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Dear Emperor:

How come I cant declare exterminatus on the planet Mars?

Those Adeptus Mechanicus are real heretics.

thehod wrote:Dear Emperor:

How come I cant declare exterminatus on the planet Mars?

Those Adeptus Mechanicus are real heretics.

Dear hater,
You can't declare exterminatus on the AdMech because those guys are the only ones who know how to work my hydroponic pot fa--- er, golden throne. Now go away, JLA is about to come on.


Oh most holy and revered Emprah,
Every time the Brother-Sargeant does roll call and gets to my name, the entire chapter bursts into laughter. Why? I don't get it.

Sincerely,
Witchy Dickeater

Dear Witchy,

By Holy Imperial Edict, I order you to change your name before you embarrass me even more. Something like Bob Smith would be good.

-The Emperor
-------
Dear Emperor,

I suck at my job as Warmaster of Chaos. Can you give me some tips?

-Abaddon the Despoiler

Deathbot wrote:
-------
Dear Emperor,

I suck at my job as Warmaster of Chaos. Can you give me some tips?

-Abaddon the Despoiler

Dear Baboonbaddon, or whatever your name is,

No. Now stop asking.


Dear He-Who-Sits-Broken-Hearted,

Is the holy book grey with red on, or red with grey bits?

-Confused by acronyms.

-------
Dear Emperor,

I suck at my job as Warmaster of Chaos. Can you give me some tips?

-Abaddon the Despoiler

Dear He-Who-Sits-Broken-Hearted,

Is the holy book grey with red on, or red with grey bits?

-Confused by acronyms.

Dear confused,
I'm not sure, my daughter Guilliman wrote that one you'd have to ask him. Unless you're talking about the book that Jervis (spittoooie) wrote.That bastard was my roomie in college and stole all my ideas. S'ok though cause I banged his mum over holidays. What were we talking about?

Dear emperor,
Do you know where I can get some good quality space corridors?

Sincerely,
Jimmy

Lint wrote:

Dear emperor,
Do you know where I can get some good quality space corridors?

Sincerely,
Jimmy

Dear Gim Knee

You ask a difficult question.

Some people will tell you you should buy space corridors made from sturdy and cheap wood.
http://www.litkoaero.com/
Others will tell you to seek out ceramic space corridors, despite the price.
http://www.dwarvenforge.com/store/home.php
Some will even advocate for cardboard printed on two sides so you can get twice as many options.
http://www.amazon.com/Star-Wars-Galaxy-Tiles-Supplement/dp/0786947446/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1253916187&sr=8-1
But these people are Space Traitors and Space Heretics.

The only proper Space Corridors are those mades of cardboard and printed on one side.
And that cost $100 to get.
http://www.thewarstore.com/

That is all.

Teh
____________________________________________________________________
Dear Teh Space Emporer:

I write to you today asking you to act, not as the Emporer of Space but as the Rather Clever Fellow, whom we in the Adeptus Mechanicus worship as the avatar of the Machine God.

We at the Adeptus Mechanicus Biologica have delved deep into the mysteries of life. We have found toxins that can affect even daemons and tyranids. We have disected alien species from all corners of the galaxy. We have identified the lost secret formula for coke.

But one problem perplexes us to this day.

Where do babies come from?

Love
Magos Darwin Einstein
Adeptus Mechanicus Biologica

Dear Teh Space Emporer:

I write to you today asking you to act, not as the Emporer of Space but as the Rather Clever Fellow, whom we in the Adeptus Mechanicus worship as the avatar of the Machine God.

We at the Adeptus Mechanicus Biologica have delved deep into the mysteries of life. We have found toxins that can affect even daemons and tyranids. We have disected alien species from all corners of the galaxy. We have identified the lost secret formula for coke.

But one problem perplexes us to this day.

Where do babies come from?

Love
Magos Darwin Einstein
Adeptus Mechanicus Biologica

My precious servant Magos Darwin,

Babies come from cyber-storks, I prefer cyber-stocks with one prosthetic iron right leg, a deep brass red lens occulus in the left eyesocket and trailing litany parchments with purity seals; and dont forget the skulls. I like skulls don't you. Cyber-storks deliver babies by basket or sometimes looped in a white cloth, both containers trailing litany parchments, bearing skull motifs etc etc.

As for where the cyber-storks get them I dont really want to think about that too much, being stuck in this chair for ten millenia.

Teh Omnissiah


To: Mk1 Spase Emperor
From: Necron Immortal 30610/578348915078139//5937856b
Re: Where can I get a good arnie voice synthesiser <stop> I hear it scares the locals <stop> Your Imperium does not compute <stop> We'll be back <out>

Robotic space zombie,
Your incomprehensible and obscure inquiry seems to have stopped the progress of My holy advice thread. Exterminatus has been declared. Have a nice day.

-Teh Spase Emporer(x2)


Mighty and benevolent Spase Emporer,

I am concerned as of late that Creed has fallen to Chaos, as only witchcraft would allow someone to infiltrate an Imperator Titan behind a small bush. What should I do? Surely no one is truly such a tactical g-

<<Transmission interrupted>>

CREEEEEED!

Owain wrote:

Mighty and benevolent Spase Emporer,

I am concerned as of late that Creed has fallen to Chaos, as only witchcraft would allow someone to infiltrate an Imperator Titan behind a small bush. What should I do? Surely no one is truly such a tactical g-

<<Transmission interrupted>>

CREEEEEED!

Creed,

You share a name with one of the greatest tactical minds of your generation. Young Usucker Creed is quite a precocious whipper snapper. I'm told that he's recently taken to infiltrating the Underhive with clean water and food. Compared to that, a titan hiding behind a bush is child's play.

It reminds me of the pranks I used to pull on the primarchs while we were conquering the entire known universe. I'll never forget infiltrating a marker into Horus's helmet so that he ended up with a high quality replication of his own junk on his forehead. It took him weeks to get it off. He never quite got over it though. Some people just can't take a joke.

Spehss Emprah

Dearest progenitor of my progenitor's progenitor's progenitor,

My lord and Emperor, I am but a lowly initiate in your blessed chapter, the Space Wolfs Space Marines. I am glorying in the might granted me by the implants, geneseed and augmetic enhancements you've given me. Sadly, I have found that I itch terribly, and that my power armor's insectoid repellant ring (the one situated in the collar) does nothing but encourage the Fenrisian Fleas now swarming my body.

I've been told by the Wolf Priest that scratching with one's foot or chewing on your own thigh are the only ways to relieve this horrible sensation, but I am sure you know of a better way. Please, your Stellarness, show us the way to smite your tiny, elusive foes.


P.S.- Is there any way to create a red or bright green ball that a Fenrisian Wolf can't chew through? My... battle-brother has one that enjoys search and retrieval exercises.

With all the praise this poor servant is able to muster,
Fuhr Ewuhlf, Space Wolf Space Marine

Gitzbitah wrote:
Dearest progenitor of my progenitor's progenitor's progenitor,

My lord and Emperor, I am but a lowly initiate in your blessed chapter, the Space Wolfs Space Marines. I am glorying in the might granted me by the implants, geneseed and augmetic enhancements you've given me. Sadly, I have found that I itch terribly, and that my power armor's insectoid repellant ring (the one situated in the collar) does nothing but encourage the Fenrisian Fleas now swarming my body.

I've been told by the Wolf Priest that scratching with one's foot or chewing on your own thigh are the only ways to relieve this horrible sensation, but I am sure you know of a better way. Please, your Stellarness, show us the way to smite your tiny, elusive foes.

With all the praise this poor servant is able to muster,
Fuhr Ewuhlf, Space Wolf Space Marine

My servant Fuhr,

Your question reminds of the time I was campaigning against the dark eldar. We captured many high level prisoners, and needless to say tortured a great many of them to death. Funny thing is the poor bastards actually quite liked it. Anyways, there was one in particular, a mistress of the severed ball sack or some such, that I took a fancy too. Let me tell you, that girl was bat-sh*t crazy but she could suc*****censored*******************************and licked my********************cosplay******************************************************************************brought in her mother **************************************************************censored********************************************* the dog came in***************censored***************************************************************************************************my whole fist********************************************************************************************************************needlenose pliers*************************************
********************censored******************************************************************************************
And that my son is how I got rid of the itching.



Dear Space Emprah

As a commisar in most holy and awesome army it's my duty to maintain discipline and inspire great acts from my men. But where should I turn when I need a pick me up? I've tried yelling in the mirror, but it's not the same. I've tried shooting myself for cowardice, but I was too scared to do it. Mostly I just cry myself to sleep, what should I do?
Sincerely,
Commissar Sad Heart Faces

Dear Space Emprah

As a commissar in most holy and awesome army it's my duty to maintain discipline and inspire great acts from my men. But where should I turn when I need a pick me up? I've tried yelling in the mirror, but it's not the same. I've tried shooting myself for cowardice, but I was too scared to do it. Mostly I just cry myself to sleep, what should I do?
Sincerely,
Commissar Sad Heart Faces

That’s Emporer to you, Commissar Heart Faces -- no slang around here THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

Two things; whisky, and tight boots.

Drink yourself to sleep with the whisky, and in the morning put on your tight boots, which should be one size smaller than your normal fit.

I guarantee you will spend the first half of the day hungover and in a bad mood, then the second half of the day in a rage because of your painful feet.

While suffering with these afflictions, you will have no mind for the other painful things in your life, and it will be sweet relief to thrash and shoot your men to get them to fight.

Just avoid too much shouting in the morning.

It always worked for me!


Teh Space Emporer


Dear Head Galaxy Goon,

So I heard you got nominated for and actually won a Peace Prize!!1!

What’s that all about, then? I never heard you did anything for peace.

Anyway, congratulations. I was wondering if you might share some of your peace-making tips, because I would really like to win a peace prize for the money.

Yours harmoniously,


Eldritch Ulster

Kilkrazy wrote:Dear Head Galaxy Goon,

So I heard you got nominated for and actually won a Peace Prize!!1!

What’s that all about, then? I never heard you did anything for peace.

Anyway, congratulations. I was wondering if you might share some of your peace-making tips, because I would really like to win a peace prize for the money.

Yours harmoniously,


Eldritch Ulster

Dear Eldrich,

My friend the road to peace is a simple one, first you need to find some people who disagree with you. Then simply "convince" them to see things your way, my personal favorite way is to send a legion of Space Marines to their door stop. Of course they take a gift basket of assorted fruits, but it never goes to plan...

The Emperor


+++TRANSMISSION START+++
>TRANMISSON ROUTINE 2637 START
>Message sent to: EMPORER OF MANDKIND.
>
>As a technical servitor of the Adaptus Mechanus. MODEL:2837293028392.
>I have had a recurring error.
>ERROR 28372837 SUBJECT "LOVE" NOT FOUND.
>Enclose details of error with response.
>
>
>Message from: Servitor 3827392038628939273648920382739293729
>TRANSMISSION ROUTINE 2637 STOP
+++END TRANSMISSION+++

n0t_u wrote:

+++TRANSMISSION START+++
>TRANMISSON ROUTINE 2637 START
>Message sent to: EMPORER OF MANDKIND.
>
>As a technical servitor of the Adaptus Mechanus. MODEL:2837293028392.
>I have had a recurring error.
>ERROR 28372837 SUBJECT "LOVE" NOT FOUND.
>Enclose details of error with response.
>
>
>Message from: Servitor 3827392038628939273648920382739293729
>TRANSMISSION ROUTINE 2637 STOP
+++END TRANSMISSION+++

Huh. Beats me. Where did you hear about? I thought I'd pretty much gotten rid of everything that isn't war.

Your pal
The Omnimessiah of the Machine God

Dear the Space Emperor:

OK, I know you're mad, you haven't heard from me in who knows how long but I can explain.

SO I was at this warrior lodge, y'know how you said we should try and bond with the natives right? ANd they give me this pipe to smoke and I'm like why not, I mean what's the point of being a 10' tall genetically engineered superman if you can't smoke a bit right? Not like it could do me any harm what with my 3 livers and my 8 lungs right?

Whoo boy was I wrong. I dunno what they had in that pipe but it sent me for a loop. I had all these funky viisions of like extra-dimensional dark gods and galaxy-wide wars, even a visiion of some dweeb in really impractical spikey armor fighting with you. Heh. YOu sure showed that moron a lesson, next time wear your damn helmet!

Anyway so I wake up on this deserted world, totally naked and a bump on my noggin, no idea where I am or how long I was out.

Took me forever to find a post box, I'm still waiting to get a ride home.

So what did I miss?

Yours truly

Horus O'Heresy

Dear Horus,

The emperor has been too busy too talk to just ANYONE now and days. So in this case he had me write back to you, he says that he is NOT angry with you, in fact he's going to send you a present. He called it "retribution", but I think he really means a big pink pony. Well, we had it sent to you just last week so you should be getting it in maybe a month, well good luck to ya, and enjoy your new pony.

Sincerely, Steve.



Dear Space Emperor,

My brother just started dating a vegetarian, which is fine, but the guys and I are worried. You see we are brothers of the Carniverous Space Abbots Space Marine Chapter, and every single day we eat just meat and maybe a small side salad. But brother Fin just orders 4 small side salads and doesn't even touch his poached griblaw cecum(his previous favorite). What can we do to bring him back on the meat eating wagon?

Sincerely,
Brother Barr Bee Quu

Dear Brother Smoked Meats,

Well, isn't it obvious? Vegetarianism is heresy. Refer to the Catechism of Hate... burn the heretic. Preferably with a nice orange glaze.

-Sitting on a Giant Golden Space Barbeque.


Dear Spase Emporer,
As an Ultramarines initiate I've always wondered... why do we have to yell "FOR THE EMPRAH!" every time we take an objective? Do you really want all of them?
-Lil' Timmy

Dear Spase Emporer,
As an Ultramarines initiate I've always wondered... why do we have to yell "FOR THE EMPRAH!" every time we take an objective? Do you really want all of them?
-Lil' Timmy

You should be shouting FOR THE EMPORER!

Heretic.

I don't 'want' them all, I already hold them all in sacred trust for the future of mankind. A few have got misplaced by miscreant servants, who shall be punished, that's all.

Yours,

The Spase Emp.


Dear Teh Cosmos King,

I'm surprised you did not tell Brother Smoked Meats that 'Hide The Salami', 'Pack Your Man Meat' and 'Slip It To The Sergeant' have been elements of basic training for Spase Mariens for over 10,000 years.

It's like that in my chapter anyway.

Have we deviated from the Codex of Lion El Johnson?

Yours,

Brother Swin Gz'bothwayz

Kilkrazy wrote:
Dear Teh Cosmos King,

I'm surprised you did not tell Brother Smoked Meats that 'Hide The Salami', 'Pack Your Man Meat' and 'Slip It To The Sergeant' have been elements of basic training for Spase Mariens for over 10,000 years.

It's like that in my chapter anyway.

Have we deviated from the Codex of Lion El Johnson?

Yours,

Brother Swin Gz'bothwayz

Dear Swing's N Roundabouts or whatever your [non-existent] god forsaken name is,

You have deviated slightly from the teachings of Lion El Jonson (spell his name right next-time, OK?! Heretic...), however it does seem to bear much resemblance to the teaching of my faithful son (son?) Robert Girlyman, who would be proud of your efforts.

However you are not from his gene-seed and hence forth must embark upon a crusade of Holyficatoryness where everyday you and your fellow brothers must play naked swingball! Remember to apply plenty of suntan cream on each other... Enjo-- I mean 'Repent!'

Hugs and Kisses, The Boss Man.


Dear Buzz Lightyear,
I am a novice within the Adepta Sororitas and have been feeling very at home and welcome with my new friends and colleagues, however I have been found that many of my sisters perform the 'training' of 'Push Ups in a Cucumber Field', why is it I have not been taught this method of practice and exercise? they all seem to appear rather flustered afterwards, is this an effective method of exercise?

Yours sincerely S3xc B1atch 69

Dear Buzz Lightyear,

I am a novice within the Adepta Sororitas and have been feeling very at home and welcome with my new friends and colleagues, however I have been found that many of my sisters perform the 'training' of 'Push Ups in a Cucumber Field', why is it I have not been taught this method of practice and exercise? they all seem to appear rather flustered afterwards, is this an effective method of exercise?

Yours sincerely S3xc B1atch 69

Dear Miss B1atch 69

Yes, it’s very effective exercise.

Just ask your mentor to take you in hand and show you the ropes. You’ll soon get the hang of it. To make sure you are doing it right, send me a couple of dozen high resolution pics of you and the other ladies and I’ll let you know if anything comes up when I examine them.

Don’t forget to keep taking the steroids!

Yours,

Teh Spase Emporer.




Dear The Space Emporer,

As it is Halloween soon I was wondering how you deal with Trick-Or-Treaters?

I used to just Use Tactics but it didn’t work too well, probably because I’m not some kind of a tactical genius.

Nowadays I like to keep a big bag of sweets and a big bag of frag grenades in my front hall, so I’m ready for anything.

Keep whistling!!!


Coleslaw Fitz Bucket

Dear The Space Emporer,

As it is Halloween soon I was wondering how you deal with Trick-Or-Treaters?

I used to just Use Tactics but it didn’t work too well, probably because I’m not some kind of a tactical genius.

Nowadays I like to keep a big bag of sweets and a big bag of frag grenades in my front hall, so I’m ready for anything.

Keep whistling!!!


Coleslaw Fitz Bucket

Dear Fitz,

In my old age I do enjoy handing out treats to the youngins. When the doorbell rings I hand out vitamins, and if I see a particularly well dressed young boy I will let him reach into my robe pocket for the "mystery" roll of nickels. God I enjoy going senile....


Dear god-emprah,
The other day I was lighting up a lho-stick for a smoke break, and some fat bitch walks over and tells me to stop "polluting her air." She then went on to tell me that I was killing myself by inhaling poison, and only "giving money to a white man" by purchasing it. WTF is her deal? I work in a fething munitorium and have had 3 fingers blown off, and a lung replaced, so what if I like to smoke?

sincerely,
worker number 343872-298457898

Lint wrote:
Dear god-emprah,
The other day I was lighting up a lho-stick for a smoke break, and some fat bitch walks over and tells me to stop "polluting her air." She then went on to tell me that I was killing myself by inhaling poison, and only "giving money to a white man" by purchasing it. WTF is her deal? I work in a fething munitorium and have had 3 fingers blown off, and a lung replaced, so what if I like to smoke?

sincerely,
worker number 343872-298457898

Dear Worker Number 343872-298457898

The only smoke we like to see in the imperium is that coming from the barrel of a boltgun as it blows the big-jesus out of a heretic... Or the smoke coming from my gradually malfunctioning throne (turns out the Pac-Man game I installed had a virus!). Get those fingers replaced and quit smoking so you can serve the Greater Goo-- I mean Imperium better! Or its servitor time for you!

Yours all-powerfully, The God Emperor.


Dear God Emperor,

Behind you!

Lots of Love, Creed.

Dear God Emperor,

Behind you!

Lots of Love, Creed.

Dear Creed,

Although I myself have never suffered from your personal problem, believe me when I assure you that I understand and sympathise greatly. Many of my Spase Marien correspondents have written in with related problems. I have been able to help them and I will help you too.

It can be a massive blow when a manly man finds his marital equipment is not functioning as well as it did when he was young.

I know you prefer to sneak up on a lady, but this is one occasion when a frontal attack is the best option.

So you need to re-equip for a new campaign. The Adeptes Mechanicum would be happy to offer you a number of enhancements, however you are a man who has never been afraid to get his hands dirty and would not be satisfied to send in a substitute when you can lead the attack yourself.

I advise you to visit your local pharmacerium and ask for “the special blue pills”.

Take the medicine as instructed, and be sure to set the mood with a nice light dinner including oysters, asparagus, and ripe figs, no more than one glass of wine for you; the lady can have several! And some suitable music.

This is the only occasion when I advise you not to think of me as you muster your strength for the arduous night attack.

Yours stiffly,


Teh Emporer-God.



Dear Hyper Dude,

I have calculated that the amount of metal used to put an aquila symbol on the helmets and lasguns of the Imperial Guard comes to over 17,000,000 tons of aluminium per year.

This is not only a massive consumption of resources necessary for building airframes, it is a waste of fuel when lifting IG units into orbit to join their transports.

Why not spray paint the symbol instead?


Yours,

The Stat Guy.

Dear Stat Guy

We use aluminum for the aquila on IG helmets!? First off, I never allowed the IG to wear any helmets, no less than use actual metal for them. What are you going to tell me next, that they have actual armor instead of the construction paper ones that I wanted them to have? Man, someone's going to pay for this heresy. I sit here and use my safety scissors to carefully cut out each uniform and pieceof armor for the IG and they aren't even used, do you know how many I've made so far? Its well over a gazillion I tell you! But I will have to say thanks for bringing this issue to my attention, I'll be sure to remedy it.

Angrily,
Teh Space Emprah!




Dear Emperor of Space,

How come your vocabulary and grammar are lacking in terms of quality? I am alluding to the fact that you keep spelling "space" as "spesh" and keep misspelling "emperor". I would believe that the actual emperor of mankind would at least be able to spell his own title correctly, unless you are mentally handicapped there is no logical reasoning for you to spell like that.

Sincerely,
Grammaticus Rex

Dear Emperor of Space,

How come your vocabulary and grammar are lacking in terms of quality? I am alluding to the fact that you keep spelling "space" as "spesh" and keep misspelling "emperor". I would believe that the actual emperor of mankind would at least be able to spell his own title correctly, unless you are mentally handicapped there is no logical reasoning for you to spell like that.

Sincerely,
Grammaticus Rex

First off, didja ever try typing on a key board with a pencil held between your teech cause that @#$%er Horus blew off your fingers 10,000 years ago? Didja? Didja? Huh?

Thought so.

Anyway for your dilligence you have been choosen to serve in the 308 Imperial Anti-Chaos Brigade, where you may correct their grammar and spelling right up until the day we drop-pod you on to the Chaos-held death world of Deathicus Worldius.

Yours
Teh Emporer

================================
Dear the wisest of the wise

My boyfriend and I have been together for several years now but lately he's been acting odd. He's staying out late, he never calls, he doesn't even make eye contact.

Is there someone else?

Yours
Marneus Calgar
Lord Macragge

Dear Marneus,
Grab his Macragge "toy men" and threaten to scorch their paintjob if he dosn't tell you if there is another. Failing that, I got mah bud Exterminatus on the line.

=====================================================================================================

Dear Space Emperor,

My boyfriend came back from Armaggedeon, and he hasn't been the same since. He doesn't talk at all, and I feel that it has something to do with his missing head. No, thats probably not it...

Befuddled Survivor

Chrepper wrote:
Dear Space Emperor,

My boyfriend came back from Armaggedeon, and he hasn't been the same since. He doesn't talk at all, and I feel that it has something to do with his missing head. No, thats probably not it...

Befuddled Survivor

Dear B.

Well my first question is always, 'is he under warrenty?'

For just 10 gold credits a month you can get an extended service plan and your nearest forge world will just slot a new head right in. It never pays to be cheap with the one you love.

Yours,
Teh Emporer and CEO of Forgeworld Servitor Works Ltd

Dear the Space Emporer,

Please Mr. the Space Emporer you have to help me I'm at the end of my rope!

My boyfriend and I have been getting intimate lately but there are certain things I just don't 'get'.

For example when we get intimate he always calls it 'Yiffing'.

Also he wears this furry suit all the time and now he wants me to wear a furry suit too!

But I don't want to wear a furry suit! I like my pretty dress!

But I still love him and I don't want to fight!

What should I tell my dear sweet Lukas?

Signed,
Azrael
Master of the Dark Angels
Bearer of the Sword of Secrets

Kid_Kyoto wrote:

Dear the Space Emporer,

Please Mr. the Space Emporer you have to help me I'm at the end of my rope!

My boyfriend and I have been getting intimate lately but there are certain things I just don't 'get'.

For example when we get intimate he always calls it 'Yiffing'.

Also he wears this furry suit all the time and now he wants me to wear a furry suit too!

But I don't want to wear a furry suit! I like my pretty dress!

But I still love him and I don't want to fight!

What should I tell my dear sweet Lukas?

Signed,
Azrael
Master of the Dark Angels
Bearer of the Sword of Secrets

Dear Azrael,

Lemme tell you how disappointed I am in you AND Lukas. I mean, Marines having "Relations" while wearing furry suits and/or pretty dresses is totally unnacceptable.

One of you should dress up like an infant replete with bonnet, diaper and baby bottle, the other should dress in drag as a "hot mom" utilising a leather catsuit, whip, and paddle.....this is appropriate attire.

love...no REALLY LOVE,

Teh Spaize Emprer 'O Spaize

..................................

Dear Space Emperor,

I have a website dedicated to the GW hobby. I run it totally NON-PROFIT and only have it due to my love of the hobby. We have a flourishing community and I really enjoy what I do in order to promote the hobby and provide a place online for people to "nerd-out" about these great games....

However, GW just issued me a "cease and desist" order.

What do I do?

Thanx,

"P.O. 'ed"

P.S. I love what you've done with the throne room!

Deadshane1 wrote:Dear Space Emperor,

I have a website dedicated to the GW hobby. I run it totally NON-PROFIT and only have it due to my love of the hobby. We have a flourishing community and I really enjoy what I do in order to promote the hobby and provide a place online for people to "nerd-out" about these great games....

However, GW just issued me a "cease and desist" order.

What do I do?

Thanx,

"P.O. 'ed"

P.S. I love what you've done with the throne room!

Dear P.O.'ed,

You think you're upset, try being strapped into a big golden chair for the last ten thousand years. You know, I tried to run a website from this thing a few years back. Just to pass the time or whatevs. Well, it turns out I was linking to images from the GW site and that was "stealing bandwith" or somesuch Administratum gobbledygook. They sent me this ridiculous letter saying I had to shut the whole thing down and go back to sitting around answering pointless letters. I mean, what a bunch of total fu--

+++MESSAGE DELETED BY ORDER OF THE HOLY INQUISTION ORDO PROPERTY INTELLECTUAM+++

Subject P.O.'d: By referring to the Games Workshop IP in your letter to Game Workshop IP you are in clear violation of trademark laws that we are grossly overstating in order to threaten everyone who buys our products. Please cease and desist immediately or you will be purged with fire.

Sincerely,

Your Friendly Neighborhood Inquisition

-------

Empra Baby,

Did you catch last week's Project Runway? Carol Hannah made it to the finalists? I'm thinking no way, right? OMFG, did not see that one coming! Anyway, let's grab Starbucks and watch the finale at your place, k? Stay fabulous!

Ciao Ciao 4 Now Now,

Fulgrim

(kisses!)

Manchu wrote:
Empra Baby,

Did you catch last week's Project Runway? Carol Hannah made it to the finalists? I'm thinking no way, right? OMFG, did not see that one coming! Anyway, let's grab Starbucks and watch the finale at your place, k? Stay fabulous!

Ciao Ciao 4 Now Now,

Fulgrim

(kisses!)

Dear Fulgrim,

I appreciate you getting in contact, I have been missing you and your rather well named Legion. Where have you been all this time?! and why didn't you stop that traitorous bastard Horus?

I would dearly love to meet up with you again, my (4th) favourite son, however I am considerably ill at the moment and am in no fit state to travel. I have not been watching Project Runaway this series and I would love to have you over at my place to watch, and catch up on, it, however my advisor's and the like seem to be rather un-keen about the idea of sharing you company and having you over to visit. Can't imagine why, but who am I to complain?! They may stop my hourly soup otherwise...

Apologies dearest Fulgrim, missing you

Hugs and Kisses, Daddy.

P.S. It's rude to invite round to others, did your mother teach you nothing?!

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Dear Spooce Empoorer,

I feel angry, so very angry. I feel no-one understands me, they all think I'm simply a raving, blood-thirsty psychopath! These, these people (or warp spawned daemons) only judge me on account of my occasional bouts of violence or anger! I try to control it, but I can get so infuriated! I run up to them to show them my latest poem or knitted jumper and they shoot at me. Then they complain when I slice their limbs off in return!
I wish they would just give me a chance to show my nicer, more sensitive side. I am very confident in my poetical and flower-arranging abilities but I simply have no-one to display them to. I feel so misunderstood.

Yours Sincerely,
Kharn.

Just Dave wrote:Dear Spooce Empoorer,

I feel angry, so very angry. I feel no-one understands me, they all think I'm simply a raving, blood-thirsty psychopath! These, these people (or warp spawned daemons) only judge me on account of my occasional bouts of violence or anger! I try to control it, but I can get so infuriated! I run up to them to show them my latest poem or knitted jumper and they shoot at me. Then they complain when I slice their limbs off in return!
I wish they would just give me a chance to show my nicer, more sensitive side. I am very confident in my poetical and flower-arranging abilities but I simply have no-one to display them to. I feel so misunderstood.

Yours Sincerely,
Kharn.

Dear Kharn,

It sounds like it's high time that Angron set you down for that special talk. Well, I'll try but this was never really one of my strong points.

You see, when a Space Marine gets to be a big boy he goes through some changes. It's perfectly normal although it can feel a little strange and get you all knotted up inside. Your voice is deepening into a manly roar. You're bucking against authority here and there (I think "betrayer" is a bit harsh; all kids go through this--even Horus). And you've probably started to look at your Daemonette friends a little differently or . . . uh, the Noise Marines, I suppose, maybe, I hope not . . . er, anyway, Kharn, the important thing is to realize that if you get an odd spot or two or feel a little awkward and angry otherwise, it's alright. All the other Marines feel the same way at some point in their lives! So chin up and don't worry, my lad. And you can always talk to me about these things.

But seriously, drop dead you warp-sucking traitor.

With intentional condescension,

Imperator Omnipotens

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Dearest Allfather,

I'm getting a lot of flak recently about riding the giant cyborg wolf. (He says "hi," by the way.) Is it just me or is it kind of silly to point out how ridiculous a power-armored giant riding a cyborg wolf is in a world where there are power-armored giants and cyborg wolves? Also, what is your opinion of tournament gamers?

Rabidly yours,

One Exasperated Space Viking