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Dearest Allfather,

I'm getting a lot of flak recently about riding the giant cyborg wolf. (He says "hi," by the way.) Is it just me or is it kind of silly to point out how ridiculous a power-armored giant riding a cyborg wolf is in a world where there are power-armored giants and cyborg wolves? Also, what is your opinion of tournament gamers?

Rabidly yours,

One Exasperated Space Viking

Whoa...

d00d...

I like totally had airbrushed a picture like that onto the side of my van back in M2Y976... it was like awesome.

Wow... flashback... Must've eaten a bad bunch of psykers.

Hey time for my spongebath!

Yours droolingly

The Big E

Dear my most beloved Emporer of Space

I'm worried about my boyfriend. Sure when we started seeing each other he was all nice giving me a flying capes and flaming sword and superpowers but we've been together for a few years now and I've asked for a commitment from him. Nothing major, I mean I know all about the other hussies he sees and what goes on during those 'nights with the boys' but just something small like a new codex and plastic models.

But now he won't even return my calls.

What should I do?

With love and humility
St. Celestine
Hieromartyr of the Palatine Crusade

Dear my most beloved Emporer of Space

I'm worried about my boyfriend. Sure when we started seeing each other he was all nice giving me a flying capes and flaming sword and superpowers but we've been together for a few years now and I've asked for a commitment from him. Nothing major, I mean I know all about the other hussies he sees and what goes on during those 'nights with the boys' but just something small like a new codex and plastic models.

But now he won't even return my calls.

What should I do?

With love and humility
St. Celestine
Hieromartyr of the Palatine Crusade

Celly, Celly sweetheart what are you doing airing all of this in a letter, honey you know if you ever need anything you just call me and my secretary will put you right through my to my personal secretary who will personally hand me a message.

Now I know, I know, I promised you a codex and you'll get a codex. A great codex! The best codex ever!

But these things take time, and as the Emporer of Space I have a lot of responsibilities, especially with Russ calling me every week asking where HIS codex is. HEY RUSS! Try leaving a call-back number sometime!

So anyway, here's what we'll do. Here's my Uranium Charge Card, why don't you and your girlfriends go buy yourselves some new armor and some promethium and go purge Death World 23 in the Certain Death Sector. Then when you get back we can sit down and have some herbal team and come up with a plan for that new codex of yours.

See you soon!
Big E

======================
Dear the Space Emporer

Are you trying to get rid of me?

Cordially
St. Celestine
Hieromartyr of the Palatine Crusade

@K_K: You gotta be patient! I was thinking of a response for that last one all day! Luckily, I can still use most of it.

Kid_Kyoto wrote:
Dear the Space Emporer

Are you trying to get rid of me?

Cordially
St. Celestine
Hieromartyr of the Palatine Crusade

Listen baby,

*Sigh* We've had some good times. Twin-linked inferno pistols, power armor saves for 11pt models, spending faith points on Divine Guidance, and of course that weekend on Sanctus Lys when we first met. It just makes this that much harder for me. For a while now, I've . . . I don't know, I've just felt that I've put so much into this relationship and I'm not sure if it's really worth it. I don't mean to be harsh, but you're kind of high maintenance. I know it's not your fault, you were just made that way. I guess I should have told you before now but I have been seeing other people for about the past six years. I think you should try and move on, too. Maybe one day we can try it again, maybe with that new codex you're always talking about and some plastic models. But for right now, I just think it's best for both of us to spend some time apart.

So very sad,

E

Thank my Golden Throne that's done with. Send Mephiston and Carbulo in--wait are you typing this out? You damn servitor, you stop when I sign the--

--------------

Deer Heeem-poor-rurr,

Hwee hweer wahndeering hwat tooothpayst hyoo hyoos. Hwe hyoos Hahc-whaa-fraysh. Eet taysts soo meeenteee.

For Kayhoss,

Culteesst-Chahn

Manchu wrote:
Deer Heeem-poor-rurr,

Hwee hweer wahndeering hwat tooothpayst hyoo hyoos. Hwe hyoos Hahc-whaa-fraysh. Eet taysts soo meeenteee.

For Kayhoss,

Culteesst-Chahn

Dear Mr Cultist

I am very concerned about the quality of your grammar and spelling. You should try the Imperium's education, it's quite delightful! Also, if you want truly ground-breaking and AI like intelligence* have you considered the Imperium's Servitor-Scheme?

Now onto the matter at hand, I use the better quality Imperium Toothepaste, it makes my breath smell Heaven[doesn't exist, as per laws of the Imperium]ly whilst achieving truly ground-breaking whiteness only achievable by demigods. Have you considered becoming an Imperial Citizen? All citizens of the Imperium get discounted Imperium Toothepaste and increased rights and free military training**.

Good Luck with your cult-type-business, please contact again if you want any advice about becoming an imperial citizen, it can really 'smooth' out your cult needs and give you real direction towards true, Imperial, enlightenment.

Yours Sincerly, Mr Emporer. Ceo of Imperium Ltd.

*AI like intelligence, not guaranteed. Control of body and/or actions not guaranteed. Maintaining of current appearance, not gauranteed.

**Free Military Training leads to enrolement in the Imperiums Imperial Guard and probable off-world action. Life Insurance doesn't apply to any deaths as part of the Imperial Guard.

--------



Dearest, Daddy.

Can I please get a golden throne? Although can I have mine blue with a gold trim and big ol' 'U' symbols on it? I mean, her I am, floating in a stasis tank whilst you get to sit there all la-dee-daa on your golden throne! It's just not fair, I helped you conquer the galaxy and then defended it whilst you took a nap! I even wrote a big ol' book about how to defend your galaxy! And what do I get out of it?! I get stabbed, that's what! By your son! Some way to say thanks.

Now, I still show unwavering loyalty towards you, but I feel I deserve something for my efforts. I feel like I'm a Samwise to your Frodo; simply getting nothing while you get all the credit for being useless anyway.

Also, if it's not asking for too much can I also have some blinds put in or something?! You get some big ol' doors and a loada' custodes to stop people gawping at you! What do I get? Nothing! I simply have random tourists come past and stare, I've said it before and I'll say it again. It's not fair!

Also, how about a holiday?! If Russ and Khan and the like can go on holiday, what about me?! I don't see them writing you a big ol' book or defending most of your big ol' galaxy!

Yours Demandingly, Roboute Guilliman

@Just Dave: Cultist-Chan is a girl :(

Just Dave wrote:Dearest, Daddy.

Can I please get a golden throne? Although can I have mine blue with a gold trim and big ol' 'U' symbols on it? I mean, her I am, floating in a stasis tank whilst you get to sit there all la-dee-daa on your golden throne! It's just not fair, I helped you conquer the galaxy and then defended it whilst you took a nap! I even wrote a big ol' book about how to defend your galaxy! And what do I get out of it?! I get stabbed, that's what! By your son! Some way to say thanks.

Now, I still show unwavering loyalty towards you, but I feel I deserve something for my efforts. I feel like I'm a Samwise to your Frodo; simply getting nothing while you get all the credit for being useless anyway.

Also, if it's not asking for too much can I also have some blinds put in or something?! You get some big ol' doors and a loada' custodes to stop people gawping at you! What do I get? Nothing! I simply have random tourists come past and stare, I've said it before and I'll say it again. It's not fair!

Also, how about a holiday?! If Russ and Khan and the like can go on holiday, what about me?! I don't see them writing you a big ol' book or defending most of your big ol' galaxy!

Yours Demandingly, Roboute Guilliman

Dear Bobby,

Of course daddy will buy you a big golden chair just like daddy's because you're daddy's big boy, yes you are. And daddy looked at your book, Bobby. I'm so proud of you, keeping all the colors inside of the lines! I put it up on the Golden Refrigerator so I can look at it every time I get myself some juice or the soul of a Psyker. What's that about Frodo? Now, Roboute Guilliman, what did daddy say about watching Lord of the Rings? Remember last time when you were crying so hard about Gandalf that you wet all over your Ultra-blanky and ruined that drop pod-shaped bed I got you for Empramas? If you want to go on holiday, be a good boy. No more scary movies and certainly not before nappy times in the stasis field!

I'll be in to tuck you in soon,

Daddy E

--------------

Greetings! Most Exalted Ruler of the Etherous Heavens,

After uniting all men under my own banner of glorious victory and founding an Empire to withstand even the foul depredations of Chaos, I ascended to godhood. Forgive my presumption, but I am wondering if we have met before. You seem so awfully familiar.

Blessings of Me,

Sigmar

Greetings! Most Exalted Ruler of the Etherous Heavens,

After uniting all men under my own banner of glorious victory and founding an Empire to withstand even the foul depredations of Chaos, I ascended to godhood. Forgive my presumption, but I am wondering if we have met before. You seem so awfully familiar.

Blessings of Me,

Sigmar

I think we were in college too geather it's been a long time we need to meet some time but that's hard fore me, I'm stuck at work all the time

Your bud, The Space Emporer



Dear Space Emperor

I was wondering if we could be friends with the Tau thay are so nice and smart. It was just a idea but pleas think about it it would help us allot in dark times.

Your smart Gard man.

Death Gear wrote:


Dear Space Emperor

I was wondering if we could be friends with the Tau thay are so nice and smart. It was just a idea but pleas think about it it would help us allot in dark times.

Your smart Gard man.

Dear Mr. Man

If by Tau you mean the residents of Imperial Penal Colony Tau Epsilon-9 then no, you may not be friends with them for they are traitors, heretics and jaywalkers.

If by Tau you mean a certain race of vagina-headed blue fishmen then heck, why not. According to this intelligence report I got just 2 or 3 centuries back they are a harmless primative people we could knock over in a week. They certainly cannot produce portable electronics, compact cars or high-quality animated entertainment.

Yours Omnicently
The Emp

Master,

I am writing you today about a personal problem. There is a woman I work with, let's just call her C. She's been seeing this guy for several years and he makes a lot of promises, plastic models, a new codex, the works. But he never delivers. Heck this week he practically told her to get lost so he could see someone else.

Meanwhile here I am, working with her every day. Whether she needs help carrying in her groceries or purging the heretics I'm there for her. Now I know I'm a man of humble means but my Throne of Judgement is fully paid off and I do have a top of the line flying skull thing.

But she just can't see that her boyfriend is stringing her along.

What can I do?

Yours in service
Inquisitor Lord Karamazov
The Pyrophant Judge of Salem Proctor

Kid_Kyoto wrote:Master,

I am writing you today about a personal problem. There is a woman I work with, let's just call her C. She's been seeing this guy for several years and he makes a lot of promises, plastic models, a new codex, the works. But he never delivers. Heck this week he practically told her to get lost so he could see someone else.

Meanwhile here I am, working with her every day. Whether she needs help carrying in her groceries or purging the heretics I'm there for her. Now I know I'm a man of humble means but my Throne of Judgement is fully paid off and I do have a top of the line flying skull thing.

But she just can't see that her boyfriend is stringing her along.

What can I do?

Yours in service
Inquisitor Lord Karamazov
The Pyrophant Judge of Salem Proctor

Dear Karmaz,

How the hell did you get the keys to the Throne of Judgement? Horus came along and dented in the side of it with his Land Raider, honestly the guy doesn't have any insurance. Last time I saw it I left it with the local repair shop, although Horus did come along about a week later to discuss "paying the repair bill". Anyway in that week I learned I had made the biggest misjudgement, something later that would come with a great cost to me. The Enginseers called me a few days before Hours showed up here, turns out the Throne had somehow backed out of the window, after it was repaired, I have a picture of where they kept it here.


Anyway the lession here is never trust your local mechanics, I'm sure this solves all your problems.

The Emperor.










Dear the Emperor of mankind,
I have recently decided to change the symbol of the Ultramarines legion to a more artistic and well better looking one.
Here it is.

I felt bad about just sitting back and writing a book while all the other legions fought by your side so I wanted to make up for it by making the Ultramarines look better. You see the ball is Terra and the stuff around it is the Ultramarines legion protecting Terra like some sort of aura of power. I got the idea from an old Terra show.

Anyway I'm sure it hasn't been used anywhere else and was wondering what you think.

Roboute Guilliman
PS: I hope my picture finds its way to the holy fridge of Terra as I worked ever so hard on this. In fact it made me late to a battle, but we got there just in time to see the end. We got a bunch of medals for it though.

Dear Bobby,

No. Because I said so.



Now take this medal for being such a big boy and go play with your buddies. I wish your siblings were more like you. There's some milk and cookies on the Golden Counter.

Confidently expecting to be unquestioningly obeyed,

YOUR FATHER

--------------

Master,

With all due obsequiousness, sire, I'm not sure that you addressed my question--unless perhaps I have not unraveled the deeper, more mystical layers of meaning in your sacred words? Allow me to rephrase the question, Majesty, in case the lowliness of my inquiry was heretofore beneath your Mighty Notice. I chastely admire a young lady with whom it is my unutterable pleasure to serve Your Holiness's glorious cause. And yet, despite her flawless devotion and theological enlightenment, I feel that her taste in men verges on the heretical. Her erstwhile beau is assuredly dishonoring her by philandering not to mention premising what I can only pray is merely an attempt to seduce her into impure relations on empty promises of material gain, disguising these vulgarities in a manner that leads the virtuous object of my attentions to believe herself and her infallibly noble cause taken seriously. Why, my righteous ire is so aggravated by the thought of the desecration of this immaculate flower of faith that I find myself having to burn a dozen heretics or more before I am able to fully enjoy a fine day of burning heretics. And even then, the merest whiff of sweet promethium wafting from her halo-lit hair . . . the serenity she radiates while bestowing Your Mercy upon the penitent . . . the flush of her porcelain cheeks after dispatching yet another legion of traitors . . . it is enough to make this zealous Puritan suspect himself of sinful indulgence. For the sake of my soul, I beseech you Master help me in this dark night! I feel as though I could come to some agreement with this perfidious cad. Clearly, he does not return the affections of this lovely living saint and would like nothing better than to be rid of her, although I cannot imagine why. What are your thoughts?

A humble slave of Your Divine Will,

Karamazov

Dear Karamazov,

You were engineeeeered to baaaattle, no to wriiiiite. Get back to the xenos and stop with the long excrutiatingly unreadable letters!

Back to work, dammit!

The Goddam Gene Architect

PS: It was a Simpsons movie pun. Yer, the Swachie one.

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Der Emprah,

I'm a Ork. U send da Speuhs Mawheens to beat da boys. I was thinkin'. It 'urt my 'ead to think, but I do cos this is a impoutant matter. Wy you beat da boys up? We were 'avin' fun and yer blue boys in amor come shoota' an' killa' the boys. So I beg ya sinceweerly, don't sand da speuhs mawheens beat the boys. What you big emprah say on dis impoutant matter? Cos we all black 'n' blue from yer beatin's. We used to be all green back then...

Da ork

Hideous Greenskin,

Just as planned. (That's right.)

With Wrath,

Imperator Omnipotens

--------------

Emperor,

All we want is a chance. Is that so much?

LIVII

Manchu wrote:Emperor,

All we want is a chance. Is that so much?

LIVII

Dear LIVII,
Yes it is too much. In my day we weren't even given the time of day and we were fine.

Emperor.








Dear Emperor,

That last letter you sent kind of upset Karmaz. Seriously he won't stop crying. I've heard reports that he has locked himself in his room with his Throne of Judgement. I'm just glad that the Ordos Malleus only has to meet with the Ordos Hereticus every two weeks. Anyway could you please make him stop +++CENSORED IN HIS NAME+++ and start burning witches again? The Ordos Malleus is for removing the threat of the foul beasts beyond this world, we are busy enough without having to also do the Ordos Hereticus' duty.

Your faithful servant,
Lord Inquisitor Torquemada Coteaz of the Ordos Malleus
PS: Rumors usually lead to deceit, but did he really kind of steal that Throne of Judgement from you?

Torq,

Ordos Malleus? No way! I thought you were some kind of Space Marine. Okay, good to know, I guess.

Well, K says he needed some love so I gave him some tough love. I think he's just bored, you know. Ever since we got rid of LotD, it's been kinda quiet for Hereticus. Everybody needs a hobby to soak up the down time. You've got that bird (although I thought you were in the Golden Hawks Chapter or whatevs), little Bobby has his toy soldiers, Creed has that swimming pool with the Titans, etc, etc. K never took an interest in anything besides his work so I expected something like this.

And to set the record straight, he didn't steal the Judgment Throne. I gave it to him thinking he might take an interest in fixing it up. He worked on it for a while but I think it must have been Celestine that distracted him. I can see why he'd be into her (total prude, by the way) but something else would just distract him and then . . . then she'd be my problem all over again.

With paternal concern,

Empra

P.S.: You're being a bit of an Eldrad, by the way.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Mon'keigh Archon,

LIVII showed me your response to his letter. I'm not confident that you'll understand why, but thanks.

Taldeer

Dear Taldeer

The Emperor of Mankind in all His Holiness has more important business to Attend to.

The Emperor

***

Dear Emprah,

I stink but I ain't 'ideous...And I 'old ya...We boyz ain't green anymore 'rom the batterin'. Give da Speuhs Mawheen a break, will ya. Methinks we gotta bash em blue cheese once an' for all! Waaaagh! Waaaagh! Waaaagh!

Pee.sss.: Where are da weak points, me brainy boyz ain't figured it out.

Da Greenskin

Turbo10k wrote:Dear Emprah,

I stink but I ain't 'ideous...And I 'old ya...We boyz ain't green anymore 'rom the batterin'. Give da Speuhs Mawheen a break, will ya. Methinks we gotta bash em blue cheese once an' for all! Waaaagh! Waaaagh! Waaaagh!

Pee.sss.: Where are da weak points, me brainy boyz ain't figured it out.

Da Greenskin

Dear Da Greenskin,
Nice try but do you really think I would be that... Wait a second the blue one are the ones you're after?
I've enclosed the co-ordinates to bobby's *sigh* "Super Spectacular Fortress of the Ultramines who are really great". Why did I let them name their fortresses...
Anyway they have insane luck, but I'm sure you'll at least keep him from writing me anymore stupid letters for a little while. Also for the weak point, aim for the Drapes of the Ultamar. You can't miss them.

The Emperor







Dear the Emperor,
AWWW! Why not? Corax said it was good, so did Sanguinius. Why don't you like it?

Roboute Guilliman

Reboute, do not provoke me! You will not like me when I am angry!

Your Emperor

***

Dear humble ruler of mankind,

Ha hum, I have been going through our archives and I have hum found a rather disturbing error on your part. Ahh humm, you name yourself emperor yet this 'Imperium' seems hum rather to be a collection of worlds under theocratic rule by a non-present head of state, seemingly a humm religious figure, and held together by a highly organised ahh military force. That seems you would need a humm change of title... A more appropriate one would be Pharaoh. I may be mistaken for my ahh personal library is well over ten millennia old and humm several confidential and highly important documents have herrr disintegrated... Correct me if I am wrong, for my sources say you have a more ahh humm complete library than mine...

A wondering wandering Neutral entity of the Warp

Turbo10k wrote:
Dear humble ruler of mankind,

Ha hum, I have been going through our archives and I have hum found a rather disturbing error on your part. Ahh humm, you name yourself emperor yet this 'Imperium' seems hum rather to be a collection of worlds under theocratic rule by a non-present head of state, seemingly a humm religious figure, and held together by a highly organised ahh military force. That seems you would need a humm change of title... A more appropriate one would be Pharaoh. I may be mistaken for my ahh personal library is well over ten millennia old and humm several confidential and highly important documents have herrr disintegrated... Correct me if I am wrong, for my sources say you have a more ahh humm complete library than mine...

A wondering wandering Neutral entity of the Warp

Dearest Entityest Warp-thingy,

While it is true that there are many worlds within my glorious Imperium and that some of them are more, shall we say 'detached' from the greater go-- I mean, the goal of the Imperium and humanity itself, faith is what bind the imperium together, faith in the glorious emperor (ME!). Well faith and the adamantium boot of the nobel adeptus astartes!

If you wish, how about you provide me with your address and I'll send an Inquisit-- I mean, I'll send a copy of my records as proof?

Yours sincerest, the bestest Emperor-guy!

p.s. you sir are a good example of why we don't allow warp-things within the imperium!


------

Dear Big-ass dude!,

So yeah, who is all like, the Mrs Emperor like? I bet she is well fit! I mean, like, you could probz choose from all the women in the galaxy ite? So surely, you would like, choose the 'ottest lady bout like, who has all like the biggest boobies like? I mean, common like man, you must love that kinda thing like? Your blinged up chair must have all those like cables to constantly play, like porn all the time ite? Commonz man, you can tell me! I is well trustful like! Common Mr Emperor dude, who is your Mrs? She must be hot-as! any chance of me having a go on 'er like mate? Cus like, you no, bro's before ho's ite?

Anywayz, I'll let you get on wid your porn watching like.}

Cyaz man!

Yourz reppinly, Gazza boy.

Like.

Just Dave wrote:

Dear Big-ass dude!,

So yeah, who is all like, the Mrs Emperor like? I bet she is well fit! I mean, like, you could probz choose from all the women in the galaxy ite? So surely, you would like, choose the 'ottest lady bout like, who has all like the biggest boobies like? I mean, common like man, you must love that kinda thing like? Your blinged up chair must have all those like cables to constantly play, like porn all the time ite? Commonz man, you can tell me! I is well trustful like! Common Mr Emperor dude, who is your Mrs? She must be hot-as! any chance of me having a go on 'er like mate? Cus like, you no, bro's before ho's ite?

Anywayz, I'll let you get on wid your porn watching like.}

Cyaz man!

Yourz reppinly, Gazza boy.

Like.

Dear Gazza boy,

I'm a corpse.

peace out my shizzle,

MC Emp'rur

..............................................................

Dear False Emperor,

Your attempt at popularising your puny Ultramarines Chapter with an actual movie will fail.

I shall beckon all the forces of chaos at my command and my ruinous powers of sorcery shall make this movie a total turd. My fell powers will have veteran 40k players cringe at the meerest mention of this abortion of a movie.

Mark my words, corpse-king, this movie will be horrible.


What now b!tch,

Lord Grakk of Chaos

Just Dave wrote:
------

Dear Big-ass dude!,

So yeah, who is all like, the Mrs Emperor like? I bet she is well fit! I mean, like, you could probz choose from all the women in the galaxy ite? So surely, you would like, choose the 'ottest lady bout like, who has all like the biggest boobies like? I mean, common like man, you must love that kinda thing like? Your blinged up chair must have all those like cables to constantly play, like porn all the time ite? Commonz man, you can tell me! I is well trustful like! Common Mr Emperor dude, who is your Mrs? She must be hot-as! any chance of me having a go on 'er like mate? Cus like, you no, bro's before ho's ite?

Anywayz, I'll let you get on wid your porn watching like.}

Cyaz man!

Yourz reppinly, Gazza boy.

Like.

Gazza boyo,

I am the ruler of an entire galaxy! I consume thousands of psykers everyday just so chaos is held at bay! I made the Spehss Marinez! Hurr! I am not foolish enough to get 'tied down'! I never kiss and tell, or anything else. All I will say on this subject is that I've never understood why they're called the Sisters of Silence.

The Space Pimperor


+++++Censervitor engaged+++++

Oh great, and mighty Emprah, for whom we are so very, very angry,

I am using this unusually bright and intelligent servitor *smack* servitor to translate this, as I realize my normal manner of speaking is not appropriate for Imperial communications. Lately, I have begun using the dirty furries tactics with my forces. *smack*No, don't edit that out- that is me being polite! They have taken to it fairly well, and it certainly fits our angry mode of fighting better than that fine, stylish gentleman Girlyman's codex. I am having trouble finding suitable mounts. My Angry Marines object to having anything remotely furry between their legs. Given that our founder was driven mad by Battletoads 3, I thought that mounting them on toads would be a fair compromise and irritate the riders sufficiently that they would eviscerate, disembowel, and otherwise rip your enemies limb from limb. Is this heresy? I would have asked Commissar Fuklaw, but he is recovering from shooting himself for interrupting himself while practicing a rousing speech in the mirror. Fortunately it was just a ricochet.

Temperus Maximus, Angriest of the Angry Marines

Gitzbitah wrote:+++++Censervitor engaged+++++

Oh great, and mighty Emprah, for whom we are so very, very angry,

I am using this unusually bright and intelligent servitor *smack* servitor to translate this, as I realize my normal manner of speaking is not appropriate for Imperial communications. Lately, I have begun using the dirty furries tactics with my forces. *smack*No, don't edit that out- that is me being polite! They have taken to it fairly well, and it certainly fits our angry mode of fighting better than that fine, stylish gentleman Girlyman's codex. I am having trouble finding suitable mounts. My Angry Marines object to having anything remotely furry between their legs. Given that our founder was driven mad by Battletoads 3, I thought that mounting them on toads would be a fair compromise and irritate the riders sufficiently that they would eviscerate, disembowel, and otherwise rip your enemies limb from limb. Is this heresy? I would have asked Commissar Fuklaw, but he is recovering from shooting himself for interrupting himself while practicing a rousing speech in the mirror. Fortunately it was just a ricochet.

Temperus Maximus, Angriest of the Angry Marines

Dear Temperus Maximus,

Using the furries tactics? Really? I am very disappointed, not because you have abandoned Bobby's *sigh* "guidelines", but because you went with something far far more sadder than actually reading that book. No one reads his book you see, they just smile and say "That's a nice book Bobby, I'm going to follow your tactical genius as it will surely lead us to victory". Why did you think you had to have an animal as a mount? We have bikes for a reason, because they're way cooler than horses. Only Bobby likes horses, but you probably already know how much he disappoints me every day. Maybe bikes with flaming chainsaw wheels? That'll show that Doomrider!

The Emperor of Mankind

















Dear Emperor of Mankind,
All your recent letters to me have been kind of mean. Do you hate me?

Roboute Guilliman

n0t_u wrote:Dear Emperor of Mankind,
All your recent letters to me have been kind of mean. Do you hate me?

Roboute Guilliman

Dear Son #13,

Yes, you and your buddies are taking all the glory! I mean, sheesh, yeah ok, you're cool, you're knightly, you're pretty kickass, but damn! Let the White-Scars or whoever get a little bit of the lime-light!

P.S. where were you at the seige of Terra anyway?! we demi-gods can hold one helluva grudge! The Imperial Fists, they were there. The White-Scars, they were there. The Blood Angels, they were there. But no, where were you?! the biggest f***ing Legion of them all!

Yours Grudgingly,

Emperorificator.


---------

Dear Mr Emperor,

How did you and Sanguinus keep your hair so soft and shiney? Now I would Imagine you're worth more than Loreal, so what is it?! Mr Sheen mixed in with Tresemme and psyker liver?

I know Leman Russ use's mead, comb, rinse and repeat and that does a good job, but leaves an odd after-scent, but what do you use?

Your's sincerely

Inquisitor Hairy-Coarsey Locks.

Inquisitor Hairy-Coarsey Locks,

I use my psychic powers to keep my hair down and dirt out.

The Emperor, Part-Time Hair model

***

Dear Emperor,

You're dead, a vegetable on life support man. How comes its been thousands of years now and you ain't rottin yet. How did you do that man? My supreme beloved Love Queen of Jazz has been dead for a day and she's so full of gases, she's already wider than her record when she was 16, man. Come on, don't be so much of a plant and gimme the methods man. I'll dedicate my latest Ultimate Smooth Jazz song to ya iof you show and tell, you dig?

The Ultimate King of Love and Smooth Jazz 'n' Soul

Turbo10k wrote:Dear Emperor,

You're dead, a vegetable on life support man. How comes its been thousands of years now and you ain't rottin yet. How did you do that man? My supreme beloved Love Queen of Jazz has been dead for a day and she's so full of gases, she's already wider than her record when she was 16, man. Come on, don't be so much of a plant and gimme the methods man. I'll dedicate my latest Ultimate Smooth Jazz song to ya iof you show and tell, you dig?

The Ultimate King of Love and Smooth Jazz 'n' Soul

Dear TUKoLaSJnS,

My method is quite easy. First you need to convince the Adeptus Mechanius that you are the physical manifestation of their machin god, the Omnisiah. This way when you die they'll build you up a fancy golden throne which brings me to step two; souls. The throne is powered by souls, everyday millions of psykers are sent to me on the black ships of the Inquisition. Then once they get here they're sorted, the rejects get absorbed by the throne. This way if I just manage to devour the souls of a million innocents that in no way have done any damage I manage to sort of stay alive and spend time replying to letters like this one.

The Emperor of Mankind
PS: It took the power of aproximately 92837 souls to power the creation of this message.















Dear Emperor of the Monkeighs,
In the past long before you species even evolved from single cell organisms my people created the Maiden Worlds. But, time and time again you monkeighs constantly come to these planets and make your homes there. We might go to visit old Eldrad only to come back to find that our home has been taken over by some hobos, as you monkeigh say. So I ask this of you, politely, can you keep your grubby little children off of our lawn.

Farseer Bel-Korhadris

n0t_u wrote:Dear Emperor of the Monkeighs,
In the past long before you species even evolved from single cell organisms my people created the Maiden Worlds. But, time and time again you monkeighs constantly come to these planets and make your homes there. We might go to visit old Eldrad only to come back to find that our home has been taken over by some hobos, as you monkeigh say. So I ask this of you, politely, can you keep your grubby little children off of our lawn.

Farseer Bel-Korhadris

Dear hated Xeno.

No. And do not consider taking action against our civillians. Our Imperial Clothing is 100% Plank of wood with a nail in it proof.

Emperor-man-guy.



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Dear Emperor of Mankind.

I've been thinking, and I think I know why you are as awesome as you are.

Is your name Edward Cullen?

Squeee, the Fantard.

Dear Emperor of Mankind.

I've been thinking, and I think I know why you are as awesome as you are.

Is your name Edward Cullen?

Squeee, the Fantard.

Dear 'tard

I am known by many names in many eras... I have been a king, a president, Miss California and even Governor of Alaska (though I quit early) so the answer to your question is...

!@@#$ed if I know. I used to keep a list but then it fell in the toilet and I can't even read the darn the thing anymore.

E

Most magnificent One

Today is Grimdark Friday, the first day of the Sacred Kwanzaa Holiday Shopping Season. Where can I get a good deal on a flat screen Vid or a portabable autocognator?

Sincerely
Shopper from Saturn

Kid_Kyoto wrote:

Most magnificent One

Today is Grimdark Friday, the first day of the Sacred Kwanzaa Holiday Shopping Season. Where can I get a good deal on a flat screen Vid or a portabable autocognator?

Sincerely
Shopper from Saturn

Dear S from S

I highly reccomend you follow around a truck. As luck will have it, you may be luck enough to have it fall off a truck

E to H


========

Dear Emperor Cullen

After reading your response to my last letter I have come to a conclusion.

YOU ARE!!! Only Edward can be so dreamily cold. But that's ok, me and my 40000 friends are coming to keep you warm.

My questions is, can you give me some directions so me and my 40000 14 and under friends can find you?

With Love,
Squee, the Fantard.

Dear Emperor Cullen

After reading your response to my last letter I have come to a conclusion.

YOU ARE!!! Only Edward can be so dreamily cold. But that's ok, me and my 40000 friends are coming to keep you warm.

My questions is, can you give me some directions so me and my 40000 14 and under friends can find you?

With Love,
Squee, the Fantard.

Dear Beloved follower of ME,

Take your regular warp-drive equipped starship and find your tragectory translator. Punch in enough numbers to fill in the 16 spaces. If you get it wrong, wait any time from half second to half a millenium and start again. After 16^9 tries, you will surely get it right. Remember! All roads lead to Terra!

The Big ME

***

Dear Emperor

How do you take a leak? I mean, you are the universe's most powerful psychic human, powered by a few thousand souls a day, but, you still have to eat, drink, and the remains come out somewhere...Never have any references recorded you actually leaving the throne, so has it got like an integrated toilet seat or what?!

A curious fella

Dear Emperor

How do you take a leak? I mean, you are the universe's most powerful psychic human, powered by a few thousand souls a day, but, you still have to eat, drink, and the remains come out somewhere...Never have any references recorded you actually leaving the throne, so has it got like an integrated toilet seat or what?!

A curious fella

Dear Curious

To tell you the truth, I'm not 100% sure myself. Those tech heads have me hooked up to so many pipes and tubes and who know what else that I wouldn't be surprised that some of these widgets don't actually have a use. Considering that I feed on the souls of psykers, neither of us would want to know what the by-product of that is anyway.

Your Leader
Teh Space Emperor

***

Dear big spase boss

Me 'nd the boyz 'ave been wonderin': you wear this big yellow suit, and sit in a big yellow seat, and since everyone knows that things painted yellow gives it moar dakka, how much dakka do you have?

The Boyz

Dear Emperor

How do you take a leak? I mean, you are the universe's most powerful psychic human, powered by a few thousand souls a day, but, you still have to eat, drink, and the remains come out somewhere...Never have any references recorded you actually leaving the throne, so has it got like an integrated toilet seat or what?!

A curious fella

Dear Curious

For the high crime of even thinking of the Space Emporer's holy bodily functions you have been condemed for Heresy, Attempted Heresy, Considering Heresy and Committing Heresy.

The Family Inquisition

Beloved!

Thank you, thank you, thank you! Thank you for lending me your Weapons Grade Plutonium Card, you were right a little retail therapy was all I needed. On Grimdark Friday I got two Gap Skull bras for just $20 and new Power Stilletto Heels for just $50 and I got a new Flying Baby Thing for just $80! It was totally worth standing in line from 3 in the morning!

Anyway, I also wanted some advice. There's this guy I work with and he's always been nice to me, helping my carry in the groceries and melta'ing the occasional heretic land raider. But lately he's been a bit creepy, just sitting up there in this walking throne thing, trying to look down my top. Inviting over to his place for a night of 'mediation'. How can I make it clear I'm not interested but still get him to help out when I need someone to move furniture or zorch a Battlewagon?

St. Celestine
Hieromartyr of the Palatine Crusade


PS I have some leave for Kwanzaa so I was thinking we could both get away for a few days, go somewhere romantic, talk about our relationship and my new codex? how about it sweetums?

Kid_Kyoto wrote:Beloved!

Thank you, thank you, thank you! Thank you for lending me your Weapons Grade Plutonium Card, you were right a little retail therapy was all I needed. On Grimdark Friday I got two Gap Skull bras for just $20 and new Power Stilletto Heels for just $50 and I got a new Flying Baby Thing for just $80! It was totally worth standing in line from 3 in the morning!

Anyway, I also wanted some advice. There's this guy I work with and he's always been nice to me, helping my carry in the groceries and melta'ing the occasional heretic land raider. But lately he's been a bit creepy, just sitting up there in this walking throne thing, trying to look down my top. Inviting over to his place for a night of 'mediation'. How can I make it clear I'm not interested but still get him to help out when I need someone to move furniture or zorch a Battlewagon?

St. Celestine
Hieromartyr of the Palatine Crusade


PS I have some leave for Kwanzaa so I was thinking we could both get away for a few days, go somewhere romantic, talk about our relationship and my new codex? how about it sweetums?

Dear St. Celestine,
What did the restraining order say? No contact with me and stay at least two solar systems away.
Wait, walking high chair? You mean Karmaz. How is he? Has he stopped that crying yet?
The Emperor





Dear Emperor,
I am a princess from the Imperial Solar System called Nigeriaum. My father the king is currently being held hostage by renegade Space Marines and they are demanding $1 million to free him. I have some of the money, but I am $5000 off. Can you please send $5000 to me to free him. Once he is free he will be able to reward you greatly.

Nigeriaum Princess in serious trouble.
PS: Serious trouble, please help