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The international reactions: The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

The Scots raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let’s get the Bastards" They don’t have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the frontline in the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France’s white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country’s military capability. It’s not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Americans meanwhile are carrying out pre-emptive strikes, on all of their allies, just in case.

New Zealand has also raised its security levels – from "baaa" to "BAAAA!". Due to continuing defense cutbacks (the air force being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister’s bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is "gak, I hope Australia will come and rescue us". In the event of invasion, New Zealanders will be asked to gather together in a strategic defensive position called "Bondi".

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She’ll be right, mate". Three more escalation levels remain, "Crikey!’, "I think we’ll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled". So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

Cannerus_The_Unbearable wrote:

Scrazza wrote:Nobody seems to have posted the obvious.

Knock knock...

I'll bite

Who's there?

this is rather awkward now. I have heared the knock knock joke countless times, but I seem to have forgotten how they go.

Scrazza wrote:

Cannerus_The_Unbearable wrote:

Scrazza wrote:Nobody seems to have posted the obvious.

Knock knock...

I'll bite

Who's there?

this is rather awkward now. I have heared the knock knock joke countless times, but I seem to have forgotten how they go.

It's never awkward when I'm the one biting.

...n/m.

Might a well...

I was always htinking about becoming a funeral director,






But i didn't in the end, it was a Dieing trade.

What's the difference between a Porsche and a dead hooker?

I haven't got a Porsche in my garage.

Albatross wrote:What's the difference between a Porsche and a dead hooker?

I haven't got a Porsche in my garage.

You must be some kind of truck driver then.......

Albatross wrote:What's the difference between a Porsche and a dead hooker?

I haven't got a Porsche in my garage.

The perfect pick-up line.

Bad jokes, you say...

A skeleton walked in to a bar and said,
"Give me a beer and a mop."

What did people write on the grave to the victims of Jack the Ripper?


A polar bear walks into a bar and says:
"Give me a scotch and... Coke."
"Why the long pause?" asks the bartender.
"I don't know," says the bear. "I've always had them."

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the king's horses and all the king's men
Couldn't put Humpty together again.
How do you spell that with only four letters?



Two mooses sat in a tree. Then a submarine came and sat down in another tree. Then one of the mooses said to the other moose
"I guess he lives there."

Why didn't the lobster share his toys?

Because he was shelfish.

what do you call a three legged donkey?

a Wonkey.

What did soul legend James Brown say when he died of a heart attack?



I put cling film over a toilet on the moon on the off chance you would use it....

a dyslexic man walks into a bra...

Why was Bush so enraptured by WMDs? Becaus his Women wouldn't Make Dinner.

A horse walks into a bar.

"Why the long face?" asks the bartender.

"I have cancer" says the horse.


Cracks me up everytime. >_<

pixelpusher wrote:A horse walks into a bar.

"Why the long face?" asks the bartender.

"I have cancer" says the horse.

Two blondes are walking in the woods when they come across a set of tracks.

"Oh look!" proclaims the first. "Deer tracks."

"You idiot, those are moose tracks," the second one tells her.

They were still arguing ten minutes later when the train hit them.

Whats worse than finding a worm in your apple?


(the actual answer is different, but I was afraid it was too offensive (starts w/ an h and ends with st))

Slarg232 wrote:There was once a Black and white Space Marine on a Black and White Bike......

SHUT- UP!!!!

Why did Helen Keller's dog jump off a cliff and kill itself? You would too if your name was sajifjlsisdjifiuop

Did you know Helen Keller had a pool?

How do you punish Helen Keller?

How did Helen Keller's parents punish her?



How did Helan Keller's parents punish her when they got REALLY mad?

Battle Brother Lucifer wrote:Whats worse than finding a worm in your apple?

Spoiler:

Mass Genocide

(the actual answer is different, but I was afraid it was too offensive (starts w/ an h and ends with st))

The "safe" answer is "finding half a worm in your apple." But, yeah.

------------------------------------------

Why do elephants paint their toenails red?

So they can hide in cherry trees.

Have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree? It must work.

biccat wrote:

Battle Brother Lucifer wrote:Whats worse than finding a worm in your apple?

Spoiler:

Mass Genocide

(the actual answer is different, but I was afraid it was too offensive (starts w/ an h and ends with st))

The "safe" answer is "finding half a worm in your apple." But, yeah.

------------------------------------------

Why do elephants paint their toenails red?

So they can hide in cherry trees.

Have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree? It must work.

I like posting lame, yet funny, lame jokes

LoL the funny thing is i came up with my jokes myself....
Another one.

What do you call a 3 year old in make up and a dress?

Perkustin wrote:LoL the funny thing is i came up with my jokes myself....
Another one.

What do you call a 3 year old in make up and a dress?

Spoiler:

Censored by the Inquisition

Damn. I want to know!!! Pm me the answer, or hint at it, etc please!

Perkustin wrote:LoL the funny thing is i came up with my jokes myself....
Another one.

What do you call a 3 year old in make up and a dress?

Spoiler:

Censored by the Inquisition

The sole contents of my garage?

...

What?

A penguin walks into a bar. He asks the bartender, "Have you seen my brother around here?"

Bartender says, "What's he look like?"

Two necrophiliacs walk by a graveyard. ONe looks at the other and says "Hey, wanna grab a cold one?"

How many t-rexes does it take to eat a coconut?

rubiksnoob wrote:How many t-rexes does it take to eat a coconut?

I don't know...how many T-Rexes does it take to eat a coconut?...

Two Haitians walk into a bar