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Back on topic, these humble efforts seem fairly popular.

http://www.dakkadakka.com/gallery/images-518-5614_Signatures.html

I wont post my normal selection of images, have some stories instead:

HH as a barfight

The Emperor, owner of a bar downtown declares his grand opening after evicting the previous owners and buys a round for everyone and leaves the place in the capable hands of his manager Horus.

Horus is pissed at the new format and wants a dance club instead of a pub and decides to make it happen.

His bouncers, Mortarion, Angron, and Fulgrim (who likes to dance) all agree this is the right course to take the bar.

The Emperor’s most loyal customer, Magnus, files a complaint about this via text message but cell phones are not allowed in the bar. The Emperor tells Horus to get the doorman, Leman Russ to escort Magnus out.

Horus instead instructs Russ to throw him out. Russ instead smashes a bar stool over his head and then drags him out the back door.

Fulgrim takes over as DJ and starts playing some Lady Gaga. Everyone gets down.

Rogal Dorn, working the coat check isn’t too pleased at what’s happening and sends some of the guys to deal with this.

Corax and Vulkan start arguments with Angron and Mortarion. Ferrus Manus has words with Fulgrim about the music. A dance off ensues with Fulgrim knocking Ferrus out cold with a sucker punch.

The three talk tough as their buddies Alpharius, Lorgar, Konrad Curze and Perterabo show up to back them up.

Just as the argument heats up, the new guys smash beer bottles over Vulkan and Corax and have them thrown out of the bar.

Dorn seeing he is outnumbered locks himself in the coat check and gets on the phone to call his friends. While Perturabo and Angron try to smash the door down, Sanguinius and Khan show up for the fight. Gulliman is enjoying a 7-up at a bar across town but says he’s sober enough to drive over. Meanwhile Lion El Johnson can’t get past the line up because he's too busy fighting with his girlfriend.

While Khan revs his harley outside to scare everyone, Sanguinius tries to take on Horus who bitch slaps him to the ground. With all the noise and racket going on, the Emperor gets off the net (where he’s been trying to block spammers all night) and comes downstairs to sort the mess out. Dorn comes out of the coat check mouthing off at everyone.

Horus and the Emperor beat each other up until Horus passes out. Just then El’Johnson sneaks in with fake I.D. and Gulliman finally shows up with most of his Facebook friends (He has over 100 000). Russ shows up but is too drunk to fight.

Angron, Fulgrim et. al grab Horus’ limp body and make a run for the dance club down the street, vowing revenge. Alpharius stays behind in a washroom stall with a trench coat and sunglasses to beat up unsuspecting patrons.

Gulliman and Dorn put the Emperor in his lazyboy upstairs hoping he’ll wake up sooner or later. Gulliman takes temporary management of the bar and institutes a smoking ban and can’t serve to minors anymore rule. He also creates a more standard menu consisting of only meat products. Eldar, Orks and Tau are still banned.


Dark Angels at the movies.

(Movie theater. Various normal people sitting around, waiting for the
movie to begin. Doors open, and Azrael, Ezekiel and Asmodai of the
Dark Angels enter. They make their way to an empty row)
AZRAEL- Brothers, come! We shall sit here, in a row that is free of heretics and accursed alien filth!
EZEKIEL- Thou art correct, Brother. I sense no tainted mind of Chaos within this row!
ASMODAI- Come Brothers! Let us be seated!
(They all sit down. Their massive power-armoured forms block the view
of seven people behind them)
AZRAEL- Alas!
ASMODAI- Brother, what is thy concern?
AZRAEL- In our foolish rush, we have forgotten to purchase
refreshments!
ASMODAI- Dost thou wish to repent and seek forgiveness, Brother
Azrael?
EZEKIEL- Come Brothers, calm thyselves! There is still time!
AZRAEL- I shall take a squad of Marines to the refreshment area,
where we will purchase food and drink, which we shall consume for the
duration of this motion picture!
ASMODAI- Wait Brother! We still require local currency!
AZRAEL- Blessed be thy quick mind Asmodai! I shall empty my pockets
for local currency!
(Azrael empties his robe pockets)
AZRAEL- Emperor's blood... I have only enough to purchase strong
monkish ale for but one of us!
EZEKIEL- Fear not Brother, for we too shall empty our pockets!
(They all empty their pockets)
ASMODAI- Praise be Him on Terra! We have enough of this crude local
currency to purchase strong monkish ale for us all!
EZEKIEL- But wait! What about nourishment?
AZRAEL- Aye, in the form of heavily salted popped corn!
ASMODAI- We have not enough to purchase such decandant luxuries!
AZRAEL- Thou art correct Asmodai. But enough idle prattle! I go now
to purchase strong monkish ale!
(Azrael stands up, but begins to struggle)
EZEKIEL- Brother Azrael, what is wrong?
AZRAEL- Uuurgh... c-can't move... feet stuck... to f-floor! Urgh!
ASMODAI- Alas, he is being held by arcane and blasphemeous Chaos
sorcery!
AZRAEL- Some sort of... urrgh... strange adhesive... coating m-my
armour! Aaargh!
EZEKIEL- Brother, arm thyself! We must free our beloved Chapter
Master from this foul embrace of Chaos!
(Ezekiel and Asmodai arm their bolters. Azrael suddenly breaks free
on the chewing gum that had stuck to the soles of his boots)
AZRAEL- Hold thy fire Brothers! I have broken free!
ASMODAI- Truly our Chapter Master is blessed by the Lion and the
Emperor of Terra, may His light never die!
AZRAEL- We shall have time to rejoice later Brother, for I still
must...
EZEKIEL- Brother Azrael! The motion picture has started!
AZRAEL- Curses! Then I must make haste, immediately! Our parched
gullets depend on my swiftness!
ASMODAI- Then hurry Brother! With all haste! Emperor be with you!
AZRAEL- Many thanks Brother! I go now... TO PURCHASE STRONG MONKISH
ALE!
ALL- UNTIL THE SWORD IS REFORGED!!!
(People in the back row begin to throw popcorn at them)
EZEKIEL- Brothers, take cover! We are under fire!
ASMODAI- Arm thyselves! Prepare to return fire! We shall cleanse
their souls with righteous bolter fire!
AZRAEL- Die heretic filth!!!
(They open fire and massacre the people in the back row. In the row
in front of them, CYPHER and LUTHER)
LUTHER- (points back over shoulder) See? THAT'S why I turned to Chaos...
CYPHER- My sentiments exactly... (turns to face the three Dark
Angels) WILL YOU THREE SHUT UP!!!
AZRAEL, EZEKIEL AND ASMODAI- Emperor's bones! Cypher, the Fallen One!
REPENT, FOR TOMORROW YOU...
CYPHER- yeah, yeah, blah blah blah...
(A WATCHER pops up from nowhere, steals Cypher's popcorn and runs off)
CYPHER- Why you little-!
(WATCHER giggles sadistically and runs out of the cinema)
CYPHER- Curse you, you damn Jawa-wannabe!!!
(CYPHER pulls out plasma pistol and bolt pistol and sprays fire
around randomly, slaughtering people)
LUTHER- Cypher, jeez, it's just popcorn, and besides, the damn things
are invulnerable...
CYPHER- Raaaaaaargh!!!
(Azrael whips out combi-plasma and places it point-blank to Cypher's
forehead)
AZRAEL- Die, Fallen One!
CYPHER- You do realise I'll only truly die if the divine power that
protects me rolls three ones...
(Azrael fires. Cypher is blown apart. Luther looks on, amused)
LUTHER- Well, whaddya know? Guess Cypher wasn't so lucky after all...
(Ezekiel and Asmodai pull out force sword and crozius respectively
and loom over Luther)
EZEKIEL AND ASMODAI- REPENT, TRAITOR!!! FOR TOMORROW YOU DIE!!!
LUTHER- ... Wait a minute.
AZRAEL, ASMODAI AND EZEKIEL- WHAT IS IT, FOUL ONE SPEAK SWIFTLY, FOR
YOUR TIME IS...
LUTHER- Shut it. I was wondering, about that "Repent for tomorrow you
die" thing...
AZRAEL- It is our sacred battlecry!
LUTHER- Yes, but technically, if you are to adhere to your battlecry,
you should come back tomorrow and kill me tomorrow, which is kinda
silly really, since you've just sort of warned me and given me some
sort of advantage, as I can stay out your way tomorrow.
AZRAEL- Shut up! Shut up!
LUTHER- Furthermore, if you shout that battlecry EVERY TIME you are
about to do battle with someone, doesn't that mean that you can never
kill anyone? I mean, take now for instance. You say, "Repent, for
tomorrow you die", correct? Now, if you do track me down tomorrow,
you would have to shout your battlecry again; "Repent, for tomorrow
you die", so you couldn't attack me then either. And so on and so on
and so on.
EZEKIEL- (downcast) You've just mutilated the battlecry we've been
happily using for ten millennia...
ASMODAI- That's soooo meeeean!!!
LUTHER- And what's up with the dresses!? The old Dark Angels never
wore dresses!
AZRAEL- They are our holy robes...
LUTHER- Damn it, I don't even want to be the Great Fallen One of a
damn transvestite chapter!
I wonder if the Ultramarines could recruit me as some sort of arch-
enemy of old? At least they don't wear dressing gowns into battle!
EZEKIEL- If I can just make a point...
LUTHER- Just get out of my sight. You're scum. I don't even want to
look at you.
ASMODAI- But Sir...
LUTHER- SPEAK WHEN YOU'RE SPOKEN TO, MONK BOY!!! Now, get out.
(Azrael, Asmodai and Ezekiel shuffle out of the cinema. Luther
settles back in his seat and rests his feet on a Watcher in the Dark)
LUTHER- Thank Chaos for that.
TWO WEEKS LATER, THE EMPEROR'S THRONEROOM...
ADEPTUS CUSTODES- Lord God Imperator?
THE BIG GUY- Yeeeeeeeesss...?
ADEPTUS CUSTODES- (hands the Throne Geezer a piece of paper) The Dark
Angels wish to hand in their letter of resignation...
THE BIG GUY- WTF!!?
ADEPTUS CUSTODES- Apparently they've had rather a strict talking-to
and they've just had enough of being bullied really. They want to
quit.
THE BIG GUY- BY MY GOLDEN TOILET, THEY CANNOT SIMPLY QUIT!!!
ADEPTUS CUSTODES- Oh, they did kill Cypher though...
THE BIG GUY- Ah well, guess no rebirth for me... and I really wanted
to be the Star Child too...

THE END

Time to post this again

Random conservation:
Alpharius: Hey there, I am Alpharius.
Alpharius: Hey, me too.
Alpharius: Cool, I am Alpharius too!
Alpharius: Sup?
Alpharius: So, what are you guys real names?
ALL: Alpharius
Alpharius: Neat!
Alpharius: Let's do something together!
Alpharius: Allright
Alpharius: For the Emperor.

 BaronIveagh wrote:

 Kid_Kyoto wrote:


I'd buy that Manga.

Do you hear my GW, I WOULD BUY THIS!

The ironic part is that the whole heresy does have a sort of school girl drama about it, doesn't it?

It is really... Except that in this case its not broken nails and harts, but billions of dead and even more suffering

How many slanneshi worshipers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

two. just dont ask how they get in there.



______________________________________________________________________


Big celebration at the end of a huge campaign. all the marines and all the guardsmen are there. drinks are flowing, boasts are being made, and the question as to who is the best warriors comes up.
First up, the space wolves start basting about their heritage of leman russ, their love and thirt for battle, and all their many victories.
then the blood angels point to the black rage, their love of assault squads, how they earned the name, above all other marines of "the angels of death".
Dark Angels remain silent, but point to the wall where a tapestry is rolled out of all their mighty victories, sweeping their enemies before them with bolter fire.

And it goes on. and on. and it gets louder and louder. FInally, 2 catachans come up, and tap one of the marines on the shoulder.
"Right lad. me an' my mate here want to have a word with you and yours. Out back. 5 minutes. We'll show you who is the toughest".

THe marines fall silent, and burst out laughing while the 2 catachans quietly walk to the bar's exit and leave. and they finish their beers, keep up their war stories for another while. then as one they get up, and make their way to the exit to boasts of "Right, let's show these guardsmen whose boss" . Needless to say, when exitting the bar, none of them saw the tripwire....

the moral of the story? catachans rock. that is all.

 mayfist wrote:

It is really... Except that in this case its not broken nails and harts, but billions of dead and even more suffering

So, this is different from schoolgirls with armies and/or giant robots (I'm looking at you, Asuka Langly Soryu!) how? (I mean, seriously, people, stop and look at how neatly the cast of Evangelion slides into 40k, or the possibility thatt the Emperor is secretly Haruhi Suzumiya...)

I mean, stop and think about it, something happens, and they all turn on each other like catty teen girls with collective daddy issues.

So the Lord Militant enters his tent and finds someone took all the pudding! "Who took my pudding!" He demanded.
Tallarn Dessert Raiders

So the Lord Militant has an important meeting and he needs a well pressed uniform. Who should he designate to protect the essential equipment he needs so he can have a wrinkle-free uniform?
Mordian Iron Guard

So the Lord Militant goes to pay for dinner but finds his wallet is gone! Who could have taken it?
Armageddon Steal Legion

So the Lord Militant's law is overrun with weeks. Who can eliminate all this unwanted pant life?
Catachan Jungle Fighers

So the Lord Militant finds the market went down and his portfolio lost half its value. Who can advise him?
Cadian Stock Troopers

Thank you all very much, I'll be here all week!

Deadnight wrote:
How many slanneshi worshipers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

two. just dont ask how they get in there.

Pretty sure one can get the job done. Just don't ask how...

 Kid_Kyoto wrote:
So the Lord Militant enters his tent and finds someone took all the pudding! "Who took my pudding!" He demanded.
Tallarn Dessert Raiders

So the Lord Militant has an important meeting and he needs a well pressed uniform. Who should he designate to protect the essential equipment he needs so he can have a wrinkle-free uniform?
Mordian Iron Guard

So the Lord Militant goes to pay for dinner but finds his wallet is gone! Who could have taken it?
Armageddon Steal Legion

So the Lord Militant's law is overrun with weeks. Who can eliminate all this unwanted pant life?
Catachan Jungle Fighers

So the Lord Militant finds the market went down and his portfolio lost half its value. Who can advise him?
Cadian Stock Troopers

Thank you all very much, I'll be here all week!

The Lord Militant's army is starving! Who could possibly provide the vegetable nourishment his men need?
Elysian Crop Troops

Following their tendance, they Elysian Crop Troops failed again! And now the Death Krops of Krieg must fix that.

Xenos.

Deadnight wrote:
How many slanneshi worshipers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

two. just dont ask how they get in there.

Six, and by the will of Slaanesh.

MUHAHAHA!!! CRY SOME MORE XENOS!!!!

admitantly not mine but its funny to me.

Incoming, Marnius Calgars Home Improvements!

(its well worth the read)

The intro for HIWMC plays. Marneus is seen sawing, hammering in nails, and hugging small children.

The camera makes a swooping move, ending in a garden, outside what appears to be a Eldar house. Marneus Calgar and four other Marines are standing outside the door. They are not wearing any helmets, instead they are wearing yellow hard-hats.

Marneus: Hi everybody, and welcome the my new show, "Home Improvement" with me, Marneus Calgar. To kick of our very first episode, we have a very special guest, whose house is going to get a make over! It´s none other that farseer extrordinare, and all round alien scum, Eldrad Ulthran!

Marneus knocks rather hard on the door. Afte a good while, Eldrad opens it. He´s wearing his night-clothes, covered in litte pictures of Khaine. He gets a look of extreme suspicion in his eyes when he sees Calgar.

Eldrad: Yeees?

Marneus: Congratulations Eldrad! You have been selected to get a free house makeover, on galaxywide T.V!

Eldrad: I didn´t sign up for this.

Marneus: Nobody does.

Two of the Marines manhandle Eldrad out of the house and he disspears from view. Marneus enters the house.

Marneus: Let´s see. We will as always start with the hallway.

The camera makes a sweep over the hallway. It´s white, and there´s a small sofa and a table with a lamp..

Marneus: As we all know, a mans home is his fortress. Now, what would happen if a slvering Carnifex broke into Eldrads hallway? What would he do? Beat him of with a lamp?

Marneus makes a imitation of Eldrad trying to fend of a carnifex with a lamp. The marines roll on the floor with laughter.

Marneus: But fear not! We will help Eldrad! Get to work my brothers!

The Marines beging erecting steel bulkheads along the walls. In the centre, they mount a huge multimelta on a tripod.

Marneus: There, much better. Now on to the living room.

They enter Eldrads living room. It´s a spacious room, filled with exquisite whraithbone ornaments, and spiritstones decorating the walls. Marneus frowns.

Marneus: While Eldrads room might be chique in certain circles, it´s so M.35:ish.... We can do better than that. First though, we have to clear the room.

The marines begin to rip apart the room with the aid of chainswords and powerfists. You can almost hear the faint screams of the eldar spirits when Marneus powerfists smash into the wraithbone covered wall. After a good 30 minutes of wanton destruction, the room is barren. Marneus wipes the sweat from his brow.

Marneus: There, now we can begin decorating. While my brothers are doing that, we can look at the garden.

The camera once again shows Eldrads beautiful garden.

Marneus: Nice, but not wartorn enough for my taste. Brother Altus?

Brother Altus hops on a Marine-bike and begins revving around the garden, leaving deep deep trackmarsk everywhere. Marnues nods, satisfied.

Marneus: Now, for the most important room in the house. The bedroom!

Eldrads bedroom is a sombre place, with a simple cot to sleep on. The room is however dominated by a big mural on one wall, depicting the Eldar gods in one of their wars. It´s magnificent.

Marneus: Today, is the annual of the day when the Emperor defeated the traitor warlord Horus! And what better way to celebrate it, than with a HUGE wallpainting depicting this glorious victory?!

With those words, he begins to paint over the mural. A while later the Marines gather in the livingroom, wich is now dominated by a huge gold Imperial Eagle hanging from the ceiling. Small statues of the Emperor has also been placed everywhere.

Marneus: Now, for the final touches! An new entrance into the kitchen into the living room...

He smashes through the wall with his powerfist. A crude doorway into the kitchen is formed.

Marneus: Some new literature for Eldrad to read, including a SIGNED copy of my new biography, "Marneus, the man behind the armour"!

One of the marines takes up a flamer and roasts Eldrads old books, lying in a pile on the floor. Another marine erects a crude bookshelf and fills it with Empire-approved books.

Marneus: Now, it´s time for Eldrad to see what we have accomplished. I´m sure he´ll be overjoyed!

Eldrad steps in. The camera is so close to Eldrad that you can actually see the vein in his forehead burst.

Eldrad: What in the name of Khaine´s seven body orifices have you done to my house!?!?

Marneus (looking truly hurt): You don´t like it?

The singing spear targeted at his heart is answer enough. As the camera slowly fades out, we see Eldrad and Marneus wrestling on the floor, shouting curses at each other.

FINI.

__________________________________________________

The intro for HIWMC plays. Marneus is seen sawing, hammering in nails, and hugging small children.

As the camera fades in, we see Marneus and a squad of Marines standing in what appears to be an assault boat.

Marneus: Welcome everybody, to "Home Improvment", with me, Marneus Calgar! For todays show, we´ve got something really special. That´s right, we´re going to redecorate a Hive Ship! If we Ultramarines have learned anything about the Tyranids, it is that they have really bad taste in furniture...

The ship rocks as they make contact with the bio-ships surface. The ramp lowers.

Marneus (holding his nose): My god, what IS that stench?

One of the Marines points to a large orifice in a wall.

Marine: Sir, the stench seems to come from that, umm, hole...

Marneus: Well, do something about it then!

The Marines lobs several Krakgrenades down the hole.

Marneus (surveying the room): Now then, on to decorating. As we can clearly see, the Nids are going for the "veiny and pulsating" style, that was so popular a few years ago. However, nowadays this is hopelessly out of style. But do not worry, we will help them!

The marines, now armed with paintbrushes and paintbuckets begins to apply a thick coat of blue paint to the living walls.

Marneus: As you all can see, the Ultramarine blue matches the gory red of the ceiling fantasticly. Another tip is to mix in a bit of Rhino-fuel in the paint to make it stick to living matter. All these tips and many more can be found in my new book, "Painting made easy, Calgar-style". A number will be displayed right after the show, for ease of ordering.

From the adjacent tunnel, chittering can be heard. It grows and grows in intensity.

Marneus: Oh, I almost forgot to mention. Not all creatures in the galaxy has the same fashion sense as I. Amongst those are genestealers, who reside in large numbers on Hive-ships such as these. They can be quite the annoyance when you work. So, just for this occasion, we have a special guest star! Please welcome Chaplain Xavier, from the immensly popular *grumble grumble* show, Cooking with Chaplain Xavier!

Marneus reaches out and drags Xavier on screen. Xavier waves into the camera.

Xavier: Hi. Umm, Marneus, you said there would be cooking. I don´t see any cooking though...

Marneus (pointing to the chittering tunnel): In there, they are all waiting for you.

Marneus shows Xavier, who is hefting a flamer, into the tunnel.

Xavier (in the distance): Hey, there isn´t anyone here. Hold on, who goes there? Holy cupcakes of the Emperor, Stealers! Ouch, stop that, those claws are sharp! Hey, i said stop it! Allright, thats it. I´ts coooooooking time!

Flaming, alien screams, the sound of claws cutting into ceramite, the sound of alien skulls crushing and the distinct whooping and cheering of Xavier are all heard from the tunnel.

Marneus: Now, let´s get back to decorating. Don´t worry folks, Xavier is doing just fine.

The marines are finished painting and are now hanging up tapestries and small chandeliers. Marneus himself is carving out a statue of the Emperor from the wall with his powerfist. Surprisingly, it actually looks like the Emperor.

Marneus: Well, thats all we have for you today. The producer just informed me that we have run out of time. But don´t worry, we´ll be back next week, with more Home Improvement.

Xavier walks in, dragging a huge pice of roasted meat. He is completly unscathed.

Xavier: Let´s eat!

They all hunker down on the floor. Soon singin erupts. They are roughly interupted by a Carnifex, storming into the chamber and trampling two of the Marines. The Fex then snaps Marneus statue in half.

Marneus: No! You b*stard, I worked hard on that!

As the camera slowly fades out, Marneus and the Fex are wrestling on the floor, Marneus spouting obscenities and the Fex roaring wildly.

END.

______________________________________________

The intro for HIWMC plays. Marneus is seen sawing, hammering in nails, and hugging small children.

The opening shot is of Marneus standing on the HIWMC stage. He waves to the camera.

Marneus: Well, you all know who I am, and what I do, so lets get down to bussiness, mkay? Today we have a very special episode. We are going to let a team from our brother chapter the Space Wolfes, redecorate the Fortress monastery of the Dark Angels chapter, also known as The Rock! And ofcourse, next week the Angels are going to return the favour. Paint will be spilled, walls will be smashed down and hilarity will ensue. Let´s get on with it!

Five Space Marines walks on stage, their markings clearly identifying them as Space Wolfes. They are all wearing the same yellow hard hats as Marneus and his brother Marines were wearing in the first episode. The hard hats look ridicoulusly small on the giant Marines.

Marneus: Well boys, are you excited?

Space Wolf 1: Sure are Calg. We´re really looking forward to this. Me and Ragnar here will do the painting, Anwulf will do all the light fixtures, Erik will work the floors. And finally Bob here (He indicates the fifth marine, who is grinning wildly and hefting a power sledge) will organize all the wanton destruction.

Marneus: Sounds marvelous. Well, in the name of the Emperor, of you go!

The Wolfs rush of stage into a waiting Thunderhawk.

Marneus: Now while they are working, we have 2 hours to spare. So without further ado, please welcome the galaxy-famous dance troupe "Spandex for Khaine"! They´ve come here all the way from the webway, and are going to perform "The fall of the Eldar race".

The camera pivots to reveal a poorly constructed scene, complete with tacky curtains and all. A dozen Harlequins, dressed in marvelous clothes are brutally shoved on stage by Ultramarine stage hands. The Harlequins look rather unhappy, but begin to dance nonetheless. After 1 hour and 59 minutes they are done, and they all collapse on stage from exhaustion. Marneus applauds curtly, then gives a nod to somebody offstage. On cue, 3 Marines with chainswords revving gets on the stage and walks firmly towards the collapsed Eldar. Thankfully the camera turns away at the last moment. The viewers are left only with the horrible sounds erupting from the stage.

Marneus: Now wasn´t that great? Anyhow, time to check up on our friends at the Rock!

[/i]The camera cuts, and then returns. We see Marneus standing in what appears to be the interior of the Rock. Four of the Space Wolfs are there with him.[/i]

Marneus: Where´s Bob?

Space Wolf 1: He got so carried away with the task of creating new and exciting doorways that he punched a hole through a wall.

Space Wolf 2: An exterior wall.

Marneus: Oh. Well, tell me what you have done.

They walk through the deserted hallways of the Rock.

Space Wolf 1: We noticed there was a considerable lack of imagery depicting our beloved father Leman Russ.

Space Wolf 2: We fixed that. Didn´t we Erik?

Space Wolf 3: Sure did. Boy will our fellow Marines be surprised when they enter their dining hall and find a 400 feet tall painting of Russ strangling Lion El´Jonson. I consider that painting a personal masterpiece. It´s extremely detailed, down to the 10 feet bulging eyes of Jonson.

Marneus: I´m sure it is. Now what about the basement? That´s often the most overlooked part of a house. By the way, you can read about that in my new book, "Fire Down Below, Cellars Explained by Calgar."

Space Wolf 3: Sheesh, let me tell you, the Angels have no taste in cellars... not a roaring fireplace or hunk of raw meat in sight.

They wander down into the cellars.

Space Wolf 2: Awful I tell you. Instead, there were these small wretched creatures scuttling about. Watchers in the Dark I think he called them.

Marneus: Who called them that?

Space Wolf 2: That chap. He even taught us how to make excellent roast out of them.

He jabs a finger down a corridor. In the bright light of a portable grilling device sits an eerily familiar person, dressed in green power armour. He has several Watchers in the Dark impaled on a stick, slowly roasting.

Space Wolf 3: But that´s not all of it. Everywhere there were these jail cells, and there were Marines locked up! I think the sign said "Dungeon of the Fallen". Anyways, we let them out. Rude devils didn´t even thank us, just ran their way.

Marneus: I love what you´ve done to the lighting down here.

Space Wolf 3: Thanks.

They move on, finally stopping outside a ornate door.The sign says "Private! Do not enter!"

Marneus: And this is?

Space Wolf 1: The private chambers of Azrael.

Marneus: Oh, can i see what... (Bends down to open the door, but is stopped by Space Wolf 1.)

Space Wolf 1: Wouldn´t open that if i were you. We left a small present for Azrael. A token of friendship if you like.

Marneus: Present? Like a Master crafted weapon? A ancient copy of Codex Astartes? Flowers?

Space Wolf 2: Nope. 74 Fenrisian wolfs.

Marneus: Emperors underwear! How on Terra did you manage to get seventyfour 400 pound wolfs into a space, how big?

Space Wolf 3: 3 by 5 meters.

Marneus: 15 square meters.

Space Wolf 2: We don´t really know, but its a wonder the doors holding...

The door creaks considerably, and faint animal moans are heard from inside.

Marneus: It looks like you boys did a fine job! But unfortunately that´s all we have time for today. Tune in the next week for the follow up. Now let´s get out of here before Azrael returns. I don+t want to end up in another wrestling match. My arms still a bit sore since that Fex lats time.

END.

___________________________________________

The intro for HIWMC plays. Marneus is seen sawing, hammering in nails, and hugging small children.

The opening shot is of Marneus standing on the HIWMC stage. He waves to the camera.

Marneus: Hello again faithful viewers! As you all know, last time we let a team of Space Wolfs redecorate the Dark Angles fortress. The results were simply astounding. When Azrael saw what they had accomplished, he suffered FOUR simultaneus heart attacks! Boy was he glad he had that secondary heart... Anyways, on to todays show! Please welcome the Dark Angels!

Applause from the audience as five Dark Angel space marines enter the stage from a side door. They are brandishing meltaguns, chainswords and big nasty-looking melta charges. Uncertainly they wave at the audience.

Marneus: Welcome to the show. You guys excited?

Dark Angel 1 (grimly): Yep. We have a score to settle. Our esteemed brothers, the Space Wolfs, did such a "wonderful" job last time on the show. We simply must return the "favour"...

Marneus: Sounds great! You have a special plan of action?

Dark Angel 2: Smash and tear...

Dark Angel 1 (Shushin at Dark Angel 2): Umm, the usual. Carpets, some nice lighting and murals.

Dark Angel 3: But you said that we would smahs and burn and loot and...

Dark Angel 3 is silenced by Dark Angel 1´s fist.

Dark Angel 1: Carpets.

Marneus: Oh-kay. We´ll off you go!

The Dark Angels march off to a waiting Thunderhawk.

Marneus: Now as usual while we wait, we have some high class entertainment for you! Not like that two bit hack *Ahem*Xavier*Ahem*. I proudly present to you, THE FIRST COMPANY TAP-DANCERS!

The camera pans to reveal a shoddy scene constructed in the shuttlebay of Marneus battle-barge. The curtains open. The Ultramarines first company is standing on the stage, dressed in Tactical Dreadnought armour.

Marneus: Take it away boys!

The Terminators start tapping away. Their heavy ceramite boots are making deep marks in the floor, and the sound is deafening. Marneus is clapping his hands in rythm and smiling.

Marneus (Shouting to make himself heard): And now brother Tiberius solo!

The venerable librarian taps away frenetically. His tapping further and further away from the center of the stage. As the Terminators clap their powerfists in an ever increasing rythm Tiberius is working himself into a frenzy. Too late he sees the "Emergency hatch opening" button on the wall. His ceramite shoulder pad slams into the button.

Tiberius: Cr*p.

A horrible sucking noise is heard as the 10 meter high shutters open into the cold vacuum of space. Terminators are sucked screaming into space, Tiberius is cursing wildy as he looses his grip and dissapears. Marneus is clinging onto a railing, holding on for his life. Finally the shutters auto close.

Marneus: Ummm. That was certainly unexpected.

He goes to a window.

Marneus: Don´t worry folks, they are A-okay! I think...

Outside marines are bobbing in space, flailing desperatly with their arms and legs. Suddenly a huge asteroid passes by the battle barge, sweeping everything with it. Then a big hand is placed over the camera lens, moving it away. Then we see Marneus face close up. He is smiling a big nervous smile.

Marneus: Let´s see how our Dark Angles are doing!

The camera cuts. When we join Marneus again, he´s standing outside the Fang. Faint smoke is seen rising from it. As he enters the main hall he is joined by the Dark Angels.

Marneus: Well, I´m simply dying to hear what you have done with this place.

Dark Angel 1: Well Marneus, as you can see we have been hard at work. We´ll start right here. As you might remember, the Wolfs made a roof painting in our dining hall commemorating a moment in Imperial history. We decided that such kindness should not go unanswerd. (He points to the roof) This is a less known moment in our glorious history, but important none the less.

Marneus (Gazing up at the roof): It´s Leman Russ getting raped by a Bloodthirster...

Dark Angel 1: Yes. Beautiful, isn´t it? Notice the detail, down to the expression of horror on Russ´s face.

Marneus: Riiight. Moving on.

They wander down the gigantic corridors, occasionly passing by a kicked in door or melta-blasted wall. They enter a cavern, filled with small fenced in areas.

Dark Angel 2: This is were they keep those big wolfs of theirs.

Marneus: Speaking of, were are they?

Dark Angel 3: Oh, some dude in green Power armour came by and took them all. He muttered something about cooking.

Marneus: I won´t press the issue.

They reach an ancient room, filled with generators and various technical artifacts. A large podium is at the end of the room.

Dark Angel 1: This is the room were we found that big hunk-o-junk. I think the sign said "Bjorn" something.

Marneus: Bjorn the Fellhanded, ancient dreadnought hero, champion of Leman Russ and defender of the Fang?

Dark Angel 1: That´s the chap. Quite ferocious actually. We threw him on the wastedump out back.

Marneus: He didn´t resist?

Dark Angel 2 (patting his meltagun): He was quite cooperative after a few blasts of this baby...

Marneus: I´m sorry, but this is all we have time for today. Tune in next week, when we´ll visit Kharn the Berzerker in his Palace of Flesh. I sense some serious redecorating coming up...

A roar is heard, and suddenly a dreadnought burst in through the wall. It´s Bjorn and he´s a bit upset by the looks if it. Deep melta scars decorate his armour.

Dark Angel 2: Back i say! Back!

He fires at Bjorn, who only gets madder. He throws his multi tonnes body at Marneus. As the camera fades out, we see Bjorn holding Marneus by the crotch with his gigantic powerfist. Marneus is screaming obscenites and is trying to rip Bjorns arm off.

END.

_______________________________________________

The intro plays. Several scenes flash by, Marneus hammering in nails, Marneus painting walls, Marneus running in terror from a mob of angry homeowners... The text "Home Improvement with Marneus Calgar" appears, the the camera cuts to the man in blue himself.

Marneus is standing outside a reddish building, his helmet removed and wearing his distinctive yellow hardhat, complete with bloodspatters...

Marneus: Hello, and welcome to a new episode of HIWMC! It´s been a while since the last episode, but we have been hard at work, solving an unfortunate legal dispute with the the Space Wolfes and the Dark Angels... Thanks to the b*stards in the head office and their love for that hack Xavier, we are now operating on half the regular budget. That means no pause entertainment, no audience and no Tau-sandwiches! D*MN YOU ALL!

He takes a moment to calm himself down.

Marneus: Well, today we are standing here on a unknown deamonworld, outside a house that is owned by none other than the ferocious Kharn the Betrayer!

He knocks on the door. The door is obviously made of flesh, with big veins running down the lenght of it. On a wooden beam placed in eye level is written "K.T. Betrayer". A small welcome-mat decorated with sunflowers is in front of the door. Nobody answers.

Marneus: OPEN UP YOU BIG BAG OF EMPEROR-FORGOTTEN SCUM!

Footsteps are heard from inside, and the door opens. Kharn the Betrayer, World-eater and traitor of men stands in the opening. He´s wearing red bloodstained power armour and a horned helmet. He is also wearing an apron, decorated with small stylized bloodthirsters, dancing happily with each other.

Kharn: Are you selling something?

Marneus: No, we´re....

Kharn: I don´t buy stuff from door-salesmen.

Marneus sniffs in the air.

Marneus: No, we are from Imperial Television and we are recording... Is that cookies i smell?!

Kharn (Looking rather ashamed): Yes, I was just baking some chocolate chip ones. Wait... are we on television right now?

Marneus: Yes.

Kharn rips of the apron, pounds his chest and begins to roar.

Kharn: BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD! SKULLS FOR THE...

He is cut short by Marneus rather large powerfist. Kharn drops like a bag of potatoes.

Marneus: Stuff him in the Rhino, and get him out of here. We´ve got some redecorating to do!

Marneus and his crew all go inside. They enter the hallway, and proceed into the living room.

Marneus:As we can see, Kharn has some... questionable taste in furnishing. But, oh my! Look at that chair!

He indicates a large recliner in the corner, made in black leather with real wood furnishing. He aproaches it and strokes the surface.

Marneus: And look, it´s even got built-in massage! Ahem, I mean, how heretical! Brother Bob, please take this instrument of heresy to my personal Thunderhawk, and have it delivered to quarters on Ultramar. I must personally oversee the... umm... destruction of such an heretical artifact.

Brother Bob hefts the recliner in his arms and exits. Marneus is giddy with joy.

Marneus: Bob! Be sure to take that heretical T.V table too... It would be perfect for my living room. Umm, i mean, we must burn and cleanse it!

Crewmember (offscreen): Hey Marneus, i spotted a blashpemous gold-plated bath-tub in here! Is it okay if I "liberate" it?

Marneus: Of course my brother! We must save Kharn from these foul objects. But enough with the looting, i mean soul-saving, for now! Let´s look at the kitchen.

Marneus enters the kitchen. It´s small and cosy, with a ancient oven in the corner. On top of it sits a tray of freshly baked cookies. Marneus helps himself to a dozen or so.

Marneus: Mmmgluff, I do this for mankind! Gluffgluffmmmmghlfff. Delicious! Now then, lets see what we have here. Clearly, Kharn is opting for a rustic, somewhat rural style of decorating in here. The flesh-walls are complemented nicely by the wood furnishings and woven rugs. However, today we are going for a more Hip-urban style...

He begins to tear out all the wood furnishings, replacing them with steel-slabs and cog-wheels. He nails a notice board to the wall above the table.

Marneus: A top-tip is to use one of these boards for your memory needs. On this board, Kharn can keep track of all his activities and ritual sacrifices. I use 12" steel nails as you can see. Using nails is a art not easily mastered. Fortunately i explain it all in my new book: "Shaft of steel, nailing made easy by M. Calgar." It´s available in all well-stocked book-stores. Do not however confuse it with the similarily named "Shaft of steel, pleasing the ladies, by C. Yarrick." That dirty man does not deserve your money!

In the background, the still hot oven has made Kharns curtains catch flame. The fire quickly leaps to the newly nailed up notice board and the roof. Marneus hard hat catches on fire. Screaming like a girl, he runs out of the house, wich is quickly turned into a fiery inferno. Marneus and the crew can do nothing but watch.

Crewmember: Boss, Kharn is beginning to wake up. What should we do?

Marneus: Umm, dump him on the street. (To the viewers) And that´s about all the time we had today! Hope you enjoyed it as much as usual! See you next time!

Marneus blasts off in his Thunderhawk, leaving the slowly recovering Kharn alone. As he opens his eyes and looks at the inferno consuming his home, tears fall on his heretical cheeks for the first time in many thousand years...

Kharn: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!

codemonkey wrote:

 Kid_Kyoto wrote:
So the Lord Militant enters his tent and finds someone took all the pudding! "Who took my pudding!" He demanded.
Tallarn Dessert Raiders

So the Lord Militant has an important meeting and he needs a well pressed uniform. Who should he designate to protect the essential equipment he needs so he can have a wrinkle-free uniform?
Mordian Iron Guard

So the Lord Militant goes to pay for dinner but finds his wallet is gone! Who could have taken it?
Armageddon Steal Legion

So the Lord Militant's law is overrun with weeds. Who can eliminate all this unwanted pant life?
Catachan Jungle Fighers

So the Lord Militant finds the market went down and his portfolio lost half its value. Who can advise him?
Cadian Stock Troopers

Thank you all very much, I'll be here all week!

The Lord Militant's army is starving! Who could possibly provide the vegetable nourishment his men need?
Elysian Crop Troops

Oooo, never thought of that one...

So the Lord Militant's army is starving, whose fault is it?
The Death Crops of Krieg

So the Lord Militant's army all have food poisoning, whose fault is it?
The Death Crops of Krieg

 Harriticus wrote:

That was hilarious.

 ShatteredBlade wrote:
So the Lord Militant's army all have food poisoning, whose fault is it?
The Death Crops of Krieg

Still can't think of anything for the Valhallan Ice Warriors...


Automatically Appended Next Post:
So the Lord Miliant's troops ships land in a muddy bog. Luckily there are some natives there to carry the troopers to dry land. Who will they bear before anyone else?
The Vostroyan First Borne


Automatically Appended Next Post:
So the Lord Militant arrives and finds all his troops are dead! What regiment could it be?
The Death Corpse of Krieg


Automatically Appended Next Post:
So the Lord Militant is hungry and calls for the finest breakfast food in the Imperial Guard. What does he get?
Guant's Toasts

So the Lord Militant is worried Khan's troops might catch cold. What does he tell them to wear?
White Scarves

So the Lord Militant loves tacky music. His favorite band?
Vanilla ice Warriors.

So the Lord Militant goes to a party with electronic music. Who would accompany him?
The Rave Guard.

So the Lord Militant is looking for someone to comfort him after he lost a battle. Who would help him?

The Valhallan Nice Warriors

So the Lord Militant was angry about all the people telling him fibs. Who did he call to get revenge?
The Liar Avengers

So the Lord Militant was trying to over run the Xenos but they kept building brick walls in his way. Who frustrated him so?
The Troweling Banshees

So the Lord Militant was trying to kill these dark-clothed Xenos but they kept jumping around. Who were they?
Dark Leapers

So the Lord Militant wanted to fight the Xenos but the Xenos were having a work stoppage for better pay. Who cancelled the battle?
Striking Scorpions

So the Lord Militant was angry because these Xenos kept flying around and around his bunker. Who annoyed him so?
The Looping Hawks

And I'm spent...

So the Lord Militant is taking a walk when he spies several thin Xenos in weird costumes. But before he can do anything, they disappear! Miscellaneous chatter can still be heard..... who are these Xenos?

The LARP Spiders

So the Lord Militant found everyone in the 1701th Nerdtopia Trekkies were all killed! Who cut them down?
Dork Reapers

So the Lord Militant was planning to ambush the enemy at some shadowy corners. What did he call them?
Dark Angles

So the Lord Militant designated several corners as free fire zones to cut down the enemy. What did he call them?
Blood Angles

So the Lord Militant rigged several corners to collapse and crush the enemy. What did he call them?
Fallen Angles

 Ryan_A wrote:
Post humor about 40k (jokes about codex, models, rules; funny things that happen in game [ever roll only 1s with 40 dice, I have lol, boltguns must have been made in china]; or post any other jokes about 40k).

Short story: I was recently talking to somebody at my local gameing store and he said something that I just could not believe (yet it is done ALL THE TIME), and has sparked my interest in starting a 40k humor thread (hope it isn't already made). Anyway, he was complaining about how some rule wasn't, "realistic." I hear this all the time, so I go, "Well, if 40k was realistic, my rhino could move across the board in a single turn like the M113 (the tank the rhino is modeled after), my bolters would have unlimited range, all missiles would fragment, my heavy bolters would fire 100 rounds a turn each, and we would play on a board as big as a futball field!"

I just think its funny when people try to think of 40k in terms of realism.

Well, hope you had a good chuckle, and post all the 40k jokes ya know!

I have funny 40k story. There was this one time when while talking about 40k, this guy on the internet thought real guns have unlimited range...

I had a good chuckle

 Kid_Kyoto wrote:
So the Lord Militant found everyone in the 1701th Nerdtopia Trekkies were all killed! Who cut them down?
Dork Reapers

Would that be the regiment that supplies to the 133t Company of Nerdtopia elites?

 Decio wrote:

 Kid_Kyoto wrote:
So the Lord Militant found everyone in the 1701th Nerdtopia Trekkies were all killed! Who cut them down?
Dork Reapers

Would that be the regiment that supplies to the 133t Company of Nerdtopia elites?

Well... they used to.

So the Lord Militant borrowed sections of the Galaxy at extraordinarily high interest rates. Who lent them to him?
The Space Sharks

So the Lord Militant was attacked by an army of corners after rigging some previous ones to collapse. Who turned against him?
The Angles of Vengeance

So the Lord Militant watched an army of corners suddenly stop attacking him, and instead wipe out a Hive Fleet bound for Terra. What was this army later known as?
The Angles of Redemption

So the Lord Militant heard that an army of corners had been declared free of all sin. By what name were they now known?
The Angles of Absolution

So the Lord Militant met with three chapter consisting of corners painted in various shades of red. Who were they?
The Angles Encarmine, the Angles Sanguine and the Angles Vermillion

So the Lord Militant heard about a chapter who organised a music concert to raise money for poorer planets. Who were they?
The Live8ors.

So the Lord Militant returns to his bunker only to find all his records scattered on the floor! Alphabetized folders are now out of order! Coallated documents are de-coallated! Who could have done such a thing?
A De-Filer

So the Lord Militant was out duck hunting when a male duck pecked him on the arm! Who was this evil duck?
A Heldrake

So the Lord Militant returns to his bunker and finds someone ripped the covers off all his books! Who would do that?
The Word Barers

So the Lord Militant returns to his bunker and finds someone took a bite out of his shortwave radio! And just before his favorite BBC programme! Who did it?
The World Eaters

So the Lord Militant wants to work on his tan but doesn't have much time. Which prisoners will he bring in?
The Thousand Suns

So the Lord Militant can't sleep cause these kids are all rocking out and making noise with their hippity hop music. He wants to tell them to turn it down but he can't cause of who their dad is. Who are these noisy kids?
The Emperor's Children

So the Lord Militant bites into a rich golden ear of maize only to cut his lip! Someone put a needle in it! Who would do something like that?
Bloodletters of Corn