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I was going to go on a date with this woman who i have been getting to know when i got this email which i have cut and pasted below. The gist of it was that she didnt want to date another gamer. When do you tell a woman that you are a gamer and under what conditions. do you feel that her reaction is justified. Please discuss.
she wrote...
"Okay, so you know that whole stupid "it's not you, it's me" cliche? Yea, I have to go there. Here's the thing... My ex was a serious gamer . . . to the point of addiction and family neglect. I know that world all too well (not Warhammer, per se, though I am familiar with it, but the gaming world in general). You seem like a genuinely awesome guy, but I can't go there again. Maybe in time (like, years), but the thought of that fantasy type world actually gives me a visceral, nauseous feeling because of my baggage (another stupid cliched term). I'd have to pretend like it didn't bother me when in fact it would and then any friendship we started would be based on a lie. For me, it's akin to dating a serious drinker after being married to an abusive alcoholic.
To that end, I'm going to bow out now. I wish you the best of luck! "

To be fair to her i believe that her actions were entirely honorable with respect to the way that she handled the situation.

She seems to be assuming that you'll make the mistakes this obsessed ex. Being an email it is also a rather impersonal way to brush you off. She may have wanted to end it and grabbed what seemed like the first excuse.

Best thing to do would be to just talk about it with them.

true. She was also the one that was really pursuing the relationship so i doubt that she was just making up an excuse though that is totally possible.

Lame that she did it via email, but that sort of breakup is all too common now adays.

It is good that she did it sooner than later though. Imagine if she sat on it for a couple years until you were living together, then brought it up that it has bothered her this entire time, making herself sick with it all.

If it makes her sick it makes her sick, so you probly don't want to be with her. If she's lying and its something else you probly don't want to be with her. If she can't talk to you about the way she feels, or even ask you about your priorities in life, and can only think 'his hobby = i won't like him later', then you probly don't want to be with her. If she is comparing grognards to abusive alcoholics, you probly don't want to be with her. If you really are 'a genuinely awesome guy', you should forget about her and find someone less shallow, because a genuinely awesome guy can be a gamer and a good mate at the same time, and should be able to find someone who will let you be you. Sorry if any of thats harsh, offensive, or way off base, just my opinion based on very little info.

Shes openly admitted she has baggage attached, has explicitly stated how it makes her feel and has been honest and open with you that the relationship would start out on a false lie.

Close it off, move on. Plenty more fish in the sea yadda yadda.
In terms of "telling a woman you're a gamer". Its not a stigma you know
Sure some people take it to extremes but that can happen in literally any facet of life. As long as you arent the guy spending 12 hours a day on Warcraft and give your partner the attention and love she deserves who cares if you like gaming?

When should someone you are courting know you are a gamer? ...About the same time someone should find out what your major interests are.

This will probably coincide with "Whenever they show up at your place, or they ask you." Sooner is better, in my opinion. If someone has a serious deal-breaking issue with any of my major interests (Guns, video games, 40k, bad sci-fi...things which are NOT going away, and would make my life more frustrating to try eliminating than what the other person is likely to bring to the table, frankly.) and have the options of finding this out on Date #2-6 instead of MONTH #2-6, i'll take the former. Then I can either immediately go "Well, OK....why exactly is this a problem? <DISCUSSION ENSUES>" or stop wasting my time here and go chase someone else.

This email sounds like it's a dealbreaker, and no amount of talking is going to change her mind. Oh well. At least she stated that up front.

Uhg, youve been on DAKKA long enough to know you shouldnt post that crap and ask for advice........

It's been somewhat more rational than normal so far.

Give it a little and it'll eventually get to being his fault for being a gamer.

She's got a serious hang up, forget it and move on. Trying to educate her how every gamer is not an obsessive freak is not going to be a great start to a relationship and if she's genuine about this then she'll always be giving you funny looks when you start to talk about it, much less want to go play a game one Saturday.

sennacherib wrote:I was going to go on a date with this woman who i have been getting to know when i got this email which i have cut and pasted below. The gist of it was that she didnt want to date another gamer. When do you tell a woman that you are a gamer and under what conditions. do you feel that her reaction is justified. Please discuss.

Well, when DID you tell her? Here's a philosophy I've been working on lately: If you treat it like it's a disease, they'll view it as a disease. Don't bring it up, but don't hide it either. If they ask what you hobbies are, you give them a list of hobbies you enjoy, with gaming interspersed casually in the middle. That way, you're not hiding anything from them, but at the same time, you're not giving them the perception that you sit in a darkened room in front of the glow of a monitor from Friday night to Monday morning. "Yeah, I really like to read, I'm pretty big on music (LOVE seeing live orchestras), occasionally, like to go to the bars with a couple friends, video games, camping, you know, guy stuff."

Personally, in your situation though, it sounds like this one was encumbered with too much baggage to be worth it. Move on, and find a better one.

Take some wisdom from gaming:

If you roll a lot of dice you are sure to get a six.

On one point she is right, the sooner things end the less hurt there is. The fact she has done this by e-mail would indicate a lack of personal skills on her part.

I don't necessarily tell anyone about my gaming unless it comes up in conversation and then I tend to call it painting for the uninitiated. I grew very tired of explaining wargaming and roleplaying a long time ago.

She probably thinks you have a small penis and needed an easy out.

Next time, stuff your pants with a sock. Maybe two.

kronk wrote:She probably thinks you have a small penis and needed an easy out.

Next time, stuff your pants with a sock. Maybe two.

Also, this.

daedalus wrote:

kronk wrote:She probably thinks you have a small penis and needed an easy out.

Next time, stuff your pants with a sock. Maybe two.

Also, this.

I find it very refreshing that people can be so honest about their personal experiences on Dakka and use it to give advice.

Work smarter, not harder!

I'm not sure who the victim is here: the OP for losing out on the chance to date an emotional wreck with tons of baggage; or the OP's lady friend for losing out on the chance to date a wargamer.

I'm going to need more information before properly blaming the victim.

Hey, what's a relationship?


Should I take that question to take to You Make Da Call.

Orlanth wrote:Hey, what's a relationship?


Should I take that question to take to You Make Da Call.

A relationship in the terms provided is when two adults find each others company to be conducive to thier continued happiness. This can, but does not have to, involve sexual congress.

Can you filibuster sexual congress?

I have come accross a few asexual partnerships in my time.

They were all very happy couples. I suppose they both had low drives.

sennacherib wrote:To be fair to her i believe that her actions were entirely honorable with respect to the way that she handled the situation.

That's all you can ask for, I'm afraid.

She has baggage from her previous relationship, plain and simple. It sucks that you got the short end of the stick because the other guy ruined the term "gamer" for her, but that's how it goes.

You want, and deserve, to be with someone that will accept you 100%, even if they don't participate in your hobby (or you in their hobbies).

Sorry for the heart-break. Keep casting out that line, man.

sennacherib wrote:When do you tell a woman that you are a gamer and under what conditions.

By accident, preferably after marriage.
Even now I keep my models in a room away from the others with a closed door, so as not to embarrass my wife and her liberal friends with my guns, and toys holding guns.

Sleep with her sister, it's the only way to be sure.

Dress in a suit, have a shave, go round her house with flowers and tell her you sold all your minis, burned all your old clothes and gave up the culture because she is so important to you. Keep this up until you seal the deal, be sure to drop your suit jacket and trousers at the foot of the bed and ensure the last sexual position of the evening is doggy.

Enabling you to quickly whip your accessories from your discarded clothing while still behind her.

And lo, when she glances behind her, you have placed half a tactical squad and some slugga boyz on her back, and your rolling to wound across her shoulder blades. She recoils and turns fully around to see you sporting an adhesive ginger neck beard, several piercings and a Pantera shirt.

Bask in the win.. then get another bird!

mattyrm wrote:Dress in a suit, have a shave, go round her house with flowers and tell her you sold all your minis, burned all your old clothes and gave up the culture because she is so important to you. Keep this up until you seal the deal, be sure to drop your suit jacket and trousers at the foot of the bed and ensure the last sexual position of the evening is doggy.

Enabling you to quickly whip your accessories from your discarded clothing while still behind her.

And lo, when she glances behind her, you have placed half a tactical squad and some slugga boyz on her back, and your rolling to wound across her shoulder blades. She recoils and turns fully around to see you sporting an adhesive neck beard and a greebo tshirt.

Relationships sound like real fun! Fnar.

mattyrm wrote:Dress in a suit, have a shave, go round her house with flowers and tell her you sold all your minis, burned all your old clothes and gave up the culture because she is so important to you. Keep this up until you seal the deal, be sure to drop your suit jacket and trousers at the foot of the bed and ensure the last sexual position of the evening is doggy.

Enabling you to quickly whip your accessories from your discarded clothing while still behind her.

And lo, when she glances behind her, you have placed half a tactical squad and some slugga boyz on her back, and your rolling to wound across her shoulder blades. She recoils and turns fully around to see you sporting an adhesive ginger neck beard, several piercings and a Pantera shirt.

Bask in the win.. then get another bird!

Oh Matty! I love you in a way only a heterosexual man can love another heterosexual man.

Matty, you made my morning! Rofl.

I ran into this problem recently and I have found that a ladys term for gamer resolves around MTG and Video games. Sadly my last attempt to invite a lass to a weekly game of beerhammer went up in flames.

I think mattyrm has the best idea on how to do this though.

I'm going to patent the adhesive ginger neckbeard.. there's clearly a gap in the market!