Weekly Rage Inducing News: Classics of Literature Edition

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**Ahtman**

Source

Following the style of the summer's erotic hit, Clandestine Classics is offering sexed-up versions of perennials ranging from "Jane Eyre" to "20,000 Leagues Under the Sea."

It is the mash-up so obvious it is hard to believe no one thought of it already: Sexing up the classics Fifty Shades of Grey-style.

Clandestine Classics is making all the implied sex in such classics as Jane Eyre, Pride & Prejudice and, yes, Sherlock Holmes explicit.

The publisher touts: "The old-fashioned pleasantries and timidity have all been stripped away, quite literally. You didn’t really think that these much-loved characters only held hands and pecked cheeks, did you? Come with us as we embark on a breathtaking experience -- behind the closed bedroom doors of our favorite, most-beloved British characters. Learn what Sherlock really thought of Watson, what Mr. Darcy really wanted to do to Miss Elizabeth Bennet, and unveil the sexy escapades of Mr. Rochester and Jane Eyre. We’ll show you the scenes that you always wanted to see but were never allowed."

The company is releasing reworked versions of five classic novels as ebooks on July 30: Pride & Prejudice, Jane Eyre, Sherlock Holmes: A Study in Scarlet, Northanger Abbey and 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea (who knew that needed to be sexed up?).

Claire Siemaszkiewicz, founder of Total-E-Bound Publishing, the parent of imprint Clandestine, told The Independent, "We're keeping the original prose and the author's voice. … But we want to enhance the novels by adding the 'missing' scenes for readers to enjoy."

Here is a scene from Pride & Prejudice that takes the main romance a step further: "Fire blazed in his eyes as he looked down at her and she felt overwhelmed by the possession she saw in their depths -- astounded, but perfectly at ease as though she were right where she needed to be. Her heart pounded as she breathed in the scents around her. The fresh, earthy smell of the forest, the pine trees, the grass beneath their bodies combined with the delicious scent of Darcy. Hot, spicy and all man."

These are sexy novels aimed at straight and gay readers. The new spin on Sherlock Holmes casts the detective and his sidekick John Watson as gay lovers.

Here Watson stumbles on two male lovers in a tryst. "Confusion claimed me for a moment, and my mouth dropped open as I took it all in. The joy of knowing other men were the same as I was quickly eclipsed by the fear that if they were caught it would be the end for them. I was stuck between wanting to step forward and warn them they ought to be more careful and remaining where I was to silently watch."

"People are going to either love it or hate it," said Siemaszkiewicz. "But we're 100 percent convinced that there's a market there."

See the covers of Jane Eyre, Sherlock Holmes: A Study in Scarlet and Pride & Prejudice below.

**Amaya**

At first I didn't care, but then I saw Sherlock Holmes being dragged through this filth.

Unacceptable.

**generalgrog**

So they made Sherlock Holmes gay? next thing you know..your gonna tell me Gandalf is gay....oh....wait....nm

Wow

GG

**daedalus**

I... wha... what is this I don't even.

What about his obsession with Irine Adler? I mean, seriously, having read through the books, I never really got it anywhere that Sherlock could have even had any sexual bend what-so-ever. It wasn't really until the movies that a relationship with Irine was created or the hints of homosexuality were conceived of.

This is what happens when you give slash fiction writers a printing press, I suppose.

**LoneLictor**

daedalus wrote:I... wha... what is this I don't even.

What about his obsession with Irine Adler? I mean, seriously, having read through the books, I never really got it anywhere that Sherlock could have even had any sexual bend what-so-ever. It wasn't really until the movies that a relationship with Irine was created or the hints of homosexuality were conceived of.

This is what happens when you give slash fiction writers a printing press, I suppose.

Someday, I hope to get my 40k slash fiction published. I've sent it to Black Library a couple dozen times, but they haven't responded.

The Rubric Marine, his blue and gold armor glinting in the pale moonlight, caressed the Plague Marine's pestilent form. He leaned in closer and the two Astartes shared a tender kiss through their age old respirators. What about his loyalties to his legion? What about his loyalties to Tzeentch? He should have been on the battlefield with his Brothers. This felt so wrong.

Yet, as the Plague Marine removed his crotch plate, it felt so right.

EDIT: If you liked this excerpt, READ MY WRITING! Blatant self promotions are fun.

**daedalus**

Don't joke about that. Goto might be listening.

**LoneLictor**

daedalus wrote:Don't joke about that. Goto might be listening.

YOU THINK MY LIFE'S WORK IS A JOKE?

I'VE SPENT TEN LOOOOOONG, LOOOOONG YEARS WRITING MY ROMANTIC EPIC BETWEEN THE UNNAMED PLAGUE AND RUBRIC MARINES! IT'S 78,000 WORDS! 523 PAGES!

AND YOU CALLED IT A JOKE?

**Frazzled**

LoneLictor wrote:
daedalus wrote:I... wha... what is this I don't even.

What about his obsession with Irine Adler? I mean, seriously, having read through the books, I never really got it anywhere that Sherlock could have even had any sexual bend what-so-ever. It wasn't really until the movies that a relationship with Irine was created or the hints of homosexuality were conceived of.

This is what happens when you give slash fiction writers a printing press, I suppose.

Someday, I hope to get my 40k slash fiction published. I've sent it to Black Library a couple dozen times, but they haven't responded.

The Rubric Marine, his blue and gold armor glinting in the pale moonlight, caressed the Plague Marine's pestilent form. He leaned in closer and the two Astartes shared a tender kiss through their age old respirators. What about his loyalties to his legion? What about his loyalties to Tzeentch? He should have been on the battlefield with his Brothers. This felt so wrong.

Yet, as the Plague Marine removed his crotch plate, it felt so right.

EDIT: If you liked this excerpt, READ MY WRITING! Blatant self promotions are fun.

WHAT HAS BEEN READ CANNOT BE UNREAD!!!

**Amaya**

Who would have tentacles, Plague Marines or MoT Chaos Marines?

**LoneLictor**

Amaya wrote:Who would have tentacles, Plague Marines or MoT Chaos Marines?

The Plague Marine suffers tentacle based mutations in warp travel in the story's 2nd act. He's very insecure about it, but the Rubric Marine shows him the fun they can have with them.

**youbedead**

generalgrog wrote:So they made Sherlock Holmes gay? next thing you know..your gonna tell me Gandalf is gay....oh....wait....nm

Wow

GG

daedalus wrote:I... wha... what is this I don't even.

What about his obsession with Irine Adler? I mean, seriously, having read through the books, I never really got it anywhere that Sherlock could have even had any sexual bend what-so-ever. It wasn't really until the movies that a relationship with Irine was created or the hints of homosexuality were conceived of.

This is what happens when you give slash fiction writers a printing press, I suppose.

There was a lot of speculation that Holmes was gay for Watson long before the movies. Though I agree that Holmes seem more asexual then anything

**Jihadnik**

I've gotta agree with youbedead, when I was at Uni and we had a series of tutorials on Sherlock Holmes and similiar literature of the time, this view was not uncommon. I didn't really see it at the time...but then I didn't see the homoeroticism of Top Gun at the time either....Damn Post Modernism!

**hotsauceman1**

Well this might atcually get me to read pride a prejudice.

**Frazzled**

I'll wait for the video.

**Mannahnin**

Pride and Prejudice and Zombies?

Pride and Prejudice and Boners.

Nineteenth century British gentlefolk used the term "boner", right?

**BaronIveagh**

Holmes had lots of implications, including his obsession with Ms Adler. It should be pointed out that Watson, however, was so straight he married two different women.

No, the only thing that is implied that Holmes should be doing is that Seven Percent Solution he was so fond of...

**Platuan4th**

youbedead wrote:

There was a lot of speculation that Holmes was gay for Watson long before the movies. Though I agree that Holmes seem more asexual then anything

Yeah, I never got the "Sherlock was gay" theory, since this is Watson's view on the subject of Holmes and sexuality:

"All emotions, and that one particularly, were abhorrent to his cold, precise but admirably balanced mind. He was, I take it, the most perfect reasoning and observing machine that the world has seen, but as a lover he would have placed himself in a false position. He never spoke of the softer passions, save with a gibe and a sneer. "

**BaronIveagh**

Platuan4th wrote:
youbedead wrote:

There was a lot of speculation that Holmes was gay for Watson long before the movies. Though I agree that Holmes seem more asexual then anything

Yeah, I never got the "Sherlock was gay" theory, since this is Watson's view on the subject of Holmes and sexuality:

"All emotions, and that one particularly, were abhorrent to his cold, precise but admirably balanced mind. He was, I take it, the most perfect reasoning and observing machine that the world has seen, but as a lover he would have placed himself in a false position. He never spoke of the softer passions, save with a gibe and a sneer. "

Remember too that Holmes seemed to view women as his inferiors, intellectually. Which could be his reason for his obsession with Ms Adler. She did, after all, best him.

**Kovnik Obama**

I don't understand.

"The old-fashioned pleasantries and timidity have all been stripped away, quite literally. You didn’t really think that these much-loved characters only held hands and pecked cheeks, did you? ''

YES. THAT WAS THE POINT OF SUCH LITTERATURE. fuuuuuuuuuuu

**Jihadin**

I should never have clicked and read this thread......

**Bromsy**

I really love reading books, and theoretically I would love discussing them. That theory breaks down when it meets actual people though. I consider myself fairly shallow when it comes to literature - I'm all about the Sci Fi/Fantasy escapism and such. But I had the following conversation waaaaay too many times for my liking (which is when I started plugging my ears and walking away when people bring up the latest bestseller)

Random : Dude, have you read the Da Vinci Code yet? It's the best book! It's so crazy how this stuff could actu..

Me: Wait. Stop right there. How many books do you read in a given year?

Random : I've read a couple since high school. I like 'em better when they don't tell us what to read. So, back to the Da Vinci code...

Me: Does this sound like me walking away? (I walk away)

Random : Yeah, it really does.

All that aside, as asinine as I personally find a revolution in literature based on at best average quality Twilight slash fiction I did read and enjoy Pride and Prejudice and Zombies.

**Mr Nobody**

You just can't find original ideas for porn literature these days.

**Kovnik Obama**

Jihadnik wrote: the homoeroticism of Top Gun at the time either....Damn Post Modernism!

Wait wut. The guy gets the girl. How much more Hetero can it be? The only homo-esque factor in that movie was Tom Cruise, and well, what do you want...

Also, can we get beyond 50 shades of gak? I know most people don't read more than a book a year, so they stretch the topic as much as possible, but for frak's sakes, there's plenty of other erotica... not that I could name them...

**Bromsy**

Kovnik Obama wrote:
Jihadnik wrote: the homoeroticism of Top Gun at the time either....Damn Post Modernism!

Wait wut. The guy gets the girl. How much more Hetero can it be? The only homo-esque factor in that movie was Tom Cruise, and well, what do you want...

Because Top Gun had nothing to do with flying planes, it was all a metaphor for Maverick struggling with his own sexuality.

**deathholydeath**

Didn't Conan Doyle's heirs already threaten to remove the license from the American movies because the first one had too much of a gay overtone between Sherlock and Watson?

**Kovnik Obama**

Bromsy wrote:
Kovnik Obama wrote:
Jihadnik wrote: the homoeroticism of Top Gun at the time either....Damn Post Modernism!

Wait wut. The guy gets the girl. How much more Hetero can it be? The only homo-esque factor in that movie was Tom Cruise, and well, what do you want...

Because Top Gun had nothing to do with flying planes, it was all a metaphor for Maverick struggling with his own sexuality.

No way. Not in ten thousands years of sufferance and hellish nightmares. Not ever will I accept this as a proper interpretation of Top Gun. I mean, this is just too much... I can't live in a world like this anymore...

**LoneLictor**

Kovnik Obama wrote:
Bromsy wrote:
Kovnik Obama wrote:
Jihadnik wrote: the homoeroticism of Top Gun at the time either....Damn Post Modernism!

Wait wut. The guy gets the girl. How much more Hetero can it be? The only homo-esque factor in that movie was Tom Cruise, and well, what do you want...

Because Top Gun had nothing to do with flying planes, it was all a metaphor for Maverick struggling with his own sexuality.

No way. Not in ten thousands years of sufferance and hellish nightmares. Not ever will I accept this as a proper interpretation of Top Gun. I mean, this is just too much... I can't live in a world like this anymore...

'

Those planes were quite long and hard.

What do you think they were a metaphor for?

**purplefood**

LoneLictor wrote:
Kovnik Obama wrote:
Bromsy wrote:
Kovnik Obama wrote:
Jihadnik wrote: the homoeroticism of Top Gun at the time either....Damn Post Modernism!

Wait wut. The guy gets the girl. How much more Hetero can it be? The only homo-esque factor in that movie was Tom Cruise, and well, what do you want...

Because Top Gun had nothing to do with flying planes, it was all a metaphor for Maverick struggling with his own sexuality.

No way. Not in ten thousands years of sufferance and hellish nightmares. Not ever will I accept this as a proper interpretation of Top Gun. I mean, this is just too much... I can't live in a world like this anymore...
'

Those planes were quite long and hard.

What do you think they were a metaphor for?

Sticks?

**Kovnik Obama**

deathholydeath wrote:Didn't Conan Doyle's heirs already threaten to remove the license from the American movies because the first one had too much of a gay overtone between Sherlock and Watson?

Again, wut? They were just best bros. Please tell me they were just best bros. I mean, I have no gaydar, I'll admit to that, but it seemed to me that they were just best bros and that Sherlock was worried of not being able of playing playstation every saturday morning with his best buddy, smoking a big fattie, now that a girl had come into the picture... ?

**deathholydeath**

Kovnik Obama wrote:smoking a big fattie...

Heh he he.