Wedding Gift Sparks Epic Text Battle

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**Dreadclaw69**

Something more whimsical for the Off-Topic section

http://shine.yahoo.com/love-sex/wedding-gift-basket-sparks-epic-text-war--the-battle-over-cheap-presents--183304420.html

This is the story of how a jar of marshmallow fluff ruined a friendship, clouded a joyful wedding day, and sparked debate across the Internet.
It all began on Wednesday, when the Hamilton Spectator published a letter from a disgruntled wedding guest, detailing his text battle over a gift he had sent a newly married co-worker.

Kathy Mason and her boyfriend (who chose to remain anonymous) attended the wedding of two Canadian women, and things went afoul from there. Mason's boyfriend, who sent his story, along with a hostile text exchange with the brides, to the Spectator wrote the following: "As a gift, my Girlfriend and I gave them a wicker box with a hinged lid, filled with food items, most of them PC Black Label, including: tri-color pasta, salsas, Balsamic vinegar and Olive oil, Gourmet croutons, Panko Breading, Pesto, some baking ingredients, Biscuits from Godiva and a few 'Fun' items like Marshmallow Fluff, Sour Patch Kids and Butterscotch sauce…On the card we wrote 'Life is delicious....Enjoy.'"
The following day, he received, via text, what might be the least genuine thank-you note in history.

One of the two brides wrote: "Heyyy I just wanna say thanks for the gift but unfortunately I can't eat any of it lol I'm gluten intolerant. Do you maybe have a receipt[?]"
That was the first message, from one of the brides. The second, from the other bride, firmed up any question as to whether they felt the basket of candy and other goods made a suitable wedding gift.
"I'm not sure if it's the first wedding you have been to, but for your next wedding, people give envelopes," the bride/co-worker texted to the gift-givers. "I lost out on $200 covering you and your dates plate, and got fluffy whip and sour patch kids in return. Just a heads up for the future "

And that was the last smiley face exchanged between the two parties. What follows is a text exchange that sums up the growing divide between wedding thrower and wedding guest. The gift givers claim, "To ask for a receipt is unfathomable, disrespectful, inconsiderate, immature, greedy," among other things. "Not only is it wrong to have an expectation of any sort of gift, it is the ultimate insult to your family and friends to mention a gift of monetary value at all."
The brides stand by their position, even allowing the Spectator to photograph the gift with the "fluffy whip" they call out via text, placed front and center. In her response, one of the brides claims the basket cost $30— a paltry amount, in her opinion, for two people, considering the $97-per-plate fee they spent on each guest for the reception. "Weddings are to make money for your future. Not to pay for peoples meals. Do more research. People haven't [given] gifts since like 50 years ago!"(Oh, but there's more. Read the entire text correspondence here.)
After the Spectator published the initial exchange on Wednesday, the debate over proper wedding gift etiquette bubbled over into the comments section, before blowing up across the Internet.
There are defenders of the gift giver: "I got married last year in Europe and totally disagree with these 2 brides. Gifts are completely voluntary and we were happy with a simple picture frame that we received from one of our guests."
There are defenders of the brides: "If I know the couple is spending $100/plate, I make sure to give $250 or more not only to cover my and fiancees dinner but to give the newlyweds a gift as well. I am getting married in September and would be furious if this happened to me."
And then there are the people who are simply sick of reading between the lines of wedding etiquette: "If the brides/grooms expect a cash gift to cover the cost of the meal, put it on the invites and let people decide if they can afford to attend the event and/or send a gift," writes a frustrated guest of one too many weddings on the Spectator's website.
When the newspaper's managing editor, Howard Elliott, first received the letter on Monday, he knew it would spark debate, but not this much debate. "It's been a hell of a week," he told Yahoo! Shine.
Since the initial story was posted, traffic to the Ontario newspaper's site has gone up about 40 percent. It's also been picked up by national news outlets across the country. Obviously, this is a topic that people feel strongly about.
Consider the recent spate of viral exchanges between brides and their guests—from the bride-to-be who sent excruciatingly strict guidelines to her bridesmaids to the email battle between mother-in-law and bride over a wedding venue.
Just as weddings have grown more personalized and less traditional, so have cultural expectations. Couples are marrying later in life and footing the bill, same-sex couples are redefining the legal landscape, proposals are taking place on social media and with the help of flash mobs, and bridal parties are dancing down the aisle and posing in front of dinosaurs. The old-school handbook for weddings, and keeping the peace in the process, just doesn't apply the way it once did.
"In my experience, I've noticed that the expectation of having a traditional wedding is fading," Britt Hilgers, the Los Angeles-based blogger behind the indie wedding site Bowie Bride, told Yahoo! Shine. "Couples that opt for a less traditional wedding don't expect anything from their guests other than showing up with pants on." As for the matter of fundraising through wedding gifts, Hilgers said that she thinks it's "unreasonable." "If a bride or groom expected an envelope full of cash as a wedding gift from me, I'd give them an envelope full of dog s-- and a card that says, 'Have a nice life,'" she said.
"I think there's a bit of an age divide," suggested Elliott. "Older people have a different understanding of wedding etiquette … and how the landscape has changed. I think there may be a cultural factor at play. There are some cultures where cash exchange is a long-standing practice, but not everyone knows this."
So how do you avoid losing friends over a wedding gift if you're unsure of expectations? According to the wedding website hub, TheKnot.com, the standard thinking is that guests should spend $75 to $100 on a co-worker's wedding present. (That number goes up to $125 for close friends and relatives.) Factoring in the cost of shower and engagement gifts, travel and hotel fees, attending a wedding can require some serious financial planning. A recent survey of 1,500 adults claims the average guest (who isn't a member of the bridal party) spends $539 to attend a wedding— up $200 from 2012.
When wedding invitations lead to a pile of bills, it's not good for anyone. One of the brides behind the gift-basket firestorm asked the Spectator to shut down the comments after witnessing the vitriol from readers over her views on gift giving. (The Spectator instead chose to closely monitor comments.) "She felt very strongly about her viewpoint and wanted to be involved in the story at first," Elliott told Shine. "I don't think she anticipated the volume of responses from readers."

That brings us to another question of wedding etiquette: Is it acceptable to share a private wedding spat with the public in the age of viral media? That's debatable too. If only that jar of delicious marshmallow fluff could talk.

So are weddings now like a business "to make money for your future. Not to pay for peoples meals"?

**NuggzTheNinja**

Edited by AgeOfEgos--let's tone it down a bit please

**Kovnik Obama**

If there is one stereotype I've been able to validate in my time on this Earth, it's that lesbians and drama go inevitably hand in hand.

On the actual topic ; I've always had the impression that it was either enveloppes, or the bride and groom would have a list from which you can reserve and buy an actual gift.

30$ really seems very cheap indeed.

**Avatar 720**

I think intolerance to the food is a valid reason to ask for the receipt, if only to exchange it for something they can eat. The other person, however... wow, talk about being ungrateful. If you wanted reimbursement for the wedding investment then you should've just said so, or perhaps, you know, cut down on the costs of it all a little.

I know now that if I'm invited to a wedding, I should ask how much it is going to cost for me to be there, so I can decide whether or not I can afford to attend. Gotta think about others!

**Super Ready**

One of the brides behind the gift-basket firestorm asked the Spectator to shut down the comments after witnessing the vitriol from readers over her views on gift giving.

GOOD. I'm glad she became aware of just how low the populace will now think of them. Marshmallow fluff is too good for the ungrateful cow.

**Ma55ter_fett**

Super Ready wrote:
One of the brides behind the gift-basket firestorm asked the Spectator to shut down the comments after witnessing the vitriol from readers over her views on gift giving.

GOOD. I'm glad she became aware of just how low the populace will now think of them. Marshmallow fluff is too good for the ungrateful cow.

I don't know about marshmellow fluff... but nutella on the other hand...

I would kiss my most vile aunt on the mouth if she gifted me a jar of nutella at my wedding.

Nutella is the bomb!

Bride wrote: "Weddings are to make money for your future. Not to pay for peoples meals.

What?

I thought it was about the joyfull union of two hearts in holy matrimony.

**Peregrine**

article wrote:"Couples that opt for a less traditional wedding don't expect anything from their guests other than showing up with pants on."

What kind of boring people would have a wedding where anyone wears pants?

Also, this:

"If a bride or groom expected an envelope full of cash as a wedding gift from me, I'd give them an envelope full of dog s-- and a card that says, 'Have a nice life,'" she said.

**Dreadclaw69**

Ma55ter_fett wrote:
Bride wrote: "Weddings are to make money for your future. Not to pay for peoples meals.

What?

I thought it was about the joyfull union of two hearts in holy matrimony.

Clearly weddings are now to be run like a business, complete with break-even analysis and projected profit margin

**Ma55ter_fett**

Dreadclaw69 wrote:
Ma55ter_fett wrote:
Bride wrote: "Weddings are to make money for your future. Not to pay for peoples meals.

What?

I thought it was about the joyfull union of two hearts in holy matrimony.

Clearly weddings are now to be run like a business, complete with break-even analysis and projected profit margin

Hmmmm.....I wonder if Tom Kirby does wedding plans?

**EagleArk**

I could see the first bride asking if she could have a re-do of the gift, so she could actually you know, eat it, but regardless, a gift is a gift, its not a cheque or a way to make money. Some of my most prized possessions are gifts that are entirely worthless.

**Grundz**

who the fark spends $500 to attend a wedding
moreover, thats the AVERAGE? so 50% of people spend more than this?

**SlaveToDorkness**

See...this is why we don't need gay marriage.

::ducks::

**Relapse**

I hate going to those things bad enough that I feel like I ought to be the one getting the gift whenever I get sucked into attending.

**Nevelon**

I might be a little out of the loop, I got married in 2000 (easy to remember how many years) but I didn't expect/require any gifts from people we invited. Yes, it's nice to get stuff, and we did get a nice chunk of change from people who gave cash/checks rather then stuff off our registry (or other random gifts). But if The Wife and I invited someone, it was because we wanted to share our special day with them, not because we were after the phat loots.

As for the cost of attending a wedding, once you factor in things like travel and hotels, $500 goes fast. And that's not counting gifts, or people who need to buy a new dress/suit to attend, or buy/rent a tux. Also, a few outliers can skew the scale. All it takes is someone jetting into NYC for a black-tie affair spending thousands to bump the average up from those low-key community center potlucks.

**Dreadclaw69**

Nevelon wrote:
I might be a little out of the loop, I got married in 2000 (easy to remember how many years) but I didn't expect/require any gifts from people we invited. Yes, it's nice to get stuff, and we did get a nice chunk of change from people who gave cash/checks rather then stuff off our registry (or other random gifts). But if The Wife and I invited someone, it was because we wanted to share our special day with them, not because we were after the phat loots.

My wife and I got married last year and we had the same outlook as you. We had a very modest registry, mainly in Target, because she had the house for years and had everything that we needed. We didn't expect anything at all from anyone, but those that did send us something we made sure to thank and show our appreciation. Especially because my family met my wife in person in March and I left for the US in early July, so we were not expecting gifts for both.

Nevelon wrote:
As for the cost of attending a wedding, once you factor in things like travel and hotels, $500 goes fast. And that's not counting gifts, or people who need to buy a new dress/suit to attend, or buy/rent a tux. Also, a few outliers can skew the scale. All it takes is someone jetting into NYC for a black-tie affair spending thousands to bump the average up from those low-key community center potlucks.

We're having the church wedding this year, so my lot have to fly over from Ireland which is obviously bumping up their cost of attending the wedding. But the wedding itself and the tailgate themed reception are both low key events so we can have a good time rather than pomp and ceremony.

**Relapse**

Reading stuff like this makes me realize that my $350 Vegas Chapel wedding all those years ago was one of my smarter life decisions.

**hotsauceman1**

Nevelon wrote:
I might be a little out of the loop, I got married in 2000 (easy to remember how many years) but I didn't expect/require any gifts from people we invited. Yes, it's nice to get stuff, and we did get a nice chunk of change from people who gave cash/checks rather then stuff off our registry (or other random gifts). But if The Wife and I invited someone, it was because we wanted to share our special day with them, not because we were after the phat loots.

This is me personally, But I dont get the idea of a registry
"Oh, We want you to give us a gift, but we dictate what it is" My cousin checked his Baby shower registry constantly, with names, got pissed I didnt get him anything for his bundles of joy, when i was 18 and had NO job. People go crazy over gifts, we just want free stuff.

**joe_deman**

i dunno, i got married recently and gifts were all over the place. people in short gave what they could. we didn't have a list, and when people asked about what to give we just said "we don't need anything really, just come and enjoy yourselves".

The wedding paid for itself, and no one walked away with hard feelings.

I suspect people go a bit overboard with weddings. What happened to just getting married by a priest near some bloody loch?! Braveheart had it right folks.

**Dreadclaw69**

hotsauceman1 wrote:
This is me personally, But I dont get the idea of a registry
"Oh, We want you to give us a gift, but we dictate what it is" My cousin checked his Baby shower registry constantly, with names, got pissed I didnt get him anything for his bundles of joy, when i was 18 and had NO job. People go crazy over gifts, we just want free stuff.

In a lot of cases it's very useful so you do not get duplicates of items and then have to decide which set to return, or if your house is set up to help you get the items that you need. Stalking your registry and using it in the manner you have described is totally unreasonable, so please don't let one incident from an individual colour your view.

Automatically Appended Next Post:

joe_deman wrote:
people in short gave what they could.

Which is, how I think, it should be done.

**insaniak**

hotsauceman1 wrote:

This is me personally, But I dont get the idea of a registry
"Oh, We want you to give us a gift, but we dictate what it is" My cousin checked his Baby shower registry constantly, with names, got pissed I didnt get him anything for his bundles of joy, when i was 18 and had NO job. People go crazy over gifts, we just want free stuff.

The registry is just supposed to help people to know what you want... But that doesn't make it compulsory.

We had no specific expectation for our wedding. Some guests gave gifts, some gave cash, some gave nothing... We were grateful for whatever we received, but far more appreciative that people came and spent such a big moment in or lives with us.

We certainly didn't expect our guests to finance our wedding and our future... As it was, the cash gifts paid for our honeymoon... We would have had to invite a hell of a lot more people to come close to breaking even inn the wedding

**purplefood**

How rude.

**hotsauceman1**

joe_deman wrote:
i dunno, i got married recently and gifts were all over the place. people in short gave what they could. we didn't have a list, and when people asked about what to give we just said "we don't need anything really, just come and enjoy yourselves".

The wedding paid for itself, and no one walked away with hard feelings.

I suspect people go a bit overboard with weddings. What happened to just getting married by a priest near some bloody loch?! Braveheart had it right folks.

I remember what soome divorced women told me "It was about the wedding not that man for my marriage"
Here is a second hand story, But this older lady was getting married for the second time, A theme wedding i think it was(Maybe 80s themed). She said it was a blast for the entire family. But one person came up and said she made a mockery of weddings and what shame she made. I cant repeat what I said, but she was pissed.
All i know is this, I'm finding a foreign girl to marry, move to her country(Preferably in Europe) learn the language and marry her there. That way The family members I do not want to show up wont be able too.
I just REALLY dislike weddings sorry.

**Ouze**

This whole concept that "weddings are there to make money for your future" is both wholly alien, as well as disgusting to me.

That being said, I don't think it's out of line to politely ask for a receipt if given a gift you are allergic to; although I personally wouldn't bother if the value really was only $30.

Anyways reading this story can't help but make me thing sometimes violence really is the answer

**Ahtman**

Kovnik Obama wrote:
30$ really seems very cheap indeed.

The jackass brides claimed that price, so I wouldn't trust it. Godiva Biscuits can cost more then $30 alone.

Automatically Appended Next Post:

Ouze wrote:
This whole concept that "weddings are there to make money for your future" is both wholly alien, as well as disgusting to me.

Agreed.

Ouze wrote:
I don't think it's out of line to politely ask for a receipt if given a gift you are allergic to

I don't think this was out of line either, but I don't think it was really what got peoples back up.

**Monster Rain**

Things like this reinforce my feeling that eloping to Vegas with my wife was the right move.

**Steve steveson**

Asking for a receipt is not that bad, but a little off... After all it's only one of them that was intolorant. My sister in law got my wofe the same sort of thing as she didnt realise she had been diagnosed with some allegys. We said thank you, I ate the lot (nom nom nom) and told her two months later about this "new" diagnosis to avoid embarising her. But thinking gifts are to pay for your wedding or "pay for your plate" is bs. If someone expected that of me I would tell the to feth off.

For a start, As people have said unless you live very close by the cose of just getting to the wedding, getting clothes (even dry cleaning a suit you own and buying a cheap dress), and getting a hotel room for the night can cost more that $200/£150 no problem, and that's for a couple sharing the cost.

People should be happy you are going. However, someone who is inviting coworkers is a worry in the first place. But these two need to be told to stop being gready.

Anyone who gets married to make money rather than celebrate there union with there friends and family probably isn't going to be married for long.

On gift lists, IMO, the best thing to do is say give a gift if you wish, if you want the list details are with the brides/grooms parents. And if someone gose off the list then be thankfull they thought about you. If you ask for cash you had better give a reason (one friend of mine asked for it as they needed a new kitchen in the house they had so asked people to sponsor doors or sections of work top. Most ask for a honeymoon.)

In general always say "you don't have to give a gift, we just want you at our wedding, but if you do want to give one ...

**marv335**

I'm disgusted with this behaviour.
I got married in 2009, We paid for the whole thing ourselves.
I had no expectations of gifts from anyone.
We had a registry, but that is fairly standard in the UK, I certainly didn't expect to make a profit.

I recently attended a friends wedding back in scotland.
The cost to me for my wife and I to attend?
2x airfare £1200
1x night in hotel £120
1x car hire £150
1x wife's wedding outfit £200

Total cost to attend, £1670
That's before gifts.
If anyone thinks I'm helping to pay for their wedding on top of that, I'm sending a card and not bothering to turn up.

**Mr. Burning**

n general always say "you don't have to give a gift, we just want you at our wedding, but if you do want to give one ...

My wedding had similar sentiments. we did get lots of cash though, which paid for a belated honeymoon.

The best gift IMO was from my best man, a scalextric set!

**Seaward**

Grundz wrote:
who the fark spends $500 to attend a wedding
moreover, thats the AVERAGE? so 50% of people spend more than this?

We've done that as a bare minimum three times this year alone, and I think we need to do two or three more. Airfare's not inexpensive, especially for weekend travel to popular destinations. Hotels are expensive on the weekends, etc. etc. Didn't mind the time it was my friend getting married, but the two times they were hers? Pain in the ass.

**Howard A Treesong**

That's just ridiculous. You invite people to your wedding you want to attend, they bring a gift as a matter of courtesy. No one ever says the gift is there to cover the cost of their attendance, you don't aim to end the wedding day ahead on your expenses. If you blow $200 per person then that's your concern, guests bring a gift they can comfortably afford.