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A proton, an electron and a neutron go into the bar and order a drink. The proton and the electron pay, but the barman turns to the neutron and refuses his money saying 'for you, no charge.'

What does the platypus prove?
Nothing. It's pretty much useles.

EDIT: Also, God's got a sense of humor, or gets drunk every once in a while.

Do not demean the platypus! DO NOT!

How do you make a dead baby float?

Take your foot off it.

Cheese Elemental wrote:Do not demean the platypus! DO NOT!

Why do platypus(es?, i?, s'?) have beaver tails?
How the hell should I know?

What does a platypus think?
How the hell should I know?

Thank you, my platypus jokes will never stop, FYI.

Did you know Helen Keller had a swing-set in her back yard?
Neither did she.

One day a biker dies  and finds himself in hell. As he is
wallowing in
despair, he has his first meeting with the devil...


Satan: "Why so glum?"
Biker : "What do you think? I'm in  hell!"


Satan: "Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down
here. You
a drinking man?"


Biker "Sure, I love to drink."

Satan: "Well, you're gonna  love Mondays then. On Mondays,
that's all we
do is drink.  Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers,
Tab, and  Fresca.

We drink 'til we throw up and then we drink  some more! And you
don't
have to worry about getting a hangover, because you're dead
anyway."


Biker : "Gee, that sounds great!"

Satan: "You a smoker?"
Biker :"You better believe it"

Satan: "All right! You're gonna  love Tuesdays We get the
finest cigars
from all over the world, and smoke our lungs out.

If you get cancer - no biggie, you're already dead, remember?"

 
Biker : "Wow...that's awesome!"

Satan: "I bet you like to gamble."
Biker : "Why, yes, as a matter of fact I  do."


Satan: "Good, 'cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want..
Craps,
blackjack, roulette, poker, slots,  whatever.


If you go20bankrupt, it doesn't matter, you're dead anyhow."



Biker : "Cool!"

Satan: "What  about Drugs?"
Biker : "Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean...?"


Satan: "That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a
great big
bowl of crack or smack. Soke a doobie the size of a submarine.


You can do all  the drugs you want. You're dead so who
cares."


Biker : "Wow! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!"


Satan: "You gay?"
Biker :  "No..."

Satan: "Ooooh, Fridays are gonna be
tough..."

A man dies and gets sent to Hell after a life of drinking, gambling and fornicating. When he arrives, he's greeted by a demon who explains how things work round there.

"There's three rooms here, I'll show you what's in store for you in each one, and since you were a sinner, but not an evil man, I'll let you pick which one you go in. Once you're in though, that's it."

The man agrees to this, and follows the demon to the first door. He opens it and inside is a carpeted room where everyone is stood on their heads, looking visibly uncomfortable.

"Hmm, not great..." says the man, and asks to be shown to the next room.

Inside is a room with a concrete floor, and once again, everyone is stood on their heads, grimacing in pain.

"No thanks..." says the man, and asks to see the third room.

The demon opens the door, and the man is immediatley hit by the stench of raw sewage. The floor is covered in exrement of every kind, but everyone in there is stood around smoking, drinking and laughing.

The man thinks for a second and says "Well, it's not ideal, but I guess I'll take this room."

"Ok," says the demon "You will stay here for eternity." As the demon leaves, he turns to the room and shouts "Right, break time's over you lot, back on your heads!"

An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night.
The bartender finally said that the bar was closing.
So, the Irishman stood up to leave fell flat on his face.
He tried to stand one more time; same result.
He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air
and maybe that will sober him up.
Once outside, he stood up and fell on his face again.
So he decided to crawl the four blocks home.
Again, he fell flat on his face.
He crawled through the door and into his bedroom.
When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up.
This time he managed to pull himself upright,
but he quickly fell right into the bed and is sound asleep
as soon as his head hit the pillow.
He was awakened the next morning
to his wife standing over him, shouting,
"SO YOU'VE BEEN DRINKING AGAIN!"
Putting on an innocent look, and intent on bluffing it out he said,
"What makes you say that?"
"The pub just called; you left your wheelchair there again."

Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael,
were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape
from a burning freighter.
While rummaging through the boat's provisions,
Patrick stumbled across an old lamp.
Secretly hoping that a genie would appear,
he rubbed the lamp vigorously.
To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth.
This particular genie, however,
stated that he could only deliver one wish,
not the standard three.
Without giving much thought to the matter,
Patrick blurted out,
"Make the entire ocean into Guinness Beer!"
The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash,
and immediately the entire sea turned into
the finest brew ever sampled by mortals.
Simultaneously, the genie vanished.
Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull
broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.
Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick
whose wish had been granted.
After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke:
**"Nice going Patrick!**
**Now we're going to have to pee in the boat!**

What type of wood doesn't float?

Natalie Wood
------
What do Wal Mart and Michael Jackson have in common?

They both have boys' pants half off.
------
How did they clean up the Branch Davidian compound after the fire?

They sent in Jeffrey Dahmer with a bottle of barbecue sauce.
-------
How many Branch Davidians can you fit in a volkswagen?

17....Thats 2 in the front, 2 in the back, and 13 in the ashtrays

------

What do a Texas tornado and a Tennessee divorce have in common?

Either way, someone is going to lose a trailer.
-------
What is Pee-Wee Herman's favorite ball team?

The Yankees

His next favorite team?

The Expos

------

I'm sorry.

How do you fit 100 babies in a rubbish bin?

With a blender.

How do you get them out again?

With doritos.

How do you stop a baby falling down a manhole?

Stick a javelin through its head

yay tastlessness rules

What's more fun than spinning a baby around a clothesline at 200 km/per hour?

Stopping it with a shovel.

Sick.............................................................................................................................................................................But Funny.

I feel all dirty for smiling aboutthe joke with the rubbish bin.....

What's worse than a baby in a bin?

A baby in two bins.

greebynog i can totally beat you in dead baby jokes
but i wont casue thats what got me kicked of some old forums
An older man walks into a bar wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phony beard. He sits down at a bar and orders a drink. As the bartender sets it down, he asks, "Going to a party?"

"Yeah, a costume party," the man answers, "I'm supposed to come dressed as my love life."

"But you look like Abe Lincoln," protests the bartender.

"That's right. My last four scores were seven years ago."

What's worse than being hit with a shovel?
Not much.

My Unabashed Dictionary defines a virgin as someone who doesn't give a feth.

I put money on the 'Leafs.

whats the easiest way to make compost after eating matzoh, compote.

10 cookies to anyone understands this

not sure if this thread excludes warhammer jokes but:

A Tau walks into a bar...

Bwahahahahyah!

Sarah Palin. That is all.

Golden Eyed Scout wrote:Sarah Palin. That is all.

Yeah, the joke is that she's hot and she still almost became our vice president.

Now then.

There's three guys on a plane and each one is holding a bomb.

They all throw them out of the plane at different times and then go to see what the damage is.

The first guy goes up to a crater and sees a little boy crying outside.

He says "Little boy, why are you crying?"

The kid says, " My Mommy was in the house and the house blew up."

The second guy goes out and sees a little girl crying next to a crater.

He says, " Little girl, why are you crying?"

She said, "My daddy was in the house and the house blew up."

The last guy goes and finds his crater and sees a little boy rolling around with laughter.

He says, "Little boy why are you laughing?"

The boy responds with, "My daddy farted and the house blew up."

(cymbols)



Mod edit: No racist jokes please, it's against forum rules.

Not cool mcfly, not cool.

So this is a conservative forum then?

A large, powerfully-built guy meets a woman at a bar. After a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place. As they are making out in the bedroom, he stands up and starts to undress. After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms and says, "See that, baby? That''s 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She begins to drool. The man drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder''s pose, and says, referring to his bulging thighs, "See those, baby? That''s 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She is aching for action at this point. Finally, he drops his underpants, and after a quick glance, she grabs her purse and runs screaming to the front door. He catches her before she is able to leave and asks, "Why are you in such a hurry to go?" She replies, "With 2000 pounds of dynamite and such a short fuse, I was afraid you were about to blow!"

Awesome! It's so obvious when somebody is overcompensating for their shortcomings.

whra not too say too a policemen
-- I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

-- Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize I was driving.

-- Wow, you must've been doing about 125 mph to keep up with me!

-- I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.

-- You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

-- You look just like my girlfriend's deadbeat ex-husband.

-- The question is -- do YOU know why you pulled me over?

-- I was trying to keep up with traffic, and it's miles ahead of me.

-- If you have to ask if I've been drinking, I'm not going to tell you, dude.

-- It wasn't my fault -- when I reached down to roll this joint, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged under the brake pedal.

-- That's a sweet 9mm. You want to hold my .44 magnum?

-- If I'd known I was getting a full body cavity search, I would have waxed!

garret wrote:whra not too say too a policemen
-- I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

-- Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize I was driving.

-- Wow, you must've been doing about 125 mph to keep up with me!

-- I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.

-- You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

-- You look just like my girlfriend's deadbeat ex-husband.

-- The question is -- do YOU know why you pulled me over?

-- I was trying to keep up with traffic, and it's miles ahead of me.

-- If you have to ask if I've been drinking, I'm not going to tell you, dude.

-- It wasn't my fault -- when I reached down to roll this joint, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged under the brake pedal.

-- That's a sweet 9mm. You want to hold my .44 magnum?

-- If I'd known I was getting a full body cavity search, I would have waxed!

Also

- No Ossifur, that ain't my crack.
- Where'd you find that shiny badge?
- I had to get home because I had bad gas, and didn't want anyone to have to smell it.

I'm not as think as you drunk I am!

Shoot Me!