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An irish man is sitting in his kitchen waiting for his two sons to come down for breakfast.

The first son comes down and the father asks "What do you want for breakfast?" the son replies, " I want some god d@mn cheerios!". The father beats his son and sends him up to his room without breakfast. The second son comes down and the father asks "So, what do you want for breakfast?" the son replies "I don't know, but you can bet your sweet a$$ it aint going to be cheerios!".

Why did the blonde buy a convertable? More legroom.

Why are blonde jokes so short?


So blokes can remember them.


I was in a bar once, and three hasidic jews walked in the door. You know, hats, ringlets, black clothing. They looked ... lost.

I just turned to my mates (who had their backs to the door) and said "three jews walk into a bar." they all looked at me for the punchline and I just said "turn around". then THEY saw them and cracked up.
(not a joke, but it was funny at the time.).

Although I prefer this version.

Three [insert ethnic minority] walk into a bar.


You would've thought ONE of them would have seen it.

What's brown and sticky

A stick





An old man sitting on his porch turns to his old wife and says
'feth You!'
The old womand turns to him and says
'feth You!'
The old man shouts back
'feth You!'
The old womand shouts back
'feth You!'
Then the old man says
'You know this oral sex thing isn't as good as I heard'




A chicken walks into a library, goes up to the desk and says to the man behind it
'Buk, buk buk buk buk buk' (book book book)
The man thinking that this is an interesting thing, a chicken coming in asking for a book, looks at the shelfs, doing his best to come up with a book a chicken might like. In the end he chooses animal farm and hands it to the chicken.
The chicken takes the book in it's beak and wonders away.
The next day the chicken comes back with animal farm, leaves it on the counter then again says.
'Buuk buk buk buk buk'
The librarian guy goes and finds a chicken little book and hands it to the chicken. The chicken leaves as before carrying the book.
The next day the chicken comes back returning the book.
Over the following days this occurs every day. Each day the librarians interest grows until one day he decides to follow the chicken home, just to see what a chicken does with a book.
He follows the chicken as it leaves the town, he follows the chicken as it goes over woods and hills until it reaches a farm. He follows the chicken through the fields until it reaches a pond.
When it reaches the pond the chicken, carrying the book in it's beak, drops the book next to a frog, sitting on a leaf in the pond. The frog looks at it then immediately says
'reddit' (read it)

(This probably works better spoken so it sounds more like frog/ chicken noises)

You watch QI!!!

This is a story my buddy told me. I'm pretty sure it's true. He asks his girlfriend if she'll give him oral. He says she replied "I'm a vegatarian."

Q. What do you call a string quartet made of Sicilian double bass players?





A. Mafia heavy weapons team.

Q. How do you make a bear cross?
A. Nail two bears together.

Q. What kind of birds stick together?
A. Vel-crows.

Riddle me this....

Little Nancy Etticoat
In her white petticoat
And her red nose.
The longer she stands
The shorter she grows.

Question: Who is Nancy Etticoat?

Answer: She is an old woman with osteoperosis.

An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night.
The bartender finally said that the bar was closing.
So, the Irishman stood up to leave fell flat on his face.
He tried to stand one more time; same result.
He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air
and maybe that will sober him up.
Once outside, he stood up and fell on his face again.
So he decided to crawl the four blocks home.
Again, he fell flat on his face.
He crawled through the door and into his bedroom.
When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up.
This time he managed to pull himself upright,
but he quickly fell right into the bed and is sound asleep
as soon as his head hit the pillow.
He was awakened the next morning
to his wife standing over him, shouting,
"SO YOU'VE BEEN DRINKING AGAIN!"
Putting on an innocent look, and intent on bluffing it out he said,
"What makes you say that?"
"The pub just called; you left your wheelchair there again."

Why did Mozart kill his chickens?

Answer= They kept saying bach, bach, bach.

An old man is riding a bus one day when a punk kid gets on board. He's got spiked red&yellow hair, and piercings in his face. The old man starts to stare at the kid, and after a few minutes, the punk asks him, "what's your problem old man, didn't you ever do anything wild when you were younger?"

The old man replies, "Actually, I did. I was stationed in the Philippines during World War Two, and on a dare, I had sex with a parrot. I was just trying to figure out if you were my son."

A man is on a visit to Australia and walks into a pub.

He goes to the bar and says " Strongbow please."

The bartender replies " English eh? Well I think it's best I give you a few tips for the bush."

"Ok then."

"Firstly mate, you need to be careful about the crocs."

"I know, I hear that they've killed someone round here."

"Yep. Secondly mate, you need to be careful about the koalas."

"I know! Vicious little buggers when they're wild!"

"You got it! The last thing you need to know mate, it to be careful about the piecosts."

The English man, looking puzzled, asked " What's a piecost?"

"About 3.50 behind the bar mate!"

So a woman with brown hair walks into a bar and has a seat at the counter. The bartender says "Nice hair, did you dye it?"

She replies "No, it's natural."

After a little while she leaves. Soon after, a woman with red hair walks in and has a seat. The bartender says "Nice hair, did you dye it?"

She replies No, it's natural."

After a while she leaves. Then, a woman with green hair walks in and takes a seat. The bartender says "Uh, nice hair...did you dye it?"

She replies "No," she blows her nose in her hand and runs it through her hair, "it's natural."


Here's another.


So Superman was flying through New York as always until he saw Wonderwoman, completely naked and laying on her back as if she was having some secks. Superman thought "Dude I could go down there and do her so fast she wouldn't even realize it's me!" So he flies down, and does her really fast before flying away. When he's gone, Wonderwoman asks, "Who was that?" And Invisible Boy who was laying on top of her at the time replies "I don't know, but my ass really hurts."

What's Pink and hangs out your pants?

Your Mum.

What's worse than a dead baby?
A bin full of dead babies.

What's worse than a bin full of dead babies?
A live baby trapped at the bottom.

Whats easier to empty a truck full of dead babies or a truck full of Bowling balls.

Babies cause you can use a pitchfork.

Why'd the dead baby cross the road? It was stapled to the chicken.

This is getting rather ugly.

my threads are never pretty anung

A Canadian sings the Alphabet: Eh, B, C, D...

You Know your a Redneck when you don't move away from home. Instead, home moves away you.

Bob is cutting a hole in the Ice. When he is finished, he places a pea at the edge. As he is doing that, Dougwalks up to him.
Doug: What're you doing?
Bob: I'm going to catch myself a Polar Bear.
Doug: How're you going do that?
Bob: When the Polarbear comes to take a pea, I'll kick him in the Ice hole.

And they get worse. Do not ask for the Pink pingpong ball joke.

Anung Un Rama wrote:This is getting rather ugly.

If that was because of me, he never said no dead baby jokes.

Crazy_Carnifex wrote:A Canadian sings the Alphabet: Eh, B, C, D...

No dude the Canadian alphabet goes from Eh to Zed.

Round 2:

Q) Whats red and looks like a bucket?
A) A red bucket.
Q) What's blue and looks like a bucket?
A) a red bucket in disguise.

Q) Whats green and has wheels?
A) Grass. I lied about the wheels

Mom: "Timmy, what did your father say when you broke the window?"
Timmy: "Do you want me to leave out all the swearwords?"
Mom: "Yes."
Timmy: "He didn't say anything."

Tommy: "Dad, I hate my sister."
Dad: "Then finish your vegtables and you can go."

Ba-dump-tshh!!

Why wasn't the pony any good at singing?





Because he was a little ho(a)rse.



This is the only joke I know that isn't likely to get me banned.

Whats got two legs and bleeds?

Half a dog

scragglefoot wrote:Whats got two legs and bleeds?

Half a dog

A man with a cut leg?

What do you do if you see me with only half a head?
Stop laughing and reload, moron.

I'm in a car. Who's driving?
The cop.

Why don't I use a checkbook?
I find it hard to sign my name in an enemies blood.

A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. The drunk walks into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of booze.

Whereupon he asks the drunk,
"Are you ready to find Jesus?"
"Yes I am" replies the drunk, so the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the river. He pulls him up and asks the drunk.
"Brother have you found Jesus?"
The drunk replies, "No, I haven't." The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again, but for a bit longer this time. He pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you found Jesus, my brother?"
The drunk again answers, "No, I have not found Jesus."

By this time the preacher is at his wits end so he dunks the drunk in the water again, but this time he holds him down for about 30 seconds.

When the drunk begins kicking his arms and legs, the preacher pulls him up. The preacher asks the drunk again, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?"

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher,
"Are you sure this is where he fell in??

What's green, angry and carries people around space?

A Space Hulk.

What is red, green, and spins around really fast?

A frog in a blender.

A sodium atom and a chlorine atom are sitting in a bar. The sodium atom says, "Hey, I think I've lost an electron". THe chlorine atom asks, " Are you sure"? The sodium says, " Yes, I'm positive".