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Lukus83 wrote:2 blondes are in a forest when they stumble into a clearing. They see some strange tracks on the floor when the first blonde pipes up
"those are bear tracks"
"No way, those are definately deer tracks"
"Look, I've seen them before, they ARE bear tracks"
"I've been in this forest more times than you, they are 100% deer tracks"

They are still arguing when the train hits them...

... Then there was the blonde who broke her arm raking leaves...
She fell out of the tree.

A bear and a rabbit walk into a Genie lamp and, sure as heck, a Genie pops out.
"I will grant you each 3 wishes." Says the Genie.
"Oh, yay! Me first!" Shouts the bear. "I wish that every bear in the woods was female!"
"Done." Says the genie.
"No, wait. I wish that every bear in the world was female! That way no one gets the girls but me!"
"Done."
"In fact, just to be sure, I wish that every bear in the Universe was female!"
"Done."
The rabbit, sick of listening to the bear going on about bear-chicks, looks at the bear, turns to the Genie and says,
"I wish he was gay."

Two prostitutes in a lift - one says:'It stinks of piss in here', the other says:

'I know - I've just burped.'

Two prostitutes standing on a street-corner - one says:'Have you ever been caught by 'the Fuzz'?, the other says:

'No, but I've been swung around by the tits'.

Um, you might want to delete those.

Nah, they look fine to me
Lets face it, unless your a prostitute your not going to take offence.

A trio of nuns accidently drive their small car off of a cliff and are subsiquently killed.
Upon reaching Heaven,they are told by St. Peter that there is limited room in Heaven,and that each nun must answer one question before they can be allowed to enter,however,since they are nuns,he will attempt to go easy on them.
"ok" St. Peter says,starting with the first nun " What was the name of the first man that God created?"
The nun thinks for a moment,then answers "Adam."
Bells ring,trumphets blair and the pearly gates open.
"Now" St Peter says,turning to the second nun "What was the name of the first woman that God created?"
The nun thinks for a moment,then answers "Eve."
Bells ring,trumphets blair and the pearly gates open.
"Ok sister" St. Peter says to the final nun "What was the first thing that the first woman said to the first man?"
The nun thought for a long time,but still the answer eluded her.
"my...that's a hard one." she sighed
Bells ring,trumphets blair and the pearly gates open.

@JD21290: It's not exactly work-safe is it? And for that matter, neither is your avatar.

@Emperors Faithful - Why? Are you at work?

What sits at the end of your bed taking the piss out of you?

A Kidney Dialysis machine.

@Albotross: Nope, just saying I'm not sure if that stuff was suitable. :(

But each to their own I guess...

Modquisition on, I put a warning on the title and a reminder to all, no nuidty, no racist, religionist jokes, and anyone who impugns the great state of Texas will get the business end of killer attack wiener dogs!

Blame Adam.

Adam was sitting in the garden bored out of his mind. Seeing this god asks him,

God: Would you like me to create a companion for you?
Adam: Yes
God: I will make a wonderful companion for you, she will be loyal, helpful, decisive and she will never argue with you.
Adam: Sounds great whats the catch?
God: It'll cost you an arm and a leg.
Adam: Hmm thats a bit much, ah what can I get for a rib?

a to the tune of the powerthirst commercial:

Hey!
Do you want to feel SO VERY SHOOTY?
Try Devestator Squads!
Heavy Support Options for people who need GRATUITOUS AMOUNTS OF HEAVY WEAPONS!

With heavy weapons like MULTI MELTAS!
F#&*k your armour! It's like slapping an Eldar with a LIGHTNING CLAW!
Sound the alarm, you're going to be doing UNCOMFORTABLE AMOUNTS OF UNSAVEABLE WOUNDS!

What's that? You want small blast markers? Well how about PLASMA CANNONS!
Made with REAL 'Gets hot!' DISADVANTAGES!

SHOOTING!
WAAAARGH!
You'll be good at it!
It's a Heavy Support choice of power!
FIREPOWER!

These aren't your Tactical Marines!
These are heavy weapon Marines!
DEVESTATORS!

LASCANNONS!
POWER!
LASCANNONS!
POWER!

Missile Marines Heavy Bolter Marines Multi Melta Marines Lascannon Marines Plasma Cannon Marines
More Marines then YOUR FORCE ORGANIZATION CHART HAS ROOM FOR!

You'll be so shooty that Orks will be like
'Oi! Dis gitz got too much Dakka!'
And you'll be like 'F#&k you!' and hit them in the Front Armour with your KRAK MISSILE!

You'll have so much firepower
LASCANNONS!
WAAARGH!
Just shooting ALL THE TIME!
HQ Devestators Elite Devestators Troop Devestators Fast Attack Devestators Heavy Support Devestators with LASCANNONS!
LASCANNONS!
You'll have so many LASCA-
400 LASCANNONS!

Give LASCANNONS to your Scouts and they'll be GOOD AT SHOOTING!
Make your Scouts shoot ABNORMALLY WELL!
They'll shoot as well as TAU!
People will watch them shoot and think they're TAU!
They'll fight as well as TAU!
Against actual TAU!
And it'll be a draw and they'll get assimilated for THE GREATER GOOD!

Hey! Go with a sure thing! Don't gamble on your 'Get's Hot!' rolls!
OOOVVVEEER HEEEAAATEEED!

TRY DEVESTATORS!
They Heavy Support choice that will make you
WAAARGH!
LASCANNON!
WAAARGH!

It was a mail carrier’s last day at work. The man was in his 60’s, single, and he was retiring after this last day of work had been completed. He had given out notices to the various people living on his route – having delivered mail to the same people for over 30 years he knew most of them quite well.

A few houses left him things; notes, a couple gifts, and one a small amount of cash. There was nothing too far out of the ordinary, until he arrived at one of the final houses on the last street. As he approached the door, it was opened by a beautiful woman wearing exceptionally revealing lingerie. He blinked a few times, but she simply smiled and invited him inside. With barely an introduction she took him up to the bedroom, where he spent an amazingly pleasurable amount of time – his first in years, truth be told.

When they were finished and dressed, she took him to the kitchen and made him a wonderful breakfast of bacon, eggs, pancakes, fresh OJ, and some fruit. Still dumbfounded, he savors the enjoyable home-cooked meal before letting out a contented sigh and standing up from the table. The woman grabed his hand and places a $1 bill in his palm.
“Ok, lady. I do not mean this to be rude – this is probably the best day that I can recall in my years of work – but what’s up with the dollar bill?” he asks.

“Oh, well, I told my husband that today was your last day delivering our mail. He told me ‘Screw him, give him a dollar’; breakfast was my idea”.

Aww I have no dakka appropriate jokes. D:

Frazzled wrote:and anyone who impugns the great state of Texas will get the business end of killer attack wiener dogs!

Frazz, sometimes you're the screen door in my submarine.

"Doctor, doctor, I dropped a steering wheel down my pants!"

"Is it driving you nuts?"

*rimshot*

A pirate with a wooden leg, a hook and a eye-patch walks into a bar and orders a drink.
The guy next to him finds such catastrophic damage to ones body peculiar and so he asks.
"Hey, mate. How did you get a woden leg?"

"Garrrr." The pirate replies. "Twas when I be a swimming in the Great South Seas when a sea monster swam up and bit me leg off."

"Wow. But what about that hook there?"

"Garrr. I fought with Captain Blackbeard and lost me hand in the middle of it."

"That's pretty cool. And the eye-patch?"

"Garrr. One day I looked up in the sky and a seagull pooped on me."

"Well, that sucked. But that doesn't explain how you lost your eye."

"Garrr, matey. Twas me first day with the hook, you see?"

You know when your in texas when

The birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground.

The trees are whistling for the dogs.

The best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.

Hot water now comes out of both taps.

You can make sun tea instantly.

You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron.

The temperature drops below 95 and you feel a little chilly.

You discover that in July it only takes 2 fingers to steer your car.

You discover that you can get sunburned through your car window.

You actually burn your hand opening the car door.

You break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m.

Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?"

You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.

The potatoes cook underground, so all you have to

do is pull one out and add butter, salt and pepper.

Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying boiled eggs.

The cows are giving evaporated milk.



A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals had a habit of picking on strangers. So when he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head and fired a shot into the ceiling. ''WHICH ONE OF YOU SIDEWINDERS STOLE MY HOSS?'' he yelled.
No one answered.
''ALL RIGHT, I'M GONNA HAVE ANOTHA' BEER, AND IF MY HOSS AIN'T BACK OUTSIDE BY THE TIME I FINISH, I'M GONNA DO WHAT I DONE IN TEXAS! AND I DON'T LIKE TO HAVE TO DO WHAT I DONE IN TEXAS!''
Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The cowboy had another beer, walked outside, and his horse was back! He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, ''Say partner, before you go. . .what happened in Texas?''
The cowboy turned back and said, ''I had to walk home.''

Garrett just made any Texan's Gak List....

A pirate ship is sailing along one day and they spot a Royal Navy vessel on the horizon. "Cabin Boy," says the captain, "fetch me my red shirt." The cabin boy does so and asks why he wanted that particular shirt. "So the lads won't see me bleedin' were I to catch the business end of a cutlass." Well they pirate ship manages to sink that vessel and continues on. Not long thereafter the lookout spots a whole fleet of ships coming straight for them. The captain starts to sweat and bellows out, "Cabin Boy! Fetch me my brown pants!"

That one made me lol.

3 women die in a car crash, when they get to heaven st peter says to them you can do whatever you want but don't step on a duck. The women are confused by this until the pearly gates open and they see heaven is filled with ducks, one women tries to enter how ever almost immediately steps on a duck, st peter tuts to himself and flys away. When he returns he is carrying an incredibly ugly man which he proceeds to chain to the 1st women, the second women tries to enter and makes it to a fountain however when she sits down to rest her feet she accidentally squashes a duck and the same fate befalls her, the final women then marches in to heaven carefully. 1 week later she is in her room when she sees st peter again outside her room with an incredibly handsome man next to him. She rushes outside and st peter chains them together, she thinks to herself this must be my reward for not stepping on a duck. she turns to him and asks if he knows why hes chained to her, he then turns around and says...

I stepped on a duck

Damn. Heaven sucks.

Q. How do you get a fat girl into bed?

A. Piece of cake.

squilverine wrote:Q. How do you get a fat girl into bed?

A. Piece of cake.

Simple is more, or so they say...

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A pair of Socks were pecked upon a washing line, next to the Tie. The Tie didn't like the socks.

"Why are you here?" demanded the Tie,"What brings you here?"

"Oh," replied the Socks "We're just hanging around!"

Tee hee chortle! Anyhow, here's a joke that I found not too long ago. It's pretty much the same as before, bar a few alterations. Enjoy!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

On a beach in California, a lone Biker sat in the sand, admiring the beautiful sunset. All of a sudden, the clouds parted, and God appeared before him, blinding the tiny human with sunlight. The Biker was stunned by this.

“I am God.” boomed The Lord; his voice easily deafening out the small Biker’s wordless shouting.

The Biker fell to his knees in awe and said, “Dude, I’ll do what you want!”

“I do not need you to do anything for me.” replied God, his features shining with gold. “You are pure in heart and clean in soul. You have proven yourself worthy of a wish, and one wish only.”

The Biker fell silent for a moment. After much thought, he came to a decision. “Err, I wish that there could be a bridge that connects California with Hawaii, and then I can ride over it whenever I like! I could---”

“Now, now,” God cut in, “You must not think of worldly things – Why else do you think that I chose you? Consider the vast amounts of raw materials it would take: Millions of tonnes of sand; huge quantities of iron. It would nearly exhaust several natural resources! Not only that, but all of the environmental impacts, too… What about the terrible pollution it would cause?”

The Biker looked away from the gaze of The Lord. His eyes became fixed upon the glittering waves breaking over the rocks before him.

“Look at me.” God commanded. The Biker looked up, his mood of a more serious nature. “Now,” continued God, “I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for material things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."

The Biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, “Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy.”

The Lord replied, “Do you want two lanes or four on that bridge?”