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Duck walks into a bar, says 'gimme a beer and put it on my Bill'.......
Automatically Appended Next Post: Question for the MODS?: can i tell a dirty joke? its not grotesque or valger, but it does have 'mature subject matter.
This message was edited 2 times. Last update was at 2009/11/24 19:32:22
A duck walks into a 7-11 and says "Give me some chapstick, put it on my bill!" But the cash register attendee doesn't speak English and cannot understand him. He does, however, question whether his God is punishing him because as all people know, Ducks cannot speak, however, this hallucination must be punishment for a horrid misdeed. THe employee breaks down into tears and begins reciting prayer. The duck, slightly miffed, walks out, pondering why he'd need chapstick anyway, since he has no lips.
The Dreadnote wrote:A duck walks into a 7-11 and says "Give me some chapstick, put it on my bill!" But the cash register attendee doesn't speak English and cannot understand him. He does, however, question whether his God is punishing him because as all people know, Ducks cannot speak, however, this hallucination must be punishment for a horrid misdeed. THe employee breaks down into tears and begins reciting prayer. The duck, slightly miffed, walks out, pondering why he'd need chapstick anyway, since he has no lips.
Lordhat wrote:A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the beaches in Montego Bay, Jamaica. Their domestic tranquillity had long been the talk of the town. People would say, "What a peaceful & loving couple"
The local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.
The Husband replied "Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in America," explained the man. "We visited the Grand Canyon, in Arizona, and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon, by horse. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled and she almost fell off. My wife looked down at the horse and quietly said, "That's once."
"We proceeded a little further and her horse stumbled again. Again my wife quietly said, "That's twice." We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled for the third time my wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead.
I SHOUTED at her, "What's wrong with you, woman!? Why did you shoot the poor animal like that, are you fething crazy!?" She looked at ME, and quietly said, "That's once."
I'm on twice currently.
-"Wait a minute.....who is that Frazz is talking to in the gallery? Hmmm something is going on here.....Oh.... it seems there is some dispute over video taping of some sort......Frazz is really upset now..........wait a minute......whats he go there.......is it? Can it be?....Frazz has just unleashed his hidden weiner dog from his mini bag, while quoting shakespeares "Let slip the dogs the war!!" GG
-"Don't mind Frazzled. He's just Dakka's crazy old dude locked in the attic. He's harmless. Mostly."
-TBone the Magnificent 1999-2014, Long Live the King!
Obama has issued an Executive Order for federal agencies to cease using the term "Illegal Aliens." From this point forward, they're to be called "Undocumented Democrats."
President Obama will make it a lot easier for most people to do their income taxes next year. No jobs, no income.
Q. What will you give Barack Obama for Christmas?
A. Your job, your car and your house.
--The whole concept of government granted and government regulated 'permits' and the accompanying government mandate for government approved firearms 'training' prior to being blessed by government with the privilege to carry arms in a government approved and regulated manner, flies directly in the face of the fundamental right to keep and bear arms.
“The Constitution is not an instrument for the government to restrain the people, it is an instrument for the people to restrain the government.”
A guy walks into a bar with a large piece of asphalt under his arm. He slaps the asphalt on the bar and says "I'll have one for me and one for the road".
darkkt wrote:A guy walks into a bar with a large piece of asphalt under his arm. He slaps the asphalt on the bar and says "I'll have one for me and one for the road".
I chuckled.
People are like dice, a certain Frenchman said that. You throw yourself in the direction of your own choosing. People are free because they can do that. Everyone's circumstances are different, but no matter how small the choice, at the very least, you can throw yourself. It's not chance or fate. It's the choice you made.
Let's not derail the thread with political jokes! It could be considered trolling.
Now here is an excellent joke...
This man is a terrible drunk and often comes home from the pub pissed and covered in mud or sick.
Eventually his wife has had enough, and she issues an ultimatum.
"I am fed up cleaning your clothes covered in sick! If it happens one more time I will lock you out of the house and you can sleep in the shed."
Naturally he heads to the pub to console himself. He explains his predicament to a friend, who gives him some useful advice.
"Put a £20 note in your pocket, then if you get home with your suit covered in sick, tell your wife someone else was sick on you and gave you the money to get it dry cleaned."
The man thinks this is a good idea so he does it. That night he gets home late. Seeing his suit covered in sick, his wife starts to berate him, and he defends himself.
“But darling, it wasn’t me. Another man was so drunk he threw up on me. Look, he gave me £20 to pay for dry cleaning!”
Somewhat mollified, the wife takes the money. “Hmm. Maybe. But why is there £40 here?”
“Oh, the other £20 is from the man who accidentally crapped in my pants.”
I was walking home last night when I noticed an old drunk staggering along the road. He passed a woman who was walking a young child. "Lady", said the drunk, "that's the ugliest kid I've ever seen. Damn, that is one ugly child!." As the drunk wandered off, the lady burst into tears. Just then, a mailman came to her rescue. "What's the matter, madam?" he asked. "I've just been horribly insulted" she sobbed. "There there," said the mailman, reaching into his pocket. "Dry your eyes with this tissue, and here's a banana for the chimp"
--The whole concept of government granted and government regulated 'permits' and the accompanying government mandate for government approved firearms 'training' prior to being blessed by government with the privilege to carry arms in a government approved and regulated manner, flies directly in the face of the fundamental right to keep and bear arms.
“The Constitution is not an instrument for the government to restrain the people, it is an instrument for the people to restrain the government.”
The Lone Ranger is new to the whole gig and asks Tonto to help him out. Tonto puts his head to the ground and listens intently for a few seconds then stands back up
Tonto - "Buffalo come"
The Lone Ranger - "Wow, you have to tell me how you know that...is it an old Indian trick"
Tonto - "Face sticky"
When i die, i want to go quietly in my sleep like my Grandad. Not screaming like the people in his car.
1500pts
Gwar! wrote:Debate it all you want, I just report what the rules actually say. It's up to others to tie their panties in a Knot. I stopped caring long ago.
Well, except for lord hats.. that was more alarming than funny. :S
We are arming Syrian rebels who support ISIS, who is fighting Iran, who is fighting Iraq who we also support against ISIS, while fighting Kurds who we support while they are fighting Syrian rebels.
Lukus83 wrote:The Lone Ranger is new to the whole gig and asks Tonto to help him out. Tonto puts his head to the ground and listens intently for a few seconds then stands back up
Tonto - "Buffalo come"
The Lone Ranger - "Wow, you have to tell me how you know that...is it an old Indian trick"
Tonto - "Face sticky"
The Lone Ranger is riding along when he comes across Tonto, on his belly with his ear to the ground.
The Lone Ranger - Tonto, what are you doing?
Tonto - White mans wagon with four horses come this way
The Lone Ranger - Wow, you can tell that just by the sound or smell of the tracks?
Tonto - No, white mans wagon ran over me.
Did you hit him in defence?
No, I hit him in de face and he fell over de fence!
A cowboy comes past a man who is lying on the ground in the desert, he is clearly an army officer and around him are the remains of his men. The cowboy asks the man
'What the hell happened here?'
'Bacon Tree.'
'What?'
'Bacon Tree'
'What?'
'Oh,no, Ham Bush.'
The OC-D
This message was edited 1 time. Last update was at 2009/11/29 20:30:05
DT:90SGM+B++I+Pw40k04#+D++A++/areWD315R+t(M)DM+ 4000 points of Cadian 33rd
English and Proud
http://forum.emergency-planet.com/ The other foum I post on
Playstation 3 Player
"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons" - Douglas MacArthur.
This message was edited 1 time. Last update was at 2009/11/29 23:46:33
And so, due to rising costs of maintaining the Golden Throne, the Emperor's finest accountants spoke to the Demigurg. A deal was forged in blood and extensive paperwork for a sub-prime mortgage with a 5/1 ARM on the Imperial Palace. And lo, in the following years the housing market did tumble and the rate skyrocketed leaving the Emperor's coffers bare. A dark time has begun for the Imperium, the tithes can not keep up with the balloon payments and the Imperial Palace and its contents, including the Golden Throne, have fallen into foreclosure. With an impending auction on the horizon mankind holds its breath as it waits to see who will gain possession of the corpse-god and thus, the fate of humanity......
2 cows in a field, 1 says "moo" The other one turns and says "you bitch, i was going to say that"
Late, brain not working, i apologise for the gak joke
Suffused with the dying memories of Sanguinus, the warriors of the Death Company seek only one thing: death in battle fighting against the enemies of the Emperor.
2 blondes are in a forest when they stumble into a clearing. They see some strange tracks on the floor when the first blonde pipes up
"those are bear tracks"
"No way, those are definately deer tracks"
"Look, I've seen them before, they ARE bear tracks"
"I've been in this forest more times than you, they are 100% deer tracks"
They are still arguing when the train hits them...
1500pts
5000pts
5000pts
4000pts
Suffused with the dying memories of Sanguinus, the warriors of the Death Company seek only one thing: death in battle fighting against the enemies of the Emperor.