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CthuluIsSpy wrote:Dear Emprah,

I am a Cadian Prince with a large fortune that I sadly cannot access at the moment. However, I may be able to if you were to give me your financial and bank details.

If you due I will gladly give a portion of my fortune.

Would you help me?

What injustice is this! Why of course I would be happy to aid one of my subjects in ne-

Eh?

Oh right.

Sorry, my loyal aide the Zombified Corpse of Malcador the Sigillite just reminded me that I'm no longer allowed to know my bank account number after an unfortunate incident with the Tallarn Oil Minister's son.

Your Pal
Emp
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Dear the Spase Emporer:

Tomorrow is Intergalactic Sexy Nurses Day



when woman and certain yellow-armored Space Marines shed their drab daily clothes and dress as sexy nurses, sexy maids and sexy mutant ninja turtles.

This year I was thinking of doing something different and going as a sexy servo skull, but I can't figure out how to do the costume. What do you recommend?

Your sexy pal

Sexy on Saturn

Dear Space Emprah,

Will I ever be able to score high on my Comp with a SW codex?

Even when I "soften" the list using Rhinos instead of Min/Max Razor spam, the n00bs still makr me 1's and 2's instead of 3's and 4's...

I even considered taking a "fluffy bunny" list, but I am afraid that even then I will be sniped by ignorant babies who wet themselves and curl into the foetal position upon reading "Codex Space Wolves" at the top of my list... despite not reading any further lines down the page...

Oh God Emprah, what am I to do?

Kid_Kyoto wrote:Dear the Spase Emporer:

Tomorrow is Intergalactic Sexy Nurses Day

http://www.gorgeous10.com/image.axd?picture=2010%2F5%2Fsexy_nurses.jpg

when woman and certain yellow-armored Space Marines shed their drab daily clothes and dress as sexy nurses, sexy maids and sexy mutant ninja turtles.

This year I was thinking of doing something different and going as a sexy servo skull, but I can't figure out how to do the costume. What do you recommend?

Your sexy pal

Sexy on Saturn

Dear Brother Captain Stern,

I think you meant to sign "Titillated on Titan" but, whatever, I still figured it out.

So if you read Lorgar's biography of me, the Spase Bible, you know I love Intergalactic Sexy Nurses Day. I mean, some of the stuff in that book might be a little exaggerated but I really, really do love Intergalactic Sexy Nurses Day. Declaring it a holiday was one of my first orders and every loyal citizen celebrates. Like you mentioned, Dorn's boys strictly observe it -- but did you know it was out of their intense devotion to me? Little-known fact: the Dark Angels dress up year-round because they love me so much. And people thought Jonson might have betrayed me, pfft. Take a look at those dresses and tell me they're traitors. Didn't think so.

Look, anyhow, the point is that if anybody knows Intergalactic Sexy Nurses Day it's yours truly. And I have to tell you, Arvann, the "sexy" servoskull costume is absurd. Real boner-killer (lolpun). What you want to do is go as one of those hot temple assassins. Hey, and no problem with your man face, they have those ninja-masks. You can use a Wolf Tail Talisman for the hair and, as for those beefy shoulders of yours, just stuff your synthskin suit with a couple of Mk VII helmets and no one will even notice. I'd tell you to consider sexy nun, too, but Repentia show a lot of skin.

As for me, I'm going as a toilet-bound zombie god -- for like the ten thousandth time, I know. Hey, if it ain't broke!

Merry Intergalactic Sexy Nurses Day,

DEUS IMPERATOR

+ + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + +

Dear False Emperor,

I think I may have an anger problem but the way I discovered this makes me wonder if it's really even my problem. I just found out that all my friends are calling me "the Betrayer" behind my back. What the feth? Who are they to call me that gak? I mean, maybe I do overreact every once in a while but, feth, it turns out my so-called friends have been calling me the fething "Betrayer" for centuries now. Maybe more, I don't even know. These are the fethers I've been hanging with for millennia so I'm thinking, is it any wonder that I'm angry all the time? The "Betrayer," huh? Pretty fething ironic, I'd say.

Just writing this is really pissing me off. How the feth am I even supposed to deal with this gak? I've been thinking it through, about confronting them over talking gak about me like this. The way I look at it, I have three options. So, option one -- I could maim them. Option two, of course I'm sure you already thought of this because it's obvious, I could burn them. And, finally, option three -- I could kill them. I just can't make up my mind which is best. I think about it, get pissed off, and my head starts spinning. You know, it's like maim? burn? kill? maim? burn? kill? maim? burn? kill? ad nauseum. So what do you think? Maim, burn, or kill?

With rage,

The Betrayer Betrayed

Dear Betrayer,
A good rant and rave is an excellent way to release pent up tension and aggression. Physical exercise is another useful technique and it gets you a nice endorphin high. I am still detecting alot of angst in there and maybe a bit of insecurity. I think a nice long bath (with bath salts) with some candles and an Enya CD on in the background (Never mix electronics and Water) would do you a world of good. With a positive mental attitude you would be ready to discuss the way ahead, Kill, Maim and burn is not the solution. You need to articulate you problems and discuss it, talk it out.
Believe me as a father of twenty, you will soon tire yourself out trying to put the world to rights. Sometimes you must just learn to sit back and let it go. As the great Mark Twain said "Anger is emotion that does more damage to the vessel in which it is stored than on anything it could ever be poured."
Oh never overlook furniture, a decent bed gives you a good nights sleep and consider buying a decent chair, I've had the same one for years and it gives me terrible back ache. Everytime I get twings, I feel like destroying a planet or two just to take my mind off the pain.


Imperator

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Emperor,

I am being abused by a MOD what do i do?

Mwnciboo

mwnciboo wrote:Dear Emperor,

I am being abused by a MOD what do i do?

Mwnciboo

Citizen,

The Imperium demands unquestioning obedience. Is that price too high? Only for mankind's enemies, I think.

Gloweringly,

DEUS IMPERATOR

+ + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + +

Dear Daddy,

I was watching the season finale of Project Runway the other night and I thought, whoa it's been like three seasons of Project Runway since I heard from Daddy! I wonder what he's up to? How do we not hang out more? You know, we should just follow Tim Gun's advice and "make it work" lulz. Anyway, Daddy, I was just wondering if you could tell me what the security code on your new credit card is. I found the most AMAZING power claw at Blackstone Mall but they didn't have my size. Everything was like SOOO HUGE, like made for Bloodthirster rejects or something. AS IF! So like I got on the internet and found one with these rhinestone skulls -- it's super cute -- but when I put in your credit card info it was like denied or some junk. So I guess you got a new card forgot to tell me. If you could just send that number over that'd be the R0XX0RZZ.

Kisses,

Fulgrim

(um everyone knows you're supposed to ANSWER the question above as well as ASK a new one right? Right?)

Manchu wrote:
DEUS IMPERATOR[/b]

+ + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + +

Dear False Emperor,

I think I may have an anger problem but the way I discovered this makes me wonder if it's really even my problem. I just found out that all my friends are calling be "the Betrayer" behind my back. What the feth? Who are they to call me that gak? I mean, maybe I do overreact every once in a while but, feth, it turns out my so-called friends have been calling me the fething "Betrayer" for centuries now. Maybe more, I don't even know. These are the fethers I've been hanging with for millennia so I'm thinking, is it any wonder that I'm angry all the time? The "Betrayer," huh? Pretty fething ironic, I'd say.

Just writing this is really pissing me off. How the feth am I even supposed to deal with this gak? I've been thinking it through, about confronting them over talking gak about me like this. The way I look at it, I have three options. So, option one -- I could maim them. Option two, of course I'm sure you already thought of this because it's obvious, I could burn them. And, finally, option three -- I could kill them. I just can't make up my mind which is best. I think about it, get pissed off, and my head starts spinning. You know, it's like maim? burn? kill? maim? burn? kill? maim? burn? kill? ad nauseum. So what do you think? Maim, burn, or kill?

With rage,

The Betrayer Betrayed

Dear Betrayer

Y'know even with my power of Emporer Omniciance it took me a bit to figure out who was really writing me. Of course once I did it made total sense.

Y'see nicknames can come from all sorts of things. Like when I was young everyone would call me Smallville, cause that's where I came from (sort of, long story) despite the fact that I'm not really small at all.

And y'gotta understand your nickname, it's a pun. I mean think about it, you're Beatrice Trayer of 123 Cranium Lane, Skull City, Skullworld. Beatrice Trayer, Bea Trayer... see where I'm going with this?

So don't get too stressed out, that's what I'm saying.

Yours
Teh 'Smallville' Emporer

mwnciboo wrote:Dear Emperor,

What are your feelings towards the latest pict show "The Imperiums got Talent?".

Yours,

Simon Cowell

Simon, I gotta say, and I mean this from the bottom of my heart which is over in that jar over there, the Imperium has no talent. None.

I mean seriously what with the Inquisition having standing kill orders for anyone who declares 'art' as their major we've pretty much weeded it out of genepool.

I mean really if you think Khorne, Slannesh, Nurgle and Slannesh are bad, that's cause you haven't met Liberace Chaos God of Being Fabulous.

Yours,

Teh E

Dear Landlord,
Since you burned away all the bloody Sea's 20,000 Years ago, I have been homeless. Now if that wasn't bad enough 10,000 years later you had a big family row and everytime I go out in public on Terra, people shout "Chaos Spawn, Kill him". Seriously just because I don't look human doesn't mean I belong to the ruinous powers and without getting shirty, I was here on Terra well before you lot were. So can you sort this social mess out, as I am fed up of living apart on my own home planet.

Cthulhu

Dear Large Squid Person

On advice from my Lawyers I cannot refer to you by name or comment on any accidental resemblance between you, your mythos, and the Gods of Chaos.

Yours in litigation

The Emporer of 100% Original Ideas

AvatarForm wrote:Dear Space Emprah,

Will I ever be able to score high on my Comp with a SW codex?

Even when I "soften" the list using Rhinos instead of Min/Max Razor spam, the n00bs still makr me 1's and 2's instead of 3's and 4's...

I even considered taking a "fluffy bunny" list, but I am afraid that even then I will be sniped by ignorant babies who wet themselves and curl into the foetal position upon reading "Codex Space Wolves" at the top of my list... despite not reading any further lines down the page...

Oh God Emprah, what am I to do?

Yeah, why don't you go whine Saint Celestine Heiromartyr of the Palantine Crusade how tough it is when everyone assume's your codex is unstoppable and how hard it must be to paint up all those new plastic models you got. I'm sure she'll have a lot of sympathy.

Yours
The Emporer of Balanced Codexes

Manchu wrote:
Dear Daddy,

I was watching the season finale of Project Runway the other night and I thought, whoa it's been like three seasons of Project Runway since I heard from Daddy! I wonder what he's up to? How do we not hang out more? You know, we should just follow Tim Gun's advice and "make it work" lulz. Anyway, Daddy, I was just wondering if you could tell me what the security code on your new credit card is. I found the most AMAZING power claw at Blackstone Mall but they didn't have my size. Everything was like SOOO HUGE, like made for Bloodthirster rejects or something. AS IF! So like I got on the internet and found one with these rhinestone skulls -- it's super cute -- but when I put in your credit card info it was like denied or some junk. So I guess you got a new card forgot to tell me. If you could just send that number over that'd be the R0XX0RZZ.

Kisses,

Fulgrim

Dear Fully

OMG can you believe how Anya made that comeback even AFTER she told the judges she wasn't happy with her collection! Lemme tell you boy dat Trini girl, she gonna be getting some big ups. BIG UPS.

Anyway, I won't keep you I know you have to get on your sexy nurse costume and head out.

Yours
Dad


++++++++++++++++++++

10 Print "We have returned with a new Codex"
20 Print "Our new Codex is invincible"
30 Print "You have hope to survive"
40 REM 4+ save on warriors? 5+ We'll be back? C'tan are just shards now? WTF? Seriously WTF?
50 REM Curse you Mat Ward!
60 Print "All weak fleshy ones will perish"
70 Print "Regards"
80 Print "Necron Lord 1001001"
90 Print "Ha. Ha. Ha."
100 Goto 90

Run

01010100 01101111 00100000 01110100 01101000 01100101 00100000 01100100 01100101 01100011 01100101 01101001 01110110 01100101 01110010 00101110 00100000 01000100 01101111 00100000 01101110 01101111 01110100 00100000 01101101 01100101 01110011 01110011 01100001 01100111 01100101 00100000 01101101 01100101 00100000 01100001 01100111 01100001 01101001 01101110 00100000 01101111 01110010 00100000 01001001 00100000 01110111 01101001 01101100 01101100 00100000 01101001 01101101 01110000 01110010 01101001 01110011 01101111 01101110 00100000 01111001 01101111 01110101 00100000 01110111 01101001 01110100 01101000 00100000 01110100 01101000 01100101 00100000 01100100 01110010 01100001 01100111 01101111 01101110 00100000 01101111 01101110 00100000 01001101 01100001 01110010 01110011 00101110 00100000 01010000 01101100 01110101 01110011 00100000 01111001 01101111 01110101 00100000 01101110 01100101 01100101 01100100 00100000 01110100 01101111 00100000 01110101 01110000 01100100 01100001 01110100 01100101 00100000 01111001 01101111 01110101 01110010 00100000 01100001 01101110 01110100 01101001 00101101 01110110 01101001 01110010 01110101 01110011 00100000 01111001 01101111 01110101 00100000 01101000 01100001 01110110 01100101 00100000 01100001 00100000 01110011 01100101 01110010 01101001 01101111 01110101 01110011 00100000 01100001 01101101 01101111 01110101 01101110 01110100 00100000 01101111 01100110 00100000 01110101 01110000 01100100 01100001 01110100 01100101 01110011 00100000 01110100 01101111 00100000 01100100 01101111 01110111 01101110 01101100 01101111 01100001 01100100 00101110 00100000 01010100 01100101 01101000 00100000 01000101 01101101 01110000 01110010 01100001 01101000 00001101 00001010 00001101 00001010 00001101 00001010

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Dear Emperor,
Why do red ones go faster?

Speedfreak

Coz I sayz so, and I iz da biggest and da baddast of all da humies, ya stinking grot!

Da Warboss Empra of humie kind

---------------------------------------------------------

Dear Emperor,

How come I never expect the inquisition?

Your Truly,

A heretic.

CthuluIsSpy wrote:C

Dear Emperor,

How come I never expect the inquisition?

Your Truly,

A heretic.

Dear Heretic

It is BECAUSE nobody expects them, and the fact that those dudes just roll like that.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Dear maggotlord of mankind.

I am writhing this letter to inform you, that I Trondheim have long fuled a brutal hatred towards you. I and several other other individuals swore allgiance to you, but what did I get in return..... Your socalled "Inqusition" accused me of heresy when I gassed an enthier hive, I mena it was not like the voices told me to do it, so can I get my Imperian citizinship back if you dont mind?

Yours hatefully

Bloodpact commander

Trondheim wrote:

CthuluIsSpy wrote:C

Dear Emperor,

How come I never expect the inquisition?

Your Truly,

A heretic.

Dear Heretic

It is BECAUSE nobody expects them, and the fact that those dudes just roll like that.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Dear maggotlord of mankind.

I am writhing this letter to inform you, that I Trondheim have long fuled a brutal hatred towards you. I and several other other individuals swore allgiance to you, but what did I get in return..... Your socalled "Inqusition" accused me of heresy when I gassed an enthier hive, I mena it was not like the voices told me to do it, so can I get my Imperian citizinship back if you dont mind?

Yours hatefully

Bloodpact commander

Dear Bloodpact Commander

Oh sure dude! just step on the big red X, kneel down and close your eyes. If you hear something that sounds like a bomb falling, don't worry, its just your citizenship.

Yours Truly,

Some guy who is definitely NOT an inquisitor.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Emperor,

I am really interested in this SoB. How can I get her attention?

Your truly,
A Noise Marine.

Dear Emperor,

I am really interested in this SoB. How can I get her attention?

Your truly,
A Noise Marine.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Noise Marine
You already have her attention, what with your heretical ways and general evilness. Don't worry though, the best way to show you care is (or so I have been told) to massacre her entire sisterhood and wear their blood as a talisman. That way she'll always be with you.
The Emperor.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear the Emperor.
I have been arrested by the Inquisition because they think I'm a heretic. I know they say innocence proves nothing, but could you put in a good word for me?
Trooper Jack.

CthuluIsSpy wrote:Dear Emperor,

I am really interested in this SoB. How can I get her attention?

Your truly,
A Noise Marine.

Word up Noise Marine, how's it hangin' dude?

So, you're rockin' the sister eh? G'won son of my son! Well, the chicks love a dude with nimble fingers, how 'bout you throw a party, get a load of the sisters over (and make sure you fill the room with hotter sisters, that way when you speak to her later she'll feel reeeeeal special ifyagetmameaning), get some of the boys together and throw out a totally rad solo? Nothing too crazy, try to keep it to an even 10 minutes long.

Just a word to the wise, make sure the Uriah creep doesn't get an invite, he's a bit of a douche.

OK, let's all remember how this works, ANSWER the question ABOVE, ASK a new question BELOW.

'kay?

mwnciboo wrote:01010100 01101111 00100000 01110100 01101000 01100101 00100000 01100100 01100101 01100011 01100101 01101001 01110110 01100101 01110010 00101110 00100000 01000100 01101111 00100000 01101110 01101111 01110100 00100000 01101101 01100101 01110011 01110011 01100001 01100111 01100101 00100000 01101101 01100101 00100000 01100001 01100111 01100001 01101001 01101110 00100000 01101111 01110010 00100000 01001001 00100000 01110111 01101001 01101100 01101100 00100000 01101001 01101101 01110000 01110010 01101001 01110011 01101111 01101110 00100000 01111001 01101111 01110101 00100000 01110111 01101001 01110100 01101000 00100000 01110100 01101000 01100101 00100000 01100100 01110010 01100001 01100111 01101111 01101110 00100000 01101111 01101110 00100000 01001101 01100001 01110010 01110011 00101110 00100000 01010000 01101100 01110101 01110011 00100000 01111001 01101111 01110101 00100000 01101110 01100101 01100101 01100100 00100000 01110100 01101111 00100000 01110101 01110000 01100100 01100001 01110100 01100101 00100000 01111001 01101111 01110101 01110010 00100000 01100001 01101110 01110100 01101001 00101101 01110110 01101001 01110010 01110101 01110011 00100000 01111001 01101111 01110101 00100000 01101000 01100001 01110110 01100101 00100000 01100001 00100000 01110011 01100101 01110010 01101001 01101111 01110101 01110011 00100000 01100001 01101101 01101111 01110101 01101110 01110100 00100000 01101111 01100110 00100000 01110101 01110000 01100100 01100001 01110100 01100101 01110011 00100000 01110100 01101111 00100000 01100100 01101111 01110111 01101110 01101100 01101111 01100001 01100100 00101110 00100000 01010100 01100101 01101000 00100000 01000101 01101101 01110000 01110010 01100001 01101000 00001101 00001010 00001101 00001010 00001101 00001010

You sir are evil.

(decode)
To the deceiver. Do not message me again or I will imprison you with the dragon on Mars. Plus you need to update your anti-virus you have a serious amount of updates to download. Teh Emprah

Durza wrote:
Dear the Emperor.
I have been arrested by the Inquisition because they think I'm a heretic. I know they say innocence proves nothing, but could you put in a good word for me?
Trooper Jack.

Dear Trooper Jack,

I am greatly disturbed by this news, you have always served me faithfully and I remember well your heroism in the Battle of Skull Island, the Clash at Skull Pass and the Invasion of Fortress Skull. Surely there is nothing to this charges and it will soon be cleared-

Oh wait Trooper JACK? From the 181 Necromundan Spiders? Sorry I thought you were Trooper Jacque from the 320 Armaggedon Motorized Brigade.

Yeah, you're a heretic.

Just because you do it under the covers after lights out does not mean I can't see you.

Burn forever
The Emporer of Purity and Righteousness
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Dear the Space Emporer of Spacial Imperialism

Why did you change your logo and website? I liked it the way it was. I hate and fear change.

Yours
Disguntled User

Dear the Space Emporer of Spacial Imperialism

Why did you change your logo and website? I liked it the way it was. I hate and fear change.

Yours
Disguntled User
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
change, what is this change, i didn't authorise it but then high lord M. Ward of the OPfluffatorium has been making a few unpopular choices lately - calls vindicare - deal with it -
to question me is heresy but ward is not me so feel free to kill him
yours R.J. Emperor

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Dear dad,

I know that it's been a while since I wrote but your pal draigo was very rude to me the other night. He smashed through my bodyguard and carved his old bosses name on my heart!!! could you please have a word with him

your mostly rotten and hypocritical son
Mortarian

p.s. can I borrow a few custodes?

Dear dad,

I know that it's been a while since I wrote but your pal draigo was very rude to me the other night. He smashed through my bodyguard and carved his old bosses name on my heart!!! could you please have a word with him

your mostly rotten and hypocritical son
Mortarian

p.s. can I borrow a few custodes?
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mortarion,
Much as I'd like to help you, Draigo is a force far beyond my control. The dark powers of the god Fanboius have imbued him with too much strength for me to quench.

Dad.

PS, no.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Space Emperor,
Could you tell us who would win between you and Darth Vadar, and the Imperium and the Empire? It seems to come up a lot in conversation and I'd like a definite answer.

Confused on Cadia

Durza wrote:

Dear Space Emperor,
Could you tell us who would win between you and Darth Vadar, and the Imperium and the Empire? It seems to come up a lot in conversation and I'd like a definite answer.

Confused on Cadia

Dear cunfused On Cadia.
You do realise that this is a real no brainer, I assume that even a Cadian has one of those? Me and Darth are best buds, he has magical hands..... And for the second bit. The Emperium has Mateus Wardius, the Galatic Emperie has not.

Yours Orgasmatronly

Big E

------------------------------------------------------

To whom this may concern.

Dear sir, I am writhing to inform you that the Galatic Court of appeals has recived a class lawsuit against you, deliverd by a mr. Abadon, he claims you have on several occations used hired help to obstruct his legal claims to the galacy. you have five days to appear before this court.

High Judge Dread

Dear High Judge Dread,
This Abaddon should be called "Abandon" he always does this! He has invaded my personal property 13 times and each time I have chased him off, he has broken his restraining order numerous times as well. He is not allowed to leave the eye or come within 10,000 light years of terra. I am fed up with this purile, stalker freak and as the Legal system has failed, I will be pursuing him by my own personal brand of justice.
Furthermore I do not recognise your authority to summon me. I personally hate Lawyers and all that you stand for making money off my Grimdark empire, So GTFO of my Galaxy unless you would like a personal visit from a member of the Inquistion. Fething Litigation culture, it's the cancer killing my Imperium from within.

Yours uncaring

Teh E

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Emperor Beloved by all,

A small strike Cruiser has come out of the Warp in the Ultramar sector. It is full of Pre-Heresy Word Bearers!! They believe they have been in the Warp for a year, they were a bit shocked by the idea that 10,000 years have passed (I haven't told them what happened during the Heresy yet! No idea how I am going to handle that conversation). Anyway what the hell am I to do with these guys, they are asking permission to rejoin Lorgars Fleet.

Yours anxiously

Marneus Calgar
Ultrasmurf leader and Boss man.

mwnciboo wrote:

Dear Emperor Beloved by all,

A small strike Cruiser has come out of the Warp in the Ultramar sector. It is full of Pre-Heresy Word Bearers!! They believe they have been in the Warp for a year, they were a bit shocked by the idea that 10,000 years have passed (I haven't told them what happened during the Heresy yet! No idea how I am going to handle that conversation). Anyway what the hell am I to do with these guys, they are asking permission to rejoin Lorgars Fleet.

Yours anxiously

Marneus Calgar
Ultrasmurf leader and Boss man.

"Dear" Calgar

Really? I figured you would know what to do with a ship filled with heretics! PURGE WITH FIRE! Like now!

Your purgingly

The Emperator of purgin

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

To whom this may regard : Dear sir, I am writhing to inform you that a group of individuals calling themself Inqusitors attemted to purge a certain High Judge Dread. They are now in custody awating trial, they have asked if you can post bail.

Yours truly

Horus E Ariman
High court of the Galaxy

Dear Mr Ariman.
Clearly if you captured them, they're not very good at their job. Let them rot in jail for all I care. And Malcador still won't let me have the money.
The one whom it concerns.
------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Dead guy.
Cadia is ours!
Signed: the Traitors.

To the Traitors,
You really think you out manoeuvred CREED? Guess again fools,

The Big E

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Emperor,
How do I become a Rogue Trader?

Yours

Dave the trucker.

mwnciboo wrote:
---------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Emperor,
How do I become a Rogue Trader?

Yours

Dave the trucker.

Well first you need to call 1800-555-AVON and sign up to be one of their independent sales representatives. Then invite your friends over for a little party, show them what options there are, how make up can improve their looks and even their self confidence. Soon you'll find you're making a tidy sum and you've become a real rogue tra-

What?

R-O-U-G-E trader? Are you sure.

Oh my bad. Never mind then.

Yours
Space Emporer of Space I

------------------------------------------------------

Dear Editor in Chief Teh Emporer,

I don't get it, I just don't get it. I mean it was a full reboot with TV ads and everything. 52 new #1s! DCU Year 0! A fresh start!

They could have done anything! ANYTHING!

So what do they do... Aquaman in the Justice League. Frigging Aquaman. I mean his powers are swimming and talking to fish. Well you know who else can do that? EVERYONE! Hello fishy, how are you, nice water today huh? Why not put in Animal Man who has the powers of EVERY ANIMAL? Or Vixen who has the powers of EVERY ANIMAL PLUS SUPERMODEL HAWTNESS? Or Guy Gardner who's like Hal Jordon but has a personality? Or for FETHS SAKE if you need a water character why not MERA! She has all of Aquaman's powers PLUS controls water PLUS SUPERMODEL REDHEAD HAWTNESS!

Why? Seriously? Why?

Yours
Vexed in Metropolis

Dear Space Emperor...

Are there xenos hotdogs and xenos pizza in the universe.

DreadlordME! wrote:Dear Space Emperor...

Are there xenos hotdogs and xenos pizza in the universe.

Dear anonymous writer:

Xenos pizza is heresy! I challenge you to find even one race that can make Supreme Pizza with M&Ms as well as I can... My servants can... Whatever.

I am partial to Tau Tofu though. They sure grind up well to make a great Tofu wiener. If there's one thing that goes great with Space Sports and a foam powerfist, it's a hot, greasy, space wiener.

Signed,

#1 Space Emprah in Space

Kid_Kyoto wrote:Dear Editor in Chief Teh Emporer,

I don't get it, I just don't get it. I mean it was a full reboot with TV ads and everything. 52 new #1s! DCU Year 0! A fresh start!

They could have done anything! ANYTHING!

So what do they do... Aquaman in the Justice League. Frigging Aquaman. I mean his powers are swimming and talking to fish. Well you know who else can do that? EVERYONE! Hello fishy, how are you, nice water today huh? Why not put in Animal Man who has the powers of EVERY ANIMAL? Or Vixen who has the powers of EVERY ANIMAL PLUS SUPERMODEL HAWTNESS? Or Guy Gardner who's like Hal Jordon but has a personality? Or for FETHS SAKE if you need a water character why not MERA! She has all of Aquaman's powers PLUS controls water PLUS SUPERMODEL REDHEAD HAWTNESS!

Why? Seriously? Why?

Yours
Vexed in Metropolis

Oh man, I wish I could help you with that, but you see, it all comes down to the quotas. Why do you think we need Wonder Woman? Same thing for Cyborg and we had enough trouble with him, since he's mostly silver. So people put on the preasure. We just can't afford to lose the undersea market. Just don't ask me how they can read that stuff down there.

And Guy Gardner is only fun if you don't have to hang out with him. Just ask Batman.

Editor in Chief Teh Emporer

---------------------------------

Dear Emporer of the Space,

why do people hate me so much?

Down in Nottingham, Matt

Dear Matt-

Because you are Chaos scum.

Dear Emperor-

Why are you so angry? Ever tried meds?

Dear Anonymous,
TRY BEING STRAPPED INTO A FETHING CHAIR FOR 10,000 YEARS!!!!!

Teh Big E

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Emperor,
I have a new film out, and I am so like cool. I would invite you to come and see it but you are chair bound freak and you are simply not cool enough for me and my EMO groupies. I also want you to say that you have totally ripped our franchise off with Space Wolves and Blood Angels. I wish you would die...

Robert Pattison
Galaxy's biggest tool, douche bagl and B'movie actor

mwnciboo wrote:

Dear Emperor,
I have a new film out, and I am so like cool. I would invite you to come and see it but you are chair bound freak and you are simply not cool enough for me and my EMO groupies. I also want you to say that you have totally ripped our franchise off with Space Wolves and Blood Angels. I wish you would die...

Robert Pattison
Galaxy's biggest tool, douche bagl and B'movie actor

Say Zombified remains of Malcador the Sigillite, did you just hear something?

No?

Me neither.

Y'know why?

Cause this cheerleader chick from California turned Robert Pattison into dust 40,000 years ago!

Haw! how do you like them apples?

Emp out!

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Hey boss!

How's things on Holy Terra? Just to keep you up to date we ended the asteroid miner strike in the Betacaratine Belt last week by addressing their legitimate health and safety concerns and punishing the crooked manager who was skimming their pension fund. We had to discipline two of the foremen though, we downgraded them 2 pay grades and assigned them to the graveyard shift. We also took care of the deamon infestation on Lucus Prime. Turns out it was just old Mrs. McCleary in a demon mask trying to scare everyone off so she could buy up the planet cheap.

Anyway when I got home I found my family finally joined the 41st Millennium by getting some of those fancy new intertubes installed at home. Now thanks to those tubes we can have message capsules arrive right at home through pneumatic mail or pmail. We can even post messages to bulletin board systems.

Well I went and signed up for a Space Marine BBS and was shocked at what I saw. People saying there's no such thing as female marines, that marines don't have kids, even that male marines have their private parts removed. I have to say I got a good laugh out of that. I mean really, this Imperium of ours has endured 10,000 years, how do they think we've kept going so long without ensuring that the bloodlines of your most loyal and capable servants continue? I know certain sticking the mud chapters (*cough*ultras*cough*) can't get with the times but seriously they're just a time minority.

And I think my wife Sister-Captain Sally or my kids little Timmy and Stacy would be pretty shocked to find out I'm not married, don't have private parts and my wife is not a Space Marine!

So do you think I should correct them or let them wallow in their ignorance?

Yours
Brother Captain Tim Cleaver and
Sister Captain Sally Cleaver

3rd and 4th Company
The Emperor's Well-Adjusted Angels

Dear Brother Captain Cleaver,

Okay. This is going to be tricky. You guys are great, really. You, Sally, and the kids have everything I always wanted for humanity by M42. But after my little ... falling out with Horus, a lot changed. Sacrifices had to be made, you see. If even Horus could be so ... recalcitrant then who could I trust? Space Marines couldn't be allowed to breed, well, willy nilly, building up these giant Legions, if the inevitable result was trying to roll my crib.

So. We did some tests and found that femarines were actually slightly smarter then manmarines. By eliminating them, my adepts estimated we'd reduce the risk of another Horus Heresy by 53%. Sally and your daughters are among the very last of them and so far as nearly every human being is concerned, femarines are totally fictional. The entire Imperium now actually believes that Sanguinia was a very pretty man called Sanguinius. Only the Dark Angels, once nearly all femarines, preserve any memory of the old times by wearing dresses into battle.

As for the consequences ... The current process for creating space marines is to perform a few dozen surgeries on otherwise normal human beings. Gene therapy, organ implants, and a strict policy of mandatory castration -- sometimes chemical, sometimes surgical -- this is how we've been doing it for ages now. The surgeries are accompanied by a bevvy of psychological conditioning that renders the subject unable to do much more than kill while screaming "for the Emperor."

I know this is hard for you to hear. And you must be asking what your own life has meant these past ten thousand years. The answer is simple: propaganda. We were desperate after the Heresy to rehabilitate the good name of space marines. The public were afraid of you at that point and merchandising revenues were at an all-time low. So we created the Cleaver family and the Emperor's Well-Adjusted Angels and made for you an artificial world, a world that could be broadcast to every end of the Imperium showing what humanity was really meant to be -- the Human Show.

But things were so different after the Heresy. People didn't want hope anymore. They became enamored of violence and superstition. Before the first episode was ever aired, studio adepts forecasted abysmal ratings. In this grim darkness, Tim, there was no room for the Emperor's Well-Adjusted Angels. Everything had changed and in the meantime we forgot about so many of our dreams and ideals. It was all swept up in the ashen winds of never-ending warfare. The truth is, we forgot about you. And I, the God Emperor of Mankind, forgot about you.

But thanks for your email.

Sincerely,

Easy E

+ + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + +

Dear Space Emperor,

Ever since I was little my parents have forced me to go to your church. But I really don't get it. I mean, are you God or what? I asked some Sisters of Battle and they said you were but then I asked some Space Marines and they said you weren't. And who's this Omnissiah they're talking about across the street at the other church? I mean the one that has the skull and the gear, not the one with the skull and the big capital I. One of the guys who goes there (you know, the ones in the red dresses) he said you were the Omnissiah but then his buddy was all like "no he's not." And they got into it and there was something about a dragon but I couldn't follow it at all.

I don't know what to believe about all this so I'm hoping you can clear it up for me. Also, I've been pretty good this year and I'd like a Xbox for Empramas please.

Sincerely,

Tommy

Dear Tommy

I am your god! If you refuse to obey I shall eat your mother! All of the people you talked to are idiots. I am the leader of the imperium.

Yours Truly

EMPRAH!

Dear Mr Emperor,

We've been learning about IG recruitment at Space Scouts today. I really wanna join, but I accidentally shot another kid's eye out. I then proceeded to slaughter everyone in the room and start drinking their bloods. When I talked to the Space Nuns about this they went away for a bit. One came back with a Bolt Pistol and I bit her arm off. I then went home and I had horns growing out of my head! Why is this happening to me?

Johnny Beckweiser