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Why do I keep stopping this thread dead? I'm sorry, OK!

Dear Good Sir,

I have, as a greenskin, encountered my fair share of hostilities over the course of my life. This is inevitable.
However, the amount of outright racism I have recieved from members of your own Imperial Guard is staggering. They lump me in with the minority of Orks who are, in fact, violent and unintelligent. Needless to say, this is a ridiculous stereotype.
The vast majority of my Orkoid race are capable of reading and writing to a high standard and control ourselves in public; I myself run a finishing school on an asteroid above Armageddon. Likewise, the outcasts of our species who are brutal alcoholics do not represent the majority.

Therefore, I believe that the education among Imperial worlds should be raised to the standard of Ork education. Children should be tought not to judge races as a whole, but as individuals. The loudmouthed few do not represent us as a species and this must be told to the children of the Imperium if such hatred is to be stamped out. It is imperative that the future of our two races should not be one of cooperation and peace if we are both to prosper. In our current state, the tension between us would rise to the point of rioting and racial war. Racism can not and will not ever lead to happiness.
To quote a great man of Terra's early days, I dream of a future where we will not be judged by the colour of their skin but by the content of our character.
Sincerely,

Groygurtz Zogbrain
Headmaster, Zogbrain's WAAAAGH! of Formal Education
_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Mr. Zogbrain

You quote terran greats yet you have nothing to show us. You write to us acting all high and mighty about not being racist but these are not and I must stress this not acts of racism. You would do well to research your history. it shows as my Great Crusade expanded outward we encountered many Aliens. At first we brought offers of peace and friendship to them, and these races included many of your kind. Yet every time we encountered your people we were attacked by this so-called minority and as a result we defended oursleves. Having only encountered this type of Ork we ahve issued statements that they must be crushed like you would crush a violent aggresive who needs to be controlled in efforts of peace. Now we would like you to send us Co-ordinates to these planets that the Majority of Ork populations reside so we can pay you a friendly visit
Signed
The Emperor of Terra
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Agony Emperor,
I am but a simple Grox Farmer. I have lived throughout your glorious Imperium yet disaster always seems to follow me.
Any land I seem to buy -whether on Tanith, Terra or even Cadia- seems either to be destroyed through a failing in Imperial battle plans or requsitioned by the so-called Holy Ordos.
In addition to this massive problem all my family were press ganged into the Navy and most of my herd were as well.
I feel cheated and down trodden by this discrimination an would like an apology and a decent compensation settlement.
Yours Faithfully
Jonas Quin

Dear Agony Emperor,
I am but a simple Grox Farmer. I have lived throughout your glorious Imperium yet disaster always seems to follow me.
Any land I seem to buy -whether on Tanith, Terra or even Cadia- seems either to be destroyed through a failing in Imperial battle plans or requsitioned by the so-called Holy Ordos.
In addition to this massive problem all my family were press ganged into the Navy and most of my herd were as well.
I feel cheated and down trodden by this discrimination an would like an apology and a decent compensation settlement.
Yours Faithfully
Jonas Quin
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Jonas,

While our deepest sympathies go to you and your family, we regret to tell you that we can't help you here. You see, this war, despite the unity and jobs it provides, is greatly straining the economy. Budget cuts mean that our organisations are forced to conscript humble citizens of the Imperium in to service, and, as they will never return home, their livestock and possessions are salvaged. If we did not do this, the forces of the Imperium would be swept aside and the smurfs would have no opportunity to jump in and take all the credit.

Teh Sphess Muhreen Sphess Emprah of Teh Sphess Impreel Empire of Sphess (had to one up you Kyoto )
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Teh Sphess Muhreen Sphess Emprah of Teh Sphess Impreel Empire of Sphess,

I have recently joined a football team (and I say football, not "soccer" as those annoying Segmentum Pacificus people call it), Mordian United, and am soon going to join a major intergalactic league, but have found that I can't get the media off my backs, who are constantly giving me bad rep. This means I will never join the ranks of the Greatest Players of Segmentum Obscurus and I think my skills are sufficient that I should be allowed to join this list. How can I achieve the representaton I deserve? Also, what is the best method of creating a fake bruise?
Faithfully,

Sphess Wheyne Rooneh of Sphess Planet Sphess

Dear Teh Sphess Muhreen Sphess Emprah of Teh Sphess Impreel Empire of Sphess,

I have recently joined a football team (and I say football, not "soccer" as those annoying Segmentum Pacificus people call it), Mordian United, and am soon going to join a major intergalactic league, but have found that I can't get the media off my backs, who are constantly giving me bad rep. This means I will never join the ranks of the Greatest Players of Segmentum Obscurus and I think my skills are sufficient that I should be allowed to join this list. How can I achieve the representaton I deserve? Also, what is the best method of creating a fake bruise?
Faithfully,

Sphess Wheyne Rooneh of Sphess Planet Sphess
_______________________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Sphess Wheyne Rooneh of Sphess Planet Sphess,

1) Play a more manly sport, like Bloodbowl
2) Eyeshadow

Yours Truly!
IMPERATOR
__________________________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Emperor of all the Imperium,
I just joined the USMC and I have to get my hair cut in, what my sergeant calls, a "Marine Proper Format." I'm not too keen on my choices. It seems I can go "bald and screaming" or I have to get a "Marine Fade." What I really wanted to know is, can I have a Mohawk? Not one of those spiky ones as portrayed by the ancient musical quartet "Those Who Are Exploited" but the style portrayed by the classical thespian Roberto De Nero in his seminal role "He Who Drives Taxis." I understand that this hairstyle was actually in vogue with scouts during the time of Hive Fleet Behemoth. Do you think I can bring it back?

Sincerely,
Folically Concerned

PS I won't try and bring back the puffy scout sleeves, promise.

robertsjf wrote:Dear Emperor of all the Imperium,
I just joined the USMC and I have to get my hair cut in, what my sergeant calls, a "Marine Proper Format." I'm not too keen on my choices. It seems I can go "bald and screaming" or I have to get a "Marine Fade." What I really wanted to know is, can I have a Mohawk? Not one of those spiky ones as portrayed by the ancient musical quartet "Those Who Are Exploited" but the style portrayed by the classical thespian Roberto De Nero in his seminal role "He Who Drives Taxis." I understand that this hairstyle was actually in vogue with scouts during the time of Hive Fleet Behemoth. Do you think I can bring it back?

Sincerely,
Folically Concerned

PS I won't try and bring back the puffy scout sleeves, promise.

Dear Folically Concerned,

Unfortunately, the Mohawk is not approved within the Codex Astartes. While it was a really cool haircut for highly motivated servants of the Imperium in the early years, it has since become associated with the enemies of Man. It is particularly associated with the servants of Slaanesh, with whom my son, Roboute, had some really embarrassing experiences at summer camp. There lie the seeds of the current ban. Now that you have your answer, I'm afraid that you know too much. By the time you finish reading this sentence, there should be several marines in shiny metal armor appearing nearby. Fear not! They just want to mind wipe you. If you're lucky they won't violate you before the process begins. Sorry, but they've been really undisciplined since Matt Ward changed their fluff.

He who sits on the Throne of Terra (and wishes he could manipulate his holy golden X-Box 360 controller...damn you, Horus!)
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Emperor,

I've noticed that your space marines keep growing in size. They used to be just around 7 feet high but now I hear they are at least 9 and sometimes even 10 feet tall!!! Is there some special medical treatment or nutritional supplement in vogue now within the chapters of your most powerful and noble servants??

Cheers!

Nudley of Planet Seven

JB
Dear Emperor,

I've noticed that your space marines keep growing in size. They used to be just around 7 feet high but now I hear they are at least 9 and sometimes even 10 feet tall!!! Is there some special medical treatment or nutritional supplement in vogue now within the chapters of your most powerful and noble servants??

Cheers!

Nudley of Planet Seven

Dear Nudley,
It appears that you have discovered a problem that I have been unable to warn anyone about for many years. You see, as the future of humanity, I am the reference point given to evolution for all future humans. However, a side effect of my incarceration in the golden throne is a profound inability to walk. Evolution therefore is taking measures to prevent all other future humans from walking, reducing the size of their feet until they will eventually be non-existent. Sphess marines are not growing; the size of a foot is shrinking. Tell anyone and you die.
Your almightily ovelording overlord of Sphess, grand Sphess ruler of humans in and around Sphess and the mightiest being to ever occupy Sphess, the Sphess Emprah of Sphess.

Dear Sphess Emprah,
It has come to my attention that you and your family are in dire need of a counseling session or two. Registrations are completely anonymous, and we will not share any personal details unless you allow us to, but it is our goal to fix every disfunctional family in the galaxy, one at a time. Besides, it could help you to focus on more important matters that are vital to the survival of the human race. Simply bring along your entire family (we will pay transportation and/or resurrection fees) and come in for a helpful guidance session that should remove all conflicts and tensions in your family.
Susan Bloggs, Chairwoman of the galactic counseling committee.

Dear Sphess Emprah,
It has come to my attention that you and your family are in dire need of a counseling session or two. Registrations are completely anonymous, and we will not share any personal details unless you allow us to, but it is our goal to fix every disfunctional family in the galaxy, one at a time. Besides, it could help you to focus on more important matters that are vital to the survival of the human race. Simply bring along your entire family (we will pay transportation and/or resurrection fees) and come in for a helpful guidance session that should remove all conflicts and tensions in your family.
Susan Bloggs, Chairwoman of the galactic counseling committee.

Problems? What problems? Sure half my kids turned to demon worship and ended up killing off the other half.

And that's without even mentioning the S****i who even I'm not allowed to talk about.

But really so my sons who I personally genetically engineered turned on me and betrayed me and almost destroyed the Space Universe and almost killed me and left me trapped on this rotten throne for the rest of my immortal life. So? It's not like I can't handle it! I can handle anything! I... I'm the Emporer of Space! Like a million billion people love me! I don't need Horus and the rest, I don't! Honest!

I... I'm just going to snuggle with my blanket now. And order exterminus on any planet starting wtih the letter H.

But I'm OK.

Really.

John Q Space Emporer

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

My most holy master of mankind

As the guardian of the Sacred Shrine of the Space Emporer's Second Cousin Claude I recently decided to increase our defenses in light of Ork incurssions in our area.

However when I requested a force of Adeptus Soritas or 'Battle Sisters' to help secure the Shrine I learned they would cost me over 1000 Starbucks! And my comrade on the Southern Continent was told it would cost him over 2700 Starbucks!

Why just one Seraphim runs me 12 Starbucks!

How can this be? Why are Battle Sisters so expensive all of the sudden?

So I asked if I could just have one squad that would act as allies to my Imperial Guard force and was told, quite rudely, they no longer do that. I brought it up with my friend the Inquisitor and he said the Battle Sisters won't even talk to him anymore!

What happened?

Your obidient Servant
Brother Humble
Guardian of the Sacred Shrine of the Space Emporer's Second Cousin Claude

Kid_Kyoto wrote:

My most holy master of mankind

As the guardian of the Sacred Shrine of the Space Emporer's Second Cousin Claude I recently decided to increase our defenses in light of Ork incurssions in our area.

However when I requested a force of Adeptus Soritas or 'Battle Sisters' to help secure the Shrine I learned they would cost me over 1000 Starbucks! And my comrade on the Southern Continent was told it would cost him over 2700 Starbucks!

Why just one Seraphim runs me 12 Starbucks!

How can this be? Why are Battle Sisters so expensive all of the sudden?

So I asked if I could just have one squad that would act as allies to my Imperial Guard force and was told, quite rudely, they no longer do that. I brought it up with my friend the Inquisitor and he said the Battle Sisters won't even talk to him anymore!

What happened?

Your obidient Servant
Brother Humble
Guardian of the Sacred Shrine of the Space Emporer's Second Cousin Claude

Well Brother HUmble where to start?

Point 1: I am not familiar with these 'starbucks' you refer to unless it is a Xenos currency in which case possession of it is a cpital offence. To clarify imperial currency is Imperial Thrones and Crowns
Point 2: all this whining and moaning isn't very humble.
Point 3: The Sisters of BAttle are under going a management change and as a result they are all being retrained which incurs re-training costs and due to several incidents with randy Imperial Guardsmen they are not longer allowed near one.
Point 4: Claude doesn't really deserve a shrine, go defend Cadia or Armageddon or somewhere else important

Yours sincerely

The God of Mankind
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Dear Holy Emperor

I have recently been having trouble with my sons. Both are of the age where they ahve to be conscripted in atleast the PDF yet neither will acknowledge this. One aspires to be a clerical adept and the other (This ones a bit brain damaged) thinks he can be a Space MArine.
What advice do you have to offer my two boys?

Yours Sincerly

A Worried Father
CAdia

"Dear Holy Emperor

I have recently been having trouble with my sons. Both are of the age where they ahve to be conscripted in atleast the PDF yet neither will acknowledge this. One aspires to be a clerical adept and the other (This ones a bit brain damaged) thinks he can be a Space MArine.
What advice do you have to offer my two boys?

Yours Sincerly

A Worried Father
CAdia "

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Loyal Subject:

Fear not, Your children will all serve the Empire. Your first son should not concern himself with what he wants to do however. He will be assigned to whatever job we decide. Your other son however is almost bordering on a delusional heresy. He in certainly not worthy of joining my great Astartes. The chapters cull the greatest fighters from many worlds, and even then many die in training. Whatever jobs are decided for them, you shall remember that they are doing their duty to the Empire and to Holy Terra.

The Holy God Emperor of Terra
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Dear Emperor,

I've been cheating on my gf, whom I am still crazy about, for a while now. I've had wild hookups with other girls. Sometimes while I'm deployed offworld I get lonely. Is it still cheating if I'm not having a full affair? Or is slaanesh trying to lure me away from my true love?

Dear Emperor,

I've been cheating on my gf, whom I am still crazy about, for a while now. I've had wild hookups with other girls. Sometimes while I'm deployed offworld I get lonely. Is it still cheating if I'm not having a full affair? Or is slaanesh trying to lure me away from my true love?

THAT IS EXACTLY IT!
You will be terminated for heresy.
The E.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------=----------------------------------------------------------

Dear Emperor,

Why U No Like Me?!?!
sincerely, Mr. Heretical WhyUNoGuy

Dear Mr Spess Emprah,

We at TerrEx have derivery for you, you were out at time of first visit. We be advised you are responsible for all taxes payable relating to this derivery, please can you contact us with the following information so that we may re-book derivery for you:

- Full Name
- Date of birth
- Address
- Job title
- Length of service
- Telephone number
- Credit card details

Best regards,

TerrEx Derivery Services (Int Glctc)

Dear Mr Spess Emprah,

We at TerrEx have derivery for you, you were out at time of first visit. We be advised you are responsible for all taxes payable relating to this derivery, please can you contact us with the following information so that we may re-book derivery for you:

- Full Name
- Date of birth
- Address
- Job title
- Length of service
- Telephone number
- Credit card details

Best regards,
(Int Glctc)

Dear TerrEx Derivery Services

R.J Emperor MCCLXXXXVIII
38,000 years BH (before the horus heresy)
11 Golden Throne Lane, Imperial Dungeon, the Himalayas, EMP3 R0R, Terra, the heart of the Imperium
The Boss of Everything
48,000 years
0123 334 6654
I can't quite reach my pocket, just a litle further -falls off throne- dammit
Please send all mail to Titan for destruction

yours
.J Emperor


Dear Mr Space Emperor,

Me and the rest of team Dante have been having a bit of a moral dilemma, you see the whole xenophbic policy is great and all but last week, we were killin some 'crons when the 'nids just swarmed in so we tag teamed with the 'crons then squished the nids and well we did some things I'm not proud of. are we heretics and do we really need to be so Xenophbobic?
Yours J.B Hoax

Dear Mr Space Emperor,

Me and the rest of team Dante have been having a bit of a moral dilemma, you see the whole xenophbic policy is great and all but last week, we were killin some 'crons when the 'nids just swarmed in so we tag teamed with the 'crons then squished the nids and well we did some things I'm not proud of. are we heretics and do we really need to be so Xenophbobic?
Yours J.B Hoax

Of course not! Time and space has just been effected by this newly created Chaos God named "Matt Ward" whom bends facts into utter Bull sh*t to destroy the universe. Blame not your selves, blame Matt Ward.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear sphess emprah,
Why You No reply?!?!?
Sincerely, Mr. HereticalWhyYouNoGuy.

Warlord Gazghkull Thraka wrote:Dear sphess emprah,
Why You No reply?!?!?
Sincerely, Mr. HereticalWhyYouNoGuy.

Dear Mr. HereticalWhyYouNoGuy:

You've not received your reply yet, I am quite shocked. Please fill in the following data and your reply will be personally delivered by agents of the Holy Inqui-Postman, the Holy Postman. Yes. That's it.

Name:
Address or lair:
Current Planet:
Distinguishing marks or mutations:
Toughness:
Armor Save:
Check as many as apply:
Enemy within __
Enemy without __
Enemy beyond __

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Honey, it's me Saint Cestine the Hieromartyr of the Palantine Crusade, you know, YOUR GIRLFRIEND!

And honey you're not going to believe what happened. For the last few weeks I was cleansing filth from the corners of the galaxy and mending tears in the space-time continum. But when I returned to Cadia to resupply one of those guys from the Ordo Nova Codex was waiting for me.

Naturally I was overjoyed, I don't mention it much but I've not gotten a new codex in almost 10 years and some of my Sisters are wearing armor older than they are.

Well the Nova Codex guy calls us over and the first thing he does is he tells Agnes (Note - Probably refers to Inquisitor Donatella Isabella Angelicus of the Ordo Heredicus) that she either has to transfer to the Grey Knights or convert into a Preacher.

Then he tells Steve and the boys (Note - probably refers to Brother Stephan Infernus Fidelus of the Fraternus Militia) they're fired. And I don't mean fired up! I mean fired! Let go!

Then he tells Mike and his boys (Note - probably refers to Sgt Mikheil Vladimus of the Inquisitorial Storm Troopers) that he has to transfer to the Grey Knights as a henchman or get a job with the Imperial Guard.

Well I was flabergasted! You know I need Steve and his lads to act as a tarpit unit with their evicerators, and Mike's plasma guns are great fire support, and poor Agnes was inconsolable, I don't know what I'll do without her Iron Will to back up our morale.

Then he starts going through everyone's wargear, taking away Sally's evicerator (Note - probably refers to Sister Superior Victoria Salvatore), telling Al and the boys (Note - probably refers to Archeoflaggelent Alpha 6-B) they can't have power weapons and talking all kinds of nonsesence about our faith points.

Well I told him to show me this 'new codex' and he whips out some silly magazine with like an Ogryn on the cover.

Now obviously this is a big mistake but could you please call the Ordo Nova Codex and tell them to lay off!

Yours
Saint Celestine

Kid_Kyoto wrote:
Honey, it's me Saint Cestine the Hieromartyr of the Palantine Crusade, you know, YOUR GIRLFRIEND!

And honey you're not going to believe what happened. For the last few weeks I was cleansing filth from the corners of the galaxy and mending tears in the space-time continum. But when I returned to Cadia to resupply one of those guys from the Ordo Nova Codex was waiting for me.

Naturally I was overjoyed, I don't mention it much but I've not gotten a new codex in almost 10 years and some of my Sisters are wearing armor older than they are.

Well the Nova Codex guy calls us over and the first thing he does is he tells Agnes (Note - Probably refers to Inquisitor Donatella Isabella Angelicus of the Ordo Heredicus) that she either has to transfer to the Grey Knights or convert into a Preacher.

Then he tells Steve and the boys (Note - probably refers to Brother Stephan Infernus Fidelus of the Fraternus Militia) they're fired. And I don't mean fired up! I mean fired! Let go!

Then he tells Mike and his boys (Note - probably refers to Sgt Mikheil Vladimus of the Inquisitorial Storm Troopers) that he has to transfer to the Grey Knights as a henchman or get a job with the Imperial Guard.

Well I was flabergasted! You know I need Steve and his lads to act as a tarpit unit with their evicerators, and Mike's plasma guns are great fire support, and poor Agnes was inconsolable, I don't know what I'll do without her Iron Will to back up our morale.

Then he starts going through everyone's wargear, taking away Sally's evicerator (Note - probably refers to Sister Superior Victoria Salvatore), telling Al and the boys (Note - probably refers to Archeoflaggelent Alpha 6-B) they can't have power weapons and talking all kinds of nonsesence about our faith points.

Well I told him to show me this 'new codex' and he whips out some silly magazine with like an Ogryn on the cover.

Now obviously this is a big mistake but could you please call the Ordo Nova Codex and tell them to lay off!

Yours
Saint Celestine

Oh Cel,
Isn't martyrdom your thing? What greater martyrdom is to be had than enduring this new codex?

In love, E.

ordo nova codex is Not an organization of the imperial throne and thus , we , the master of mankind , in our benevolence grant every citizen the right to purge these heretical outcasts . Decreed on the 1st day of the year M42.
Signed Emporer of spaace.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

All hail our magnificent leader, our god emporer who guides us through space ( and time, and ...)

Dear Omnissiah,
thine is the machine to grant us victory over the xeno scum, the mutant and the traitor.

But lately we have run into a little problem. Nothing big, mind you, we are still happy your loyal servants brought to us the unleasher of death, the executor of false hopes, the launcher of assaults. <s> For the first week. </s>
And then it began. The engineseer hit the rune of awakening and the word was given. How could we be so unaware of the consequences?
Enjoyment was ours as the foul mutants draw their last breath under the relentless streak of missiles from your PRAETOR ARMORED ASSAULT LAUNCHER. Praises on our lips we charged and the day was yours.
But it didn't end. There was no end to this. The Praetor launched armored assault after armored assault..and again and again...


So currently, we have a conflict with 2 eldar craftworlds , 3 ork empires , a wild bunch of speed freaks , attracted a nid fleet , are still tied in the struggle against chaos in this sector but now with more CSM than you can shake a stick at , awakened some metallic creatures with greenish glowing eyes , accidently annihilated this expedition of blue-grey faced creatures who had a fetish with some good which is greater , nearly vaporated inq dranors stoormtroopers ( tough they deem themselves , ha. Ran away when the missiles started to lock on their column.. ) and right now the Praetor is on its move towards that astartes base.

how the feth do we stop it?

HOW ?


Colonel phyrrus.
33th MobFlkUnt.batterie.

Honey, it's me Saint Cestine the Hieromartyr of the Palantine Crusade, you know, YOUR GIRLFRIEND!

And honey you're not going to believe what happened. For the last few weeks I was cleansing filth from the corners of the galaxy and mending tears in the space-time continum. But when I returned to Cadia to resupply one of those guys from the Ordo Nova Codex was waiting for me.

Naturally I was overjoyed, I don't mention it much but I've not gotten a new codex in almost 10 years and some of my Sisters are wearing armor older than they are.

Well the Nova Codex guy calls us over and the first thing he does is he tells Agnes (Note - Probably refers to Inquisitor Donatella Isabella Angelicus of the Ordo Heredicus) that she either has to transfer to the Grey Knights or convert into a Preacher.

Then he tells Steve and the boys (Note - probably refers to Brother Stephan Infernus Fidelus of the Fraternus Militia) they're fired. And I don't mean fired up! I mean fired! Let go!

Then he tells Mike and his boys (Note - probably refers to Sgt Mikheil Vladimus of the Inquisitorial Storm Troopers) that he has to transfer to the Grey Knights as a henchman or get a job with the Imperial Guard.

Well I was flabergasted! You know I need Steve and his lads to act as a tarpit unit with their evicerators, and Mike's plasma guns are great fire support, and poor Agnes was inconsolable, I don't know what I'll do without her Iron Will to back up our morale.

Then he starts going through everyone's wargear, taking away Sally's evicerator (Note - probably refers to Sister Superior Victoria Salvatore), telling Al and the boys (Note - probably refers to Archeoflaggelent Alpha 6-B) they can't have power weapons and talking all kinds of nonsesence about our faith points.

Well I told him to show me this 'new codex' and he whips out some silly magazine with like an Ogryn on the cover.

Now obviously this is a big mistake but could you please call the Ordo Nova Codex and tell them to lay off!

Yours
Saint Celestine
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Dear Saint Celestine,

Sorry but the nova Codex department is currently under the control of the infamous Inquisitor M. Ward, who's hatred of your organisation is well known and as a result when the idea came up for your codex he pounced and tore it away from my preferred candidate Phil Kelly and the Councils recommendation of Jervis Johnson (Why they chose him i will never know). So you'll just have to sit tight until the real one is released (When the time line reaches M42 I believe)

Oh and you didn't get my text, stupid Astronomican, we broke up like 4 years ago.

Not Yours Anymore
The god emperor
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Dear God Emperor,

I was assigned to a regiment, on their founding night due to a massive failure in naval tactics (Should I really be surprised at this) their home world was destroyed. After several decades of fighting in a crusade in which we defeated a plot to assassinate the warmaster and saved many worlds from the chaos taint including a living saint. Then we were retired for a period and again we had to save the garrison from two separate chaos lead assassination attempts on a valuable prisoner. Afetr this we then got marching orders again. I mean those guys took my eyes and I'm not allowed my world as promised by my dear and late friend Slaydo,
Yours fervently
Colonel-Commissar Ibram Gaunt

All hail our magnificent leader, our god emporer who guides us through space ( and time, and ...)

Dear Omnissiah,
thine is the machine to grant us victory over the xeno scum, the mutant and the traitor.

But lately we have run into a little problem. Nothing big, mind you, we are still happy your loyal servants brought to us the unleasher of death, the executor of false hopes, the launcher of assaults. <s> For the first week. </s>
And then it began. The engineseer hit the rune of awakening and the word was given. How could we be so unaware of the consequences?
Enjoyment was ours as the foul mutants draw their last breath under the relentless streak of missiles from your PRAETOR ARMORED ASSAULT LAUNCHER. Praises on our lips we charged and the day was yours.
But it didn't end. There was no end to this. The Praetor launched armored assault after armored assault..and again and again...
Spoiler:


So currently, we have a conflict with 2 eldar craftworlds , 3 ork empires , a wild bunch of speed freaks , attracted a nid fleet , are still tied in the struggle against chaos in this sector but now with more CSM than you can shake a stick at , awakened some metallic creatures with greenish glowing eyes , accidently annihilated this expedition of blue-grey faced creatures who had a fetish with some good which is greater , nearly vaporated inq dranors stoormtroopers ( tough they deem themselves , ha. Ran away when the missiles started to lock on their column.. ) and right now the Praetor is on its move towards that astartes base.

how the feth do we stop it?

HOW ?


Colonel phyrrus.
33th MobFlkUnt.batterie.

Dear God Emperor,

I was assigned to a regiment, on their founding night due to a massive failure in naval tactics (Should I really be surprised at this) their home world was destroyed. After several decades of fighting in a crusade in which we defeated a plot to assassinate the warmaster and saved many worlds from the chaos taint including a living saint. Then we were retired for a period and again we had to save the garrison from two separate chaos lead assassination attempts on a valuable prisoner. Afetr this we then got marching orders again. I mean those guys took my eyes and I'm not allowed my world as promised by my dear and late friend Slaydo,
Yours fervently
Colonel-Commissar Ibram Gaunt

Great me!

2 letters at once! Thankfully I am omnipotant! Erm omnipotent that is... yeah.

Thankfully the 2 letters answer one another, the only thing that can stop a PRAETOR ARMORED ASSAULT LAUNCHER is Colonel-Commissar Ibram Gaunt.

The only thing that can stop Colonel-Commissar Ibram Gaunt is a PRAETOR ARMORED ASSAULT LAUNCHER.

Go at it guys!

Your pal and deity
The Emperor

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Uh Boss, there's this chick at the Ultimate Gate, Saint Celes-something or the other, says she's your girlfriend but she's not on the list, should we let her in?

Yours
Custodes Bob

PS Did you know that Custodian means Janitor? Why didn't someone tell us that?

Uh Boss, there's this chick at the Ultimate Gate, Saint Celes-something or the other, says she's your girlfriend but she's not on the list, should we let her in?

Yours
Custodes Bob

PS Did you know that Custodian means Janitor? Why didn't someone tell us that?

Dear Bob,
Hell no, b!+ch be trippin'. Tell her I had some bad shrimp and I'm stuck on the throne.

And yes, custodian means janitor. If we told you that, would you have taken the job? BTW, I did have some bad shrimp, so come in here when you get rid of what's her face.

The big cheese

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Dear the space emporer,
I'm an Eldar guardian. I know you aren't fond of xenos, but I have no where else to turn. I'm very lonely, and seek a female companion. I have asked out many of my coworkers, but the response is always "I'm not a woman!"

Please, how can I tell who among my people are male and who are female?

Your friend P'nzee

Dear the space emporer,
I'm an Eldar guardian. I know you aren't fond of xenos, but I have no where else to turn. I'm very lonely, and seek a female companion. I have asked out many of my coworkers, but the response is always "I'm not a woman!"

Please, how can I tell who among my people are male and who are female?

Your friend P'nzee
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Dear P'whatever,
Firstly, I didn't even know there were female Eldar, and secondly, I think if you cant find a girl, you should try probably get a shower.

Teh spees emprah of spess-ness.

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Dear Emperor,
Why do you have a space marine chapter named after me?
Sincerely,

Anonymous Chaos Marine Raptor

Dear Emperor,
Why do you have a space marine chapter named after me?
Sincerely,

Anonymous Chaos Marine Raptor

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Dear Anonymous,
It's quite simple. Over the 10'000 years since the Heresy, we've run out of good names for things, and so we named a chapter Raptors, and added 'Chaos' to the names of everything to do with Chaos so there'd be no confusion. Please find enclosed a Warp bomb which is to be delivered to your Chaos Chaos Lord.
The Emperor.
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Dear Allfather.
As a Space Wolf, I have always been trained to believe that the only good form of war is running around hitting things with my wolf-axe, but lately I've noticed that my chapter is full of wolf-tanks and wolf-missile launchers, and no one seems to like running suicidally into gun lines any more. When I talked to my Wolf-Squad about this, they just gave me a wolf-missile launcher and told me to deal with it. How can I go back to the way things were?
Wolfy McWolf Wolf, Spess Wolves.

Dear Allfather.
As a Space Wolf, I have always been trained to believe that the only good form of war is running around hitting things with my wolf-axe, but lately I've noticed that my chapter is full of wolf-tanks and wolf-missile launchers, and no one seems to like running suicidally into gun lines any more. When I talked to my Wolf-Squad about this, they just gave me a wolf-missile launcher and told me to deal with it. How can I go back to the way things were?
Wolfy McWolf Wolf, Spess Wolves.
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Dear Wolfy McWolf Wolf,

My leading advisors have developed something they call "meta-game theory of battle" which I think they worked out by playing with small plastic figurines for a few months. That's why I pay them the big bucks. Anyhow, the upshot is your wolf-axe is no longer required, so learn how to drive a tank or shoot that wolf-missile launcher. In any case you should be grateful. I'm stuck on this damn throne 24/7 for the past 10,000 years any all you smurfs can do is complain. Surrender your life to the Imperium and learn how to pop transports!

Da Sphess Emprah of Sphess
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Dear Sphess Emprah,

Longtime Inquisitor, first time writer. The Black Templars definitely have more than 1000 battle-brothers, in violation of the Codex Astartes. They pose a tremendous threat to the Imperium but I can't prove they are in violation. Help, what do I do?

Inquisitor Beanus Countus

Dear Beanus,

I don't believe you. Come back when you have proof.
I've got anti-photoshop adepts by the way Beanus, so don't you try cropping more Black Templars into one picture like someone keeps trying to in this crappy Multi-ethnic Dwarf Magazine that Custodian Bob brought me. If you do so, at least make it less obvious, eh?
In conclusion, no proof, no heresy. Not against any of me Space Marines that is, feel free to nuke some Guardsmen or Civilians.

Kind Regards,
Your Holy Emperor-ness.


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Dear Mr Shiny-Space-Guy-Sir,
I've heard people tell worrying stories that you never actually came to Mars and that your famooos Mars-landing of M29.1969 was fake! They ses if you really did come to mars in M29.1969, you would've done so again and that the holy-flag of Space you brought was a lie as there's no wind on Mars or sumthing!
Tell me it's not true and that they are liars! Truthfully that is...

Yours Faithfully,
Adept Highus-Strungus.

Dear Adept Highus-Strungus.
Of course it's not true. Whoever has been telling you these things is clearly a covert Chaos worshipper and must be destroyed immediately. Failing to do so before you finish this letter will be treated as heresy.

Yours godlily,
Mr Shiny-Space-Guy-Sir.
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Dear Emperor of Terra.
Having recently taken part in a massive battle for a planet which seemed to be made of plywood boards with green fluffy stuff stuck to it, I was surprised to see that we were not fighting the forces of Chaos, as we were told, but Grey Knights! We prepared to surrender, but then a second army of Grey Knights appeared to fight the others. Somewhat confused, we prepared to battle, when a third army of Grey Knights appeared to aid the first. What was stranger was that they all seemed to be led by Draigo. I'm sure it was all a misunderstanding, but I'm hoping you could tell me who were the real Grey Knights that day? Got to go, our allies say they've prepared a special fireworks display for us!

Yours worshippingly,
Trooper Bob.

Dear Emperor of Terra.
Having recently taken part in a massive battle for a planet which seemed to be made of plywood boards with green fluffy stuff stuck to it, I was surprised to see that we were not fighting the forces of Chaos, as we were told, but Grey Knights! We prepared to surrender, but then a second army of Grey Knights appeared to fight the others. Somewhat confused, we prepared to battle, when a third army of Grey Knights appeared to aid the first. What was stranger was that they all seemed to be led by Draigo. I'm sure it was all a misunderstanding, but I'm hoping you could tell me who were the real Grey Knights that day? Got to go, our allies say they've prepared a special fireworks display for us!

Yours worshippingly,
Trooper Bob.
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Dear Trooper Bob,

The Universe is full of myriad mysteries, awesome in their scope, profound in their depth. You're puny serf-brain would literally explode, Scanners-Style, if I tried to explain this one to you. Ordinarily I protect the peoples of the galaxy from these mind-blowing truths, but you have doubt in your heart and doubt is the seed of heresy. So I'm going to 'splain this to you. Everyone who's not a heretic stop reading...

Alright, so we're all actually plastic figures on a game board being manhandled by pimple-covered teenagers on ancient Holy Terra....

*****head explodes*****
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HY-03vYYAjA

I told you! Thus is the fate of all who would Doubt.

-Great Shiny Sphess Emporer of Sphess-ness

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Dear Emperor,

Somebody told me that there was an old earth-poet named Lionel Johnson who wrote a poem called Dark Angel about how he was gay. Does this mean that Lion El Johnson was shagging Luther? Also, I heard that the Angels still have Luther back at their base and that they do....stuff to him. And the Lion is passed out in a room there too so who knows what's going on over there. I want to join the Angels but I'm afraid about the "induction rites." What do I do?

Sincerely,
My backdoor doesn't open in that direction

Dear Emperor,

Somebody told me that there was an old earth-poet named Lionel Johnson who wrote a poem called Dark Angel about how he was gay. Does this mean that Lion El Johnson was shagging Luther? Also, I heard that the Angels still have Luther back at their base and that they do....stuff to him. And the Lion is passed out in a room there too so who knows what's going on over there. I want to join the Angels but I'm afraid about the "induction rites." What do I do?

Sincerely,
My backdoor doesn't open in that direction
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Dear Mr Direction,
While there was a poet called Lionel Johnson, this has nothing to do with my son, as it would be a ridiculously large coincidence that a culture on a far away planet would name him after a long forgotten poet, and that he would happen to name his legion after said poet because of an ancient piece of writing from his planet. Prepare for execution for doubting the glorious Dark Angels.
Yours,
The Spess Emprah.
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Dear Spess Emprah of Spess.
YOU SUCK!!!!!!?!!!! LOL HAX ROTFLMAO!!!!!1111!!!
Chaos Troll.

Chaos Troll wrote:
Dear Spess Emprah of Spess.
YOU SUCK!!!!!!?!!!! LOL HAX ROTFLMAO!!!!!1111!!!
Chaos Troll.

Dear Ms Troll,

Thank you for your letter, as you may well know I lost the ability to masticate quite some time ago, so you are indeed right I do suck, those Psykers meals aren't gonna absorb themselves.

BTW could you please give me a return address so I can send you a My Little Mephiston life size action figure.

Yours suckingly,

Teh Spess Emprah.

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Dear Mr Space Emperor,

Me Great Galactic Cookie Monster who eats COOKIES, me have question to ask, do you have any COOKIEESSSSS?

Yours cookie wantingly,

The Great Galactic Cookie Monster.

Nom nom nom nom.

Dear Mr Space Emperor,

Me Great Galactic Cookie Monster who eats COOKIES, me have question to ask, do you have any COOKIEESSSSS?

Yours cookie wantingly,

The Great Galactic Cookie Monster.

Nom nom nom nom.

Dear Nom,

Unfortunatley the only cookies I have are in the 2bit giga chips in this throne, and they aren't edible.

Galactic emrah of all things

Dear emperor of pimpness,

Hey emprah! I heard that there were some annoying armored chicks at your door! Can You send them to my telepathic position so I can purge them for you?

Thanks,

Mr. Inquisi-purge.

Dear Emperor,
Longtime Worshipper, first time writer. I wish to say thank you for saving my Planet from the Tyrant Azarire with that sanctioned assassination, it was pleasing to see the petition got a wide circulation and we managed to get a billion names before submitting it to the High Lords. It's good to see government in action.
We do however have a slight issue with the method undertaken. Far be it for me to criticise, but after the successful Assassination attempt a fair degree of damage and collateral damage was caused to the city. The main Hospital had nearly 100,000 casualities to deal with. The failure to include a deactivation system is a bit of design flaw, luckily the PDF eventually cornered the assailant and would you believe it, he exploded.
I look forward to the next generation enjoying freedom and next time please just send a Sniper.

Yours,

Abel Hong
Concerned Imperial Citizen.

Dear Mr Hong,
Always nice to hear from a longtime worshipper. On the subject of petition I have no idea what you are talking about, no petition has ever crossed my throne, or ever been mentioned by High Lords of Terra, infact the whole concept of consultation and governance of the people by popular mandate escapes me. I suspect it might be one of those Left hand, right hand things and furthermore UPS have a significant backlog here on Terra after deleting the Database 5 years ago (1 Million Planets is alot of Junk mail).
It is Imperial Policy never to comment on Clandestine Operations.

Teh emprah

Dear Emprah,

I am a Cadian Prince with a large fortune that I sadly cannot access at the moment. However, I may be able to if you were to give me your financial and bank details.

If you due I will gladly give a portion of my fortune.

Would you help me?

@mwnciboo:
It's more fun if you let another user answer your question.

Yours was pretty funny btw.