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Granted. It is horribly painful and indicates rectal cancer.

I wish we could keep this out of the gutter.

Granted, it goes from the gutter to the trash.

I wish people wouldn't hashtag.

Granted, they use some other form of communication (if that's what you can call hashtagging!)

I wish that I knew why I keep getting stomach pains.

Granted. You find out it is caused by parasitic worms.

I wish Snurl made me a complete 6x4 wargame table for my Wild West games.

Granted. But it is on the to-do list, which means it will not be completed until summer of 2020.

I wish it was not so cold in the garage, so I could go out there and make some terrain.

Granted. Your garage is now on fire.

I wish I got paid to do whatever I felt like whenever I felt like doing it.

Granted but the 1%-ers do not like your get rich quick scheme and steal your finances leaving you ruined and miniature-less.

I wish it was 2020.... I really want to play some Wild West games!

Granted, but there is no one to play with.

I wish that it was half-term already!

Granted, it is half term of the first quarter.

I wish superglue did not bond to skin instantly.

Granted. Superglue no longer bonds to anything.

I wish my cat wasn't so...weird.

Granted. Your cat works at a normal 9 to 5 cat job, then comes home, eats dinner, then sleeps a lot. Occasionally, it throws up in your shoes.

I wish the term "Meta" was never invented.

Granted. There is no longer any concept of abstraction and everything is literally literal.

I wish I could lose weight by eating whatever I wanted.

Granted, you are now the main character from Steven King's Thinner.

I wish fig leaves were all the rage.

Granted.
You turn into a fig leave yourself and are the first victim of the new fig leave fad. Eating fig leaves becomes extremely popular. Also, the fig goes extinct because of this fad.


I wish I would get the best possible notes on all my school work.

Granted however, they are written in a dead language that nobody can translate (yet).

I wish the genie of the lamp was free,

Granted but he doesn't grant any more of your wishes because he is selfish and a bully named Jafar!

I wish S Club 7 would go on tour again!

(Shout out to my English pals!)

Granted. They go on a ghost tour at a tourist town and are whisked away into the ether of the other side, never to return.

I wish I was a school teacher.

Granted.
You now are school teacher in pleasant Norilsk, Siberia, where the forests have died for 30km around town because of the nice colourful clouds coming from the factory next to your school. The town also happens to produce 2% of the worlds CO2 polution all on its own. Also, temperatures reach up to -50 and average life expectancy is 40. Enjoy your stay...


I wish for a tool that can translate the perfect notes for my school work from the dead language in my previous wish into readable Russian.

Granted. Nobody understands Russian anymore. Everyone who knew Russian, now knows Estonian instead.

I wish I could go back to college. Life was so simple back then.

Granted. You are a beer keg. You are the hit of a party, then spend some time as an impromptu table, then you are returned to the distributor, and sent back to the brewery to be refilled. Eventually you are made into either an archery target or a mailbox.

I wish for a productive weekend.

Granted. You are very productive... if by productive you mean watch through all 8 seasons of the New Doctor Who

I I could build faster

Granted. You now build so fast that everything you make is shoddy and falls apart after you complete it.

I wish I didn't cut my finger on a sharpened twig I put in a pencil sharpener to make a stockade fort.



Bloody ipad and its sorceress ways

Granted, you put your finger into the pencil sharpener instead.

I wish that this paint would dry faster.

Granted, it dries faster causing it to rain CHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESE!

I wish I didn't like games workshop a little more.

Granted. You go into a GW store.

I wish the neighbor kid would shovel for me again.

Granted, he buries you and your family and steals your malifaux minis.

I wish I knew where he hid your body.

Granted, but you do not have any way to break into the handwavium coffin he put snurl in.

I wish I could have some handwavium.

Granted but it costs more than your life is worth tomorrow.

I wish I knew what handwavium was made of.

Granted. You now know, but the knowledge haunts you for the rest of your days. You try to blot out the horror with booze and pills, but its always there waiting when you wake up.

I wish to return from the dead, and extract my revenge.

Granted you return from the dead but the method you seek to get revenge merely leads to a simpler process of making vanilla extract.

I wish to drive my convertible car down the California coast and let my beautiful golden locks blow in the wind as I enjoy life with my significant other and a boxset of dreadball in the backseat.

:I do not have golden locks: