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Dear Emperor,
Can you at least give me rough co-ordinates as to where the tree of life is?
Yours,
Leman

______________________

Dear Leman,
It's right next to the tree of death, duh.
-Space Emprah out

--------------------------------------

Deer Spass Empruh
I iz lookin fer sum right shiney bitz an' gubbins fer me, uh, UMIE deff wagon. I iz a umie afta all, right! HAHA! I wuz finkin uz cood lone me a few a doze bit uz been sittin on fer the past BILLYUN yeers. I meen, wut gud iz dey if deyz just sittin neaf yer tush while youz muckin about. What say youz den, EH?
Sinseerlee,
'UMIE Mekboy Bloodbolt

CplPunishment wrote:

Deer Spass Empruh
I iz lookin fer sum right shiney bitz an' gubbins fer me, uh, UMIE deff wagon. I iz a umie afta all, right! HAHA! I wuz finkin uz cood lone me a few a doze bit uz been sittin on fer the past BILLYUN yeers. I meen, wut gud iz dey if deyz just sittin neaf yer tush while youz muckin about. What say youz den, EH?
Sinseerlee,
'UMIE Mekboy Bloodbolt

As I have no idea what you're saying, I'll just smite you with a cyclotronic torpedo and call it a day.

Yours,
The Master of Mankind

-------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Imperial Fleet Command:

I have just encountered a spacial anomoly that is emitting inverted tacheon particles. Should I:

Reroute main power through the deflector disk to create an antiphoton pulse?
Invert the polarity on the warp core?
Or surrender?

I'm thinking surrender.

Sincerely
Captain Luke Jean
ISS Enterprise

Dear Imperial Fleet Command:

I have just encountered a spacial anomoly that is emitting inverted tacheon particles. Should I:

Reroute main power through the deflector disk to create an antiphoton pulse?
Invert the polarity on the warp core?
Or surrender?

I'm thinking surrender.

Sincerely
Captain Luke Jean
ISS Enterprise
___________________________________________________

dear "Captain" Luke Jean

Who the feth let you into Imperial space? And furthermore what the hell Is tacheon particles, my personal Mechanicum aide has no clue either. And that space anomaly is probably the eye. I think you should go on a scouting mission into it. Shields will mess with your sensors as will energy weapoon signatures so please have these systems disabled before entering the anomaly. And "when" you survive please dock at Port Maw for 6 months isolation.

Sincerely
The Emps
_____________________________________________________

Dear Emperor

Why oh why oh Why have you limited us to 1,000,000 Astartes. Abaddon is basically Horus reborn and you sit on your arse all day on that golden "throne" and leave us hanging in the wind. Our defences are woefully inadequate and antiquated after the previous 12 crusades and the Navy refuse to Co-Operate until you personally tell them to. I mean i can only CREEEEEEED so many times before the enemy figures it out. And Please tell me why Knights of Blood are Traitors, I'm talking to their chapter master right now and he seems like a nice guy

Ever Humbally
Ursaker CREEEEEED

Dear Emperor

Why oh why oh Why have you limited us to 1,000,000 Astartes. Abaddon is basically Horus reborn and you sit on your arse all day on that golden "throne" and leave us hanging in the wind. Our defences are woefully inadequate and antiquated after the previous 12 crusades and the Navy refuse to Co-Operate until you personally tell them to. I mean i can only CREEEEEEED so many times before the enemy figures it out. And Please tell me why Knights of Blood are Traitors, I'm talking to their chapter master right now and he seems like a nice guy

Ever Humbally
Ursaker CREEEEEED

Dear CREEEEED

Get the feth over it. You were born and bred to die protecting my Imperium. Besides Abaddunce is a fool that why I don't beat him, he is there to amuse me. Please don't bug me again unless it is one of those fantastic stories of you hiding a Titan Legion in a house.

Signed

THE SPESS EMPRAH

Dear Emperor

I'm coming.....

Cypher

Dear Emperor

I'm coming.....

Cypher

I thought I told you I'm not interested in your sex life!

Stuck in a chair for 10,000 years...
The Emp

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Dear the Space Emperor

Why are we hated and feared by the Imperium we are sworn to protect?

Chapter Master Celestia
My Little Space Marine Chapter

Dear Celestia:

Because you ruined the Grimdarkness of the 41st millenium for millions of loyal fans.

___

Dear Mr Emperor,

Why do I like fire so much? It's got me into more trouble so many times. Today, I managed to destroy the local Food Vendor Outpost.

Vulkan,
Lava World,
Planet X

BlapBlapBlap wrote:


Dear Mr Emperor,

Why do I like fire so much? It's got me into more trouble so many times. Today, I managed to destroy the local Food Vendor Outpost.

Vulkan,
Lava World,
Planet X

It is due to your anger issues, you really need to keep the flaming down son! Or else Im canceling that special show I had in mind for you


Your eternal fire

Emperor of mankind.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


To whom this may concern.

At this moment we have someone who claims to be your son in custody, for indecent exspour to minors. The individual on question goes by the name of Fulgrim. He stated that you would raise a bail for him.
If this is true please respond within the next 72 standard hours, if not we will assume you can not. And ship him back to you in cryo sleep.

Yours sincerly

High Lord Investigatius Penetratum

To whom this concerns,

I refuse to pay for Fulgrim's bail. He's not the Messiah, he's a very naughty boy! Tell him to go to his room!

Yours faithfully,

Teh Emprah

++++++++++

Dear Mr Emprah

Why are there no Female Guardsmen? I want to serve you when I grow up!

Yours Faithfully,

Lil' Miss Perfect

BlapBlapBlap wrote:

Dear Mr Emprah

Why are there no Female Guardsmen? I want to serve you when I grow up!

Yours Faithfully,

Lil' Miss Perfect

Because all women serve best on their backside!

Yours discriminatingly

Teh Big E

-----------------------------------------------------


To da crumped ummie

YOINK! Iz got yer nose! Wot ya unna du wuzzy

Da sneaky git

Dear Mr Sneaky Git,

DAMN IT! I'LL PAY THE RANSOM, OK?!

Yours sincerely,

The God Emperor of Mankind

++++++++

Dear Emperor,

Why is Slaanesh bad?

Yours sincerely,

Lucius.

BlapBlapBlap wrote:Dear Mr Sneaky Git,

Dear Emperor,

Why is Slaanesh bad?

Yours sincerely,

Lucius.

Because he/she/it are more gay than a battlebarge filed with Cadians. And because it also made Fulgrim like the kids....In a very, very bad way

The all purging father of mankind


----------------------------------------------


Dear big E

So I have heard lots of talk about you less than imperisve matchup with Big H, I mean come on. Did you let him win?

Yours intruiged

Mat Ward

Dear Matt Ward,

Of course I let him win. He's my boy!

However, I would like to draw to your attention the matter of Kaldor Draigo.

Why have you allowed a daemonic entity enter the very chapter that is designed to fight Daemons?

ARE YOU INSANE?!

Yours spitefully,

Teh SPEHSS EMPRAH.

++++++++++++++++++

Dear Mr Emperor,

If Space Marines shall know no fear, why do they run away?

Also, why did the Kroot cross the road?

Lucius the Eternal

BlapBlapBlap wrote:

Dear Mr Emperor,

If Space Marines shall know no fear, why do they run away?

Also, why did the Kroot cross the road?

Lucius the Eternal

Dear "Eternal" Lucius

Because not all marines are manly enough to stand and figth.

Because they where afraid of the analconda

Yours trustingly

The Emperor

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++


To the "father" of mankind.

Why are your minions skulls so fragile? They break whenever I try to make a nice pyramid of them.

Yours bloodied

Khorne

To the "father" of mankind.

Why are your minions skulls so fragile? They break whenever I try to make a nice pyramid of them.

Yours bloodied

Khorne

Dear Khorne,

To stop you building those eyesore's they ruin the lovely view of the immaterium i have.
Yours mockingly The big E.

Dear Space Emp,

When shall we begin phase 2?

Your eternally loyal son, A.

Dear A,

Shut up!

I'm a little bogged down with saving the universe from Daemonic Incursions and being dead to help you!

Your father

++++

Dear Mr Emperor,

You currently have have an overdue Library book that I believe was given to your son.

Please return the Codex Astartes to us immediately, or your fine will be increased. Your card will be locked, and we will ban you from all branches of the Black Library.

Yours faithully,

Harl E. Kwin.

Dear Black Library.

I.hope you realise my "Golden Throne" is right above the Webway, so unless you want a 10, 000+yr old psykers flaming poo on your doorstep, please accept this virus bomb as a payment. You have three seconds before the-OOPS too late.

Sincerly
The Big E, the Empmeister, Mr E, etc.

____________

Dear Almighty God Emperor


I come before you with some of the most troublesome questions known to man, ork and Eldar.

Why do donuts have holes? Surely you waste space eating the air in the middle?
What.is in school lunches? Certainly not meat or anything they advertise.
Why do only Imperial's suffer diesese. Daddy sends them to Ulthwe and T'au too!


Sincerly
Mr Ep. I. Demius

Dear Almighty God Emperor


I come before you with some of the most troublesome questions known to man, ork and Eldar.

Why do donuts have holes? Surely you waste space eating the air in the middle?
What.is in school lunches? Certainly not meat or anything they advertise.
Why do only Imperial's suffer diesese. Daddy sends them to Ulthwe and T'au too!
Sincerly
Mr Ep. I. Demius

Dear overgrown food-baby,
Normally I would not take precious time out of my busy schedule sitting on this throne and stuff and guiding mankind to survival and stuff, so consider this a gift from the most Holiest of All.
1. The hole is there as per the specifications of the Chapter-Approved MK III foodstuffs.
2. Of course it's meat in those school-lunches, just because it goes under the name of Mystery Meat doesn't mean it's not.
3. The Eldar and the T'au are not afflicted by disease because I decreed it! And that is all you need to know.
Now, if you would be so kind as to direct your rotting mass in front of the nearest Imperial Navy Fleet, they can expound upon my answers if need be.
Sincerely,
The Master of Mankind

Dear Teh Space Emporer,
Well, I have a friend who's trapped inside of a planet. I know, sounds crazy, right? He was just doing nothing, minding his own business ruling over these humans, when all of a sudden, this shining A-Hole waltzes by and beats the tobacco juice out of him for no apparent reason and imprisons him in a room on another planet. It was totally out of line, but not much he can do about that D-Bag. What I- er, he would like to know is how he can escape and go back to his rightful rule of those people on that long, lost world.
Oh, and one of my shard-friends of the Nightbringer wishes to say "Sup?" to the Ultramarines.
Thanks a bunch,
D-Man of Mars

Dear D-Bag of Mars,

Back in your hole!

Much love, the Shining One.

__________________

Dear Space Emperor,

Can we talk to you about the Greater Good?

Aun'va

Dear Space Emperor,

Can we talk to you about the Greater Good?

Aun'va

Dear Aun'va,
Can I talk to you about Exterminatus?
Emporer of Space

Dear Eternal Adversary,
I am the Phaeron of the Atun Dynasty, and am quite proud of everything my subjects have done in the past two-hundred years or so. However, I have a bit of a problem, and that is Imotekh. Not only is he arrogant, obnoxious, and suffering from MSD (Mary Sue Disorder), but he also keeps intruding in my territory and taking my Tomb Worlds without so much as even the courtesy of a formal declaration of war. I would like nothing so much as to turn him into a pile of molten slag, but he happens to be a favorite of the Silent King. Any idea what I can do?
Irritated Phaeron
P.S. I may or may not have a Tombworld on your homeworld that I will need use of in the near future. Just saying.

Dear Metal Idiot
1. I don't care
2. The Silent King and i were playing scrabble last night and he said to shut your pie hole.
3. Ohh you mean the tombworld we ejected into the sun sorry we didn't know you would need that.

Signed
The Eternal Winner


Dear Most Holy Space Emperor

How much longer till we can Wake up your son and begin the reclamation of the imperium?

Signed

The Watchers in The Dark

Dear Watcher in the Dork, (NOT A TYPO)

You realize I have 20 Sons? I don't need the furry incoherent one right now.

E.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Dear Mr Emperor,

Despite your refusal, we will have to ask for the Codex Astartes to be returned for a final time.

If you refuse, my colleagues will be forced to take up arms.

Ever experienced the Kiss?

Harl E. Kwin

DEAR ANNOYING BRIGHTLY COLORED THING

SHUT UP BEFORE I TEL AHRIMAN WHERE YOU ARE HIDING YOUR STUPID LITTLE LIBRARY.

SIGNED

THE SPESSS EMPRAH




Dear Emperor

Have you ever considered that you might be wrong? Have you considered that the good book might save your truly immortal soul? Well I can Help Just call me now at 1-800-GIVE YOURSOULTOTZEENTCH and one of our operator will be standing by, to send you a copy of this book. Just remember call know don't wait you know your soul can't! CALL 1-800-GIVE YOURSOULTOTZEENTCH RIGHT NOW.

Signed,
Kairos Fateweaver

Dear Caller

For the last time, I do not take fake business calls, and something sounds unusual about your number.

Perhaps one of my business's can interest you in a free Exterminatus?

The Emprah
==========
Dear Emprah

Why am I so BALD and FOOLISH, people laugh and point at me, and constantly mock my lack of hair!

What can I do to stop this?

Your servant,
Indrick Boreale

Dear Mr Boreale

Please learn proper pronunciation, or I shall send my loyal SPHESS MARHEENS to DEEP STRIKE your face into my foot ! We shall use STEEHL REHN to perform a tactical insertion!

Signed
The EmPEROR


Dear Space Dude

Why do Ultramarines get so much love? Can we exterminate them?! We're hungry!

Signed Mr Swarmlord

Dear Mr Swarmlord,

Because the great men in the sky will lose a ton of sales, resulting in our destruction,

Mr E.

===================================================================================================================================================

Dear the big E.

Why are Kittens so adorable? Do you want to meet mine?

Kharn the Be... I mean Kittenhugger...

Dear the big E.

Why are Kittens so adorable? Do you want to meet mine?

Kharn the Be... I mean Kittenhugger...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Kharn the Betrayer.

We know.

Yours mockingly, Big E.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Dear Space Emperor,

I suddenly find certain memories disappearing, as if they were not real. For you see, some time ago there was this whole business on an incy wincy planet called Pavonis with a tiny winy insignificant star god - nothing to worry about, I'm an Ultramarine so I saved myself and won by letting it go to ravish the rest of the universe and wake its Necron minions.

The problem is, it seems like it can't have happened now.. like someone has retconned a major part of my life that's been established for many years now. I'm just not sure what's going on, am I going mad?

Confused,
Uriel Ventris.

P.S. hurr durr smurfs.

Dear Space Emperor,
I suddenly find certain memories disappearing, as if they were not real. For you see, some time ago there was this whole business on an incy wincy planet called Pavonis with a tiny winy insignificant star god - nothing to worry about, I'm an Ultramarine so I saved myself and won by letting it go to ravish the rest of the universe and wake its Necron minions.
The problem is, it seems like it can't have happened now.. like someone has retconned a major part of my life that's been established for many years now. I'm just not sure what's going on, am I going mad?
Confused,
Uriel Ventris.
P.S. hurr durr smurfs.

Nothing to see here, folks. Move along.


Most Holy Liege,
Just the other day, I was attached to the 666th Malchian regiment to keep the men's morale up. We were making an assualt on one fort, when I noticed one infantry squad making the cardinal sin of retreating. The commissar attached to said squad swiftly executed their sergeant and told them to turn back, but to no avail, and he was forced to run with them to execute more soldiers. My questions is, why can't I execute the Commissar, since he doesn't seem to be doing his job correctly?
Signed,
Commissar Tri G. R. Happy

Dear Commisar
Kill him and you will get your promtion
From the Big E

Dear Corpse God,
Please give me back my Planets and I will be a good little boy from now on.
From Huron Blackheart.

Dear Mr Blackeye, er, heart. Blackheart. Thank you for contacting us. We actually had a message from a Grand Master Mordrak who is looking for you. we will be sending him your way shortly. he said something about vengeance and justice? Anyway, I am afriad we have a nio returns policy. All returned planets are barren, empty, Exterminatus-ified husks.

The Corpse god.

Dear Mr Space Emperor sir.

I currently had a boxing match with an alien lifeform, who's tactical genius nearly destroyed my homeworld asnd killed me. I later fought it as part of a different Hive Fleet and won this time. I thought your almighty, golden, decayed brain would be able to figure out how that works, when the creature has knowledge of how I fight and cannot truly die?

Marneus Augustus Calgar

Dear Mr Space Emperor sir.

I currently had a boxing match with an alien lifeform, who's tactical genius nearly destroyed my homeworld asnd killed me. I later fought it as part of a different Hive Fleet and won this time. I thought your almighty, golden, decayed brain would be able to figure out how that works, when the creature has knowledge of how I fight and cannot truly die?

Marneus Augustus Calgar

------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Calgar

I will answer your question when the ultramarines trun Ultramar back over to me and stop with your incssant preening and whining.

The Big E
_____________________________________________

Dear Emperor

Why is it that you hate your first Legion. What did we do to deserve this?

The Unforgiven