Ask teh Space Emporer!

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**Darkvoidof40k**

Dear Calgar.. sigh..

Seriously? No bravado, no idle boasting, no "hurr durr smurfs beat all" drool? I'm pleasantly surprised.

Perhaps I shouldn't have sent that excommunicate traitoris letter to the Inquisition branding you all heretics. Oh well, what's done is done, and lets be honest, you've been annoying the hell out of everyone for 10,000 years.

Good riddance.

Yours disdainfully, Big E

P.S. Tell that Uriel Ventris fella to stop mailing me mewling about how his life story has changed.

~~~~~~~

Skip me, can't think of a letter right now.

**BlapBlapBlap**

Dear Mr Emperor,

Would you like this random bowl filled with rotten duck flesh?

Thanks,

Deadshot

**Deadshot**

Dear Emperor

Why is it that you hate your first Legion. What did we do to deserve this?

The Unforgiven
______________________

Excuse me, but as George Orwell, an ancient writer from Terra once said," All Space marines were created equal. Some are just pure badass and you are emo. Deal with it!!!!!!!

____________________________

Dear Emps

Its Mr Khorne here. i was wordering if you would like to play some poker with me and Nurgle this weekend. I have got a couple Daemonworlds up in the Maelstrom on the table. Don't worry, that cheat Tzeentch isn't invited and that bugger Slaanesh is, uh, osmewhere. Don't ask where. Trust me. Don't ask.

**Dr. Temujin**

Dear Emps

Its Mr Khorne here. i was wordering if you would like to play some poker with me and Nurgle this weekend. I have got a couple Daemonworlds up in the Maelstrom on the table. Don't worry, that cheat Tzeentch isn't invited and that bugger Slaanesh is, uh, osmewhere. Don't ask where. Trust me. Don't ask.
Dear Khorne,
Look, if you're going to tempt me with another game, at least offer something better than some Daemonworlds. I know you said Tzeentch and Slaanesh aren't invited, but Tzeentch always finds a way in anyways. Besides, I'm already booked this weekend for a chess-match with Creed, Scrabble with the Silent King, and Psychic Rugby with Gork (or Mork, I can never tell the difference). Maybe if you were willing to put down that Armless Failure who always keeps leading all those pesky Black Crusades, I could stop by in a month.
Master of Mankind,
E.
Dear Omnissiah,
I have found it! I, Archmagos Fernos Tempralia, have found the way to fix the Golden Throne! It only cost me the better part of two centuries of research and almost all of my sanity, but I have found it at last! The other Magi are just jealous, that's why they would be so quick to accuse me of tech-heresy! Don't listen to them! Sure, I had to dabble a bit in some new innovation, but it is a sacrifice I would be willing to make for the survival of the Imperium! Please, oh great Omnissiah, allow me into the Throne Room and restore your seat of power to its TRUE potential!
Signed,
Archmagos Fernos Tempralia

**Legion of Damnation**

Dear archmagos,

What are you doin committing heresy? Surely you know that burying your head in the sand solves all problems and that applying your intelligence is like shooting me. Basically, feth off.

Yours,

Teh Sphess Emprah
________________________

Dear Mr Emperor,

Have you had an accident that wasn't your fault? A slip or trip or perhaps a work injury? Call Imperial accident helpline for details. Sgt Lorenzo is a terminator. He was injured in a purge and he claimed back 2000 credits. So call Imperial accident helpline on 0115 877 1795 or contact us online at www.annoyingmotherfethers.co.uk now. Remember, you. A claim the compensation you deserve.

P.S. PPI was mis-sold to people who didn't need, want or ask for it...

**TheAngrySquig**

Dear Mr Emperor,

Have you had an accident that wasn't your fault? A slip or trip or perhaps a work injury? Call Imperial accident helpline for details. Sgt Lorenzo is a terminator. He was injured in a purge and he claimed back 2000 credits. So call Imperial accident helpline on 0115 877 1795 or contact us online at www.annoyingmotherfethers.co.uk now. Remember, you. A claim the compensation you deserve.

P.S. PPI was mis-sold to people who didn't need, want or ask for it...

I SWEAR TO ME ONE MORE fething TELEMARKETER!

Sincerely,
Teh Spess Emprah

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Space Emperor,

Whats this blue "Space Pope" fellow going on about? Seems shifty to me, should I kick his ass?

Sincerely,
Commander Farsight

**Dr. Temujin**

Dear Space Emperor,

Whats this blue "Space Pope" fellow going on about? Seems shifty to me, should I kick his ass?

Sincerely,
Commander Farsight

Dear Commander,
I have but one policy regarding individuals who are shifty: when in doubt, blam. For the past ten millennia or so, it's worked for me, or at least that's what the Inquisition says. Anyways, I would even go so far as to say you should kill alll the Blue Space Popes, as they've caused nothing but trouble ever since they showed up. In fact, if you do decide to follow up with that, you might want to alert the nearest Imperial fleet to assist you in this endeavor.
Your scheming pal,
The Emp

Dear Most Holy Emperor,
I am a Scout in the Ultramarines Chapter. I am studying very hard to one day become a full-fledged Space Marine and serve you for the rest of my days. Just the other day, though, I heard that one of our esteemed brothers, Sergeant Ilios Talras, was severely wounded during one battle. He couldn't fight, but he still lived long enough to be entombed inside a dreadnought. I have heard the pain of becoming interred in these honorable machines is greater than any experience not felt since our surgeries. So I come asking you, O Holiest of Men, does it hurt that much?
Scout Remius Newman

**captain collius**

Dear Ultrasmurfette
You serve me. I am not an answer all. GO back to reading the codex Astartes and don't worry about it i doubt you will survive the next mission.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Space Emps

We gotta gop out and hit up a big nght on the town you, me, Mork (or is it Gork? never could tell the difference), and The Silent Party King.

Signed Cegorach

**Deadshot**

Dear Space Emps

We gotta gop out and hit up a big nght on the town you, me, Mork (or is it Gork? never could tell the difference), and The Silent Party King.

Signed Cegorach

____________________

Dear Cegorach.

No need. I am flat out drunk already. Some battle sister took me home. She kindly accepted my bank card as a reward. See you later.

PS- Tell that theiving b****** Gork/Mork that they still owe my that money

PPS- If you see Nurgle tell him that Tzeentch said he's a fat boy. Please mention the cut knee. (Psst! Infection!).

PPPS- I said PPS. hehehe.

**Dr. Temujin**

*Message sent year 327.M31*
*Message received year 999.M41*
Dear Father,
It is with a heavy heart that I must tell you of a great catastrophe that will befall the Imperium. Horus, my brother, and your most beloved Son, has turned his back to you in favor of Chaos. He has listened to their lies and deception, and now is planning to lead his and several of our brothers' Legions to take your place at the Throne. I know that you said not to be disturbed for anything, but I feel this most dire and urgent situation requires your notification. I trust you to do what must be done in order to prevent this monstrous crime from ever occurring.
Your Son,
Magnus the Red

**captain collius**

Magnus
YOU DON'T SAY!
p.s. I disown you for joing up with Tzeentch

Dear Space Emps

We recently uncovered a cacheof old information disks from before the Age of Strife here on mars they seem to be from someone called Monty Python and his flying Circus what should we do with the.
Techno-magus Xiliphant

**TheAngrySquig**

Dear Techno-magus.
Watch them. If there is higher levels of silliness than is usually tolerated in the Imperium burn them, if not keep them.

Teh Space Emprah.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Space Emperor,

Call me back bro, that festival was crayzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Your bro, Slaanesh

**Deadshot**

Dear user.

This number has been disconnected. The person tried to bang your wife but realise you would.like that so instead murdered her very plainly.

PS- I did bang her first.

Dear Daddy

Dorn says his stuff better than my stuff so now I hit his stuff with my stuff and made hin look stupid. Please ground him please.

Love Perturabo

**TheAngrySquig**

Dear Perturabo
I AM TIRED OF YOU TWO AND YOUR ARGUING! JUST BRO-FIST IT OUT OR YOU WILL BOTH BE SENT TO YOUR ROOMS!

Love, Daddy
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Space Emperor

I will surrender my current black crusade if you can tell me where that mother-fether Creed put my arms

Sincerely, Abbadon

**Phototoxin**

Dear Emprah,

When are the Sisters of Battle going to emerge in glorious polymer form?

Also the chaplain says it's a sin to 'produce gene seed' by looking at holographs of unarmoured. Is this true?Soritas

Yours in pervertedness,
Fulgrim

**Dr. Temujin**

Dear Space Emperor

I will surrender my current black crusade if you can tell me where that mother-fether Creed put my arms

Sincerely, Abbadon

Dear Abbadon,
When will you realize that not only have you no arms, you also have no tact? Have you ever wondered just why none of your Black Crusades ever reached Terra? And as far as Creed goes, he's too valuable a poker-partner for me to simply give up.
Death on your head and such,
E.

Dear Emprah,

When are the Sisters of Battle going to emerge in glorious polymer form?

Also the chaplain says it's a sin to 'produce gene seed' by looking at holographs of unarmoured Soritas. Is this true?
Yours in pervertedness,
Fulgrim

My son,
How many times have I told you to stop looking at those dirty holos of unarmoured Soritas? You should listen to that chaplain, he knows the truth. What he didn't tell you, of course, was if you do such an unspeakable act again, then the Boogeyman will come to you in your sleep!
Love,
Dad

Dear Teh Space Emporer,
I am but a humble Space Marine of the Crimson Fists Chapter, and I have a question. I have meditated on the subject many, many times, and yet I still cannot find the answer to this most perplexing and puzzling question. So, I come to write to you, Your Holy Grace: In your Infinite Wisdom, why have you made all Space Marines bald?
Sincerely,
Hair Envious Harry

**Darkvoidof40k**

Dear Teh Space Emporer,
I am but a humble Space Marine of the Crimson Fists Chapter, and I have a question. I have meditated on the subject many, many times, and yet I still cannot find the answer to this most perplexing and puzzling question. So, I come to write to you, Your Holy Grace: In your Infinite Wisdom, why have you made all Space Marines bald?
Sincerely,
Hair Envious Harry

To hairless harry,

Child of my child, you have arrived at quite a saddening question. It is simply your chapter who is bald, and consequently fewlish as per the infallible logic of the tactical mastermind that is Boreale of the Blood Ravens. In your foolishness you allowed your chapter to be decimated by xenos because somehow somewhere someone cocked up and a single missile which shouldn't have made a dent destroyed your fortress monastery.

Space Marines from many other chapters have hair. Even Lysander of the Imperial Fists, the chapter which bears the heraldry of the legion from which your own brotherhood is descended, has a small amount of hair.

Yours also hairlessly, E.

++
No question from me, someone else go next.

**BlapBlapBlap**

Dear Mr Almighty God Emperor of Mankind,

Why do we detest Psykers and Daemons, yet actively encourage a Daemon to play a part in a Chapter made of Psykers?

Yours begrudgingly,

Marneus Calgar

**Deadshot**

Dear Papasmurf

Because yo Ultramasmurfs too fewlish to handle da truth. Daemons are illegal immigrants to reality so we get the Grey Knights to mindrape them with chdder.

Also, Daemons are supposed to be a secret. We will be sending an Inquisitor your way with a mindwipe. If you resist you will be totalled along with your chapter (cue cheering).

Dear Emprah

Why, oh, why, can that twit Boreale not spee propoly? 'E talks like a spoon. We gonna stomp 'im flat.

Urs stompy
Ghazkull Mag Urk Thraka

**Dr. Temujin**

Dear Emprah
Why, oh, why, can that twit Boreale not spee propoly? 'E talks like a spoon. We gonna stomp 'im flat.
Urs stompy
Ghazkull Mag Urk Thraka

Dear Foolish Ork,
It does not matter whether humans have some speech impediment, or have missing legs or are an abnormal. As long as they fight to serve me, I don't see anything wrong with that. Everyone should learn to love and tolerate their fellow human being, unless they're mutants or traitors or heretics. In which case, like yours for example, Kill them all!
Yours as Master of the Galaxy,
Big E.
P.S. If you, however, criticize Boreale based on his tactics, then yes, he is a bit of a liability.

Dear Space Emprah,
I always feel like my squad-brothers and I are always watched by some behemoth omnipotent being who dictates our every move and command on the battlefield. Every once in awhile, I hear the rumblings of giant cube-like boulders tumbling about, and there's always this incessant rambling about "rules". The other Marines either tell me I'm imagining things, or simply ignore it. What's going on?
Signed,
Feeling Diminuitive on Dimmar

**necrovamp**

Dear Man on Dimmar.

I feel the inquisition needs a word with you. There are NO Omnipotent beings, NO Giant cubes and No rules, i assure you, these are all in your imagination...whadda ya mean, I can't do that horus? it says right here in this rulebook i can shoot twice at 12" with my marines.....oops!

You loving Emprah

Dear Space Emprah,

What happens to all the farts that build up in your throne?

A consitpated Space Marine

**Radiation**

necrovamp wrote:Dear Space Emprah,

What happens to all the farts that build up in your throne?

A consitpated Space Marine

ACSM,

They are lit with a match for all the Imperium of Man to behold.

E.

**Deadshot**

Der Mork

Who wins in a fight, you or Gork?

Guglutz

This was quickly followed by

Ah Zog off! I wrote to the wrong bluddy fing! Fine 'en.

Dear Space Emperor

You know my da can beat you up? He choked you and you kid out

Signed Guglutz

**Dr. Temujin**

Ah Zog off! I wrote to the wrong bluddy fing! Fine 'en.

Dear Space Emperor

You know my da can beat you up? He choked you and you kid out

Signed Guglutz

Dear confused xeno,
I sincerely wish that just before you die, your miniscule brain can comprehend the fact that your "da" could not and did not even lay a finger on me right before I blasted his body into oblivion.
I hope you like Astartes throwing a party for you and all your friends.
#1 in the Galaxy

Dear Emperor,
I am in most dire straits. My manufactorum overseer fired me because I am three months behind my debt of ten billion Thrones, I've lost an arm, both legs, and anything surrounding my pelvis to horrific accidents, my children starve while laden with disease, and I probably will be arrested because of my first predicament. If you truly are a beneficent Overlord of all Mankind, please hear my plea and give me some aide.
Signed,
Crippled on Correlia

**necrovamp**

Dear M.R Crippled

I hear your plea, here is some special Emprah ointment gel that will heal eveything it touches. Actual results may vary.

Emprah

Dear Emprah. my custom pimped out rhino with mega stereo and fluffy dice got blown up by heretics, now my squad has to run into battle making tank noises, what should I do?

Signed

A lonely rhino driver.

**Legion of Damnation**

necrovamp wrote:Dear M.R Crippled

I hear your plea, here is some special Emprah ointment gel that will heal eveything it touches. Actual results may vary.

Emprah

Dear Emprah. my custom pimped out rhino with mega stereo and fluffy dice got blown up by heretics, now my squad has to run into battle making tank noises, what should I do?

Signed

A lonely rhino driver.

Dear Lonely Rhino Driver

Look, rhinos, you and your squad dare hide on metal bawkses, you cowards, you fewlz, maybe it's better that they took away your metal bawkses.

______________________________________________

Oi, Oomie tuff bloke,

I'ze nicked yo kids milk and I'z fired all your minerz an workaz an I'ze buying Tau coal. What's ya gonna do 'bout it

Mine,

Ghazgull Mag Uruk Thraka

(for those of you that don't know, ghazzy is based off margaret thatcher)

**Deadshot**

Dear simpleton.

Please note the large metal drop pod hurtlung towards you. Inside is a bioagent that will dissolve you and your warriors' flesh in moments Thousands of these are being delivered all over the planet. I have decided Armeggeddon is... expendable. Bet you thought we were retreating didn't you? He, you fewl! We shall send Steel Rehn to mash your faces and burn your backsides! And the my SPHESS MARHEENS will fly METAL BAWKES in to finish the Job!

Yours laughing,
The Emprah!

Dear Emperor

I have recently heard the most disturbing rumours. Apparently changes in the Immaterium are having a drastic effect on real space combat. Before, Whdn I charge, I stay in front with my Flamer, as not to immoliate my allies. No matter what, those behind would always die first. Even if I was gitting, brother Icarus would drop dead from a wound I should have. But now it has changed. Apparently if I go at the very front, I am sure to die. But my flamer must go in front. My only option would be to take a plasma gun or heavy weapon and sit at the back. What should I do? Charge and die like a moron? Or hide like a coward?

**Darkvoidof40k**

Dear Anonymous,

Ah yes.. I have heard of these 'drastic changes'. Not to worry, you'll be used to it soon enough. I believe you forget that the flamethrower is primarily a close-combat weapon; a blunt tool for clubbing your enemies' brains out, and an ad-hoc BBQ second.

What? Oh yes, it can have some implications on someone's long-term health and future prospects if you spray them with burning prometheum. My, my, Roboute really got it wrong when he wrote that little blue book of for beginners. Honestly, charred ork on a stick tastes rather tip-top after a hard fought battle.

As for your little conundrum, I'd advise staying next to the sergeant, with the rest of the squad in a loose circle around you. That way you are neither back nor front, nay to the sides either. You are in the VIP part of the squad. A few scrubs bite it and you're still there, ready to have that BBQ in the next turn-err I mean shooting pha--um, during the counter-attack.

What I'm really wondering is why the devil a dedicated ranged squad is charging point blank anyway.. silly, silly Roboute. I honestly ought to have put some sort of tactical genius in charge of the Space Marine legions instead. Hm, if only there was one at hand.. hm.. tactical genius...

Say, Malcador, bring a servitor scribe with that tea would you? I have a few things I wish to-- Oh, I'm sorry, I quite forgot this infernal machine records everything I say.

Drinking Tea on Terra,
Everyone's favourite Anatolian.

**RiTides**

Creating a fresh one since there's none to reply to above

Dear Empy,

Digital codii? What do you think this is, the 41st millennium?

Signed,
The Internets

**deathholydeath**

Dear Empy,

Digital codii? What do you think this is, the 41st millennium?

Signed,
The Internets
-----------

Dear the Internets,
--Digital Codi are innovation and thus HERESY. I shall dispatch the ordo libermaximus to deal with the GW heretics as soon as I get off this throne and get to a temperate climate to aid my health.

Signed,
Your friend, E.
---------------

Dear the Space Emperor,

What are you wearing underneath your dress?

Signed,
Sector 7 perv, Solace