Forum adverts like this one are shown to any user who is not logged in. Join us by filling out a tiny 3 field form and you will get your own, free, dakka user account which gives a good range of benefits to you:
No adverts like this in the forums anymore.
Times and dates in your local timezone.
Full tracking of what you have read so you can skip to your first unread post, easily see what has changed since you last logged in, and easily see what is new at a glance.
Email notifications for threads you want to watch closely.
Being a part of the oldest wargaming community on the net.
If you are already a member then feel free to login now.
Dear nuisance,
Thank you for writing to me about your question. Let me, however, make my attempt to fight fire with fire and answer your question with a question: How would you like to serve in the Imperial Guard? I'm told there are spots open for the 708th Penal Battalion.
Yours,
The Big E.
Dear Space Emporer,
Help! Something terrible has happened! I was suddenly picked up and submerged in this foul green liquid that reeked of disenfectant, and then all of my color began to melt from my figure! My medals, my pauldrons, my big golden U! They were all made jet black! What do I do?!
Signed,
A Frantic Ultramarine
Lord Judicator Valdrakh of the Atun Dynasty (6th Ed: W:3, L:4, D:0)
H.B.M.C. wrote: Well GW were mostly responsible for the Berlin Wall, so it's natural for some people to harbour resentment towards them.
I devour the souls of a thousand psykers every day, stop the predations of demons and hold back the entire warp, act as a beacon of hope and faith, giving purpose to your lives. I even maintain the astronomican so that the entirety of the Imperium can function! Hell I even died for you people, and you want more? All I even ask is that you go to space-church every Sunday! Being the Emperor is a full-time job, I haven't had a break in 10,000 years! Why else d'you think I work on the bog? No time for toilet breaks in my line of work.
I think a few years in the Imperial Guard might do you some good; help you discover your faith again. Now, unless you have yet more mundane matters to bother me with, I shall bid you adieu and you can expect your planet to have its entire male populace conscripted and shipped to the Eye of Terra, or perhaps the Sabbat worlds crusade.
Dear Spehss Emprah,
How can I, once thaut so BAHLD and FEWLISH, get sum speaking lessons? Can you dierect me to one who can halp me?
Sincerely,
Commander Boreale
Lord Judicator Valdrakh of the Atun Dynasty (6th Ed: W:3, L:4, D:0)
H.B.M.C. wrote: Well GW were mostly responsible for the Berlin Wall, so it's natural for some people to harbour resentment towards them.
Dr. Temujin wrote:Dear Spehss Emprah,
How can I, once thaut so BAHLD and FEWLISH, get sum speaking lessons? Can you dierect me to one who can halp me?
Sincerely,
Commander Boreale
Well as the master of uncounted trillions I understand the importance of having a clear and decisive speaking voice. After all no one would follow my every whim is I had a lisp or a high pitched girly voice.
That's why I went Mr. Vader's School of Awesome Voices. Mr. Vader's has taught some of the finest evil overlords in the Multiverse.
It is an honor to be like writing to the one dude in the whole galactic universe who is more righteous and awesome than I am!
So like I was flying my Storm Raven, doing barrel rolls and crazy Ivans and pulling like 20, 30 Gs no biggie and I'm like, y'know what I should do, I should give Calgar a call! Cause like, he doesn't have any airplanes so I figure he'd want to hear about mine.
So I take out my I-phone XXXXK (special limited edition Grimdark version) and ring him I'm like "Dude! I'm in my airplane now, it's awesome!"
But he's like "Yeah man, check it out I'm in my airplane too! Sweet huh?"
And I'm like "Dude, you don't have any airplanes, I mean except for Thunderhawks but they're Apocalypse only".
And he's like "No dude, I'm in my sweet, sweet, superpimped Storm Talon!"
And I'm all like "You're wha?"
And he's like "My Storm talon, it has like twin linked assault cannons and stuff"
And I'm like "Is that new?"
And he's like "Nah bro, we always had them, just like we always had ironclad dreads and always had thunderfire cannons"
Well I like flew right home to Titan, pulling 40, 50 Gs no biggie, and I checked my codex and there's nothing in there about any Storm Talons, like I figure like Calgar was trying to pull something on me.
It is an honor to be like writing to the one dude in the whole galactic universe who is more righteous and awesome than I am!
So like I was flying my Storm Raven, doing barrel rolls and crazy Ivans and pulling like 20, 30 Gs no biggie and I'm like, y'know what I should do, I should give Calgar a call! Cause like, he doesn't have any airplanes so I figure he'd want to hear about mine.
So I take out my I-phone XXXXK (special limited edition Grimdark version) and ring him I'm like "Dude! I'm in my airplane now, it's awesome!"
But he's like "Yeah man, check it out I'm in my airplane too! Sweet huh?"
And I'm like "Dude, you don't have any airplanes, I mean except for Thunderhawks but they're Apocalypse only".
And he's like "No dude, I'm in my sweet, sweet, superpimped Storm Talon!"
And I'm all like "You're wha?"
And he's like "My Storm talon, it has like twin linked assault cannons and stuff"
And I'm like "Is that new?"
And he's like "Nah bro, we always had them, just like we always had ironclad dreads and always had thunderfire cannons"
Well I like flew right home to Titan, pulling 40, 50 Gs no biggie, and I checked my codex and there's nothing in there about any Storm Talons, like I figure like Calgar was trying to pull something on me.
Right?
Yours,
DRAIGO!
Dear Son,
See, here's the thing. The Adeptus Munitorum has to keep track of a million million statistics, events, products, recruitments, deaths, and so on. It is literally impossible for them to keep track of every single thing that happens with every single human in the galaxy all the time. Even I have trouble figuring all that stuff out, and I'm the Emperor, me-damn it. So if Calgar says he has a new type of jet that the Space Marines always had in their arsenal, just like you guys always had a giant baby-carriage, chances are he does. As long as you can use it to kill xenos and daemons and heretics, I don't really care all that much. Whatever gets the job done, you know?
Oh, and I wish you'd stop bragging about all of your exploits. It gets a tad bit annoying for an old man who's stuck in a Golden Chair for the rest of his life.
Peace,
The Big E.
Dear Emperor,
I'm but a simple Guardsman on the frontlines facing the Tyranids. Seeing as how we've expended almost all of our ammunition, food, and water, we're down to skeleton crews, and the bugs are going to attack us again, is there anything that could comfort us most in our time of most dire need?
Yours,
Guardsman Halls
P.S. My son is asking for a toy lasgun for Emperormas this year. Think you can help me out?
Lord Judicator Valdrakh of the Atun Dynasty (6th Ed: W:3, L:4, D:0)
H.B.M.C. wrote: Well GW were mostly responsible for the Berlin Wall, so it's natural for some people to harbour resentment towards them.
Dear Emperor,
I'm but a simple Guardsman on the frontlines facing the Tyranids. Seeing as how we've expended almost all of our ammunition, food, and water, we're down to skeleton crews, and the bugs are going to attack us again, is there anything that could comfort us most in our time of most dire need?
Yours,
Guardsman Halls
P.S. My son is asking for a toy lasgun for Emperormas this year. Think you can help me out?
Dear Guardsman
Your son has been conscripted into the Imperial Guard. Hopefully he does a better job than his father.
Teh Spess Emperorer
Yo Emps
Why am I not supposed to wipe out those insolent little commies! They are blue xenos. Come on man!
Marshall Helbrecht
8000 Dark Angels (No primaris)
10000 Lizardmen (Fantasy I miss you)
3000 High Elves 4000 Kel'shan Ta'u "He attacked everything in life with a mix of extraordinary genius and naive incompetence, and it was often difficult to tell which was which." -Douglas Adams
I'm a bit confused in the new big book between hull points, victory points, kill points- it's all a bit confusing. That's not even to mention my codex, what with it's blood talons, blood-shard shells (no lie), basically blood everything.
Do you think we could start using some synonyms or something... just to mix things up?
I'm a bit confused in the new big book between hull points, victory points, kill points- it's all a bit confusing. That's not even to mention my codex, what with it's blood talons, blood-shard shells (no lie), basically blood everything.
Do you think we could start using some synonyms or something... just to mix things up?
Yours,
A reader
Dear Reader
Really..... Really.... Feth off.
Signed
Teh Speesss Emprah
Dear Emperor
There seems to be a problem Slaanesh has unleashed its latest horror upon us. It has the power of Greater Demon but is no larger than a woman. It's singing had driven all the young girls on planet Fordan to become screaming idiots. It said its name is Justin Bieber. What should i do to kill this evil?
Signed Inquistor Serkan
8000 Dark Angels (No primaris)
10000 Lizardmen (Fantasy I miss you)
3000 High Elves 4000 Kel'shan Ta'u "He attacked everything in life with a mix of extraordinary genius and naive incompetence, and it was often difficult to tell which was which." -Douglas Adams
I'm celebrating 8 years on Dakka Dakka!
I started an Instagram! Follow me at Deadshot Miniatures! DR:90+S++G+++M+B+IPw40k08#-D+++A+++/cwd363R+++T(Ot)DM+ Check out my Deathwatch story, Aftermath in the fiction section!
Credit to Castiel for banner. Thanks Cas!
Dear Inquisitor,
If fire doesn't kill it, you could always get the Orks to do it. Or Exterminatus. Exterminatus is my favorite...
Teh Spehs Emprah
Dear Emperor,
Why must we be firm allies with the Tau, but not with the righteous Sisters of Battle? Sure, we have our disagreements here and there, but at least they're not XENOS!
A P-O'ed Black Templar
Lord Judicator Valdrakh of the Atun Dynasty (6th Ed: W:3, L:4, D:0)
H.B.M.C. wrote: Well GW were mostly responsible for the Berlin Wall, so it's natural for some people to harbour resentment towards them.
Dear Emperor,
Why must we be firm allies with the Tau, but not with the righteous Sisters of Battle? Sure, we have our disagreements here and there, but at least they're not XENOS!
A P-O'ed Black Templar
Dear Fewl
Do not question my ways. You will protect them and you will like it. Direct all further Question to my bro on Ultramar Marneus Calgar.
Signed
Ur Spess Emprah
Dear Emps
Yo dad We found this great party in the Warp. the girls here are crazy. Can we put off coming back to the Empire for another 2000 years?
Your Sons
Leman, Jaghatai, Corax, Vulcan, Alpharius
8000 Dark Angels (No primaris)
10000 Lizardmen (Fantasy I miss you)
3000 High Elves 4000 Kel'shan Ta'u "He attacked everything in life with a mix of extraordinary genius and naive incompetence, and it was often difficult to tell which was which." -Douglas Adams
I would suggest you do. Upon return you will be grounded for the rest of your lives. That means no fighting, no motorcycles, no drinking, no flying, no playing hide and deek (Corax) and no forging! Alpharius, uh, no, trading places with people. And that goes for your twin as well.
PS, bring me back a Daemonette.
Dear Emps
Please explain why my Heavy Bolter just got lighter? It used to be that I couldn't move and shoot, but now I can. I'm not a great shot when I do but still....
Mr S.Marine
I'm celebrating 8 years on Dakka Dakka!
I started an Instagram! Follow me at Deadshot Miniatures! DR:90+S++G+++M+B+IPw40k08#-D+++A+++/cwd363R+++T(Ot)DM+ Check out my Deathwatch story, Aftermath in the fiction section!
Credit to Castiel for banner. Thanks Cas!
Please explain why my Heavy Bolter just got lighter? It used to be that I couldn't move and shoot, but now I can. I'm not a great shot when I do but still....
Mr S.Marine
Son of my Son,
Oh, don't be silly! Heavy Bolters were always light enough to fire off a snap-shot. Now, why don't you go and run along, I hear the Orks are going to make a 2d6 charge-- umm... well anyways, they're going to attack you soon.
Always have been friends with the Tau,
E.
Dear Mr. Emperor,
I am a Librarian for the Ultramarines. For many decades I have trained under the tutelage of my brothers before me to focus my psychic powers on one single school of powers. Now, just before I go to battle, I suddenly forget one set of powers and instantly learn an entirely different set. Instead of setting my enemies on fire, I now can fire off a giant bolt of lightning. Did something happen along the way?
Signed,
A Concerned Librarian
Lord Judicator Valdrakh of the Atun Dynasty (6th Ed: W:3, L:4, D:0)
H.B.M.C. wrote: Well GW were mostly responsible for the Berlin Wall, so it's natural for some people to harbour resentment towards them.
Dear Mr. Emperor, I am a Librarian for the Ultramarines. For many decades I have trained under the tutelage of my brothers before me to focus my psychic powers on one single school of powers. Now, just before I go to battle, I suddenly forget one set of powers and instantly learn an entirely different set. Instead of setting my enemies on fire, I now can fire off a giant bolt of lightning. Did something happen along the way? Signed, A Concerned Librarian
Dear Concerned Librarian,
Nothing is amiss. It's all in your head. Been spending too much time in the dark hunched over books..
Yours ambiguously, Space Emperor.
/skip/
This message was edited 1 time. Last update was at 2012/06/28 19:57:55
Please help me, a female of the Imperial guard aproached me and touched me inappropiatley, what do i do?
Young Scout
Son of my son,
What are you complaining about? Find that guardswoman and encourage to inappropriately touch you some more! Tell her your "bolt pistol" needs "cleansing of impurities", and that you need to inspect her "krak grenades". Now, get on with it!
Exasperated on the Throne,
Big. E
Dear Wise-and-Omniscient Emperor,
My son asked me a question I couldn't answer: What came first, the egg or the chicken? What should I tell him? Do you know the answer?
A Concerned Mother
Lord Judicator Valdrakh of the Atun Dynasty (6th Ed: W:3, L:4, D:0)
H.B.M.C. wrote: Well GW were mostly responsible for the Berlin Wall, so it's natural for some people to harbour resentment towards them.
Dear Wise-and-Omniscient Emperor,
My son asked me a question I couldn't answer: What came first, the egg or the chicken? What should I tell him? Do you know the answer?
A Concerned Mother[
To "concerd mother"
So he askeed about this did he? I suggest you start administrating harsh beatings to weed out any such heretical thougts. If this fails do contact your local Adeptus Mech and they will return him as a obidient servior
I apologise for my lack of contact. I had "Child" problems. My eldest son was going through "that phase." After that one of my Sons murdered his brother, several others along with their 10, 000 Grandkids each tried to kill the others. Never fear, I destroyed my eldest after he nearly killed me, killed my other son and destroyed my Empire. I am now a skeleton eternally enthroned.on my Golden Throne.
So.how 'bout lunch this week?
Dear Emperor
For years my Regimwnt has taken to the field alone. Leman Russ and Chimera race below Valkeries and Vendettas. We track thtough the trenches. But yesterday a few Blood Angels showed up with a Land Raider and acted like they own the place. The day before some Daemons did the same. They just popped up, and were like "Yo, this is our spot."
WTF is going.on? Troubled Guardsmen
I'm celebrating 8 years on Dakka Dakka!
I started an Instagram! Follow me at Deadshot Miniatures! DR:90+S++G+++M+B+IPw40k08#-D+++A+++/cwd363R+++T(Ot)DM+ Check out my Deathwatch story, Aftermath in the fiction section!
Credit to Castiel for banner. Thanks Cas!
For years my Regimwnt has taken to the field alone. Leman Russ and Chimera race below Valkeries and Vendettas. We track thtough the trenches. But yesterday a few Blood Angels showed up with a Land Raider and acted like they own the place. The day before some Daemons did the same. They just popped up, and were like "Yo, this is our spot."
WTF is going on? Troubled Guardsman.
Dear Troubled Guardsman,
Well, see, it comes down to this. In the great galactic scheme of things, you guys are on the bottom of the proverbial totem pole. While I do regret the daemons pushing you guys around, the Blood Angels do have some priorities above your own. Sorry, but that's just how it is. If you have any further grievances, you can always take it to the complaint department, namely in the form of the Local Commissar's Bolt Pistol.
Keep on doing My work!
E.
Dear Big Boss Dude in Space,
Me and my wife want to have a child, so that he/she can help us do the various chores and one day join the Imperial Guard, like we did. The trouble is, and I'm rather embarrassed to say... well, let's just say my lasgun keeps running out of juice. Is there anything I can do?
Cannot Conceive on Cerulean Prime
This message was edited 2 times. Last update was at 2012/07/03 01:43:46
Lord Judicator Valdrakh of the Atun Dynasty (6th Ed: W:3, L:4, D:0)
H.B.M.C. wrote: Well GW were mostly responsible for the Berlin Wall, so it's natural for some people to harbour resentment towards them.
Dear Big Boss Dude in Space,
Me and my wife want to have a child, so that he/she can help us do the various chores and one day join the Imperial Guard, like we did. The trouble is, and I'm rather embarrassed to say... well, let's just say my lasgun keeps running out of juice. Is there anything I can do?
Cannot Conceive on Cerulean Prime
Dear minion on Cerulean Prim
Well it do seem like you need a new motivator, may I recomend checking out the rather fabelous art known as the sacred Pornografious Multitaskum, if that fails Im sure your neighbour can give your wife a bit of gun power in her battery cell.
If you recive this then you have been made aware that your daugthers known as Sisters Of Boobs/Battels have been arrested for frivouls activites on Springbreakia IX.
Overworked Adeptus Arbites
This message was edited 1 time. Last update was at 2012/07/03 10:18:30
Thank you for this information. Send them to me immediately so I can "punish" them.personally. Relieve them of their armour before hand please.
- Emperor "Big Daddy" of Mankind
/
I got nothing. Someone else go.
I'm celebrating 8 years on Dakka Dakka!
I started an Instagram! Follow me at Deadshot Miniatures! DR:90+S++G+++M+B+IPw40k08#-D+++A+++/cwd363R+++T(Ot)DM+ Check out my Deathwatch story, Aftermath in the fiction section!
Credit to Castiel for banner. Thanks Cas!
Dear Emps
we would like to know if the Sisters of the Dirty Towel could come back to Springbreakia IX with us.
signed
The entire Catachan 349th
8000 Dark Angels (No primaris)
10000 Lizardmen (Fantasy I miss you)
3000 High Elves 4000 Kel'shan Ta'u "He attacked everything in life with a mix of extraordinary genius and naive incompetence, and it was often difficult to tell which was which." -Douglas Adams
Dear Emps
we would like to know if the Sisters of the Dirty Towel could come back to Springbreakia IX with us.
signed
The entire Catachan 349th
Dear Catachan 349th,
Aren't you guys supposed to be on duty? Like on Vraskia Secundus, fighting the Orks or something? Anyways, don't ever ask me such silly questions again!
Lovingly,
The Big E.
Dear Emperor,
I am from the Adeptus Administratum of Segmentum Obscurus, Sector Bajoris, etc. I have seem to come across an administrative error of sorts. I recorded that the Agrippan 257th Infantry Regiment was sent to the fighting on Armaggeddon in M41.999. But then I just found another statistic stating that the same regiment was sent to the opposite side of the galaxy, in the same year! Now, rather than trying to clarify by asking for it to the High Lords of Terra, which will probably result in the answer: "Don't ask", I appeal to you in my greatest sense of respect.
I know you have the answer for all of us.
Peyton Farquar
Administrator #48999261.3
Lord Judicator Valdrakh of the Atun Dynasty (6th Ed: W:3, L:4, D:0)
H.B.M.C. wrote: Well GW were mostly responsible for the Berlin Wall, so it's natural for some people to harbour resentment towards them.
PS It is also interesting to note that Aggrippan was the name of the Ultramarine Dreadnought who died on Damnos
Dear Emps
I have recently come across an ancient tablet stating the world would end in the 2nd Millenium. How can it be true? This is the 41st
I'm celebrating 8 years on Dakka Dakka!
I started an Instagram! Follow me at Deadshot Miniatures! DR:90+S++G+++M+B+IPw40k08#-D+++A+++/cwd363R+++T(Ot)DM+ Check out my Deathwatch story, Aftermath in the fiction section!
Credit to Castiel for banner. Thanks Cas!
I'm celebrating 8 years on Dakka Dakka!
I started an Instagram! Follow me at Deadshot Miniatures! DR:90+S++G+++M+B+IPw40k08#-D+++A+++/cwd363R+++T(Ot)DM+ Check out my Deathwatch story, Aftermath in the fiction section!
Credit to Castiel for banner. Thanks Cas!
Dear Mayan Guy... Maya Ngy... Myeun.... ah to Terra with it, Dear Supplicant,
If only I had a space marine for every time I heard another bloody prophesy of doom... seriously, we'd be able to do that galactic conquest thing again! That was fun, next time though, reckon I'll leave the kids at Creche....
But seriously, why are listening to that crap? If I told you that life was decided on the roll of dice, by some snotty kid that has a huge BO problem, you'd call me crazy right? RIGHT? EXACTLY! So why in my name would you believe some TABLET, that was probably written by some red shirted nonce, prouncing about like he owns the place, spouting as much doom and gloom as he can just to get you to buy his crap? I bet this tablet had some form of fruit logo on it too huh? Wow, those batteries really do kick ass...
Chill dude, you're sounding as pessimistic as one of my old mother in laws...
------------------
Dear Emperor,
We appear to have run out of mains extensions leads. I realise that this is a trifling matter, though we're pretty fubar'd after a Chaos invasion recently (they kept yelling "Amps for the Amp god! Joules for the joule throne of Watt!" - it really was quite a shocking experience....) so we were wondering if you could send someone over with a few? Not many, just... I dunno.... a million should do for now I guess. Just until we can get to our nearest Costco and sort something else out for ourselves.
Please be aware that your new EMPRAH Titan is on hold, as little Timmy Simpkins (Grand Master of the Forge here, who isn't so little any more) can't operate his hand tools until we can get the required leads....
You're lovingly,
Philip "Flathead" Philips
Screwdriver Adjudicant of the Mechanicum
This message was edited 2 times. Last update was at 2012/07/04 12:25:51
i'm afraid you cannot have my extension cords as i need them for my food dispensirs and remote controll rhino tanks and other vital important systems.
Go and steal the from the guard, nobody cares about their extension leads.
Dear Emprah
I recently saw what I thought was a rhino today, with mine destroyed by chaos i thought i would wonder over and borrow it as it was in the middle of the battle and i didn't fancy getting blown up. However I was told I couldn't enter because it was infact a 'not rhino' and they refused entry to GW marines.
Could you please tell them that as a GW marine, i am the most dynamiclly superior bieng who is the best in the world at what I do, and they should let me ride in their inferior rhino
An Angry Marine
Oh man, the first monster I see I'm going to sneak up behind him, whip out my wand, and shoot my magic all over his ass.
Dear Emprah
I recently saw what I thought was a rhino today, with mine destroyed by chaos i thought i would wonder over and borrow it as it was in the middle of the battle and i didn't fancy getting blown up. However I was told I couldn't enter because it was infact a 'not rhino' and they refused entry to GW marines.
Could you please tell them that as a GW marine, i am the most dynamiclly superior bieng who is the best in the world at what I do, and they should let me ride in their inferior rhino
An Angry Marine
Dear Angry Marine,
"Not Rhinos"?! In MY Holy realm?? I ought to get up off my Throne, teleport over to your location, and kill you with MIND BULLETS for suggesting such a heretical notion!! But since I can't, I suggest you find the nearest squad of Grey Knights so they can purge the thing from existence. Oh, and also wipe your memory and stuff.
Really, "not rhinos"...
Your GW and TRUE Emperor,
E.
Dear Future Food,
Hey, Big Guy, I'm Norn Queen #8297663 of Hive Fleet Leviathan. Now, I just picked up a copy of 6th Edition, only to find out us Tyranids have no allies! Seriously, that is the most unfair unbalanced thing ever, I mean seriously, you'd think they'd give us SOMETHING to offset this nonsensery. Do you think you could help us remedy the situation, or at the very least explain to us why this is?
Oh, and if you give us a few allies, the Hive Mind promises not to devour you personally. In fact, we'll just skip Terra altogether and keep on going our merry way.
Thanks,
Annoyed Queen
Lord Judicator Valdrakh of the Atun Dynasty (6th Ed: W:3, L:4, D:0)
H.B.M.C. wrote: Well GW were mostly responsible for the Berlin Wall, so it's natural for some people to harbour resentment towards them.
Given that you called me future food I'm not inclined to believe your offer of bypassing terra. However, I do actually have an ally for you in the form of this gargantuan can of raid.
Now buzz off and stop bugging me!
Emp.
-----
Dear Father,
Why don't yiu ever bloody talk about me? It's always Roboute this, Rogal that, Russ the other bit. Waaah Magnus broke my chandelier.
Where's the love for the khan damnit!?!
Curse is thinking the same thing, and yiu know what he gets like when he throws his teddies out of the pram.
(No primaris)
(Fantasy I miss you)
