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Kasrkai wrote:My avatar defines everything funny about WH40K.

No.

Melissia wrote:

Kasrkai wrote:My avatar defines everything funny about WH40K.

No.

Yes.


Seriously though, Classy, and Classic:

Yzz wrote:

I lol'd so hard

soooooo,

have you heard about the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike?

Grey Templar wrote:soooooo,

have you heard about the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike?

Yes, yes we have.

Mr Nobody wrote:

Grey Templar wrote:soooooo,

have you heard about the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike?

Yes, yes we have.

[not so subtle threat] maybe you would like to refresh your memory? those who do not want their memory refreshed may purchase an exemption license. I accept Paypal, Certified Checks, and cash. preferably cash

Let's get it over with.

I liked the part where he fired his twin-linked bolters.

I mean, I liked the part where he was on the bike.

Did you hear about this one, my favorite 40k joke:

Orks attacking an Imperial world. Warboss is gathering his troops for the final assault, then the voice can be heard from the other side.

-Hey Orks, YOU SUCK!!! We have with us a Space Marine, and that one marine is worth 100 of your boyz.

Warboss all in rage send 100 boyz, none returned.

-Hey Orks, our Space Marine now worth 500 of your boyz.

Warboss send 500 boyz, none returned.

-Hey Orks, our Space Marine is actually worth 1000 of your boyz.

Warboss send his best 1000 boyz on Space Marine. And after 5 minutes only one returned, badly wounded.

-Boss, they are cheating.

-How so?

-There are 2 Space Marines

Or this one:

-Thou shalt not refer to the Adeptus Soritas as "Bolter Biatches" nor shalt thou go anywhere near our sisters during the time of the "Red Rage," lest thou wishes to be the first human to enter orbit without the aid of a shuttle.

Continuing on the Ultraponies, what about Mareneighus Coltgar?

Ogryn Ponies, Clysdales maybe? or just pet food.

Oh dear....

Melissia wrote:
As a side note, it's annoying finding a good techpriestess image for dark heresy roleplays. Most of them really suck, and I just mean the quality of hte art in general...

If you are still looking for a techpriesress image.
Try this one of Zeth form the Horus Heresy.



Or a chibi version



I hope this helped.

Yea play spacewolves they ride wovles.

Brother Coa wrote:

that reminded me of this


while finding that i also found these

Admittedly that is one of the better 40k Space Marine LARPS I've seen.

ChrisWWII wrote:Admittedly that is one of the better 40k Space Marine LARPS I've seen.

this is until they start shouting purge the unclean kill the witch at which point a passerby calls the police. and the armed response unit......

The least they could do is give a fresh spraypaint coat to their weapons...

Here are some, but a bit long.

'Twas the night before 986996.M41, and all through the station
All there was clear, there was no abomination.

My helmet was set on the desk to my right,
On the chance that I was to need it that night.

The guardsmen were ensconced, asleep in their beds,
All the tanks too were safe, secure in the sheds.

Marines in the barracks, some manning the wall,
Assured me that the bastion never would fall.

When out in the yard there arose such discord
I grabbed up my bolter and unsheathed my sword.

Away to the window, I ran to take aim
As the marines around me all did the same.
My bionic eye turned the night into day
Allowed me to see, and to seek out my prey.

When what did my loyalist ocular show,
But an ancient conveyance, knee-deep in the snow.

The vehicle was pulled by horned quadrupeds
And a fiery red nimbus glowed from the sled.

The driver was mighty, his eyes full of scorn,
Dressed all in crimson like a servant of Khorne.

I gestured for other to shoot without pause,
For I was now certain this was Santa Claus.

"Fire Marines! Fire Guardsmen! Fire Ogryn and Ratlings!
Fire bolters! Fire lasguns! Fire mortars and gatlings!"

"You in the courtyard and you men on the walls!
Now blast away! Blast away! Blast away all!"

But all through this maelstrom the evil one flew,
Past plasma and bolt shells and frag that we threw!

And then, to my horror, I heard on the roof
The vile cavorting of each decadent hoof.

Screaming my orders, I spun quickly around,
As down the chimney shaft it came with a bound.

I saw its eyes glow, its vast stomach gurgle,
Bloated and fat, like a deamon of Nurgle.

Blinded by anger, I attacked with a scream -
Charged into battle with my brave space marines.

As we thundered towards him, closing the rift,
He reached in his satchel and pulled out a gift.

Then it tossed the vile boxes - I fell in a stoop,
As they arced through the air at me and my troops.
The wrapped missiles fell short, and plopped at our feet,
Our morale was quite strong, we did not retreat.
But the marines paused - our charge was disrupted,
They picked up the gifts and were quickly corrupted.

For each box contained a chaotic present -
The marines (damn their souls), found them quite pleasant.

A bolter, a flamer, a new power fist,
The Claus gave to all, and he checked off a list.

It moved through the station and left in its wake,
The sound of bright laughter and the stench of fruitcake.

The others succumbed, but it failed in its goal,
For to me it gave only a small pile of coal.
The station was lost, I could only instruct
The bastion computer to set self-destruct.

I failed to kill him, for I saw as I fled,
The target escaping, quite safe in his sled.

I heard it cry out as the base burst into light,
"Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!"



Here's a fun one I found. An Inquisitor found a heretical school of rogue psykers on Terra itself!


Salutations Lord!

I am pleased to report that the heretical witch-coven, the blasphemous sect
known as "Hogwarts School of Wizardry and Witchcraft" has been eliminated,
and every member of this vile cult has been cleansed with fire and sword.
Accompanied by five squads of veteran Inquisitorial Stormtroopers, two
hundred local militia, a dozen arco-flagellants, two Penitent Engines, and
three squads drawn from the Order of the Holy Nimbus, we began our assault
upon the fortress of the enemy at dawn's first light. Although the castle
was hidden from normal sight by a myriad of hexes and foul enchantments,
these wards were easily bypassed thanks to the psyk-out strike launched by
the Persecution, and we were able to begin the assault.

We stormed the grounds, suffering only minor casualties from various
self-defense spell-traps that the enemy had placed within the grounds. These
traps were disposed of quickly by my cadre of sanctioned psykers, and we
able to press on.

We were soon accosted by a heavily-haired mutant of exceptional height and
bulk (see pict attachments 00-03) upon approaching the castle's main
portcullis. He was accompanied by a variety of abominable creatures (pict
attachments 04-16), gruesome beasts which looked like twisted parodies of
ancient creatures of legend- such beasts included a disturbing horse/eagle
hybrid and assorted scorpion/crab-like creatures, each one the size of a
small land car, amongst others. The large mutant challenged us in an accent
I did not recognize, but no doubt it was speaking in some daemonic tongue. I
ordered the attack. The creatures of the mutant beast master took a heavy
toll on the local militia and my Stormtroopers, but our numbers and weaponry
were superior, and the Sisters of the Holy Nimbus swiftly brought down the
creatures with bolter, melta and flamer fire. The giant mutant beast master
possessed incredible strength and endurance, and managed to inflict
crippling damage on one of the Penitent Engines and kill and seriously wound
twenty-three militia, Sisters and Stormtroopers before it was brought down
by the holy rage of the arco-flagellants (three of which perished due to
lethal combat stimm overdose- in death, they have been granted His
Forgiveness).

We consolidated our position and set up a strong foothold whilst our
chirurgeons and Sisters Hospitaller provided healing for the wounded and
mercy for the dying.

To the south, I glimpsed an oval structure that appeared to resemble a
standard Imperial amphitheatre or coliseum (pict attachments 17-20). Six
tall poles, topped with huge hoops, were situated on this "pitch", three at
each end. I theorized that the cult held some form of diabolical rituals or
ceremonies there, and that the hoops were utilized in these.
No sooner had our wounded been comforted and aided by our medical staff, the
witches of the Hogwarts School appeared. I was at first shocked at the
average age of our foe; the youngest seemed to be ten years of standard, the
oldest no more than seventeen. They were led by five older psykers (see
accompanying pict-files 21-25), and they outnumbered us nearly two to one.
At first, I foolishly thought that fighting children would be no challenge,
but I chastised myself, remembering that each of these younglings was an
illegal psyker, taught by their council of the older rogue psykers.
The eldest of the rogue psykers (pict 21), whom I presumed to be the leader,
stepped forward, and I saw the malevolence and hatred in his eyes that spoke
of a man driven insane by the daemonic power that he wielded. He personally
addressed me, giving his name as Albus Dumbledore, but I did not wish to
bandy words with a heretic and a witch, so before he could speak any further
and bewitch me, I disposed of him with my stake crossbow and gave the order
for my force to attack.

Pandemonium erupted immediately. The younger psykers were herded back into
the castle by two of the "teachers"; a wrinkled midget (pict/subject 24) and
a portly woman bedecked with scraps of local flora (pict/subject 25). The
older children retaliated, led by the other two psykers, a crone-faced woman
(pict/subject 22) and a cadaverous man with long black greasy hair
(pict/subject 23).

The psykers launched a variety of psychic attacks that killed and/or
otherwise incapacitated my warriors. I saw some terrible things. Two
Stormtroopers stumbled and fell to the ground, as if their limbs had ceased
to function. Sister-Palatine Lucresia was transmuted in a second from a
proud warrior of the Adepta Sororitas to a pewter goblet. Local militia
either burst into laughter so violent that their blood vessels burst, or
were inflated like carnival balloons. Arco-flagellants slipped and collapsed
as the ground beneath them was turned to ice. I remained unscathed, thanks
to the protection offered by my hexagrammic wards and my accompanying
sanctioned and penitent psykers.

I rallied my troops and pressed the attack. Many of the child psykers were
slain by the accurate firepower of my Stormtroopers and the Sisters, and
they fled in craven dissarray, only to be picked off at the leisure of my
warriors and I. Subject 23 was bisected by Sister Superior Paminda's
eviscerator, whilst Subject 22 met the Emperor's Judgment at the claws of
the Penitent Engine.

We advanced into the castle, gunning down resistance where we found it.
Subjects 24 and 25 were killed as they defended the younger heretics, many
of who surrendered after the deaths of their "teachers". I tasked
Stormtrooper Lieutenant Virone with prisoner detail, and he and his squad
set about dealing with the captured children, taking them to the evac zone
and transferring them to the null-cells aboard the Persecution, where they
would await interrogation and execution.

We finally came across the last point of resistance in the great hall of the
castle; a room so seeped in obscene witchery that I permitted only the
Sisters and my personal staff to accompany me inside- I could not risk the
corruption of the Stormtroopers.

At the end of the hall stood four figures (picts 26-29), all of them young
psykers. Three of the psykers were male, and one was female. They began a
last-ditch defense, but their efforts were in vain. The blonde,
arrogant-looking male (pict/subject 27) was reduced to ashes by my
gun-servitor's plasma cannon, and the freckled, red-haired male
(pict/subject 2 took a trio of bolter shots to the chest. The female, a
young girl with long, curly brown hair (pict/subject 26) surrendered to us,
and I immediately placed an inhibitor upon her (I have since transferred
Subject 26 to my own staff, where she now serves as a penitent psyker).
The final male, a boy with thick black hair, spectacles, and a curious scar
on his forehead (pict/subject 29) was monstrously powerful for one so young,
and claimed the lives of four Sisters, my two gun-servitors, and
Interrogator Delaun before he was stopped. As Interrogator Tesze held him in
the jaws of her mancatcher, I prepared my power stake for the killing
strike. Subject 29 looked at me frantically and cried out; "You idiot
muggle! If you kill me, Voldemort will return!"

I presumed that "muggle" was some sort of profane cult slang. I had no idea
who "Voldemort" was/is, but I assume that the witch's babble was a desperate
and useless plea to prevent me from dispensing justice. I paid his rambling
no heed, and impaled his heart with my sacred power stake.

Our mission a success, we ransacked the castle for any heretical items that
would need to be immediately destroyed to prevent them from corrupting the
servants of the Emperor any longer. We found all manner of wands,
ingredients, spell books and scrolls, and curious orb-shaped relics (picts
30-32; note the curious wings that adorn the tiny golden ball in pict 32).

All was put to the cleansing flame.

Upon our return to the Persecution, I gave the order for Captain Yevonce to
begin the orbital bombardment of the castle, completely obliterating the
vile structure. As we made warp transition to Bethor VIII, my staff and I
began the interrogation of the young witches.

My apologies for the lack of transcripts at this current moment, but I
regret to announce that both my scribe-skull and auto-savant are both out of
ink and parchment, and Interrogator Tesze has been forced to transcribe the
interrogations from the various vox-thief recordings. The transcripts will
be with you shortly, my Lord.

The stain of the Hogwarts coven has been wiped from the Emperor's glorious
realm.

Your Servant,
Inquisitor Predujis Bigotin
Ambushed by the Necrons, our heroes Vulkan and Alpharius fight off the hellish undying warriors of the C'tan to get the Key of Glory to the Gates of Varl!

The Primarchs stand atop a mound of destroyed Necron warriors and Immortals, killing them faster than their bodies can phase out.

Vulkan: "Space Marines! Fight like the Emperor himself is watching! Because he probably is the nosey bastard ...Tau! Fight like the Greater Good depends on it!"

Various war cries emerge from the two sides, and the fighting intensifies ...

Alpharius: "Free cookies to the winning team!"

The fighting escalates to a level beyond mere words.

Alpharius: "WITH HOT COCO!!"

The fighting is now EPIC beyond comprehension. Dan Abnett has nothing against this. The fighting in this giant underground base now makes the greatest battles of the Horus Hereys seem like mere children poking each other in the playground. This is now AWESOME with extra toppings of WIN.

"What do you mean the xenos button is labelled 'Do Not Push'? That's obviously the lies of the xenos! Push the damn button! Push it I say!" - Last Orders of General Eisenhod

"Dark times lie ahead Harry ... Ahriman's your new Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher!"

"What the hell? Where did my Basilisks go?!? Get Eldrad on the line; he'll know where to find this 'Thorpe' ..." - Perturabo, upon receiving a copy of the new Codex: Chaos Space Marines

"You see this? This is a Hugo-Jones-Pattern Vortex Grenade. This is a 'I Don't Care What Save Or Special Rule You Have, You're Dead'. This is a sure-fire way of getting rid of your ex-wife. This is a 100% efficient method of keeping the kids quiet. There is nothing my Vortex Grenade cannot do ... except maybe cool beer ..." - Random Guardsman

Lorgar: "I shall write a piece of literature so undeniably filled with such words of awesome that they will have no choice but to sing my praises and come crawling before me begging for my mercy! Which I won't give ... of course ..."

Vaul: "And so he sought high and low, across the editions for that topic with which to reclaim his past glory as a New York Times best-seller ... he travelled the length and breadth of the galaxy, from the Halo stars to the Squat Homeworlds, to the Eye of Terror to the Ultramar Cluster, and finally ... he arrived at the Craftworld of Biel-Tan ..."

Lorgar stands before the gates of Biel-Tan ... well I say 'gates' ... it's more 'large airlock' ...

Lorgar: "Erm ... is there a doorbell somewhere I could ring ... ?"

A voice calls down from the spires ...

Voice: "Bugger off! We don't welcome Chaos sympathisers here!"

Lorgar: "I'm not a bloody Chaos sympathiser!" Looks at the eight-pointed star plastered all over his armour. "Well ... OK I see your point. Look I'm a journalist ... I'm here for an interview with Eldrad Ulthran!"

Voice: "... that's Ulthwe you slow!"

Lorgar: "I'm looking to write a piece on the Fall of the Eldar and the Rise of Slaanesh-"

Every Eldar around winces in pain.

Lorgar: "Was it something I said?"

Eldrad: "Just the name of the Great Enemy ... nothing important ..."

Lorgar: "Oh ... sorry"

Eldrad: "It's fine ... I don't expect an uncouth individual such as yourself to understand ... well maybe if I say Lectitio Divinitatus!"

Lorgar winces.

Lorgar: "That religion is so badly done. The basic tenets lack proper passion and the prayers brutalise basic High Gothic grammar ..."

Eldrad: "Then you feel our pain ... Slaanesh-" He winces "-as an example of the Eldar state of mind is an embarrassment ... she spends all her time buying shoes and watching porn ... seriously ... what's that for an example of our species?"

Lorgar: "Highly embarrassing?"

Eldrad: "Indeed ...luckily we're working on a new deity ... Ynnead ... God of Sunday Afternoons ..."

Melissia wrote:The least they could do is give a fresh spraypaint coat to their weapons...

It looks like their costumes are still WIP...they just didn't finish in time for the photoshoot.


The Harry Potter story made me lol.

there's another one about Twilight

Grey Templar wrote:there's another one about Twilight

PLEASE LINK ME TO THIS IMMEDIATELY.

I'll see if i can find it.


I might have actually been the author, but it was last year so i can't remember.

Thanks.

My hatred for Twilight knows no bounds, so I will be very satisfied to see it put to Holy Fire.

ChrisWWII wrote:Thanks.

My hatred for Twilight knows no bounds, so I will be very satisfied to see it put to Holy Fire.

as would I but your first post makes it seem otherwise (Just how urgent it seemed)

Hlaine Larkin mk2 wrote:

ChrisWWII wrote:Thanks.

My hatred for Twilight knows no bounds, so I will be very satisfied to see it put to Holy Fire.

as would I but your first post makes it seem otherwise (Just how urgent it seemed)

My thoughts exactly, Hlaine.

Ok, couldn't find it, but i shall write it anew!!!



[Begin Transmission]

[Source] Lord Inquisitor Vaspasian

[Authority Level] Magenta

[Content] Full debriefing

This is the full record of my purgation of an uncovered heretical cult of the most vile nature. I have never encountered, not do any records of ours show, a cult of this nature before. If any cults with similer characteristics are discovered I would tentitivly classify the threat as being Threat level Beta at a minimum. Worthy of the Highest priority level.

I first encountered the Heresy while tailing another Heretic. I came accross the Planet designated 00-495, called Furks by the local inhabitants.

I was horrified to find a significant portion of the population adhering to the worship of Vampires. Vampirism is a supernatural disease which results in the host losing nearly all vital signs including Circulatory and Pulmunary functions(although they are able to fake breathing) The carriers of the disease, rather then draw sustanance in the normal way, feed upon the blood of humans and animals(preferring human blood) Fortunantly, Vampires are easy to identify as their skin sparkels in direct sunlight.

The Act of Feeding is also how the disease is spread. Vampires are social, but also territorial. A Vampire usually kills its victim in the act of feeding by removing a lethal quantitiy of blood. The reasons are 2 fold, such large quantities of blood will sustain the Vampire for a long time and it will prevent the victim from becoming a Vampire himself(a Merciful death) which means less competition for food sources. A family of Vampires usually consists of around a dozen individuals, when a human becomes a Vampire they often will turn their relatives and close friends into Vampires(usually due to them being lonely)

Vampirism seems to render its carrier Immortal and immune to the effects of aging. Vampires also tend to be rapturiously attractive. This might explain the worship on this planet to some extent. I have concluded that this disease stems from 2 of the Chaos gods. Nurgle and Slannesh specifically, although it seems to be mostly Slannesh.

Upon gathering the above information from my interrogation of Cultists(57 total) I formed my plan of action.

My force landed at what i belive to be the heart of the infestation. the City was practically crawling with Cultists and i ordered the 2 Vendettas to strafe the city several times before we dropped in. The large concentrations of Cultists come to meet our onslaught made these passes extremely effective.

We dropped down in a large open square and the effect of the Cult was immediate. Depictions of the Cults primary object of worship were everywhere, as well as his name and the name of his mate(Edward and Isabella), but we didn't have much time to gather our wits as the cultists were upon us.

They came in a maddened press of bodies. screaming the name of their Dieties and wearing the apparel of the cult(Pict feed 1)

Fortunaly, my 3 squads of Stormtroopers had been armed with multiple Flamers to deal with the press of cultists. the battle raged for 11 minutes. I estimate 3-4 thousand cultists were dispatched, we lost 4 of the stormtroopers as they were dragged down and trampled. I ordered my men to reload for the Vampires themselves were coming.

There were over 20 of them, although i did not see their leader among them. Our Hellguns seemed to do little but slow their advance, but the Flamers claimed a dozen of them. dispite their horrific wounds, they ripped my stormtroopers apart with their bare hands, only one squad which had stayed back to give covering fire remained. then they came to me.

Although they were strong, they could not penetrate my Power Armor and i lay into them with my Power Sword and stormbolter. The Power Sword cleave easily through their unclean flesh and holy bolt shells blasted their bodies apart.

in the end, i cast them down, but, to my horror, they were still not dead. severed heads still yelled obcenities at me and limbs grabbed or flailed about on the ground. I ordered the parts to be burned individually before we continued on.

The 9 remainig stormtroopers and myself entered a School which, according to my sources, was the origin of the cult.

I would have wanted to split up and do a through search, but after seeing the obscene strength of these monsters i thought it prudent to stay together.

We then entered the courtyard and we saw, to our puzzlement, around a dozen wolves. We stuck together and we planning on giving them their distance when they approached us. Then one of them spoke to us, but upon hearing him speak I did not hesitate and charged into the beasts. for they clearly were deamonic reinforcements the Vampires had called upon for aid. they were strong, but with holy sword and cleansing flame were put them down. 2 of the stormtroopers were badly mauled and we were forced to stop and tend their wounds.

after a few minutes we heard a voice. A young women entered the courtyard. Her sparkeling skin betrayed her as a Vampire. She had been calling for a Jakob before she entered and saw the bodies of the wolf deamons. She screamed at the sight of the bodies and ran to the side of the one who had spoken to me. She hadn't noticed us yet.

I lept into action and made to destroy this abomination before it could kill any more of my stormtroopers. But she saw me before I had closed the distance. To my puzzlement she did not move to attack, but ran instead. Where the other vampires had been graceful and deadly, she was uncordinated. tripping over the bodies of the dead wolves. I ended her pathetic attempt to flee with a bolt round through her back. at this time I recognized her from the depictions, she was the mate of the Vampire God.

Suddenly I was tackled from behind. I found myself wrestling with the Vampire God himself. He spoke in an incomprehensable tongue, uttering obscenities and curses. He was of smaller stature then the previous vampires we had encountered, but he was posessed of incredible strength. no doubt due to the looming death of his mate.

I couldn't bring my power sword to bear, he had my arms and head locked and only the holy ceramite and servos were kepping my neck from snapping.

I ordered my Stormtroopers to turn their flamers upon us and prayed to the God Emperor the Ceramite would hold.

It did.

the monster finally released his hold and shreaked in pain. the consecrated promethium searing his unholy flesh. My stormtroopers did not stop their flamers until he was nothing but ash.

We then gathered up the bodies of the Wolf Deamons and the female vampire. once they were nothing but soot upon the courtyard stone we then went to clearing the rest of the building. we found several shrines to the Vampires and burned them.

then we returned to my ship in orbit. I thought it prudent to level the town with a lance strike, in case we missed anything.

I thought that was the end of it, but i was wrong.

several weeks passed with intense rioting. Instead of weakinging the cults, I gave them martyrs. Deamonic incursions have appeared accross the planet.

I have ordered an Exterminatus to cleanse the planet.

The Black Templar fleet shall arrive within a few days, my astropath informs me. Furks shall burn, as shall all remaining traces of Vampires.

May Imperial Justice account in all balance. The Emperor protects

Hlaine Larkin mk2 wrote:

as would I but your first post makes it seem otherwise (Just how urgent it seemed)

Oh c'mon!
It's not my fault I got excited at the prospect of burning things in holy fire.