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Ah, it's nice ot see GW's C&D still flies fast and furious when someone spoofs their products. I'm feeling that itch to start a parody webcomic. AND make money off it.
They can come on down to the SNI and file suit here. I'd still love to see a GW lawyer try and explain to the judge why she should rule in favor of them based on the laws of another country.
Fate is in heaven, armor is on the chest, accomplishment is in the feet. - Nagao Kagetora
There once was this Black and White Space Marine on a Black and White Bike, and being the hero-type person that he was, he wanted to marry the commander's daughter. So he went up to the palace, and the guard naturally inquired "Who goes there?"
To which the Black and White Space Marine replied: "I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike and I want to marry the commander's daughter."
"Not the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike?"
"Yes, the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike."
"OK, pass."
So the Black and White Space Marine proceeded up to the commander's chamber.
"Who goes there?" asked the commander.
"I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike and I want to marry your daughter" replied the Black and White Space Marine.
"Not the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike?"
"Yes, the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike."
"OK, if you complete three tasks, you may take my daughter's hand in marriage" the commander told the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike. "Your first task is to slay the dragon on Xylon III".
On the Black and White Space Marine's way out, the guard once again asked, "Who goes there"?"
To which the Black and White Space Marine replied "I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike and I want to marry the commander's daughter."
"Not the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike?"
"Yes, the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike."
"OK, pass."
The Black and White Space Marine then proceeded with ease to kill the dragon and six months later returned with the head of the foul beast. On his way into the palace the guard inquired "Who goes there?"
To which the Black and White Space Marine replied "I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike and I want to marry the commander's daughter".
"Not the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike?"
"Yes, the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike."
"OK, pass."
So the Black and White Space Marine proceeded up to the commander's chamber.
"Who goes there?" asked the commander.
"I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike and I want to marry your daughter" replied the Black and White Space Marine.
"Not the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike?"
"Yes, the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike."
"OK, if you complete three tasks, you may take my daughter's hand in marriage" the commander told the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike. "Your second task is to climb the highest peak on Desgrus Beta".
On his way out the guard once again asked, "Who goes there?"
To which the Black and White Space Marine replied "I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike and I want to marry the commander's daughter".
"Not the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike?"
"Yes, the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike."
"OK, pass."
The Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike easily climbed the mountain and returned 4 years later. On his way into the palace the guard inquired "Who goes there?"
To which the Black and White Space Marine replied "I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike and I want to marry the commander's daughter."
"Not the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike?"
"Yes, the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike."
"OK, pass."
So the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike proceeded up to the commander's chamber.
"Who goes there?" asked the commander.
"I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike and I want to marry your daughter" replied the Black and White Space Marine.
"Not the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike?"
"Yes, the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike."
"OK, if you complete three tasks you may take my daughter's hand in marriage" the commander told the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike. "Your third and final task is to swim across the acid lake outside the palace."
On the Black and White Space Marine's way out the guard once again asked, "Who goes there?"
To which the Black and White Space Marine replied "I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike and I want to marry the commander's daughter."
"Not the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike?"
"Yes, the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike."
"OK, pass."
The Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike never returned. Meanwhile, back at base, all of the captains celebrated, saying things like, "thank the god-emperor he's dead, that moron." however, when a ten-foot tall black and white cake was presented to the commander, out pops the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike who, for the final time, says to the commander,
"I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike and I want to marry your daughter."
The commander asks in horror,
"Not the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike?"
"Yes, the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike. May I marry your daughter now?"
"I DON'T HAVE ONE, YOU MORON!"
Apparently the Imperium is ill-equipped for a siege. Therefore I have proposed the development of siege guns, siege tanks, siege rockets, siege armor, siege planes, siege ships, siege wagons, siege bikes, siege boots, siege dogs, siege cats(for the siege rodents), siege eating utensils, siege horses, siege rations, and siege babies. Oh, and siege-spouses, especially of the female variant.
“Governor, I’m by no means a strict man. But the reports I have been hearing have shocked even me. If what they say is true, it will not bode well for your title.”
The two men were seated on either side of the Governor’s desk, drinking tea.
“Why, Sir Inquisitor, I am shocked! What could you mean by such allegations?” The governor was a heavyset man, tall and broad. If he hadn’t known better, the Inquisitor would have sworn the man had Ogryn blood in him.
“Unseemly actions of your men. Possibly, the taint of Chaos. Even… that foul xenos have infiltrated your army.”
The Governor stood abruptly, setting his teacup down firmly. ”Are you accusing my men of heresy, sir? My men are clean of Chaos, I can swear on my life! They may not be… the most tidiest or formal of soldiers, but my Planetary Defense Force are true warriors in every sense of the word!”
The inquisitor looked at the other man, unimpressed by his posturing. ”Calm down, man. If I had anything but hearsay, you would already have a laspistol to your head. I am merely here to see if there’s any truth to the rumors.”
“You’ve come at a good time, then. We’re holding the bi-annual training tournament at the moment, the last training before the troops leave for Elkoss VI.” The governor smiled thinly at the Inquisitor. “You can consider having it held in your honor, if you want.”
---
The training grounds were relatively far from the palace grounds, it seemed. At least, the old guardsman took a long time to drive there in the regimental car.
“ARE YOU SURE THIS IS ONLY THE TRAINING GROUND, GUARDSMAN?!” The guardsman swerved round a crater and jammed his foot on the accelerator. “What? Sorry, sir, I can’t hear you over the Basil-“ Another series of explosions rocked the ground, an almost constant krump-krump-krump. “We’re here, everyone out!” The governor had pulled on a massive power claw out from somewhere in the back of the car, and was already striding towards the concrete barracks.
“Well, then, Inquisitor, come in and feast your eyes on some of the finest of the Imperial Guard!” Green helmets. Green armor. Green boots. Green- well, almost green everything. “Governor.”
”Yes, Inquisitor?”
“What exactly am I looking at?”
“Why, the PDF being trained here, of course! What else?”
The barracks were full of soldiers, kitting themselves up and getting ready to go. In the maelstrom it looked like no-one had noticed the pair of humans at the door.
“And the green skin…?”
“Ah- we’re trying an experimental procedure of permanent camouflage. I’ve had an idea to train all of my troops extensively in the Doctrine of Stealth-”
“And the fangs for teeth?”
”Bad dental hygiene, I’m afraid. We’re not the richest of planets, and we can’t afford EVERY bit of cleaning-”
“Governor,” the inquisitor snapped, “These ‘men’ of yours are clearly orks! What the hell is going on here?”
The Governor looked bemused. “Corporal, get over here!” One of the soldiers, hesitating for a second, ran over. “Are you a human or an ork, Corporal?” “Me, boss? I’z definnily a humie, ain’t that right, boyz?” The other muttered various forms of agreement. “Yer right!” “Izza humie fer sure, heh!” ”Look, Inquisitor, we all know that orks are short, squat creatures. These fine humans are nothing of the sort!” It was true; the ‘guardsmen’ were all well muscled troops, above average height and looked menacing. The inquisitor muttered something under his breath and marched out.
---
“They’re everywhere!” he said, looking out at the battlefield.
“Of course, dear inquisitor. This IS the training grounds for the guard, after all.” The inquisitor looked on in near horror as two sides of the “guard” jumped out of their trenches and charged the other, meeting in the middle with an almighty crash. Limbs flew everywhere. “And what exactly are you training them for here, then? How to die?!” A basilisk shell crashed into the fray, blowing one unfortunate individual to pieces. “And WHY ARE YOU FIRING ARTILLERY INTO YOUR OWN BASE?!”
“Oh, they’re practicing basilisk- rapid-fire. You’ve got to hand it to those boys, even though they’re not the most accurate, they can get off three times as many shells as the other armies! Pretty good, eh?”
One of the soldiers, larger than the others, ran up. “Boss, we’z got the tanks reddy fer inspekshun!” The governor nodded. “Carry on, Sergeant!” “They’re, they’re orks… you can see that, can’t you?” ”I have no idea what you’re talking about.” The two of them were walking past the firing ranges, now, with the sound of las-rifles piercing the air. However, something sounded slightly… off. “For instance, do Orks use las-rifles?” The governor nodded towards one corporal who was charging at his target, firing as he went. “Las-rifles do NOT sound like that!” As the corporal got closer, yelling, the sound of him shooting grew louder – zakkazakkazakkaZakkaZakkaZAKKAZAKKAZAKKA!! “Are you sure? We’ve got some excellent tech-priests.” “Right, I’m sure…”
---
“ROIT, BOYZ! FOLLOW ME TA GLORWAAAAAAAAUGH!!” The speakers on the baneblade blared out over the field. As it rumbled forwards, the mob of infantry followed around it. “Those really aren’t standard parts for a baneblade! You’re not allowed- YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO TAPE SPIKES!! Techpriest, how could you allow such sacrilege?!” The red-dressed, bionically clawed man span around to face the Inquisitor. ”Techpriest? I am no techpriest, good sir! By the Emperor, I’ll have you flogg- Ah?” The governor chuckled. “Inquisitor, meet Commisar Kleinst.” Kleinst bowed, turning to meet the man properly. “My apologies, my lord. My eyesight was not as well as it once was.” It was not just his eyes – the commissar looked more mechanical than human, with a giant robotic arm and both legs, and both eyes replaced with bionic implants. “No harm done, commissar. Tell me- you have noticed something odd about your men, haven’t you…” The commissar looked surprised. ”How did you know, sir? They’re the fiercest soldiers I’ve had the chance to serve with. I wish I could go with them, but for these damn implants..!” ”You haven’t seen anything… odd about them?” ”Well… not really. I’m afraid these bionic eyes let me see in black and white. I can’t fault the techpriests, of course. They’ve tried their hardest, but I guess the machine spirits don’t smile on me.” “Carry on, Commissar.” The crippled man nodded curtly and strode off, shouting at another group of soldiers. “A good man, even if he’s not as well as he used to be. Now, has that set your mind at ease yet?” The inquisitor started shaking his head when another basilisk round exploded nearby. “And that- what- by the Emperor, how does that even-?!” He ran over to the Leman Russ tank that had been hit. Its maintenance cover had been ripped open, and it was obvious that the engine was completely missing.
A hatch flipped open and one of the drivers clambered out. ”Zog it, looks like itz busted.. OI, TECHPRIEST, GET YER LAZY BUTT OVER ‘ERE!”
The techpriest was certainly impressive. With a metal jaw, several metal arms and a ragged red cloak, he ran across the field. “OI HEAR THE MACHINE GUBBIN- no, wot wazzat again, SPIRITZ!” He took out a handbook and looked at it carefully. “Anin-anno-anoin.. put der oilz on it while beesechin the machine’s gubbinz… lessee.. OI, SPIRITZ! WAKE UP ALREADY!” He splashed some… liquid into the empty engine cavity. “Thanks a ton, boss! WAAARR-THA-EMPERRRRAAAAAAAAUGH!!!” The tank roared off, leaving the inquisitor silently in its wake.
---
He remained silent even after they reached the field headquarters.
“Look, our forces are so dedicated they allow their children to help wherever they can.” And it seemed true; small green-coloured folk ran around, carrying all sorts of gadgets. Listening carefully, he overheard a small voice. “Quiet, ya gits, we’z got a good gig going on ‘ere. These boyz are giving us some reel flash dakka, and we’re lootin some good gubbinz, too. Now we wait for the big boss to give the signal, and then we’re off, ok?”
“…Are you all right, Sir Inquisitor? Do you need the help of a psyker? Sanctioned psyker, to me!” The inquisitor spun about, alarm in his eyes. Forward shuffled the psyker, two guards accompanying him and gently leading him forwards. “MY MOIND BEARZ A GREAT PAAIN..” “No. No!” The inquisitor lashed out, knocking back the cowl to reveal a bandaged green face. “OW! IZZA GOOD PAIN!” “No, no, NO!” He shoved the psyker over backwards. “IZZA GOOOOD PAIN-“ ”Shut UP! Governor, follow me!”
The back room was quieter. The inquisitor was breathing hard. “Perhaps you doubt my ability, Inquisitor.” The governor’s voice was silken. “You’re damn right I doubt-“ “But you see, the High Lords trust me to the extent that they’ve given me control over a Callidus assassin.” The Inquisitor didn’t jump as he gently pushed the poison-tipped blade away from his throat. “I… see. Well, I’m not one to doubt the High Lords.” He looked at the assassin, mercifully in the shape of a pretty, pale-skinned young woman. “But they wouldn’t have released an assassin to you without a specific mission in mind. Tell me, why were you sent here?” The Callidus answered him. “CAN’T SAY, BOSS. IZZA SEKRIT.”
---
Back at the palace. The inquisitor and the governor were on opposite sides of the table once more. “Well, inquisitor. Have you satisfied yourself enough?”
“I have, I’m afraid. At first, I didn’t believe it. Those ‘men’ out there, are clearly orks, and whether you’re trying to hide it or you really just don’t believe it, the verdict is the same. Even the most radical inquisitor couldn’t accept this! Damn filthy xenos infesting the Guard? Give me a break! I have no choice but to sentence this planet to be purged, and you, personally as a heret-“
---
Sister Catha looked over at Sister Lestrine. ”Have you noticed anything odd about the Inquisitor, lately?” The other sister shook her head. “No, why?” ”I can’t help but feel something’s wrong…” They both quickly turned back to their duties as a voice roared up from Inquisitor’s room. “I’Z CAN HEAR YOU, YA GITZ! GET BACK TA’ WORK!”
Spoiler:
Orkron
It was rather worrying, thought the Necron Lord, to have such a large gap in his memories.
The last raid had been an utter failure, as it recalled. There had been the hated living, swarming on his – HIS planet, crawling over the once-blasted plains and barren soils. Now awakened after so long, he had marshaled his grand forces to strike at the enemy. Even with their powerful guns, the pitiful bovine creatures dressed in beige and tan had perished by the hundreds, their citizens, their troops. By the Star Gods, they were crawling all over the surface! He made a note for his next body to be made several times larger than standard, to make the harvest easier.
He had marched straight into their capital in a slow parade and taken the heads of their blue-skinned leaders with his own warscythe, sending them running in fear of death itself. And then there had been that strange asteroid, crashing down upon the city with brutal precision…
He had not minded, waking once again in a new metal body, as he had done so long ago. He had not minded, finding half his systems still unfinished and his chronological marker showing a half-cycle round the sun had passed – the price to pay for such upgrades to size and raw power. He even almost applauded the fact that monolith monitoring statistics showed almost more blood had been spilled than the whole of last cycle. But the fact that almost his entire force of Necrons had converted themselves into Flayed Ones was rather disturbing.
The Necron Lord, in his new, giant body, stumbled from the Monolith portal back onto the surface. Warscythe in hand, he watched his forces do their deadly work, killing even the animals that roamed the surface. Watched one necron kill the small being with its mouth, crushing its head with a metal jaw. He mentally nodded to himself, killing being what a necron’s job is. Very good. He screeched his rallying call, summoning the warriors and servants to do his bidding.
And they came, shambling and tottering. Hundreds of his finest infantry, metal exoskeletons dragging themselves over the ground, swathed in the flesh of his enemies.
Rather a lot of flesh, now he came to think about it.
And he certainly didn’t recall seeing any enemies with green skins, either… the lord of death made another note to ask where his troops were getting their decorations from.
“[Brothers!]” he screeched (perhaps it really wasn’t a good idea to have swapped out the communications and life-sensing array for the extra extra large pauldrons? Ah, a bit too late now to change his order) “[Heed my call! The enemy of us all are here, on our surface!]” He pointed towards the next city (he’d made a whole annotated to-do list, starting with ‘wipe out all significant pockets of populations’, followed by ‘kill any other sentients nearby’, ‘finish up by gaussing all the wildlife, plantlife and microscopics’ ‘check answering machine’ and ‘go back to sleep’) with his warscythe and roared. They answered him in the necron way – a howling omen of death and despair, sure to tell all who heard their death was imminent.
The Necron Lord tapped the side of his metallic head. They weren’t usually that loud.
The harvest in the city had been a bountiful one, and the Necron Lord’s fears had mostly been allayed. Still, there had to be some major flaws in the resurrection tomb system, what with the Flayed ones using non-standard gauss weaponry instead of their claws, and more flayed one torsos being mounted on destroyer bodies. He couldn’t doubt their effectiveness. The Tau (as his inbuilt translator told him they were called) had broken and run once more when the metallic green monstrosities started clambering out of the broken streets and tearing into their fire teams with green lightning and claws. Lots of green. It was then he noticed the internal alarm going off – those wretched living had the gall to attack the necron staging grounds! Grabbing a nearby destroyer, he stepped onto its metallic carapace, gesturing back to the Monolith. “[My subjects, we must make haste! Back, back to the monolith! Destroyers, Spyders! Split to two groups and flank the enemy! The rest of you, ready your phase units! My signal will tell you when to strike!]” The destroyer he was on turned to look at him, puzzled. The metal jaw moved, speaking the long-dead necrontyr language. “[Er… You’z want us to go over dere and crump da Tau, boss lord?]” “[…Yes, that is what I spoke. Come hither, my army! Strike, strike them all dow-]”
Nearly falling from his mount as it jerked forward, the Necron Lord grabbed onto the shoulders of the Destroyer. He’d really have to check the Monolith diagnostics for corrupted repair algorithms. This one’s power core was so out of alignment he could feel the heat of it right through the dead flesh.
“[Be ready my subjects! They will know their fate tonig-]” “[QUIT YER YAPPIN, BOSS! WE KNOWS HOW TA GET REEL KILLY ALREADY!]” The Necron Lord almost lost his footing again. How dare- How DARE his subjects talk back to him? Why had- ah yes.. flayed ones. While the immortality process that the necrodermis granted them had dulled most of the necrontyr minds, it was sometimes the case some memories remained.. and the flayed ones were the most erratic. Having been drawn from the ranks of the insane, it wasn’t surprising their politeness was lacking.
Calming down, he tried to remember the management courses he had sat through when still one of the hated living. ‘When trying to deal with unfriendly workers, remember to-’ Ah, yes, that was it. A gout of green blaze engulfed the outspoken flayed one, sending its destroyer body crashing to the grass. ‘Remember to assert your authority first.’ ”[WHO ELSE WISHES TO DOUBT ME? YOU WILL KILL! THAT IS YOUR ROLE! WHAT SAY YOU?!]”
A half second of silence. Then- “[WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUGGHHHHH!]”
The Lord only tilted his head, this time. It was kind of catchy the more he heard it.
As they crested the hill, his jaw dropped. The Monolith was awash with gauss energy, splaying its deadly arcs of lightning everywhere. Quite literally, everywhere – it looked like someone had been modifying it a great deal, a quick count showed at least 12 more Flux arcs on it, as well as – were those infantry-class flayers mounted there? Who’d been tampering with it?
The Tau, with the loss of their high command, had seemed to lose hope, sending a near-suicidal charge at the Monolith. Thousands of Kroot lay dead already, their bodies stripped of flesh. But the meat had had some effect – smoke came from the black (well, /mostly/ still black, he’d really have to have words with the necron who’d done this) pyramid, pierced by hypervelocity rounds. Still the Tau came, unaware of the danger he brought.
He crashed into them, taking their lives with wanton lust, tearing through their screaming ranks. His forces followed suit, ripping armor off crisis suits to rend the flesh beneath, beating fire teams to death with their own shielding drones. He laughed as they tried to regroup, walked straight through their (mostly) ineffectual fire. ”The monolith!” cried one T’au. “If we destroy that this will be over!” He made a point of killing that one personally.
It had been a slaughter from that point onwards. As it had always been. As it should always be.
Once again, analyzing the statistics he found himself surprised by the after-battle results. Yes, the added gauss flayers and flux arcs were against building regulations. Yes, the new paint job wasn’t authorized. However, results were results. The AI in the building must have been motivated by the effort someone had put into redecorating – it had boosted firing rates and movements almost 300%. And the kill to damage ratio- ! All right, the Lord decided. It wasn’t as if red paint jobs were unheard of. Especially if it was the blood of the once-living.
“[Immortal! Was it you who oversaw the modifications to the Monolith?]” “[Yer wot, boss?]” The Lord paused as he worked out how to talk to an obviously mind-damaged Necron. “[You put more guns on the pyramid thing, and painted it red, yes?]” “[Ah, wuz me all right. Heheh, fixed it good.]” The immortal seemed pleased with itself, the large metal exoskeleton heaving with enjoyment. “[Tell me, what was the scheme you had in mind when making it?]” “[Uh… we’z made it Or- I mean, we made it ded killy by adding more flash bitz.]” He nodded sagely. More killing – that was indeed the ultimate aim of all Necrons. “[Good. See that all our monoliths are modified like this. And try to fix the repair protocols while you’re at it – I believe I need a few holes patched up, so make it good.]” The immortal nodded enthusiastically. “[Uh, boss? C’n we add spikes?]” “[…Sure, why not?]”
He awoke again, some time later. It seemed that his head had become much more clearer after that third slumber. And this time, he had resized to become even larger than his last incarnation. Good, good. All the better to kill with.
Towering over his minions, he stalked out of the monolith portal once more, personal gauss generators glowing green in the dark night. All the sentients on this planet had been purged. Yet his urge for death had still to be satisfied. He summoned his troops once more.
“[YOU’Z LOT! WE’Z DONE WELL WIZ OUR EFFORTZ SO FAR!]” The Lord paused for a second, checking his speech pattern. Strange. Oh well, the logs showed that Immortal HAD overhauled the repair facilities, and a good manager did learn the lingo of his company. “[BUT WE’Z GOT A LONG WAY TO GO, ROIT?! DERE’Z A LOT MORE STUFF TA CRUMP OUT DERE!]” The fleet had been summoned, the AIs-controlled ships speeding to transport them across the stars.
“[WE’Z BRING DEFF TO DEM AWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUGH!!!]”
They followed in his warcry.
Oh, he’d have some rather interesting ideas to spread at the next Necron board meeting...
Spoiler:
Adeptus Orkastes
[Excerpts from The REAL Life in the Guard: Tales of a Harakoni Warhawk]
…And we had been bogged down for days after the initial grav-drop, leaving us in the middle of an angry Tyranid force with no resupply, no reinforcements. Regimental command had ordered us to hold our ground, and we all know when they tell you to hold ground, they mean for you to die for the Emperor.
We were of course willing (and eager, Commissar [CENSORED BY ORDER OF COMMISSARIAT] made sure of that) to shed blood in his name, but it turns out that day most of us didn’t have to. They came without warning, crashing down amongst the xenos scum. Have you ever seen something that reminds you that you’re part of something bigger, something unimaginably big? This was one of those sights, watching the drop-pods burn through the atmosphere. I have fought over a hundred and eighty different worlds, and heard the stories of the Adeptus Astartes, seen for myself the raw ferocity of the Space Wolves, torched Servanus VIII alongside the Salamanders, barely escaped an Exterminatus conducted by the Ultramarines, and even gunned down enemies running in horror when they heard the Grey Knights were coming (They didn't, incidentally). Yet the sight of these Adeptus Astartes, ones that I had never seen or even heard of before, reminds me of how our glorious Imperium is the largest of all that is.
Those brave men, those pinnacles of humanity did not even bother to activate their retro boosters for their drop-pods, letting the ground – and the enemy’s bodies - halt their descent. Then, leaping into battle, they laid waste to the Tyranids around them. I recall one of them landing nearby, crushing Kay and his precious vox-caster. One of them stepped past me, power armor gleaming in yellow. And he fired, a blaze of death raining upon the Imperium's foes, chanting in the Emperor’s glory. "PURGE, PURGE, PURGE, PURGE!" It was answered by his brothers. "CLEANZ CLEANZ CLEANZ CLEANZ!" "KILL KILL KILL KILL!" Glorious. One tyranid, managing to skip past the torrent of bolter rounds, impaled that warrior with one claw – yet without pause, he simply fired directly into the thing’s face (or groin, I don’t know how filthy xenos breed) until it was blown away. "YA THINK YOUZ CAN TAKE ME?! I'Z GOT ME POWA ARMOUR, I'Z GOT THE BEST BITZ OF HUMIES IN ME GUT!" And he carried on fighting, without stopping His holy work.
I have not described our saviors yet. Let me take a moment to rectify this – the Space Marine that rescued us were apparently named after their enormous size. And let me say, the Emperor’s Giants were aptly named. Over fifteen feet tall, they stood, nearly matching our sentinel walkers in height. And they outweighed them, too – I had seen one of their massive veteran Terminators carry a hammer the size of a Baneblade engine, and swing it hard enough to send a hive tyrant’s leg flying over the rest of their forces. They must have been a truly ancient chapter – the amount of repairs and patches to the holy power armor was testament to that. The array of forces made me want to praise the Emperor in my codpiece, if you know what I mean. Their strength seemed to be their firepower, holding larger-than-possible weapons, carrying bolters that seemed more fitting on our armored divisions and hand-held flamers that would put Hellhounds to shame. And their vehicles- ! They must have been the latest advanced designs from Mars, newly approved by the techpriests. Such firepower! Such ferocity of shape! They had mounted extra weaponry on their Land Raider, and opened up the top to allow them to fire out of – fearing not their enemies, and wishing to inflict ever more harm – that was their doctrine. Their melee weapons were not to be found wanting, either, giant chainswords that would bisect whole squads nearby, enormous hammers and power fists. The specialized designs gave them extra reach, no doubt, and they were certainly “lots more choppy dan der uz-ual choppaz”. What wise words of wisdom.
But back to our rescue! Once the Giants had pacified the Tyranids near them, they cheered in the Emperor’s name, a long and heartily felt “FER DE EMPERAAAAAAAAAUGGGGGGHH!” that we all joined in. Then, the same space marine came over to our squad, carnifex claw still hanging out of his chestplate.
“WHY’Z YOU NOT GOT GOIN’ YET? WE GOTTA WHOLE PLANET ‘TA PURGE!” Commissar [CENSORED BY ORDER OF COMMISSARIAT] was about to speak up when the honorable Astartes interrupted him. “YOU’Z A RED ONE, AIN’TCHA? YOU’Z MOVIN TOO SLOW!” And with that, he crushed the Commissar with one blow of his fist. Not even a power fist, I might add.
We all cheered. That commissar was almost certainly a heretic, anyway.
---
I heard them celebrating as their main forces went past, chanting more devotions to the emperor.
"PURGE DA ‘ERETIC!"
"BURN DA MUTIE!"
"KILL DA UNCLEAN!"
"…Nah, ya got it wrong, ya git! It’s BURN da ‘eretic, KILL da mutie, PURGE da unclean!! NOT ‘DAT ‘ARD TO ‘MEMBER, EH?"
"..PURGE BURN KILL CLEANZ?"
"Eh, good ‘nuff."
It was at that point I made one of the largest errors of my career – given a minute to rest in the Emperor’s name, I leaned against one of the Space Marine drop pods. Immediately, I realized something was wrong when the ground shook and a metallic voice rang out – “I’Z WOKEN UUUP! IZ IT FIGHTAN TIME YET?!” I scrambled away from the pod, for even faithful servants are in awe of the wrath of an awoken dreadnought. And this one looked truly wrathful – someone had painted a giant grimacey face on the front, and its yellow paint was rust-encrusted at the sides. Yet its arms had weapons fit for a Titan, and did I mention this thing was massive yet?! It grabbed Jonas and threw him into the air, smashing his body over the column on the way down.
"EVEN IN DIZ CAN I’Z STILL SERVIN!"
“Aw, no, which git woke up Grakkar da Big-‘Anded?! We only got ‘im ta sleep da last time after dat’ Elfdar raidin’ party!”
“TWINS, DEY WUZ!” boomed Grakkar. He rampaged through the column towards a distant firefight. Serving even after being felled, still purging xenos. Truly an honor to the Imperium.
It was strange, I found, that these soldiers never showed their faces, not even their sergeants, not even in death. I saw one headbutt a Genestealer to submission once, then spin away in a ballet of death to cut down yet another Carnifex.
“Sarge, we’z got a problem!” One of the marines had come up to the front. “It’z a giant wyrm t’ing!” It indeed was a Trygon, as we learned later on.
“TA ME, YA GITZ! TA ME, BRUTHERZ!” The sergeant rallied us with his call.
“D-did you mean us, too, Astartes?” asked Earnst.
“YOU’Z STANDIN NEXT TA ME? YOU’Z MAH BOYZ, THEN! WAAAAAAAAAUUUGGHH!” What could we not do with such comradeship as that? We took up our arms and fought as we had never fought before.
Over eight hundred of the Warhawks died that day, but we did our part – our light infantry holding back the tide of bugs while the Astartes took down the Trygon with only their infantry – several battle brothers fell before it before Grakkar threw the sergeant at it, who flew straight and true into its mouth. It took a very short time to cut its head in two with his chainsword from the inside, and with the death of the big one the Tyranids fell as the Uplifting Primer said they would. With his other hand, the sergeant ripped the massive teeth of the bio-titan out, and held them up for all to see.
“AN OPEN MIND IZ LIKE A FORTREZ – CUZ WE SMASHED IT!”
We cheered.
The Emperor’s Giants departed a week later, after cleansing the eastern continent with holy fire from above. I never saw them again, but whenever I put on my carapace armor and feel the scars from the acid burns, I remember them. Remember those giants among men.
---
[DIZ TEXT CENSURED BY DA AUTH’ITY O’ DA ORDO ‘ERETICUS AND ORDO MALLYUS – INQUIZITOR **************]
Waiting for my shill money from Spiral Arm Studios
Self-proclaimed evil Cat-person. Dues Ex Felines
Cato Sicarius, after force feeding Captain Ventris a copy of the Codex Astartes for having the audacity to play Deathwatch, chokes to death on his own D-baggery after finding Calgar assembling his new Eldar army.
Let me set the scene:
-The Imperium of man stands alone on the brink of destruction. It seems 14 times is the charm in the year 40,000, because Abaddon's 14 Black Crusade has left the Imperium in shambles. If it wasn't for Creed's Tactical Genius and Grimnar's planning, both the Cadians and the the Space Wolves would have been destroyed completely.
- The rest of the IoM have found out about 'The Fallen' leading many to mistrust the Dark Angels and their successors.
-The Tyranid invasion continues to worsen, with more and more planets falling to the unstoppable hunger of the Hive Mind.
-The Necrons begin to awaken fully, and direct their efforts against the Eldar.
-The Dark Eldar keep doing what they were doing.
-Many orks fall under one banner, intent on looting...Mars! Although not nearly enough to sweep humanity away, there is much more than any regular Waaagh!
The Tau continue their expansion, taking imperial worlds while they cannot be defended.
Beset by enemies on all fronts, the Emperor knows this is the end.
"It is time, my sons..." sends the Emperor telepathically. Focusing his power, he opens are portal in front of him, linked to many places in the warp on on planets. Within moments, Khan, Russ, Vulkan, and Corax stand before him, knowing the final battle was to begin. 'You must help me, my sons. IF we are to protect the Imperium, we must use...it.'
The lost primarchs stared at him in disbelief, knowing with that proclamation, it truly must be the dawn of the final battle. There we four doors set around the Golden throne, each with a Chapter Symbol of the four primarchs. Each filed through the door. Focusing his power again, the Emperor shuts his eyes. When they open, they are on a massive planet. The Tendrils of a Tyranid fleet stretch across the sky, the warp clearly visible, churning and pulsing with energy. All the around, the Emperor, stand countless thousands of imperial guard, their tanks, titans, and numerous mortars; as well as thousands of Space Marines and their weapons of war, all teleported by the emperor. But the most interesting thing around the emperor, are four truely massive titans. The titans the Primarchs were sent into by the Emperor.
As the Warp began to spew abaddon's forces, as well as the personal forces of each of the daemon primarchs, and the foul primarchs themselves, the Imperial guardsmen began to cower. "Fear not, my children...." said the Emperor's voice, appearing into each guardsmen's head. "We will win this battle. We cannot lose."
Staring down at the humans were the Chaos Space Marines. the Demon primarchs strode, (and in Fulgrim's case, slithered) forward, laughing as they saw their father sitting upon the golden throne. Suddenly, the unthinkable happened. Each of the four primarch's titans flew up into the air, changing suddenly. Khan's turning into two massive legs, Corax's and Russ' turning into massive arms, and Vulkan's turning into a massive chest. Each of the parts interlocked, standing taller than any of the Titans present, Chaos or Imperial. Although it took extreme effort, the Emperor twisted his lips to a smile, before igniting the retro-boosters on his Golden throne.
A thousand times a thousand voices sang in unison, " Go Go Power Primarchs!
Go Go Power Primarchs
Go Go Power Primarchs
Mighty Morphin' Power Primarchs!"
The Emperor's golden throne landed atop Vulkan's chassis, forming the head of the fabled Emperor-ator Titan.
The Titan lept into action, preforming tons of cheesy kung-fu moves in place.
Chaos. Was. F*CKED.
PART 2!!!!!!11one!
To all those prepared for this final battle, it appeared that Chaos would be f*cked. Except of course, to Abaddon and the Daemon primarchs. Magnus looked up at the mighty Emperor-ator Titan and laughed. "Did you not think we would foresee this event?" Magnus asked, "Come, join me brothers." And the Traitorous primarchs came together, warp energy cascading around them, growing in size. Soon, in the place of the Daemon primarchs stood a demonic mockery of the Proud Emperor-ator Titan. Now the table had...rotated 90º. Both sides were equal. The massive Daemon rushed forward, crashing into the Emperor-ator titan as the ground battle raged around them. As the battle waged on, the Daemon had gained the upper hand. It seemed as if they forces of good would be destroyed, until suddenly...
"Look out!" Yelled Abaddon, and all forces looked to the sky. A massive chuck of planet was racing toward the battlefield. But, it wasn't just any chunk of planet, it was The Rock!
As the Rock crashed down, both massive combatants stepped back. Green energy pulsed around the rock, and it opened, revealing the Lion and Luthor. behind them, the Rock continued to change form, morphing (lol, get it?) into a massive pair of legs, even more massive then the ones already on the Emperor-ator Titan. "I did, Magnus. And I prepared for it" The Emperor-ator titan jumped into the air.
Both arms detatched, and the Khan's titan parts detached from the waist and attached to chasis on either side, upon which the arms reattached. Now, Khan controlled the half the arms, but in cheesy 80's cartoon style, he was somehow seated next to Vulkan. Luther and the Lion bro hugged, having made-up after all these years, and each jumped into the control booth of a leg. The new chassis attached to the legs, and made something far greater. The Emperorator-ator Titan. "No... " Said the daemon, "How can this be?"
"And thats not all," said the Emperor, as a small object flew from the sky and smashed into the demon's face. "What sort of trick is this?" Bellowed the demon as it paused to look at the object. It was a huge tome, with the title, 'The Codex Astartes 2'
'Oh Shi-" began the demon, looking up and seeing air-borne titan above it. In the cockpit, was a stasis chamber. Fulgrim's mind stared up at it, noticing it was slightly different than he remembered. Rowboat was smiling.
Suddenly, the statis chamber opened, and Girlyman plummeted out, kicking the Daemon in the face, before doing a backflip and landing on the Emperorator-ator's open palm. The Titan above them split in two, forming a massive axe for Russ, and a sword for Corax. As they fell to the waiting hands of the Emperorator-ator, Girlyman had made his way into the titan, sitting beside Vulkan. Now, the full power of the Imperium would be released onto Chaos.
"HOLD UP!" bellowed a voice that sounded like glass shattering, a waterfall, and a million mortal voices put together. Tzeentch himself peered out from a massive hole in the sky. "That is Bull SHI-" He began to say, but the Emperor interrupted, "F*CK YOU!"
That of course only made Tzeentch mad. Although he was loathe to do it, he rent the portal even wider, revealing his 3 brothers. As Each God stepped out, the Chaos marines began to grovel and the Loyalists began to retreat.
This was going to be one HELL of a battle.
Possible Part 3 eventually.
The long awaited part three is finally here! (well, I'm going to be writing it now so...whatever. Sorry for the wait, I've been making a Badab War Diorama)
The four Gods of Chaos; Khorne, Slaanesh, Tzeentch, and Nurgle stood next to the massive combined form of the Daemon primarchs.The forces of Chaos and the forces of the Imperium stared at each other for a moment, they the battle begun in full. In a moment, the Emperorator-ator was lashing out at the Daemons with sword and axe, arcs of lightning coursing from the emperor onto the combatants. the Emperor and his Sons fought hard, but there was no way they could defeat the combined might of the four Brothers of Chaos and the traitor primarchs, unless there was someway to turn them against each other. However, as the Emperor mused on this idea, the titan was struck by a bolt of energy, knocking it to its knees. Khorne scoffed at the Emperorator-ator, and strode forward, lifting his axe to strike down the Emperor once and for all. The Space Marines and Imperial guard watched in horror, fearing the worst. Khorne drew back his axe, and swung, the very fabric of reality tearing as the blade passed through. The titan lifted an arm in a futile attempt to protect itself. A blinding light flashed.
When the dust cleared, the titan was unscathed. Khorne stared in confusion, looking at his hand. "My axe is GONE!" He bellowed.
Tzeentch looked at him, 'Gone? That would have taken some sort of tactical geni....CREEEEEEEEED!" All the assembled forces looked up. The Axe was stuck, blades in the ground. Standing on the top, was one badass, Cigar-chompin' mother F*cker. Slowly, Creed reached up and removed his cigar, tapping it and letting the ashes drift down. Looking up at the Deamons, he smiled. "Problem, Khorne?"
Khorne bellowed in anger, preparing to run forward when Tzeentch held him back. "I'll deal with him..." Tzeentch screeched as he prepared a massive bolt of energy. Creed continued to smoke his cigar, waiting. Tzeentch unleashed the bolt of energy at Creed, and a second blind light flashed.
When the dust cleared, the axe was gone. In its place, ashes. Everyone was silent. Jared Kell whispered, "No...not Creed..." Suddenly, the silence was broken by a loud, slow clap. Everyone looked up and saw Creed standing beside the Emperor. "Nice shot. I was expecting it."Creed said, smiling again.
Tzeentch was enraged at his mistake, but not as enraged as Khorne. 'YOU DESTROYED MY AXE" he bellowed, grabbing his borther by the throat in an attempt to strangle him.
Slaanesh spoke up for the first time, "You know, you're kinda hot when you're angry...."
Everything stopped. The chaos marines stopped fighting the space marines. The artillery stopped firing. The Tyranid tendrils stopped moving. The Necrons stopped awakening. Everything.
"WHAT?!" Yelled Khorne, his anger at Tzeentch forgotten. All the Khorne berzerkers turned to the Slaanesh noise marines, preparing to battle.
'oooh. Punish me..." Said Slaanesh before being punched in the face by Khorne.
"Looks like its up to us" Said Nurgle to the primarch Daemon and Tzeentch. As they turned to face the Titan, it had regained its feet. The odds were a little more even, but not by much. That is, untill a massive Psycannon shot hit Nurgle square in the chest, blowing off a massive chunk of flesh and sending Nurglings everywhere. The Grey Knight had arrived.
"I am sorry, my Emperor." Spoke Brother Captain Stern from the helm of the Grey Knight, the Emperor's second line of Defense. Now, it was two on three. The battle between Khorne and Slaanesh raged on to the side. Needless to say, it was getting...scandalous.
Suddenly, a strange braying was heard. The Tyranids had arrived. Swarming over the 'fighting' bodies of Khorne and Slaanesh they began to attack Tzeentch, the Hive Mind wanting to absorb the psychic energy. Tzeentch took one last look at the Emperor and the Grey Knight before fighting off the tyranids. Nurgle and the Daemon primarch were left. "Now its even" Said the Emperor, pushing forward and striking out at the two Daemons, followed closely by the Grey Knight. Suddenly, even more Braying was heard. the plot thicked as it turned out the battle field was the biggest tomb world ever!1! Necrons, Necrons everywhere. Guass was flying around, flaying Chaos, Imperial, and Tyranid alike. Suddenly, two massive Battle Barges appeared. The Blood Angels Battle Barges.
From the bellies of the ships spilled the entiredy of the Blood Angels chapter. The Necrons stopped and looked up at the new arrivals. Dante walked over to the Silent King of the Necrons. Raising his fist, the Necron did the same. Bro-fist! Suddenly, the necrons began to fire only on Chaos and the tyranids. "What the Fu..." Said the Emperor when Dante interrupted saying, "Just go with it, man."
After hours of fighting, the Grey Knight, as well as Khorne, Nurgle, Slaanesh, the Tyranid fleet, and the Necrons had been destroyed. Only Tzeentch and the Daemon primarchs remained to battle the Emperor. (The forces of Chaos and humanity still battled at their feet)
"It seems we are to die together' Said Tzeentch, looking around at the carnage.
"NOT SO FAST!" yelled a voice. Suddenly, the entire Blood Ravens chapter mass deep-striked, simultaneously, unto the battle field. Each battle brother was equpied with a multilaser. Dreadnaughts with multilasers. Captains with multilasers. Termiantors with multilasers. Each member of the chapter opened fire upon the two daemons, the sheer weight of multilaser fire grinding the Daemon primarchs to dust, and wounding Tzeentch. The Emperorator-ator stode forward, slashing its axe and sword across Tzeentchs chest. "No..." Rasped Tzeentch, preparing one final bolt of energy, more powerful than anything before it, and launching it at the Emperor.
Dante stared up at the oddly-slow moving projectile. He knew the prophecy, that one golden warrior would stand between the Emperor and the darkness, was coming true. Igniting his jump pack, Dante flew up and placed himself between the bolt of dark energy and the Emperor. His Axe Mortalis, had a special property. For all its cool background, it was simply a master-crafted weapon. Or was it?
In truth, it was the greatest weapon of all. Dante slashed his axe downward, its blade coliding with the dark energy and lauching it back at Tzeentch.
'NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!' yelled Tzeentch as he was struck by the massive bolt, disintegrating.
A third white light flashed, and all the Primarchs stood around the emperor. Dante stood there to, as well as the captains of every chapter. "I am spent" Said the Emperor, looking out among his children. But my death is not in vain, I have givn you the greatest gift a father can bestow, the Power to Kick Ass!" The Emperor said, his life fading away. "Thank you Dante. I knew your axe had a cool backstory for a reason." And the Emperor passed.
Each of the Primarchs stood, staring at each other. Suddenly, Russ interupted the silence, "I like your neck cut Girlyman!" And all the other primarchs laughed.
Let me set the scene:
-The Imperium of man stands alone on the brink of destruction. It seems 14 times is the charm in the year 40,000, because Abaddon's 14 Black Crusade has left the Imperium in shambles. If it wasn't for Creed's Tactical Genius and Grimnar's planning, both the Cadians and the the Space Wolves would have been destroyed completely.
- The rest of the IoM have found out about 'The Fallen' leading many to mistrust the Dark Angels and their successors.
-The Tyranid invasion continues to worsen, with more and more planets falling to the unstoppable hunger of the Hive Mind.
-The Necrons begin to awaken fully, and direct their efforts against the Eldar.
-The Dark Eldar keep doing what they were doing.
-Many orks fall under one banner, intent on looting...Mars! Although not nearly enough to sweep humanity away, there is much more than any regular Waaagh!
The Tau continue their expansion, taking imperial worlds while they cannot be defended.
Beset by enemies on all fronts, the Emperor knows this is the end.
"It is time, my sons..." sends the Emperor telepathically. Focusing his power, he opens are portal in front of him, linked to many places in the warp on on planets. Within moments, Khan, Russ, Vulkan, and Corax stand before him, knowing the final battle was to begin. 'You must help me, my sons. IF we are to protect the Imperium, we must use...it.'
The lost primarchs stared at him in disbelief, knowing with that proclamation, it truly must be the dawn of the final battle. There we four doors set around the Golden throne, each with a Chapter Symbol of the four primarchs. Each filed through the door. Focusing his power again, the Emperor shuts his eyes. When they open, they are on a massive planet. The Tendrils of a Tyranid fleet stretch across the sky, the warp clearly visible, churning and pulsing with energy. All the around, the Emperor, stand countless thousands of imperial guard, their tanks, titans, and numerous mortars; as well as thousands of Space Marines and their weapons of war, all teleported by the emperor. But the most interesting thing around the emperor, are four truely massive titans. The titans the Primarchs were sent into by the Emperor.
As the Warp began to spew abaddon's forces, as well as the personal forces of each of the daemon primarchs, and the foul primarchs themselves, the Imperial guardsmen began to cower. "Fear not, my children...." said the Emperor's voice, appearing into each guardsmen's head. "We will win this battle. We cannot lose."
Staring down at the humans were the Chaos Space Marines. the Demon primarchs strode, (and in Fulgrim's case, slithered) forward, laughing as they saw their father sitting upon the golden throne. Suddenly, the unthinkable happened. Each of the four primarch's titans flew up into the air, changing suddenly. Khan's turning into two massive legs, Corax's and Russ' turning into massive arms, and Vulkan's turning into a massive chest. Each of the parts interlocked, standing taller than any of the Titans present, Chaos or Imperial. Although it took extreme effort, the Emperor twisted his lips to a smile, before igniting the retro-boosters on his Golden throne.
A thousand times a thousand voices sang in unison, " Go Go Power Primarchs!
Go Go Power Primarchs
Go Go Power Primarchs
Mighty Morphin' Power Primarchs!"
The Emperor's golden throne landed atop Vulkan's chassis, forming the head of the fabled Emperor-ator Titan.
The Titan lept into action, preforming tons of cheesy kung-fu moves in place.
Chaos. Was. F*CKED.
PART 2!!!!!!11one!
To all those prepared for this final battle, it appeared that Chaos would be f*cked. Except of course, to Abaddon and the Daemon primarchs. Magnus looked up at the mighty Emperor-ator Titan and laughed. "Did you not think we would foresee this event?" Magnus asked, "Come, join me brothers." And the Traitorous primarchs came together, warp energy cascading around them, growing in size. Soon, in the place of the Daemon primarchs stood a demonic mockery of the Proud Emperor-ator Titan. Now the table had...rotated 90º. Both sides were equal. The massive Daemon rushed forward, crashing into the Emperor-ator titan as the ground battle raged around them. As the battle waged on, the Daemon had gained the upper hand. It seemed as if they forces of good would be destroyed, until suddenly...
"Look out!" Yelled Abaddon, and all forces looked to the sky. A massive chuck of planet was racing toward the battlefield. But, it wasn't just any chunk of planet, it was The Rock!
As the Rock crashed down, both massive combatants stepped back. Green energy pulsed around the rock, and it opened, revealing the Lion and Luthor. behind them, the Rock continued to change form, morphing (lol, get it?) into a massive pair of legs, even more massive then the ones already on the Emperor-ator Titan. "I did, Magnus. And I prepared for it" The Emperor-ator titan jumped into the air.
Both arms detatched, and the Khan's titan parts detached from the waist and attached to chasis on either side, upon which the arms reattached. Now, Khan controlled the half the arms, but in cheesy 80's cartoon style, he was somehow seated next to Vulkan. Luther and the Lion bro hugged, having made-up after all these years, and each jumped into the control booth of a leg. The new chassis attached to the legs, and made something far greater. The Emperorator-ator Titan. "No... " Said the daemon, "How can this be?"
"And thats not all," said the Emperor, as a small object flew from the sky and smashed into the demon's face. "What sort of trick is this?" Bellowed the demon as it paused to look at the object. It was a huge tome, with the title, 'The Codex Astartes 2'
'Oh Shi-" began the demon, looking up and seeing air-borne titan above it. In the cockpit, was a stasis chamber. Fulgrim's mind stared up at it, noticing it was slightly different than he remembered. Rowboat was smiling.
Suddenly, the statis chamber opened, and Girlyman plummeted out, kicking the Daemon in the face, before doing a backflip and landing on the Emperorator-ator's open palm. The Titan above them split in two, forming a massive axe for Russ, and a sword for Corax. As they fell to the waiting hands of the Emperorator-ator, Girlyman had made his way into the titan, sitting beside Vulkan. Now, the full power of the Imperium would be released onto Chaos.
"HOLD UP!" bellowed a voice that sounded like glass shattering, a waterfall, and a million mortal voices put together. Tzeentch himself peered out from a massive hole in the sky. "That is Bull SHI-" He began to say, but the Emperor interrupted, "F*CK YOU!"
That of course only made Tzeentch mad. Although he was loathe to do it, he rent the portal even wider, revealing his 3 brothers. As Each God stepped out, the Chaos marines began to grovel and the Loyalists began to retreat.
This was going to be one HELL of a battle.
Possible Part 3 eventually.
The long awaited part three is finally here! (well, I'm going to be writing it now so...whatever. Sorry for the wait, I've been making a Badab War Diorama)
The four Gods of Chaos; Khorne, Slaanesh, Tzeentch, and Nurgle stood next to the massive combined form of the Daemon primarchs.The forces of Chaos and the forces of the Imperium stared at each other for a moment, they the battle begun in full. In a moment, the Emperorator-ator was lashing out at the Daemons with sword and axe, arcs of lightning coursing from the emperor onto the combatants. the Emperor and his Sons fought hard, but there was no way they could defeat the combined might of the four Brothers of Chaos and the traitor primarchs, unless there was someway to turn them against each other. However, as the Emperor mused on this idea, the titan was struck by a bolt of energy, knocking it to its knees. Khorne scoffed at the Emperorator-ator, and strode forward, lifting his axe to strike down the Emperor once and for all. The Space Marines and Imperial guard watched in horror, fearing the worst. Khorne drew back his axe, and swung, the very fabric of reality tearing as the blade passed through. The titan lifted an arm in a futile attempt to protect itself. A blinding light flashed.
When the dust cleared, the titan was unscathed. Khorne stared in confusion, looking at his hand. "My axe is GONE!" He bellowed.
Tzeentch looked at him, 'Gone? That would have taken some sort of tactical geni....CREEEEEEEEED!" All the assembled forces looked up. The Axe was stuck, blades in the ground. Standing on the top, was one badass, Cigar-chompin' mother F*cker. Slowly, Creed reached up and removed his cigar, tapping it and letting the ashes drift down. Looking up at the Deamons, he smiled. "Problem, Khorne?"
Khorne bellowed in anger, preparing to run forward when Tzeentch held him back. "I'll deal with him..." Tzeentch screeched as he prepared a massive bolt of energy. Creed continued to smoke his cigar, waiting. Tzeentch unleashed the bolt of energy at Creed, and a second blind light flashed.
When the dust cleared, the axe was gone. In its place, ashes. Everyone was silent. Jared Kell whispered, "No...not Creed..." Suddenly, the silence was broken by a loud, slow clap. Everyone looked up and saw Creed standing beside the Emperor. "Nice shot. I was expecting it."Creed said, smiling again.
Tzeentch was enraged at his mistake, but not as enraged as Khorne. 'YOU DESTROYED MY AXE" he bellowed, grabbing his borther by the throat in an attempt to strangle him.
Slaanesh spoke up for the first time, "You know, you're kinda hot when you're angry...."
Everything stopped. The chaos marines stopped fighting the space marines. The artillery stopped firing. The Tyranid tendrils stopped moving. The Necrons stopped awakening. Everything.
"WHAT?!" Yelled Khorne, his anger at Tzeentch forgotten. All the Khorne berzerkers turned to the Slaanesh noise marines, preparing to battle.
'oooh. Punish me..." Said Slaanesh before being punched in the face by Khorne.
"Looks like its up to us" Said Nurgle to the primarch Daemon and Tzeentch. As they turned to face the Titan, it had regained its feet. The odds were a little more even, but not by much. That is, untill a massive Psycannon shot hit Nurgle square in the chest, blowing off a massive chunk of flesh and sending Nurglings everywhere. The Grey Knight had arrived.
"I am sorry, my Emperor." Spoke Brother Captain Stern from the helm of the Grey Knight, the Emperor's second line of Defense. Now, it was two on three. The battle between Khorne and Slaanesh raged on to the side. Needless to say, it was getting...scandalous.
Suddenly, a strange braying was heard. The Tyranids had arrived. Swarming over the 'fighting' bodies of Khorne and Slaanesh they began to attack Tzeentch, the Hive Mind wanting to absorb the psychic energy. Tzeentch took one last look at the Emperor and the Grey Knight before fighting off the tyranids. Nurgle and the Daemon primarch were left. "Now its even" Said the Emperor, pushing forward and striking out at the two Daemons, followed closely by the Grey Knight. Suddenly, even more Braying was heard. the plot thicked as it turned out the battle field was the biggest tomb world ever!1! Necrons, Necrons everywhere. Guass was flying around, flaying Chaos, Imperial, and Tyranid alike. Suddenly, two massive Battle Barges appeared. The Blood Angels Battle Barges.
From the bellies of the ships spilled the entiredy of the Blood Angels chapter. The Necrons stopped and looked up at the new arrivals. Dante walked over to the Silent King of the Necrons. Raising his fist, the Necron did the same. Bro-fist! Suddenly, the necrons began to fire only on Chaos and the tyranids. "What the Fu..." Said the Emperor when Dante interrupted saying, "Just go with it, man."
After hours of fighting, the Grey Knight, as well as Khorne, Nurgle, Slaanesh, the Tyranid fleet, and the Necrons had been destroyed. Only Tzeentch and the Daemon primarchs remained to battle the Emperor. (The forces of Chaos and humanity still battled at their feet)
"It seems we are to die together' Said Tzeentch, looking around at the carnage.
"NOT SO FAST!" yelled a voice. Suddenly, the entire Blood Ravens chapter mass deep-striked, simultaneously, unto the battle field. Each battle brother was equpied with a multilaser. Dreadnaughts with multilasers. Captains with multilasers. Termiantors with multilasers. Each member of the chapter opened fire upon the two daemons, the sheer weight of multilaser fire grinding the Daemon primarchs to dust, and wounding Tzeentch. The Emperorator-ator stode forward, slashing its axe and sword across Tzeentchs chest. "No..." Rasped Tzeentch, preparing one final bolt of energy, more powerful than anything before it, and launching it at the Emperor.
Dante stared up at the oddly-slow moving projectile. He knew the prophecy, that one golden warrior would stand between the Emperor and the darkness, was coming true. Igniting his jump pack, Dante flew up and placed himself between the bolt of dark energy and the Emperor. His Axe Mortalis, had a special property. For all its cool background, it was simply a master-crafted weapon. Or was it?
In truth, it was the greatest weapon of all. Dante slashed his axe downward, its blade coliding with the dark energy and lauching it back at Tzeentch.
'NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!' yelled Tzeentch as he was struck by the massive bolt, disintegrating.
A third white light flashed, and all the Primarchs stood around the emperor. Dante stood there to, as well as the captains of every chapter. "I am spent" Said the Emperor, looking out among his children. But my death is not in vain, I have givn you the greatest gift a father can bestow, the Power to Kick Ass!" The Emperor said, his life fading away. "Thank you Dante. I knew your axe had a cool backstory for a reason." And the Emperor passed.
Each of the Primarchs stood, staring at each other. Suddenly, Russ interupted the silence, "I like your neck cut Girlyman!" And all the other primarchs laughed.
The End.
(I'm actually gonna write part 4 soon)
PLEASE MAKE THIS ACTUAL FLUFF
Or at least an article.
PM me if you want me to draw anything related to Warhmmer 40k. I will put it in my gallery for all to see.
WAAAGH! Wazrokk Salamanders - 2000 pts
Let me set the scene:
-The Imperium of man stands alone on the brink of destruction. It seems 14 times is the charm in the year 40,000, because Abaddon's 14 Black Crusade has left the Imperium in shambles. If it wasn't for Creed's Tactical Genius and Grimnar's planning, both the Cadians and the the Space Wolves would have been destroyed completely.
- The rest of the IoM have found out about 'The Fallen' leading many to mistrust the Dark Angels and their successors.
-The Tyranid invasion continues to worsen, with more and more planets falling to the unstoppable hunger of the Hive Mind.
-The Necrons begin to awaken fully, and direct their efforts against the Eldar.
-The Dark Eldar keep doing what they were doing.
-Many orks fall under one banner, intent on looting...Mars! Although not nearly enough to sweep humanity away, there is much more than any regular Waaagh!
The Tau continue their expansion, taking imperial worlds while they cannot be defended.
Beset by enemies on all fronts, the Emperor knows this is the end.
"It is time, my sons..." sends the Emperor telepathically. Focusing his power, he opens are portal in front of him, linked to many places in the warp on on planets. Within moments, Khan, Russ, Vulkan, and Corax stand before him, knowing the final battle was to begin. 'You must help me, my sons. IF we are to protect the Imperium, we must use...it.'
The lost primarchs stared at him in disbelief, knowing with that proclamation, it truly must be the dawn of the final battle. There we four doors set around the Golden throne, each with a Chapter Symbol of the four primarchs. Each filed through the door. Focusing his power again, the Emperor shuts his eyes. When they open, they are on a massive planet. The Tendrils of a Tyranid fleet stretch across the sky, the warp clearly visible, churning and pulsing with energy. All the around, the Emperor, stand countless thousands of imperial guard, their tanks, titans, and numerous mortars; as well as thousands of Space Marines and their weapons of war, all teleported by the emperor. But the most interesting thing around the emperor, are four truely massive titans. The titans the Primarchs were sent into by the Emperor.
As the Warp began to spew abaddon's forces, as well as the personal forces of each of the daemon primarchs, and the foul primarchs themselves, the Imperial guardsmen began to cower. "Fear not, my children...." said the Emperor's voice, appearing into each guardsmen's head. "We will win this battle. We cannot lose."
Staring down at the humans were the Chaos Space Marines. the Demon primarchs strode, (and in Fulgrim's case, slithered) forward, laughing as they saw their father sitting upon the golden throne. Suddenly, the unthinkable happened. Each of the four primarch's titans flew up into the air, changing suddenly. Khan's turning into two massive legs, Corax's and Russ' turning into massive arms, and Vulkan's turning into a massive chest. Each of the parts interlocked, standing taller than any of the Titans present, Chaos or Imperial. Although it took extreme effort, the Emperor twisted his lips to a smile, before igniting the retro-boosters on his Golden throne.
A thousand times a thousand voices sang in unison, " Go Go Power Primarchs!
Go Go Power Primarchs
Go Go Power Primarchs
Mighty Morphin' Power Primarchs!"
The Emperor's golden throne landed atop Vulkan's chassis, forming the head of the fabled Emperor-ator Titan.
The Titan lept into action, preforming tons of cheesy kung-fu moves in place.
Chaos. Was. F*CKED.
PART 2!!!!!!11one!
To all those prepared for this final battle, it appeared that Chaos would be f*cked. Except of course, to Abaddon and the Daemon primarchs. Magnus looked up at the mighty Emperor-ator Titan and laughed. "Did you not think we would foresee this event?" Magnus asked, "Come, join me brothers." And the Traitorous primarchs came together, warp energy cascading around them, growing in size. Soon, in the place of the Daemon primarchs stood a demonic mockery of the Proud Emperor-ator Titan. Now the table had...rotated 90º. Both sides were equal. The massive Daemon rushed forward, crashing into the Emperor-ator titan as the ground battle raged around them. As the battle waged on, the Daemon had gained the upper hand. It seemed as if they forces of good would be destroyed, until suddenly...
"Look out!" Yelled Abaddon, and all forces looked to the sky. A massive chuck of planet was racing toward the battlefield. But, it wasn't just any chunk of planet, it was The Rock!
As the Rock crashed down, both massive combatants stepped back. Green energy pulsed around the rock, and it opened, revealing the Lion and Luthor. behind them, the Rock continued to change form, morphing (lol, get it?) into a massive pair of legs, even more massive then the ones already on the Emperor-ator Titan. "I did, Magnus. And I prepared for it" The Emperor-ator titan jumped into the air.
Both arms detatched, and the Khan's titan parts detached from the waist and attached to chasis on either side, upon which the arms reattached. Now, Khan controlled the half the arms, but in cheesy 80's cartoon style, he was somehow seated next to Vulkan. Luther and the Lion bro hugged, having made-up after all these years, and each jumped into the control booth of a leg. The new chassis attached to the legs, and made something far greater. The Emperorator-ator Titan. "No... " Said the daemon, "How can this be?"
"And thats not all," said the Emperor, as a small object flew from the sky and smashed into the demon's face. "What sort of trick is this?" Bellowed the demon as it paused to look at the object. It was a huge tome, with the title, 'The Codex Astartes 2'
'Oh Shi-" began the demon, looking up and seeing air-borne titan above it. In the cockpit, was a stasis chamber. Fulgrim's mind stared up at it, noticing it was slightly different than he remembered. Rowboat was smiling.
Suddenly, the statis chamber opened, and Girlyman plummeted out, kicking the Daemon in the face, before doing a backflip and landing on the Emperorator-ator's open palm. The Titan above them split in two, forming a massive axe for Russ, and a sword for Corax. As they fell to the waiting hands of the Emperorator-ator, Girlyman had made his way into the titan, sitting beside Vulkan. Now, the full power of the Imperium would be released onto Chaos.
"HOLD UP!" bellowed a voice that sounded like glass shattering, a waterfall, and a million mortal voices put together. Tzeentch himself peered out from a massive hole in the sky. "That is Bull SHI-" He began to say, but the Emperor interrupted, "F*CK YOU!"
That of course only made Tzeentch mad. Although he was loathe to do it, he rent the portal even wider, revealing his 3 brothers. As Each God stepped out, the Chaos marines began to grovel and the Loyalists began to retreat.
This was going to be one HELL of a battle.
Possible Part 3 eventually.
The long awaited part three is finally here! (well, I'm going to be writing it now so...whatever. Sorry for the wait, I've been making a Badab War Diorama)
The four Gods of Chaos; Khorne, Slaanesh, Tzeentch, and Nurgle stood next to the massive combined form of the Daemon primarchs.The forces of Chaos and the forces of the Imperium stared at each other for a moment, they the battle begun in full. In a moment, the Emperorator-ator was lashing out at the Daemons with sword and axe, arcs of lightning coursing from the emperor onto the combatants. the Emperor and his Sons fought hard, but there was no way they could defeat the combined might of the four Brothers of Chaos and the traitor primarchs, unless there was someway to turn them against each other. However, as the Emperor mused on this idea, the titan was struck by a bolt of energy, knocking it to its knees. Khorne scoffed at the Emperorator-ator, and strode forward, lifting his axe to strike down the Emperor once and for all. The Space Marines and Imperial guard watched in horror, fearing the worst. Khorne drew back his axe, and swung, the very fabric of reality tearing as the blade passed through. The titan lifted an arm in a futile attempt to protect itself. A blinding light flashed.
When the dust cleared, the titan was unscathed. Khorne stared in confusion, looking at his hand. "My axe is GONE!" He bellowed.
Tzeentch looked at him, 'Gone? That would have taken some sort of tactical geni....CREEEEEEEEED!" All the assembled forces looked up. The Axe was stuck, blades in the ground. Standing on the top, was one badass, Cigar-chompin' mother F*cker. Slowly, Creed reached up and removed his cigar, tapping it and letting the ashes drift down. Looking up at the Deamons, he smiled. "Problem, Khorne?"
Khorne bellowed in anger, preparing to run forward when Tzeentch held him back. "I'll deal with him..." Tzeentch screeched as he prepared a massive bolt of energy. Creed continued to smoke his cigar, waiting. Tzeentch unleashed the bolt of energy at Creed, and a second blind light flashed.
When the dust cleared, the axe was gone. In its place, ashes. Everyone was silent. Jared Kell whispered, "No...not Creed..." Suddenly, the silence was broken by a loud, slow clap. Everyone looked up and saw Creed standing beside the Emperor. "Nice shot. I was expecting it."Creed said, smiling again.
Tzeentch was enraged at his mistake, but not as enraged as Khorne. 'YOU DESTROYED MY AXE" he bellowed, grabbing his borther by the throat in an attempt to strangle him.
Slaanesh spoke up for the first time, "You know, you're kinda hot when you're angry...."
Everything stopped. The chaos marines stopped fighting the space marines. The artillery stopped firing. The Tyranid tendrils stopped moving. The Necrons stopped awakening. Everything.
"WHAT?!" Yelled Khorne, his anger at Tzeentch forgotten. All the Khorne berzerkers turned to the Slaanesh noise marines, preparing to battle.
'oooh. Punish me..." Said Slaanesh before being punched in the face by Khorne.
"Looks like its up to us" Said Nurgle to the primarch Daemon and Tzeentch. As they turned to face the Titan, it had regained its feet. The odds were a little more even, but not by much. That is, untill a massive Psycannon shot hit Nurgle square in the chest, blowing off a massive chunk of flesh and sending Nurglings everywhere. The Grey Knight had arrived.
"I am sorry, my Emperor." Spoke Brother Captain Stern from the helm of the Grey Knight, the Emperor's second line of Defense. Now, it was two on three. The battle between Khorne and Slaanesh raged on to the side. Needless to say, it was getting...scandalous.
Suddenly, a strange braying was heard. The Tyranids had arrived. Swarming over the 'fighting' bodies of Khorne and Slaanesh they began to attack Tzeentch, the Hive Mind wanting to absorb the psychic energy. Tzeentch took one last look at the Emperor and the Grey Knight before fighting off the tyranids. Nurgle and the Daemon primarch were left. "Now its even" Said the Emperor, pushing forward and striking out at the two Daemons, followed closely by the Grey Knight. Suddenly, even more Braying was heard. the plot thicked as it turned out the battle field was the biggest tomb world ever!1! Necrons, Necrons everywhere. Guass was flying around, flaying Chaos, Imperial, and Tyranid alike. Suddenly, two massive Battle Barges appeared. The Blood Angels Battle Barges.
From the bellies of the ships spilled the entiredy of the Blood Angels chapter. The Necrons stopped and looked up at the new arrivals. Dante walked over to the Silent King of the Necrons. Raising his fist, the Necron did the same. Bro-fist! Suddenly, the necrons began to fire only on Chaos and the tyranids. "What the Fu..." Said the Emperor when Dante interrupted saying, "Just go with it, man."
After hours of fighting, the Grey Knight, as well as Khorne, Nurgle, Slaanesh, the Tyranid fleet, and the Necrons had been destroyed. Only Tzeentch and the Daemon primarchs remained to battle the Emperor. (The forces of Chaos and humanity still battled at their feet)
"It seems we are to die together' Said Tzeentch, looking around at the carnage.
"NOT SO FAST!" yelled a voice. Suddenly, the entire Blood Ravens chapter mass deep-striked, simultaneously, unto the battle field. Each battle brother was equpied with a multilaser. Dreadnaughts with multilasers. Captains with multilasers. Termiantors with multilasers. Each member of the chapter opened fire upon the two daemons, the sheer weight of multilaser fire grinding the Daemon primarchs to dust, and wounding Tzeentch. The Emperorator-ator stode forward, slashing its axe and sword across Tzeentchs chest. "No..." Rasped Tzeentch, preparing one final bolt of energy, more powerful than anything before it, and launching it at the Emperor.
Dante stared up at the oddly-slow moving projectile. He knew the prophecy, that one golden warrior would stand between the Emperor and the darkness, was coming true. Igniting his jump pack, Dante flew up and placed himself between the bolt of dark energy and the Emperor. His Axe Mortalis, had a special property. For all its cool background, it was simply a master-crafted weapon. Or was it?
In truth, it was the greatest weapon of all. Dante slashed his axe downward, its blade coliding with the dark energy and lauching it back at Tzeentch.
'NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!' yelled Tzeentch as he was struck by the massive bolt, disintegrating.
A third white light flashed, and all the Primarchs stood around the emperor. Dante stood there to, as well as the captains of every chapter. "I am spent" Said the Emperor, looking out among his children. But my death is not in vain, I have givn you the greatest gift a father can bestow, the Power to Kick Ass!" The Emperor said, his life fading away. "Thank you Dante. I knew your axe had a cool backstory for a reason." And the Emperor passed.
Each of the Primarchs stood, staring at each other. Suddenly, Russ interupted the silence, "I like your neck cut Girlyman!" And all the other primarchs laughed.
The End.
(I'm actually gonna write part 4 soon)
This is the funniest thing i've seen for a long long time, laughing so much
All is forgiven if repaid in Traitor's blood.
My CF blog 
Altansar -7k
Black Legion - 4k