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![[Post New]](/s/i/i.gif) 2012/11/19 20:23:43
Subject: The Panthers Claws Chapter 9: Forlorn Hope (Work in progress)
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Mutated Chosen Chaos Marine
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Yeah, the Chapter Master has really gone off the rails on the crazy train. It looks like a Chapter wide civil war is a real possibility now.
Excellently written.
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![[Post New]](/s/i/i.gif) 2012/11/20 15:37:46
Subject: The Panthers Claws Chapter 9: Forlorn Hope (Work in progress)
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Thunderhawk Pilot Dropping From Orbit
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Cheers for the review LoneLictor I'll be posting more up in a bit.
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Come into my web, said the spider to the fly.
Come rest your wings, and let us talk eye to eye.
For I am a spider, and you are the fly. Now that you are here, let us sit, and say hi.
But I have have no morsel to share, nor anything to eat. But wait, what is that stickiness upon your feet.
Ah now I have you, now I can eat. Now I can enjoy you, or store you as meat.
For I am the spider, and you are the fly. How else could it have gone, between one such as you, and one such as I.
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![[Post New]](/s/i/i.gif) 2012/11/22 18:27:47
Subject: Re:The Panthers Claws Chapter 9: Forlorn Hope (Work in progress)
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Lone Wolf Sentinel Pilot
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Here is some pictures of a Panthers Claw that I painted-
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DC:80+S+++GM+B++IPw40k08++D++A+++/hWD346R++T(M)DM+ Successful trades with Tweems, Polonius, Porkuslime, Mark94656, TheCupcakeCowboy, MarshalMathis, and Hahnjoelo
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![[Post New]](/s/i/i.gif) 2012/11/22 18:28:38
Subject: Re:The Panthers Claws Chapter 9: Forlorn Hope (Work in progress)
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Lone Wolf Sentinel Pilot
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Another pic-
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DC:80+S+++GM+B++IPw40k08++D++A+++/hWD346R++T(M)DM+ Successful trades with Tweems, Polonius, Porkuslime, Mark94656, TheCupcakeCowboy, MarshalMathis, and Hahnjoelo
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![[Post New]](/s/i/i.gif) 2012/11/22 18:31:11
Subject: Re:The Panthers Claws Chapter 9: Forlorn Hope (Work in progress)
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Lone Wolf Sentinel Pilot
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Okay sorry about bad quality, and the paint job isn't great but here is some more-
Hope you like them Themanwiththeplan, your story is great!
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DC:80+S+++GM+B++IPw40k08++D++A+++/hWD346R++T(M)DM+ Successful trades with Tweems, Polonius, Porkuslime, Mark94656, TheCupcakeCowboy, MarshalMathis, and Hahnjoelo
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![[Post New]](/s/i/i.gif) 2012/11/23 11:58:17
Subject: The Panthers Claws Chapter 9: Forlorn Hope (Work in progress)
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Thunderhawk Pilot Dropping From Orbit
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Wow Color Sgt. Kell I love it and totally approve, nice work
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Come into my web, said the spider to the fly.
Come rest your wings, and let us talk eye to eye.
For I am a spider, and you are the fly. Now that you are here, let us sit, and say hi.
But I have have no morsel to share, nor anything to eat. But wait, what is that stickiness upon your feet.
Ah now I have you, now I can eat. Now I can enjoy you, or store you as meat.
For I am the spider, and you are the fly. How else could it have gone, between one such as you, and one such as I.
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![[Post New]](/s/i/i.gif) 2012/11/23 12:12:50
Subject: The Panthers Claws Chapter 9: Forlorn Hope (Work in progress)
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Terrifying Doombull
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Awesomness! I approve of both the new part and the shiny new loyalist dogs to kill!
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![[Post New]](/s/i/i.gif) 2012/11/28 21:33:11
Subject: The Panthers Claws Chapter 9: Forlorn Hope ( chapter completed 28.11.2012)
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Thunderhawk Pilot Dropping From Orbit
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What do people think of the new chapter, rewrite?
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Come into my web, said the spider to the fly.
Come rest your wings, and let us talk eye to eye.
For I am a spider, and you are the fly. Now that you are here, let us sit, and say hi.
But I have have no morsel to share, nor anything to eat. But wait, what is that stickiness upon your feet.
Ah now I have you, now I can eat. Now I can enjoy you, or store you as meat.
For I am the spider, and you are the fly. How else could it have gone, between one such as you, and one such as I.
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![[Post New]](/s/i/i.gif) 2012/11/28 21:40:21
Subject: The Panthers Claws Chapter 9: Forlorn Hope ( chapter completed 28.11.2012)
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Terrifying Doombull
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By Khorne! That sceen witht eh Thuderhawks coming was rather intense! But why do this fine chapter have such a idiot for Chapter Master I sometimes ask myself, even if I know why
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![[Post New]](/s/i/i.gif) 2012/11/28 22:35:29
Subject: The Panthers Claws Chapter 9: Forlorn Hope ( chapter completed 28.11.2012)
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Thunderhawk Pilot Dropping From Orbit
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 thanks Trondheim, I was hoping for intense and you didn't know if they were going to come or not in time, I didn't know my self till I write it
I might need a few days to go through edda, wow that's alot of stories and poems to get through, not to mention the Norse Gods and hero's as well. I got alot of reading me thinks, cheers for pointing it out because I do like a good saga
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Come into my web, said the spider to the fly.
Come rest your wings, and let us talk eye to eye.
For I am a spider, and you are the fly. Now that you are here, let us sit, and say hi.
But I have have no morsel to share, nor anything to eat. But wait, what is that stickiness upon your feet.
Ah now I have you, now I can eat. Now I can enjoy you, or store you as meat.
For I am the spider, and you are the fly. How else could it have gone, between one such as you, and one such as I.
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![[Post New]](/s/i/i.gif) 2012/11/28 22:42:58
Subject: The Panthers Claws Chapter 9: Forlorn Hope ( chapter completed 28.11.2012)
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Terrifying Doombull
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Hehe np, and yes. Edda will make you feel like a true man, it will make you grow hair in places you did not know you could grow hair!
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![[Post New]](/s/i/i.gif) 2012/11/28 23:13:25
Subject: Re:The Panthers Claws Chapter 9: Forlorn Hope ( chapter completed 28.11.2012)
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Mutated Chosen Chaos Marine
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The new part is very nicely written. I would suggest another proof read to catch minor grammatical and spelling errors, but error than that its great. The Panther's Claws aren't doing too well; it seems like the Orks are on the verge of winning the war.
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![[Post New]](/s/i/i.gif) 2012/11/28 23:43:28
Subject: The Panthers Claws Chapter 9: Forlorn Hope ( chapter completed 28.11.2012)
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Thunderhawk Pilot Dropping From Orbit
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Thanks LoneLictor I'l fix it up tomorrow. There's the space battle in orbit to come yet in the next chapter and things will be looking bleak for the Panthers Claws indeed. Bu hey what a 40k story without a little grimdark
Some may yet survive and take vengenance on their most hated foe, stay tuned see who lives and who dies and if they will suceed in over coming the mounting odds stacked against them.:thumbup:
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Come into my web, said the spider to the fly.
Come rest your wings, and let us talk eye to eye.
For I am a spider, and you are the fly. Now that you are here, let us sit, and say hi.
But I have have no morsel to share, nor anything to eat. But wait, what is that stickiness upon your feet.
Ah now I have you, now I can eat. Now I can enjoy you, or store you as meat.
For I am the spider, and you are the fly. How else could it have gone, between one such as you, and one such as I.
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![[Post New]](/s/i/i.gif) 2012/12/06 21:01:53
Subject: The Panthers Claws Chapter 9: Forlorn Hope ( chapter completed 28.11.2012)
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Mutated Chosen Chaos Marine
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I really like the edits you've made to Chapter One. It flows much more easily now.
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![[Post New]](/s/i/i.gif) 2012/12/14 23:37:15
Subject: The Panthers Claws Chapter 9: Forlorn Hope ( chapter completed 28.11.2012)
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Terrifying Doombull
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Chapter 6 & 7 really shines now, I very much approve of the changes you have done. Keep it up
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![[Post New]](/s/i/i.gif) 2012/12/15 01:18:24
Subject: The Panthers Claws Chapter 9: Forlorn Hope ( chapter completed 28.11.2012)
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Mutated Chosen Chaos Marine
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Yeah, it flows very well now.
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![[Post New]](/s/i/i.gif) 2012/12/15 01:27:07
Subject: The Panthers Claws Chapter 9: Forlorn Hope ( chapter completed 28.11.2012)
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Thunderhawk Pilot Dropping From Orbit
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Thanks guys
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Come into my web, said the spider to the fly.
Come rest your wings, and let us talk eye to eye.
For I am a spider, and you are the fly. Now that you are here, let us sit, and say hi.
But I have have no morsel to share, nor anything to eat. But wait, what is that stickiness upon your feet.
Ah now I have you, now I can eat. Now I can enjoy you, or store you as meat.
For I am the spider, and you are the fly. How else could it have gone, between one such as you, and one such as I.
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![[Post New]](/s/i/i.gif) 2012/12/25 11:37:08
Subject: The Panthers Claws Chapter 9: Forlorn Hope ( editing completed...for now )
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Thunderhawk Pilot Dropping From Orbit
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Okay, so I'm looking for feed back from people apart from my faithful commenter's ( because I need a wider scope on the tale so far ) Any and all comments or critics are welcome.
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Come into my web, said the spider to the fly.
Come rest your wings, and let us talk eye to eye.
For I am a spider, and you are the fly. Now that you are here, let us sit, and say hi.
But I have have no morsel to share, nor anything to eat. But wait, what is that stickiness upon your feet.
Ah now I have you, now I can eat. Now I can enjoy you, or store you as meat.
For I am the spider, and you are the fly. How else could it have gone, between one such as you, and one such as I.
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![[Post New]](/s/i/i.gif) 2012/12/25 12:45:12
Subject: The Panthers Claws Chapter 9: Forlorn Hope ( editing completed...for now )
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Thunderhawk Pilot Dropping From Orbit
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So it's that bad then?
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Come into my web, said the spider to the fly.
Come rest your wings, and let us talk eye to eye.
For I am a spider, and you are the fly. Now that you are here, let us sit, and say hi.
But I have have no morsel to share, nor anything to eat. But wait, what is that stickiness upon your feet.
Ah now I have you, now I can eat. Now I can enjoy you, or store you as meat.
For I am the spider, and you are the fly. How else could it have gone, between one such as you, and one such as I.
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![[Post New]](/s/i/i.gif) 2012/12/25 13:36:50
Subject: Re:The Panthers Claws Chapter 9: Forlorn Hope ( editing completed...for now )
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Terrifying Doombull
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Yes its very, very bad. you should be ashamed! No only kidding, the small tweaks you did really made the story come alive more. I like it  NOW NEW CHAPTER OR DIE FOOLISH MORTAL!
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![[Post New]](/s/i/i.gif) 2012/12/28 12:16:29
Subject: The Panthers Claws Chapter 9: Forlorn Hope ( editing completed...for now )
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Hardened Veteran Guardsman
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Really enjoyable story to read!  Perhaps one day the Thunderhearts and the Panthers Claw can meet one day...
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Imperial guard - 800 points
Space Marines - 2000 points |
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![[Post New]](/s/i/i.gif) 2012/12/28 13:25:06
Subject: The Panthers Claws Chapter 9: Forlorn Hope ( editing completed...for now )
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Thunderhawk Pilot Dropping From Orbit
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Thanks
Maybe, but you need to get out of the webway first
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Come into my web, said the spider to the fly.
Come rest your wings, and let us talk eye to eye.
For I am a spider, and you are the fly. Now that you are here, let us sit, and say hi.
But I have have no morsel to share, nor anything to eat. But wait, what is that stickiness upon your feet.
Ah now I have you, now I can eat. Now I can enjoy you, or store you as meat.
For I am the spider, and you are the fly. How else could it have gone, between one such as you, and one such as I.
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![[Post New]](/s/i/i.gif) 2012/12/28 18:59:28
Subject: The Panthers Claws Chapter 9: Forlorn Hope ( editing completed...for now )
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Hardened Veteran Guardsman
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All in good time
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Imperial guard - 800 points
Space Marines - 2000 points |
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![[Post New]](/s/i/i.gif) 2012/12/28 21:40:11
Subject: The Panthers Claws Chapter 9: Forlorn Hope ( editing completed...for now )
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Terrifying Doombull
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Space battle! NOW
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![[Post New]](/s/i/i.gif) 2012/12/28 21:44:19
Subject: The Panthers Claws Chapter 9: Forlorn Hope ( editing completed...for now )
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Thunderhawk Pilot Dropping From Orbit
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I'm doing my research on space battles at the mo so hopefully you will not have to wait long, maybe 2-3 weeks though as it's going to be big sorry.
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Come into my web, said the spider to the fly.
Come rest your wings, and let us talk eye to eye.
For I am a spider, and you are the fly. Now that you are here, let us sit, and say hi.
But I have have no morsel to share, nor anything to eat. But wait, what is that stickiness upon your feet.
Ah now I have you, now I can eat. Now I can enjoy you, or store you as meat.
For I am the spider, and you are the fly. How else could it have gone, between one such as you, and one such as I.
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![[Post New]](/s/i/i.gif) 2013/01/04 21:19:53
Subject: The Panthers Claws Chapter 9: Forlorn Hope ( editing completed...for now )
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Quick-fingered Warlord Moderatus
Norway
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You asked for some feedback at least.
First of I like your story, but you are not entirely fishing for compliments.
The first thing that sort of rubbed me the wrong way was this piece: "The iris hatch to the bridge slid open, and Chapter Master Detrus and his small Honour Guard stepped onto the bridge in full black with gold trim battle plate with their helms in the crook of their arm." Holding ones helmet there is insulting it. And Space Marines in my mind shall honour their armour, I would have put their helmets in the right hand abreast due to their religious nature regarding their equipment.
I love how the Chapter Master is described. I would maybe used the words brown-eyed spreckled with green spots in his iris, instead of "Said the brown eyed Chapter Master with flecks of green which was rare, since most of the chapter sported green eyes that derived from their gene-seed, but was otherwise typical in looks for the chapter as a whole. Shaven headed with a strong jaw line and prominent nose and brow." And maybe square-jawed as I now visualize Tripple-H due to the brow minus long hair, unless that was your purpose of course.
As for Chapter II.
First of try to somehow describe the ships involved. That was lacking, unfortunately.
"Smile gone, and mindful of the 9th at his back, Ateus stepped closer and lowered his voice so none of his squads standing nearby could discern what passed between them. "I agree with you Agathon my friend, but war is full of uncertainty, you should know that no plan ever survives first contact with the enemy" " There I would have had them speaking code to each other, since they knew full and well even a slight whisper would be heard by the other Space Marines (I might have missed something, but I'm assuming them to be ancient friends).
The rest of Chapter 2 seems fine to me. I will take on the rest later on.
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If you have nothing nice to say then say frakking nothing. |
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![[Post New]](/s/i/i.gif) 2013/01/04 22:31:08
Subject: The Panthers Claws Chapter 9: Forlorn Hope ( editing completed...for now )
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Thunderhawk Pilot Dropping From Orbit
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Thank you for your honest feedback beaviz, but could you please explain what you meant when you said about describing what the ships where doing in chapter 2?
Yes they are long friends Agathon and Ateus, I did not want to put they spoke sub-vocaliy which I know even space marines can't hear if they're far enough way (blame the HH series for that train of thought  ), and I tried to imply it as people use the saying far too often, sorry about that.
Sorry to disapoint but my chapter does not pray to the big E, but I wouldn't talk smack about him when their about either or they'l stomp your ass  So with respect, the helms are staying put or I might move them to a hook on their belts.
Yes that was my purpose with the description  And the eye colour thingy was bothering me to lol.
Thanks again for the review beaviz.
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Come into my web, said the spider to the fly.
Come rest your wings, and let us talk eye to eye.
For I am a spider, and you are the fly. Now that you are here, let us sit, and say hi.
But I have have no morsel to share, nor anything to eat. But wait, what is that stickiness upon your feet.
Ah now I have you, now I can eat. Now I can enjoy you, or store you as meat.
For I am the spider, and you are the fly. How else could it have gone, between one such as you, and one such as I.
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![[Post New]](/s/i/i.gif) 2013/01/04 22:55:47
Subject: The Panthers Claws Chapter 9: Forlorn Hope ( editing completed...for now )
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Quick-fingered Warlord Moderatus
Norway
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The ships involved, a description of them. Also with the helmets underarm is an insult to the armour of the Space Marines. The armpit is the second most dirty place at the human body, so placing your helmet under it means you are dishonoring your helmet. Which was my point, I must really learn to tell clearly, and just not hinting. As for their speak I meant something along the lines they spoke in their own code-language deveolped over decades if not hundreds of years, again I did a bad job in providing feedback, being too indirect. Then keep Triple-H as your CM
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This message was edited 1 time. Last update was at 2013/01/04 22:56:35
If you have nothing nice to say then say frakking nothing. |
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![[Post New]](/s/i/i.gif) 2013/01/04 23:15:38
Subject: The Panthers Claws Chapter 9: Forlorn Hope ( editing completed...for now )
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Thunderhawk Pilot Dropping From Orbit
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I'l switch it to they had them on their belts then, cheers for pointing that out.
I'l try and expand about the ship, though it might be a while as I'm quite literary in the middle of writting the next chapter of a space battle so can't go off topic or it will take longer and Trondheim wouldn't be happy
I think I might slip it in there that they were speaking pig-latin or something. But again same aplies as above, but I will get round to it. Cheers Beaviz.
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Come into my web, said the spider to the fly.
Come rest your wings, and let us talk eye to eye.
For I am a spider, and you are the fly. Now that you are here, let us sit, and say hi.
But I have have no morsel to share, nor anything to eat. But wait, what is that stickiness upon your feet.
Ah now I have you, now I can eat. Now I can enjoy you, or store you as meat.
For I am the spider, and you are the fly. How else could it have gone, between one such as you, and one such as I.
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![[Post New]](/s/i/i.gif) 2013/01/04 23:47:39
Subject: The Panthers Claws Chapter 9: Forlorn Hope ( editing completed...for now )
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Quick-fingered Warlord Moderatus
Norway
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Themanwiththeplan wrote:I think I might slip it in there that they were speaking pig-latin or something. But again same aplies as above, but I will get round to it. Cheers Beaviz.
Not Pig-Latin, anything but that. I was thinking more of an ancient language long forgotten they had discovered or something like that (just something their subordinates wouldn't catch up on, but don't use Eldarish since humans can't speak that language). As for Trondheim, there are no deadline here, so don't let him pressure you into publishing something second-rate.
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If you have nothing nice to say then say frakking nothing. |
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