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Yeah, the Chapter Master has really gone off the rails on the crazy train. It looks like a Chapter wide civil war is a real possibility now.

Excellently written.

Cheers for the review LoneLictor I'll be posting more up in a bit.

Here is some pictures of a Panthers Claw that I painted-

Another pic-

Okay sorry about bad quality, and the paint job isn't great but here is some more-
Hope you like them Themanwiththeplan, your story is great!

Wow Color Sgt. Kell I love it and totally approve, nice work

Awesomness! I approve of both the new part and the shiny new loyalist dogs to kill!

What do people think of the new chapter, rewrite?

By Khorne! That sceen witht eh Thuderhawks coming was rather intense! But why do this fine chapter have such a idiot for Chapter Master I sometimes ask myself, even if I know why

thanks Trondheim, I was hoping for intense and you didn't know if they were going to come or not in time, I didn't know my self till I write it

I might need a few days to go through edda, wow that's alot of stories and poems to get through, not to mention the Norse Gods and hero's as well. I got alot of reading me thinks, cheers for pointing it out because I do like a good saga

Hehe np, and yes. Edda will make you feel like a true man, it will make you grow hair in places you did not know you could grow hair!

The new part is very nicely written. I would suggest another proof read to catch minor grammatical and spelling errors, but error than that its great. The Panther's Claws aren't doing too well; it seems like the Orks are on the verge of winning the war.

Thanks LoneLictor I'l fix it up tomorrow. There's the space battle in orbit to come yet in the next chapter and things will be looking bleak for the Panthers Claws indeed. Bu hey what a 40k story without a little grimdark

Some may yet survive and take vengenance on their most hated foe, stay tuned see who lives and who dies and if they will suceed in over coming the mounting odds stacked against them.:thumbup:

I really like the edits you've made to Chapter One. It flows much more easily now.

Chapter 6 & 7 really shines now, I very much approve of the changes you have done. Keep it up

Yeah, it flows very well now.

Thanks guys

Okay, so I'm looking for feed back from people apart from my faithful commenter's ( because I need a wider scope on the tale so far ) Any and all comments or critics are welcome.

So it's that bad then?

Yes its very, very bad. you should be ashamed! No only kidding, the small tweaks you did really made the story come alive more. I like it NOW NEW CHAPTER OR DIE FOOLISH MORTAL!

Really enjoyable story to read! Perhaps one day the Thunderhearts and the Panthers Claw can meet one day...

Thanks

Maybe, but you need to get out of the webway first

 Themanwiththeplan wrote:
Thanks

Maybe, but you need to get out of the webway first

All in good time

Space battle! NOW

I'm doing my research on space battles at the mo so hopefully you will not have to wait long, maybe 2-3 weeks though as it's going to be big sorry.

You asked for some feedback at least.

First of I like your story, but you are not entirely fishing for compliments.

The first thing that sort of rubbed me the wrong way was this piece: "The iris hatch to the bridge slid open, and Chapter Master Detrus and his small Honour Guard stepped onto the bridge in full black with gold trim battle plate with their helms in the crook of their arm." Holding ones helmet there is insulting it. And Space Marines in my mind shall honour their armour, I would have put their helmets in the right hand abreast due to their religious nature regarding their equipment.

I love how the Chapter Master is described. I would maybe used the words brown-eyed spreckled with green spots in his iris, instead of "Said the brown eyed Chapter Master with flecks of green which was rare, since most of the chapter sported green eyes that derived from their gene-seed, but was otherwise typical in looks for the chapter as a whole. Shaven headed with a strong jaw line and prominent nose and brow." And maybe square-jawed as I now visualize Tripple-H due to the brow minus long hair, unless that was your purpose of course.

As for Chapter II.

First of try to somehow describe the ships involved. That was lacking, unfortunately.

"Smile gone, and mindful of the 9th at his back, Ateus stepped closer and lowered his voice so none of his squads standing nearby could discern what passed between them. "I agree with you Agathon my friend, but war is full of uncertainty, you should know that no plan ever survives first contact with the enemy" " There I would have had them speaking code to each other, since they knew full and well even a slight whisper would be heard by the other Space Marines (I might have missed something, but I'm assuming them to be ancient friends).

The rest of Chapter 2 seems fine to me. I will take on the rest later on.

Thank you for your honest feedback beaviz, but could you please explain what you meant when you said about describing what the ships where doing in chapter 2?

Yes they are long friends Agathon and Ateus, I did not want to put they spoke sub-vocaliy which I know even space marines can't hear if they're far enough way (blame the HH series for that train of thought ), and I tried to imply it as people use the saying far too often, sorry about that.

Sorry to disapoint but my chapter does not pray to the big E, but I wouldn't talk smack about him when their about either or they'l stomp your ass So with respect, the helms are staying put or I might move them to a hook on their belts.

Yes that was my purpose with the description And the eye colour thingy was bothering me to lol.

Thanks again for the review beaviz.

The ships involved, a description of them. Also with the helmets underarm is an insult to the armour of the Space Marines. The armpit is the second most dirty place at the human body, so placing your helmet under it means you are dishonoring your helmet. Which was my point, I must really learn to tell clearly, and just not hinting.

As for their speak I meant something along the lines they spoke in their own code-language deveolped over decades if not hundreds of years, again I did a bad job in providing feedback, being too indirect.

Then keep Triple-H as your CM

I'l switch it to they had them on their belts then, cheers for pointing that out.

I'l try and expand about the ship, though it might be a while as I'm quite literary in the middle of writting the next chapter of a space battle so can't go off topic or it will take longer and Trondheim wouldn't be happy

I think I might slip it in there that they were speaking pig-latin or something. But again same aplies as above, but I will get round to it. Cheers Beaviz.

 Themanwiththeplan wrote:
I think I might slip it in there that they were speaking pig-latin or something. But again same aplies as above, but I will get round to it. Cheers Beaviz.

Not Pig-Latin, anything but that. I was thinking more of an ancient language long forgotten they had discovered or something like that (just something their subordinates wouldn't catch up on, but don't use Eldarish since humans can't speak that language). As for Trondheim, there are no deadline here, so don't let him pressure you into publishing something second-rate.