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Granted. You are standing deep in the forest, at the center of a ferocious pack of starving wolves, with your pockets stuffed with MilkBones.

I wish for a new chainsaw.

Granted. At your first use of the chainsaw, it explodes in your face.

I wish my English teacher wouldn't hate me so much.

Granted. But now your Algebra teacher is determined to fail you.

I wish I didn't live so far from all the PokéStops.

Granted. Your house becomes a PokéStop. Now you have people regularly walking into your back garden trying to get Pokéballs.

I wish less people would play Pokémon Go so I could get on without the servers crashing.

Granted, no one bothers to play the game and the server is shut down.

I wish I could stop worrying about everything

Granted. The only thing you're worrying about is that you're constantly being stalked.

I wish GW stuff was cheaper down in Oz.

Granted. It's one penny cheaper

I wish for my own large gaming community

Granted, but they only play games that you hate

I wish my commute to college wasn't so terrible

Granted. The commute is a breeze, but there is nowhere to park when you arrive there.

I wish chainsaws cost less.

Granted. Unfortunately chainsaws became so cheap that everybody was able to buy them and they all sold out before you could buy one.

I wish I was better at playing guitar.

Granted. You are an expert guitar player for one minute.

I wish I knew where I put that picture.

Granted. You remember you left it on top of your car before you got in and drove off.

I wish my hair would grow out faster.

Granted. It now grows at the speed of lightning.

I wish I could have a steady cashflow.

Granted. Money flows out of your wallet by the shortest possible route.

I wish mowing the lawn was less exhausting.

Granted, but it now takes three times as long

I wish my grandparents weren't so sick

(how do I corrupt this one without being a terrible person)

Uh, granted. They become young again and of good health, but you become as old as they are currently.

I wish I wasn't so indecisive on what models I should buy.

Granted, but you only buy Tactical Marines now. Lots and lots of Tactical Marines

I wish I could love playing 40K again

Granted. You are arrested because as soon as you start playing the game, it becomes illegal.

I wish KFCs weren't so greasy.

"I shall make playing tabletop games across the nation illegal, so I can feel dirty when I play them"

Granted by the way - KFC is now rubbery and dry though

I wish that GW would release the old IG regiments in plastic

Granted. But because it's GW, its insanely overpriced and you can't be bothered to go buy anything.

I wish my cooking tastes good when people eat it.

Granted. It also gives brutal Diarrhoea (spelt that first try )

I wish SixT4Pixels' Crimson Fist army would start so I could look at them on a P&M blog.

Granted, but you end up forcing him to speed through all his paintjobs and subsequently ruin them

I wish I could play more than 2 characters really well in Overwatch

Granted. You're so good at all of them everybody in the match and every match to follow thinks you're a hacker.

I wish my bike wasn't so rusty.

Granted. Your bike is stolen instead.

I wish vacation lasted forever.

...on your vacation, you have been sentenced to life in prison.

I wish for new, better computer.

Granted. It's so advanced that when you needed to repair no one could because it's from the far future.

I wish for more normal weather down here in Melbourne.

Granted, weather has been set to normal to the Middle east. You can expect ~45°C during day and several bombing runs in the night.

I wish for a vintage car.

Granted. The engine in it has had it though, so it breaks down every 100 yards

I wish for better sleep

Granted. You have been hit by a hammer to the head and passed out. You woke up from the comma several weeks later.

I wish for my own personal steam locomotive.

Granted. You just need a model railway for it now.

I wish I had a longer attention span.