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Chapter 30: The Slow Stalk of Awakening  [RSS] Share on facebook Share on Twitter Submit to Reddit
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Made in gb
Thunderhawk Pilot Dropping From Orbit





Damn, that cough of mine is spreading.

Come into my web, said the spider to the fly.
Come rest your wings, and let us talk eye to eye.
For I am a spider, and you are the fly. Now that you are here, let us sit, and say hi.
But I have have no morsel to share, nor anything to eat. But wait, what is that stickiness upon your feet.
Ah now I have you, now I can eat. Now I can enjoy you, or store you as meat.
For I am the spider, and you are the fly. How else could it have gone, between one such as you, and one such as I.
 
   
Made in gb
Hardened Veteran Guardsman





United Kingdom

Great work!

Imperial guard - 800 points
Space Marines - 2000 points 
   
Made in no
Terrifying Doombull





Hefnaheim

I approve of this lates change!
   
Made in no
Terrifying Doombull





Hefnaheim

As I have mentioned before, and will mention again. You really have come a long way story tellingwise and generealy as a whole as an author. Well done
   
Made in gb
Thunderhawk Pilot Dropping From Orbit





Thanks man, though I have to say it could do with a touch up due to spellings and one or two other (ok a few) bits that need a fine tune.

Come into my web, said the spider to the fly.
Come rest your wings, and let us talk eye to eye.
For I am a spider, and you are the fly. Now that you are here, let us sit, and say hi.
But I have have no morsel to share, nor anything to eat. But wait, what is that stickiness upon your feet.
Ah now I have you, now I can eat. Now I can enjoy you, or store you as meat.
For I am the spider, and you are the fly. How else could it have gone, between one such as you, and one such as I.
 
   
Made in no
Terrifying Doombull





Hefnaheim

Well yes, but then again its always nice to have a new goal to reach for with ones work though
   
Made in gb
Thunderhawk Pilot Dropping From Orbit





Thanks for the kind words.
Now, if I can only finish this story. One day, one day.

Come into my web, said the spider to the fly.
Come rest your wings, and let us talk eye to eye.
For I am a spider, and you are the fly. Now that you are here, let us sit, and say hi.
But I have have no morsel to share, nor anything to eat. But wait, what is that stickiness upon your feet.
Ah now I have you, now I can eat. Now I can enjoy you, or store you as meat.
For I am the spider, and you are the fly. How else could it have gone, between one such as you, and one such as I.
 
   
Made in gb
Hardened Veteran Guardsman





United Kingdom

Loving this, keep it up!

Imperial guard - 800 points
Space Marines - 2000 points 
   
Made in gb
Thunderhawk Pilot Dropping From Orbit





So as you can see my story has hit the five-thousand mark but I'm looking for some critque and feedback on the general feel and anything missing from my fluff. Basically I'm asking for anything that might stop you reading or WTF moments. Thanks in advance.:Thumbsup:

Come into my web, said the spider to the fly.
Come rest your wings, and let us talk eye to eye.
For I am a spider, and you are the fly. Now that you are here, let us sit, and say hi.
But I have have no morsel to share, nor anything to eat. But wait, what is that stickiness upon your feet.
Ah now I have you, now I can eat. Now I can enjoy you, or store you as meat.
For I am the spider, and you are the fly. How else could it have gone, between one such as you, and one such as I.
 
   
Made in no
Terrifying Doombull





Hefnaheim

Well seeing as how you asked for it!

1. I know I am not the person to talk about correct spelling and such always, but I think is something that would help you greatly. But normaly your work is good in this way.
2. Lengt! I would really like longer and far more embroding chapters, you have done a few of these. And they where really good, you have a way to make the ineractions of the charathcers belivabel when you do this, but when its cut short this suffers.
3. More plot twists and such, the last two chapters had some of this. And I pray for more come next one
   
Made in gb
Thunderhawk Pilot Dropping From Orbit





 Trondheim wrote:
Well seeing as how you asked for it!

1. I know I am not the person to talk about correct spelling and such always, but I think is something that would help you greatly. But normaly your work is good in this way.
2. Lengt! I would really like longer and far more embroding chapters, you have done a few of these. And they where really good, you have a way to make the ineractions of the charathcers belivabel when you do this, but when its cut short this suffers.
3. More plot twists and such, the last two chapters had some of this. And I pray for more come next one


1. Totally agree with you there. At times my spelling can be terrible.
2. Again, agreeed. i'm in the process of lengthening one such chapter but if you can point out any chapter you think needs adding more to I'l get on them too. And thanks man.
3. Oh don't you worry, I have a few in mind that have yet to transpire. But the next chapter may be lacking in twists though.

Thanks for the critque, more is needed though, so don't hold back on that nerd rage dakka. So long as it's helpful that is.

Come into my web, said the spider to the fly.
Come rest your wings, and let us talk eye to eye.
For I am a spider, and you are the fly. Now that you are here, let us sit, and say hi.
But I have have no morsel to share, nor anything to eat. But wait, what is that stickiness upon your feet.
Ah now I have you, now I can eat. Now I can enjoy you, or store you as meat.
For I am the spider, and you are the fly. How else could it have gone, between one such as you, and one such as I.
 
   
Made in no
Terrifying Doombull





Hefnaheim

Ah great to see you back on track with this one, although the waiting has been more than long. Hope you will contuine to update ona regular basis
   
Made in us
Mutated Chosen Chaos Marine







I'm glad to see you updating the story themanwiththeplan. Like I've said before, you have a gift for descriptions. Your story, in all its ashy, gritty, bloodstrewn glory is more vivid than ever. Just reading about the PDF made me feel tired and miserable (in a good way). The only advice I have to offer is to vary up sentence lengths.
   
Made in us
Mutated Chosen Chaos Marine







I was rereading your story (I felt like I forgot a few things) and it inspired me to make a cover.

I stole the Space Marine from the Bolter and Chain Space Marine Generator. The bloodstains I added myself, then I added some shading over it, and just tweaked it until it felt right. If you like it, feel free to use it.

Spoiler:
   
Made in gb
Thunderhawk Pilot Dropping From Orbit





I am sorry to everyone who has waited an update to this, I just hope it was worth the wait.

Thank you both for the kind words. I agree with you both, though my modest self has to disagree with that praise of yours LL, but I must admit the sentences at times do go on a bit. Any in particular that stand out?

P.S. Thanks for the time spent on the cover.

Come into my web, said the spider to the fly.
Come rest your wings, and let us talk eye to eye.
For I am a spider, and you are the fly. Now that you are here, let us sit, and say hi.
But I have have no morsel to share, nor anything to eat. But wait, what is that stickiness upon your feet.
Ah now I have you, now I can eat. Now I can enjoy you, or store you as meat.
For I am the spider, and you are the fly. How else could it have gone, between one such as you, and one such as I.
 
   
Made in us
Mutated Chosen Chaos Marine







No individual sentences stand out.

The problem is that, as a group, there's very little variation. You should have short sentences, medium, sentences, long ones.
   
Made in gb
Thunderhawk Pilot Dropping From Orbit





Thanks LL, I'l try and mix it up a bit more.

Come into my web, said the spider to the fly.
Come rest your wings, and let us talk eye to eye.
For I am a spider, and you are the fly. Now that you are here, let us sit, and say hi.
But I have have no morsel to share, nor anything to eat. But wait, what is that stickiness upon your feet.
Ah now I have you, now I can eat. Now I can enjoy you, or store you as meat.
For I am the spider, and you are the fly. How else could it have gone, between one such as you, and one such as I.
 
   
Made in no
Terrifying Doombull





Hefnaheim

Now that was deinitly worth the wait! Well done, well done indeed
   
Made in gb
Boosting Space Marine Biker




midlands UK

great, fulfilling tale!

Blood Ravens, 1700pts

Empire 40 wounds

Astra Militarum 2250pts

Khorne 750pts

Space Wolves 1550pts

Orks 500pts

 
   
Made in gb
Thunderhawk Pilot Dropping From Orbit





Thanks, though I'm a bit more leaning to it being not a bad read TBH. Glad you liked it. I'll be adding the next chapter in the coming weeks. Got to give my number one fan his next fix.

Anything you think I could improve in the story or things you want to hear more of?

Come into my web, said the spider to the fly.
Come rest your wings, and let us talk eye to eye.
For I am a spider, and you are the fly. Now that you are here, let us sit, and say hi.
But I have have no morsel to share, nor anything to eat. But wait, what is that stickiness upon your feet.
Ah now I have you, now I can eat. Now I can enjoy you, or store you as meat.
For I am the spider, and you are the fly. How else could it have gone, between one such as you, and one such as I.
 
   
Made in no
Terrifying Doombull





Hefnaheim

YES YES! That you must
   
Made in gb
Boosting Space Marine Biker




midlands UK

i'd say the best thing about this is certainly the characters. However i'd add some more to what they are feeling and thinking to get the readers into the depth of the character.

Blood Ravens, 1700pts

Empire 40 wounds

Astra Militarum 2250pts

Khorne 750pts

Space Wolves 1550pts

Orks 500pts

 
   
Made in gb
Thunderhawk Pilot Dropping From Orbit





Duly noted, thanks for a readers insight.

To tell the truth I think I bit off more than I could chew having so many characters (A whole chapter, what was I thinking ) and unfortunately some have suffered for it (the first company as a whole, Hanko, the General to name but a few). But as the names shrink I'l be going more into depth with the remainder. Just don't get too attached to some though.

This message was edited 1 time. Last update was at 2015/05/10 14:10:28


Come into my web, said the spider to the fly.
Come rest your wings, and let us talk eye to eye.
For I am a spider, and you are the fly. Now that you are here, let us sit, and say hi.
But I have have no morsel to share, nor anything to eat. But wait, what is that stickiness upon your feet.
Ah now I have you, now I can eat. Now I can enjoy you, or store you as meat.
For I am the spider, and you are the fly. How else could it have gone, between one such as you, and one such as I.
 
   
Made in no
Terrifying Doombull





Hefnaheim

It was definitly worth the wait, really liked the battle for the park, and particulary how the guardsmen reacted to the whole madness. Also dat heresy!
   
Made in gb
Thunderhawk Pilot Dropping From Orbit





Yeah sorry to everyone who reads this as just haven't had the time to write. But glad you liked it. Cheers, Trondheim.

Come into my web, said the spider to the fly.
Come rest your wings, and let us talk eye to eye.
For I am a spider, and you are the fly. Now that you are here, let us sit, and say hi.
But I have have no morsel to share, nor anything to eat. But wait, what is that stickiness upon your feet.
Ah now I have you, now I can eat. Now I can enjoy you, or store you as meat.
For I am the spider, and you are the fly. How else could it have gone, between one such as you, and one such as I.
 
   
Made in no
Terrifying Doombull





Hefnaheim

You can never really go wrong with a bit of naval action to spice things up! Keep it comming
   
Made in gb
Thunderhawk Pilot Dropping From Orbit





Cheers, man. Yeah A bit of void action was a nice change of pace for me to write. Glad you liked it and more to follow soon.

Come into my web, said the spider to the fly.
Come rest your wings, and let us talk eye to eye.
For I am a spider, and you are the fly. Now that you are here, let us sit, and say hi.
But I have have no morsel to share, nor anything to eat. But wait, what is that stickiness upon your feet.
Ah now I have you, now I can eat. Now I can enjoy you, or store you as meat.
For I am the spider, and you are the fly. How else could it have gone, between one such as you, and one such as I.
 
   
 
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