RL was just about to settle down a bit and I could concentrate on getting my head together. Due to start my new job tomorrow. Had parents up for a visit, seeing dad was a shock, cancer SUCKS! Then today my Brother who is suffering acute Kidney failure amongst a string of nasty stuff, throws a wobbly, so dropped parents to airport, then down to brothers, persuaded him to go in to hospital. At the same time as putting my gak in perspective, gets me even more down, and more pressure as people look to me to be the strong one. Surely this can't be it can it? Why is this life so bloody hard, and when I stop and think about what some of you have gone through this last while, (looking at you Theo, but several of you have been up against it.) I feel so foolish, and weak.

Sorry for bleating on, kinda hope no one actually stops to read this, just good to put it out there.

Good luck with the new job.
That's a lot to deal with. You're doing great.
Everyone has their burdens to bear, just because someone else may objectively have things worse it doesn't take away from what you are dealing with.
I don't see weakness here; you've gone through all that, AND gone out and got a job (something I've not managed in longer than I care to admit).
I could tag on all manner of clapping/bowing gifs here, but I'm not going to make light of your achievement.
Little steps bring you closer to better times.

Thank you so much everyone, your support is really helping me. My brother has been in Hospital now for weeks and they still cannot tell us what the deal is, they have started him on full dialysis, where they swap out your blood. This seems to have improved things. Dad has been for more scans, and reports that he is doing OK, but I feel he is not being completely honest, I am not close enough to get hold of the doctors. Things are finally settling down on the work front, though they are asking me to do a lot of hours at present.

Mentally I still have bad days, have often thought of ploughing the van into a tree, then I think about my family and (crazy I know) you guys. And I obviously think of those who are less fortunate. We have spent some time raising funds for a charity for a little 6 year old with a heart defect. Wish I could do more. Poor wee soul, lost the fight, it was one of those inevitable things, but I think of his family, I know the parents and grandparents, and just can't imagine how they are coping. My pathetic issues are so tiny in comparison.

One of the big ones on my mind is the world today. I stick my head in a hole every day to try and not think about where we are going and what we are leaving our children, some of it gets me so mad, and some so down. Why the hell can't we get along. I think about the little things that make life so special, and can't fathom why people are so stuck up their own arse they don't realise how wonderful we could be. What we should have achieved by now depresses me, when I think of the wasted lives and time.

Now I am doing better guys, still obviously a way to go, your few words on here, and even just seeing the view count go up, helps me tremendously. Reaching out to all of you talking on your blogs, and the honour I feel when some of you, truly great artists actually listen to me, is a mega boost, I feel part of something special, a legacy. You may think I am talking gak here, but one of humanities greatest gifts is art, expressing ourselves. You don't have to be great at it, but having a go is the main point. Don't give up. Some of the art I have seen in the gallery and across your blogs is something to be proud of. Inspiring others to produce art of their own, that is a legacy worth fighting for.

RL is hard, but the hard stuff is worth doing. it makes a difference in those around us. It;s not always rewarding or is it always apparent; but true champions are not the ones whom talk about the number of times you have taken the blow but by the number of times you got back up. Tomorrow is another opportunity to be that Champion. I wish you and your family the best of all outcomes.