Forum adverts like this one are shown to any user who is not logged in. Join us by filling out a tiny 3 field form and you will get your own, free, dakka user account which gives a good range of benefits to you: No adverts like this in the forums anymore. Times and dates in your local timezone. Full tracking of what you have read so you can skip to your first unread post, easily see what has changed since you last logged in, and easily see what is new at a glance. Email notifications for threads you want to watch closely. Being a part of the oldest wargaming community on the net. If you are already a member then feel free to login now.

Describe your funeral, how it will be set up, who speaks, what they will say, will disco balls drop down and ropes tied to your arms so during the dance your corpse will be dancing around?
My funeral will be like a roast- no I will not be cooked just people will get up and make fun of me and then they can say how much they enjoyed me. Then hooters waitresses will come in and hand out wings.

My funeral will be everyone will be forced to give me one last hug before death, I will be postitioned with my arms out and my casket standing up.
then "High way to hell" will play

"fething finally!" After I turn 155 years old.

First there will be a reading of how I died by Logan Cunningham. I imagine the way I died will be so incredibly awesome that, when combined with his voice, it will incite more than a few heart attacks from sheer awesome or possibly an orgy.
After that various tributes and offerings will be placed at the feet of a 1,000 ft statue of me killing two dragons with my bare hands while cooking a 7 course meal for the royal family.
Tributes will include, but are not limited to: The sound of a deafening silence, what women really think, the secret spices of KFC, a kit-kat and the happiness of a child.
After the world wide mourning has ended and the world has united in the grief over my death I will resurrect myself and lead humanity to a golden future.
How I died. Disclaimer: Not for the faint of heart.

I won't have a funeral as my body parts are going to be sent to either the scientific or medical community.

Ten thousand wiener dogs will yodel "My Way" by Frank Sinatra. President For Life Genghis Connie will read my list of people who can suck my balls. Its a long list. I hope there are chairs for everyone sit in.

Later, they will nuke the site from orbit so the Great Wienie does not use my bones as a symbol to unite the lost tribes of Cthulu.

It will be too late.

Given that I seem to have developed a talent for writing almost-porn, I'll probably write the story of my life as an LifexAvatar shipping. Lifatar shall be my final OTP. My story shall be read out to the masses by whoever can bring themselves to do it.

Frankly I want my funeral to be a party. I'm a religious person that believes in an afterlife, so I see no reason people should be so weepy. Break out the mead! Let the band play! Enjoy yourselves!

Also, I would like to have Alan Rickman read my eulogy. Why? Because the man has a voice perfectly suited to sarcasm, and trust me, my life easily lends itself to sarcasm.

~Tim?

My funeral will be a party. With a big fat sign above my coffin that reads "those who choose not to revel in my last party...well imma haunt the feth out of you so get to it" or something of that nature.

I hate sad mopey funerals.

Now this is a good thread, poppa G. Much improved over your other one-liners. Quality over quantity and all that.

First, I always thought it would be fun if for the viewing, they somehow make it so I have a big grin on my face while I'm laying in the casket. Of course, I will be wearing a clown suit, to help lighten the mood and keep anyone from feeling creeped out.

After the viewing, there will be a party with plenty of good food and beer, and the band KoRn will perform a live show with their original lineup. During the high point of the show, which will be a heartfelt rendition of "Ball Tongue," my body will be tossed from the stage into the mosh pit to crowd surf a final time.

After that's all done, I would prefer a natural burial with no embalming and no concrete vault. I would prefer to be buried on family property if I can swing it, and if not, somewhere else where you can do a natural burial.

I'm going to have a viking funeral. I've already gotten my friend to sign a contract stating that he'll light my funerary pyre in case of my untimely death.

It begins. Everyone is gathered in a small hall or auditorium. Twenty minutes late, the house lights dim:

Dry ice covers the floor in roiling fog; Baba O'Riley beguns to play, with a lazer light show synched up to it.

At the crack of Daltry's vocals, my body descends from the rafters on wires and is suspended in midair. At the first bridge, the music fades slightly as a brief but tasteful eulogy is read. The music rises, louder and louder during the second bridge as the eulogy wraps up, and my body is lowered into a pit of flames at the song's apex, to be cremated.

Afterwards, the executor of my estate is to fly to France, and pour my ashes over Jim Morrison's grave; so that for all of time whenever anyone leaves him an offering, he'll have to share with me.



As an alternate ending: if the Jim Morrison thing isn't likely to work out, then replace that bit with that process wherein a person's remains can be pressurized and compressed into a jewel; of which I want an engraving to read "Death but a door, Time but a window. I'll be back." and then placed into a small but tasteful, art-deco inspired crypt, complete with at least one booby trap. I figure it'll only take two, three generations tops before stories of "crazy uncle azazel" become the stuff of legend.

It will be a pyre with my ashes poured down into the Pacific. Warrior-poets will tell stories about me. Their fondest memories of me. Then they will throw my girlfriend into the pyre with me followed by my guitar and hunting knife and rifle.

Then a orgy of food, music and flesh followed by a deathmatch of the male contestents where the winner commits ritual suicide and then we all walk the dinosaur

Being immortal, I guess I don't get to have one. But if I did, comedy music would have to be involved. Cremation probably, and as I slide into the flames a disco ball comes down to the tune of "burn baby burn - disco inferno!"

...just kidding about the immortal thing. :p

 Hordini wrote:
Now this is a good thread, poppa G. Much improved over your other one-liners. Quality over quantity and all that.

First, I always thought it would be fun if for the viewing, they somehow make it so I have a big grin on my face while I'm laying in the casket. Of course, I will be wearing a clown suit, to help lighten the mood and keep anyone from feeling creeped out.

After the viewing, there will be a party with plenty of good food and beer, and the band KoRn will perform a live show with their original lineup. During the high point of the show, which will be a heartfelt rendition of "Ball Tongue," my body will be tossed from the stage into the mosh pit to crowd surf a final time.

After that's all done, I would prefer a natural burial with no embalming and no concrete vault. I would prefer to be buried on family property if I can swing it, and if not, somewhere else where you can do a natural burial.

Thanks man, I'm slowly getting better!
and ps, im coming to your funeral because that sounds pretty bawlin'

I want to be cremated first, then driven to the service by an artic lorry playing 'You've got the touch'.



The service will start with 'The Death of Optimus Prime'.



I want the first words of any eulogy to start with 'Over the years, I came to regard him as...someone I met'

Then , the final countdown starts playing.



I will be raised from an orchestra pit in my own personal firework, dry ice billowing out from the stage, a massive firework display kicks off.
At the end of the song, my remains will be blasted into the sky where I explode.

I have two choices for my way of death, can't decide between the two:
Preserved, arranged in a awkward and embarrasing position, in Resin, then have it written into my will that whoever inherits my stuff MUST position me in the corner of their living room/near the front door or forfeit the entire of my inheritance. I might be nice and have some hooks embedded in the block of resin for coats/keys/hats etc...

OR

A idea stolen from comedian Sean Lock - I want to be taken away in a bedford rascal, and fly-tipped in an area of outstanding natural beauty

Peope will be allowed to say whatever they like about me.
It's not like I will be in any position to gainsay it - nor care - since I'll be dead and way past caring, in any case.

I prefer to let how I lived my life tell its own story, though. Here was a man who fell, and got back up, who loved, lost, lived and played with mandollies.

I'm an organ doner - so all things going to plan, the rest should fit in a lunchbox and go in the furnace. I want a quiet, dignified send-off. Hookers, midgets and loud ROCK music.

If my sister puts Mariah Carey's "Hero" on, there are standing orders to have her shot. As an example. How they deal with her funeral won't be my problem.
(She does this to all of our family funerals. I don't want it at mine.)

 purplefood wrote:
First there will be a reading of how I died by Logan Cunningham.

I was going to go similar to this, only it's Morgan Freeman reading my life story, and how epic of a death I had. Then, I'll go on a "State Tour", where I am laid in State at the US Capitol, the Vatican, that place where the Dalai Lama lives, under the black blanket thing at Mecca.. you get the idea

My funeral will be a 4 year presidential term in which I will reenact Lewis Black's "Dead President" joke, and I will be hailed as a hero for defeating the Terrorists.

Just me and the minimum wage slub pushing me into the oven.

Maybe my kid will show up... maybe.

It'd be quite appealing to be burnt on a pyre, like Qui Gon from the Phantom Menace. < I guess that's more of an honourable type funeral though, and I've not exactly distinguished myself as a hero or anything so not sure if it would be appropriate.

I guess I could settle for just being obliterated via cremation then having my ashes scattered over a nice waterfall or some other peaceful place in nature.

I would want no service, no tombstone, no party, no gathering, no cremation, no burial, just to disappear completely.

 Cheesecat wrote:
I won't have a funeral as my body parts are going to be sent to either the scientific or medical community.

Famous last words of Horus Lupercal


Automatically Appended Next Post:
It will start with Shia la bouf listing out the names of well known presidents of the Martian volcano Olympus mons. Then Morgan freeman will read my life stories, secretly he will read all books in the lord of the rings trilogy. 20 welsh people and 21 people from liverpool will argue over 3 topics that they nothing about if the lion is alive in the dark angels cruiser of the rock, if there are loyalist word bearers and if bacon can exist in the immaterium. Homer J. Simpson will gain 100 points, nobody will understand.

The clergy will then shadow dance and dress like lady gaga for the honour of the great god, ronan keating. A man will load a watergun with his blood and fire AIDS at people, in turn these people will be thrown under my coffin to increase the body count to over 9000.

7 people from bungie who are making destiny will appear in large purple cloaks and give me a detailed account of how "it will all work", they will be joined by Miguel from BHVR.

The smurfs will play music that is in the with a mosquito who is in turn biting all members of the audience giving them a disease that causes spontanaeus highly explosive vomit-inducing farts.

At the end a random member of the audience will stand up and in an Australian accent state "cool story, needs more dragons" I will then explode from my coffin wearing a pink suit and turn into a dragon, alduin, smaug and a poodle dressesed as a dragon will appear, proving the man wrong, his jaw will fall off.

David hasselhoff will come out along with Neil diamond and JJ abhrams and together they will dance and sing "the hussel".

Finally a man will receive 1,000,000,000 from my will, throw it on the ground and state how he doesn't look like a charity case. He will go on an unstoppable rampage throwing many thongs on the ground, showing people "the realworld".

That is all, and the whole the whole time people will refer to me as the o'mighty man.

Well, if everything doesn't go according to plan and I don't work out that nasty space-time flux and the whole "matter reassembly" thing, there will be no body or any record of death, so I guess it'll be the police report stamped "Missing, presumed dead".

 daedalus wrote:
Well, if everything doesn't go according to plan and I don't work out that nasty space-time flux and the whole "matter reassembly" thing, there will be no body or any record of death, so I guess it'll be the police report stamped "Missing, presumed dead".

So you're the admiral's dog that Scotty lost eh?

 xole wrote:
I would want no service, no tombstone, no party, no gathering, no cremation, no burial, just to disappear completely.

I'm not sure if this is possible...you can't just walk in to the abyss? So to speak.

Warning: May contain offensive language.

Two drink minimum, if you don't want to drink you have to give a brief speech, once all the sober people are done, open mike eulogies after those drinks have settled in. Open bar's in the back. Once that's done load my corpse on the raft, push it out into the current and set that puppy on fire.

 Coolyo294 wrote:
I'm going to have a viking funeral. I've already gotten my friend to sign a contract stating that he'll light my funerary pyre in case of my untimely death.

So am I. When I told Mrs. Snurl about the plan she shook her head and sighed, "but I'll have to get a permit for that"