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With a new DE book on the horizon

http://www.dakkadakka.com/dakkaforum/posts/list/595606.page

NOW is the time for some completely made up and false rumors!

1 - In order to better represent advanced Eldar technology DE warriors will now have 3+ saves. Spinter rifles will be S4 AP5 and they will be bumped up to T4 to show their resistance to pain as well as S4 to simulate their supernaturally sharp blades.

2 - exciting new name! Maiusculus Obscurus!

3 - Exciting new price! No wait... that's a true rumor.

4 - In order to make the army more appealing to kids (or at least their parents) DE no longer torture, enslave or have orgies. Instead they give weggies, wet willies, sulk and listen to NIN in their mom's basements

5 - In order to make them easier to trade mark DE Warriors renamed War Death Skull Rape Pillage Muder Doing Guys

6 - No change to the DE prisoners because obviously there is no way to improve on such smexy smexy models

 Kid_Kyoto wrote:


5 - In order to make them easier to trade mark DE Warriors renamed War Death Skull Rape Pillage Muder Doing Guys

That's just blatantly false.. You forgot faux Latin.

"Astra Elves Morte Dolor Sadistico"

The codex is going to sell for $23

Instead of a Single Codex. Dark Eldar Wyches will be split off into their own codex, But still be an entry in the regular Codex

There will be a new Large model, (insert name with the word Knight in it)

Lord Vect will now have a plastic model! Except that it only comes in the limited edition Death Skull Chariot of Dark Shadow Doom kit. This exciting kit consists of Vect standing a top of a miniature raider made out of bones being pulled by grotesques.

The warrior kit will be split up into a five man boxes. After all, if the Eldar have to pay out the ass for basic infantry then so do you!

The Raider's rules will be a White Dwarf exclusive.

To balance out the lack of female models in the range they are now making a new female character kit. This wonderfully detailed kit has plenty of options so that your model can represent anything from an Archon to a warrior. To make it look like GW didn't just take the lazy route they will list every possible combination of options as a unique model on the website.

DE squads and vehicles will all have an upgrade for 5ppm called:
Psisplinter ammo that will cost 5pts and change their posion to wound on 3+

14 - GW will finally answer the long-standing fluff question of just how a race completely dedicated to torture and killing can possibly build a stable society and maintain its populations. They can't. Turns out there's only like a dozen DE left. The size of DE armies will be limited accordingly.

15 - All DE codexes will come with temporary tattoos and a clip on nose ring so you can be dangerous and edgy just like the Dark Eldar!

16 - Due to an unfortunate typo all 50,000 copies of the book say Codex: Dork Eldar on the cover. GW could have recalled them but decided to go ahead since they figure if people bought the GK codex and the Imperial Knight 'codex' with one unit, they'll buy anything.

17 - Forge World has a plan for several new Dark Eldar models. Unfortuanately the plan involves all DE disguising themselves head to toe in Heresy-era Space Marine armor.

18 - Codex Dark Eldar is the first codex to be sold in Hot Topic!

19 - Bolt Thrower has reunited to record a new album 'Lords of Pain' in honor of the DE codex. You'll get a free download code with every purchase!

20 - The painful Dark Eldar splinter rifle will be joined with several new weapons to inflict pain on their victims: The Mosquito Bite Pistol, the Rock in Your Shoe Carbine and the dread Paper Cut Cannon.

21 - DE will get a powerful new artillery piece, the Violator. A long bulbus cannon, with several pulsing, throbbing veins down its incredible 18" length, powered by two Wrath Spheres suspended below it this cannon has the power to penetrate deep into its target. The Violator will be packaged in a plain brown wrapper and only sold to hobbiests over the age of 18.

22 - Dark Eldar will be able to ally with Genestealer Cults, Electro Priests and Zoats. Y'know, in case anyone ever brings them back.

23 - After market research showed that new fans are not entirely sure what a 'Dark Eldar' is the book was renamed: Elfs who are Dark and also In Space and Kind of Into Bondage but in a PG-13 Sort of Way.

Actually the last one is a fib.

GW doesn't do market research.

Or have new fans.

24- The limited edition codex will come in a special limited edition spiky box covered in spines that exude Bullet Ant venom. The box itself will be listed as a Lord of War option for 5,000 points that you can use to hit your opponent and yourself with.

25- Dark Eldar will be Come the Apocalypse allies with themselves.

26- All DE kits will be rereleased in Finecast instead of plastic.

16 - Due to an unfortunate typo all 50,000 copies of the book say Codex: Dork Eldar on the cover. GW could have recalled them but decided to go ahead since they figure if people bought the GK codex and the Imperial Knight 'codex' with one unit, they'll buy anything.

Actually, what will happen is that upon releasing the book and realizing the mistake, they will then issue stickers to any who bought the codex. The sticker will have the correct letter on it so that you can cover up the typo and will come in three varieties.

Basic - they will send this for free with proof of purchase. It will be a basic black letter on a white sticker. You will simply have to pay shipping and handling of $29.99
Limited - As above but now on gold foil. You will also have to pay an extra 10$ for the upgrade
Pain Token Super Limited - Gold foil with embossed skull instead of the correct letter. It cost $40 on top of the shipping fee and will, suspiciously, resemble the "o" you're trying to cover up. It will also have its own numbered editions. The numbers will be random though. Someone my get the first printing sticker while their neighboor will receive the sigma edition and your FLGS owner will get a sticker with a small picture of a sparrow instead of a number.

There will be 4 Gargantuan Creatures and 2 Titans in the book.
Each has at least one StrD weapon stock.

You will be able to take all of them at the same time in a 2000pt army.


Automatically Appended Next Post:

TheCustomLime wrote:Lord Vect will now have a plastic model! Except that it only comes in the limited edition Death Skull Chariot of Dark Shadow Doom kit. This exciting kit consists of Vect standing a top of a miniature raider made out of bones being pulled by grotesques.

Except.... that would totally fit with the Dark Eldar and be amazing.

Kid_Kyoto wrote:21 - DE will get a powerful new artillery piece, the Violator. A long bulbus cannon, with several pulsing, throbbing veins down its incredible 18" length, powered by two Wrath Spheres suspended below it this cannon has the power to penetrate deep into its target. The Violator will be packaged in a plain brown wrapper and only sold to hobbiests over the age of 18.

You realise now I have to make this.

The DE have been dropped and replaced with the Adeptus Mechanicus codex.

27. The Dark Eldar are now Battle Brothers with the Tau, because why should their sissy Craftworld cousins get all the anime mecha cow alien fun?

28. Vect will be made a LoW. The "sexy" prisoner models will be an upgrade for his Raider that will give the vehicle a 2++ rerollable save (stackable with Jink if the Raider moves!) for only 25 points! Unfortunately, the upgrade can only be used if you actually have the models, and GW will not be issuing new sculpts for them, or converting them to Finec--- er, resin. Better start scouring Ebay, kids!

28(a) If you somehow have a pair of the unreleased topless prisoner models, the save increases to 1++ rerollable.

Poison weapons will no longer work on any model that doesn't have flesh exposed. Necrons are completely immune.

 Colpicklejar wrote:
Poison weapons will no longer work on any model that doesn't have flesh exposed. Necrons are completely immune.

good news against space wolves!

 Kid_Kyoto wrote:
21 - DE will get a powerful new artillery piece, the Violator. A long bulbus cannon, with several pulsing, throbbing veins down its incredible 18" length, powered by two Wrath Spheres suspended below it this cannon has the power to penetrate deep into its target. The Violator will be packaged in a plain brown wrapper and only sold to hobbiests over the age of 18.

Oh god, I died laughing at this.

Actually the last one is a fib.

GW doesn't do market research.

Or have new fans.

KK, you're killing me just the way a Dark Eldar would- with a thousand small cuts!

To encourage 'cinematic' gaming, the Dark Eldar will have Darkness Fields, Dark Lances, Dark Missiles, Dark Venom, and Dark Marks.
All pictures in White Dwarf of the new army, and their premiere battle report, will be taken in a dark room with no flash.
The codex will be printed with black text on a charcoal background, leading to many rules "discussions".
Entirely black Dark Eldar objective cards will be printed, which automatically award victory points, since you cannot determine what the Dark Eldar objective is (as you are 'in the dark').

Vect will be a Lord of War, available only on a Raider so spiky that you must sign a legal disclaimer before purchasing it. On the other hand, whenever you stab yourself moving it, you get a free pain token (now renamed Dark Marks).

Limited Edition Codex comes with six exclusive metal Dark Marks. If you buy this edition, you automatically start the game with all six.

Wracks and Grotesques now joined by their monstrous brethren, the Fuglies. Fuglies are monstrous creatures and have Feel No Pain. If they fail a Feel No Pain roll, they feel pain, and get a Pain Token---err, Dark Mark, and can use it to remove the wound.

Dark Eldar can now emerge from anywhere on the game board, provided you have a Citadel Warp Portal. The Citadel Warp Portal is produced in polystone resin in a limited edition of two. One will be dropped and the other lost in shipping.

Archons can now wield the Heart of Awesome. This fell artifact will fill the enemy commander with unholy power, making him a Lord of War. However, unless the enemy commander's detachment allows for an additional Lord of War, he is now illegal and will be removed from play.

To represent the myriad effects that Dark Eldar poisons could have on a lifeform, there is now a D66 Dark Eldar Poison chart, which you have to roll on for each unsaved wound from a splinter weapon.

You will be able to turn in your old codex for a 50% discount on the new codex.

 Red Marine wrote:
You will be able to turn in your old codex for a 50% discount on the new codex.

Crazy enough that is the hardest thing to believe here.

37 - Murder Fang will be an elite choice for Dark Eldar. Have to move those $50 special characters somehow amirite?

38 - Nagash will be HQ choice for the Dark Eldar. Have to move those $100 special characters somehow amirite?

39 - Bilbo Baggins will be a mandatory troop choice for Dark Eldar. Have to move those $120 Escape from Goblin Town sets somehow amirite?

40 - The DE Raider will be reissued as a paper mache model to better represent its durability on the table top.

41 - DAKKA EXCLUSIVE, Vect's new model, showing him and the Dias of Destruction enveloped in its protective shadow field! As you can see it is one of the most accurate and detailed models GW has ever made showing Vect, a dozen slave girls, a full team of guards and an elaborate raider brisling with spikes and guns.

They are renaming them codex: Emo

These bad boys are so moody they show up to a battlefield drunk and threaten to throw themselves off the highest terrain.

They are also now lead by Dark Elvis and while this makes absolutely no sense, Elvis brings in the dollars.

Fuglies brandishing violators sound awesome so there in. The rest are scantly clad females to rake in the cash.

Yep GW are on a gold mine with this one.

P.S. You also get a limited edition purse to keep your balls in..... I mean shadow fields in at the bargain price of $300. Hurry while stocks last.

New "must have" models (think Wraightknights but at 50pts per model) will be available. However they provide a sharp electric shock when touched and 'shock mode' must be turned on during all games, otherwise it's an automatic loss for the DE player.

No pain, no gain

All units will be removed from the Dark Eldar codex that can not be made out of the Warrior box. All other models will be put into their own supplement or data slate for only $49.99 each (only available on the ipad).

47-According to newly reviled fluff this one time the Space Emporer saw this Dark Eldar wearing his dog collar and studded pleather pants and he was all like 'get a haircut and get a real job loser' so the dark elder shot him with Hus splinter gun thing and the spinter got under the Space Emporer's fingernail and the Space Emporer was all like 'ow! That really hurts! Why'd you do that but the dark eldar totally blew him off and went back to putting on black nail polish.

So the Space Emporer cursed the Dark Eldar to forever have to wait 8 years between updates.

48-the codex will come with a signed letter of apology to HR Giger and Clive Barker for shamelessly ripping off their works then swearing under oath that GW artists don't draw on any inspiration from anywhere.

49-the limited edition will have a hand written letter from Tom Kirby apologizing for making the Elfs who are Dark and also in Space and Kind of into Bondage but in a PG13 sort of way rather than Adeptus Mech, Demiurge, Chaos Cults or any of a thousand other good ideas they could have pursued instead.

 Kid_Kyoto wrote:
.

49-the limited edition will have a hand written letter from Tom Kirby apologizing for making the Elfs who are Dark and also in Space and Kind of into Bondage but in a PG13 sort of way rather than Adeptus Mech, Demiurge, Chaos Cults or any of a thousand other good ideas they could have pursued instead.

Please be serious. We all know that Kirby would blame the customers for not allowing GW to make Demiurg or bring back Lost and the Damned.
Because no one likes Lost and the Damned, right?

50. All new model kits will come with a box of complimentary kittens.

 ClockworkZion wrote:
50. All new model kits will come with a box of complimentary kittens.

And a fork.

 Ovion wrote:

 ClockworkZion wrote:
50. All new model kits will come with a box of complimentary kittens.

And a fork.

With barbecue sauce. Signed by Tom Kirby.

 CthuluIsSpy wrote:

 Ovion wrote:

 ClockworkZion wrote:
50. All new model kits will come with a box of complimentary kittens.

And a fork.

With barbecue sauce. Signed by Tom Kirby.

Signed nothing, it'll be brewed by Kirby himself using the distilled tears of the GW customer base for the last 25 years.

I love Kittens, they stay crunchy in milk.