Orkeosaurus wrote:

Paul Atreides wrote:Sorry I might just be dense but what is the history of the vindicare assasin in love with the farseer? It is brought up in so many of these jokes that I would like to hear its origins.

It's a bad piece of fanfiction.

To; Lord-Inquisitor Von Grimm, Ordo Hereticus
From; Inquisitor Bigotin, Ordo Hereticus
Subject; Inquisitorial Purge BD-4992 "The Hogwarts Purge"
Transmitted; Inquisitorial Fortress, Bethor VIII
Transmitter; Astropath Ginla
Receiver; Astropath Wulesh

Salutations Lord!
I am pleased to report that the heretical witch-coven, the sect known as "Hogwarts School of Wizardry and Witchcraft" has been eliminated, and every member of this vile cult has been cleansed with fire and sword.
Accompanied by five squads of veteran Inquisitorial Stormtroopers, two-hundred local militia, a dozen arco-flagellants, two Penitent Engines, and three squads drawn from the Order of the Holy Nimbus, we began our assault upon the fortress of the enemy at dawn's first light. Although the castle was hidden from normal sight by a myriad of hexes and foul enchantments, these wards were easily bypassed thanks to the psyk-out strike launched by the Persecution, and we were able to begin the assault.
We stormed the grounds, suffering only minor casualties from various self-defence spell-traps that the enemy had placed within the grounds. These traps were disposed of quickly by my cadre of sanctioned psykers, and we able to press on.
We were soon accosted by a heavily-haired mutant of exceptional height and bulk upon approaching the castle's main portcullis. He was accompanied by a variety of abominable creatures, gruesome beasts which looked like twisted parodies of ancient creatures of legend- such beasts included a disturbing horse/eagle hybrid and assorted scorpion/crab-like creatures, each one the size of a small landcar, amongst others. The large mutant challenged us in an accent I did not recognise, but no doubt it was speaking in some daemonic tongue. I ordered the attack. The creatures of the mutant beastmaster took a heavy toll on the local militia and my Stormtroopers, but our numbers and weaponry were superior, and the Sisters of the Holy Nimbus swiftly brought down the creatures with bolter, melta and flamer fire. The giant mutant beastmaster possessed incredible strength and endurance, and managed to inflict crippling damage on one of the Penitent Engines and kill and seriously wound twenty-three militia, Sisters and Stormtroopers before it was brought down by the holy rage of the arco-flagellants (three of which perished due to lethal combat stimm overdose- in death, they have been granted His Forgiveness).
We consolidated our position and set up a strong foothold whilst our chirurgeons and Sisters Hospitaller provided healing for the wounded and mercy for the dying.
To the south, I glimpsed an oval structure that appeared to resemble a standard Imperial amphitheatre or coliseum. Six tall poles, topped with huge hoops, were situated on this "pitch", three at each end. I theorised that the cult held some form of diabolical rituals or ceremonies there, and that the hoops were utilised in these.
No sooner had our wounded been comforted and aided by our medical staff, the witches of the Hogwarts School appeared. I was at first shocked at the average age of our foe; the youngest seemed to be ten years of standard, the oldest no more than seventeen. They were led by five older psykers, and they outnumbered us nearly two to one. At first, I foolishly thought that fighting children would be no challenge, but I chastised myself, remembering that each of these younglings was an illegal psyker, taught by their council of the older rogue psykers.
The eldest of the rogue psykers, whom I presumed to be the leader, stepped forward, and I saw the malevolence and hatred in his eyes that spoke of a man driven insane by the daemonic power which he wielded. He personally addressed me, giving his name as Albus Dumbledore, but I did not wish to bandy words with a heretic and a witch, so before he could speak any further and bewitch me, I disposed of him with my stake crossbow and gave the order for my force to attack.
Pandemonium erupted immediately. The younger psykers were herded back into the castle by two of the "teachers"; a wrinkled midget and a portly woman bedecked with scraps of local flora. The older children retaliated, led by the other two psykers, a crone-faced woman and a cadaverous man with long black greasy hair.
The psykers launched a variety of psychic attacks that killed and/or otherwise incapicitated my warriors. I saw some terrible things. Two Stormtroopers stumbled and fell to the ground, as if their limbs had ceased to function. Sister-Palatine Lucresia was transmuted in a second from a proud warrior of the Adepta Sororitas to a pewter goblet. Local militia either burst into laughter so violent that their blood vessels burst, or were inflated like carnival balloons. Arco-flagellants slipped and collapsed as the ground beneath them was turned to ice. I remained unscathed, thanks to the protection offered by my hexagrammic wards and my accompanying sanctioned and penitent psykers.
I rallied my troops and pressed the attack. Many of the child psykers were slain by the accurate firepower of my Stormtroopers and the Sisters, and they fled in craven dissarray, only to be picked off at the leisure of my warriors and I. Subject 23 was bisected by Sister Superior Paminda's eviscerator, whilst Subject 22 met the Emperor's Judgement at the claws of the Penitent Engine.
We advanced into the castle, gunning down resistance where we found it. Subjects 24 and 25 were killed as they defended the younger heretics, many of whom surrendered after the deaths of their "teachers". I tasked Stormtrooper Lieutenant Virone with prisoner detail, and he and his squad set about dealing with the captured children, taking them to the evac zone and transferring them to the null-cells aboard the Persecution, where they would await interrogation and execution.
We finally came across the last point of resistance in the great hall of the castle, a room so seeped in obscene witchery that I permitted only the Sisters and my personal staff to accompany me inside- I could not risk the corruption of the Stormtroopers.
At the end of the hall stood four figures, all of them young psykers. Three of the psykers were male, and one was female. They began a last-ditch defence, but their efforts were in vain. The blonde, arrogant-looking male was reduced to ashes by my gun-servitor's plasma cannon, and the freckled, red-haired male took a trio of bolter shots to the chest. The female, a young girl with long, curly brown hair surrendered to us, and I immediately placed an inhibitor upon her (I have since transferred Subject 26 to my own staff, where she now serves as a penitent psyker).
The final male, a boy with thick black hair, spectacles, and a curious scar on his forehead was monstrously powerful for one so young, and claimed the lives of four Sisters, my two gun-servitors, and Interrogator Delaun before he was stopped. As Interrogator Tesze held him in the jaws of her mancatcher, I prepared my power stake for the killing strike. Subject 29 looked at me frantically and cried out; "You idiot muggle! If you kill me, Voldemort will return!"
I presumed that "muggle" was some sort of profane cult slang. I had no idea who "Voldemort" was/is, but I assume that the witch's babble was a desperate and useless plea to prevent me from dispensing justice. I paid his rambling no heed, and impaled his heart with my sacred power stake.
Our mission a success, we ransacked the castle for any heretical items that would need to be immediately destroyed to prevent them from corrupting the servants of the Emperor any longer. We found all manner of wands, ingredients, spellbooks and scrolls, and curious orb-shaped relics. All was put to the cleansing flame.
Upon our return to the Persecution, I gave the order for Captain Yevonce to begin the orbital bombardment of the castle, completely obliterating the vile structure. As we made warp transition to Bethor VIII, I and my staff began the interrogation of the young witches.
My apologies for the lack of transcripts at this current moment, but I regret to announce that both my scribe-skull and auto-savant are both out of ink and parchment, and Interrogator Tesze has been forced to transcribe the interrogations from the various vox-thief recordings. The transcripts will be with you shortly, my Lord.
The stain of the Hogwarts coven has been wiped from the Emperor's glorious realm.

Your Servant,
Inquisitor Predujis Bigotin

Scottywan82 wrote:Actually, for Warhammer related comics, nothing beats the fine words printed on the Black Mantle:

Kid_Kyoto wrote:

Apone wrote:A "KNOW YOUR XENOS!" poster. With pictures of the different races looking all scary with warning signs underneath. Maybe.

Something like this then...

"Some Awesome"

I'll let them fight it out.

adielubbe wrote:I have found a few aswell

Drunkspleen wrote:goddamn, and I had almost forgotten just how unfunny B^Uckley is, why'd you have to go and post CAD

Kid_Kyoto wrote:

Arctik_Firangi wrote:
THIS MAN APPEARS TO HAVE BREASTS!

Orkeosaurus wrote:

Drunkspleen wrote:goddamn, and I had almost forgotten just how unfunny B^Uckley is, why'd you have to go and post CAD

But you're forgetting just how funny CAD can be!

Scottywan82 wrote:Please tell me you're kidding. I just about slit my own wrists after reading that story line. It's the chief reason I no longer read CAD.

ultramarine1 wrote:

Howard A Treesong wrote:I came across something the other day that'll I'll reproduce here incase the Collegehumor site isn't safe enough for everyone...




Build Your Own "Huey Hog" Model Chopper
by Derek Walborn June 16, 2007



Nothing is quite as satisfying as building and displaying your own model. Today we will be building 1:48 scale Huey Hog chopper. You will need a modeling knife and plastic cement, as well as the included paints and decals. Let's begin:


1. Cut two halves of helicopter body (fig.1 and fig. 2) from plastic net A.



2. Shave plastic nubs from helicopter blades A, B, C, and D.



3. Glue body halves (fig. 1 and 2) together.



4. Carefully remove plastic support C from body to aid in door assembly.



5. Cut transparent window pieces (fig. 7) from plastic shims.



6. Cement pilot A into seat assembly A. Cement into cockpit of body.



7. Glue door assembly A into appropriate body side. Lines on side should match up.



8. Remove pilot B from shims and cement into seat B and cut off extra plastic. Glue into cockpit assembly.



9. Attach rotor assembly (fig. 5 and 9) to top of body with cement.



10. After securing windows (fig. 11,12,13,14, and 15) to body, cement landing gear to bottom of body.



11. Snap main blade assembly into slot 3 on top of body. If realistic motion is desired, blades need not be glued down. This will allow them to spin freely.



12. Apply decal A as pictured in diagram C.



13. Decorate chopper to your liking using included paints. Suggestions are available on packaging.



14. Congratulations! Your Huey Hog helicopter is now ready for display!

TheCapm wrote:That last one is so true! And I play as orks!


*DUH*

Yarrick

Armageddon. The name of that hellish excuse for a solar system will make any guardsman with a lick of sense shudder. Well my friends, I have a story to tell about Armageddon. Specifically, that men of men, our dear Commissar Yarrick.

It was the first war of Armageddon, in the infamous Hades Hive. That damned greenskin Ugulhard had been pressing us bad, wave after wave of the big, dumb, green brutes had been smashing up against the cathedral my company and Yarrick himself had been holed up in. The Commissar had lost his arm to a stray shot from a big shoota earlier in the day, and just about everyone else had a hole in them somewhere.

Then, just as things were at their bleakest, the man himself strides up to the front line , orders a ceasefire, and then promptly yells into the voxspeaker he had been carrying with him: “WARLORD UGULHARD IS A BLOODY STUPID EXCUSE FOR AN ORK AND THAT A LOUSY GRETCHIN COULD BEAT HIM IN A SQUIG EATING MATCH!”
For a moment, there was nothing but shocked silence as the Orks stopped dead in their tracks and stared dumbly at Yarrick. The quiet was broken by the loudest voice I had ever heard roaring “WOT SON OF A STINKIN’ GROT LICKIN’ ‘ARF BRAINED FRAGGIN’ GIT SED DAT!?”. Orks began flying through the air and the largest Nob I had ever seen emerged from the masses towards the edge of the mob. Without batting an eyelid, Yarrick pointed to the poor guardsman on his left and said plainly, “He did.” Ugulhard let out a deafening cry of “WAAAGH!” rushed up to the unfortunate sap and began strangling him with his huge hands. The Commissar, still completely calm, unsheathed his chainsword and neatly lopped off the preoccupied Warlord’s head. The rest of the Orks were dumbfounded for a moment more, then turned around and wandered out of the Hive, mumbling things like “..dat’s one ‘ard ‘umie…”, and “..never loiked dat git Ugulhard anywayz..”

After the battle, I started hearing a story from people outside my company about how Yarrick had faced down Ugulhard one on one, losing his arm but cutting off the Warlord’s head and fighting off the rest of the Orks alone using his own Power Klaw. I wouldn’t be surprised if Yarrick himself was the one who started that rumor.

Mattlov wrote:

TheCapm wrote:That last one is so true! And I play as orks!


*DUH*

I rarely have a problem with my Tyranids. Tau are the only army I seem to beat consistently with them.

jamunition wrote:Why... oh why would you desecrate marinis calgar

Rymafyr wrote:That's the best Marneus Calgar ever....Does anyone else ever think, "...Calgar, take me away!" or is that too much before everyone's time?

God Of Yams wrote:Hmm, needs an upgrade

Paul Atreides wrote:We musen't let this thread die. We just can't.

ultramarine1 wrote:Well, once there was a black and white space marine on a black and white bike.......

ultramarine1 wrote:b&w space marine on a b&w bike=worst 40k joke. ever.

BigToof wrote:It's not funny.

aunshova wrote:I want my 5 minutes back :(

aunshova wrote:The ending would have been worth while if they didn't let the SM marry the captains daughter because they didn't believe he was the Black and white bla bla, because the acid washed off his paint job.

Ensis Ferrae wrote:if only i had the ability to delete that post

aunshova wrote:My friend actually got to see that pink necron army. Showed me pics of 'em on his cell phone.

aunshova wrote:And here's a wall of awesome to keep you busy. I pretty much gutted my 40k folder for this, enjoy.

Golden Eyed Scout wrote:

Why is Geard Butler on the banner?

Deff Dread red Edition wrote:This may not be 40k but it is random:

Anung Un Rama wrote:Because he's loud and angry.

GoFenris wrote:I love the Angry Marine Command Squad by the one reference I don't get is the guy on the far left with orange hair and blue reflection on his hands and face. I know I'm exposing my ignorance but any help...?