Cheese Elemental wrote:Lord Cheese, Emperor of Chan IV, sat brooding in his throne, glaring at the World of Warcraft player kneeling before him, clad in ripped and ragged clothes. Cheese leaned fowards in his throne, lowering his face to within an inch of the pathetic creature's face. The WoWfan slowly raised his head, shivering with terror. The Mark of Blizzard on his forehead stood out on his pale, sunlight-fearing skin.
Cheese snorted derisively under his crowned helmet, leaning back in his throne. It was a marvelous creation, forged from pure nerdrage, the many carvings on it depicting scenes of Mechas being blasted to smithereens by Leman Russ Battle Tanks and Dakkaites being ripped to shreds by ravenous MTG players.
Cheese spoke, his smooth, slightly English voice breaking the silence of the throne chamber.
"Is this the best you could manage, Moot?" he asked his Administrator, not taking his gaze off the WoWfan.
"Indeed, my lord. The others either perished in the crash or were killed by the men before they recieved the order to bring some in alive."
Cheese tilted his head. "A pity," he murmured. "I would have liked to have met the scum who said the Imperium of Games Workshop was the greatest power in the galaxy. Ah, how their screams would have resounded around the fortress!"
"Indeed, my lord." said Moot, backing away into the shadows.
Cheese was completely still. Reaching down beside his throne, he drew his ornate Blade of Flame. It was this blade that had made the feared warrior-woman Lunahound upset and caused the man known as Frazzled to launch an invasion with the Great Army of Ban, which had been driven off after a long week of being unable to communicate with his allies (his transmission screens had simply displayed the message 'Banned until 14/7/999.M41). It was a gift to him from the neighbouring planet of Warseer, a world that Cheese had once found to be repulsive in the extreme.
He examined the carvings on the hilt of the power sword, enchanted by their beauty. Then, quick as a flash, he plunged the blade into the WoWfan's chest. His mouth opened in a silent scream as blood bubbled from his throat, and he collapsed fowards as Cheese ripped the blade free.
"No sport at all," he spat. "Dakkaites are so much more pleasureable to kill."
His two Troll bodyguards stepped fowards and picked up the body, hauling it away to the lair of the beast.
The door to the throne room suddenly swung open, and a tall, armoured figure strode forth. The faces of trolls and images of flames were carved into his plate armour and the hilt of his sword. Stopping in front of the throne, he removed his helmet, and Cheese jumped in shock.
It was the mighty warrior Gwar, the mighty half-troll who had once been Cheese's comrade-in-arms before he was defeated in a duel by the Dakkaite Emperor Yakface, before being cast into a dark portal by the Arch-Artificier Legoburner's Blue Screen Generator.
Cheese quickly composed himself. "Gwar," he began, "it is good to see you after these many long years. I was beginning to think that you would never be able to reformat yourself successfully."
"Indeed, Brother Cheese." said Gwar. "I beheld many terrible things in that realm, and experienced great frustration. Legoburner certainly knows how to program a virus."
"Things have not been so good recently, Brother. More and more Dakkaites have taken up arms against me, and some have even started Ignoring me. Even my comrades from Australianus have turned on me, even the wise and calm Sebster and the bitter old Chromedog."
"That is unfortunate to hear, Cheese." replied Gwar. "But fear not, for during my time in the Realm of Blue Screen, I managed to rally a large army of banned Trolls and convinced the defeated Arch-Powergamer Green Blow Fly and the Tactical Genius Stelek to join us in our glorious crusade.
Cheese's face lit up. "Excellent, Gwar! With the four of us leading the Trolls, Flamebaiters, Neckbeards and Powergamers, nothing shall stop us! I can already feel the universe tremble at our approach! Even the Mods know our names!
The door to the chamber swung open again, and two figures stepped in. One wore a Watchmen T-Shirt and had the look of a Powergamer around him, and the other was tall and mysterious, clad in a long black hooded robe that obscured his face. Not an inch of skin showed, and his glowing eyes betrayed no love for fluff.
"Cheese, these men are Green Blow Fly" -he indicated the Powergamer- "and Stelek, the Tactical Genius." They will be our key to victory, for they have both had DCM status in the past and know all the secrets of the Dakka system."
"Excellent!" Cheese grinned broadly, a wide Troll-smile that showed all of his white teeth. "Prepare the fleets, for today, the Mods shall hear our voice! Not even the mighty Yakface shall ignore us! Frazzled's deck-chair will be shattered, Killkrazy shall experience the Blue Screen, Alpharius will have the special rules for his Legion taken away, and Waaagh of Gonads shall have his post count reset! None shall stop us! Together, we shall crush the weakling Dakka system, and turn it into a permanent outpost of 4chan! We already have a foothold on Off-Topic, and we are gaining ground on the Forge World of Articles!"
All around the fortress, the Troll bodyguards heard a rare sound; the harsh, insane laughter of Lord Cheese the Fallen.
shadowice558 wrote:meanwhile on the other side of the system a dark robed figure stood in silence infront of the computer screen, lost deep in thought after what he had just read.
on one level it was a masterful plan, but on another it seemed like an incredibly stupid idea to post all the details on a public forum, especially the verry forum that the plans involved. something just didn't sit right about the entire situation.
the robed figure switched off the computer screen and sat down in the dark, pondering what he had just read and looking for any possible alternatives.
hours later as the sun was rising footfalls could be heard down the hallway.
the dark figure stood with bow in hand and rushed to the door ready to face any threat that might have located him.
as the footfalls got louder he could soon hear the sound of someones heavy breathing, it sounded as if they had run halfway across the world.
suddenly the figure was upon him, the robed figure drew a bead on his target just as the man stopped and squeled.
"DONT SHOOT DUDE, IM ON UR TEAM!"
the figure looked at the mans face, thick of neck and with a mono-brow and half grown beard, then recognition came.
"nordadas, what are you doing here!"
"master... i-i came as quickly as i could, the outposts are gone, they are swarming us. they have the power of chuck norris we cant sto-"
"SILENCE! I TOLD YOU NEVER TO MENTION HIS NAME!"
"i-i'm sorry master, i didn't mean to..."
"shutup, what's happened."
"they've taken the outposts, they are too strong, there's to many of them, i was at the front when it started talking with some warriors and then the hounds started barking. we had no idea what it was but after the kennel master managed to silence them we heard it."
"heard what damn you!"
"it...it was a battle cry... at first we couldn't identify it, but then as it got closer it became clearer... it was the trolls. it was the dreaded 'OLOLOLOLOL'"
"...but HOW! we DESTROYED THEM YEARS AGO! that cry hasn't been heard here for years!"
"we don't know where they came from, but the warriors ordered the paraphets manned by mages and archers, but it was too late, before even a dozen bowmen were in place they were over the walls... they... THEY USED THERE OWN MEN TO BUILD A RAMP!"
"gak. where are they now! were there any survivors?"
"a few... not many, we got a bird from stone mountain, they had been taken, the castellan was the only man still alive, and only because he had burnt his own ladder sealing himself in the tower. we suspect that bird was the last thing he ever did. as for the others we found only ruins and corpses aplenty. ours and theres in equal number. there is barely a dozen of us, all warriors from my post."
the dark figure sat down again suddenly exausted. he could hardly comprehend what had just been told him. the trolls had returned, and with more men than ever seen before. he had to do something, but they had destroyed all the outposts in hours, it was unprecidented. he had only one course of action left. with the plans he had just seen and the attack he had just received word of there was no alternative.
"we leave now." he said snatching up his bow and spear.
"where are we going to go?" the pathetic wretch seemed to cower before him. it was pathetic, he might have killed him then but if they encountered the trolls every man was a distraction.
"gather your men, theres a ship waiting, you have 5minutes or the lot of you stay here."
the man scurryed off as fast as his legs could take him. meanwhile the robed man hurryed down to the yard when he heard it off in the distance. it was a high pitched whiny sound at first, completly un-intelligable... but it was aproaching at rapid speeds. then he could identify it. it was a warcry. the trolls had found them, the wretch and his men had been followed!
the wretch and his men were running towards the ship as he entered the yard at full speed, he jumped onto the wing and into the cockpit in 2 swift moves, and started the ship as he seen the first of them. he lifted off just as the first of them reached the ship and just made it out of there grasp. he heard a scream underneath him and spared a glance. the wretch was too slow, him and two of his warriors were being dragged under the tide... and beaten down. nevermind, he was useless anyway.
he threw back his hood and long dark hair reflected the moonlight like polished crystal. deep blue eyes so dark they seemed black in the dark gazed at the com screen in fornt of him. he knew what he had to do and fast. he opened a cumunication to the only one who would receive him 'welcomely'.
"WUT DA YEW WANT!" a gutteral voice growled through the speakers.
"the time has come my friend. i have decided to call in that favor you owe me."
"OOO DA 'ELL DA YA THINK TA ARE! GAZZGHULL THRAKA OWES NO MAN FAVA'S!"
as the com screen crackled into life he gazed into the ugly half mechanized face that was the orc warboss 'gazzghull thraka'. he enabled his own com-screen and the orc recoiled from the picture.
"why it's me old friend, the man who gave you all those nice powerclaws for your boyz, all them cybork bodies... remeber a little more now?"
"ARRGH, WUT U WANT, IT BETTA BE GOOD OTHA WIZE I SENDN DA BOYZ DOWN TA KRUMP YA!"
"i bring you war my good friend. the trolls are back. i don't know how but they are back, and they are stronger than ever. i don't know who done it but someone has broken the seal. the bastards are spilling out of there hole into our plane even as we speak... 4chan is opened, and it is here."
"WUT! OWDA ELL DID YA LET DAT APPEN YA STUPID UMIE... BOYZ...BOYZ!! SOUND DA HORNS, WE'Z GOT WARTA DO!"
"ahh, i knew you would see it that way. thank you. head to nagrand. it's where the last seal is kept. we MUST not let them break /b/ or all is lost."
as the comunication ended the man sighed. it had gone well, he had dreaded what would happen if his cybonic implants had stopped working. it had taken quite a lot of effort to remove half that orcs head, and even more to make sure the 'doc' chose the right parts to fix it. if he hadn't agree'd many lives would have been for naught. as he opened another com-link a larger fear gripped him. the people he was about to call were the greatest warriors in the universe. but this was a risk even they might not take.
"well hello there good chap, who might you be" a jolly sounding voice asked as the com screen crackled to life. before him a tall man sat with a cup of light brown liquid in his hands and a plate of crumpets before him.
"i'm a friend. and one in need of help. my name is not important now, not untill i know i can count on you."
"well then, that seems like an awfully queer reply, you may call me eldrad. now what could i do for you today old chap?"
"my planet has fallen. the outposts are gone, /tg/ is loose. we need help from all we can count on. the trolls are striking for the final seal. they will break /b/ before nightfall if you don't help us. please, i am but one man, and a few warriors, all wounded. i have called the warbosses to nagrand to defend it. but they are too far, you are the only ones who can help now."
"BLOODY HELL MAN! how did this happen. right o then. this is a grave situation. just let me get a look at you so i know who to speak to when we arrive."
eldrar grasped for something slightly off screen and raised a hand to his eye. as he lowered it there was a monacle covering it, a gasp escaped him.
"y-y-YOU!"
"yes. it's me. war has come and i intend to fight. we can talk more on nagrand. and maybe you can bring some of your nice young ladys with you. just tell them shadow ice is waiting."
as the com screen died before him and he entered orbit shadow glanced down onto the ruined planet beneath him, where once a barren planet had stood now there was nothing but flames. how the trolls managed to conjur flames from dirt he didn't know, but the message was clear. the final seal would be broken. and he had to stop it. as he programmed the nav system a curse escaped his lips.
"damn you cheese, and damn you twice gwar. may the others take you both. and pray that enough warriors will stand with us."
Here's my story:
Once there was a big green warboss with a big green dinosaur. Unfortunately his kustom shoota had broke, and he needed a new one. In search of a replacement, he came across the fortress of a wealthy Bad Moon warlord.
As the big green warboss rode up to the fortress on his big green dinosaur, the boy in charge of opening and closing the gate to the outer fortress wall had to stop him and talk to him. The boy in charge of opening and closing the gate to the outer fortress wall said "hey! You're a big green warboss with a big green dinosaur!" The big green warboss with a big green dinosaur replied "I'm not just a big green warboss with a big green dinosaur, I'm the big green warboss with a big green dinosaur!" The boy in charge of opening and closing the gate to the outer fortress wall said "You're the big green warboss with a big green dinosaur? Well then, come on in!" And so the boy in charge of opening and closing the gate to the outer fortress wall opened the gate to the outer fortress wall and let him through.
Later on the big green warboss with a big green dinosaur came across the grot who scurried around gathering ammo for the flash gits. The grot who scurried around gathering ammo for the flash gits said "hey! You're a big green warboss with a big green dinosaur!" The big green warboss with a big green dinosaur replied "I'm not just a big green warboss with a big green dinosaur, I'm the big green warboss with a big green dinosaur!" The grot who scurried around gathering ammo for the flash gits said "You're the big green warboss with a big green dinosaur? Well then have some ammo!" And so the grot who scurried around gathering ammo for the flash gits scurried around and gathered ammo for the big green warboss with a big green dinosaur.
Eventually the Bad Moon warlord looked from his huge throne of severed space marine heads and looked at the big green warboss with a big green dinosaur who had just come into his throne room. The Bad Moon warlord who sat on a throne of severed space marine heads said "hey! You're a big green warboss with a big green dinosaur!" The big green warboss with a big green dinosaur replied "I'm not just a big green warboss with a big green dinosaur, I'm the big green warboss with a big green dinosaur!" The Bad Moon warlord who sat on a throne of severed space marine heads said "You're the big green warboss with a big green dinosaur? Well what do you want?" The big green warboss with a big green dinosaur replied "I want you to get me a new kustom shoota. My old one broke." The Bad Moon warlord who sat on a throne of severed space marine heads said "in that case I have three tasks for you. First, I need you to solve the panzee riddle that's stopping me from looting their stuff. Second, I need you to slay the squiggoth of the Gorkridge Mountains. Third, you need to swim across a lake of lava." The big green warboss with a big green dinosaur agreed to the Bad Moon warlord who sat on a throne of severed space marine heads' terms, and set off to solve the eldar riddle.
When the big green warboss with a big green dinosaur came up to the eldar spirit stones that guarded their now abandoned city, they spoke to the big green warboss with a big green dinosaur through his mind. The eldar spirit stones that guarded their now abandoned city said "hey! You're a big green warboss with a big green dinosaur!" The big green warboss with a big green dinosaur replied "I'm not just a big green warboss with a big green dinosaur, I'm the big green warboss with a big green dinosaur!" The eldar spirit stones that guarded their now abandoned city said "You're the big green warboss with a big green dinosaur? Well here's a riddle for you: how many decks of cards does a dead harlequin play with?" The big green warboss with a big green dinosaur answered the eldar spirit stones that guarded their now abandoned city's riddle, and he looted the stuff from their now abandoned city.
Next, the big green warboss with a big green dinosaur came across the Gorkridge Mountains, to slay the rampaging squiggoth that lived in the Gorkridge Mountains. Soon the rampaging squiggoth that lived in the Gorkridge Mountains came up to the big green warboss with a big green dinosaur. The rampaging squiggoth that lived in the Gorkridge Mountains said "hey! You're a big green dinosaur with a big green warboss!" The big green dinosaur with a big green warboss replied "I'm not just a big green dinosaur with a big green warboss, I'm the big green dinosaur with a big green warboss!" The rampaging squiggoth that lived in the Gorkridge Mountains said "You're the big green dinosaur with a big green warboss? Well in that case let's fight!" The big green dinosaur with a big green warboss fought the rampaging squiggoth that lived in the Gorkridge Mountains, and eventually the big green dinosaur with a big green warboss broke the squiggoth that lived in the Gorkridge Mountains' neck.
Finally, the big green warboss with a big green dinosaur came to the lake of lava that seeped up through the planet's thin crust from the planet's molten core. The lava that seeped up through the planet's thin crust from the planet's molten core didn't say anything, because it was just a lake of lava that seeped up through the planet's thin crust from the planet's molten core. The big green warboss with a big green dinosaur said "I'm the big green warboss with a big green dinosaur! I'm not scared of a lake of lava that seeped up through the planet's thin crust from the planet's molten core!" The lava that seeped up through the planet's thin crust from the planet's molten core didn't say anything, because it was just a lake of lava that seeped up through the planet's thin crust from the planet's molten core. The big green warboss with a big green dinosaur swam and swam, ignoring the blistering heat that came from the lake of lava that seeped up through the planet's thin crust from the planet's molten core, until he finally reached the other side.
The Bad Moon warlord looked from his huge throne of severed space marine heads when the big green warboss with a big green dinosaur came back from having solved the eldar riddle of the eldar spirit stones that guarded their now abandoned city, slain the rampaging squiggoth that lived in the Gorkridge Mountains, and swam across the lake of lava that seeped up through the planet's thin crust from the planet's molten core. The Bad Moon warlord who sat on a throne of severed space marine heads said "You're the big green warboss with a big green dinosaur. Well what do you want?" The big green warboss with a big green dinosaur replied "I want you to get me a new kustom shoota. I'm the big green warboss with a big green dinosaur." The Bad Moon warlord who sat on a throne of severed space marine heads said "First, did you to solve the panzee riddle that's stopping me from looting their stuff?" The big green warboss with a big green dinosaur replied "I solved the eldar riddle of the eldar spirit stones that guarded their now abandoned city." Next, the Bad Moon warlord who sat on a throne of severed space marine heads said "Second, did you slay the squiggoth of the Gorkridge Mountains?" The big green warboss with a big green dinosaur replied "I've slain the rampaging squiggoth that lived in the Gorkridge Mountains." Finally, the Bad Moon warlord who sat on a throne of severed space marine heads said "Third, did you swim across a lake of lava?" The big green warboss with a big green dinosaur replied "I swam across the lake of lava that seeped up through the planet's thin crust from the planet's molten core. So can I have my kustom shoota?" The big green warboss with a big green dinosaur looked at the Bad Moon warlord who sat on a throne of severed space marine heads, and the Bad Moon warlord who sat on a throne of severed space marine heads said "Sure."
During the bit with the squiggoth, it switched from the big green warboss with a big green dinosaur to the big green dinosaur with a big green warboss.
On a side note, The Third Saint of Turtle Pie offers his services to lord Cheese. I can lift the moral of your warriors, Lord, and can add my mass of fanatical zealots to your ranks.
Excellent twist on the story of the Blhak and Hwhyte Spehzz Mehreen on a Blahk and Hwhyte BHIKE! I have never experienced so pointless a read since I read the story of the Blhak and Hwhyte Spehzz Mehreen on a Black and Hwhyte BHIKE! many months ago.
I'm pretty sure that it was either Paul Sawyer or Pete Haines that was victimized by that joke a few years ago at a Gamesday, and not too long after left the company.
MasticatorDeelux wrote:Your have been tithed to the Imperial Guard.
Roll a D100
1 You are killed as a Heretic.
2-3 You are found to be a Psyker and sent to a Black Ship.
4-5 You given a bucket and a shovel and told to clean up after the Ogryn.
6-10 You are to be trained as an Officer.
11-15 You are handed a Lasgun, a Helmet, and a direction (forward) and become a conscript.
16-20 You are trained to operate a Vox Castor.
21-25 You are train as Sniper and given a Camo-Cloak.
26-30 You are trained with Special Weapons. Post Ending 0-2 (Flamer) 3-5 (Grenade Launcher) 6-7 (Meltagun) 8-9 (Plasma Gun)
31-35 You are trained with Heavy Weapons. Post End 0-1 (Heavy Flamer) 2-3 (Mortar) 4-5 (Heavy Bolter) 6-7 (Auto-Cannon) 8 (Missile Launcher) 9 (Lascannon)
36-55 You are trained with a Lasgun and Frag Grenades, and given Flak Armor.
56-60 You are given Carapace Armor, a Shotgun, Grenades, and Melta-Bombs and then trained to be an elite grenadier.
61-65 Valkyrie Pilot
66-70 Chimera Diver
71-75 Scout Sentinel Driver
76-80 Armored Sentinel Driver
81-85 Leman Russ Tank Driver
86-90 Leman Russ Tank Gunner
91-95 Leman Russ Tank Commander
96-97 You have been selected to go to Terrax and train to be a Commissar.
98-99 An Inquisitor take you as his Acolyte.
100 An Inquisitor has decided to send you to a Shrine World to become a "comfort" to the SoB.
I rolled an 84. The second time, I rolled an 81. I must REALLY want to be a Leman Russ driver.
I gave it a whirl. 96 and 99. I'm a commissar working for the Inquisition... does that make me Ciaphas Cain?
YAY first post! Love this thread so much i had to start here. I rolled a 1!! Died a heretic
Come on we are all mature people and yes i must say 4chan can be funny but at the same time it so revolting it turns my digestive systems and gives me horrible Diarrhea whenever it is seen. So please be a gent and QUIT 4CHANING it is a evil thing! Now then lets return
The ceiling shuddered in the throne room, dust sifting down to the floor with each mighty crash against the doors.
Emperors Faithful left his men to brace the gates, it was a vain effort he knew, only a matter of time before the army of Trollz broke in. He aproached the hooded figure at the foot of the throne.
"M'Lord Frazzled, we have failed you. YMTC keep has fallen, only Backround Hive remains."
The figure remained silent.
"M'Lord...What are we to do now? Is all lost?" asked EF.
The figure stirred. "All is not lost, faithful servant. We are divide, shattered, but I can gather our forces. Manchu of the Drunk-Wolf-People, the loyal Donald Trump dog, the kind and caring Moonhound (Luna) and many others who cannot abide the troll, the threadnecro or the heretic. We can make a stand against this evil....But I'll need time."
EF stood still, the realization of what was being asked of him sinking in. "We shall buy you that time, M'lord. Take the west gate, we still have some friends in the Off Topic region, perhaps you should start there?"
"The Emprah shall take note of your sacrifice EF, and you're ridiculously funny signatures." Said Frazzled, clasping his hand on EF's shoulder.
"Really?" replied EF "No else seems to notice..."
"We all notice EF, and loled much in private. Farewell EF, and may the mods be with you." And with that Frazzled took off down one of the hidden corridors.
"No Frazzled, may the mods be with you." Whispered EF.
EF rallied the troops in the throne room, this was to be thier last stand.
"No matter what comes through that gate you WILL stand your ground!" Shouted EF.
With an almighty crash, the gates broke. The slavering army of trolls and RAW spawns rushed into the room, eager to kill, maim and slaughter. Despite thier savagrey, they could not stand before the righteous fury of EF. Despite thier numbers, despite thier fangs and stinging remarks, EF sensed that victory was near.
...But the power of the Troll Lord... could not be broken.
His men defeated, slain outright by the trolliness of Gwar! and the cheesyness of Cheese, EF sagged to his knees. His last living memory was the sight of the horde of trolls decending upon him, and the laughter of the thirsting gods...
...But all was not lost, for even now the forces of good gather. They are readying thier armies, steeling themselves for the inevitable end times, the prophesised NERDAGEDDON.
Ive not been mentioned in any story Corpsey is sad
Yet due to my sadness i am angry with the dakkadakka establishment and thus pledge my necromancy loving self and all my undead orky minions to the cause of Lord cheese and Gwar!
LONG LIVE GWAR! THE MISSING PRIMARCH!
EDIT: is it just me or is this whole "troll horde versus the palladins of dakka" thing actually a rather awesome concept
but... I'M the orcs... not cheese. he's the trolls.
later tonight (read: in about 10 hours when i cant sleep again) i'll write more.
any brave men willing to enlist themselves to my cause speak now or be left out of the epicness.
actually it just brings out the former writer in me :(
(i wrote 900 pages of a book before my HDD fried itself beyond recovery, havn't wrote anything more than this since then)
What the hell I'll post something now... I'll continue with more later, maybe.
The planet's surface was broken and tainted, burnt out forests and ruined city scapes dotted the horizon as far as the eye could see. Bodies and burning wrecks littered the area, where Lord Commissar General Frazzled's proud forces once stood in defiance of the hordes of Arc Heretic Cheese Elemental. "Is this what we left this world too?" crackled a hoarse voice through a helmet vox.
"So it would seem Lord Alpharius," replied GoFenris, sweeping his boltgun around in search of any threat. "But fear not, I hear tale that other MODs have made contact with the Lord Commissar, and that they have chosen to dispatch more of my brother Astartes of Dakka Contributus in attempt to aid the beleaguered forces there."
"It matters not GoFenris, the Heretic has managed even to gain hold on beloved Chapter." said the Giant in blue green power armour as he lifted what had formerly been a helmet in the service of the OT Guard Forces, he gazed at momentarily before casting it back to the ground. "What of the Church of the Turtle Pie?"
"You know what's become of them Brother." responded a voice from behind, Alpahrius turned to see his Brother Moderator Iorek stepping from a recently arrived Land Raider along with an escort of Astartes, who along with GoFenris' marines had begun to cleanse the field. "Ever since our wise and powerful Lord Yakface ordered their disbanding they have been a broken group, several of which have fallen under the sway of the Heretic."
"Our Lord was wise to disbanned them, their ways were to similar to the Arch Heretic for their own good. But this, this is a conversation for another time Brother Iorek, tell me why have you come here?" inquired, his arms raised in question.
"Frazzled's forces are once again under attack my friend, and the Troll Gwar! leads Cheese's forces." Alparius' eyes narrowed at the mention of the Troll King, had his banishment truly ended so soon, no it couldn't be possible. Iorek smiled sadly as he noticed the question in his old friend's eyes. "I'm afraid its true Brother, I've dispatched Malfred and two teams of Astartes to help hold him off."
Alpharius shook his head sadly and motioned to GoFenris to recall his Brothers, they would be needed to help with the siege, with any luck they wouldn't be too late. He shot one last glance at his brother, "I truly hope they are enough my friend."
"As do I..." responded Iorek as he watched his fellow mod and his marines board the Thunder Hawk. The craft lurched to life and lifted off into the bleak ash filled sky's of OT heading for the last remaining Dakka stronghold.
It had been many a years ago,Deff had once been a happy farmer.His wife Sophia and his children were his life.He had liked working with his hands.Toiling upon the fields in the hot sun had filled him with delight.He was but a simple farm lad with a beautiful wife and three healthy children,he had been happy.Until that terrible day,the first war of the trolls had begun on his home planet.This tiny farm world would now be host to death.Sending in their allie Arch lichlord Corpsesarefun,the man and his infernal horde of marching death had come.He was a mad man,ripping the planet apart in war as he had ordered his grand ship,"The spirit of Damnation"to rain death upon all.It's bombardments had killed Deff's family as they attempted escape to the back lines as Deff had held the front line with the rest of the men.The planet was held and finally the first war of the trolls had ended with their defeat at the battle of ban.The Mod lords of Terra had cast the darklord's back to the depths of the internet.It had been peaceful for a time but Deff could not shake the feeling that something,something greater more and more evil was coming.He had since inlisted in the guard,rising through the ranks he now commanded a regiment of the galaxies finest men.As the second war of the trolls begun,he was sent to the far reaching system of Nerdia.The populace helpless as the horde of trolls advanced.This is the tale of the events that unfoldeded upon the planet of Nerdia V.....
"Ready the gun batteries men!"Commanded Deff.The men hurried around him as he stood with his cloak flapping in the breeze,his ornate and gold armour polished as always.The trolls were coming and he would be damned if he would let the hive of WHFB discussion fall to the them."Batteries readied sir."Barked the officer in charge of the defence batteries."Good,we will need them."Said Deff.His men had dug in deep,within the town square as all the other sectors of the hive had already been taken by the trolls in thier sweeping advance.Luckily the populace had been evacuated a month before.It was a proper battle now,no innocent men or women would die.He knew that they had sent Corpses,the man had survived the great ban by hiding in the deepest corners of Dakka.He had sworn many a year ago that he would have his vengence."Ok men prepare to make final checks,we need all alert.When they come give em hell boys!!"Shouted Deff loudly.
Meanwhile in sector 11 Corpsesarefun readied for his attack...
"Bring all across the portal!"He yelled.
"Yes Master."Said his conven of necromancer.
The men chanted and the large portals brought down from his ship sprang into life.The dead poured through,this would be a battle of attrition.
The horde shambled foward but these were no mere zombies.They were the madmans pride and joy,his lifes crowning work.The Zorks were marching to war.Augmented and part ork,part zombie and part machine the beasts were deadly.
"We are reaching power capacity master the gates cannot handle any more for now."Spoke the coven in unison.
"That will be all for now,my entire horde is almost gathered.We must not let our Troll masters down."Said Corpsesarefun.
And so the shambling horde advanced all sectors were almost full up with trolls and the living dead.They would take this hive,no matter the cost.Lord Gwar demanded it.
Nerida,town square,five hours into the attack....
"Hold fast brave men of the imperium,we must beat back these beasts!"Yelled Deff.
The causalties inflicted upon the Zorks and trolls had been heavy.Yet Deff's own men had paid a heavy toll if life and limb aswell.He could not hold the incoming horde,the defense batteries had stopped working long ago,over heating or running out of ammunition.The horde advanced still inwards.Deff was not looking at the horde,he wanted vengence he was looking for Corpses.Peering across the square he saw yet more zombies he had a back up plan in place,but this meant his death.They could not hold the horde anymore,and if he they could not hold the planet anymore it would be better to destroy it then to let the trolls have it.
Rushing to the Vox caster set on a table he frantically pushed and proded the dials and buttons trying to get hold of a ship.
"Hello this is the Pirax flame command bridge,why have you hailed this line?"Questioned a voice.
"I am commander Deff of the 310th Dakka guns,I must call exterminatus."Said Deff.
"You have no authority to give us such an order."Barked the voice.
"The planet,it is over run with trolls we need the bombardment and we need it now!!!"Yelled Deff.
"Good emperors hairy balls,trolls I thought we had seen the last of them!"Spat the voice.
"Yes,I thought so to now can you send the bombardment?"Questioned Deff.
"Sir I am sorry we have no clearance,you and your boys are on your own.May the Mods be with you."Said the voice and with that a click came.Deff and his men were alone holding off an alien menace.
10 hours into the battle...
Corpsesare fun walked among the shattered remains of the once great imperial square the battle had been a hard one.The men of the Imperium holding fast for longer then expected of them.
"Master this one still breaths"Said one of his coven.
Walking over Corpses saw the shattered remains of a barely alive Imperial commander.His dog tag read simply "Deff."
"Bring him up to ship,Master Gwar will be most pleased to have an Imperial official to torture for information."
"Yes sir."Said his coven.
(Hope my little add-on to the story was ok.Please forgive any spelling mistake made that I did not correct.)
"Press the attack!" roared Lord Cheese the Fallen, leaping over the ruins of the wall in his path. Dozens of his Chaos-worshipping servants rushed into the fray beyond, tearing into the Dakkaites with a berserk fury. At the centre of the action, a trio of lone DCMs, their names forgotten, fought bravely, cutting down the Traitor Marines who broke through the ranks of the Astartes. Their power swords crackled and flashed as they clove effortlessly through power armour, sending the traitors toppling to the cold rockcrete floor.
A loud boom echoed around the chamber as the shells of the renegade Basilisks blasted another hole in the bastion, allowing Gwar and a large group of his trolls to surge into the breach, where they started hacking apart the unfortunate Scout Marines who had been assigned meatshield duty.
The initial wave of Cultists had been worn away by the steadfast defences of the Astartes, and Cheese was about to signal the retreat. But then, a loud rumbling filled the air, and a crushing wave of zealots of the Turtle Pie swarmed around Cheese and smashed into the Dakkaitus Marines, bringing many of them down through superior numbers. Urging them on was the fanatical prophet Mekboy, screaming blasphemous litanies to his dark god.
Cheese raised his face to the heavens and laughed maniacally, then ran fowards into the battle. "YES! Kill them ALL!" he roared, swinging the Blade of Flaming in wide arcs that gutted Marines and sent waves of nerdrage pulsing through the zealots, driving their fluff-fanaticism to insane levels. More of the Astartes fell, crushed beneath the feet of the zealots or wounded through the gaps in their armour.
"Brothers!" yelled a DCM-sergeant. "Initiate a tactical withdrawal!"
The remaining Space Marines hurried to obey, falling back into their Land Raider Crusader, Blade of Yakface, all the while firing deadly bursts of bolter fire into the seething mass of zealots and traitors. But Cheese would not be denied a taste of glory. He rushed fowards, smashing aside the men who stood in his way, and charged into one of the DCMs. The Marine stumbled to the ground before clambering back to his feet in a flash, his thunderhammer at the ready.
Cheese and the DCM slowly paced in a circle, not taking their eyes off each other even as the Land Raider's ramp closed shut and it backed away through the rubble. The zealots cheered and screamed their victory to the skies, awaiting the sight of blood in the imminent duel.
Quick as a flash, Cheese leapt fowards with a roar of fury, swinging the Blade of Flaming in a downwards arc that would have cloven the DCM in two were it not for his thunderhammer intercepting the blow. He swung in return, the powerful weapon glancing Cheese's pauldron and sending him spinning to the ground. As he advanced fowards to try and smash Cheese while he was down, the Fallen One rolled aside, dodging the thunderhammer and sweeping his blade through the air. The DCM screamed and fell to his knees, his right arm lying convulsing on the ground, the hammer's crackling head sparking and trembling as its internal workings struggled to hold together after the hard landing.
Cheese got to his feet. Glaring down at the DCM with contempt, he spat on his faceplate.
"Is this truly the best you can muster, Yakface? Is this truly one of the great DCMs? Pathetic!"
As he finished talking, he swung his blade in a deadly horizontal slash that removed the Marine's head. It clattered to the ground, the lifeblood draining from the neck. Cheese held it aloft, and signalled to his followers to march forth! If this was the best Yakface had, then nobody could stop them!
As Gwar's trolls followed the zealots out of the breach in the ruins, a loud roaring filled the air as a trio of Thunderhawks soared overhead, disgorging dozens of Marines wearing jump-packs, their chainswords growling with righteous fury as they crashed into Cheese's surprised troops. Leading them was a tall Astartes wearing blue and green armour, his blade cutting down traitors and zealots like wheat.
"So," muttered Cheese. "The mighty Alpharius has taken to the field. Very well then, Moderator. Let us see if you are as weak as your foolish predecessor."
Cheese raised his blade and plasma pistol, roaring a challenge to the Moderator and rushing fowards into the thunderous melee.
Shells rained down upon them, men of the Dakkaite 1337th Imperial Guard dove for cover as the first rounds impacted near their positions blowing some of those unlucky enough to be in the open to pieces. There he stood though, the venerable Commissar standing defiantly on the wreck of a Leman Russ, shotgun in one hand and Planetary Flag in the other. Quietly he stood there as death rained down all around, men and women who previously cowered in the bottom of hastily dug fox holes prepped themselves for the coming storm. As the artillery fire began to die down the troopers began to hear the thunderous marching of the Trolls, Orks and tainted men approaching, the Commissar just smiled as he clicked on his vox bead, "Artillery open fire." he breathed, his voice barely above a whisper.
His order was answered with the thunderous fire of Dakkaite Arty, his smile grew into a much larger grin as the shells slammed into the enemy lines blowing their poorly formed formations to bits. He charged forward, flag and shotgun still in hand to some sandbags at the front and struck a dramatic pose inspiring his soldiers with his calm presence.
"Enemy inside perimeter" crackled his vox, still his smile did not fade, this was expected. "Take them down Marines."
"Affirmative, Emperor protect you Commissar." responded the Marine.
"And you." he replied, looking around him at all the Guardsmen who were beginning to take aim. The enemy would be upon them soon, they wanted to be ready.
---
Inside Hive OT
The light reflected dimly off the Drab Green and Black power armour of the DCM Marines and they stalked their prey through the under belly of the hive. Brother Captain Malfred, commander of the Killteam, cursed under his breath as he tracked the lead Troll with his boltgun. "Brothers Jin, and Grizgrin are you in position?"
"Affirmative Captain." they responded. Good, thought Malf, the heavy bolter would prove invaluable from the position they had marked earlier. He looked to his right and left, next to him stood Brothers Combatmedic and Whitedragoon, their Combi-Plasma Guns ready, he nodded and the two crept closer to the ledge bringing their weapons up to a firing position. Malf had one last group to check in on, he looked down at a pool of sewage near the rear, were Brothers GMMStudios and Stynier lay in wait. "Brothers, in position?"
"Affirmative." the two responded in tandem. Malf smiled, of course it was hidden as the Dakka Marines had enough sense to wear their helmets, everything was ready the trolls had entered their trap.
"Strike Brothers." he commanded. Grizgrin was the first to fire, his heavy bolter coughing loudly in the small passage way raining death upon those bellow. Jin stood firing next to him, his hellfire bolts igniting the foul creatures and causing them to scream in pain. Mean while Studios and Stynier emerged from the sludge, Studios unleashing a stream of promethium at the foe, while Stynier put a burst of fire from his Combi-Melta into the closest target. Malf, Medic and Whitedragoon stood from their cover and added their bolter fire to the fray. The fire fight was short lived, the ambush succesfull, but something didn't sit well with the Marines as they gathered. The sound of claws on metal shrieked through the air and as one the killteam turned to face its source, another Troll party had emerged lead by one of Gwars! chosen. The creature let loose a foul howl and charged.
---
On the surface the enemy had finally gotten, close, too close for artillery and mortars to be effective. The Commissar continued to stand on the sandbags, though now barking out orders for squads to open fire. Enemies dropped like flies as they got closer and closer, he knew soon they would be in charge range. Looking at his shotgun, he forcefully shoved the flag pole into the earth and readied his weapon, at the same time barking orders for the troopers to fix bayonets.
The Troll rally master suddenly howled and motioned forward with the swipe of a claw the horde began its charge.
"MEN AND WOMEN OF DAKKA!" bellowed the Commissar, "STAND YOUR GROUND, FOR THIS IS OUR LAND AND WE SHALL NOT GIVE IN TO THE LIKES OF THESE FOUL CREATURES!"
A round him troopers yelled in response, yelled in the face of certain death firing their weapons as the enemy charged. They were close now, close enough to engage with blade and stock. The Commissar grinned a wide, horrifying grin, one that would have startled Gwar! himself and lept off of the sandbags towards the rally master, as he fired the weapon into the creature's head he yelled,
I'm just glad that most of them Paint me in such a Flattering Light
BTW, since only awesome people come to this thread: What would you think if I Made a Skype Account people could ring for Rules Questions, as well as letting people PM Me?
For all those interested in the Second Troll Wars saga her on 40k humour ive pm'd the writers, Gwar and frazzled about it and will either set up a new thread for them in 40kgen or dakka fiction keep your eyes peeled for the new thread for the next few hours
EDIT: righty ho guys, frazz said dakka fiction look for the Dakka Dakka: The Troll Wars Saga on there
On the Forge World of Pian Demblogs, the adepts were restless. Rumours of swiftly approaching war had reached their ears, and preparations for battle were being made. The forges pumped out ceaseless streams of guns, tanks and ammunition. And in the highest towers of the central forge complex, the priests of the Omnissiah awaited further news.
The menial, who the holy techpriests had blessed by replacing his legs with a unicycle, wheeled respectfully into the chamber where the rulers of Pian Demblogs sat deep in thought. A dozen pairs of mechanical eyes looked up at him, glinting in the low light. "My Lords," he began, "another astropathic message has come through from Pian Dem!" "Recite it, menial," instructed the closest techpriest. The menial's built-in recording system whirred into life, and a strange, distorted voice filled the room. "hay you guys, were getting pwnt! HALP PLZ KTHX" The techpriests were silent for a moment. Finally, one spoke up. "Then it is time. Send in the legion."
Princeps Dreadnote had been waiting for the call all day, and when it finally came, he wasted no time. Hurrying to the Titan hangar, he raced to his machine, the route ingrained deep in his memory. Settling into the command throne and engaging the mind-link, he was filled once again with that familiar feeling - power, and contempt for the scurrying creatures below. He clenched his fists, flexing the ancient steel of his machine. "Modarati, are we ready?" "All systems green, princeps. Megabolter loaded, reactor online." "Then take us out".
The Reaver Titan strode towards the waiting transport ship, powerfists clenched in anticipation of battle. The Face Puncher marched to war.
the lone grand master peered down through the haze and looked upon ruin. everywhere he looked there was war, he was too late. he had spent too much time with the angry marines and it had cost him.
the eldar were nowhere to be seen and the orks had turned sides to stand by the foul wretched creatures known as trolls and fanatics. he had no choice, yakface's position had been overwhelmed and the assault marine reserves deployed to buy time untill he arrived.
he just hoped what he brought could be enough to hold the swarm of foul beings overwhelming his brothers.
as his ships descended the trolls got into close combat with the main guard line, that's when shadow ice realised he had to get there faster.
"PROTOCOL 7113. NOW!"
all around him the ship burst into action as missiles were readyed. the servitors only just now finishing the heart warming messages painted on there tips.
"with love, from your mother."
marines poured out from there quarters. further down the corridor he could make out the shadow of a fallen brother, imprisoned in a dreadnaught to fight again.
it all came down to this, our time was now, if we failed then the end is upon us.
"missiles armed captain douche...SIR!" a lone scout called to him.
"FIRE! NOW!" shadow screamed as he jumped ontop of a missile. in the blink of an eye he was falling, then the thrusters kicked in, all around him thousands of marines voices rose in unison.
"ALWAYS ANGRY! ALL THE TIME!"
moments before they made landfall in the center of the troll horde shadow glanced sidelong at commisar fuklaw. he held a particular affection for that angry old man, he was almost like a father to him.
as one the marines lept from there explosive one use transports and a wave of heat swept over them.
they had gone off course and landed closer to the front than they had intended and were completly surrounded by hostiles.
shadow lead the warcry this time with the marines taking it up in short order. a deafening shout went up from everyone.
"FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-"
the marines unleashed a hellish storm of bolter fire in a ring as fuklaw cried out "FORM A DEFENSIVE RING BROTHERS!" all around them death rained. shadow took aim and unleashed a half dozen shots into a trolls face, he was taller than the others, most likely one of Gwar!s chosen.
"BROTHERS! CARVE A HOLE THROUGH THESE FOOLS WE MUST REACH OUR ASSAULT BROTHERS BEFORE IT IS TOO LATE!" a voice cried out.
as they slowly started to move through the mass of trolls shadow heard the hideous sound of metal tearing ahead of him, as he glanced up he seen a dreadnaught rising from the ground, bright golden paint shining, shadow let out a low laugh as the dreadnaught grabbed a troll and started using it as a club. muttering to itself how he had finally found a use for them.
the fighting soon got too close to them and they abandoned there bolters and drew there melee weapons. all around him brother took up clubs wrapped in barbed wire, bricks and peices of wood with nails through them.shadow ripped a trolls arm off and started using it as a weapon for lack of a better choice.
the fighting lasted for what seemed like hours as thousands of trolls and hundreds of brothers died. shadow started the fight with a severed arm and left with someones intestines tied to the end of a pole, using it as a whip. shadow dimly remembered slaying a troll brandishing yakface's head as a weapon, but it was not the time to mourn the dead.
soon he was seperated, surrounded by trolls when a gutteral voice screamed something intelligable. then he was upon him, claws swiping for shadows face.
"GWAR!" shadow gasped.
halonachos wrote:Almost as amusing as the black and white space marine on the black and white bike who rode up black and white space corridors attached to black and white industrial walkways made by black and white Litko Aerosystems.
If the 40k jet is real then screw the emperor and all the chaos gods and obama and osama and the queen of England
this random guy is my new god. Just think about it KAPOWEE! THERE GOES THE TERRORIST!
Its a movie that has Sam Neil, the guy that played Doctor Grant in it. It also has the guy that plays Morphius in it.
Sam Neil is a Doctor, Morphius a rescue ship captain.
They, along with some other people, go to investigate a ship that vanished then reappeared after testing the first Warp Drive. The Warp Drive took them to hell.
BrotherStynier wrote:Its a movie that has Sam Neil, the guy that played Doctor Grant in it. It also has the guy that plays Morphius in it.
Sam Neil is a Doctor, Morphius a rescue ship captain.
They, along with some other people, go to investigate a ship that vanished then reappeared after testing the first Warp Drive. The Warp Drive took them to hell.
But in my theory, the ship entered the Eye of Terror, and it possessed the ship and turned it into hell.
Laurence Fishburne (Morphius) is the first hero of the Imperium.
By the god emperor....... i've only been gone for 5 min and this is what happened?
Right... i'm calling my homies
*speed dials*
*On the phone*
Hello? Yes.. this is superscope..... no... i know i still owe you money....yes i'm getting that now... look..i got work for you.....what you mean your on strike? Oh come on!............... What you mean you want a pay rise?..........look, do this and then we will have a chat about this, yes?.......yes?..........Thank you...now, you heard about dakkadakka?.......yes..the home of fourm trolls....... yes?....awesome...thank you..........huh? oh sweet.... thanks for that... i know why they call you grey knights now.. thanks..bye!
*hangs up*
Right. Anyone want to stick around for the purging to begin?
See, that is because we don't expect people to read a thread that has been going for well over a year. Forewarning to all newbs, WE SIMPLY REPEAT 5 PAGES OF THE THREAD.
Whitesnake wrote:I should have known better
Than to let him go alone
It's times like these
I can't make it on my own
Wasted days, and sleepless nights
An' I can't wait to see him again
I find I spend my time
Waiting on his call
How can I tell him, boss
My back's against the wall
I need him by my side
To tell me it's alright
Cos I don't think I can take anymore
Is this Kharn that I'm feeling
Is this the Kharn that I've been searching for
Is this Kharn or am I dreaming
This must be Kharn
Cos he's really go a hold on me
A hold on me
I can't stop the feeling
I've been this way before
But, with him I've found the key
To open any door
I can feel my love for him
Growing stronger day by day
An' I can't wait too see him again
So I can hold him in my arms
Is this Kharn that I'm feeling
Is this the Kharn that I've been searching for
Is this Kharn or am I dreaming
This must be Kharn
Cos he's really go a hold on me
A hold on me
Is this Kharn that I'm feeling
Is this the Kharn that I've been searching for
shadowice558 wrote:but... I'M the orcs... not cheese. he's the trolls.
later tonight (read: in about 10 hours when i cant sleep again) i'll write more.
any brave men willing to enlist themselves to my cause speak now or be left out of the epicness.
I my efforts to upset an prove that Gwar (curse him) can and is wrong I pleg the 25th Iron warriors grand company to you cause.
In addition with the church of the turtle pie has allied with the cheese, I have all the more reason to oppose and deistroy.
I once found a bane blade in my pants.......... dont ask, but seeming where all showering in lolz i gots a rly rly crap joke, hope you think its rly crpy
KNOX NOK
WHUS THERE
SPACE
space who?.......
SPACE MAREENS HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA GONA BOMBARD YOUR HOUSE AND DROP POD IT WOOOOH
'slaught, psycho, and some use narthicum as an over the counter/percription alternative some others, but I cant remember them, I would check out that hyped up penal ex-commissar in "duty calls" and the old slavar background
Gwar! wrote:That's the joke (and pretty tame for 4chan)
That's it? Then I had it right BEFORE I spotted the fleur-de-lis. (The tameness and the fact it was from 4chan made me think there had to be something more, then I saw the symbol but it seemed like the same joke, and it is :( )
Doomrider is the leader of the 40K biker gangs I think, he battles with the rival eldar gangs who use jetbikes
High Marshell Helbrecht stepped from his drop pod, incense servitors surrounding him with the sweet manly musk of battle.
"Ah Brother Asmodi, for too long ve haff been apart!"
"Yes Brother Helbrecht, why I have not seen you since that night on Antiphon VI, when you penetrated the rear!"
"Ah yes! What I night that vas! Ve vere shoulder to shoulder, back to back, arm in arm, as true battle brothers! Often I haf told my scouts emulate your example! But none have measured up!"
"I too have missed your strong arm! Tell me, does your plasma pistol still throb with its hot, white fluid!"
"Aye it does, it longs to ejaculate its load. And see that even in its mighty sheath your long hard sword pulses with power, eager for release!"
"True, true, now let us retire to my tent to oil our weapons, gird our loins and plot angles of attack!"
"But vot off the battle brothers?"
"They shall forge anew the bonds of battle brotherhood though the ancient and time-honoured ritual of naked water polo!"
"Very vell!"
At last, our praises have been heard! GW is making Space Corridors, but they dont call it that way, cause the copyright goes to Litko Aerosystems. Shame... Anyway GW is working already with some industrial tower stuff (they will be in planetstrike maybe...).
So my mother had recently gotten a new little terrier-type annoying little puppy. I hate it, knowing that my dog could poop out turds as big as that thing.
So, after school one day as I was leaving my class I yell out "Nurgle! Smite that damn dog into the warp!"
My girlfriend looks at me and tells me to settle down about going to warhammer league tonight so I calm down and go home.
I get home, no one is there. Oh well. I grab my stuff and leave to play some WARHAMMER!
On my way to the shop to play with my new Nurgle tally list, I get a phone call from mom.
"My little doggy has gotten so sick we had to take her to the hospital! The doctor has no idea what is wrong! Please pray for her."
Nenya97 wrote:So my mother had recently gotten a new little terrier-type annoying little puppy. I hate it, knowing that my dog could poop out turds as big as that thing.
So, after school one day as I was leaving my class I yell out "Nurgle! Smite that damn dog into the warp!"
My girlfriend looks at me and tells me to settle down about going to warhammer league tonight so I calm down and go home.
I get home, no one is there. Oh well. I grab my stuff and leave to play some WARHAMMER!
On my way to the shop to play with my new Nurgle tally list, I get a phone call from mom.
"My little doggy has gotten so sick we had to take her to the hospital! The doctor has no idea what is wrong! Please pray for her."
Once upon a battlefield dreary, where I cowered, spent and bleary,
Within an Imperial bunker, darkly stained with dust and gore -
As I cowered, nearly shuttering, suddenly there came a sputtering
As some weapon quickly stuttering - firing at my bunker door.
"`Tis some bolter", I murmured, "firing at my bunker door -
Only this and nothing more."
Ah, distinctly I remember, it was in the bleak December,
And the brightly burning bastions lit the horizon by the score.
Eagerly, on freedom drunker; - vainly had I sought to hunker
In this heavy Imperial bunker - with perhaps a tunnel in the floor -
A safe and empty fortress with perhaps a tiny tunnel in the floor -
Only this and nothing more.
And the mad raving howling of each distant Space Wolf prowling
Thrilled me - filled me with fantastic terrors never felt before.
So that now, to the beating of my heart, I stood entreating
"`Tis some Space Wolf there repeating, firing at my bunker door -
Some common Grey Hunter rapid-firing at my bunker door -
This it is and nothing more."
Presently my soul grew stronger; hesitating then no longer
"Marine," said I, "or Scout, your attention I implore;
The bunker walls are thick - they are made of tempered brick
And your bolters do not nick the slightest scratch or tiny score -
Not a dimple, dent, depression, dip, scratch or tiny score -
Away now, and fire no more."
Then in the bunker slumping, presently I heard a thumping
A pounding - rattling many times fiercer than before.
And soon I began to screech - the bunker wall grenades did breach;
The very gods I did beseech as the ceiling fell upon the floor -
Through the wounds poured light which danced upon the floor -
Danced amidst the sounds of war.
Then at once it stopped the violence - I was left alone with silence
Confused, I spied the reason why the shells did drop no more -
For as I began to shutter, then with many a flit and flutter
a psyber-Raven flew through the clutter to perch above the door -
Perched on the two-headed eagle just above the bunker door -
Perched and sat and nothing more.
At this I grew more craven, for the talons of the psyber-Raven
Were all over covered with bright red blood and crimson gore.
"Wretch!" I cried, "Njal hath lent thee - into this fortress has he sent thee
So that remotely may he here be - and this bunker then explore -
Scry out my exact location and this bunker then explore -"
Quoth the Raven, "Eversor"
Then, methought, the air grew darker, the bunker now a little starker
For the uttered word brought terror as I had never felt before.
As for weapons, I knew I had none - no bolter, sword or lasgun;
No arms to stop the war's son fated to break soon through the door -
The blood-mad crazed assassin fated to break soon through the door-
Quoth the Raven, "Eversor"
"Be that word our sign of parting, machine or bird!" I shrieked, upstarting -
"Get thee back into the fire-fight and here spy on me no more!
For as you came unbidden - I would otherwise be here hidden -
Leave my location in this midden - quit that icon above my door!
Take thy shining metal eye, and take thy form from off my door!"
Quoth the Raven, "Eversor"
And the Raven, never flitting, still is sitting - still is sitting
On the pallid two-headed eagle just above the bunker door;
His metal eye has all the seeming of a psyker that is scheming,
To have my guts lie steaming in a pile upon the floor;
And now all hope has left me, crouched here upon the floor
I await the Eversor!
Commissar: So what's the major threat here, tyranids right?
Sgt: Yes sir, especially the local breed.
Commissar: What local breed?
Sgt: Well they're called "crabs" sir.
Commissar: Why is that?
Sgt: Well... they were kind of tainted by some slaaneshis sir and they tend to attack...
Commissar: Stop, just stop there. You mean to tell me that we're up against a group of perverted bugs that outnumber us a good 100 to 1?
Sgt: That's about right sir.
Commissar: *laughs
Sgt: Ummm... if I can ask, what's so funny?
Commissar:* Wipes tear from eye* Oh man, the guys at the commissariate got me good this time.
creeeeeeed! happens to be the best meme /tg/ has produced sience angry marines, not that I keep up.
And yes, I do run an inqisitor lord with a land raider and outflank it, *Landraider comes out of absolutely ****in' nowhere with a nutty Inquisitor screaming at the top of his lungs from the top hatch "NOOOOBODY EXPECTS THE IMPERIAL INQISITION!!!!"... Wait where where the hell did that land raider come from, (outflanking) in a Guard army! That would take some kind of tactical ge... CREEEEED!!*
I have done this several times.
Tzeentch: Hmm... great, my elaborate tactics and thinking 973535279373254 moves ahead prooved quite useful. Only two turns left to my overwhelming vict- wait, wha- WHAT IS THAT QUEEN DOING HERE
Bludgeon me, I can't remember his name. From Star Wars' Extended Universe. Quite literally the Solar Macharius of the Empire. Saved the whole thing after Luke screwed it up too, but died trying. Gaaagh, help me out.
EDIT: Whoops, didn't see the next page. THRAAAAAAAAAAWN!
metallifan wrote:Why does all my crap never work with img tags?
Pretty easy really, on the photobucket page scroll down till you see a dialog box with "Share This" as a header. Copy the information (by simply clicking) in the box labeled IMG Code. Now Paste.
Penal legion, sounds like something a slaaneshi army would have.
A slaaneshi army should be more defensive and have more skimmers because they would enjoy the boobytraps and cockpits. Of course their homeworld would be like hoth, except instead of snow it would be cocaine. Yes, it would snow cocaine. Instead of a shield generator it would have a sex generator and the only way to infiltrate it would be with elastics and lube. Fire wouldn't work on the planet as it only makes the cocaine easier to inject and the planet's surface would be covered by people having orgies. It would be a very, very dirty planet.
Automatically Appended Next Post: Oh god, I can't get slaanesh out of my mind.
halonachos wrote:Penal legion, sounds like something a slaaneshi army would have.
A slaaneshi army should be more defensive and have more skimmers because they would enjoy the boobytraps and cockpits. Of course their homeworld would be like hoth, except instead of snow it would be cocaine. Yes, it would snow cocaine. Instead of a shield generator it would have a sex generator and the only way to infiltrate it would be with elastics and lube. Fire wouldn't work on the planet as it only makes the cocaine easier to inject and the planet's surface would be covered by people having orgies. It would be a very, very dirty planet.
Automatically Appended Next Post: Oh god, I can't get slaanesh out of my mind.
That's not so much funny as it is slightly revolting and extremely disturbing. I don't think I'll be able to sleep tonight.
I don't spell Daemons wrong! I spell color "colour", I pronounce about "Aboot" and I say "Eh?" a lot (Often intentionally because it's funny) but I do NOT incorrectly spell Daemons!
Grey guys are the 14th legion i don't have the numbers memorised so somebody help me out there... and death guard... maybe? Wait what book is it for? That should pretty much get the answer.
Edit: Actually after some searching i think that pic is death guard fighting death guard... The grey guys clearly have XIV on one of their shoulder pads, and the other guys have the right paintjob... also, the two banners look kind of like the same thing in different colors... no idea whats going on there...
iamthecougar wrote:Grey guys are the 14th legion i don't have the numbers memorised so somebody help me out there... and death guard... maybe? Wait what book is it for? That should pretty much get the answer.
Edit: Actually after some searching i think that pic is death guard fighting death guard... The grey guys clearly have XIV on one of their shoulder pads, and the other guys have the right paintjob... also, the two banners look kind of like the same thing in different colors... no idea whats going on there...
im pretty sure mods could find a hundred ways to ban you for linking to 4chan here.
but apart from that... seriously... your that new to the internets that you linked to the fastest moving site on the net thinking the image would stay around...
never occured to you to...i dunno, save it and use photobucket?
if i hadn't already used my ultimate face palm here in the last week i would do it now.
shadowice558 wrote:
im pretty sure mods could find a hundred ways to ban you for linking to 4chan here.
but apart from that... seriously... your that new to the internets that you linked to the fastest moving site on the net thinking the image would stay around...
never occured to you to...i dunno, save it and use photobucket?
if i hadn't already used my ultimate face palm here in the last week i would do it now.
Why so hateful?...I thought it was funny
Anyway show me where in the forum rules that I would be banned for such a post?
Nurglitch wrote:Who is it that makes those comics?
His 4chan account is Coil10 according to 1d4chan. Although some of the comics are made by a Mr. Culexus
I cant seem to find a complete collection of the comics, or an order to the ones that are listed. Oh well, Here they are anyhow.
(hopefully some language isnt against everything Dakka stands for)
For those who have seen Tenga Toppa Gurren Lagann, would understand this. SOME time ago someone on tg had a discussion about putting drills on his dreadnaught. Which evolved into "WE ARE THE MOLE MARINES! WE WILL DRILL THROUGH HEAVEN AND EARTH! TO PIERCE TOMORROW!
And some "MOLE MARINES ARE THE NEW ANGRY MARINES!"
I thought about it and made this. /tg/madness+tablet = profit.
Naw, you didn't fail that hard, most people never look on dA. :3 I only thought too look there because I have a dA account myself, even if I haven't uploaded a drawing in a month (not that I haven't been drawing...my scanner dosn't like my computer is all :/)
And looted fex makes me think of Tyranids gone Orky! I mean, what would that even look like?
Thorheim wrote:For those who have seen Tenga Toppa Gurren Lagann, would understand this. SOME time ago someone on tg had a discussion about putting drills on his dreadnaught. Which evolved into "WE ARE THE MOLE MARINES! WE WILL DRILL THROUGH HEAVEN AND EARTH! TO PIERCE TOMORROW!
And some "MOLE MARINES ARE THE NEW ANGRY MARINES!"
I thought about it and made this. /tg/madness+tablet = profit.
FIND THE IMPOSSIBLE AND KICK ITTO THE CURB!!! WHO THE F*CK DO YOU THINK WE ARE??!!?!?! GIIIIGAAAAA!!!!!!! DRIIIIILLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!! BREAKEEERRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!
*shirtless men scream and blow sh*t up*
*yoko's tits start to bounce because of all the manliness going on*
Thorheim wrote:For those who have seen Tenga Toppa Gurren Lagann, would understand this. SOME time ago someone on tg had a discussion about putting drills on his dreadnaught. Which evolved into "WE ARE THE MOLE MARINES! WE WILL DRILL THROUGH HEAVEN AND EARTH! TO PIERCE TOMORROW!
And some "MOLE MARINES ARE THE NEW ANGRY MARINES!"
I thought about it and made this. /tg/madness+tablet = profit.
Tenga Toppa Gurren Lagann? tg? Pierce tomorrow? All of the signs are there, I think this person might be on drugs.
Drugs don't change the fact that this man has seen the most epic anime evar.
Once you watch it, it's like you die. You shed your old skin. The next day is the most beautiful day of your entire life. Your next meal will taste more delicious than any you have ever tasted. You will die, and be reborn. We are all reborn in Kamina's light. The light of the Intergalactic Dai-Gurren Brigade of Kamina and Simon. The drills that pierce the heavens, and occasionally become the objects of the wonderfully tasteful gay jokes to the mechanic.
Thorheim wrote:For those who have seen Tenga Toppa Gurren Lagann, would understand this. SOME time ago someone on tg had a discussion about putting drills on his dreadnaught. Which evolved into "WE ARE THE MOLE MARINES! WE WILL DRILL THROUGH HEAVEN AND EARTH! TO PIERCE TOMORROW!
And some "MOLE MARINES ARE THE NEW ANGRY MARINES!"
I thought about it and made this. /tg/madness+tablet = profit.
Tenga Toppa Gurren Lagann? tg? Pierce tomorrow? All of the signs are there, I think this person might be on drugs.
Being on drugs would be nice No, 1: It's an anime 2: It's a line from said anime.
then again I did play Emperor's Children before D:
4chan is known as many things, The Eye of Terror, Cesspool of the Internet, Anus of the World, as well as many other things. It is usually known for creating crap and plagues known as memes, but sometimes something really funny happens there, so people watch and wait.
i mean its an awesome warboss
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