Greebynog wrote:Urgh. Can we not turn this thread into a nerd-fap please. It's turning my stomach.
"It's not that I want to see models with boobs, it's that I think that it'd be uncomfortable for women to wear one-size-fits-all chest armor! I swear!"
The iHarvest pic would be funnier if the Necron was gaussing the token iPod-wearing dancing silhouette to constituent atoms instead of wearing the silly thing itself, I think.
Not saying that the women wouldn't fight well, just saying that all the males would intentionally charge a little bit slower just to get a good look. Kind of like when the SOB show up and the guard just lets them take the front lines. They're guys who haven't been laid in a while and may die soon, in those conditions I would look as well.
Cheese Elemental wrote:This forum is the strangest place I have ever seen in my 15 years and 7 months of life.
Although, if you REALLY want it, I can give you porn of things you wouldn't expect.
you spent some time on 4chan, good work...
ive spent the last 4 years quitting school, and doing NOTHING but spending time on the intertubes.
ive seen things that would make you throw up instantaneously.
but i sure as hell dont save the damn things to look at later... =p
also.
40k humor?
my last game: out of a 30man boyz squad, my last scoring unit on the field was a single boy, that single boy survived 3 ld tests and an entire turn of an entire tau armys shooting...
also having my opponent force me to roll to hit and wound with all 65 potential attacks from my nobz squad...
Hmm... a hole in a helmet makes no sense. Its like putting a hole in a fence when you build it. Also makes her vulnerable to rear headshots from flanking enemies. Close combat would be a mess with that ponytail as well.
Its a Imperial Femguard quit bringing logic into this.....
i swear if anyone ruins this for me ill kill with flashlight witch will be slow and pain full
Hmm... a hole in a helmet makes no sense. Its like putting a hole in a fence when you build it. Also makes her vulnerable to rear headshots from flanking enemies. Close combat would be a mess with that ponytail as well.
Its a Imperial Femguard quit bringing logic into this.....
i swear if anyone ruins this for me ill kill with flashlight witch will be slow and pain full
You said "witch" instead of "which". I am calling the inquisitor you dirty heretic.
But still, no logic in putting a whole in a helmet or even trying to make yourself look different. I think its a military quote saying "Look unimportant, the enemy may be low on ammo.". By making yourself look distinguished(i.e. ponytail) you make yourself a nice target. If you look like everyone else, then they may just shoot everyone else and not you. Also about mixed regiments, in the gaunt novels they say that the women often beat up the guys trying to get lucky. You shouldn't try to do it with someone with the same and same amount of combat training as you.
How many Inquisitors does it take to change a light bulb?
3. One to do it, One to shoot him for doing it and One to completely deny the existence of lightbulbs
What day do Space Wolves hate the most?
neutering day.
The Thousand Sons, archenemies of the Space Wolves have developed a whole new weapon to specifically fight them.
A rolled up newspaper
(This is from one of the workers at my flgs) This is why Ork Fighta Bombas should have boarding planks.
Ork pilot sees a thunderbolt that he likes
Boarding plank goes over
A few minutes later you see the planes flying side by side, the thunderbolt with a ripped open cockpit with the ork at the controls and an imperial pilot with no parachute tumbling down to the ground.
things not to say to the gw employee
So, how much is this?
Are you gay?
Oh, so this is why your wife left you.
What "team" do you collect?
I've just started playing. Is Marneus Calgar a good starter unit?
That's daylight robbery!
How can you survive outside GW, do you need a gas mask or something?
Do you have a girlfriend?
6 trees for £20! That's a rip off!
Isn't hobbycraft terrain cheaper?
Ever jacked off anywhere other than your chair?
These aren't games, just plastic pieces of crap!
How much is this Lemon Russ?
Don't you feel guilty, dirty and full of shame when you go home?
Doesn't working for GW want to make you kill your co-workers?
Aren't Space Marines a bit overpowered?
The way you've painted that thing with horns makes it look really cute!
Do you have a life?
Why is it that these guys have had guns for thousands of years, and yet have reverted back to fighting with axes and swords?
Do your customers realize they are being robbed? Seriously, GW crap is expensive. You'll never be able to afford a home if you keep playing. Do you have a home?
Isn't this just another face of obsessive D&D [see forum posting rules]?
Ooooooh, like video games. Without the fun!
There was a Chuck Norris model released in 2004 but it was recalled when over four hundred people died from ownage over-dosing.
What can I get for a buck?
Does that model come in men's?
Do those dice come in men's?
Does that rulebook come in men's?
Does that 6" ruler come in men's?
That 6" ruler is your penis.
Does it still come in men's?
You make the best domino pieces ever.
I thought Satan was the only one who dealt in the bartering of souls for material possessions.
Wow, this stuff is really expensive.
Why the hell would I pay $8 for super glue?
Can I just use your bathroom?
I'll buy it when some rich person dies and leaves me their fortune.
Oh my god! What the feth is that smell!? Sniff, sniff; Is that... Is that you!?!
You know there are other things outside of this store right?
Space Marines suck!
You guys are geeks!
N00b!
Orc is spelled Orc not Ork.
I thought Rhinos were animals.
Aww sucks. Can I roll again?
Is this move legal?
But the book says...
Do the models come assembled?
Do they come painted?
Can you paint my models for me?
Do you have the latest Squats codex?
Can that black spiky guy hit that blue guy with that big tank thing?
WHY THE HELL NOT???!!!
Oh gak! no-one panic. Don't tell ANYONE or this'll happen to you too. *runs out of GW*
Do you live for the beeping noise?
What do i do now?
What about now?
Do you like my girl friend?
Is it my move?
Do their arms move?
How do you play?
wow this place is full of nerds...oh you work here?
shadowice558 wrote:
my last game: out of a 30man boyz squad, my last scoring unit on the field was a single boy, that single boy survived 3 ld tests and an entire turn of an entire tau armys shooting...
also having my opponent force me to roll to hit and wound with all 65 potential attacks from my nobz squad...
have you since promoted this boy to warboss??? its only fitting that, with those escapades, he would grow to monstrous proportions and become a warboss himself
shadowice558 wrote:
my last game: out of a 30man boyz squad, my last scoring unit on the field was a single boy, that single boy survived 3 ld tests and an entire turn of an entire tau armys shooting...
also having my opponent force me to roll to hit and wound with all 65 potential attacks from my nobz squad...
By the way, i was that tau player.... You wanted to attack with so many bloody hits you have to roll them... and that bloody ork boy.... survived a hammerhead's full amount of fire (burst cannons, railgun) and a suit with missle pod/plasma rifle combo (with targetting array too). That was one damn lucky ork...
The Emperor Mastercard Joke:
Flak armor and fatiges: 20 imperial credits
Lasgun, Canteen, and a butter knife: 10 imperial credits
Having zero chances surviving your first engagement as a whiteshield: Priceless.
shadowice558 wrote:
my last game: out of a 30man boyz squad, my last scoring unit on the field was a single boy, that single boy survived 3 ld tests and an entire turn of an entire tau armys shooting...
also having my opponent force me to roll to hit and wound with all 65 potential attacks from my nobz squad...
have you since promoted this boy to warboss??? its only fitting that, with those escapades, he would grow to monstrous proportions and become a warboss himself
he is getting a unique paintjob when i get another detail brush (little brothers are a pain)
Guardsman "How is it that that Space Marines only suffer 100 casualties, when we suffer 100,000?"
Commissar: "Well, through out the entire 25 year war, a fraction of our casualties are simply from old age. The rest are.. well.... quit falling back and there'd be a considerably lower amount of casualties. But anyway, to sum it all up really, the Space Marines show up in the last hour of the fight."
Guardsman: "So... basically... over 25 years, we suffer less than 100,000 casualties from actual combat, and Space Marines suffer 100 in only an hour?"
Commissar:"Hmmm, yes, actually. If only the guard's hardwork would get some credit every now and then, I'd be getting payed so much more."
Guardsman: "So.. Let me get this straigh... We basi-*BAMPH*"
Commissar: "He asks too many questions.. And so remember, men, if we hold them up long enough, we'll buy enough time for the Adeptus Astartes to show up and take the credit"
Tourniquet wrote:Also no humour thread can be done without the absolutly EPIC "do the demon primarchs still hang out" http://www.warseer.com/forums/showthread.php?t=115241 Linked to thread since its to long to paste
Tourniquet wrote:Also no humour thread can be done without the absolutly EPIC "do the demon primarchs still hang out" http://www.warseer.com/forums/showthread.php?t=115241 Linked to thread since its to long to paste
Tourniquet wrote:Also no humour thread can be done without the absolutly EPIC "do the demon primarchs still hang out" http://www.warseer.com/forums/showthread.php?t=115241 Linked to thread since its to long to paste
Hillarious ! Great Find there
red 2 posts and got bored
You missed out if you only read the first two posts ...the treasure is the posts from Lastie which are hellarious storylines on what it would be like if the Chaos Primarchs got together at a bar. Skattered throughout the thread are at least 7 of these short stories .
I will post a sample so that you know what I am talking about:
Lastie wrote:Cut to the interior of a warm pub on a backwater Daemonworld, where the average technology level is comparable to 12th century Europe, where soap is non existant and everyone still thinks the horse and cart is an awesome invention. Here we zoom in upon a table in corner, where several huge individuals dwarf the room and furniture as they chug back entire ale kegs and laugh with voices that shake the room.
Angron: "... and then I said to the Inquisitor 'Smite THIS!' and I cut his head off!" <bangs on table, causing small earthquake in a nearby country that kills thousands>
Fulgrim: "Just like the fifty thousand beforehand. Your capacity for imaginative decapitations must hold no bounds".
Angron: "... er ... why thank you".
Mortarion: "He's being sarcastic you simple-minded fool. You've wasted the last five decades with your endless talks on conquest".
Fulgrim: "Inelegant conquest, full of mindless slaughter - has no style at all".
Angron: "Well at least I'm doing something. What have you guys done for the last ten thousand years while Ezzie makes us all look bad with his Black Crusades?"
Perturabo: "Speaking of which, the last one sucked".
Magnus: "What did thou expect? It was the twelth sequel".
Lorgor: "They do tend to go downhill from Part 3 onwards ..."
Angron: "Like your books, what volume are we up to now?"
Lorgor: "Book 675,893,920,910".
Mortarion: "And the plot's still awful ..."
Lorgor: "They're religious teachings you pestilent philistine! As if you could compare those endless depressing poetry you write on your Planet of Smelly Emo's".
Mortarion: "No one understands me ..."
Magnus: "Looks like Konrad's postion as Fangirl Angst Fodder has been filled ..."
Fulgrim: "Has anyone may or may not have heard from Alpharious lately?"
Magnus: "He may or may not have sent me a warp-mail of update, I really can't say".
Angron: "He's as annoying as our loyalist brothers. Where the hell are most of them?"
Fulgrim: "I find it hard to believe the Imperium could misplace a Primarch ..."
Lorgar: "Well at least they're not doing anything to make us look bad".
Angron: "No, a first company captain's doing that fine by himself ..."
<reflective silence>
Mortarion: "We suck ..."
Fulgrim: "Thankyou Mr. Razor Blades to the Wrist. Magnus, want to say something to liven things up? Your patron God is the warp-spawned entity of Hope".
Magnus: "Well, with Apocalypse being released maybe we might get some attention, despite the latest Chaos Codex being devoted almost entirely to upstart newbies who wouldn't know their Daemonhost from their Chaos Spawn".
<reflective silence>
Angron: "Fat chance ... anyway, Lorgar it's your round".
I find this thread to now be full of awsome AND win... mainly because of the primarchs referal. Now that is a forum full of so much AWESOME AND WIN that your head will explode, although some of the chapters are full of mediocre and tie but regardless still funny as all hell.
1 You are killed as a Heretic.
2-3 You are found to be a Psyker and sent to a Black Ship.
4-5 You given a bucket and a shovel and told to clean up after the Ogryn.
6-10 You are to be trained as an Officer.
11-15 You are handed a Lasgun, a Helmet, and a direction (forward) and become a conscript.
16-20 You are trained to operate a Vox Castor.
21-25 You are train as Sniper and given a Camo-Cloak.
26-30 You are trained with Special Weapons. Post Ending 0-2 (Flamer) 3-5 (Grenade Launcher) 6-7 (Meltagun) 8-9 (Plasma Gun)
31-35 You are trained with Heavy Weapons. Post End 0-1 (Heavy Flamer) 2-3 (Mortar) 4-5 (Heavy Bolter) 6-7 (Auto-Cannon) 8 (Missile Launcher) 9 (Lascannon)
36-55 You are trained with a Lasgun and Frag Grenades, and given Flak Armor.
56-60 You are given Carapace Armor, a Shotgun, Grenades, and Melta-Bombs and then trained to be an elite grenadier.
61-65 Valkyrie Pilot
66-70 Chimera Diver
71-75 Scout Sentinel Driver
76-80 Armored Sentinel Driver
81-85 Leman Russ Tank Driver
86-90 Leman Russ Tank Gunner
91-95 Leman Russ Tank Commander
96-97 You have been selected to go to Terrax and train to be a Commissar.
98-99 An Inquisitor take you as his Acolyte.
100 An Inquisitor has decided to send you to a Shrine World to become a "comfort" to the SoB.
GreyFox555 wrote:Your have been tithed to the Imperial Guard.
Roll a D100
1 You are killed as a Heretic.
2-3 You are found to be a Psyker and sent to a Black Ship.
4-5 You given a bucket and a shovel and told to clean up after the Ogryn.
6-10 You are to be trained as an Officer.
11-15 You are handed a Lasgun, a Helmet, and a direction (forward) and become a conscript.
16-20 You are trained to operate a Vox Castor.
21-25 You are train as Sniper and given a Camo-Cloak.
26-30 You are trained with Special Weapons. Post Ending 0-2 (Flamer) 3-5 (Grenade Launcher) 6-7 (Meltagun) 8-9 (Plasma Gun)
31-35 You are trained with Heavy Weapons. Post End 0-1 (Heavy Flamer) 2-3 (Mortar) 4-5 (Heavy Bolter) 6-7 (Auto-Cannon) 8 (Missile Launcher) 9 (Lascannon)
36-55 You are trained with a Lasgun and Frag Grenades, and given Flak Armor.
56-60 You are given Carapace Armor, a Shotgun, Grenades, and Melta-Bombs and then trained to be an elite grenadier.
61-65 Valkyrie Pilot
66-70 Chimera Diver
71-75 Scout Sentinel Driver
76-80 Armored Sentinel Driver
81-85 Leman Russ Tank Driver
86-90 Leman Russ Tank Gunner
91-95 Leman Russ Tank Commander
96-97 You have been selected to go to Terrax and train to be a Commissar.
98-99 An Inquisitor take you as his Acolyte.
100 An Inquisitor has decided to send you to a Shrine World to become a "comfort" to the SoB.
Slackermagee wrote:It's cool. You'd probably be found to be a heretic anyway when you're surrounded by faith obsessed hyper-violent space-nuns.
Well he's there to "comfort" them, so either hes doing what we think he's doing, or theyre beating him to a pulp with various blunt objects to work out their rage at heretics that are non existent in their base.
I like both options, since I am an officer Obey me drivers and pilots! and non commissars!
GreyFox555 wrote:Your have been tithed to the Imperial Guard.
Roll a D100
1 You are killed as a Heretic.
2-3 You are found to be a Psyker and sent to a Black Ship.
4-5 You given a bucket and a shovel and told to clean up after the Ogryn.
6-10 You are to be trained as an Officer.
11-15 You are handed a Lasgun, a Helmet, and a direction (forward) and become a conscript.
16-20 You are trained to operate a Vox Castor.
21-25 You are train as Sniper and given a Camo-Cloak.
26-30 You are trained with Special Weapons. Post Ending 0-2 (Flamer) 3-5 (Grenade Launcher) 6-7 (Meltagun) 8-9 (Plasma Gun)
31-35 You are trained with Heavy Weapons. Post End 0-1 (Heavy Flamer) 2-3 (Mortar) 4-5 (Heavy Bolter) 6-7 (Auto-Cannon) 8 (Missile Launcher) 9 (Lascannon)
36-55 You are trained with a Lasgun and Frag Grenades, and given Flak Armor.
56-60 You are given Carapace Armor, a Shotgun, Grenades, and Melta-Bombs and then trained to be an elite grenadier.
61-65 Valkyrie Pilot
66-70 Chimera Diver
71-75 Scout Sentinel Driver
76-80 Armored Sentinel Driver
81-85 Leman Russ Tank Driver
86-90 Leman Russ Tank Gunner
91-95 Leman Russ Tank Commander
96-97 You have been selected to go to Terrax and train to be a Commissar.
98-99 An Inquisitor take you as his Acolyte.
100 An Inquisitor has decided to send you to a Shrine World to become a "comfort" to the SoB.
bloody hell i rolled a 1
rerolling with read dice: 93: SWEET! i gots me a Leman!
Has anyone else noticed that with that chart you're almost more likely to be anything else BUT a conscript? Regular Guardsmen doesn't even appear on there!
Skinnattittar wrote:Has anyone else noticed that with that chart you're almost more likely to be anything else BUT a conscript? Regular Guardsmen doesn't even appear on there!
36-55 You are trained with a Lasgun and Frag Grenades, and given Flak Armor.
sugna the repairible wrote:What is with the Turtle Pie stuff?
It was a little joke by me and a few others. Our religion was based upon worshipping turtles, pie and any combination of the two. It survived a while, but then our thread got locked. I personally don't think we did anything wrong, but thats for another thread.
Now, as the third saint of the church, I still try to spread the Word a bit.
An apprentice. While all the other filth are fighting their wars on the surface of a planet, we orbit around on a space ship and advise the inquisitors to nuke the whole planet because we may be losing.
And then after many years, we get to nuke planets for ourselves.
Having followed this thread from start to finish, I'm pretty sure this hasn't been posted on Dakka, on this thread, however it's too funny not to include.
Contrary to popular belief, Kharn the Betrayer was a pretty fun guy to be around during a blood-letting campaign. Sure, he'd get so wrapped up in the blood-lust that he'd butcher friend and foe alike but it's not like you didn't get a fair warning from his name or anything.
I served in the traitor guardsman legions known as the Red Rivers, because we got sent in first to soften up the positions and you could see our progress by the red river of our blood. I kept running into Kharn during one of the bigger scourging campaigns, and he wasn't dickish about the whole him being a space marine and me being killed by laser-lights or angry glances at all.
The first time I saw him, I was on perimeter patrol at one of our forward outposts, we'd just overrun a Sororitas non-militant chapel, and the Slaanesh boys were shirking their duty to go rape the sisters in a clearing near the chapel. I was watching from afar when Kharn strides up, cool as you like holding the largest stone pillar I've ever seen. I turned back and the whole ****ing chapel was falling down. He'd just ripped the goddamn thing right out and was carrying it on his shoulders!
Then, if that wasn't insane enough he went and hefted this whole pillar through the air, and crushed the entire congregation of rape in the name of Slaanesh, defilers and victims all in one go.
I was just standing there dumbfounded when Kharn looked at me, as though noticing me for the first time and yet not surprised by my presence at all. He held his palm out, and I obliged him a high five. He'd earned it.
Damn well shattered every bone in my arm doing it though.
Nice guy that Kharn.
he second time I crossed paths with Kharn was in a later stage in the campaign. We were besieging one of the major hives of the planet, and I tell you what that place was locked up tighter than a Dark Eldar's pants. My commander, Oxlor the Vilest was stuck in an argument with some idiot leader of some group of Death Guard. You could see the smell it was so bad. I could tell Oxlor wasn't happy, since everyone knows the Death Guard's answer to everything is to just walk at it and watch your bits fly off. Not so good for us soft and squishy guys.
Out of nowhere, this big hand grabs our commander by the shoulder and just hefts him aside, three whole trenches back where he rebounds off a basilisk. The crew was so shocked they fired off a round on a horrible trajectory, and the shell streaked high into the sky.
Kharn the Betrayer just himself dusts himself down, and then picks back up what he had been holding. Now, I'm no techpriest and I never will be, but I know a nuclear warhead when I see it. I don't know where he got it.
No one says anything, so The Betrayer just punches the Plague marine in the face, and stuffs the warhead into the leaking mess of his stomach while he was still reeling.
No run up, no preparation. He just ****ing throws the other marine into the air at the hive. For a moment it actually looks like he's thrown the warp-damned fool OVER the hive, but as he flies over the top the basilisk shell comes down and spears him through the whole hive! There's a low boom noise, the ground shakes, and then the whole hive IMPLODES!
Everything clears, and Kharn looks at me, and I feel about one foot tall. I don't know if he recognised me, but he leans down and whispers. Kharn WHISPERS to me.
"I was trying to hit the Emperor's Children on the other side" he confides in me, and then nudges me as though it's supposed to be our little secret.
I was in traction for a MONTH
As I always say, Kharn the Betrayer was pretty fun to be around, and contrary to popular belief he actually had a sense of humour as well. Probably the best example was in the middle of the campaign during a sweeping of an Imperial Guard command post, with Khorne Berserkers and our Red Rivers company marching directly into the defensive fire. The closer we got, the more apparent it became that the only thing holding the Guardsmen together was a grizzled looking Commissar in full uniform, one gun turned on us and another firing on any of his men who looked like running.
Kharn was at the tip of the assault, and so he got to the Commissar first, plucking the screaming officer up by the neck and holding him over his head.
Then, out of nowhere one of the other berserkers grabs the Commissar's legs and roars "MAKE A WISH!". Well, as you can imagine everyone on both sides forgets about the fight, and watches Kharn and this other Khorne worshipping marine just start pulling on this Commissar at both ends, the old man screaming out oaths and curses like you wouldn't believe! You could almost hear the sound of flesh tearing and bone snapping over the cheering.
Then, Kharn just let go. Totally not expecting it and pulling with all his might, the Khorne Berserker just falls backwards and starts tumbling with the near dead Commissar into a damaged hellhound, his armour grating off it and sparking!
Well, after the explosion we all turned back to Kharn, who had managed to keep a hold of the Commissar's fancy hat. Ol' Kharn put it on, and damned if it wasn't the funniest thing any of us had ever seen... till he turned to us and bellowed "I'M THE NEW COMMISSAR" at us.
They tell me five thousand traitor guardsmen died that day before someone could take that hat off him.
What a kidder!
I've been fairly insistent to you readers out there that Kharn the Betrayer was a pretty fun guy to be around. I know he gets a bad rap for the whole 'slaughtering his own allies' thing, but unless you've been there after a battle with him you don't really appreciate how much he strives to please his chaos god.
It was after one of our many conflicts that the Red Rivers Infantry were preparing to march on to our next destination. Nevermind that it was half the planet away, we as traitor guard didn't get transport vehicles. So as you can imagine when someone declared they'd found an Imperial Drop-ship in working condition everyone clamoured and fought to get a free ride to our next engagement.
Knowing full well I was too far away to get on the ship, I stayed with some of my fellow traitors at the battlefield. I'd seen Kharn after the battle, and as soon as we'd gotten our marching orders he was picking up corpses and putting them down elsewhere. This took an hour before he was satisfied, and seeing an audience he happily led us up onto a hill as the drop-ship flew a pass over the top of us, probably to gloat. Proudly, Kharn gestured to the battlefield, and then waved up at the drop-ship with his other hand. I peered down the hill, and realized he'd arranged the bodies to make out words, so many killed to form:
On your drop ship hull
I planted a melta bomb
Blood for the Blood God
It was at that point the drop-ship erupted in a violent plume, and crashed down on top of the haiku. Roaring in a cheer, we lifted Kharn up together and made to carry him to the next battlefield as a sign of our appreciation and devotion to his art.
We got about five paces before our spines liquefied but Kharn didn't hold it against us for trying.
Seriously, what a guy!
Or
So, Eldrad Ulthran is a dick. It seems shocking to hear and I know he is the guiding light of our people, but in all honestly, he's a total dick.
I know this because I served with him. You see, I am a Warlock. You can imagine my excitement when I was first assigned to his retinue. I took no heed to the fact his last set of Warlocks supposedly died in "a most ironic manner". I was young back then, only 19 000, and naive.
As soon as I met Eldrad in person he gave me my first order: "find a howling banshee exarch, and a witch blade for yourself, we are going to Setrus Prime (as the monkeigh called it)." He actually said the parenthesis by leaning forward and placing a hand beside his mouth to direct his voice to me alone. He is kind of a douche that way, we were in the room alone.
Anyway, Eldrad, the banshee exarch and I sortie to the planet's surface. I project some illusionary cover to shield our hiding spot and the exarch and I await more orders. Before us a great battle is being waged between a force of the monkeigh Space Marines and our fallen brethren, the Dark Eldar. About 20 minutes into the battle Eldrad points to a pebble by his foot and says "Move this small stone to where I am pointing now." He points to an innocuous patch of ground. Dumbfounded but trusting, I do as he says.
No sooner had I reached cover did a Space Marine bike roar past me, straight over the pebble. The mighty treads of the bike's wheels fling the pebble up into an empty stretch of air. It hangs there for a moment, then a Dark Eldar reaver rushes into it, the pebble sucked into its jet intake. The reaver sputters then bursts into flames, accelerating rapidly, right into a Talos. The Talos was not of regular design, not that any ever are. This one was a mass of spinning blades with a screaming humanoid in its center, the body of which was too mutilated to even identify its race.
I might mention at this point that Eldrad has not turned to look at the ensuing chaos, instead he is staring in the direction of myself and our howling banshee companion.
When the reaver hit the talos, all hell broke loose as the twirling saws of the unsavory machine broke free like angry daemons being exorcised. I saw one blade, bouncing and racing directly towards us at ludicrous speeds. And I am an Eldar, I know speed. I brace my witch blade for the impact readying myself to take the blow, to save the farseer in my protection. The blades hit and both the saw and the witch blade veer off directly towards the banshee exarch. Both blades merely graze her, just deep enough to cut the restraints that hold her costume on. As her armour falls away exposing her breasts, I realize why Eldrad was staring at her. He giggles, then orders a full retreat.
What a dick.
So Eldrad is a huge dick, but I think I have proven that by now. What I haven't told you is that he is, without a doubt, the greatest psyker in the universe.
I never saw this more exemplified than when we went to deal with a splinter fleet of Hive Fleet Leviathan. The first thing Eldrad did was use his massive reservoir of power to redirect the entire hive fleet 0.3 degrees off course. At first we had no idea why, but he assured us there was a reason. 134 years later we encountered the swarm again, and now we saw his plan, the fleet was heading straight into a desolate backwater planet. Using yet more of his might, Eldrad hid the entire planet from the fleet's sight. This caused the entire hive fleet to crash square into the planet's surface. He then called for me and the rest of his retinue to sortie down to the planet, we had a mission.
Once on the surface the bleeding husks of charred hive ships loomed over us like cold organic volcanoes. And then in a clearing, we found our quarry, a mighty hive tyrant, its psychic eminence clouding my own mind like a thick whispering fog. Eldrad was not taken aback in the slightest, he stepped forward, unarmed, right into the clutches of the hive tyrant. He then began to emulate the hive tyrant's psychic powers, only at a much higher magnitude. He had made himself into a synapse creature of immense power. So much so he brow beat the mighty tyranid into submission. He then turned to us, tyranid leader in tow, and said, we are returning, we have what we came for.
Although impressed by Eldrad's mastery of the mind, we all could not stop pondering his master plan. Why would he need such a mighty beast? It was not till the next morning that I knew. Pasted throughout the ENTIRE CRAFTWORLD were pictures of the titanic monstrosity and its ..... titanic monstrosity resting on my face as I slept. I never even knew tyranids had genitalia.
What a dick.
You know, Eldrad Ulthran really is a dick. I've said it before, and I have absolutely no doubt that I will say it again. He has skill and power of heights that are only reachable, even for most Eldar, in their dreams, and how does he use them? He uses them like this:
Years ago, a minor Ork Waaagh sprung up and launched itself against the Mon Keigh world they call Lentak II. It's an insigificant planet by any definition except, apparently, Eldrad's. He summoned me and told me we were going to Lentak, and that it was of the utmost importance to see that a certain battle took a particular course. He also told me to bring along the best sniper I could find, adding that "He might come in handy," with a wink like he was passing on some kind of secret message. Typical Eldrad behavior, that.
So, we get down to the surface of Lentak and locate the "important" battle, in a rocky pass high up in a mountain range. Eldrad isn't wearing his helmet, the better to display the horribly annoying half-smile that's on his face the whole time, the one he puts on when he knows something you don't and is about to use that information. I'm busy projecting an illusion to keep Mon Keigh and the Orks from noticing us, Eldrad and the sniper are just watching the battle from the rock outcrop where we're standing. Finally, Eldrad points at a particular Ork nob riding in the back of one of their wartrukks.
"That one. Take off his ear. His *left* ear. Right...now."
The sniper fires, cleanly severing the Ork's ear. The thing roars like the beast it is, looks around, and smacks the Ork beside it right off the back of the bouncing vehicle. The fallen Ork doesn't even have time to stop rolling before it gets run over by another Ork on a warbike; the bike nearly crashes, and one of the bombs sitting in a rack near the back bounces loose and falls to the ground. Eldrad looks at it, nods in satisfaction, and motions for us to leave.
Five of the Mon Keigh years pass. Five blessed, beloved years, in which I do not hear nor see Eldrad a single time. I don't know where he was, or what he does when he's not busy being a dick; probably off seducing Tau or members of whatever other young race has caught his fancy recently. Anyway, those five years pass all too quickly, and then Eldrad comes back, contacts me, and tells me we're going back to Lentak II, just the two of us. This, of course, sets my teeth on edge, because I know he's going to do something unbearably dickish, but I can't exactly refuse the most important Farseer of my Craftworld.
Sure enough, we wind up back in that same mountain pass, watching a column of Imperial Guard troops march past. This time, we're down at roughly the same level as the guardsmen, but since there are only two of us, it's easy for me to project sufficient camouflage. Good thing, because Eldrad sure wasn't helping. I notice that the wreckage from the battle years ago hasn't been completely cleaned; some has been pushed up against the walls of the pass, some hasn't.
I belatedly remember the fallen bomb and start to look for it, but before I can spot it, a Chimera with a commissar riding in its open hatch finds it on its own. The explosion bounces the vehicle into the air, and the unsecured commissar goes flying. Shrapnel flies towards us and I dodge, rolling across the ground to avoid the splintered metal.
When I look up, I see Eldrad, standing with the sunrise behind him, posed like a statue with his head high and his fists on his hips. An instant later, the commissar's hat lands right on his head. And Eldrad, the dick, holds the pose and smirks at me. I almost dropped the illusion and let the Mon Keigh kill us both, but then I realized Eldrad would probably have some way of escaping even that.
Never in my nearly twenty thousand years of life have I met a bigger dick than Eldrad Ulthran.
So, I've already told you about how Eldrad Ulthran is a dick. You've heard it all, all the sad stories...except, of course, you haven't, because Eldrad constantly generates more indignities to pile upon me. I thought he'd give me a break after the incident Tissalk Secunda; he really went too far on that one, and after they finally stopped laughing, the rest of the expeditionary force were giving him some funny looks. I thought he wouldn't anything else so soon. I was wrong.
With the Grey Ones rising again to wage war against all life, many of our priorities have been shifted to meet this resurgent threat. Thus, when Eldrad said he was working on a project and needed the body of a Necron warrior, everyone assumed he meant it was for research into some kind of weapon to use against them. Under any other circumstances, getting the order from Eldrad to gather a raiding group together would have filled me with fear that I was going to be the butt of another joke, but even Eldrad has to be serious where the ancient enemy is concerned...right?
Besides, to be honest, I was too busy being afraid of the Grey Ones to worry about whatever dickish maneuver Eldrad must be planning. I've faced the Mon Keigh, the Orks, our fallen brethren, and the horrors of the Warp, and such foes do not frighten me, but the soulless enemy does. They're so...cold. Nevertheless, let it not be said that I did not do my duty when called upon.
We flew almost to the edge of the galaxy; myself, my handpicked force, and Eldrad, who actually acted professionally during the long transit. I kept glancing over my shoulder, literally and metaphorically, expecting his true nature to assert itself, but we reached the tomb world without incident. We landed on that ancient soil, and all my senses were screaming at me to get back in the ship and get away, back to Ulthwe and (relative) safety. But we went further. We went down into a tomb, Eldrad opening the way for us.
Down in that darkness, I was more scared than I ever had been in my whole life, all 19,872 years of it; this was one of the most nerve-wracking (if not THE most nerve-wracking) tasks I'd ever been given as a member of Eldrad's retinue. Eldrad had a device with him, a band of wraithbone he claimed had taken him nearly a year to create; he told us that it would keep a Necron in stasis, regardless of what transpired. He also said that our presence wouldn't wake the tomb world; I just had to cling tight to my staff and pray that he was right. Naturally, Eldrad being Eldrad, we couldn't just grab the warrior closest to the entrance and run for it; we had to find the "right" one, which meant walking for nearly an hour into the tomb's depths before he finally selected one identical to every other warrior and locked the band around its head.
By the time we get back to the surface, which took even longer than going in because we dropped that heavy Necron no less than four times on the way back, I'm a bundle of nerves, and it only gets worse during the flight. I can't sleep inside our little ship, knowing that soulless killing machine is onboard with us, knowing about the wars that they fought against our ancestors, and what kind of deaths the Eldar in those days met. It keeps running through my head that it's almost my birthday, that I'll soon be turning 19,873, and that I don't want to get snuffed out before I hit the twenty-thousand-year mark. That's no way for an Eldar to go.
The ship arrives back at Ulthwe the day before my birthday. Eldrad, grinning enigmatically, heads off to his workshop with the Necron, and I stumble up to my cozy dwelling bubble and fall straight into bed, still wearing the same warlock robes I've been wearing since the tomb world. Yes, it was nasty, like something a Mon Keigh would do. I was so tired I didn't care. If that Necron wanted to get me, it'd have to fight through half of Ulthwe to reach me, coming from Eldrad's bubble complex. I slept at last.
Not that it helped much. In my dreams, I'm back in the tomb, with Grey Ones rising to life around me. I run, but I'm trapped; I try to fight, and I get torn into bleeding shreds. I wake up, feeling barely better than when I got off the mission ship, and realize that it's my birthday. Congratulations, self. Outside my bubble, I can sense the collected presence of family and friends, come to wish me success in my new year. Well, you only turn 19,873 once, so I drag myself out of bed, toss my grimy robes aside, and head for the shower; I figure a little session there should revive me enough to at least face my well-wishers graciously. I step through the bathroom door, pull back the shower curtain, and the Necron is in my shower cubicle.
THE NECRON IS IN MY SHOWER CUBICLE. Poised as if to strike, hands raised and clawed metal fingers spread - that memory is one I shall carry to the end of time.
I do the worst thing I possibly could. I panic. I scream at the top of my lungs and run headlong...out of the bathroom...out of my dwelling bubble...and come face-to-face with my birthday crowd. While wearing my "birthday suit," just like a scene from an embarrassing nightmare. There's a moment in which everyone goes silent - everyone except Eldrad, standing off to one side, his snickering audible to all.
I suspect that they'll still be talking about this when I turn 20,000. Thanks, Eldrad. Way to ruin my birthday.
GreyFox555 wrote:Your have been tithed to the Imperial Guard.
Roll a D100
1 You are killed as a Heretic.
2-3 You are found to be a Psyker and sent to a Black Ship.
4-5 You given a bucket and a shovel and told to clean up after the Ogryn.
6-10 You are to be trained as an Officer.
11-15 You are handed a Lasgun, a Helmet, and a direction (forward) and become a conscript.
16-20 You are trained to operate a Vox Castor.
21-25 You are train as Sniper and given a Camo-Cloak.
26-30 You are trained with Special Weapons. Post Ending 0-2 (Flamer) 3-5 (Grenade Launcher) 6-7 (Meltagun) 8-9 (Plasma Gun)
31-35 You are trained with Heavy Weapons. Post End 0-1 (Heavy Flamer) 2-3 (Mortar) 4-5 (Heavy Bolter) 6-7 (Auto-Cannon) 8 (Missile Launcher) 9 (Lascannon)
36-55 You are trained with a Lasgun and Frag Grenades, and given Flak Armor.
56-60 You are given Carapace Armor, a Shotgun, Grenades, and Melta-Bombs and then trained to be an elite grenadier.
61-65 Valkyrie Pilot
66-70 Chimera Diver
71-75 Scout Sentinel Driver
76-80 Armored Sentinel Driver
81-85 Leman Russ Tank Driver
86-90 Leman Russ Tank Gunner
91-95 Leman Russ Tank Commander
96-97 You have been selected to go to Terrax and train to be a Commissar.
98-99 An Inquisitor take you as his Acolyte.
100 An Inquisitor has decided to send you to a Shrine World to become a "comfort" to the SoB.
GreyFox555 wrote:Your have been tithed to the Imperial Guard.
Roll a D100
1 You are killed as a Heretic.
2-3 You are found to be a Psyker and sent to a Black Ship.
4-5 You given a bucket and a shovel and told to clean up after the Ogryn.
6-10 You are to be trained as an Officer.
11-15 You are handed a Lasgun, a Helmet, and a direction (forward) and become a conscript.
16-20 You are trained to operate a Vox Castor.
21-25 You are train as Sniper and given a Camo-Cloak.
26-30 You are trained with Special Weapons. Post Ending 0-2 (Flamer) 3-5 (Grenade Launcher) 6-7 (Meltagun) 8-9 (Plasma Gun)
31-35 You are trained with Heavy Weapons. Post End 0-1 (Heavy Flamer) 2-3 (Mortar) 4-5 (Heavy Bolter) 6-7 (Auto-Cannon) 8 (Missile Launcher) 9 (Lascannon)
36-55 You are trained with a Lasgun and Frag Grenades, and given Flak Armor.
56-60 You are given Carapace Armor, a Shotgun, Grenades, and Melta-Bombs and then trained to be an elite grenadier.
61-65 Valkyrie Pilot
66-70 Chimera Diver
71-75 Scout Sentinel Driver
76-80 Armored Sentinel Driver
81-85 Leman Russ Tank Driver
86-90 Leman Russ Tank Gunner
91-95 Leman Russ Tank Commander
96-97 You have been selected to go to Terrax and train to be a Commissar.
98-99 An Inquisitor take you as his Acolyte.
100 An Inquisitor has decided to send you to a Shrine World to become a "comfort" to the SoB.
GreyFox555 wrote:Your have been tithed to the Imperial Guard.
Roll a D100
1 You are killed as a Heretic.
2-3 You are found to be a Psyker and sent to a Black Ship.
4-5 You given a bucket and a shovel and told to clean up after the Ogryn.
6-10 You are to be trained as an Officer.
11-15 You are handed a Lasgun, a Helmet, and a direction (forward) and become a conscript.
16-20 You are trained to operate a Vox Castor.
21-25 You are train as Sniper and given a Camo-Cloak.
26-30 You are trained with Special Weapons. Post Ending 0-2 (Flamer) 3-5 (Grenade Launcher) 6-7 (Meltagun) 8-9 (Plasma Gun)
31-35 You are trained with Heavy Weapons. Post End 0-1 (Heavy Flamer) 2-3 (Mortar) 4-5 (Heavy Bolter) 6-7 (Auto-Cannon) 8 (Missile Launcher) 9 (Lascannon)
36-55 You are trained with a Lasgun and Frag Grenades, and given Flak Armor.
56-60 You are given Carapace Armor, a Shotgun, Grenades, and Melta-Bombs and then trained to be an elite grenadier.
61-65 Valkyrie Pilot
66-70 Chimera Diver
71-75 Scout Sentinel Driver
76-80 Armored Sentinel Driver
81-85 Leman Russ Tank Driver
86-90 Leman Russ Tank Gunner
91-95 Leman Russ Tank Commander
96-97 You have been selected to go to Terrax and train to be a Commissar.
98-99 An Inquisitor take you as his Acolyte.
100 An Inquisitor has decided to send you to a Shrine World to become a "comfort" to the SoB.
GreyFox555 wrote:Your have been tithed to the Imperial Guard.
Roll a D100
1 You are killed as a Heretic.
2-3 You are found to be a Psyker and sent to a Black Ship.
4-5 You given a bucket and a shovel and told to clean up after the Ogryn.
6-10 You are to be trained as an Officer.
11-15 You are handed a Lasgun, a Helmet, and a direction (forward) and become a conscript.
16-20 You are trained to operate a Vox Castor.
21-25 You are train as Sniper and given a Camo-Cloak.
26-30 You are trained with Special Weapons. Post Ending 0-2 (Flamer) 3-5 (Grenade Launcher) 6-7 (Meltagun) 8-9 (Plasma Gun)
31-35 You are trained with Heavy Weapons. Post End 0-1 (Heavy Flamer) 2-3 (Mortar) 4-5 (Heavy Bolter) 6-7 (Auto-Cannon) 8 (Missile Launcher) 9 (Lascannon)
36-55 You are trained with a Lasgun and Frag Grenades, and given Flak Armor.
56-60 You are given Carapace Armor, a Shotgun, Grenades, and Melta-Bombs and then trained to be an elite grenadier.
61-65 Valkyrie Pilot
66-70 Chimera Diver
71-75 Scout Sentinel Driver
76-80 Armored Sentinel Driver
81-85 Leman Russ Tank Driver
86-90 Leman Russ Tank Gunner
91-95 Leman Russ Tank Commander
96-97 You have been selected to go to Terrax and train to be a Commissar.
98-99 An Inquisitor take you as his Acolyte.
100 An Inquisitor has decided to send you to a Shrine World to become a "comfort" to the SoB.
It means squad broken making them easier to kill and less effective at shooting. In the game that many guardsmen would wreck two space marines and the dreads behind them.
GreyFox555 wrote:Your have been tithed to the Imperial Guard.
Roll a D100
1 You are killed as a Heretic.
2-3 You are found to be a Psyker and sent to a Black Ship.
4-5 You given a bucket and a shovel and told to clean up after the Ogryn.
6-10 You are to be trained as an Officer.
11-15 You are handed a Lasgun, a Helmet, and a direction (forward) and become a conscript.
16-20 You are trained to operate a Vox Castor.
21-25 You are train as Sniper and given a Camo-Cloak.
26-30 You are trained with Special Weapons. Post Ending 0-2 (Flamer) 3-5 (Grenade Launcher) 6-7 (Meltagun) 8-9 (Plasma Gun)
31-35 You are trained with Heavy Weapons. Post End 0-1 (Heavy Flamer) 2-3 (Mortar) 4-5 (Heavy Bolter) 6-7 (Auto-Cannon) 8 (Missile Launcher) 9 (Lascannon)
36-55 You are trained with a Lasgun and Frag Grenades, and given Flak Armor.
56-60 You are given Carapace Armor, a Shotgun, Grenades, and Melta-Bombs and then trained to be an elite grenadier.
61-65 Valkyrie Pilot
66-70 Chimera Diver
71-75 Scout Sentinel Driver
76-80 Armored Sentinel Driver
81-85 Leman Russ Tank Driver
86-90 Leman Russ Tank Gunner
91-95 Leman Russ Tank Commander
96-97 You have been selected to go to Terrax and train to be a Commissar.
98-99 An Inquisitor take you as his Acolyte.
100 An Inquisitor has decided to send you to a Shrine World to become a "comfort" to the SoB.
Cheese Elemental wrote:But Jesus WAS arabic. It's a truth the fundamentalists don't accept.
Way off topic...but if you are insinuating that fundamentalists like Jerry Farwell believe that Jesus was a White European, then you are wrong. They know full well that Jesus was a Jew and therefore Middle Eastern.
I believe that the Bible is actually a story about the future, and that Jesus hasn't been born yet. Notice there is nothing in the Bible saying that there are not things like cars, planes, concrete, etc...
Skinnattittar wrote:I believe that the Bible is actually a story about the future, and that Jesus hasn't been born yet. Notice there is nothing in the Bible saying that there are not things like cars, planes, concrete, etc...
There is also nothing in the Bible that says you may not Roll a 1+ and win Life. The Bible is like the 40k Rulebook, it only tells you what you can do! </rabble rabble rabble>
As for the whole "Jesus was t3h Arab thing", Sadly 51+% of people you ask (especially if they are very vocal e.g. Evangelist) will probably tell you Jesus was white. I know from living in Ireland that is what a lot of people I know anyway tend to think, and being of Jewish Blood myself (Albeit one of Russian Cossack Decent), it gets annoying.
Skinnattittar wrote:I believe that the Bible is actually a story about the future, and that Jesus hasn't been born yet. Notice there is nothing in the Bible saying that there are not things like cars, planes, concrete, etc...
There is also nothing in the Bible that says you may not Roll a 1+ and win Life. The Bible is like the 40k Rulebook, it only tells you what you can do! </rabble rabble rabble>
As for the whole "Jesus was t3h Arab thing", Sadly 51+% of people you ask (especially if they are very vocal e.g. Evangelist) will probably tell you Jesus was white. I know from living in Ireland that is what a lot of people I know anyway tend to think, and being of Jewish Blood myself (Albeit one of Russian Cossack Decent), it gets annoying.
I think that has more to do with conditioning than anything else. Consider that people depict things in familiar ways (e.i.: looks like them and/or places they know) it is not surprising that western depictions of Jesus is as a white person. In Asia, Jesus is Asian, in old African Christian cultures, he is black. People see this most of their lives and just get used to it, and that is the way it is for them, despite logical reasoning. It is a good thing, on some levels, people are more likely to listen to someone they feel they can understand, and people understand people who are like themselves, in looks, background, culture, etc... However, having Jewish ancestry myself, I am a bit offended when people ignore the major parts of the bible where it talks about Jesus being Jewish and say he was Christian. A chicken is beget by and egg!
Actually it was more of lack of knowledge. The Bible doesn't go into so much detail as to describe small details like dress, and in many occasions terrain, in ways that someone who has never seen or otherwise had described such things to them. It would be like me asking someone to paint a picture of the Mona Lisa who had never seen it before, and all I told them was that it was a painting of a woman with a smile.
It is a major misconception that people in the ol' days were dim, or stupid. They weren't in fact they were just as smart as people are today (whom is subjectively dim and stupid, I know, but bear with me, if you would). They just did not have the ease of information we do. Every village and Kingdom pretty much had to figure everything on their own, it would be like asking someone with no conception of Mathematics to build to indefinite differentials. That was something that took several generations of Mathematicians hundreds of years to get to. Remember, nobody even knew the results of their paths! They were just flying blind and trying to make sure what they were doing was right!
Skinnattittar wrote:Actually it was more of lack of knowledge. The Bible doesn't go into so much detail as to describe small details like dress, and in many occasions terrain, in ways that someone who has never seen or otherwise had described such things to them. It would be like me asking someone to paint a picture of the Mona Lisa who had never seen it before, and all I told them was that it was a painting of a woman with a smile.
It is a major misconception that people in the ol' days were dim, or stupid. They weren't in fact they were just as smart as people are today (whom is subjectively dim and stupid, I know, but bear with me, if you would). They just did not have the ease of information we do. Every village and Kingdom pretty much had to figure everything on their own, it would be like asking someone with no conception of Mathematics to build to indefinite differentials. That was something that took several generations of Mathematicians hundreds of years to get to. Remember, nobody even knew the results of their paths! They were just flying blind and trying to make sure what they were doing was right!
Shaddap, I dont want to talk about religion I want to talk about SPESS MAHREENZ!!!!!!1!1!!! HURR!!!!1111!
Or failing that, the discussion of Litko aerosystems wonderous space corridors and industrial towers
Also, I didnt notice it before, but in the Unreal Tournament one with the Space Marine, it appears that the corpse on the ground right behind the SM belongs to Master Chief (Halo)
GreyFox555 wrote:Your have been tithed to the Imperial Guard.
Roll a D100
1 You are killed as a Heretic.
2-3 You are found to be a Psyker and sent to a Black Ship.
4-5 You given a bucket and a shovel and told to clean up after the Ogryn.
6-10 You are to be trained as an Officer.
11-15 You are handed a Lasgun, a Helmet, and a direction (forward) and become a conscript.
16-20 You are trained to operate a Vox Castor.
21-25 You are train as Sniper and given a Camo-Cloak.
26-30 You are trained with Special Weapons. Post Ending 0-2 (Flamer) 3-5 (Grenade Launcher) 6-7 (Meltagun) 8-9 (Plasma Gun)
31-35 You are trained with Heavy Weapons. Post End 0-1 (Heavy Flamer) 2-3 (Mortar) 4-5 (Heavy Bolter) 6-7 (Auto-Cannon) 8 (Missile Launcher) 9 (Lascannon)
36-55 You are trained with a Lasgun and Frag Grenades, and given Flak Armor.
56-60 You are given Carapace Armor, a Shotgun, Grenades, and Melta-Bombs and then trained to be an elite grenadier.
61-65 Valkyrie Pilot
66-70 Chimera Diver
71-75 Scout Sentinel Driver
76-80 Armored Sentinel Driver
81-85 Leman Russ Tank Driver
86-90 Leman Russ Tank Gunner
91-95 Leman Russ Tank Commander
96-97 You have been selected to go to Terrax and train to be a Commissar.
98-99 An Inquisitor take you as his Acolyte.
100 An Inquisitor has decided to send you to a Shrine World to become a "comfort" to the SoB.
Skinnattittar wrote:Actually it was more of lack of knowledge. The Bible doesn't go into so much detail as to describe small details like dress, and in many occasions terrain, in ways that someone who has never seen or otherwise had described such things to them. It would be like me asking someone to paint a picture of the Mona Lisa who had never seen it before, and all I told them was that it was a painting of a woman with a smile.
It is a major misconception that people in the ol' days were dim, or stupid. They weren't in fact they were just as smart as people are today (whom is subjectively dim and stupid, I know, but bear with me, if you would). They just did not have the ease of information we do. Every village and Kingdom pretty much had to figure everything on their own, it would be like asking someone with no conception of Mathematics to build to indefinite differentials. That was something that took several generations of Mathematicians hundreds of years to get to. Remember, nobody even knew the results of their paths! They were just flying blind and trying to make sure what they were doing was right!
Shaddap, I dont want to talk about religion I want to talk about SPESS MAHREENZ!!!!!!1!1!!! HURR!!!!1111!
Or failing that, the discussion of Litko aerosystems wonderous space corridors and industrial towers
QFT.
On that note, does anyone know where I can buy a set of space corridors? Oh, and maybe some industrial towers too.
Have they been burned by plasma guns, run over by a land raider redeemer, chopped up by biker nobs, scorched into goo by dark eldar flamers, or otherwise fisted, rended, swept up, or shot to pieces?
What if you couldn't tell the difference? Your tyranids may look fine on the outside, but what about on the inside? Has a crafty previous owner painted over broken pieces, horrible paint jobs, bad greenstuffing, unclipped mold lines, chipped, damaged, bent or warped pieces? Did you get older edition models when you expecting new ones, or a converted lictor using a warrior body and genestealer parts instead of that REAL lictor you always searched for.
Help is here.
Before your buy tyranids come talk to Carnifex! Carnifex tyranid history reports.
Carnifex checks for everything from embedded kroot rifle shot and guass effect evidence to bad conversions and model mistreatment. Don't buy models that are on running on their final days. Get tyranids that you can rely on!
Never buy tyranids without a carnifex tyranid history report!
I got the idea from Carfax Car History Reports! Never buy a car without a carfax car history report.
http://www.carfax.com/
I want to photoshop a carnifex with a top hat and monocle using his scything talons to pick through paperwork on a desk with a little gold sign that says "Carnifex" on the top of the desk. Maybe a potted plant and a bookshelf in the background. Oh, and a pencil holder, with pencils in it... yeah, that would rock.
My Whirwinds fire funny. They can't seem to hit anything and on the off chance they do it's bounced off. My techpriests says everything is running fine and the ammo has been properly blessed but I'm not convinced.
My Whirwinds fire funny. They can't seem to hit anything and on the off chance they do it's bounced off. My techpriests says everything is running fine and the ammo has been properly blessed but I'm not convinced.
My Whirwinds fire funny. They can't seem to hit anything and on the off chance they do it's bounced off. My techpriests says everything is running fine and the ammo has been properly blessed but I'm not convinced.
Since when do SM even use artillery
When they need to blow up something in dangerous terrain outside LOS?
chaplaingrabthar wrote:Just because of the oblique references:
There once was a Black and White Space Marine on a Black and White bike, and being the hero type person he was, wanted to marry the Chapter Master's daughter.
So he went up to the palace and the guard naturally enquired "Who goes there?", to which he replied "I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike and I want to marry the commander's daughter".
"Not *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike?" asked the guard, with a not unconsiderable amount of awe in his voice.
"Yes, I'm *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike."
So the guard ordered him arrested and later executed for being in such a boring story.
The end
Fixed to how everyone wishes it went considering how much we all hate it
GreyFox555 wrote:Your have been tithed to the Imperial Guard.
Roll a D100
1 You are killed as a Heretic.
2-3 You are found to be a Psyker and sent to a Black Ship.
4-5 You given a bucket and a shovel and told to clean up after the Ogryn.
6-10 You are to be trained as an Officer.
11-15 You are handed a Lasgun, a Helmet, and a direction (forward) and become a conscript.
16-20 You are trained to operate a Vox Castor.
21-25 You are train as Sniper and given a Camo-Cloak.
26-30 You are trained with Special Weapons. Post Ending 0-2 (Flamer) 3-5 (Grenade Launcher) 6-7 (Meltagun) 8-9 (Plasma Gun)
31-35 You are trained with Heavy Weapons. Post End 0-1 (Heavy Flamer) 2-3 (Mortar) 4-5 (Heavy Bolter) 6-7 (Auto-Cannon) 8 (Missile Launcher) 9 (Lascannon)
36-55 You are trained with a Lasgun and Frag Grenades, and given Flak Armor.
56-60 You are given Carapace Armor, a Shotgun, Grenades, and Melta-Bombs and then trained to be an elite grenadier.
61-65 Valkyrie Pilot
66-70 Chimera Diver
71-75 Scout Sentinel Driver
76-80 Armored Sentinel Driver
81-85 Leman Russ Tank Driver
86-90 Leman Russ Tank Gunner
91-95 Leman Russ Tank Commander
96-97 You have been selected to go to Terrax and train to be a Commissar.
98-99 An Inquisitor take you as his Acolyte.
100 An Inquisitor has decided to send you to a Shrine World to become a "comfort" to the SoB.
Automatically Appended Next Post: And I don't like your sig. The words are to small and they hert my eyes.
Make them bigger and more spaced and then I will agrea with you.
1 You are killed as a Heretic.
2-3 You are found to be a Psyker and sent to a Black Ship.
4-5 You given a bucket and a shovel and told to clean up after the Ogryn.
6-10 You are to be trained as an Officer.
11-15 You are handed a Lasgun, a Helmet, and a direction (forward) and become a conscript.
16-20 You are trained to operate a Vox Castor.
21-25 You are train as Sniper and given a Camo-Cloak.
26-30 You are trained with Special Weapons. Post Ending 0-2 (Flamer) 3-5 (Grenade Launcher) 6-7 (Meltagun) 8-9 (Plasma Gun)
31-35 You are trained with Heavy Weapons. Post End 0-1 (Heavy Flamer) 2-3 (Mortar) 4-5 (Heavy Bolter) 6-7 (Auto-Cannon) 8 (Missile Launcher) 9 (Lascannon)
36-55 You are trained with a Lasgun and Frag Grenades, and given Flak Armor.
56-60 You are given Carapace Armor, a Shotgun, Grenades, and Melta-Bombs and then trained to be an elite grenadier.
61-65 Valkyrie Pilot
66-70 Chimera Diver
71-75 Scout Sentinel Driver
76-80 Armored Sentinel Driver
81-85 Leman Russ Tank Driver
86-90 Leman Russ Tank Gunner
91-95 Leman Russ Tank Commander
96-97 You have been selected to go to Terrax and train to be a Commissar.
98-99 An Inquisitor take you as his Acolyte.
100 An Inquisitor has decided to send you to a Shrine World to become a "comfort" to the SoB.
I rolled an 84. The second time, I rolled an 81. I must REALLY want to be a Leman Russ driver.
MasticatorDeelux wrote:Your have been tithed to the Imperial Guard.
Roll a D100
1 You are killed as a Heretic.
2-3 You are found to be a Psyker and sent to a Black Ship.
4-5 You given a bucket and a shovel and told to clean up after the Ogryn.
6-10 You are to be trained as an Officer.
11-15 You are handed a Lasgun, a Helmet, and a direction (forward) and become a conscript.
16-20 You are trained to operate a Vox Castor.
21-25 You are train as Sniper and given a Camo-Cloak.
26-30 You are trained with Special Weapons. Post Ending 0-2 (Flamer) 3-5 (Grenade Launcher) 6-7 (Meltagun) 8-9 (Plasma Gun)
31-35 You are trained with Heavy Weapons. Post End 0-1 (Heavy Flamer) 2-3 (Mortar) 4-5 (Heavy Bolter) 6-7 (Auto-Cannon) 8 (Missile Launcher) 9 (Lascannon)
36-55 You are trained with a Lasgun and Frag Grenades, and given Flak Armor.
56-60 You are given Carapace Armor, a Shotgun, Grenades, and Melta-Bombs and then trained to be an elite grenadier.
61-65 Valkyrie Pilot
66-70 Chimera Diver
71-75 Scout Sentinel Driver
76-80 Armored Sentinel Driver
81-85 Leman Russ Tank Driver
86-90 Leman Russ Tank Gunner
91-95 Leman Russ Tank Commander
96-97 You have been selected to go to Terrax and train to be a Commissar.
98-99 An Inquisitor take you as his Acolyte.
100 An Inquisitor has decided to send you to a Shrine World to become a "comfort" to the SoB.
I rolled an 84. The second time, I rolled an 81. I must REALLY want to be a Leman Russ driver.
I gave it a whirl. 96 and 99. I'm a commissar working for the Inquisition... does that make me Ciaphas Cain?
MasticatorDeelux wrote:Your have been tithed to the Imperial Guard.
Roll a D100
1 You are killed as a Heretic.
2-3 You are found to be a Psyker and sent to a Black Ship.
4-5 You given a bucket and a shovel and told to clean up after the Ogryn.
6-10 You are to be trained as an Officer.
11-15 You are handed a Lasgun, a Helmet, and a direction (forward) and become a conscript.
16-20 You are trained to operate a Vox Castor.
21-25 You are train as Sniper and given a Camo-Cloak.
26-30 You are trained with Special Weapons. Post Ending 0-2 (Flamer) 3-5 (Grenade Launcher) 6-7 (Meltagun) 8-9 (Plasma Gun)
31-35 You are trained with Heavy Weapons. Post End 0-1 (Heavy Flamer) 2-3 (Mortar) 4-5 (Heavy Bolter) 6-7 (Auto-Cannon) 8 (Missile Launcher) 9 (Lascannon)
36-55 You are trained with a Lasgun and Frag Grenades, and given Flak Armor.
56-60 You are given Carapace Armor, a Shotgun, Grenades, and Melta-Bombs and then trained to be an elite grenadier.
61-65 Valkyrie Pilot
66-70 Chimera Diver
71-75 Scout Sentinel Driver
76-80 Armored Sentinel Driver
81-85 Leman Russ Tank Driver
86-90 Leman Russ Tank Gunner
91-95 Leman Russ Tank Commander
96-97 You have been selected to go to Terrax and train to be a Commissar.
98-99 An Inquisitor take you as his Acolyte.
100 An Inquisitor has decided to send you to a Shrine World to become a "comfort" to the SoB.
44, 53. Good times. Maybe I will get a promotion... *sighs*
Why does everyone think being a Guardsman is so bad? There are a billion other Guardsmen out there with you so you're never outnumbered, and you don't have to get neutered so you can tap as much hot SoB ass as you can get your hands on!
Epaminondas wrote:...and you don't have to get neutered so you can tap as much hot SoB ass as you can get your hands on!
Who says we're getting neutered? This is the 41st Millennium! I'm sure there are MORE than enough better methods of birth control that don't involve in potentially killing or rending useless such a subject as those chosen to serve the venerable Sisters of Battle in such an awesome way!
Oh, come on, if the sprues are any indication, aren't 1 in 4 guardsmen actually women anyway? So that's like a thousand times better odds than most wargamers, anyway, right?
solkan wrote:Oh, come on, if the sprues are any indication, aren't 1 in 4 guardsmen actually women anyway? So that's like a thousand times better odds than most wargamers, anyway, right?
so those poor guardsmen have it better than many of us war gamers. . . sigh,
solkan wrote:Oh, come on, if the sprues are any indication, aren't 1 in 4 guardsmen actually women anyway? So that's like a thousand times better odds than most wargamers, anyway, right?
wait a tic, there's female guards(wo)men? wierd. i've only ever seen male models.
Gwar! wrote:Not to mention SoB are all Celibate Closet Lesbians anyway
Point of fact, fluffwise they don't take a vow of celibacy. And, come to think of it, if Uriel Ventris' grandfather or something was killed at the defense of the polar fortress, wouldn't that mean that Space Marines get laid too?
Gwar! wrote:Not to mention SoB are all Celibate Closet Lesbians anyway
Point of fact, fluffwise they don't take a vow of celibacy. And, come to think of it, if Uriel Ventris' grandfather or something was killed at the defense of the polar fortress, wouldn't that mean that Space Marines get laid too?
Or his Granddad could have been a very sexy 13 year old (since that's the only possible way for a Space Marine to have kids, to have them before he was transformed). And yes, I know they don't take a vow, it was a joke because they are Nuns.
solkan wrote:Oh, come on, if the sprues are any indication, aren't 1 in 4 guardsmen actually women anyway? So that's like a thousand times better odds than most wargamers, anyway, right?
wait a tic, there's female guards(wo)men? wierd. i've only ever seen male models.
(i think that last bit came out a bit wrong)
Well, it looks like I may have gotten everyone's hopes (or other things) up without warrant. The Dark Elf, Dark Eldar, and Eldar sprues are all one obviously female torso per four torsos, but it looks like that ratio isn't present in the IG sprues.
On the other hand, I'm sure that there are all sorts of indecent jokes and stories which one could produce if one is willing to accept women driving the tanks and transports. And besides, every time someone talks about female guard squads is a time that they didn't talk about female space marine squads.
Well, considering that Female Guard Regiments are not uncommon, I don't see why we wouldn't be talking about them. You think the Imperium will give a toss if you have tits or not? Of course not! Give you a lasgun anyway and send you to the grinder.
Ciaphas Cain HERO OF THE IMPERIUM has a great description of an all female and all male regiment being amalgamated into a mixed one
I have modeled female tank commanders in the past to represent female crews. I briefly considered making my own female Cadian Guardsmen, made one, then decided against it. It is just too much work and although looks different, on the table it is barely noticeable unless you either exaggerate the heck out of the female features and in a squad that will draw attention to the models (like there is one in the Guard), or by doing a whole bunch of them! At least that's from my design. I have seen others that are done better.
How does this happen?
plasma cannon=strong, plasma gun=weaker but still strong
multi-melta==strong,meltagun= weaker but still strong
heavy famer=strong,flamer=weaker but still strong
heavy bolter=strong,bolter=weaker but still stronh
lascannon= uber badass,=lasgun= pitiful and pathetic
Because each thing you listed apart from the Las weaponry fires the same ammo, just different amounts.
Lasguns fire low energy lasers. Lascannons are like the LHC.
Not to mention Lasguns are the only thing they can still mass produce. Because its mass produced, it wont be as strong as its much harder to make lascannon.
sugna the repairible wrote:AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
My overactive imagination just gave me waking nightmares!
Demons are bad enough but... the sisters...AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAgh.. help!
Automatically Appended Next Post: On another, safer topic, I declare that I HATE TURTLE PIE!
As a fromer member of the church of the turtle pie (it was killed not long ago) I burn you as a heretic! *flamed*
What is the Difference between Citadel Games Warhammer 40,000 Miniatures and Benzoylmethyl Ecgonine, a crystalline tropane alkaloid that is obtained from the leaves of the coca plant?
To obtain a dosage of Benzoylmethyl Ecgonine requires the expenditure of less currency than to get an equivalent amount of Citadel Miniatures.
ShadowRocket wrote:This thread still needs more 40k humor
And lo, she would kick thy ass with her hello kitty dreadnought and her army of female space marines, in hot pink terminator armor. And thou wouldst be shamed except that thou wouldst run away first, fear of the dread cooties striking at your souls.
sugna the repairible wrote:AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! My overactive imagination just gave me waking nightmares! Demons are bad enough but... the sisters...AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAgh.. help!
Automatically Appended Next Post: On another, safer topic, I declare that I HATE TURTLE PIE!
I, as the Third Saint of Turtle Pie, declare you a Heretic. Fetch the flamers, brothers. We haven't had to burn someone in a long time.
sugna the repairible wrote:AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
My overactive imagination just gave me waking nightmares!
Demons are bad enough but... the sisters...AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAgh.. help!
Automatically Appended Next Post: On another, safer topic, I declare that I HATE TURTLE PIE!
As Interrogator Chaplain of the aforementioned Holy Church of the Turtle Pie, I must regret to inform my brethren that they can not burn the heretic just yet. First I must make him repent.
Ketara wrote:In Soviet Russia, heretic declares you Saint of Turtle Pie!
On a side note, anyone know where I can buy some industrial towers and space corridors?
YOU HERETIC LISTEN TO THE QUOTE BELOW!
LoboFuego wrote:I believe space corridors and industrial towers can be found at Litko Aerosystems
......but i may be mistaken
And you... don't get me started on you....
Just kidding, you are quite right it is Litko Aerosystems that provides space towers and industrial corridors... er... space corridors and industrial towers.
Thou cannot burn what You cant reach. Forces of chaos unite! (except nurgle because he gets the pie so we don't like him in our group.) Also, Disjointed Entity, I like your pic. And to all the so called saints, (your talking to a Roman Catholic here,) I defie you for I will have Kharn turn you all in to corpses. I meet him he doesn't like pie OR turtles so you guys are in trouble.
sugna the repairible wrote:Thou cannot burn what You cant reach. Forces of chaos unite! (except nurgle because he gets the pie so we don't like him in our group.)
Also, Disjointed Entity, I like your pic. And to all the so called saints, (your talking to a Roman Catholic here,) I defie you for I will have Kharn turn you all in to corpses. I meet him he doesn't like pie OR turtles so you guys are in trouble.
Ah, but we have Chuck Norris and Mr. T.
Kharn the betrayer pales in comparison to the two guardians of the pie.
sugna the repairible wrote:NOT EVEN A TITAN CAN KILL KHARN, (how can chuck norris fight his evil twin?)
He doesn't. They absorb each other and the world implodes then is rebirthed as Planet Chuck. The universe is then destroyed, unless Chuck decrees otherwise.
Her 6'8" 395 pound man-thing slobbering over his pierced jackfaced look-at-my-boobies-with-tats shemale-and-I-shaved-my-hump woman...
Well, I crushed her Dark Eldar but I think she won a prize anyway.
"I have a Wych Army and I..."
"I have a Biel-Tan Howling Banshee/Wraithlord list. You are so dead."
"........"
yep i played a girl at warhammer once, i didnt even know it was a girl for the first half hour though, short hair and flat, looked just like a guy, and i was too embarressed to ask which gender she was, then at the end of the tournie, i went over and asked a referee and he goes, that was a girl, and im "OMG i just stood there talking to a girl about the ethics of necrons without even realising" i was stupid then
yep i played a girl at warhammer once, i didnt even know it was a girl for the first half hour though, short hair and flat, looked just like a guy, and i was too embarressed to ask which gender she was, then at the end of the tournie, i went over and asked a referee and he goes, that was a girl, and im "OMG i just stood there talking to a girl about the ethics of necrons without even realising" i was stupid then
Ethics of necrons?
Kill quickly? Eat the soul in a Enviromentally friendly manner?
Anyway I saw a couple of girls at a club, only went there once, but I heard they'd (mabye with help ) built the whole of Minas Tirith and painted a few Mumakil.
I don't know about gaming but they seemed pretty keen on that kind of stuff.
I have two attractive female friends who play, but they're reluctant to go to the local store. Mainly because one of the store workers never raises his eyes above chest level(since they're both curvy E cups), and the dreaded, 'fanboy smell'.
Yeah, lets make the topic of "Female Games" its own thread, Is that ok MODS? or am I alone on this since I have only seen two or three of thier kind. No mean or cruelty at all to any one its just that I'm never gone on a date (anti aircraft style shot down 10/10) and respectall round.
I have two attractive female friends who play, but they're reluctant to go to the local store. Mainly because one of the store workers never raises his eyes above chest level(since they're both curvy E cups), and the dreaded, 'fanboy smell'.
I have two attractive female friends who play, but they're reluctant to go to the local store. Mainly because one of the store workers never raises his eyes above chest level(since they're both curvy E cups), and the dreaded, 'fanboy smell'.
Yeah, I hear Vin Diesel, when he's not playing D&D with porn star super models on top of a pile of money, has to fight off swarms of his one time companions when he takes his new party to the game store...
I wish I was a good looking, rich, and famous nerd... *sigh*
The first picture isn't a guy in costume. Look at the hips. If a guy that big stood with his legs that wide apart, he'd be in excessive amount of pain.
Either that or the old lady is really, really small, and provides a really bad level of comparison.
THE LONGEST 40K JOKE LIST EVER!
Brought to you by boss SNIKROT
And now, these are all jokes about 40k universe I could find. You can blame yourselves for this, it's your jokes that set me on this cruise course. Prepare for... THE JOKE BOMBING!
How many Space Wolves does it tak to screw in a lightbulb?
A full chapter, one to hold the lightbuld, and 999 to turn the battle barge.
-What do you call a lasgun with a laser sight? Twin Linked.
The Imperial Guard doesn't need cover, they ARE cover!
"a simpe 3 lettre wurd. beer" - Thor Thundercaller
The Top Ten List why DA are cooler then IF:
The Top Ten List: Dark Angels VS. Imperial Fists
Reason #10
Dark Angels wear nifty GREEN armor; Imperial Fists wear YELLOW - 'nuff said!
Reason #9
Unlike Primarch Rogal Dorn of the Imperial Fists, Dark Angel Primarch Lion el'Jonson never had his ass kicked by Primarch Perturabo of Iron Warriors.
Reason #8
Unlike Primarch Rogal Dorn of Imperial Fists, Dark Angel Primarch Lion el'Jonson never had his ass kicked by Primarch Night Haunter of Night Lords (do we see a trend here?).
Reason #7
When the Emperor had to have one of his Legions stay behind and guard Earth while the others traveled the Galaxy gaining fame and glory, Rogal Dorn jumped up and down shouting "Pick Me, Pick Me?I'll do it?"
Reason #6
Never had to have ass saved by Ultramarines, unlike the Imperial Fists after being pinned down for months by the Iron Warriors.
Reason #5
Dark Angels have the greatest victory record of all the Emperor's Legions. Imperial Fists are 0-1-1 (no recorded victories, lost to Iron Warriors and they like to call the defense of Earth a "Draw").
Reason #4
Lion el'Jonson fought Leman Russ toe-to-toe for a day with neither Primarch besting the other. Rogal Dorn would have used the famous "Play Dead and Run Away" tactic.
Reason #3
Dark Angels have lots of nifty special items like the Sword of Secrets; what were the Imperial Fists things again?can't seem to remember?
Reason #2
Dark Angels would have NEVER screwed up the defense of Earth and got everyone killed. And where exactly was Rogal Dorn when everyone else attacked Horus?.
And?.
Reason #1
Did I mention the YELLOW armor?
TOP TEN USES FOR SQUAD BANNERS
#10, MARCHING: When marching into the sun the first three men in column behind the sergeant are well shaded...
#9, OUT NUMBERED: When outnumbered you can give every man a banner. Space them 25' apart and march them in the open (as far from the enemy as possible) while kicking up a lot of dust. Your company will look like an entire Chapter...
#8, DICIPLINE: Warn unruly young Marines that if they don't straigten up you will make them wear the "Combat Magnet" in battle for a day.
#7, RECRUITING: You can attach a basketball hoop to the pole when recruiting in inner-city areas. Or, detach the pole and rig it for bass-fishing when recruiting in rural areas...
#6, TRENCH COMBAT: When defending a trenchline you can place the company standard in the center of your trench with squad banners spaced 25' apart on either side. When the enemy takes position faceing your "company", hit them in the flanks from the woods...
#5, DESERT COMBAT: Stick banner poles in the sand.. 25' apart... Then hide. When the enemy discovers this, first they will assume your company is wiped out. Then they will march an extra day to go around the quick-sand.
#4, ARCTIC COMBAT: Same as Desert Combat except the enemy will march an extra day to go around the frozen lake.
#3, URBAN COMBAT: Place banners on extra long poles. While the enemy is shooting holes in the walls just below the 3rd floor window... shoot them from the first floor window.
#2 R&R: At all Imperial amusment parks Sergeant's may count the banner pole when they get to the "You must be this tall to ride" sign before each ride...
AND THE #1 USE FOR SQUAD BANNERS IS....
Arguing over who has the longest "Banner Pole" at the NCO's club.
...the treasure is the posts from Lastie which are hellarious storylines on what it would be like if the Chaos Primarchs got together at a bar. Skattered throughout the thread are at least 7 of these short stories 
time ten times ten!=100!
boss SNIKROT