Granted. It becomes extremely popular with Kanye West, who releases the first of his 47 albums of Hiphop/gospel remakes, The Beatles Greatest hits. Nas freestyles extra lyrics on Eleanor Rigby.

I wish to write a novel.

Granted, you are possessed by the essence of Matt Ward to make a new black library book, which GW likes, and all the OP marine stuff gets shoehorned into the new codex.

I wish my dwarves in dwarf fortress would build that wall that exposes us to the outside world instead of moving a bunch of boulders around.

Granted! ...they do so having forgotten about the other walls they just built, trapping them all inside. (This is the bit where I pretend to know enough about Dwarf Fortress that I say, "oh and they've run out of shovels or whatever, so they can't just break the wall down again.")

I wish the person I'm covering at work would just hurry up and come back from their leave already!

Granted, he was gone because he was being promoted to a higher position and is now your boss, and apparently he didn't like you, so YOUR FIRED.
(ps, dwarves in DF use pickaxes to mine, and pickaxes don't break from what I know, and I don't think they need any special tools to break down walls)
I wish more people knew what dwarf fortress was.

Granted. The game, forums, fan pages, and mods are all flooded by a horde of 8-y/o kids coming from Minecraft.

I wish I knew to play the piano.

Granted, you play so much, that by the end of the year, you are deaf, have severe arthritis, and haven't eaten in days, and are close to dehydration.
(on another note, the thought of DF being flooded by 8 year olds is a horrifying proposition)
I wish I owned a squig.

Pregranted.
I mailed you several last page.. remember?

Misclicking Ork's wish was devoured by the box of squigs he got sent. His wounds will heal in time, but the embarrassment will last a while longer.

I wish the poison Ivy in my yard would stay dead.

Granted, hope you like undead poison ivy.

I wish I could just send people the “circus”, where they can meet the “clowns” (DF thing, look on the wiki)

Granted. It happened, and Misclicking ork lived happily ever after. Inconveniently for him, his happiness lasted for about about 2 weeks, before he won the Darwin award.

I wish the court system were replaced by pistol duels.

Granted, and as soon as it is implemented, there are people coming out of the woodwork to challenge you because you may have done some transgression against them a decade ago that they never forgave you for, and the chances of surviving are slim.

I wish the position of president of my country was decided in a drinking competition.

Granted. It was won by an old, poorly educated Siberian coal miner who has a portrait of Stalin tattoed over his whole back.

I wish I could drive around in a tank.

Granted, you failed to specify what type of tank you wanted, so we made a fish tank into a go-cart for you, enjoy!

I wish the shifty winged ers known as wasps would stop trying to invade my house.

Granted - they stop trying, because they have now fully succeeded. You can't step through a doorway without bashing your head on a hive and getting stung repeatedly.

I wish a Krispy Kreme doughnut just appeared in front of me, right now, for me to eat.

Granted. It is a failed scientific experiment and the doughnut randomly phases in and out of realspace and teleports around. You hardly know it's the last place of materialization was inside the undereducated Siberian coal miner's filthy fridge, and before it bathed in the Ganga river for a while.

I wish I was offered a red pill to swallow.

Granted. It's red couloured cyanide.

I wish for a cat.

Granted. One night you hear a loud rumbling, scratching, and crashing noises as a CAT slowly plows through your living room.

I wish it was raining.

Granted, many have asked for this wish before, and you also made the same mistake of not specifying what type of rain you want, so I hope you enjoy a rain of all the previous wish receivers, plus added lava and lemon juice, enjoy!

I wish that dark matter was proven to be false goth-hippy propaganda used in recruitment drives.

Granted. It was also "proven" the pyramids were built by the aliens, and the USA is now struck with mass hysteria and even more rioting, looting, burning, and murdering. The rest of the world stays calm, as they believe what real scientists say.

I wish Kim Jong Un became the new US president.

Granted, due to him being so drunk with power and nukes, he launches nuclear genocide upon the world, and as nuclear winter sets in, human life only exists in isolated pockets destined to die out.

I wish this stupidity that seems to plague the world would just stop.

Granted. We've removed all the controversial and/or impulsive people. Sorry you didn't make the cut.

I wish to remove all the pollution from Earth's atmosphere

Granted, what a pollutant is is decided by a crazy environmentalist who probably knows nothing about what he is talking about, and now you have to live in a world with no carbon dioxide, which means oxygen producers suffocate, which means oxygen users suffocate as well, which means the end of humanity.

I wish there was a clean renewable source of energy that didn't release toxic chemicals when expired/kill birds flying in the air/dam up rivers, and nuclear power, although mostly safe, does not count as renewable.

Granted. Thousands of people, including you, are chained to exercise bikes and forced to pedal and turn a generator 12 hours a day under a threat of beating.

I wish all people were smart.

Granted, now that people are smart, everything is out of business due to cheap marketing no longer working, nobody has jobs, and many are dead, but at least people know how to grow food now, and how to do calculus.

I wish good comedy was easy to find.

Granted. You became dumb. Dumb people find cheap and bad comedy funnier than smart people.

I wish pretty girls find me more attractive.

Granted. Pretty girls are all too disturbed by the fact that they can feel themselves being, quite literally, magnetically pulled towards you when in close proximity. Their only recourse is to run far, far away.

I wish there were a triple-combination peanut butter, chocolate and jam spread I could use for sandwiches.

Granted. The jam is made from Miracle Berry and the sandwich tastes like week old tuna salad.

I wish I had an angel.

For one moment of love, you have an angel tonight. Then they stab you in the face and fly off.

(1, (one), internet cookie if you get the reference)

I wish I had remembered to get my work schedule for next week before I left today.

 ChaoticMind wrote:
For one moment of love, you have an angel tonight. Then they stab you in the face and fly off.

(1, (one), internet cookie if you get the reference)

I wish I had remembered to get my work schedule for next week before I left today.

Great minds, same gutter.

Granted. You did remember but left it sitting on the table in the breakroom. It got tossed when the next person cleared the table.

I wish for Ice cream.

Granted. The Ice cream is hidden inside the Dark Chest of Wonders. Nobody has the key, though.

I wish to fly higher.

Granted, Icarus! You're just going to love these wax wings.

I wish to dig deeper.

Granted. You managed to dig so deep you found Misclicking Ork's dwarf fortress. You are his best friend now, and he calls you 5 times a day.

I wish to look further.

Granted, as you stare off into the distance, you see such beauty in the stars, that you eventually die of exposure or dehydration.

I wish for a metal bawks

Granted. You are inside the Bawks It is shrinking, shrinking, shrinking...

I wish for a giant cookie...

Granted, it is so large, it becomes a tourist attraction, and the government decides to make it a national monument, so no eating it.

I wish I had more of those jalapeno potato chips.

Granted - you can't get to the chips though, on account of them being allupinyo' potatoes.

I wish for the next comment to contain at least one food-based pun.

Granted. The chips are down.

I wish to return triumphant.

Granted. Before you returned, you ventured on a quest of robbing a wheelchair-bound child of their lollipop.

I wish to become a legend everybody knows, and nobody will forget for centuries...

Granted, you attain this status by painfully surviving every known form of cancer for over a decade before you die, and you are remembered for this feat... and then the future news somehow makes you out to be a [whatever people dislike in the future].

I wish some of the more deserving forum game threads got some attention.

Granted. The attention mainly comes from people fascinated by the toxic flame wars that have broken out on each one.

I wish for lungs immune to smoke

Granted, you can breathe smoke, but you choke on air now, and you spend the rest of your miserable life as a fascination of doctors, and die a lonely, sad person.

I wish GW officially changed the UltraMarines name to the UltraSmurfs (or Space Wolves to Space Corgies if that's more your style).

Granted - you have absolutely no idea the can of worms you've opened though. After all, that makes Smurfette a Space Marine too - a FEMALE Space Marine.
Reddit just about explodes in response.

I wish for more of this absolutely wonderful Apple Pie Kit-Kat that I'm eating.

Granted. All food you put into your mouth gets transformed into Apple Pie Kit-Kat. Within a year, you are known as the most morbidly obese man that ever existed.

I wish I could understand what horses say.

Granted, as you listen to them, you hear many hurtful and blasphemous words come from their mouths, and you are in such shock of things such as what the pony has to say about the little girl ridding it, that you suffer from a simultaneous heart attack and (somehow, the science doesn't fit) stroke.

I wish to have 2000 Kit-Kats.

Granted. Due to a typo on the order form, you get 2000 kits to make the characters from the recent version of Cats.

I wish my new puppy was a little less hyperactive.

Granted, due to the lack of hyperactivity, your dog grows up to be an obese thing that can't move and dies young.

I wish that Cats movie was never made.

Granted. Instead, a movie called Catties is made. A vile, abominable, extra heretical, and purgeworthy combination of (already heretical) Cuties, and (slightly less heretical) Cats.

I wish the city of Zootopia was a real thing.

Granted. Bonus, you live there and have a job at the local lab. You are also a Guinea Pig.

I wish people would stop telling me how to play my characters.

Granted, they now tell you how to do other things, such as how to eat breath, and after a while it is more annoying than what you had before.

I wish I had a third eye.

Granted. Its between your buttcheeks. At least you'll always know the quality of your bowel movements.

I wish to double my savings.

Granted. It, too, is between Misclicking ork's buttcheeks. ...that's gotta be painful.

I wish for a pro-painted Tyranids army that isn't between anyone's buttcheeks.

Granted. It fell out as he was taking a dump and is now clogging the sewer.

I wish I had some peanuts to munch on.

Granted, there were also a few peanut bugs in the mix, and on top of eating such a horrible tasting thing, you also happen to be allergic to peanut bugs, so enjoy.

I wish I could find my cutters (is that what you call them?).

Granted. They've melded with an exacto knife to form the worlds first and most murderous Pokemon.

I wish I was independently wealthy

Granted. You are independently wealthy for unstable Subsaharan Africa regions. Enjoy your mud hut, dirty plastic barrel, old Toyota, AK-47, and a few agricultural tools.

I wish everybody in the world was equally equal.

Granted, everyone becomes an exact clone of each other with the same knowledge and interests, with the same amount of wealth and health problems. Unfortunately the man everyone is now based on was an incompetent, poor, psychopath with nearly every debilitating disease out there, and who enjoys torturing people.

I wish for the Eldar line to get updated.

Granted! The only real "update" to the line is the names. The race is now called the "El-derr". Units are renamed as well and among them are the "Howling Buttcheeks"...their shrieks are now a bit more baritone, smelly and rumbly, "Rakeguard"...their weapons consist of multi-pronged appendages that don't cause much damage but work wonders cleaning up the battlefield debris, etc. and their leaders have been "updated" as well...there's "Phoenix Lord Friggin'-A" whose giant butane lighter goes up in the air and ignites every time he hears a tasty jam and gets him screaming "Friggin' A!", also "I lick Picklespear" who smells oddly similiar to a New York deli and is never seen going into combat without at least two dozen jars of dill pickle spears dangling from his armor. Enjoy, they'll be a blast to paint up!

I wish for my son to be able to get back on campus and not have to worry about all this bs.

Granted, but his classmates all came in with the Bubonic Plague

I wish for a space station of my very own

Granted, you just blew ALL your money on it. Unfortunately it’s unexpectedly entered a rapidly decaying orbit and projections have it crashing in the middle of the Australian outback and the Australian government has warned you that you’ll be paying for cleanup.

I wish for moose.

Granted. Instead of a big fluffy animal, you got a noose. Fascinating, how a single silly typo can end a happy life.

I wish I could control the weather.

Granted, a war soon breaks out for control over you. North Korea wins by kidnapping you in the middle of the night.

I wish for the power to teleport my belongings across the country as needed

Granted. There is, however, a chance the inside of your bags gets displaced or switched for different things, usually pieces of building rubble, scorpions, or squeaky adult toys.

I wish to be the Master of Birds.

Granted, you are now master of birds, but some don't like that, and a massive bird civil war begins, and the rebels overthrow you, it was worth a try I guess.

I wish to get a good card when I open a pack of magic cards.

Granted, but only the back of the card is a MTG card. The front are excellent cards from Yu-Gi-Oh, Pokemon, Digimon, and a number of Hentai card games you didn't know existed.

I wish for the power to successfully annex any real estate I want, just like the federal government.

Granted. You can annex any land you desire. However, the Mineral Rights belong to me.

I wish my game room was cleaner.

Granted, and while we were at it we threw away all these tiny action figures that your too old for, as well as these toxic paints that you're too young for.

I wish it didn't always seem like it was night.

Granted. The day-night cycle is now completely randomized. with daytime changes occurring every 30 minutes. Now you can eat your lunch and go stargazing.

I wish cigarettes just stopped existing.

Granted, now people have started injecting nicotine into themselves to get a high, and other nicotine products still exist, although the pot smokers will have to start investing their weed.
(and stargazing right after eating lunch doesn't seem so bad)
I wish to have a raven familiar.

Granted, every morning it pecks out your eyes in exchange for it’s service. Every night your eyes regrow as you sleep and every time the pain of having them pecked out gets worse. It’s also says rude things to anyone you meet.

I wish for EXTERMINATUS switch.

Granted. It makes a hilarious farting noise when you press it.

I wish to double my savings

Granted, you immediately blow it all in a casino in vegas, and to pay for a plane ticket back home, you sell your kidney.

I wish to have a club sandwich with no cheese

Granted. A pair of police officers stand on either side of you and hit you with their batons.

I wish for nice weather for a few days.

Granted, being a Hooser, where we have schizophrenic weather, I have no idea what good weather is, so I'm going to give my best approximation and give you a few days of rotating 100F sunshine, and antarctic blizzard, which is probably the best weather we've ever had.

I wish for Indiana to have normal weather.

Granted. The governor of Indiana announces that they have uncovered an ancient rite that will give their state four fair seasons, neither too hot nor too cold. All it takes is exiling a random citizen to the Antarctic. You drew the lot for the first year, but at least you can watch your former friends and family enjoy the nice weather while you scrounge for food.

I wish to understand everything this dog says

Granted, you only catch a few words of the daemon summoning ritual he is performing, and you are both killed in the ensuing rampage.

I wish for America (the USA) to have some fish and chip restaurants.

Oh you poor man. The magic hit the famous Fish and Chip chain Long John Silvers. Soon all the Fish and Chip resteraunts in America are Long John Silvers. Then all the US Resteraunts. Then the rest of the worlds resteraunts are Long John Silvers.

I wish to know the Spanish language

Granted. As you wake up tomorrow in the morning and look out, you see the Union Jack flying on poles outside, and soldiers marching to "Rule Britannia" in the streets. Fish and Chips restaurants are a matter of time now.

I wish the British Empire was back again.

//Ninja'd

Darn, I forgot about long john silvers.

Because both of you responded I will corrupt both wishes.

Charger, your wish is granted, but the day after a new instant universal translator comes out, and at a cheap price, making your effort useless.

Hawky, your wish is granted, and because the British empire is back, why don't we restore the French one as well, at their territorial extent during the 1930s, oh, and they hate each other like always, and I forgot to take their nukes away, so enjoy that.

I wish to see an alternate universe where operation unthinkable happened (look it up).

Granted. It was renamed 'Operation Doable' and was an utter failure. Both times.

I wish for some awesome homemade chocolate chip cookies.

Granted, and when you are done eating them, you attempt and fail to recreate these cookies, and you waste your entire life trying to figure out what was done right, and when you finally find the answer, you die of old age before you can take a bite.

I wish to be the king of the Squigs and have a Squig army I can send to krump anyone I don’t like.

Granted. Unfortunately it turns out you don't like yourself very much and your squig army knows it. They krump you royally dead.

I wish I could make a living off mucking about in a workshop creating whatever took my fancy on any given day.

Granted - your figurative "workshop" is a stable, but the "mucking" is very literal indeed. At least you'll have plenty of "material" for your projects...

I wish my hair turns out perfect for my upcoming Halloween costume.

Granted. Your hair wins first prize. Unfortunatly, you are nowhere near when it does. After viewing it's magnificence in the mirror, your hair strikes off on it's own without you to hold it back from destiny.

I wish for victory over the leaves in my yard.

Granted. The fire ants ate them. Dear lord, that's a lot of fire ants. I'm going to go grant some other wishes while you deal with that.

I wish to own a controlling equity in all the world's major banks.

Granted, but you foolishly reply to a Nigerian Prince and bankrupt the entire world.

I wish I didn’t have to do phone shifts in my job.

Granted. After all, Mr Grotsnik... what good is a... phone shift, if you are... unable... to... speak...?



I wish to earn enough money as a pro gamer to quit my day job.

Granted. Unfortunately you didn’t read the contract, and you are solely paid in Monopoly Money, and can only play Candy Crush Saga, on the levels where there’s no chance of progressing without spending money on extra lives.

I wish mankind would sort it out, and invent safe, reliable interplanetary travel.

Granted, and we find life on other planets, not intelligent, but we find life, but unfortunately, alien diseases can apparently infect humans, and as the survivors make it back home, they take the disease with them, spelling doom for most of the human race.

I wish to king of the rats.

Granted. They love thier king. What they love, they also eat.

I wish to rest

Granted, This is an easy one, you never wake up.

I wish to have chocolate.

Granted. But it’s Hershey’s.

I wish the world wasn’t so obsessed with fame and celebrity.

Granted, TV programms are even less suferable through the lack of prominent fodder for reality TV, otoh you just granted the world a new golden age of tele advertisement.

I wish for an automatical Nuln oil supply that does magically restock after use.

Granted, but it’s constantly dispensed straight into your eyes. All. The. Time.

Wish - Beer was cheaper, but just as lovely and conforming to the same safety and quality standards.

Granted. You move over to Czechia. We have so much cheap beer you soon become an alcoholic. Just don't drink Gambrinus, it's on the same lever as Bud Light, cheap garbage beer.

I wish my country was a world superpower.

Granted. But it’s Earth’s superpower to be ignored by Frogs.

Wish. This second lockdown didn’t stop me seeing my lass and her girls for around four weeks.

Granted. The lockdown didn't stop you from seeing your lass and her girls. The police did, though, and jail bars keep you away from another attempt.

I wish I had a daughter.

Granted, but she's in the Ukraine and the child support payments are brutal. She sends you pigeon heads in the mail, or maybe that's her mother - both want you dead.

I wish for some nice pumpkin butter

GRANTED! The packaging it comes in really racist tho.

I wish I could go to a rave party this weekend.

Granted. The inmates from the local asylum invite you to their "No Meds Weekend", and even send a vehicle to pick you up.

I wish for a good cheesesteak hoagie.

Granted. But it’s given to Kanye West to eat.

I wish for the gutter press to be magically compelled into truthful, cited reporting.

Granted.... The truth is even worse than what they had been reporting.

I wish my dog would stop finding holes in the fence.

Granted. I gave him the ability to fly, which pre-empted the need for hole-finding

I wish for an bottomless bag of Chik-Fil-A chicken sandwiches.

Granted. The bag is bottomless, and all your food just landed on a particularly vile, viscous and mustard yellow Dog Egg.

I wish Reality TV never existed in any way, shape or form.

Granted, but this means you was never born because your parents met each other in a TV shop.
I would be rich.

Granted. You will be rich, but you won't be for the next 60 years.

I wish I was a real Tech-Priest in modern days.

Granted but unfortunately every IT support request gets forwarded directly to the processor where your brain used to be and now you will never escape the voices of frustrated tech users no matter how often you suggest a hard reboot.

I wish for the ability to always find the Lego brick I'm looking for within four seconds.

Granted, however you also allways fund them under your bare foot. Especially the 1 slot corner pices.

I wish to know the definitive prices for GW Christmas boxes.

Granted, you discover that GW are in fact putting a price on just the box, and that there are several collectable ones to try to buy!

I wish for the ability to talk to shrimp.

Granted, but it turns out their entire language is dedicated to calling you a speccy ginger tosspot*

I wish the wider human populace shared my deep appreciation for the various musical styles including and spun off from the Punk movement


*on the off chance this did describe you worryingly accurately, you have my sincere apologies, and I’ll gladly edit it.

Granted, but you are now only into southern gospel rock.

I wish I could leave California today and not six months from now

Granted. But you’re instantly deported back there, and have to life with Pauly Shore

I wish Hasbro would ensure better availability for G1 Transformer reissues, and work through all the original releases, at a reasonable price point, and in a way which means I too can partake without having to resort to scalpers.

Granted! But they use child slave labor to make them.

I wish it would snow...

Granted. You are transfered into the pre alps where i live. Sadly you will be forced to clear the snow every 6 Hours of the Thuja hedge with a gakky broom. Did i mention there's a lot of hedge to go around.


I wish for my municipality to salt the streets more.

Granted. Unfortunately it’s just Creaky Billy One-Leg, with a salt shaker, 24 hours a day.

I wish people could just get over the Star Wars sequels.

Granted, we've removed everything but the prequels from history. No one remembers them except yourself, however, the characters will come to you in your dreams every night and scream at you for what you did to them.

I wish for my apartment to double in size.

Granted, but it lost the connection to the gas network, to the electricity, to the sewage system, to the water supply, to the mobile phone network and you can't restore them.

I wish to be the owner of Games Workshop.

Granted. Unfortunately it’s just a web store you set up, and the real GW unleashes the legal team.

I wish the countries of the world would take climate change seriously, and agree a practical and effective way to halt and reverse it, without any damage to infrastructure.

Granted.
They will be able to reverse the climate change, starting to mass produce the photobioreactors. Unfortunately this will have the same effect on the ecosystem the Azolla Event had: a mass extinction caused by an ice age.

I wish be a movie star.

P.S. Sorry for the immediate answer, but I couldn't help myself.

Granted. You are now the star of choice for Hallmark Channel Movies. You are required by contract to film 35 Christmas movies in your first 3 months.

I wish my friend would stop dragging his feet on this move I am helping with.

Granted. His legs fall off, leaving him to drag his hips instead. You monster.

I wish Universal had tied Rick O’Connel into the Dark Universe, and hadn’t allowed Tom Cruise to ruin their would be franchise starter by turning it into another sad ego spank.

Granted. Rick starred and got great reviews, but the film was never released due to covid-closures.

I wish for an early spring.

Granted. You summoned Coily from his slumber early. He's come to teach your a lesson and wreak your mind:



I wish to avoid summoning any more elder gods

Granted

You summon a younger God, the God of childish temper tantrums. It destroys the world when someone accidentally doesn’t say something nice about it.

I wish the only KFC in my town wasn’t really inaccessible, and relocate to its original position just the other end of the Pantiles, close to my current flat, without my own circumstances changing any.

Granted you sick monster! There is now a convenient Kids Fermented in Citrus for you to frequent.

I wish for po-tay-ters.


Edit for autocowreck.

Granted. You’re now also Gollum, and haven’t the foggiest what Taters are.

I wish woo peddlers and science denying idiots were properly called out and shamed.

Granted. Sciman Dan has been given a 1 hour program on BBC1, followed by a 1 hour Conspiracy Catz show. Rebroadcast on BBC2 two hours later.

I wish my roommates would order a proper round, thin crust, cut into wedges, New York style pizza instead of the bread with toppings crap they just ordered.

Granted. The toppings are pineapple, anchovies, snot, scabs and herpes.

I wish Wars were settled by the leaders of the countries involved taking part in an American Gladiators/Gladiators final run thing. First one to finish judged to have won the war.

Granted! North Korea cheats & conquers the planet.

I wish to win today's Powerball...

Granted!



I wish that in the next year or so, I win, outright, legally and without room for dispute, a healthy Euromillions lottery jackpot (around £100,000,000), and go on to open that sweet video game arcade I’ve got in mind that nothing horrible happens to and proves wildly popular.

Granted.
Sadly the arcade becomes so popular that you get constantly harrased for interviews, further, the people have to queue half a mile and regularly have brawls in front of it.

I wish that it stops snowing, i can only so often throw it of my hedge!

Granted. It stops snowing. In the Alps. For two seconds.

I wish I had a pet dog. Something like a Labrador, all soft and silly.

Granted... you get this dog...





I wish my roomies would be more quiet when I am sleeping.

Granted. But only because they’ve become Ninjas in order to murder you to death by killing you until you’re not alive.

I wish Dance music hadn’t become so popular. Just up to the KLF, then the fad passing would’ve been ideal. At least then idiots in clapped out Ford Escorts would’ve been blasting music that didn’t suck.

Granted! It's been replaced with mumble rap.

I wish for an MDF board laser cutter...

Granted it. It’s a laser cutter made purely from MDF. It’s effectiveness is debatable at best.

I wish George R R Martin had even the slightest inkling of how Game of Thrones is to conclude, and would get on with writing it.

Poor show runners. Not their fault the last few seasons were crap, given they were hired to adapt not invent a story.

Granted. George decides to serialize the last book, with new chapters to be released every six months until the book is complete.

I wish for a new game from GW which has flawless rules and global acceptance.

Granted, but you will be run over by a truck, while you are going to buy that game.

I wish I am not always right.

Granted. You are not always right, and very often uncomphrensible to boot.

I wish hexagon basing would make a comeback.

Granted. Unfortunately the price is you now have 27 heads, all of which bicker constantly, especially about whether squares or hexes are preferable, and your original head is rendered mute, so can only listen to the constant bickering. Oh, and your legs fall off.

I wish the boxed set of the original Romero zombie trilogy wasn’t marred by Night of the Living Dead being out of copyright, and thus some film school failure added entirely superfluous scenes, including a priest with bizarrely huge teeth.

I MEAN LOOK AT THEM.

Granted. For real. Leave the classics alone. And you get a fish-slap.

I wish to never see the likes of that again.

Granted, but because you haven't properly corrupted the previous wish, now you are a priest with bizarrely huge teeth and all the original Romero zombie trilogy is out of copyright.

I wish be a F1 drivers.

Granted. You are an F-1 driver, the only one who drives a bike. The other drivers laugh at you.

I wish to find the perfect miniature to paint.

granted. However, the figure is a one-off custom, that is not for sale, but used your most common opponent, silently taunting you every game you play against him.

i wish to finish my Pile of Shame, ie my stack of purchased but as yet unassembled models.

Granted, upon achieving the impossible the universe suffers instant and total negative space wedgie-ism creating a new universe where you must finish your self replicating pile of shame before you’re allowed to eat or sleep. And you’re immortal.

I wish for a rock.

Granted.

It’s Uluru. The UN wants to know what makes you think you have any legal claim to it.

I wish Jacob Rees Mogg’s hedge fund gets GameStopped, and he’s rendered beyond penniless, and nobody offers him help of any kind.

 Mad Doc Grotsnik wrote:
Granted.

It’s Uluru. The UN wants to know what makes you think you have any legal claim to it.

I wish Jacob Rees Mogg’s hedge fund gets GameStopped, and he’s rendered beyond penniless, and nobody offers him help of any kind.

Granted, but unfortunately, without the influence of the Right Honourable Member for Northeast Somerset, and Leader of the House of Commons, the ERG turns even more Eurosceptic, to the point where they deny the existence of Europe at all, claiming it to be fake news and that the nearest land to the UK is the Sweden to the east and Morocco to the south. Despite nearly destroying the UK economy with this nonsense, they continue to be elected to parliament for decades to come.

i wish for a new car.

Granted. You get a new car. Thanks to Covid, it's located in Sapporo, Japan. You'll have to go and pick it up yourself.

I wish i had bought some Gamestop stock last week.

 snurl wrote:
Granted. You get a new car. Thanks to Covid, it's located in Sapporo, Japan. You'll have to go and pick it up yourself.

I wish i had bought some Gamestop stock last week.

Granted. But you did as part of a Hedgefund hoping to short it. Enjoy bankruptcy

I wish the tasty junk food from my yoof was still in production, and easily available in my local area for pocket friendly prices, with nothing preventing me from indulging when I fancy.

 Mad Doc Grotsnik wrote:

 snurl wrote:
Granted. You get a new car. Thanks to Covid, it's located in Sapporo, Japan. You'll have to go and pick it up yourself.

I wish i had bought some Gamestop stock last week.

Granted. But you did as part of a Hedgefund hoping to short it. Enjoy bankruptcy

I wish the tasty junk food from my yoof was still in production, and easily available in my local area for pocket friendly prices, with nothing preventing me from indulging when I fancy.

granted. you gorge yourself on the treats of your childhood, unable to stop yourself, and are found many hours later, in a pile of grease, sugar and packaging, and rushed to hospital, having gained at least three different chronic conditions as a result of your excesses. Slanessh is mildly impressed.

I wish for the return of Warhammer Fantasy Battles.

Granted. It’s...it’s already happening. However, your wish is corrupted because every time you assemble an army, that Edge Lord shows up and burns it, to a hip-hop soundtrack because he’s just that hard and street and cool and hip and there’s certainly nobody laughing at him.

I wish I could be arsed to paint my armies.

 Mad Doc Grotsnik wrote:
Granted. It’s...it’s already happening. However, your wish is corrupted because every time you assemble an army, that Edge Lord shows up and burns it, to a hip-hop soundtrack because he’s just that hard and street and cool and hip and there’s certainly nobody laughing at him.

I wish I could be arsed to paint my armies.

(yhea, wasnt my best idea for a wish)

granted, you gain great enthusiasm for painting models. However, you find your never satisfied with the standards of your painting, and spend almost every free hour labouring over your models, endlessly painting and repainting your collection without ever stopping to ever actually play with them

I wish i could think of more intresting and fun wish ideas for this thread.

Granted. Unfortunately they’re all considerably racist, and eventually the offence causes you to be burned in a Wickerman by a group of Picts so incensed by your cultural insensitivity, they break through the time continuum.

I wish child actors weren’t so horribly mistreated, let alone actively abused.

Granted. Child actors lead the life of the golden ones. They sit beneath the palms and drink the wine with the enlightened ones. On their 18th birthday, they are simply lined up and shot as adults.

I wish for a bigger chainsaw.

Granted, but it will slay you the first time you try to use it, because the chain is too weak.

I wish for the codex of Men of Iron.

Granted. It is written by Arnold Schwarzenegger and has nothing to do with any known game system.

I wish people who can't drive in the snow would stay off the damn roads.

Granted. Now they line up and block the roads, protesting those who drive in unsafe conditions.

I wish for warmer weather.

Granted. Enjoy the surface of the sun.

I wish pseudoscience, woo and click bait drivel was ignore by humanity entirely.

Granted: the humanity regress to the stone age, so there is no more pseudoscience because there is no more science, technology and internet; there is only shamans, witches and sorcerers…

I wish for a better job.

Granted. You’re immediately made redundant due to increasing automation.

I wish you happiness.

Granted, but you have lost everything: job, house, car, money, friends…

I wish the Immaterium would actually exist.

Granted. Unfortunately it turns out Uri Sodding Geller is the only one able to tap its power.

He becomes ever more egotistical and insufferable, to the point even the Chaos Gods want shot of him, turning him into a Warp Breach Singularity which wipes out our planet,

I wish for mankind to peaceably and successfully colonise the Moon within the next 30 years, and use it thereafter as a fuel efficient launching point for greater exploration and colonisation of Mars.

Granted, but before to start the Mars colonisation it will happen a little problem:



I wish the Italians would be more similar to the Ancient Romans.

The_Grim_Angel wrote:
Granted, but before to start the Mars colonisation it will happen a little problem:



I wish the Italians would be more similar to the Ancient Romans.

Granted, and all technology discovered/invented after 500AD stops functioning.

I wish for a an end to disease and famine.

Granted.

In a Chairman Mao error (see Sparrows), those responsible completely deforest the planet, and sterilise it of all microbial life. The biome completely collapses and everyone dies.

I wish world leaders would, instead of wars, just drop their trousers to decide who has the bigger wanger.

Granted. Butt all the feminists of the world are under your house (and very angry), because now no one woman can became a world leader.

I wish to live in a world in which the ancient Gods and their magic are a real thing.

Granted, but they are more stupid and petty than normal humans... Because they are gods.

I wish I had my new shed already.

Granted. It’s a Time Shed.



You travel back to dinosaur times and get ate off a T-Rex.

I wish I could get out of bed today, but I can’t be bothered.

Granted. The bed gets offended by stash of Manga under it and tosses you out. It refuses to let you back in until you find alternate storage for your collection.

I wish to buy the world a Coke.

Granted. Unfortunately it’s the bad kind, and you go to Pris for ever and ever and ever. Mr Big of the Pris bears a grudge, because he’s quite fond of the Bad Kind of Coke, and his got lost in the post.

I wish Rupert Murdoch never existed.

 Mad Doc Grotsnik wrote:
Granted. Unfortunately it’s the bad kind, and you go to Pris for ever and ever and ever. Mr Big of the Pris bears a grudge, because he’s quite fond of the Bad Kind of Coke, and his got lost in the post.

I wish Rupert Murdoch never existed.

granted, but his replacement, Robert Docmur, is actually indistinguishable form him, right down to the cellular level, to the point that your not sure it actually happened or if you just suddenly started hallucinating that his name was Rupert Murdoch, dispite everyone telling you otherwise. The cognitive dissonance that you experience every time you hear his name takes its toll on your mental health, and you end your days in a pych ward, questioning reality itself.


I wish the anti-vaccine movement....wasnt.

Granted. They now oppose injections because they are invasive, cause swelling and bleeding, and hurt bunches.

I wish the tool I need cost less than $500.00 (US).

Granted. It’s $499 and a Raccoon has just eaten your bank account.

I wish I could be arsed to paint my models.

 Mad Doc Grotsnik wrote:
Granted. It’s $499 and a Raccoon has just eaten your bank account.

I wish I could be arsed to paint my models.

Granted. You are overcome by an overwhelming desire to paint your models, but are unable to find any paint or brushes anywhere. You're urge to paint becomes all consuming and you neglect your physical needs while you constantly search for paint until you waste away.

I wish I was home already.

Granted, because you’ve just been made homeless. Enjoy the gutter

I wish Katee Sackhoff got a MCU role.

 Mad Doc Grotsnik wrote:
Granted, because you’ve just been made homeless. Enjoy the gutter

I wish Katee Sackhoff got a MCU role.

Granted, but it's a CGI role with no speaking parts.

I wish my boss would catch a clue.

Granted. Unfortunately the clue caught is a clue from Parallex 99, a little known extraterrestrial parasite which causes abject incompetence. The only other victim is believed to be one B. Johnson.

I wish Old El Paso taco seasoning did its job.

Granted. It does, but only in the Old Town section of El Paso Texas.

I wish Taco Bueno taco meat wasn't so salty.

Granted! It's not too salty anymore because they've switched to Soylent Green and that's seasoned just right.

I wish Disco made a comeback.

Granted.
Disco Volante by Mr. Bungle sees an extraordinary rise in popularity, winning multiple platinum albums and Album of the Year.

I wish George R. R. Martin would finish the damn GoT book already.

 helgrenze wrote:
Granted.
Disco Volante by Mr. Bungle sees an extraordinary rise in popularity, winning multiple platinum albums and Album of the Year.

I wish George R. R. Martin would finish the damn GoT book already.

Granted. He stops the story, mid-sentence and types "The End". It is published as is, without any proof reading or editing.

I wish I had a really good pizza.

Granted. It’s Clarence, the Psychic Sentient Pizza superhero. He does nothing but good deeds, including kicking the asses of anyone who eats sentient Pizza.

I wish that when I go to the pub on 12 April, when lockdown eases, there’s a lovely soft idiot slobber guts Labrador wanting a fuss.

Granted. She's a drunk 35yo recent divorcee from Goose Bay in Northeastern Canada visiting your pub while on holiday. Her name is Cyndi (she spells it for you multiple times) and she currently thinks you are cute.

I wish the dog would stop eating my slippers.

 helgrenze wrote:
Granted. She's a drunk 35yo recent divorcee from Goose Bay in Northeastern Canada visiting your pub while on holiday. Her name is Cyndi (she spells it for you multiple times) and she currently thinks you are cute.

I wish the dog would stop eating my slippers.

granted, the dog suffers severe intestinal problems form having eaten the slippers, that require major surgery and re-mortgaging the house to fix, and it now requires a diet of high-protein fresh meat form the butchers. its eating better than you are now.


I wish for a covid test that wasnt quite so.....invasive.

Granted. British scientists invent a new non-invasive Covid test, that can find out if you are infected or not. All you have to do is to perfectly sing the Chinese anthem. The Chinese government then uses the massive increase of their anthem singing as an argument to invade your country.
However, there was a successful attempt to make it work on "Rule Brittania", but it was aborted because it allegedly supports racism.

I wish for a perfect date.

 Hawky wrote:
Granted. British scientists invent a new non-invasive Covid test, that can find out if you are infected or not. All you have to do is to perfectly sing the Chinese anthem. The Chinese government then uses the massive increase of their anthem singing as an argument to invade your country.
However, there was a successful attempt to make it work on "Rule Brittania", but it was aborted because it allegedly supports racism.

I wish for a perfect date.

Granted, you receive a date tree with a single perfect fruit. You pick it and eat it, it was the perfect date. You choke to death on the stone.

I wish for a bacon sandwich.

Aash wrote:

 Hawky wrote:
Granted. British scientists invent a new non-invasive Covid test, that can find out if you are infected or not. All you have to do is to perfectly sing the Chinese anthem. The Chinese government then uses the massive increase of their anthem singing as an argument to invade your country.
However, there was a successful attempt to make it work on "Rule Brittania", but it was aborted because it allegedly supports racism.

I wish for a perfect date.

Granted, you receive a date tree with a single perfect fruit. You pick it and eat it, it was the perfect date. You choke to death on the stone.

I wish for a bacon sandwich.

granted, your sandwich is made with bacon....Kevin Bacon. the police are waiting, politely, outside for you to finish it.


i wish "cancel culture" stopped protesting seemingly symbolic but ultimately meaningless transgressions by celebrities and starting protesting the actual abuses of human rights conducted wholesale by certain nation-states*

Granted. After the first attempt, cancel culture just canceled itself because people who like to cancel, and those certain nation-states officials found common ground in their ideological beliefs and joined forces.

I wish I was an evil genius and had a secret lair.

Granted. It is so secret and well hidden that even you cannot find it. You hole up in a cheap, sleazy motel instead.... which is Genius! because no-one would ever think of looking for you in a place like that.

I wish my roommate wasn't a sleazy motel owner.

 helgrenze wrote:
Granted. It is so secret and well hidden that even you cannot find it. You hole up in a cheap, sleazy motel instead.... which is Genius! because no-one would ever think of looking for you in a place like that.

I wish my roommate wasn't a sleazy motel owner.

Granted, your roommate moves out, so can’t afford the rent. You have to move out and all you can afford is to rent a room in a sleazy motel, owned by your former roommate.

I wish the shows suggested by Netflix were actually good.

Granted. Since no criteria were given, Netflix keeps suggesting you good shows for fart-joke enthusiasts.

I wish I lived in the 1800s.

 Hawky wrote:
Granted. Since no criteria were given, Netflix keeps suggesting you good shows for fart-joke enthusiasts.

I wish I lived in the 1800s.

granted, your now a peasant farmer, grew up in back braking poverty, until you get press ganged at the pub into the army and spend the rest of your short, brutish life sleeping in ditches, eating poorly, spending what little you can save on booze, and occasionally getting shot at. you die a slow, agonising death of sepsis, form a small cut taken when the man next to you in line is killed by a cannonball and a fragment of his bone cuts your stomach.

i wish politics wasn't so toxic and divided.

Granted. You live in an authoritharian one party state with massive corruption issues. Atleast the leading party is in alignement with itself and agrees that stealing from you and your fellow citizen is great.

I wish for an idea for a motivational speech.

Granted, but unfortunately you make a little mistake: it is a pro-jewish speech and you deliver it in Germany during the nazi regime.

I wish for a new computer.

Granted. It's amazingly new with a cutting edge quantum tech processor, crystalline memory, and a terabyte of Ram.... But it can only run Win 95.

I wish I had a newer vehicle.

Granted. It’s a Skaven Doomwheel. Your first drive does not end well. For anyone. And the rats eat your delicate flobbily dobbilies.

I wish Russell Brand had died in place of Rik Mayall.

Granted. It's amazing and he continues to release deliciously funny stuff, including a new series of Bottom. However, you're now haunted by Russell Brand. He constantly badgers you for ghostly hair products and tight pants.

I wish for a weekend where I can actually relax.

 Olthannon wrote:
Granted. It's amazing and he continues to release deliciously funny stuff, including a new series of Bottom. However, you're now haunted by Russell Brand. He constantly badgers you for ghostly hair products and tight pants.

I wish for a weekend where I can actually relax.

granted. you have a weekend free of any obligations or anything that would stop you form just relaxed. However, your unable to actually relax, and remind in a state of restless, vague discontent, despite no articulatable reason as to why you can't relax, which leaves you in a even more sour mood on Monday than if you'd been busy all weekend.

I wish the Hours Heresy book series would just sodding get on with it and finish already.

Granted. GW has decided that the HOURS Heresy books should be written by Robert Jordan. The first volume is a 3500 page long description of the state of the universe before the HOURS Heresy begins. It is very descriptive.

I wish I had the energy to work on some household projects that need done.

Granted. After a half dozen cans of Monster for the required energy, you have a fatal. accident involving a roundsaw, 400’ of drywall, and a completely baffled squirrel. Upside is the baby’s room is now painted Arterial Red.

I wish I had more cheese and biscuits.

Granted, but unfortunately they are poisoned.

I wish I was the author of this video:

Granted. You are, and you get sued for stealing intellectual property. The fact it was unintentional is no excuse, you filthy, filthy, thief!

I wish I could see through walls.

Granted. You see through them as if they weren’t there. All of them. All of the time. You see things that cannot be unseen all the time. The horrors of humanity stripped back and raw. People doing unspeakable things to people. Non-stop.

I wish the wording for this very important letter would come to me. Was hoping to get it out by the end of today, but it’s not gonna happen at this rate.

Granted. the ghost of Shakespeare visits you to inspire your writing. However, it is in olde english and practically indecipherable to those it is intended for.

I wish more people played the Ultracorps online game.

Granted. They’re all 13 years old, won’t shut up, and have cheats up the wazoo rendering your gaming experience exceptionally poor. But the game is jammed in your system, and you’re forced to play it forever more.

Wish I had a McDonalds earlier.

Granted. You did have it earlier while simultaneously not having it earlier, thus creating a small rift in the space-time continuum located squarely in your lower intestine. The end result is later known as a "brown hole".

I wish I had a third arm.

Granted. It’s your neighbours, and the Police want an explanation.

I wish the builders outside finish soon. Three years of non-stop construction barring Sunday’s. They’re not awful by any stretch, but I could do without the noise.

Granted. The current project finishes and they start to move all their equipment.... 100 feet to the other side of your home. This project is expected to last 4 years.

I wish I could get free digital versions of music I already have in other formats.

Granted. The phony pirate bay website already has your location, and missile drone has been dispatched.

I wish to win the Golden Deamon.

 Hawky wrote:
Granted. The phony pirate bay website already has your location, and missile drone has been dispatched.

I wish to win the Golden Deamon.

granted. you now have a gold-rated, prize winning Deamon for your computer, which collates the best of the Golden Demon painting competition photos for you to look at while you curse your spelling mistake.


i wish i could fly though the air in a controlled manner, like superman.

Granted. The CAA (Civil Aviation Authority) would like a word about your unauthorized use of the airspace.

I wish I could have a plumber install a "Beer Tap" in my house.

Granted. You get installed a beer tap, but it still pours diluted, shoddy, bad American beer, not the good stuff we have in Europe.

I wish to own a radio-controlled Baneblade tank.

Granted. It’s made from the old Forgeworld resin mold, which they didn’t even dust off properly, and so is all warped and bent to buggery, making it drive more like a clown car. Due to this....unconventional....steering, you drive it straight off a cliff where it shatters into a million pieces and each of those pieces shatter into a million pieces.

I wish Rupert Murdoch’s empire of lies would crumble overnight.

Granted, but the truth that he was covering up was that human exist on earth because we are all being farmed by Dark Eldar. Enjoy your life as a couch.

I wish GW would make a Hollywood Movie.

Granted. They obtain the rights to the Care Bears and make a live action movie utterly faithful to the source material. The scads of cash made lead them to abandon what they currently produce.

I wish the weather would act more like it should for this time of year in the U.K., and only in the U.K.

Granted. The weather becomes normalized in the UK... This affects the beer making process reducing both the quantity and quality of UK beer.

I wish my dog would stay in the yard.

You never find enough solvent for the glue, or the prankster who did it, a veterinarian mercifully puts the dog to sleep.

I wish for three hot blondes and a pizza (lets see if anyone gets this right this time).

Granted.

Unfortunately the three hot blondes are Dracula’s wives who drain you of blood. Your body cools faster than your uneaten pizza.

I wish Dogs had similar life spans to humans, with the corresponding ageing process.

Lovely Doggos.

Granted. Humans now age according to "Dog Years".

I wish GW would unsquat a certain race in 40k.

Granted. “Squats” are brought back to 40K, and are officially “unsquated” to such an extent that they are made taller. Even taller than space marines. These 8’ super soldiers are also renamed “Primaris marines” and the lore rewritten to make them better fit with the current 40K aesthetic.

I wish I made better financial decisions in my 20s.

Granted, but then you started hanging with an actor named Carlos Estevez and blew it all on hookers and blow.

I wish for the weather to clear so I can get some much needed yard work done. It's been raining all month.

GRANTED! It hasn't rained since & now half the state is on fire.

I wish for Epic 40k...

Granted.
You go blind trying to paint the minis to 'Tournament Standard'.


Edit: I wish I had remembered this part when I first made this post.

Granted. You remembered because you were beaten senseless by a dancing man with a fish until you came around.

I wish to log in here more often.

Granted! It's not worthwhile.

I wish for a sequel to the Space Marine video game...

Granted. Its made by EA and weapons upgrades are now paid DLCs.... every time you play.

I wish I hadn't bought that last DLC from EA.

Granted. You bought all their DLC for every game they’ve ever made instead, and in fact signed up to a Continuous Payment Authority so they can bill you for every subsequent DLC they ever make in the future.

I wish BritBox would crack on with putting up more classic Grange Hill.

Granted. But too classic. It now plays like Donkey Kong on an NES console.

I wish to sit beneath the palms and drink the wine.

 snurl wrote:
Granted. But too classic. It now plays like Donkey Kong on an NES console.

I wish to sit beneath the palms and drink the wine.

granted! however, in this jurisdiction, public drunkenness has been a rising problem and the judge is making an example of you...


i wish the kill team rules laid out in a easier to read manner.

Granted! Both your eyes fall off, and your fingers drop off preventing you from learning brail.

I wish those sodding builders would finally stop finding things to angle grind.

It’s been three years.

 Mad Doc Grotsnik wrote:
Granted! Both your eyes fall off, and your fingers drop off preventing you from learning brail.

I wish those sodding builders would finally stop finding things to angle grind.

It’s been three years.

granted, having run out of things to grind into shape, they now start the hammering. the endless, endless hammering.


i wish more artistic skill in my model painting, and that the end result doesnt look like it was done by Timmy, age 5.

Granted. It doesn’t look like it was done by Timmy, aged 5, to you, on account of the ill advised eyeball/paintbrush interface which gouged out both your eyes.

Nice one, blindo!

I wish I could actually do the floor exercises in my gym sets, without looking like a tubby turtle desperately trying to right itself.

 Mad Doc Grotsnik wrote:


I wish I could actually do the floor exercises in my gym sets, without looking like a tubby turtle desperately trying to right itself.

Granted

but all floors you exercise on are the cleftal horizon of a flatuent Ork

I wish I had shoes that never wore out

Granted. They were your first pair of baby booties, and being indestructible your Mum never saw fit to replace them. Not only are your feets hideously mangled by their soft woolen prisons, but they never grew beyond baby feets.

I wish one of the car sellers I’ve hit up would get back to me, I need wheels!

 Mad Doc Grotsnik wrote:


I wish one of the car sellers I’ve hit up would get back to me, I need wheels!

Granted

You get a nice new shiny RED car, as we all know red ones to go faster but they don't turn very well, the resulting sideswipe of a house results in half your face tearing off - dark knight harvey dent style - to add insult to injury once you recover anything you eat now falls out the side of your mouth.

I wish my bubblegums flavour would last forever

Granted. Your Ever Lasting Bubblegum is super sticky, so you can’t spit it out, and it’s Rancid Badger Scrotum flavour.

I wish when I take Nat and the girls to Shocktoberfest, the girls are able to go off on their own so Nat and I can have some alone time.

Granted. Unfortunately, those zombies were real. Nat and the girls made it out due to your "heroic sacrifice" after you tripped on your untied shoelaces.

I wish the guy who messed up the brakes on my car had let a mechanic do them instead.

Granted. But the mechanic secretly works for a chop shop and now your car has mysteriously vanished.

I wish that Kroot would finally become their own army, Harlequin style.

Granted. They become a separate army but they are absolute garbage-tier and practically impossible to win any games with, and their new models are the fugliest thing GW has made in years.

I wish my 3d printer never failed a print, ever.

Granted: you printer never fails but all it can print now is cursed sex toys

I wish I my neighbour Karen would give my table back

i wish core units was cheap in money





i wish i knew all orc rules

Granted. You know all the orc rules and they all suck, because what do you expect for something so cheap?

I wish Dubman had granted the wish lord Bickerstaff made, about the return of the table, like he was supposed to.

Granted. He tried, but the Karen would have come with it and he didn't want to do that to the poor chap.

I wish my doctors would actually communicate with each other instead of countering the other's orders.

Granted. But they speak different languages, confusing matters even further.

I wish Star on Disney+ would just put up all of American Horror Story already.

Granted. But it's on a pay by episode basis on a new subscription service on a cable service you pay for too.

I wish every season of AHS was as good as this last one was.

(Check out Creepshow on AMC Shudder)

Granted. They were, it's just the Mandela Effect making you think they weren't.

I wish I studied harder for my 24 hour urine test.

Granted. Your specimen shows such a broad and random array of nasty substances that you are awarded an honorary doctorate in toxicology.

I wish to get everything we need at the grocery store in one trip.

Granted, But as the Rolling Stones said.... You can't always get what you want.

I wish my hot tub was functional.

Granted but it turnsout to be a hot tub time machine, catapulting you into the 41st millennium with nothing but a laspistol and a pair of jeans

I wish I had a robot hand

Granted. Unfortunately it’s just the left hand for the original Optimus Prime toy. And a bad repro one at that. Wrong colour, wrong material and the plug bit is laughably too wide.

I wish social media never existed.

Granted. Social media never existed, it was all a bad dream. You awaken and go back outside to tarry in the fields.

I wish to have more fun.

Granted you have much more fun so much fun you attract the attention of Slannesh - the inquisition is calling you -

I wish my house spider could talk

Granted. Unfortunately it’s a foul mouthed teenage kick who won’t stop telling you clearly made up tales and griefing you in general.

I wish to get a proper Star Trek series following up on post-Dominion War Alpha Quadrant.

Granted. It focuses on a diplomatic unit led by Wesley Crusher, who is still a know-it-all jerk played by Wil Wheaton.

I wish the Wheel of Time series writers hadn't short cut the first book by so much.

Granted. They skipped it entirely.

I wish to play that epic Waterloo game.

Granted. It’s so realistic you too lose your lower leg to a cannonball, only noticing when you’re mate points it out.

I wish Amazon Prime, given they now own the rights, would just put Stargate SG-1 up for free.

Granted. It's up for free, but riddled with ads.

I wish for ad-free internet.

Granted. You must watch 1 hour of ads before logging onto the internet.

I wish to have every illness in the world.

Congratulations! You are the fourth Beastie Boy!

I wish for a pair of Adidas Shelltoes.

Granted. Unfortunately they used to belong to a younger Craig David, and reek of his misplaced ego and general somewhat less than adequacy.

I wish the letting agents would get back to me about those flats in Folkestone. I need to be getting my move on!

Granted. They get back to you that it is no longer available - all leased out by Millennial yuppies.

I wish I had some extra time to work on my hobbies.

Granted, but gas prices go up by 25% and you can't afford your hobby anymore.

I wish for lower gas prices.

Granted! Gas prices are lower as governments drop the sales tax on petroleum products but they install tolls everywhere to make up for the lost revenue.

I wish non-metallic metal wasn't so hard for me to paint.

Granted, but now all other surfaces are harder for you to paint.

I wish for some peace of mind.

Granted. Your mind is so at peace you can no longer work or support yourself.

I wish dealing with contractors to do the work they were hired to do was not so hard and exhausting.

Granted. It’s even harder and more exhausting. That was an easy one.

I wish Mark and Lard would reunite for an online and ongoing show in the same style.

 Mad Doc Grotsnik wrote:
Granted. It’s even harder and more exhausting. That was an easy one.

I wish Mark and Lard would reunite for an online and ongoing show in the same style.

Granted. The program is only available on Peacock's new add-on streaming service, at a cost only payable in Australian dollars and only available in Mongolia.

I wish that Games Workshop would bring back the Old Ones as a playable faction in 40K.

GRANTED! The army is so OP that you lose all your friends & no one wants to play with you anymore.

I wish the new Squat didn't have toe gloves...

 gruebot wrote:
GRANTED! The army is so OP that you lose all your friends & no one wants to play with you anymore.

I wish the new Squat didn't have toe gloves...

Granted. The new squat models have only a single giant toe on each foot that is positioned like a a high-heel shoe.

I wish there were more women wargamers.

Oh wow. How to corrupt that without being a POS!

Granted!

There is now precisely 3 more women Wargamers. However they keep themselves to themselves and so sadly aren’t visible to the wider community, and so the gatekeeping continues.

I’m sorry this is a lame corruption, but a corruption all the same.

I wish I could go back to enjoying KFC.

Granted, but you enjoy it too much, with all the side effects of eating too much…

I wish wargames Atlantic kits were in stock in the U.S. apart from when the planets align, casting a shadow on their warehouse.

 Mad Doc Grotsnik wrote:
Oh wow. How to corrupt that without being a POS!

Granted!

There is now precisely 3 more women Wargamers. However they keep themselves to themselves and so sadly aren’t visible to the wider community, and so the gatekeeping continues.

I’m sorry this is a lame corruption, but a corruption all the same.

I wish I could go back to enjoying KFC.

I was trying to be purposefully difficult with that one!

Sadly, I feel your granted explanation isn't far from what would be the case!

 Some_Call_Me_Tim wrote:
Granted, but you enjoy it too much, with all the side effects of eating too much…

I wish wargames Atlantic kits were in stock in the U.S. apart from when the planets align, casting a shadow on their warehouse.

Granted. However, Wargames Atlantic is bought out immediately by a company known as Games Workshop. Overnight the prices triple, the number of models-per-box is halved, and several of your favorite model lines are "rotated out" of production. However, those boxes that do remain are well stocked at all retailers.

I wish I could sleep...

Granted!

After a lovely warm bath, a cup of hot Horlicks and a cookie, you drift off to the land of nod.

So deep is your sleep you fail to notice your bed was on fire the whole time, and you never wake up again.

I wish those in power that claim the answer to rising cost of living is just to live frugally had any idea of what poverty is actually like in the world they created solely to enrich themselves.

Granted. The sudden epiphany leads to a utopian age where greed and violence become things of the past. At the apex of the Golden era humanity makes contact with an alien race intent on conquest. Our descendants naively welcome them with open arms and a spirit of brotherhood. The ensuing invasion and colonization wipes out the majority of humans with the unhappy few who remain taken back to the alien homeworld as indentured servants...

I wish GW would get rid of the awful new flying stands...

Granted. Now they provide only the expensive flying stand conversion kit, which contains parts for every possible flying model, but only one of the central support bit, making all the extra bits useless.

I wish for more game time.

GRANTED! You are retired and have nothing but free time. Unfortunately all your gaming buds still have regular jobs & life obligations and therefore have almost no time to play games with you.

I wish gamers weren't so flaky.

Granted. Gamers are now chewy and taste good with marinara sauce.

I wish the games would never end.

Granted! Your only opponent, for some reason, is Bill Murray.

I wish I would have bought more FW Fantasy models when they had a decent range.

Granted. You still haven't painted them.

I wish for GW to retcon AOS out of existence and return to the Olde World.

Granted. However as AoS was removed from existence, GW just do the same thing again, having learned nothing from the whole affair.

I wish for an infinitely scaleable, renewable energy source which causes no harm to the environment the equipment for which is easily assembled without skill from everyday household items, with the information on how to make that and hook it up safely, permanently and irrevocably to your home, vehicle, and even space ships (and when applied to a space ship allows us to experience true faster than light speeds in contravention of conventional physics) to be invented and freely distributed to the world’s population.

Granted, but now household items are thousands of times more expensive to make up for this.

I wish for more 40k Squats.

Granted! Now, with all the extra squats, the models in 40K have absurd, comical, disproportionately huge thighs and look ridiculous on the tabletop.

I wish the USA would win a World Cup in my lifetime.

Granted! Too bad it's stolen on the way home.

I wish for some new colors.

Granted!

Unfortunately they’re of such dazzling hues everyone that sees them suffers a fatal brain embolism as human minds just aren’t evolved to view such things. You’re the first.

No. Wait, I’m changing my wish.

I wish that Baddiel, Skinner and the Lightning Seeds were legally and contractually bound to slightly rework that insufferable, jingoistic “most people who bought it weren’t alive when the event it refers to occurred” song and re-release it for every major international football tournament, specifically the line about how many “years of hurt” it’s been since that one time, even well beyond the point they start feeling silly, and even including the compulsory reanimation by whatever animatronic technology exists at the time in case of death, until England’s Men’s Team win one of said major international football tournaments. With each and every penny accrued from sales of said song, and whatever else their other careers bring in, being paid to a Charity supporting Scottish, Welsh and Northern Irish Weans Who Want A Bag Of Sweets.

Maybe that’ll learn them. Because right now? It’d be fifty eight years of hurt.

Granted. You hear it every time you open an outside window, turn on the radio, see a ricksaw go past, wander through a shopping centre, step into a lift... you get the idea.

Obviously I would wish for world peace.

Granted!

The world comes together, realising “hey, war and fighting is all self defeating”.

For all of five minutes. Before jingoistic maniacs remember they really, really enjoyed sending other people’s sons off to die, and so start a really big war.

I wish woo peddlers, anti-vaxxers and assorted conspiracy theorists came with a very loud, very embarrassing Bullpoo Alarm, triggered whenever they spout some form of nonsense, which then takes over their brain and vocal chords to force correction, and confirm whether or not they really are just a bit special, or a vicious grifter only in it for money and notoriety.

Granted. But the blaring alarms never ever stop.

I wish to start up a Mordheim game again.

Granted, everyone hates it.

I wish for a PDF of Pathfinder’s Tian Xia guide.

Granted!

It’s in an ancient script we’ve never been able to decipher or translate.

I wish Jimmy Carr never had a tv career.

Granted, his career was in personally annoying you.

I wish Geek Retreat would re-open in Leeds.

 sing your life wrote:
Granted, his career was in personally annoying you.

I wish Geek Retreat would re-open in Leeds.

Granted, but it's been reimagined as an all-male "massage parlor" to keep the old name and signage.

I wish I could get a fulfilling and resting nights sleep like I used to in my 20's (sleeping less than 6 hours).

Edit: I misread the previous post. I thought the establishment was named the "Greek Retreat" hench the bad pun.

Granted, but your days are so stressful that even a good night's sleep isn't enough for you.

I wish I could instantly teleport anywhere on Earth at will.

OOC: Wow, this thing's still going? I haven't posted here in years!

Granted, but with this new ability you become a depressed nomad with no sense of home or roots, and your relationships shatter and you lose your job.

I wish I could combine Steve Martin with Martin Short so I could create a single actor named Martin Martin.

 kyrtuck wrote:
Granted, but with this new ability you become a depressed nomad with no sense of home or roots, and your relationships shatter and you lose your job.

I wish I could combine Steve Martin with Martin Short so I could create a single actor named Martin Martin.

Granted, but Martin Martin will soon find the only work he can get is on a reboot of the 1990's sitcom "Martin" with Martin Lawrence constantly telling him they need to be working on a script for Black Knight 2.


I wish that 3D Realms would make a comeback, making a good version of a Duke Nukem game sometime in the next 5 years.