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This is just a thread for random jokes.

please though, keep to forum rules, so nothing racist or things that would cause problems.
please remember there may be some language used in jokes and posts.
just try not to cause a problem


enjoy




Gordon Brown was visiting a primary school in North Yorkshire where he looked in on one of the classes.

They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.
The teacher asked Mr. Brown if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy'.
So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'.
A little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a farm,
is playing in the field & a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a 'tragedy.'
No,' said Brown........' that would be an accident.'
A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff,
killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy'
'I'm afraid not,' explained Mr. Brown ' that's what we would call great loss'
The room went silent. No other children volunteered.

Gordon Brown searched the room. 'Isn't there someone here who can give me an
example of a tragedy?'

Finally, at the back of the room, little Johnny raised his hand.

In a quiet voice he said: 'If a plane carrying you and your entire labour
cabinet was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile & blown to smithereens,
that would be a tragedy.'
'Fantastic!' exclaimed Brown. 'That's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?'

'Well,' says little Johnny 'it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be a fething accident either!'







For his birthday, little Joseph asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it." The next day the father saw little Joseph heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?" Little Joseph told him; "I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage and no bike!






New sex Study
It has been determined, the most used sexual position for married couples is a doggie position.
The husband sits up and begs.
The wife rolls over and plays dead........







The Ferrari F1 team fired their entire pit crew yesterday. This announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the British government's 'Work for the Dole' scheme and employ some Liverpudlian youngsters.

The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Toxteth were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of pound's worth of high tech equipment.
It was thought to be an excellent, bold move by the Ferrari management team as most races are won and lost in the pits, giving Ferrari an advantage over every other team.
However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for. At the crew's first practice session, not only was the scouse pit crew able to change all four wheels in under 6 seconds, but within 12 seconds they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the car to the Mclaren team for 8 cases of Stella, a bag of weed and some photos of Coulthard's bird in the shower!





A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train set in the living room.
She heard the train stop and her son saying, 'All of You Bastards who want off, get the feth off now, cause we're in a hurry! And all of you Bastards who are getting on, get the feth on, cause we're going down the tracks'.
The horrified mother went in and told her son, 'We don't Use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS.
When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want You to Use nice language.'
Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed Playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say,
'All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you.
We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one.'
She hears the little boy continue,
'For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train.
We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us Today.'
As the mother began to smile, the child added..........
'For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat bitch in the kitchen.'

The head of a company walks up to his secretary one day, and tells her, "I'll pay you five hundred dollars to have sex with me."

The secretary cuts him off, offended. However, he makes her yet another deal, telling her, "I promise you this: I will place the money on the ground, and be finished by the time you're done picking it up."

The secretary then reconsidered, and decided to consult with her husband over the phone, telling him the deal in detail. "Well, we could use the money..." He said, "But just make sure you pick up the money as fast as you possibly can."

The secretary then called her husband back after the deal was done, furious, telling him,

"The bastard used quarters."



Raunchy? Yeah. Immature? Maybe. But you've gotta admit that it's funny.

JD21290 wrote:This is just a thread for random jokes.

please though, keep to forum rules, so nothing racist or things that would cause problems.
please remember there may be some language used in jokes and posts.
just try not to cause a problem

So racist jokes are bad but sexist jokes are just peachy?

These are a few jokes I need to say.

1. A little boy walks up to his mother, and says he got pricked by the rose bush. The mother replies "Well lets wah it out and get a bandaid."
The little boy screames out "NO! CIDER!" The mother, astonished, ask why he would want to have cider on his cut, and the boy replies, "Sis says that whenever she gets a prick in her hand, shelikes to put in cider."

2. Two women are talking at a bar, a blond and a brunnette. A man with bad dandruff walks by, his flakes getting n them. The brunette says "Someone needs to give him some Head and Shoulders." The blond asks "How do you give someone shoulders?"

Yeah, these are nasty.

A Man goes to his doctor, complaining of a sore elbow. The doctor asks him to give a urine sample, saying that he will put it in his new diagnostic machine that will tell him in a few minutes what's wrong with him. The Man is very dubious about this, but he wants to see what the machine can do. The doctor puts the urine sample in a sliding platter and it slides into the machine, which proceeds to shudder, smoke and clatter. A few minutes later, a slip of paper slides out of another slot and the doctor reads it. He tells the Man he has tennis elbow. The Man says that this can't possibly work, you can't diagnose tennis elbow from a urine sample! The doctor then says to come back tomorrow and give another urine sample, and if it says the same thing, that's the diagnosis. The Man says okay, and while the doctor is not looking he steals a urine sample cup. He goes home and then he pees in it, he has his wife, son and daughter and the family dog pee in it, then he ejaculates into it. The next day, the Man provides this urine sample to the doctor. The machine does its thing and a really long slip of paper spools out. the doctor reads it over three times and glares at the man. He says "Your wife is pregnant and it's not yours, your daughter has syphilis, your son is a meth addict, your dog has a tapeworm and if you don't stop jacking off, your tennis elbow is only going to get worse!"

That joke was told to my junior year high school biology class by the teacher. How she kept her job I have no idea.

we need more funny jokes like this
actually made me laugh XD

Don't get mad christians, I warn you, it's bad.

Jesus walk into a hotel and hands the bellhop three nails, and asks "Can you put me up for the night?"

Four dad are playing golf together, and bragging about their sons. One dad goes to the bathroom, and the other three continue to try and outdue each other.

Dad 1. "My son's a genius! He's a stockbroker and just got some guy 300,000 shares in a major company!"

Dad 2. "Oh yeah?! My son's a car salesman and he just sold some guy a brand new sports car!"

dad 3. "My son's the CEO of a company and just promoted some guy to be his underling!"

At this point dad 4 walks out, and joins the conversation. "I don't know about you, but I'm not too proud of my son. He just admitted he's gay, but he now has a brand new car, 300,000 shares of a major company, and just got promoted at this company."

Whats Grey, sits at the end of the bed, and takes the piss out of you all day?



Two Nuns are riding back the Convent, and decide to take a short cut down a cobbled back alley. First one says 'I've never come this way before' to which the second one says 'me neither, it must be the cobbles'

An elderly man walks into a confessional. He tells the
priest, 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of
70 years, many children and grandchildren. Yesterday,
I picked up two college girls hitchhiking. We went to
a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'

Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'
Man: 'What sins?"
Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'
Man: 'I'm Jewish.'
Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'
Man: 'I'm 92 years old ... I'm telling everybody.'

Use the The Hun much

An eleven year old girl asks her motherwhere babies come from. The mother says "daddy puts his (deleted by mods) in mommies (deleted by mods)."
The girl replies "I saw you had daddie' (deleted by mods) in your mouth. What do youget from that?" The mother replies "Jewelrey."

An old man walks into an ice cream sho, wincing with each step. He pulls up a stool and orders a bannana split, sitting painfully. The woman at the counter asks "crushed nuts?" The man replies. "No, hemmeroids."

A magician and his parrot are performing on a cruise ship.The parrot
gets a bit bored and decides to have some fun at the magician's
expense.At the crucial point of the card trick, the parrot shouts
'The ace of spades is up his sleeve!'.
As the magician is about to pull the rabbit out of the hat,the
parrot shouts 'Its under the table!'.
Just as the final trick begins,the ship hits an iceberg and sinks.
The magician and the parrot climb into a liferaft.The parrot looks
around and says 'Alright I give up,where the hell did you hide the
ship?'

So a guy recently fell from a church and died. Before Mass, someone calls the priest. "Father, come look!" The priest rushes out and sees the body of the guy who fell. "Did you know this man, Father?" The priest immediately notices that the guy had no arms and had fallen out from the belltower. The preist replied "No, but his face rings a bell."

Ba dum tshh.


Oh, here's another one.
So three guys are wandering through a tropical forest. They're attacked by savages and are taken to their cheif. The cheif told them "We will eat you unless you pass a test." So the first guy asks, "What's the test?" The cheif replies, "You each must shove 10 peices of the same kind of fruit up your asses. 10 mangos for example. However, none of you can't show ANY form of emotion while you do this. No laughing, no crying, clenching your face in pain, etc."
So the first guy goes to find fruit. He returns with 10 apples. He shoves them all up his ass with no problems at all. "Okay, next!" The cheif hollered.
The second guy goes and returns with grapes. Shoves them all up his ass with no difficulty. "Alright, last one!" the cheif called.
The third guy goes to find fruit. But when he returns, the second guy bursts into laughter.
"AHA! He started laughing! Get the fire going!"
When the guys are tied to the burning stake, the first guy asks the second guy why he started laughing. He replies "Because the third guy came back with watermelons."

A boy is writing a paper on childbirth and asks his parents, "How was I born?"

His mother awkwardly answers, "The stork brought you."

"Oh," says the boy. "Well, how were you and Daddy born?"

"Oh, the stork brought us, too, and Grandpa and Grandma."

The boy begins his paper, "This report has been very difficult to write due to the fact that there hasn't been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations."

Man, I'm going to hell for this:

A grown man and a young boy are walking into the woods at night. The little boy says to the man "I'm scared."
The man replies "You're scared? I have to walk out of here alone."

BloodofOrks wrote:Man, I'm going to hell for this:

A grown man and a young boy are walking into the woods at night. The little boy says to the man "I'm scared."
The man replies "You're scared? I have to walk out of here alone."

No. You aren't. I've done far worse, and didn't get sent to hell. (Yet.)

A man and his wife are watching a boxing match. Befoer 5 minutes have passed, one of the fighters is knocked out. The man jumps up and screams "What a rip! It was over in four minutes!" The wife calmly replies. "Now you know how I feel." Oh, my relationship jokes are terrible.

Nofasse 'Eadhunta wrote:So a guy recently fell from a church and died. Before Mass, someone calls the priest. "Father, come look!" The priest rushes out and sees the body of the guy who fell. "Did you know this man, Father?" The priest immediately notices that the guy had no arms and had fallen out from the belltower. The preist replied "No, but his face rings a bell."

The next day, his brother decides to take over the old bellringer's job. He climbs to the top of the belltower, without arms and without anyone knowing, and takes a good running jump at the bell.

He hit it, sending a loud peal across the village, and everyone rushes to the belltower to see what's happened.

When they get there, they see this mysterious man lying on the floor, his spine broken, and ask the priest who it is.

"I don't know," says the priest, "but he's a dead ringer for the last one."

I would just like to say that... if you do understand the point of this joke, you will get that it is not actually racist.. and that the point of the joke is something far less sophisticated than stereotypes


Three jews walk into a bar

they say "ow"

Shrike78 wrote:I would just like to say that... if you do understand the point of this joke, you will get that it is not actually racist.. and that the point of the joke is something far less sophisticated than stereotypes


Three jews walk into a bar

they say "ow"

These jokes suck.

2 women are sitting at a bus stop smoking. Suddenly it starts to rain. One woman takes out a condom and puts it over the ciggarette. The other women asks what it is. The first woman tells her to get it at a pharmacy. The second woman then runs to the pharmacy. The person at the counter then asks her what size. She replies,"Big enough for a camel!"

Shrike78 wrote:I would just like to say that... if you do understand the point of this joke, you will get that it is not actually racist.. and that the point of the joke is something far less sophisticated than stereotypes


Three jews walk into a bar

they say "ow"

I totally didn't get it.

An insurance salesman comes to the country. He goes to a farm and rings the door bell. A little boy opens the door.

"Hello there kid. Is your father at home."

"He got run over by a tractor"

"Oh my god, that's horrible! And your mother?"

"She got run over by a tractor."

"Oh my god, you must have some siblings and grandparents, where are they?"

"They got run over by a tractor."

"Then you're all alone, what are you doing all day all by yourself?"

"Driving tractor."




A christian, a jew and a moslem walk into a bar. Then the barkeeper asks:
"What? Is this some kind of joke?"

A man goes to his doctor with his wife to have her examined. The doctor pulls him aside and says "I really don't like the way your wife looks." The man replies "Niether do i but shes a great cook and crazy in bed."

Nasty.

warpcrafter wrote:

Shrike78 wrote:I would just like to say that... if you do understand the point of this joke, you will get that it is not actually racist.. and that the point of the joke is something far less sophisticated than stereotypes


Three jews walk into a bar

they say "ow"

I totally didn't get it.

okay... I'll admit it's a bad joke... but all it is saying is that three jews walked into a bar... like a metal bar... the kind you do chin-ups on...


It's funny 'cause everyone gets distracted by the jews... or whichever commonly stereotyped ethnicity/religion that you've inserted into the joke...

it's funny right? hahaha... ha?

This is loosely based on one of my relationships.(Mostly a lie.)

My girlfriend told me that soon I would hear the pitter-patter of little feet. She left me for a midget.

Golden Eyed Scout: For the reference, you really aren't funny. Most of us heard those jokes when we were in High School, too. You must progress to the HORRID JOKES!

What do you call a woman who has sex for Italian food? A pasta-tute.



Anyway, here's a good one. It is a blonde joke.

A man is doing an interview for a position. It is down to three female candidates. The first one is a brunette.

MAN: I have only one question for you. How many "D's" are in Indiana Jones?
Brunette: (Slightly confused) - Just one.

He then interviews the next woman, a red head.

MAN: I have only one question for you. How many "D's" are in Indiana Jones?
Red Head: Just one.

He interviews the final woman, the blonde.

MAN: I have only one question for you. How many "D's" are in Indiana Jones?
Blonde: (Sits there for a minute, in extreme concentration) - Thirty six.
MAN: What? 36? Where do you get that?
Blonde: Dum duh dum dum, dum da dum. Dum da dum dum, dum da DUM DUM DUM!

Mattlov wrote:Golden Eyed Scout: For the reference, you really aren't funny. Most of us heard those jokes when we were in High School, too. You must progress to the HORRID JOKES!
quote]

Ow. You could have just asked nicely to go and be more horrid. But to tell you truth, most people think the jokes are funny. The internet just makes it hard to convey them.

I'm not sure if this qualifies as a joke but:

HP Chat Support.

Cinderella is now 95 years old.

After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.



One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother.


Cinderella said, 'Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years'?

The fairy godmother replied, 'Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?'

Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish:


'The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor.
I'm living hand to mouth on my disability cheques, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension.
Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold.

Cinderella said,
'Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother'

The fairy godmother replied,
'It is the least that I can do.
What do you want for your second wish?'

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said,
'I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had.'


At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years.

And then the fairy godmother spoke once more:
'You have one more wish; what shall it be?'


Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, 'I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man.'
Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.

The fairy godmother said,
'Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life.'

With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity,
The fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared.

For a few eerie moments,

Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes.


Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.

Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, & held her close in his young muscular arms.

He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered...

'Bet you're sorry now that you cut my bollocks off'