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Ma55ter_fett wrote:Is he developing a hint of Sanguinius's foresight?

If you edit it I would suggest making it slightly longer and more noticeably dream like (the reader recognizes it as a dream, but not Desai obviously )

Like in starwars emperor strikes back when Luke is on Degobah and enters that cave place and fights an imaginary version of Vader..

Good analogy with the Star Wars reference.

When I wrote it I didn't necessarily want the reader to recognize it as a dream until it was over. Desai thought it was all real until it was over and he realized he had just stabbed an inanimate object. So ultimately what I was shooting for was to have the reader be in Desai's shoes for the time being, that may have been part of the confusion. I may fiddle with it some and see what happens, good suggestions though.

I love what you did with my marine, it is great work!! i loved reading that essay, maybe to help, should my pre-story be posted onto this forum rather than a link of it? You could edit it into the post of that story so it is one long thing? don't want to take over your thread, but maybe it would give a bit more foreknowledge.

I would have a bit more description of what the other marines thought or looked like as they saw this go down. the dream state is great, just I would think a Dark Angel Marine, or A Ultramarine, or whatever chapter that isnt BA may not understand what is going on and may be scared, or sickened, or think of chaos taint, do you know what i mean?

Sageheart wrote:I love what you did with my marine, it is great work!! i loved reading that essay, maybe to help, should my pre-story be posted onto this forum rather than a link of it? You could edit it into the post of that story so it is one long thing? don't want to take over your thread, but maybe it would give a bit more foreknowledge.

No, I like having yours linked to the other page just like Git did with his.

Sageheart wrote:I would have a bit more description of what the other marines thought or looked like as they saw this go down. the dream state is great, just I would think a Dark Angel Marine, or A Ultramarine, or whatever chapter that isnt BA may not understand what is going on and may be scared, or sickened, or think of chaos taint, do you know what i mean?

Yeah I understand what you're saying Sage, but I think if I added another persons perspective I may loose some of the depth of what Desai is going through. I am still unsure of how to correct it. I tried to fiddle around with it but I havn't been able to make it better. I do appreciate the suggestions though. I may be over thinking this one so I may move on and then come back to it. Sometimes that helps me reassess my writing.

OMG, I just decided I know how to fix it.

I'll ask my wife, she is the Empress of Grammar btw.

IceAngel wrote:

Sageheart wrote:I love what you did with my marine, it is great work!! i loved reading that essay, maybe to help, should my pre-story be posted onto this forum rather than a link of it? You could edit it into the post of that story so it is one long thing? don't want to take over your thread, but maybe it would give a bit more foreknowledge.

No, I like having yours linked to the other page just like Git did with his.

Sageheart wrote:I would have a bit more description of what the other marines thought or looked like as they saw this go down. the dream state is great, just I would think a Dark Angel Marine, or A Ultramarine, or whatever chapter that isnt BA may not understand what is going on and may be scared, or sickened, or think of chaos taint, do you know what i mean?

Yeah I understand what you're saying Sage, but I think if I added another persons perspective I may loose some of the depth of what Desai is going through. I am still unsure of how to correct it. I tried to fiddle around with it but I havn't been able to make it better. I do appreciate the suggestions though. I may be over thinking this one so I may move on and then come back to it. Sometimes that helps me reassess my writing.

OMG, I just decided I know how to fix it.

I'll ask my wife, she is the Emperor of Grammar btw.

Holy Crap I just realized how close indianiapolis is to me! D: I go there for every genecon!

Darkness – 11

As the Frozen Rage silently slipped back into real space the engines had one final burst before going dark. All the lights were extinguished and the ship slide through space like a shadow in the dark. Every man, woman, and machine on the ship was on high alert. The marines were armored and the guns were primed. No Imperial Ship had made it to the Kota System and returned in years.

The bridge of the Frozen Rage was a bustle of activity, but it was a quiet chaos. Everyone knew their roles and like the Ice Angel Chapter, efficiency was paramount. Only two marines stood on the bridge, Captain Razzik and Chaplain Cyaxeres. They watched and listened to the crew and reports.

Commander Seluku sat in his throne wired directly into the ship. He felt the cold bite of space on his skin as if the hull was his own. He absorbed all of the information from every crewman on the ship and in turn felt their nerves as they searched for their enemies. As he was bombarded with information Seluku calmly took a breath before mentally requesting a follow up. Everything checked out as planned. Commander Seluku was where he knew they would be and just like Razzik had planned, there wasn’t an ork in range of their weapons.

Seluku opened his eyes and peered at Captain Razzik. “We are clear my Captain and outside the Kota System. No reports of enemies in range. Scanning servitors are en route to planets.”

“Keep everyone on alert until we have responses from our servitors.” Razzik responded as he paced the bridge.

With out any other word Commander Seluku closed his eyes and went back to work, it would be several hours before they received any response from the servitors, but for the time being they were safe and unnoticed floating in the darkness outside of the large Kota system. Razzik sent a message to his sergeants then continued to pace the bridge.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

With a faint whirring sound all of the planets in the Kota system revolved around the massive sun at its center before coming to a stop. The holographic image of the sun was the size of Razzik’s chest but all of the other planets in the system varied from the size of a fist to an eye. For a few minutes Razzik had wandered around the holographic projection taking in what he was seeing. Around the perimeter of the black walled room were all of the sergeants and members of command on the Frozen Rage, dispersed within them were some of the guest marines and naval officers. The only other person within the projection was Commander Seluku. He stood perfectly rigid like a bodyguard, right next to the tiny projection of the Frozen Rage.

Captain Razzik walked amongst the planets and approached an area somewhere between the fourth and fifth. At first glance it appeared another planet was there, but upon closer inspection it was actually a conglomerate of ork vessels. The ork rokks, hulks, and other vessels sat in such away that they almost looked like another planet. Razzik examined the formation and the vessels. The number of orks in just that area was unimaginable.

Finally Razzik sauntered over to Commander Seluku. Along the way he noticed all of the other vessels of various sizes floating in space between the other planets. The Kota system was choking with orks and the planets were churning out everything a Waaaaagh would need to destroy dozens of other systems.

“Flag the enemies.” Razzik said as he turned to look at the system from the perimeter. With a thought a servitor activated the label system in the holographic projection. The view of the Kota System was instantly filled with red enemy symbols. Several members of the officer staff gasped at the startling number of enemy tags.

“Add planetary orbits, enemy movements, and give me a calendar.” After every request from Razzik the servitor whirred and added another image onto the projection. Soon the floating ships and planets were all set on long lines. Across the floor was the calendar. Along the orbits small dates appeared to show when movements would reach certain points. Razzik turned to Commander Seluku and the image of the Frozen Rage. Commander Seluku peered at Razzik before giving him a slight nod.

Razzik looked around the room at his staff before speaking again, “Some where in this system is the information we need to prove to High Command the Dark Eldar are apart of this Waaagh.”

Razzik looked back to Seluku, “Suggestions?”

“From the moment the reports began to filter in I’ve been studying the information.” Commander Seluku began, “We’ve been here three days and the orks are stationed all around the system. Every planet has a heavy ork influence, except the first which is completely inhospitable. There are more ships and rokks in this system then all of the other systems being affected by the ork invasion combined.” Commander Seluku began to slowly wander in the projection.

“From what we saw before on Rokk Mekaroid the Dark Eldar were hidden within the rokk, I would assume they’d do the same here as well.” Techpriest Philosir said.

Razzik looked at the priest weighing his comment, “There must be a better way to narrow our search then looking at every Rokk, or planet for that matter.”

Brother Jaska of the Marines Chrysemys stepped forward from the perimeter and moved slowly passed Commander Seluku. Jaska examined a dark area of space. “If the Dark Eldar were hiding in the rokk away from the Orks, maybe we should be looking at an area where the orks aren’t.” Razzik moved across the room to join him and noticed that there was an area where the orks were not patrolling nor were there any enemy tags. In the space were some gas anomalies, but nothing that would prevent ships from passing. He nodded his head at the assessment, then began to notice the hordes of vessels between the Frozen Rage and the empty space in the system. Even with the skills of Commander Seluku, getting to that point unnoticed was impossible with a ship their size.

Captain Razzik began to tap his chin at the puzzle. After a few silent minutes Muttabriqu spoke up, “When were the other crusader fleets arriving and beginning their counter attack?”

Philosir looked at his datapad and responded, “The first fleet would have arrived three months ago in the Yuzin System. The last fleet would have arrived in the Jilda’Kajind System near the same time we arrived here.”

Captain Razzik smiled as Muttabriqu looked his way, “How long would it take for a ship to travel from the Yuzin System to here?” Razzik asked.

Philosir tapped away on his datapad before responding, “It looks like it would take a ship around four months.”

Razzik nodded and he began to think about what would happen once that ork vessel arrived here. “So when our first fleet arrived in Yuzin, the orks would’ve sent a runner to here. That should stir up the Waaaagh I’m sure. Let us wait and see what happens when they get here then. The Emperor may yet grant us a path.” Razzik turned back to Jaska and the dead zone. “Seluku get us half way to the outer orbit and anchor us. We need to see which of the orks are going to be attempting to stop the Emperors Crusades.”

“It shall be done.” He said with a bow.

Excellent!

great! its wonderful! love your writing

Stellar. Absolutely Stellar!

I loved it.

This sentence in the context of the paragraph it is in makes no sense to me.

"The bridge of the Frozen Rage was a bustle of activity, but it was quite chaos."

Did you mean that it (activity on the bridge) was "far from chaos"

In any event I look forward to seeing what happens.

Ma55ter_fett wrote:This sentence in the context of the paragraph it is in makes no sense to me.

"The bridge of the Frozen Rage was a bustle of activity, but it was quite chaos."

Did you mean that it (activity on the bridge) was "far from chaos"

In any event I look forward to seeing what happens.

No, I meant it to be that the bridge was full of activity. A kind of controlled chaos, which is what I would call a quiet chaos.

Which after typing I realized I put in quite not quiet. FIXED!

Thanks Ma55ter_fett

Ice did you make that entire starship part? Because that is pure awesome XD

Asherian Command wrote:Ice did you make that entire starship part? Because that is pure awesome XD

Yes, yes I did. Everything you see here has been written by me.

good work!

With several slaps and a churrchunk, all of the various weapons in the room touched the floor. The final churrchunk brought a smile to Cyaxeres’ face. He looked out at the Shattermantle PDF that complimented the naval security force, the Tundra Foxes. It was tradition that all planetary defense force recruits take a tour on a naval vessel before beginning their time in the true PDF force on Shattermantle.

The PDF men and women of Shattermantle on the Frozen Rage were still young; many had never seen more then a few battles. Only a few select veterans were spread amongst the numbers. Cyaxeres recognized a handful of them. Cyaxeres rarely got involved with the PDF but he knew morale was his job. Every Imperial soldier, Astartes or not, would be asked to lay down his life for the Imperium and that time may be soon. When Cyaxeres had entered the hall he had seen the change in the PDF and he knew he had made the right choice in coming down.

Now that the PDF commanders had finished their drills, all three hundred PDF stood at parade rest. The Company Commander introduced Cyaxeres, but he knew everyone in the room already knew who he was. For a moment the room was awkwardly silent. Finally Cyaxeres turned to the Company Commander, “Thank you Commander.”

Cyaxeres once again looked out over the assembled soldiers. He towered over all of them especially in his black power armor. Cyaxeres stepped away from the command staff and began to wander amongst the Tundra Foxes. As he approached them they would stiffen or avert their eyes from the fearsome visage of Cyaxeres. Only the veterans would give a look of defiance, Cyaxeres would smile at himself as they did. Eventually he returned to the front and when he did he removed his helmet so that all of the assembled soldiers could see his face.

“Commander, your Tundra Foxes appear to be well drilled.” A grin began to creep on the face of the company commander’s face. “However,” Cyaxeres paused,”I smell fear.” Cyaxeres glared out across the soldiers. He began to speak in a hushed tone. “Fear is something I am very familiar with. Fear is a useful tool, but there is something you need to know about fear.”
“Fear follows us.”
“Fear stalks us.”
“Fear can control us.”
“Fear sleeps with us, eats with us, and surrounds us. FEAR is everywhere!” he took a dramatic pause and with passion in his voice continued.
“But Fear is only an emotion. Fear can go away. Fear can be ignored. Fear can be stopped. Stopped with Faith! Faith in the Emperor and Faith in mankind!” he shouted. The atmosphere in the room was completely different. Cyaxeres looked around the room; the PDF no longer averted their eyes at his sight. He let his words sink into the soldiers around him. Finally he continued in a more somber tone.

“The Frozen Rage has brought us all over the Emperors domain. She is the only way we can return to our home. For next few days I ask one thing of you all. Protect her. Do not let any xenos set foot on her. If you can do that for me, I promise I’ll find a way for us to get out of here and return to Shattermantle.”

The Tundra Hawks responded with shouts of approval the company command swelled with pride at their unit. Eventually Cyaxeres gave the sign of the aquila. All three hundred Tundra Hawks saluted. He turned and left the hall. As he walked away from the hall he realized the speech may have been as much a benefit to the soldiers as himself. A determined look crossed his face and he set off to visit with the Ice Angels stationed around the ship.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

“These Ice Angels and their unorthodox methods and command structure are very disappointing. Guilliman would be furious at these sons of Sanguinius.” Kvothe spat. The other two marines in the room rolled their eyes knowing what would soon start. “The Codex Astartes specifically states the chapter master and his command lead the chapter, not some council of sergeants. This is bordering heretical the way they…..”

Honored Brother Inigo stood up startling fast, his chair flew behind him. It clattered across the floor before stopping against the wall. He glared at Kvothe and pointed. “I am TIRED of all of your complaining. Where in the Codex does it say that annoying your fellow marines is a good idea?”

Kvothe titled his head at the question, “It does not state that, per se but……….”

“Then keep your mouth shut! You will not be able to change the Ice Angels nor will you be able to change any of our attitudes about the situation.” Inigo added while shaking his finger at Kvothe. Kvothe simply stood up and grabbed his helmet off the table. He glared at Honored Brother Inigo once more before exiting to small room.

Inigo mumbled some words under his breath before walking over to his Thunder Hammer. The hammer was laying on its case; a velvet cloth covered the head of the revered weapon. Inigo motioned to pick up the weapon but paused before and gave a prayer to the Emperor. He then sighed and instead walked back to the table. Brother Nefas was at the table with his bolter. Honored Brother Inigo watched Brother Nefas disassemble the bolter with lightning speed. When he was completed he moved over to a small chest. He gingerly picked up the chest and sat it on the table next to the bolter.

Honored Brother Inigo realized he had never seen this chest before, yet he had shared this small suite with him for months now. The chest seemed simple enough but something about it made him incredibly curious of its contents.

Brother Nefas was a gaunt marine from the Sinners Chapter with fine grey hair and dark grey eyes. His armor was jet black, his helmet bright white, the only color on his armor was a red cloth over his right shoulder pad. He looked up at Brother Inigo as he opened up the chest. The chest opened with a whir and a click. Inigo began to sit up so that he could peer over the lid at its contents, but the look from Nefas made him stop.

Nefas took out several items from the chest, all of which appeared to be parts for a bolter. He quickly reassembled the bolter with all of the new parts. In a matter of minutes the standard pattern bolter was now a heavily customized weapon with a pistol grip. “Non timetis messor” was inscribed on the low profile scope and two barrels, one on top of the other, poked out the front. Finally Nefas took out four clips and an ammo drum from the chest.

Brother Inigo recognized the four clips but the drum had no markings on it other then a red aquila. He realized he was on the edge of his seat, the sight of the transformation was enthralling and he was dying to know what the other ammo was. Brother Nefas gave a faint smile as he moved four of the clips from the table onto his person. The drum disappeared into a pouch on his hip.

With a prayer on his lips Brother Nefas picked up the weapon, “May the Emperor bless my bolter and guide my rounds.” He then kissed the stock and looked at Honored Brother Inigo. Inigo sat with his mouth open. Slowly he began to grin at the thought of watching Brother Nefas murder the Emperors enemies.

Looking good!

Excellent work, as always Ice.

I did notice a small error in the second paragraph.
"...but he knew moral was his job."
In this case it should be "morale". Moral=feeling of good/bad, right/wrong. Morale= the mental well-being of a group, emotional drive, etc.

Other than that, its a fine story!

Ramos Asura wrote:Excellent work, as always Ice.

I did notice a small error in the second paragraph.
"...but he knew moral was his job."
In this case it should be "morale". Moral=feeling of good/bad, right/wrong. Morale= the mental well-being of a group, emotional drive, etc.

Other than that, its a fine story!

Fixed, Thanks!

Interesting, this bite sized method of new content delivery has me wanting moar.

I half expected Commander Cyaxeres to add "fear is the mind killer" to his speech.

Wonder scene Ice. Excellent job.

Ma55ter Fett, i was thinking the same thing!! haha

As was I

Ok my long overdue homework.

1. I like the inclusion of GMS marines. It really makes it more personal for those of use who have been part of it. I know that wasnt the question, but it happens.

2. While much improved, your introduction to new characters is still a bit clunky. Also, not a fan of the name "Tundra Hawks". Confused me for a minute, as I thought you just spelled thunderhawk incorrectly or ork-y.

Yeah. That got me confused as well.

whalemusic360 wrote:Ok my long overdue homework.

1. I like the inclusion of GMS marines. It really makes it more personal for those of use who have been part of it. I know that wasnt the question, but it happens.

2. While much improved, your introduction to new characters is still a bit clunky. Also, not a fan of the name "Tundra Hawks". Confused me for a minute, as I thought you just spelled thunderhawk incorrectly or ork-y.

I liked the name Tundra Hawks, but if any one has a better suggestion. I may be persuaded to change it.

IceAngel wrote:

whalemusic360 wrote:Ok my long overdue homework.

1. I like the inclusion of GMS marines. It really makes it more personal for those of use who have been part of it. I know that wasnt the question, but it happens.

2. While much improved, your introduction to new characters is still a bit clunky. Also, not a fan of the name "Tundra Hawks". Confused me for a minute, as I thought you just spelled thunderhawk incorrectly or ork-y.

I liked the name Tundra Hawks, but if any one has a better suggestion. I may be persuaded to change it.

How about this.....
Abraxos Damabiath
Which litterally means
Angel of Navy Construction
These two angel names are attributed to Heavens angels.

Its a good name, if it wasnt for thunderhawks

maybe put it in bold or italics (italics may make it feel too much like a ship's name) so that we can see quickly that it needs to be read as a unit, i had some trouble too but love the name.

Ma55ter_fett wrote:Interesting, this bite sized method of new content delivery has me wanting moar.

I half expected Commander Cyaxeres to add "fear is the mind killer" to his speech.

The Litany Against Fear

I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain.

I love the Dune Reference. I think the phrase, Fear is the mind-killer, is very iconic and not something I could get away with using without people thinking of Dune. As soon as you mentioned that it brought me back a few decades, lol. I should really go back and reread those books.