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Chibi Bodge-Battle wrote:Guess the care and understanding of another persons' predicament getting squished into pulp was to be expected.

Yeah, I would say that's a fairly accurate description of your post. You see, new parents aren't the only ones in a predicament. When you have a long term gaming group and people in it decide to have children they are also deciding to have less or no time for gaming. So that's the predicament that people with friends having children face. We lose our friends just as much as the people who have children lose us. Most importantly, to say that we are abandoning them makes about as much sense as saying that we were the ones who decided they should have kids. Getting over the "eff my life" and "you just can't understand" attitudes regarding not being single/childless anymore is the first step to not driving your friends or potential friends away.


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loranafaeriequeen wrote:Part of my other problem is that I'm too geeky to be girly and too girly to be geeky, so I don't fit in a lot of places.

This sounds like a problem unrelated to your kids.

lornafaeriequeen wrote:Many of the people that I know with children are pretty boring.

I hate to break it to you, but this is what your friends must have thought about you, too. And that's not because something is wrong with them.

Actually,I sort of understand the OPs point concerning alot of the people she encounters with children bieng a bit "boring".,and even though I'm quite sure many of my friends found me "boring" when my children were infants/toddlers,I still attempted to retain a bit of my "self".
Even now,that my children are older,I find it a bit "grating" to stand about with other couples at parents meetings or the kids "activities",discussing "mini van safety or lawn maintenace".
However,and this is good news for the OP...you will eventualy meet people who you find coman ground with,and some of your "lost friends" may return when your child gets a bit older (isn't quite as loud/needy/smelly).

Again, the thread is not about the poor souls who are forced to break a friendship due to the birth of a child.
The OP asked for advise, not "I hate kids for spoiling my game night" stories.

If a friend has children you can still maintain contact even if it does not involve gaming.

If one or two playmates start a family, how is this affecting your social/gaming life. Is the end really nigh? I fail to see how this is your predicament

If it is a problem start a thread and watch that get squished to a pulp of apathy by unfeeling members.

fwiw I won't be one of them.

Chibi Bodge-Battle wrote:Again, the thread is not about the poor souls who are forced to break a friendship due to the birth of a child. The OP asked for advise, not "I hate kids for spoiling my game night" stories

OP also stated that her friends abandoned her. My advice? Stop blaming your friends.

If a friend has children you can still maintain contact even if it does not involve gaming.

Now this has nothing to do with the thread topic.

If one or two playmates start a family, how is this affecting your social/gaming life. Is the end really nigh? I fail to see how this is your predicament

Then you simply aren't paying attention: Having children means having less time for gaming. When my friends have less time for games in a friendship maintained primarily through regular gaming days amid otherwise hectic adult working life, it is a predicament FOR ME.

If it is a problem start a thread and watch that get squished to a pulp of apathy by unfeeling members.

How about you start a thread complaining about unfeeling members instead?

I began this forum as a way to figure out how to make new friends and get back into my hobbies after having my son. I am very hurt that many of you believe that I have no right to this because I chose to have a child and that I am the one who abandoned my friends by having other responsibilities.

loranafaeriequeen wrote:I began this forum as a way to figure out how to make new friends and get back into my hobbies after having my son. I am very hurt that many of you believe that I have no right to this because I chose to have a child and that I am the one who abandoned my friends by having other responsibilities.

No one is saying that, although their words may seem harsh at first. Having children comes with responsibilities, and the other users are merely pointing out that some people prefer to be friends with unattached people because they are more free and unrestrained.

No one is saying that, although their words may seem harsh at first. Having children comes with responsibilities, and the other users are merely pointing out that some people prefer to be friends with unattached people because they are more free and unrestrained.

It still makes me feel as if I am being punished for being a mom. I'm lonely, I'm miserable, and I'm starting to lose my mind.

Nightwatch is pretty correct here but I just want to add my own clarification.

You did choose to have different priorities when you decided to have children. Look at it this way: your friends are now lower on your priority list, right? I mean, that should go without saying. Similarly, playing games is now lower on your priority list. Well, your friends' priorities did not change. They did not choose the changes that you have to accept and you can't expect them to do so.

If what I have written seems harsh, keep in mind that some of that has to do with defending that my perspective is even on topic against people who are twisting it into some kind of child-hating or mother-hating. Actually, lorana, you are doing that, too. It's not that you have no right to friends. It's just that you seem to be asking that friends should take your circumstances and priorities into consideration without doing the same for them.


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loranafaeriequeen wrote:It still makes me feel as if I am being punished for being a mom. I'm lonely, I'm miserable, and I'm starting to lose my mind.

Well, this thread has a lot of good advice for meeting people who are in a similar situation. But I think you must jettison thinking of yourself as abandoned or in some other way victimized by your decision to have children before following that advice will bear fruit.

Well, this thread has a lot of good advice for meeting people who are in a similar situation. But I think you must jettison thinking of yourself as abandoned or in some other way victimized by your decision to have children before following that advice will bear fruit.

fair enough on ditching the victim mentality.

loranafaeriequeen wrote:It still makes me feel as if I am being punished for being a mom. I'm lonely, I'm miserable, and I'm starting to lose my mind.

I'm sorry to hear that you feel that way. It's all the more reason you need to find more parent gamers, and adapt to a new pace of gaming than what you had before.

The other thing is you need to filter the replies here between those who are also parents, and those who aren't...

Not sure what you mean by filter, John. The fact is that if a person wonders why non-parent friends act the way they do, parents may not be the people to ask.


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@lorana: I feel like I should contextualize my strong feelings on this subject. I recently found myself on the non-parent side of a similar situation. Except in my case, it did not only involve losing gaming time but also a job that meant a lot to me. Basically, a friend's sudden decision to have children made the future of our nascent law practice untenable. When I stated as much and decided to leave the practice, I was accused of abandoning her because she was pregnant. The point that she failed to note was that by changing her priorities so drastically she had made my goals impossible.

in context, your comments make more sense, manchu.

my earlier comments about not having much in common with the people who i know who have kids, is that I didn't have much in common with them before we had kids. so it seems kind of dumb to just want to be friends with them because they have a kid my age. and my cousins really have turned into mindless zombie moms.

Well, I see what you mean now.

Let me assure you that it is hard for all adults to find other adults interested in stuff like 40k and RPGs. (You will notice, if you visit the RPG section on this site, a lot of yearning for a steady group and nostalgia for college days.) For that reason, I personally would welcome the opportunity to be friends with like-minded adults whether they had children or not. That just isn't the preference of a lot of people, especially people who are not on the way toward starting families.

Maybe you will be able to find some friends in your area here on Dakka. It's a big community and many of the regular posters are adults with families. It's not implausible that at least of few of them might also live in the Atlanta area. (In fact, my fiancee and I considered moving there ourselves.) In the meantime, I applaud your idea of going ahead with a hobby with your husband. I guess I should have included that among the disclaimers in my first post.

Dakka is a great site and I would encourage you to try and become part of this community (i.e., actively engaging in discussion--maybe especially here in OT where things are more social and less "business") as much as you are able so as to find the people in your area. We even have a schedule a game section that might work for you once you and your husband are further along in the hobby.

One thing the internet is great for is demonstrating that there is no reason to feel miserable because of loneliness. In a world this "small" you can always find people who share your interests.

Manchu wrote:Not sure what you mean by filter, John.

I mean, parents and non-parents will generally have different perspectives and opinions on the subject at hand.

I believe the children are our future

Teach them well and let them lead the way

Much like getting married, having children will reduce the time you spend with other people and your hobbies. This is why they're hobbies, not your life. Adjust to what time you have and treasure it. I've got a 6 week old son and between my wife and him, family time is 95% of my time. I might make it to the game shop once per month or so.

Last time I was there I picked up a box of the new killa kans. 2 weeks later, I've assembled 2 of them. I hope to have the last one assembled, and all of them primed by the time Ard Boyz rolls around.

Manchu is right. Many of your friends will resent your wee one. Others won't, but it cannot be denied that a baby is a huge drain on time and resources. I hope you knew that going in.

Accept the cost, for your young one is worth it. If you choose to view it as a sacrifice and look at what you're giving up and losing, you may easily end up resenting your young one. You have the chance to raise a human and mold them in your image! In between assembling my Kans, I taught my son to smile, and we've read him a story every night. He's started looking at the pictures when we go through it. I find him a constant source of pride and joy, cliche as that sounds. I don't expect to have any free time during this period, so every nap and full night's sleep (anything over 5 hours) is a wonderful bonus.

It is callous, but right now I don't feel I have much spare energy to devote to maintaining friendships. Family comes before friends, after all. Especially when every day can have such a long term impact on your baby.

I've got a 6 week old son and between my wife and him, family time is 95% of my time. I might make it to the game shop once per month or so.

Congratulations on the new baby.

Accept the cost, for your young one is worth it. If you choose to view it as a sacrifice and look at what you're giving up and losing, you may easily end up resenting your young one. You have the chance to raise a human and mold them in your image! In between assembling my Kans, I taught my son to smile, and we've read him a story every night. He's started looking at the pictures when we go through it. I find him a constant source of pride and joy, cliche as that sounds. I don't expect to have any free time during this period, so every nap and full night's sleep (anything over 5 hours) is a wonderful bonus.

I do not resent my son, and I understand how much fun he is. He does like to paint, and i've bought him little army men he can paint while i do my elves. I will grant you some of your platitudes because of the newness of your situation. Two years later after you've watched your 500th episode of the Fresh Beat Band or Wonder Pets, and you can't remember the last time you had a meaningful conversation with an adult about something other than your child and you aren't a little nostalgic for your pre-child life, well then you're a better person than me.




question to others: To those who are married or have girlfriends, how many of your wives/girlfriends participate in miniatures/wargaming?

loranafaeriequeen wrote:question to others: To those who are married or have girlfriends, how many of your wives/girlfriends participate in miniatures/wargaming?

My wife does not.

Ditto; I had a gamer girl for 2 years prior and she was evil incarnate. Wife and myself have been together for 7 years now and that part of our life doesn't overlap (though she my harshest painting critic). Works for us, though I know for many couples it works well t'other way. Indeed, due to best man to a gamer couple in a few weeks. Different strokes, and so forth.

My wife thinks I am a nut.

But then all my hobbies are acceptable until she finds out I enjoy them.

My fiancee is not into any geeky stuff, aside from watching a few movies or TV shows with me once in a while. I don't mind at all.

Manchu wrote:My fiancee is not into any geeky stuff, aside from watching a few movies or TV shows with me once in a while. I don't mind at all.

Same here - I'm actually glad that my missus doesn't share hardly any of my hobbies. It just seems to make things a little more... interesting.

the original question posted here was do you think doing this together is going to ruin my marriage? based on earlier comments, it seemed to suggest it might.

Depends on your army.

loranafaeriequeen wrote:so is me playing warhammer with my husband going to kill my marriage?

Oh no, absolutely not, in my opinion. Like I said, I find the fact that my partner and I have differing tastes keeps things interesting - obviously we're not diametrically opposed! We DO share some things that we like to do (some of which can't be mentioned on a family forum such as this! ), but variety is the spice of life. I've been out with people who liked exactly the same stuff as me - music, film, literature etc. - it just got boring after a while.

'Oh hey, what do you think of Nick Drake?'

"Yeah, he's awesome"

'Yep, he certainly is... yup, yup yup... pretty sweet.... hey, what's on TV?'

I find it dull to agree all the time, but then that's just me.

My wife can be persuaded to paint some terrain occasionally, which is nice.

As far as friends ditching you when you have kids... Feth 'em. They weren't as good of friends as you thought, otherwise I believe that's referred to as "growing apart." People come into our lives and sometimes they stay and usually they don't. Find some new friends that also have kids(or don't make you having kids somehow about them) that have similar interests.

I'm moving 3,000 miles this summer so I'll be in the same boat as you, OP. 12,000 points of Models all dressed up and nowhere to go. I plan on hanging around the LGS and starting from scratch. Seemed to work pretty well here.

loranafaeriequeen wrote:i realize i have a penchant for melodrama

Wow, you really do. You posted a question just now, and in the time it took two people to answer it (fairly reasonably, I might add) you removed it and replaced it with a rant because... everyone's a big meanie. Or something.

Chill. Out.

Seriously, no-one has said anything that bad to you - the whole 'victim' thing? Not cool.

i'm sorry for ranting and going off on people. it's not anyone's fault. i just feel really crappy about a lot of stuff right now. and i'm taking a lot of stuff too personally because of it.

loranafaeriequeen wrote:i'm sorry for ranting and going off on people. it's not anyone's fault. i just feel really crappy about a lot of stuff right now. and i'm taking a lot of stuff too personally because of it.

Is this your first time posting in a forum? Sometimes if you read something a couple of times over you realize the thing that looked like someone totally douching you was actually nothing of the sort.

Just a tip.

thanks.