Forum adverts like this one are shown to any user who is not logged in. Join us by filling out a tiny 3 field form and you will get your own, free, dakka user account which gives a good range of benefits to you:
No adverts like this in the forums anymore.
Times and dates in your local timezone.
Full tracking of what you have read so you can skip to your first unread post, easily see what has changed since you last logged in, and easily see what is new at a glance.
Email notifications for threads you want to watch closely.
Being a part of the oldest wargaming community on the net.
If you are already a member then feel free to login now.
2010/08/19 07:24:42
Subject: Re:Tell the funniest joke you ever heard.
No offense Imbad but the funniest 40k joke I've ever heard is your sig... What kind of limey, yellowbellied grot needs a microphone? Any warboss worth his choppa will have mastered the art of BELLOWIN ATDA TOP UV 'IS DAMN LUNGZ!!!!!!!! WAAAGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*optimist hat engaged*Several posts deleted, if we could try and keep it roughly to a Pg13 rating please. ta.
The poor man really has a stake in the country. The rich man hasn't; he can go away to New Guinea in a yacht. The poor have sometimes objected to being governed badly; the rich have always objected to being governed at all
We love our superheroes because they refuse to give up on us. We can analyze them out of existence, kill them, ban them, mock them, and still they return, patiently reminding us of who we are and what we wish we could be.
"the play's the thing wherein I'll catch the conscience of the king,
Minnesota, land of 10,000 Lakes and 10,000,000,000 Mosquitos
A couple of my favorites.
In today's news, Roger Daltrey, Pete Townshend, John Entwistle and Keith Moon were arrested today for releasing all the hounds from a local zoo, possibly under the influence. One police officer commented that for the first time ever, The Who let the dogs out.
Some sad news today, as a young man known as the human cannonball at a local circus was injured during a performance. After climbing into his cannon, his donkey companion from his act followed him into the cannon as it was firing. According to surgeons who operated after the accident, it took them three hours to remove his head from his ass.
Two monks were arrested today after trying to sell flowers on the lawn of the Playboy Mansion. Hugh Hefner reportedly called the police after finding out about these two loitering on his property. As one officer commented, only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
A man was found dead today in a locally owned rice field, apparently having been beaten to death by a matryoshka doll which was found on the scene. An officer on the scene commented that this may well be the first known occurrence of a knick-knack paddy whack.
My Armies:
Kal'reia Sept Tau - Farsight Sympathizers Da Great Looted Waaagh! The Court of the Wolf Lords
What do you get if you insert human DNA into a goat?
Banned from the petting zoo.
So.... there I was at the Wailing Wall. Looking an idiot. With my harpoon.
The poor man really has a stake in the country. The rich man hasn't; he can go away to New Guinea in a yacht. The poor have sometimes objected to being governed badly; the rich have always objected to being governed at all
We love our superheroes because they refuse to give up on us. We can analyze them out of existence, kill them, ban them, mock them, and still they return, patiently reminding us of who we are and what we wish we could be.
"the play's the thing wherein I'll catch the conscience of the king,
What's blue and orange and sits at the bottom of a pool?
-A baby with it's water-wingies slashed.
Whats red and orange and floats at the top of a pool?
-Water-wingies with it's baby slashed.
What's the difference between a Ferarri and a pile of dead babies?
-I don't have a Ferrari in my garage.
What's worse than a barrel full of dead babies?
-Two barrels full of dead babies.
What's worse than that?
-One live baby at the bottom who has to eat it's way out.
What's worse than that?
-He went back for seconds.
What's worse than a baby nailed to a tree?
-A baby nailed to 10 trees.
How do you get a baby to stop crawling in circles?
-Nail it's other hand to the floor.
A man is rushing into work with a pair of waffles precariously perched on top of his coffee mug. They sway and slide, but he adjusts it in the nick of time. Finally, he makes it to his desk. His coworker says, "Why don't you just make two trips and carry the waffles seperately?"
To which the first worker replies, "What? Waffles are part of a well balanced breakfast."
Klawz-Ramming is a subset of citrus fruit?
Gwar- "And everyone wants a bigger Spleen!"
Mercurial wrote:
I admire your aplomb and instate you as Baron of the Seas and Lord Marshall of Privateers.
Orkeosaurus wrote:Star Trek also said we'd have X-Wings by now. We all see how that prediction turned out.
Orkeosaurus, on homophobia, the nature of homosexuality, and the greatness of George Takei.
English doesn't borrow from other languages. It follows them down dark alleyways and mugs them for loose grammar.
Commander Endova wrote:What's blue and orange and sits at the bottom of a pool?
-A baby with it's water-wingies slashed.
Whats red and orange and floats at the top of a pool?
-Water-wingies with it's baby slashed.
What's the difference between a Ferarri and a pile of dead babies?
-I don't have a Ferrari in my garage.
What's worse than a barrel full of dead babies?
-Two barrels full of dead babies.
What's worse than that?
-One live baby at the bottom who has to eat it's way out.
What's worse than that?
-He went back for seconds.
What's worse than a baby nailed to a tree?
-A baby nailed to 10 trees.
How do you get a baby to stop crawling in circles?
-Nail it's other hand to the floor.
Whats the difference between a truck load of bricks and a truck load of dead babies? You can't unload the bricks with a pitch fork.
People are like dice, a certain Frenchman said that. You throw yourself in the direction of your own choosing. People are free because they can do that. Everyone's circumstances are different, but no matter how small the choice, at the very least, you can throw yourself. It's not chance or fate. It's the choice you made.
Q: Why did the woman cross the road?
A: Who gives a gak, what the feth was she doing out of the kitchen?
Q: What do you call the useless fleshy part around a woman's vagina?
A: Her name!
Q: What is ET short for?
A: So that when he walks around inside his tiny little spaceship he doesn't bang his head.
Q: Doctor, doctor, I don't know if I am a teepee or a wigwam? What should I do? What am IIIIII? A TEEPEE or a WIGWAM?! Help me, oh god, won't somebody please help me?
A: Calm down, calm down, you are two tents. (too tense)
Q: Why does Gary Glitter like twenty-five year olds?
A: Because there are twenty of them!
This message was edited 2 times. Last update was at 2010/08/19 15:06:18
Though guards may sleep and ships may lay at anchor, our foes know full well that big guns never tire.
The lone female gorilla at the local zoo was in heat, and causing a lot of problems with her handlers. Finding a male gorilla proved impossible, and eventually the management decided something drastic had to be done, and they subvertly put out the message that someone... anyone was needed to perform certain 'unnatural' acts in order to relieve the primate in question of her natural desires for nine-hundred dollars. Paddy, the badger-keeper, was intriuged, and approached the coordinator of the primate section with his terms.
"I have three conditions. First," he said to the manager, "No one can know about it. No one is ever to know, understand?"
The manager was quite happy to oblige.
"Secondly," Paddy indicated seriously, "There is to be no tongue-kissing."
A little confused, the manager assured him that this would not be a problem.
"Okay, great. There's just one more thing..."
"Yes? Yes? Anything, what is it?"
"It might take me a week or two for me to come up with the $900."
This message was edited 1 time. Last update was at 2010/08/19 16:02:59
Jimmy Carter voted for Obama so he wouldnt be known as the worst president ever
Imperial Crusaders: 7,500 points
“Brothers, what we do on the battlefield is not just for our chapter but, for the entire Imperium. Every Xenos that falls by our hands will be a testament to our unwavering duty to the Emperor. Every heretic that is crushed under our feet will be a testament to our undying loyalty to the citizens of Imperial Space. We will baptize ourselves in fire and emerge as the most steadfast defenders of humanity.” - qoute from my own homegrown chapter
This thread is full of win. I'll leave some classics here.
How do you make a cat sound like a dog?
You cover it with gasoline and then light it on fire; it goes WHOOOOOOOOF!
How do you make a dog sound like a cat?
Put it in a deep freezer for a week, then cut it in half with a circular saw; it goes RRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOWWWWWW!
reds8n wrote:*optimist hat engaged*Several posts deleted, if we could try and keep it roughly to a Pg13 rating please. ta.
I'm not at all sure what this means, but the broad notion amongst Dakkites that infanticide is somehow better than posting a series of "classic" ethnic / n*ggr & P*lck / r*trd jokes doesn't really sit well with me. If this trend continues, I'm probably out of this thread, as I'm just not into baby-guro.
I'd rather see stuff like this:
So this hunter goes into the woods to hunt a bear and takes with him his trusty rifle.
After a little while, he spots a very large bear, takes aim, and fires. When the smoke clears, though, the bear is gone.
A moment later the bear taps this guy on the shoulder and says, "No one shoots at me and gets away with it. You have two choices: I can either rip your throat out and eat you alive, or you can drop your trousers, bend over, and I'll do you in the ass."
The hunter figures that anything is better than death, so he drops his trousers, bends over, and the bear delivers on his promise.
After the bear leaves, the hunter pulls up his trousers and staggers into town vowing revenge.
He buys a much larger gun and returns to the forest. He sees the same bear, takes aim, and fires. When the smoke clears, the bear once again is gone. A moment later, the bear taps him on the shoulder and says, "You know what to do."
Afterwards, the hunter pulls up his trousers and crawls back into town. Now he's really mad, so he buys himself a bazooka.
He returns to the forest, sees the bear, aims, and fires.
When the smoke clears this time, the bear taps him on the shoulder and says, "You're not REALLY here for the hunting, are you?"
Yesterday I was arrested for simple assault.....I attacked a guy with an inclined plane and a few pulleys.
And so, due to rising costs of maintaining the Golden Throne, the Emperor's finest accountants spoke to the Demigurg. A deal was forged in blood and extensive paperwork for a sub-prime mortgage with a 5/1 ARM on the Imperial Palace. And lo, in the following years the housing market did tumble and the rate skyrocketed leaving the Emperor's coffers bare. A dark time has begun for the Imperium, the tithes can not keep up with the balloon payments and the Imperial Palace and its contents, including the Golden Throne, have fallen into foreclosure. With an impending auction on the horizon mankind holds its breath as it waits to see who will gain possession of the corpse-god and thus, the fate of humanity......
A husband and his wife to to the husbands 10 year reunion.
They are sitting at the table and at the table across from them they see a lady with alot of scotch.
The husband says "That is my old girlfriend. When i dumped here i hear she utrned to the bottles. Never been the same sense"
The wife said"who knew she could celebrate for so long?'
-to many points to bother to count.
mattyrm wrote:i like the idea of a woman with a lobster claw for a hand touching my nuts. :-)
2010/08/20 03:58:44
Subject: Re:Tell the funniest joke you ever heard.
Locclo wrote:
Some sad news today, as a young man known as the human cannonball at a local circus was injured during a performance. After climbing into his cannon, his donkey companion from his act followed him into the cannon as it was firing. According to surgeons who operated after the accident, it took them three hours to remove his head from his ass.
So, a bear and a rabbit were squatting next to each other in the woods, crapping.
The bear turns to the rabbit and says, "Do you have problems with sh** sticking to your fur?"
The rabbit says, "No. Why?"
So, the bear picks the rabbit up & wipes his *ss with him.
What's black & white & red all over and can't go through a revolving door?
A nun with a spear through her chest.
This one's gonna be difficult. It's a long one. Probably better spoken, but here goes...
Little Johnny's only 6 and already, he's got a dirty mouth. Damned dirty. He'd make half of you here blush. Everyone knows it, too.
So, in class one day, the teacher announces today's language lesson. She's going to name a letter of the alphabet & choose someone in the class to say a word that starts with that letter.
"A," starts the teacher.
Well, of course, Johnny's hand shoots up. Thinking the better of it, she chooses Suzy, who says, "Apple."
After congratulating Suzy on a job well done, she moves on to "b." Of course, Johnny's hand shoots up again and, once again, she avoids him. Little Timmy says "Baseball."
Another kudos. For Timmy, this time.
This process continues; C,D,E,F... Every time, she's just too afraid to choose Johnny.
Finally, she reaches "R." As always, Johnny's hand is in the air. Thinking hard, she just can't think of a bad word that starts with "R."
"Okay, Johnny," she relents, "What's your word?"
"Rats!"
"Wow, Johnny! Very good," she replies.
"Yeah," he says, "Rats... With d*cks, this F***ing big!"
Eric
Black Fiend wrote: Okay all the ChapterHouse Nazis to the right!! All the GW apologists to the far left. LETS GET READY TO RUMBLE !!!
The Green Git wrote: I'd like to cross section them and see if they have TFG rings, but that's probably illegal.
Polonius wrote: You have to love when the most clearly biased person in the room is claiming to be objective. Greebynog wrote:Us brits have a sense of fair play and propriety that you colonial savages can only dream of. Stelek wrote: I know you're afraid. I want you to be. Because you should be. I've got the humiliation wagon all set up for you to take a ride back to suck city.
Quote: LunaHound--- Why do people hate unpainted models? I mean is it lacking the realism to what we fantasize the plastic soldier men to be? I just can't stand it when people have fun the wrong way. - Chongara
I do believe that the GW "moneysheep" is a dying breed, despite their bleats to the contrary. - AesSedai You are a thief and a predator of the wargaming community, and i'll be damned if anyone says differently ever again on my watch in these forums. -MajorTom11
MagickalMemories wrote:So, a bear and a rabbit were squatting next to each other in the woods, crapping.
The bear turns to the rabbit and says, "Do you have problems with sh** sticking to your fur?"
The rabbit says, "No. Why?"
So, the bear picks the rabbit up & wipes his *ss with him.
What's black & white & red all over and can't go through a revolving door?
A nun with a spear through her chest.
This one's gonna be difficult. It's a long one. Probably better spoken, but here goes...
Little Johnny's only 6 and already, he's got a dirty mouth. Damned dirty. He'd make half of you here blush. Everyone knows it, too.
So, in class one day, the teacher announces today's language lesson. She's going to name a letter of the alphabet & choose someone in the class to say a word that starts with that letter.
"A," starts the teacher.
Well, of course, Johnny's hand shoots up. Thinking the better of it, she chooses Suzy, who says, "Apple."
After congratulating Suzy on a job well done, she moves on to "b." Of course, Johnny's hand shoots up again and, once again, she avoids him. Little Timmy says "Baseball."
Another kudos. For Timmy, this time.
This process continues; C,D,E,F... Every time, she's just too afraid to choose Johnny.
Finally, she reaches "R." As always, Johnny's hand is in the air. Thinking hard, she just can't think of a bad word that starts with "R."
"Okay, Johnny," she relents, "What's your word?"
"Rats!"
"Wow, Johnny! Very good," she replies.
"Yeah," he says, "Rats... With d*cks, this F***ing big!"
Eric
I can think of a dirty word that starts with R... Republican!
Minnesota, land of 10,000 Lakes and 10,000,000,000 Mosquitos
mattyboy22 wrote:Yesterday I was arrested for simple assault.....I attacked a guy with an inclined plane and a few pulleys.
I for one love science humor.
Two atoms are walking down the street one day, and one of them says to the other:
"Hey, wait up a second. I think I lost an electron"
The first atom replied, "Are you sure?"
The second atom exclaimed, "Yes, I'm positive!"
My Armies:
Kal'reia Sept Tau - Farsight Sympathizers Da Great Looted Waaagh! The Court of the Wolf Lords
“Brothers, what we do on the battlefield is not just for our chapter but, for the entire Imperium. Every Xenos that falls by our hands will be a testament to our unwavering duty to the Emperor. Every heretic that is crushed under our feet will be a testament to our undying loyalty to the citizens of Imperial Space. We will baptize ourselves in fire and emerge as the most steadfast defenders of humanity.” - qoute from my own homegrown chapter
<-- Finally, level 666! 
Kal'reia Sept Tau - Farsight Sympathizers 
Da Great Looted Waaagh! 
The Court of the Wolf Lords 
5000pts
4000pts
Imperial Crusaders: 7,500 points
“Brothers, what we do on the battlefield is not just for our chapter but, for the entire Imperium. Every Xenos that falls by our hands will be a testament to our unwavering duty to the Emperor. Every heretic that is crushed under our feet will be a testament to our undying loyalty to the citizens of Imperial Space. We will baptize ourselves in fire and emerge as the most steadfast defenders of humanity.” - qoute from my own homegrown chapter 
-- $k 
-- 9k 
-- 6k 
-- 4k 
-- 
-to many points to bother to count.
The Tainted - Pending
