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Topic says it all.

"I would have been your dad, Except the dog beat me up the stairs." (more of an insult but funny all the same)

Funniest joke I heard in the last 20 minutes:

Statistically, six out of seven dwarves aren't happy.

Only funny because my 2 year old granddaughter told me out of the blue:

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Cargo.
Cargo who?
Cargo beep beep grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

I can't tell my favorite due to the prudish nature of society, so i'll tell my favorite "church" joke.

A man goes skydiving, and after jumping pulls his cord. Nothing happens. He pulls the spare. Nothing happens.

Plummeting to his certain death, he sees another man flying up to meet him, covered in soot and cinders. He shouts to him "Hey, do you know anything about parachutes?"

"No," the other man replies. "Do you know anything about gas stoves?"

The Killing Joke
by the Joker

"See, there were these two guys in a lunatic asylum... and one night, one night they decide they don't like living in an asylum any more. They decide they're going to escape! So, like, they get up onto the roof, and there, just across this narrow gap, they see the rooftops of the town, stretching away in the moon light... stretching away to freedom. Now, the first guy, he jumps right across with no problem. But his friend, his friend didn't dare make the leap. Y'see... Y'see, he's afraid of falling. So then, the first guy has an idea... He says "Hey! I have my flashlight with me! I'll shine it across the gap between the buildings. You can walk along the beam and join me!" B-but the second guy just shakes his head. He suh-says... He says "Wh-what do you think I am? Crazy? You'd turn it off when I was half way across!"

Still gets me to laugh

What kind of bees give milk?


Boo-bees!

I think this is hilarious.

http://failbook.com/2010/08/12/funny-facebook-fails-joke-without-a-proper-punchline/

A deeply religeous man gets caught up in a tidal wave and washed out to sea, whilst clinging to a piece of wood he prays to his god "Oh lord I have lived a good and clean life, please find it in your infinate wisdom to save me". About 5 minutes later a fishing boat appears and offers to pull him aboard, the man says "no need my friend my god will save me" after a few minutes trying to save him the boat sails on looking for other survivors. 10 minutes later another boat appears and offers to save the man, again he refuses help, insistant the "my god will save me". 30 minutes later a rescue helicopter appears over head and lowers a winch to lift the man up, once more he refuses convinced that his god will save him. Eventualy the mans strength fails and he lets go of the wood and drowns. He comes around and finds himself face to face with his god and asks of him "Oh wise and powerful god, why did you forsake me in my hour of need, why did you allow me to die" to which his god replies "You stupid bastard I sent you two boats and a helicopter what more did you want?"

What'd the leper say to the hooker?





Keep the tip.

squilverine wrote:A deeply religeous man gets caught up in a tidal wave and washed out to sea, whilst clinging to a piece of wood he prays to his god "Oh lord I have lived a good and clean life, please find it in your infinate wisdom to save me". About 5 minutes later a fishing boat appears and offers to pull him aboard, the man says "no need my friend my god will save me" after a few minutes trying to save him the boat sails on looking for other survivors. 10 minutes later another boat appears and offers to save the man, again he refuses help, insistant the "my god will save me". 30 minutes later a rescue helicopter appears over head and lowers a winch to lift the man up, once more he refuses convinced that his god will save him. Eventualy the mans strength fails and he lets go of the wood and drowns. He comes around and finds himself face to face with his god and asks of him "Oh wise and powerful god, why did you forsake me in my hour of need, why did you allow me to die" to which his god replies "You stupid bastard I sent you two boats and a helicopter what more did you want?"

I like the 40k version better!

Three schoolgirls which are friends begin complaining about their repetetive lunch cycle. The redheaded one says " if i get salad again, im going to kill myself." the brunnete says " if i get a hotdog again, im going to kill myself too!" then the blonde says "if i get a sandwhich im also going kill myself. Tomorrow the three girls where right about their lunches and took their own life. The redheaded mothers girl said "i did not know she hated salad so much..." the brunnete's mom said " i did not know she disliked hot dogs..." the blonde's mother said "she packs her own lunch."





HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.



sorry....>_>

I got a Lawyers joke.

SO there's this truck driver, and he really really hates Lawyers. Whenever he sees one on the side of the road, he goes out of his way to run them over when he sees them.

So one day, this trucker picks up a hitch hiking priest. Down the road he notices a lawyer, and naturally without thinking pulls up onto the curb to run him over. Then he thinks, "Wait, there's a priest in my truck!" He turns away, bumping the curb with a loud thump. He stops a mile down the road, and turns to the priest. He says, "Forgive me father, I almost hit that lawyer with my truck." The priest replies, "You don't have to apologize. You're aim was a little off by I knocked him over with the door."

The England World Cup Squad, 2010.

Ithankyou!

Blitza da warboy wrote:Three schoolgirls which are friends begin complaining about their repetetive lunch cycle. The redheaded one says " if i get salad again, im going to kill myself." the brunnete says " if i get a hotdog again, im going to kill myself too!" then the blonde says "if i get a sandwhich im also going kill myself. Tomorrow the three girls where right about their lunches and took their own life. The redheaded mothers girl said "i did not know she hated salad so much..." the brunnete's mom said " i did not know she disliked hot dogs..." the blonde's mother said "she packs her own lunch."

Epic

ok i gots a good one.

Thi is not approprate for anyone under 18. Still funniest joke ever

A cucumber, a pickle, and a penis are talking.

The cucumber says " i have the worst life, people chop me up in salad and eat me.

The pickle says, "i 've got it worse, people eat me whole."

The penis says," Thts nothing. Somtimes my owner beats me, then sometimes he puts a plastic bag over my head,sticks me in a dark hole and bangs on me until i throw up!"

JFizzle51 wrote:ok i gots a good one.

Thi is not approprate for anyone under 18. Still funniest joke ever

A cucumber, a pickle, and a penis are talking.

The cucumber says " i have the worst life, people chop me up in salad and eat me.

The pickle says, "i 've got it worse, people eat me whole."

The penis says," Thts nothing. Somtimes my owner beats me, then sometimes he puts a plastic bag over my head,sticks me in a dark hole and bangs on me until i throw up!"

Double Epic!

Is that your head or did your neck just puke?

Automatically Appended Next Post:

LordofHats wrote:I got a Lawyers joke.

It's a good one, but it's not really a lawyer's joke.
Or at least it wasn't as I first heard it.

____

I like this one:

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?". The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"


Tho if we're able to tell them all, "You're not here for the hunting, are you?" never fails to get a snicker out of me.

What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?

Nothing, you've already told her twice.

Justin Beiber.

CrashUSAR wrote:Justin Beiber.

That's a tragedy, not a joke.

JohnHwangDD wrote:Automatically Appended Next Post:

LordofHats wrote:I got a Lawyers joke.

It's a good one, but it's not really a lawyer's joke.
Or at least it wasn't as I first heard it.

I can only assume someone made the same joke at some point in time but used a different word

Thanks for the accusation though. It's real friendly.

Unfortunately for agoraphobics, the cure is just around the corner.

@LoH: No accusation, just noting that we don't tell ethnic jokes like people did "in the good old days".

JohnHwangDD wrote:@LoH: No accusation, just noting that we don't tell ethnic jokes like people did "in the good old days".

Meh, it's an improvement. I like the Lawyers version better. The only Lawyer I ever liked was Sam Waterson.

Albatross wrote:What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?

Nothing, you've already told her twice.

How do you make your dishwasher into a snowblower?

Give her a shovel.

2 peanuts are walking down the street

one was aSALTed....peanut

"The very definition of irony? Obama is the most powerful black man in America and he still has to live in government housing."


What's the best thing Kurt Cobain ever released?





The safety on the shot gun.

Edit: Also, inb4threadlock!