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mattyboy22 wrote:Yesterday I was arrested for simple assault.....I attacked a guy with an inclined plane and a few pulleys.
I for one love science humor.
Two atoms are walking down the street one day, and one of them says to the other:
"Hey, wait up a second. I think I lost an electron"
The first atom replied, "Are you sure?"
The second atom exclaimed, "Yes, I'm positive!"
Yay!
Please don't attach non wargaming images to Dakka. Thanks.
This message was edited 1 time. Last update was at 2010/08/20 14:59:46
Samus_aran115 wrote:Screw you cannerus! That was mean. Seriously...Mean..Like really...Like, totally.
Yeah.
Totally mean.
About that only thing I've ever heard that mean was this time some guy bragged on an internet forum about stealing someone's model just because he didn't like him...
Eric
Black Fiend wrote: Okay all the ChapterHouse Nazis to the right!! All the GW apologists to the far left. LETS GET READY TO RUMBLE !!!
The Green Git wrote: I'd like to cross section them and see if they have TFG rings, but that's probably illegal.
Polonius wrote: You have to love when the most clearly biased person in the room is claiming to be objective. Greebynog wrote:Us brits have a sense of fair play and propriety that you colonial savages can only dream of. Stelek wrote: I know you're afraid. I want you to be. Because you should be. I've got the humiliation wagon all set up for you to take a ride back to suck city.
Quote: LunaHound--- Why do people hate unpainted models? I mean is it lacking the realism to what we fantasize the plastic soldier men to be? I just can't stand it when people have fun the wrong way. - Chongara
I do believe that the GW "moneysheep" is a dying breed, despite their bleats to the contrary. - AesSedai You are a thief and a predator of the wargaming community, and i'll be damned if anyone says differently ever again on my watch in these forums. -MajorTom11
I am both selfish and chaotic. I value self-gratification and control; I want to have things my way, preferably now. At best, I'm entertaining and surprising; at worst, I'm hedonistic and violent.
2010/08/21 01:03:49
Subject: Re:Tell the funniest joke you ever heard.
what do toilets and anniverseries have incommon? Men always miss them.
A wife wake up to find her husband crying on th couch. She asks whats wrong. he says"remember when i got you pregnant and you dad said i could maryy you or go to jail for having sex with a minor?" She says "Yeah?" He says "well today is the day i would get out of jail"
-to many points to bother to count.
mattyrm wrote:i like the idea of a woman with a lobster claw for a hand touching my nuts. :-)
A woman walks into the Grocery store. She goes up to a worker and says,
"I'd like Lettuce, Pumpkins and Tomatoes, please"
The Man replies, "I'm sorry, we're out of tomatoes"
"Ok then, I guess I'll have Beetroot, Carrots and Tomatoes then"
The Man again says "Look, we have no Tomatoes"
"Fine, just get me some Bananas, Onions and Tomatoes"
The man gets angry and shouts, "What happens if you take the B out of Brocolli?"
"Rocolli"
"What happens if you take the C out of Cauliflower?"
"Auliflower"
"And what happens if the take the F out of Tomatoes?"
"But there is not F in Tomatoes"
"And that's what I was trying to tell you"
Thats what they all say. And I found them first when I was young too, doesn't mean others should.
Anyway I think 2 days before thread lock. 6 at the outside chance.
"Praise Be To The Omissiah!"
"Three things make the Empire great: Faith, Steel and Gunpowder!"
Azarath Metrion Zinthos
Expect my posts to have a bazillion edits. I miss out letters, words, sometimes even entire sentences in my points and posts.
Two Buddhist monks were going on a long journey in the Himalayas when the younger monk noticed that no food had been taken for the trip.
"Buddha will provide", was all the older monk said about it.
After days of travel with no food, the younger monk was getting faint with hunger and expressed his fears of death by starvation.
"Buddha will provide". was all the older monk said.
After another half day of travel, the monks found a dead Yak, which the younger monk immediatly proceeded to eat chunks of.
When he was done, he noticed that the older monk had not partaken and chided him for being too fastidious.
"Buddha will provide", was all the older monk said.
As the monks traveled further down the trail, the Yak the younger monk had eaten began to disagree with him. Soon he was doubled over, vomiting in the snow.
At this point, the older monk pulled out his chopsticks and said,"Buddha has provided you with a frozen Yak to eat, but he has provided me with a warm meal."
2010/08/21 14:41:21
Subject: Re:Tell the funniest joke you ever heard.
VikingScott wrote:Thats what they all say. And I found them first when I was young too, doesn't mean others should. Anyway I think 2 days before thread lock. 6 at the outside chance.
Notice the unsure smiley, I turned out anything but fine.
And yeah, sooner or later someone will post a joke so abominable that the thread gets locked. I'll get that ball rolling...
There once was a Black and White Space Marine on a Black and White bike, and being the hero type person he was, wanted to marry the Chapter Master's daughter.
So he went up to the palace and the guard naturally enquired "Who goes there?", to which he replied "I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike and I want to marry the commander's daughter".
"Not *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike?" asked the guard, with a not unconsiderable amount of awe in his voice.
"Yes, I'm *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike."
"OK, pass."
So the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike proceeded up to the commander's chamber.
"Who goes there?" Asked the commander.
"I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike and I want to marry your daughter," replied the Black and White Space Marine.
"Not *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike?"
"Yes, *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike."
"OK, if you complete three tasks, you may take my daughter's hand in marriage."
The commander told the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike. "Your first task is to slay the dragon on Xylon III."
On his way out the guard once again asked "Who goes there?", to which he replied "I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike and I want to marry the commander's daughter."
"Not *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike?"
"Yes, *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike."
"OK, pass."
The Black and White Space Marine then proceeded with ease to kill the dragon and six months later returned with the head of the foul beast.
On his way into the palace the guard enquired "who goes there?", to which he replied "I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike and I want to marry the commander's daughter".
"Not *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike?"
"Yes, *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike."
"OK, pass"
So the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike proceeded up to the commander's chamber.
"Who goes there?" Asked the commander.
"I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike and I want to marry your daughter" Replied the Black and White Space Marine.
"Not *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike?"
"Yes,*the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike."
"OK, if you complete three tasks, you may take my daughter's hand in marriage" The commander told the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike. "Your second task is to climb the highest peak on Desgrus Beta".
On his way out the guard once again asked "Who goes there"?", to which he replied "I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike and I want to marry the commander's daughter".
"Not *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike?"
"Yes, *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike."
"OK, pass."
The Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike easily climbed the mountain and returned 4 years later.
On his way into the palace the guard enquired "who goes there?", to which he replied "I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike and I want to marry the commander's daughter".
"Not *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike?"
"Yes, *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike."
"OK, pass." So the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike proceeded up to the commander's chamber.
"Who goes there?" Asked the commander.
"I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike and I want to marry your daughter" Replied the Black and White Space Marine.
"Not *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike?"
"Yes, *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike.
"OK, if you complete three tasks, you may take my daughter's hand in marriage" The commander told the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike. "Your third and final task is to swim across the acid lake outside the palace".
On his way out the guard once again asked "Who goes there"?", to which he replied "I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike and I want to marry the commander's daughter".
"Not *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike?"
"Yes, *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike."
"OK, pass."
Once again the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike easily completed his task and returned to the palace for the final time. On his way into the palace the guard enquired "who goes there?", to which he replied "I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike and I want to marry the commander's daughter".
"Not *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike?"
"Yes, *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike."
"OK, pass." So the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike proceeded up to the commander's chamber.
"Who goes there?" Asked the commander.
"I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike and I want to marry your daughter" Replied the Black and White Space Marine.
"Not *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike?"
"Yes, *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike, can I marry your daughter now?"
"... Yes."
This message was edited 1 time. Last update was at 2010/08/21 14:42:20
2010/08/21 15:01:46
Subject: Re:Tell the funniest joke you ever heard.
And yeah, sooner or later someone will post a joke so abominable that the thread gets locked. I'll get that ball rolling...
There once was a Black and White Space Marine on a Black and White bike, and being the hero type person he was, wanted to marry the Chapter Master's daughter.
So he went up to the palace and the guard naturally enquired "Who goes there?", to which he replied "I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike and I want to marry the commander's daughter".
"Not *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike?" asked the guard, with a not unconsiderable amount of awe in his voice.
"Yes, I'm *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike."
"OK, pass."
So the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike proceeded up to the commander's chamber.
"Who goes there?" Asked the commander.
"I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike and I want to marry your daughter," replied the Black and White Space Marine.
"Not *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike?"
"Yes, *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike."
"OK, if you complete three tasks, you may take my daughter's hand in marriage."
The commander told the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike. "Your first task is to slay the dragon on Xylon III."
On his way out the guard once again asked "Who goes there?", to which he replied
"I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike and I want to marry the commander's daughter."
"Not *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike?"
"Yes, *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike."
"OK, pass."
The Black and White Space Marine then proceeded with ease to kill the dragon and six months later returned with the head of the foul beast.
On his way into the palace the guard enquired "who goes there?", to which he replied
"I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike and I want to marry the commander's daughter".
"Not *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike?"
"Yes, *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike."
"OK, pass"
So the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike proceeded up to the commander's chamber.
"Who goes there?" Asked the commander.
"I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike and I want to marry your daughter" Replied the Black and White Space Marine.
"Not *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike?"
"Yes,*the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike."
"OK, if you complete three tasks, you may take my daughter's hand in marriage" The commander told the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike. "Your second task is to climb the highest peak on Desgrus Beta".
On his way out the guard once again asked "Who goes there"?", to which he replied
"I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike and I want to marry the commander's daughter".
"Not *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike?"
"Yes, *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike."
"OK, pass."
The Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike easily climbed the mountain and returned 4 years later.
On his way into the palace the guard enquired "who goes there?", to which he replied
"I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike and I want to marry the commander's daughter".
"Not *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike?"
"Yes, *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike."
"OK, pass."
So the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike proceeded up to the commander's chamber.
"Who goes there?" Asked the commander.
"I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike and I want to marry your daughter" Replied the Black and White Space Marine.
"Not *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike?"
"Yes, *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike.
"OK, if you complete three tasks, you may take my daughter's hand in marriage" The commander told the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike. "Your third and final task is to swim across the acid lake outside the palace".
On his way out the guard once again asked "Who goes there"?", to which he replied
"I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike and I want to marry the commander's daughter".
"Not *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike?"
"Yes, *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike."
"OK, pass."
Once again the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike easily completed his task and returned to the palace for the final time.
On his way into the palace the guard enquired "who goes there?", to which he replied
"I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike and I want to marry the commander's daughter".
"Not *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike?"
"Yes, *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike."
"OK, pass."
So the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike proceeded up to the commander's chamber.
"Who goes there?" Asked the commander.
"I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike and I want to marry your daughter" Replied the Black and White Space Marine.
"Not *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike?"
"Yes, *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike, can I marry your daughter now?"
Tim the Biovore wrote:A woman walks into the Grocery store. She goes up to a worker and says,
"I'd like Lettuce, Pumpkins and Tomatoes, please"
The Man replies, "I'm sorry, we're out of tomatoes"
"Ok then, I guess I'll have Beetroot, Carrots and Tomatoes then"
The Man again says "Look, we have no Tomatoes"
"Fine, just get me some Bananas, Onions and Tomatoes"
The man gets angry and shouts, "What happens if you take the B out of Brocolli?"
"Rocolli"
"What happens if you take the C out of Cauliflower?"
"Auliflower"
"And what happens if the take the F out of Tomatoes?"
"But there is not F in Tomatoes"
"And that's what I was trying to tell you"
He said there is not F-in tomatoes...I get it
If only ZUN!bar were here...
2010/08/21 19:19:06
Subject: Re:Tell the funniest joke you ever heard.
Ktulhut wrote:And yeah, sooner or later someone will post a joke so abominable that the thread gets locked. I'll get that ball rolling...
There once was a Black and White Space Marine on a Black and White bike, and being the hero type person he was, wanted to marry the Chapter Master's daughter.
So he went up to the palace and the guard naturally enquired "Who goes there?", to which he replied "I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike and I want to marry the commander's daughter".
"Not *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike?" asked the guard, with a not unconsiderable amount of awe in his voice.
"Yes, I'm *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike."
"OK, pass."
So the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike proceeded up to the commander's chamber.
"Who goes there?" Asked the commander.
"I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike and I want to marry your daughter," replied the Black and White Space Marine.
"Not *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike?"
"Yes, *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike."
"OK, if you complete three tasks, you may take my daughter's hand in marriage."
The commander told the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike. "Your first task is to slay the dragon on Xylon III."
On his way out the guard once again asked "Who goes there?", to which he replied
"I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike and I want to marry the commander's daughter."
"Not *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike?"
"Yes, *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike."
"OK, pass."
The Black and White Space Marine then proceeded with ease to kill the dragon and six months later returned with the head of the foul beast.
On his way into the palace the guard enquired "who goes there?", to which he replied
"I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike and I want to marry the commander's daughter".
"Not *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike?"
"Yes, *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike."
"OK, pass"
So the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike proceeded up to the commander's chamber.
"Who goes there?" Asked the commander.
"I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike and I want to marry your daughter" Replied the Black and White Space Marine.
"Not *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike?"
"Yes,*the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike."
"OK, if you complete three tasks, you may take my daughter's hand in marriage" The commander told the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike. "Your second task is to climb the highest peak on Desgrus Beta".
On his way out the guard once again asked "Who goes there"?", to which he replied
"I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike and I want to marry the commander's daughter".
"Not *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike?"
"Yes, *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike."
"OK, pass."
The Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike easily climbed the mountain and returned 4 years later.
On his way into the palace the guard enquired "who goes there?", to which he replied
"I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike and I want to marry the commander's daughter".
"Not *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike?"
"Yes, *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike."
"OK, pass."
So the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike proceeded up to the commander's chamber.
"Who goes there?" Asked the commander.
"I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike and I want to marry your daughter" Replied the Black and White Space Marine.
"Not *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike?"
"Yes, *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike.
"OK, if you complete three tasks, you may take my daughter's hand in marriage" The commander told the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike. "Your third and final task is to swim across the acid lake outside the palace".
On his way out the guard once again asked "Who goes there"?", to which he replied
"I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike and I want to marry the commander's daughter".
"Not *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike?"
"Yes, *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike."
"OK, pass."
Once again the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike easily completed his task and returned to the palace for the final time.
On his way into the palace the guard enquired "who goes there?", to which he replied
"I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike and I want to marry the commander's daughter".
"Not *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike?"
"Yes, *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike."
"OK, pass."
So the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike proceeded up to the commander's chamber.
"Who goes there?" Asked the commander.
"I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike and I want to marry your daughter" Replied the Black and White Space Marine.
"Not *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike?"
"Yes, *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike, can I marry your daughter now?"
VikingScott wrote:The joke is that you wasted 4 minites of your life reading it.
It's all funny to the poster.
....Oh, well. I just skipped over the parts where he asks "if he's *the* black and white space marine on a black and white bike", which saved me a couple minutes :3
If you want jokes you should check out Litko. I heard they sell industrial sytems and space corridors for playing Space Giant with bloody knights and chromostealers.
This message was edited 1 time. Last update was at 2010/08/21 19:47:23
Ok.. here is one slightly modified from Monty Python.... You can find the original version on the DVD Monty Python Live at the Hollywood Bowl.
During the 'Australian Philosophy Song' bit, Eric Idol begins throwing Fosters beer in cans to the audience. When asked why he responds...
"Because American beer is like making love in a canoe."
"Making love in a canoe?"
"Fething close to water."
Automatically Appended Next Post:
mrwhoop wrote:The Killing Joke
by the Joker
"See, there were these two guys in a lunatic asylum... and one night, one night they decide they don't like living in an asylum any more. They decide they're going to escape! So, like, they get up onto the roof, and there, just across this narrow gap, they see the rooftops of the town, stretching away in the moon light... stretching away to freedom. Now, the first guy, he jumps right across with no problem. But his friend, his friend didn't dare make the leap. Y'see... Y'see, he's afraid of falling. So then, the first guy has an idea... He says "Hey! I have my flashlight with me! I'll shine it across the gap between the buildings. You can walk along the beam and join me!" B-but the second guy just shakes his head. He suh-says... He says "Wh-what do you think I am? Crazy? You'd turn it off when I was half way across!"
Still gets me to laugh
One of my Faves.... they should have made a Batman film of this book.
This message was edited 1 time. Last update was at 2010/08/21 20:13:01
Of all the races of the universe the Squats have the longest memories and the shortest tempers. They are uncouth, unpredictably violent, and frequently drunk. Overall, I'm glad they're on our side!
Office of Naval Intelligence Research discovers 3 out of 4 sailors make up 75% of U.S. Navy.
"Madness is like gravity... All you need is a little push."
VikingScott wrote:The joke is that you wasted 4 minites of your life reading it. It's all funny to the poster.
....Oh, well. I just skipped over the parts where he asks "if he's *the* black and white space marine on a black and white bike", which saved me a couple minutes :3
If you want jokes you should check out Litko. I heard they sell industrial sytems and space corridors for playing Space Giant with bloody knights and chromostealers.
Where'd that poem go....
AHA! That took a lot of searching but I found it!
Like I don't understand If this thread is here for anyone To just post what ever Kind of jokes they have. Or is this thread
Actually here for Exciting things that Really make you kind Of laugh until you look Silly because now Your laughing at Stupid jokes That only an Elephant would be able to Make funny with his Solid amount of weight!
Space is a wide area with no Corridors and in the Industrial workforce people want Towers to be built to go there!
This message was edited 1 time. Last update was at 2010/08/21 20:56:09
2010/08/21 20:48:03
Subject: Re:Tell the funniest joke you ever heard.
Shortly after the death of the Hunchback of Notre Dame, the new Cardinal found himself in need of a new bell ringer and so he hired several cryers to stand in the various open squares of Paris, calling out for applicants. The next morning he awoke and found a long line of prospective bell-ringers outside the doors of the cathedral.
One by one he admitted them into the cathedral, and one by one he walked them up the long flights of stairs to the bell tower. As they walked he spoke with each of them, learning each man's history, learning of his faith, and judging his character. Each in turn would ring the great bell, never knowing that the Cardinal was silently judging them on their character more than their ability to ring the bell. While many of the men who applied were quite able to produce a loud and clear ring from the bell, none measured up to the Cardinal's estimation of a true and proper Christian. After interviewing a score of prospects, the Cardinal began to despair that he would never find a decent man of honest Christian faith worthy of ringing the great bell at this great cathedral.
He returned to the doors and called forth the next of the applicants. A young man stepped forward and the Cardinal realized with a shock that the man had no arms.
"Young man, you have no arms," the Cardinal objected. "How can you hope to ring a bell?"
"I have faith in God that I shall find a way," he replied earnestly.
The Cardinal was intrigued by this answer, and invited the young man to follow him up the stairs. As they walked they discussed matters of faith and theology, and the Cardinal found himself quite impressed with the young man. He had been born without arms, and yet never in his life had he hardened his heart against Christ, and instead found his affliction to be a gift from God. He had learned through his own adversity to appreciate the struggles of others, and while he knew some had turned him away, he carried with him only the memories of all those good Christian souls who had seen his burden and offered their friendship, charity and kindness.
By the time the pair reached the bell, the Cardinal was certain that he had found a man possessing all of the character and good faith he could desire in a bell-ringer. But he was unsure that this noble young man would be able to actually ring the bell.
"Here it is then," he said as he gestured to the bell. "But I don't know how you'll ring it."
"Worry not, Father," said the young man. "I will use my face."
"Your face?"
Without an answer, the young man backed up to the very wall of the small room, then ran forward and launched himself at the bell, slamming his face into it with all of his might. The bell rang dully and the young man staggered back, his nose a broken and bloody ruin.
"My god!" shouted the Cardinal. "That was horrific! I'm sorry, my son, but no. I can't allow this. I'm afraid I can't hire you."
"Please Cardinal," begged the man. "All of my life I have wanted nothing more than to ring the great bell at Notre Dame. The pain does not bother me at all, for my faith in God protects me from all suffering. I desperately want this position, will you not reconsider?"
"I'm sure your faith is strong, but I simply can't allow it," the Cardinal protested, but the look in the man's eyes said his protest were to no avail, and so the Cardinal sought another tack. "Besides, that ring wasn't nearly loud enough. No, no, I'm sorry."
"Wait Cardinal, give me one more try."
The Cardinal held up a hand to protest further, but the young man was already backing up and preparing for another charge. This timee however he did check to see what was behind him, and so he backed directly towards a window. The protesting Cardinal tried to shout a warning, but the young man was ignoring his protests entirely, and so he tripped and stumbled, falling backwards through the window.
The Cardinal rushed to the widow ledge but it was too late. Far, far below him lay the young man, his body broken and twisted by his impact on the square below. The Cardinal dashed out of the room, leaping down the stairs three at a time, until he was at the doors of the cathedral. He pushed his way through the throng of applicants that had gathered around the poor young man's body. As he stood over him he quietly offered him the final benedicition.
As the Cardinal finished hiss prayer, the dozen or so applicants watched him. Finally one of them spoke up.
"Say Cardinal, who was he?"
"I don't know," the Cardinal answered. "But his face rings a bell."
Okay, I've unleashed this one in at least two Dakka joke threads before, and I was trying to hold back but now I'm unable to keep it in any longer. I heard this joke from my high school biology teacher, a prim, petite, irritatingly perky woman two years out of college herself, in 1984.
A man starts having a sharp pain in his arm, and so he goes to the doctor to find out what is wrong. The doctor tells him that he has just taken delivery of the latest in medical diagnostic machinery. All the man would have to do is pee in a cup and submit the sample to the machine for analysis and the cause of the problem would be revealed. The man is skeptical, but he pees in the cup anyway and brings it to the doctor. The doctor puts the sample in a slot in the front of the machine and presses the big red button. The machine clanks, hisses, whirrs and smokes for several minutes, then a slip of paper issues forth from another slot in its front. The doctor says to the man that he has tennis elbow, and that he should put a hot towel on it for a couple of hours, then he's be fine.
The man angrily replies that not only is there no possible way that a machine could figure that out from a urine sample, but the doctor could have figured it out from a five minute examination. The doctor says that he should perhaps try again tomorrow. The man agrees, and stomps out of the doctor's office, palming a urine sample container on his way out.
The man then heads home, telling his family what happened and how he is going to get the doctor back. He then has his wife, his son, his daughter and his dog pee in the cup, and then he pleasures himself, contributing that issue to the cup as well. He returns to the doctor's office the next day and gives the doctor the sample he collected the night before.
The machine does its thing, taking much longer than before, nearly shaking itself to pieces and belching forth black smoke before spooling out a great long slip of paper. The doctor looks at the paper, looks at the man, looks at the paper and then says to the man "Your wife has herpes, your son is gay, your daughter is pregnant, your dog genuinely does become sexually aroused at the sight of your cowboy boots and if you don't stop pleasuring yourself, your tennis elbow will only get worse.
-to many points to bother to count.
<-- Finally, level 666! 
-- $k 
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-- 
Rokkit Robbaz (Deathskull)