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I've heard better versions of that, but it still cracks me up.

How did Kurt Cobain really die?




He missed..... Courtney.

helgrenze wrote:How did Kurt Cobain really die?




He missed..... Courtney.

This makes up for the mean Kurt joke earlier

Good one. He would have saved us a lot of trouble. gawd..

helgrenze wrote:How did Kurt Cobain really die?




He missed..... Courtney.

Both Cobain jokes are hilarious

Definietly tellin them to my friends.

what goes "beep, beep, beep, beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee"?

Kurt Cobain, unplugged.

Don't find that one funny?
Ohwellhowsad. Nevermind.

Here come the stupid, nonsensical jokes

What is green and will hurt you if it falls out of a tree ontop of you?
...
...
...
A Pooltable!

What's yellow and can't swim?
...
...
...
A bulldozer!

How do you fit an elephant into the fridge?

--Open the door and place him inside!

How do you fit a giraffe into the fridge?

-- Take out the elephant, then put the giraffe in.

The king of the jungle, the lion, invited all the animals to his home for a meeting. No animal would dare refuse an invitation from the king of the jungle, for he would eat whoever refused. Who didn't come to the Lion's meeting?

-- The giraffe, because he's in your fridge.

You are on a great quest to find a lost city of gold. Your quest has gotten you chased by angry natives, who are on your tail. You have to cross a lake that is home to man eating alligators, and you don't have enough time to make a raft or to go around the lake. What do you do?


-- Swim right across. All the alligators are at the big meeting.

Q. You are stuck in a sealed room that is rapidly running out of air, the only item in the room is a table, how do you get out?

A. Rub your hands together until they are saw (sore), use the saw to cut the table in half, put the 2 halves together, 2 halves make a whole, jump through the hole.

Q. after jumping through the hole, you find yourself in the desert, miles from any food or water, how do you get to a town befcore you die?

A. shout until your voice is hoarse, jump on the horse and ride to the town.

An elderly couple go to the hospital as the wife has become terminally ill. In the hospital room, the wife asks her husband to retrieve a small box from the attic. Upon returning home the man finds the box and inside are two small hand-knit dolls and nearly $1200 in cash. Puzzled, he brings the box and its contents back to his wife.

"Where did these two dolls come from?" he asked.

"When I was little" , she replied, "my mother taught me a secret to keep a good marriage. I made the dolls when I was angry so I wouldn't stay mad at you." The husband swelled with pride knowing that in all their years of marriage he had only made his wife angry twice.

Then he remembered the money. "Where did the $1200 come from?"

"Oh, that was from selling all the other dolls."

A blonde and a brunetta re in a bar when a guy with bad danruff walks by. The brunette asyas to the blonde "Somebody should give that guy some head and shoulders."

The blonde asks 'How do you give a guy shoulders?"

What Big and grey and stands in the middle of a paddock?

A filing Cabinet.


A man walks into a dentists office and says, "I think I'm a moth"
The dentist replies, "Well if you think you're a moth, why did you come to the dentist?"
The man shrugs and says, "The light was on..."

+1 internet cookies to the person who says where that joke is from, +2 if you post the video

Gwar! wrote:

*thump*

PG-13 . . . ish . . .

Manchu wrote:PG-13 . . . ish . . .

Spoiler:

An arrogant Imperial Guard Officer stationed on a Shrine World sees this beautiful Sister of Battle every day on his way to and from the barracks. He tries talking to her once but she just brushes him off, all high and mighty. He often fantasizes about making love to her and showing her that she's no more holy than anyone else.

Then one day, he's stopped by a stranger.

"I can help you bed that Sororita," the man says.

"I don't know what you mean," the Guard Officer replies nervously.

"Hey, I won't report your sin as long as you don't report mine," the man whispers as he leans in. "You see, I'm a Slaaneshi Cultist."

Figuring that he's already in it pretty deep, the Guard Officer agrees.

"She prays every night at the shrine next to the barracks," the Slaaneshi Cultist tells him. "All you have to do is dress up as the Emperor and she'll think it's a vision. She'll do whatever her Emperor tells her, after all."

The Guard Officer agrees to try the Slaaneshi Cultist's plan that evening. He spray paints his flak armor and helmet gold and uses his kit blanket for a robe. Satisfied that the naive Sororita will be fooled, he goes and hides in the Shrine.

When the Sister gets there, she kneels before the Shrine and begins to pray. Suddenly, the disguised Guard Officer jumps out.

"Be not afraid, faithful Bride of the Emperor! I am here to answer thine prayers!" he declares in a booming voice.

"Oh mighty God-Emperor," the Sister says through her helmet vox, "how may I serve you?"

"I have come to give thee a blessing in your body, faithful Bride. Take off thy armor!" To the Guard Officer's immense satisfaction, the Sister obeys without hesitation except that she stops before taking off her helmet.

"Emperor, forgive your servant," she pleas, "but I wish to remain a virgin. Would simply bumming me be sufficient?"

The Guard Officer cannot believe his luck. Just as depraved as the rest of us, he thinks smugly.

"That will be fine, humble one," he says and then gets to it.

After finishing up, he rolls her over and starts to laugh loudly.

"You snobby nun," he cackles while taking off his helmet. "Let it be a lesson to you. I'm just the Guard Officer!"

"Oh my," she exclaims while taking off her helmet. "Don't worry. I'm just the Slaaneshi Cultist!"

"And let that be a lesson to YOU!"

The version I first read had a Noise Marine and a... Chaos Sorcerer? Ah, I forget. Might be out there somewhere.

Yeah, I think I said Noise Marine when I posted a more graphic version on /tg/. The Chaos Sorcerer one was another I posted that same time. Both are just "40k conversions" you might say.

Whats red and smells like blue paint?
-Red paint
What happens when you put a green brick in a yellow sea?
-You get a wet brick

I hope no-one's heard a variation of this before, it's my very own joke - I made it up at work so naturally it would be the 'funniest' joke I've ever heard and hopefully original as well


There's a farmer two ewes and a ram walking through town, the farmers was wondering what they were going to do. Going to the pub seemed like a good idea, but he was a bit sheepish. He was afraid and didn't them to be Baaahed.



I still hate myself for making it up

A teacher has just settled her class of 6 year olds down after the lunch break. She decides to play a little spelling game with them.

She asks one of the little girls "Miranda, what did you do during the lunch break?"

Miranda replies "I played in the sand pit"

"Ok, if you can spell 'sand' then I'll give you a sweetie"

Miranda does and she gets a sweet.

"Right then who's next, Billy, what did you do at lunch time?"

Billy says "well Miss I also played in the sand pit with Miranda"

" ok if you can spell 'play' I will give you a sweetie"

Billy does and he also gets a sweet

"Achmed, its your turn now, what did you do at lunch time?"

"I wanted to play in the sand pit, but Miranda and Billy wouldn't let me"

"oh dear" says the teacher "that sounds like blatant racial discrimination to me"

Achmed nods his head sadly

"well not to worry, if you can spell 'blatant racial discrimination' you can have a sweet"

squilverine wrote:A teacher has just settled her class of 6 year olds down after the lunch break. She decides to play a little spelling game with them.

She asks one of the little girls "Miranda, what did you do during the lunch break?"

Miranda replies "I played in the sand pit"

"Ok, if you can spell 'sand' then I'll give you a sweetie"

Miranda does and she gets a sweet.

"Right then who's next, Billy, what did you do at lunch time?"

Billy says "well Miss I also played in the sand pit with Miranda"

" ok if you can spell 'play' I will give you a sweetie"

Billy does and he also gets a sweet

"Achmed, its your turn now, what did you do at lunch time?"

"I wanted to play in the sand pit, but Miranda and Billy wouldn't let me"

"oh dear" says the teacher "that sounds like blatant racial discrimination to me"

Achmed nods his head sadly

"well not to worry, if you can spell 'blatant racial discrimination' you can have a sweet"

That is awesome!

I don't know why, but one of my all-time favourites is from Harry Hill, at least I think it's his:

'I decided to do some DIY at the weekend, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get on with my real ladder.'

I recall something from the news a few years ago... Back when George Bush (Sr) was running for re-election. GB's running mate and VP Dan Quayle had been Senator from Indiana, that being his home State and all... before becoming VP.

A story ran during the election that year ran that George Bush was heading to Indiana... to go Quail hunting.

Being as I heard this on a tv news report.. I could not stop laughing about it.

Since my dear old mother in law went senile all she does all day is stare through the window.

Maybe one day if its really frecking cold I'll let her in

warpcrafter wrote:Okay, I've unleashed this one in at least two Dakka joke threads before, and I was trying to hold back but now I'm unable to keep it in any longer. I heard this joke from my high school biology teacher, a prim, petite, irritatingly perky woman two years out of college herself, in 1984.

A man starts having a sharp pain in his arm, and so he goes to the doctor to find out what is wrong. The doctor tells him that he has just taken delivery of the latest in medical diagnostic machinery. All the man would have to do is pee in a cup and submit the sample to the machine for analysis and the cause of the problem would be revealed. The man is skeptical, but he pees in the cup anyway and brings it to the doctor. The doctor puts the sample in a slot in the front of the machine and presses the big red button. The machine clanks, hisses, whirrs and smokes for several minutes, then a slip of paper issues forth from another slot in its front. The doctor says to the man that he has tennis elbow, and that he should put a hot towel on it for a couple of hours, then he's be fine.
The man angrily replies that not only is there no possible way that a machine could figure that out from a urine sample, but the doctor could have figured it out from a five minute examination. The doctor says that he should perhaps try again tomorrow. The man agrees, and stomps out of the doctor's office, palming a urine sample container on his way out.
The man then heads home, telling his family what happened and how he is going to get the doctor back. He then has his wife, his son, his daughter and his dog pee in the cup, and then he pleasures himself, contributing that issue to the cup as well. He returns to the doctor's office the next day and gives the doctor the sample he collected the night before.
The machine does its thing, taking much longer than before, nearly shaking itself to pieces and belching forth black smoke before spooling out a great long slip of paper. The doctor looks at the paper, looks at the man, looks at the paper and then says to the man "Your wife has herpes, your son is gay, your daughter is pregnant, your dog genuinely does become sexually aroused at the sight of your cowboy boots and if you don't stop pleasuring yourself, your tennis elbow will only get worse.

This is why I love Dakka.

Two blondes walk into a bar.
You'd think one of them ought to have seen it.

David Hasselhoff walks out of a bar.......

an ant a cow and an arse hole are having an agument about who is the greatist.

the cow says "i give 3 pints of milk every day and thats why I an the greatist".

the ant says "i am the greatist because i can lift ten times my own weight"






why are you still reading it's your turn!!!!

Three peices of string walk into a bar.

The first string says, "dudes, we're not going to get served here...they dont like pieces of string."
"Don't worry about it!" the second says, "We'll get served, go on up and get us some beers!"
"Ok, I'll try. Wish me luck!" and the first string goes up to the bartender.
"I'd like three beers please!"
The bartender says, "You're a string right? Sorry, we dont serve your kind here."
"Darnit", the first string goes back to the table and tells his friends, "like I said guys, we'll have to go somewhere else."
"Oh thats BS," the second string says, "I'll be right back, I'll handle this!"
The second string struts up to the bartender and slaps a 20 on the bartop. "I need 3 Pint's my friend....keep the change!"
Bartender looks closely at the string, "arent you a striing? I told your friend, we dont serve your kind here...BEAT IT!"
The second string picks his money back up and sulks back to the table. "Guess you were right...we'll have to go somewhere else."
"No we dont." The third string finally breaks his silence. "I got this."
He gets up from the table walks halfway to the bartop before he ducks into a booth. He unfurles the fibres at the top of his "head" giving him a very "moplike" and messy look, he steps back out of the booth and continues back up to the bartop.
The bartender looks him over as he approaches, squinting his eyes at him. "Look, I already told you guys, we dont serve your kiind here! You ARE a string arent you?!"
The third string replies, "Nope....I'm afraid not." (Frayed knot)



THE STORY OF BREWSTER THE ROOSTER

A farmer lost his rooster. Obviously, none of his hens would lay any eggs now. He needed a new rooster.
He goes to the rooster store, or pet shop, or wherethehellever people go to get a rooster.
"I got the best rooster ever right over here." the salesguy says. "His name is Brewster."
...a large healthy and young looking rooster was standing proudly on some boxes or whatever.
"Thanx! He looks great....I'll take him!" And the farmer took Brewster home and set him up on the fencepost. He ate dinner, had a leisurely night, and went to bed.
The next morning he awoke to Brewster's loud and strong crowing.
On his way out to begin his chores he saw brewster standing proudly on the fencepost, with what looked like a huge smile on his face.
The farmer made his way out to the henhouse to check on the hens, he was amazed at what he saw. The henhouse was OVERFILLING with eggs!! All the hens were "laid" out all over the place...exhausted by Brewsters stamina!
The farmer went back to Brewster, happy with what seemed to be a "jackpot" of a rooster. Jokingly he said to Brewster, "Brewster, you're going to screw yourself to DEATH!"
The next morning, the farmer woke to the same proud crowing. Brewster, with a big smile on his face, standing proudly on the fencepost, henhouse overfilling with eggs and hens "laid" out all over the place. When the farmer stopped by the pigpen, he notice all the PIGS were "laid" out in the same manner as the hens, exhausted and still sleeping, not even interested in the slop. On the way back to the fencepost to see Brewster...he also noticed that the farm's two DOGS were all "laid" out as well. Brewster had been VERY busy last night. Regardless, there was Brewster, standing proudly on his fencepost, proud of himself. "Brewster, you are going to screw yourself TO DEATH!"
The next morning, a rooster crows, tons MORE eggs, hens, dogs, cats, and pigs all laid out, exhausted. The farmer went to check on the cows. "No WAY!" he exclaimed. His entire herd of cattle were "laid" out from Brewsters nighttime activities. That rooster was having some fun at night, thats for sure. Still, there he was, perched on his fencepost, proud and strong, with that smile across his beak. "Brewster.....wow....just...BREWSTER, YOU ARE GOING TO SCREW YOURSELF TO DEATH!!"

The next morning, the farmer woke up late...he realised that there was no Brewster crowing that morning to wake him up. Worried, he threw on his robe and headed out to see what was wrong. Brewster wasnt on his fencepost...where could he be? He checked the henhouse, again, tons of eggs and all the hens laid out. He checked the pigpen...pigs laid out. The dogs and cats...same. He checked the cows....ALL laid out, but he didnt see brewster anywhere. Where could he be?

The sun began to rise over a hill in the grazing pasture (where some of the cows were exhausted and laid out of course) as he raised his hand to reduce the shine of the sun....he saw him...up on the hill...the silouette of Brewster laying at the top of the hill...feet sticking straight up in the air. "Oh NO!" the farmer yelled. "BREWSTER!!" The farmer ran up the hill to his prize rooster. "Brewster! I told you, I told you boy...you were going to screw yourself to DEATH!"

Brewster opened one eye and lifted a wing to his beak to silence the farmer, "Shhhhh", Brewster said and pointed to the sky.

There were vultures circling above.


Automatically Appended Next Post:

Borkin wrote:Bartender: "How do you take your whisky?"

Patron: "I like my whisky like I like my girls, 16 years old and mixed up with coke."

Starbucks employee to patron buying a pound of Coffee: "How do you like your coffee?"

Patron: "I like my coffee like I like my women, ground up and in the freezer."


Automatically Appended Next Post:

chromedog wrote:what goes "beep, beep, beep, beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee"?

Kurt Cobain, unplugged.

Don't find that one funny?
Ohwellhowsad. Nevermind.

That's an old one. How 'bout another?

Whats the opposite of Christopher Reeve?

Christopher Walken