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I hope you all have an Ice Angellie holiday!

And as TIM the squat says. "Emperor bless us, everyone."

Merry Christmas Ice.

Do you actually have a 'Tim the squat' ?

Happy Holidays Ice! What exactly is an Ice Angel holiday? No Christianity in 40k of course... but would they celebrate the birthday of The Emperor in some way?

Ice Angels would celebrate the birth of their chapter and veterans day. The Emperors birth day has been lost even though millions celebrate it on different days.

Other then that Ice Angels don't have many holidays.

I like the idea, but you do need to work on some things, such as flow and ease of reading. Basically, try to use fewer periods, since that makes it rather hard to understand what is going on, and makes the story you are trying to tell feel choppy and rough, instead of smooth and flowing.

Still, I like what you are doing!

_Tim?

Some_Call_Me_Tim? wrote:I like the idea, but you do need to work on some things, such as flow and ease of reading. Basically, try to use fewer periods, since that makes it rather hard to understand what is going on, and makes the story you are trying to tell feel choppy and rough, instead of smooth and flowing.

Still, I like what you are doing!

_Tim?

Thanks for the feedback Tim. Can you do me a favor and copy an example. I learn quicker that way. Thanks again.

“Pyrox, Reven, and Evrard, go with Sergeant Suqqa and Squad Kujara, now!” Razzik shouted as rounds ricocheted off his armor and shield. The orks were pouring down a wide ramshackle staircase that was quickly becoming slick with ork blood. At the base of the stairs Captain Razzik stood stoically issuing commands as the marines slowly pushed against the waves of orks. Protecting him was squad Ashurbani and several of the guest marines, including Commander Vetov of the Emperor’s Tears who defended his flank like a second shield.

As several affirmative blips crossed Razzik’s HUD, Squad Kujara broke from their cover, ran up some of the stairs, and then through a side door. The gray fire angel, green dark angel, and red blood angel followed right behind the eight man black tactical squad under the hail of oncoming ork fire. The eleven marines came to the first intersection and took a brief pause as the point marine Balathu, peaked around the corner before issuing a hand signal. The unit continued on with the three guest marines bringing up the rear.

Running from corner to corner the unit moved, after checking several empty rooms and dispatching some wandering orks they came to a wide hall with two sets of black doors. Seconds before they reached the doors, the left one flew open and a handful of dark green orks exited into their hallway. The quicker Ice Angels blasted at the orks as they came out. The first few orks absorbed many bolter rounds before falling like discarded garbage only feet from the front Ice Angels. As the last ork stopped twitching, the marines waited either for a command or another target.

For a moment that seemed to stretch for an hour the marines stood aiming at the open door, waiting. Sergeant Suqqa’s sixth sense was tingling so he waited, not issuing a single command until the other black door flew open. With practiced ease the marines addressed and fired at the incoming orks. As they did, orks began to once again pour out of the first door.

An intense few moments of fire led to the death of many orks, but when larger and well armed orks began to move through, the tide quickly changed. Their tough hide and sheer bulk gave them the extra distance they needed to reach the first kneeling Ice Angels and as they did, Brother Pwanzu and Brother Bleeki where chopped down from axe wounds. Suddenly a flash of light cut through the hall way, Brother Thukoo’s lascannon beam passed through a half dozen orks momentarily halting the assault. Only one ork screamed in pain as they all fell to the floor, but the remaining standing orks merely gritted their teeth and charged again. In these brief seconds Evrard powered up his power mace and moved to engage with Brother Reven at his side. The remaining Ice Angels covered the pair as Pyrox began to adjust the settings on his gray plasmagun.

Evrard met the first ork with a downward swing that pulverized the orks skull. As the ork fell, Evrard spun to his left and when the mace came back around it met the side of another ork who was midswing. The ork continued its swing but only managed a glancing blow before succumbing to the wound from the glowing mace. Evrard shrugged off the hit to his massive shoulder pad before raising his bolt pistol at the next pair of orks, firing off a few quick shots. To his right, Brother Reven danced with a one eyed brutish ork that wielded a crude halberd made from bones. When the ork miss stepped Brother Reven jabbed with his chainsword that went through the orks throat, the blade growled and sputtered for a moment before removing the orks head from its spine. Brother Reven removed the blade and flung some of the gore off of it before bringing up his plasma pistol.

“Center” a grumble of a voice could be heard in the vox. Evrard stepped to his left and Reven tumbled right just milliseconds before an oversized ball of plasma from Pyrox’s weapon flew down the hall obliterating all in its path. As the orb of destruction took its toll on the orks Pyrox placed his smoking plasmagun on his back and charged at the remaining greenskins.

As Pyrox grappled, Evrard crushed, and Reven sliced, the unit of marines made the final push towards the pair of doors. Reven was first to reach the left door frame and peak through. After the quick look he spun around the corner to engage another incoming ork. The surprised greenskin was dispatched by a plasma ball to the chest. Before the ork had even hit the floor Pyrox was running past. With a powerful leap he flipped towards the last ork in the room. The ork fired several loud rounds before Pyrox’s feet connected with the top of the orks skull. With a sickening crunch the force pushed the orks head down between its shoulder blades killing it instantly, as the ork spasmed and fell Pyrox tumbled away into a crouched position.

Slowly Pyrox stood up over his latest victim and inspected the room they were in. It was a small chamber with an open back door and a spiral staircase leading up. Orks could be heard above them. Reven began to point towards the stairs with his plasma pistol when a static pulse came over the vox. The staccato of bolter rounds and the sizzle of the lascannon were heard before Evrard chimed in.

“Sergeant Suqqa has been incapacitated.”

Pyrox and Reven looked at each other before moving back through the black door. By the other black door an Ice Angel, Balathu, knelt over the limp form of Sergeant Suqqa. The motionless marine had substantial battle damage to his armor and helm but only a handful of wounds, one of which was a spear through one of his hearts. His other heart would keep him alive but he had already gone unconscious in order to sustain himself. The kneeling marine looked over his shoulder at the waiting marines. “We need to get him to Attikusu.” Balathu stated.

As blood dripped off Reven’s chainsword Pyrox stepped forward. “Take him and your lost brethren back to the main force, we will forge ahead and report back.”

Balathu glanced at the squad that he was now leading. When his look got to Thukoo he stopped, “Thukoo and Kuri, go with them.” Balathu picked up the body of his Sergeant and looked back to Pyrox, he waited a moment as if to say something before turning to walk away. The other two remaining tactical marines from Squad Kujara grabbed the other down marines and began to head out. Without looking back Balathu said, “The ice falls.”

Thukoo and Kuri responded in unison, “Our foes will shatter.”

Reven looked to Pyrox just as Evrard turned his green helmet his way. Pyrox realized they were waiting for him to lead. With the weight of command back on his shoulders he turned to the room with the stairs, “Evrard point, Kuri rear.” Pyrox thought to himself how odd it was to be in command of a unit such as this.

“move” he quietly added.

The instant the syllables left his lips Evrard was running towards the stairs with Reven on his heels. The five man unit was quickly moving up the spiral stairs and as they moved Pyrox thought back to his chapter that he hadn’t seen in decades. The Ice Angels had attempted to send a message after his rescue but the Fire Angels were a zealous crusading chapter on an unknown mission in an unknown system. It may be another several decades before he would ever catch up to them.

When Pyrox breached the top of the stairs behind Reven, he thought back to some of the battles he had led his old unit into. As Evrard created a bloody path through the waiting orks Pyrox fired his bolt pistol and engaged an ork attempting to flank Reven, but the engagement seemed subdued as Pyrox’s mind continued to relive some of his own past. The memory of his old unit brought Pyrox back to his time with the Dark Eldar, watching his men being sacrificed one at a time brought him to a new level of combat awareness. As Pyrox had done many times before, he filtered out his anger and hatred to gain a level of tranquility. After each kill he recited a prayer to the Emperor, and even though it was seconds before each kill he always finished his prayer before the next ork died. For a few moments Pyrox felt as if he was once again with his old chapter, the precision of the Ice Angels and relentless power of the two other angels reminding him of how true Astartes should fight. In this heightened awareness he turned in time to witness Evrard duel with three orks wielding massive two handed chain blades. Pyrox aimed to fire his last round, as he did so one of the orks managed to land a blow on Evrard’s side. The sudden jolt from the orks blow nearly knocked Evrard over and the time he spent keeping himself up was all the time the other orks needed to land additional blows. Their smoking chainblades dug through his green power armor tearing into his side, shoulder, and backpack. As his body was being eviscerated Evrard continued to fight, his powermace connected with one of the orks skull before Evrard lost his arm. He punched out with his other hand putting it through an orks eye, but the ork behind him continued to push the giant buzzing blade into his back. Pyrox watched in awe as the Dark Angel primed his remaining grenades and threw them behind him. “FOR THE EMPEROR!” Evrard shouted as the explosion rocked the room and sent him flying.

Epic...

Hey again, IceAngel,

Since you asked, here is a good example of some minor things you can do to help the story flow. I used the 1st paragraph from you newest story.

“Pyrox, Reven, and Evrard, go with Sergeant Suqqa and Squad Kujara.” Razzik said as rounds bounced off his armor and shield. Amidst the wave of incoming fire Razzik stood, commanding the attention of the orks and becoming the focal point of the Ice Angel line. Protecting him was squad Ashurbani and several of the guest marines. Acting as a second shield, Commander Vetov of the Emperor’s Tears stood right next to Razzik as he issued commands."

*Cracks Knuckles* Now, here is my modified version of the above paragraph:

“Pyrox, Reven, and Evrard, go with Sergeant Suqqa and Squad Kujara, now!” Razzik bellowed, rounds of Ork bolta's bouncing off of his power armor and shield. Amidst the wave of incoming fire he stood, purpolsey making himself the attention the focal point of the Ice Angel line. Standing stoically by him were squad Ashurbani, joined by several guest marines. Among them, Commander Vetov of the Emperor’s Tears stood close to Razzik as he issued commands."

Hope this helps. I would also recommend reading some good Black Library books, and studying up on how they write the battle scenes.

_Tim?

Tim, you might re-write that so that Ice can see where you'd like to see him improve. It's always more helpful to suggest a solution than just point out a problem.

Gitsplitta wrote:Tim, you might re-write that so that Ice can see where you'd like to see him improve. It's always more helpful to suggest a solution than just point out a problem.

Fixed the post for him.

_Tim?

Got it! I'm sure that'll help. Can't speak for Ice, but I always seem to learn better if I can see an example of what I'm supposed to be shooting for.

Some_Call_Me_Tim? wrote:Hey again, IceAngel,

Since you asked, here is a good example of some minor things you can do to help the story flow. I used the 1st paragraph from you newest story.

“Pyrox, Reven, and Evrard, go with Sergeant Suqqa and Squad Kujara.” Razzik said as rounds bounced off his armor and shield. Amidst the wave of incoming fire Razzik stood, commanding the attention of the orks and becoming the focal point of the Ice Angel line. Protecting him was squad Ashurbani and several of the guest marines. Acting as a second shield, Commander Vetov of the Emperor’s Tears stood right next to Razzik as he issued commands."

*Cracks Knuckles* Now, here is my modified version of the above paragraph:

“Pyrox, Reven, and Evrard, go with Sergeant Suqqa and Squad Kujara, now!” Razzik bellowed, rounds of Ork bolta's bouncing off of his power armor and shield. Amidst the wave of incoming fire he stood, purpolsey making himself the attention the focal point of the Ice Angel line. Standing stoically by him were squad Ashurbani, joined by several guest marines. Among them, Commander Vetov of the Emperor’s Tears stood close to Razzik as he issued commands."

Hope this helps. I would also recommend reading some good Black Library books, and studying up on how they write the battle scenes.

_Tim?

Aha, I now see what you mean, even though you have just as many sentences as I did, lol. But having the before and after makes it a lot easier to understand what you are saying. I will have to go back and try to do a bit more editing.

As for Black Library books, I have read many of them but never actually studied the writing style. I easily get sucked in and become oblivious to that sort of thing, but maybe I will reread some of my favorites and try to pay more attention to that. Good suggestions!

Love the work so far!

Love it Ice.

And I recommend re-reading a Black Library book (that you still remember the story line) so you can focus on the writing style more intently.

battle Brother Lucifer wrote:Love it Ice.

And I recommend re-reading a Black Library book (that you still remember the story line) so you can focus on the writing style more intently.

Once I finish reading first heretic, my next book will be Prospero Burns. After that I may go back and reread a book or two.

i find just looking over parts of action scenes in novels you like helps too!

Woo first one to eat it! Thats kinda his thing though, so its cool.

whalemusic360 wrote:Woo first one to eat it! Thats kinda his thing though, so its cool.

Don't worry WM, Reven was already pre-modeled so his time may or may not be coming soon.

Okay, I did some editing and some reworking on the above post. Let me know if you it feels any different to you.

IceAngel wrote:“Pyrox, Reven, and Evrard, go with Sergeant Suqqa and Squad Kujara, now!” Razzik shouted as rounds ricocheted off his armor and shield. The orks were pouring down a wide ramshackle staircase that was quickly becoming slick with ork blood. At the base of the stairs Captain Razzik stood stoically issuing commands as the marines slowly pushed against the waves of orks. Protecting him was squad Ashurbani and several of the guest marines, including Commander Vetov of the Emperor’s Tears who defended his flank like a second shield.

As several affirmative blips crossed Razzik’s HUD, Squad Kujara broke from their cover, ran up some of the stairs, and then through a side door. The gray fire angel, green dark angel, and red blood angel followed right behind the eight man black tactical squad under the hail of oncoming ork fire. The eleven marines came to the first intersection and took a brief pause as the point marine Balathu, peaked around the corner before issuing a hand signal. The unit continued on with the three guest marines bringing up the rear.

Running from corner to corner the unit moved, after checking several empty rooms and dispatching some wandering orks they came to a wide hall with two sets of black doors. Seconds before they reached the doors, the left one flew open and a handful of dark green orks exited into their hallway. The quicker Ice Angels blasted at the orks as they came out. The first few orks absorbed many bolter rounds before falling like discarded garbage only feet from the front Ice Angels. As the last ork stopped twitching, the marines waited either for a command or another target.

For a moment that seemed to stretch for an hour the marines stood aiming at the open door, waiting. Sergeant Suqqa’s sixth sense was tingling so he waited, not issuing a single command until the other black door flew open. With practiced ease the marines addressed and fired at the incoming orks. As they did, orks began to once again pour out of the first door.

An intense few moments of fire led to the death of many orks, but when larger and well armed orks began to move through, the tide quickly changed. Their tough hide and sheer bulk gave them the extra distance they needed to reach the first kneeling Ice Angels and as they did, Brother Pwanzu and Brother Bleeki where chopped down from axe wounds. Suddenly a flash of light cut through the hall way, Brother Thukoo’s lascannon beam passed through a half dozen orks momentarily halting the assault. Only one ork screamed in pain as they all fell to the floor, but the remaining standing orks merely gritted their teeth and charged again. In these brief seconds Evrard powered up his power mace and moved to engage with Brother Reven at his side. The remaining Ice Angels covered the pair as Pyrox began to adjust the settings on his gray plasmagun.

Evrard met the first ork with a downward swing that pulverized the orks skull. As the ork fell, Evrard spun to his left and when the mace came back around it met the side of another ork who was midswing. The ork continued its swing but only managed a glancing blow before succumbing to the wound from the glowing mace. Evrard shrugged off the hit to his massive shoulder pad before raising his bolt pistol at the next pair of orks, firing off a few quick shots. To his right, Brother Reven danced with a one eyed brutish ork that wielded a crude halberd made from bones. When the ork miss stepped Brother Reven jabbed with his chainsword that went through the orks throat, the blade growled and sputtered for a moment before removing the orks head from its spine. Brother Reven removed the blade and flung some of the gore off of it before bringing up his plasma pistol.

“Center” a grumble of a voice could be heard in the vox. Evrard stepped to his left and Reven tumbled right just milliseconds before an oversized ball of plasma from Pyrox’s weapon flew down the hall obliterating all in its path. As the orb of destruction took its toll on the orks Pyrox placed his smoking plasmagun on his back and charged at the remaining greenskins.

As Pyrox grappled, Evrard crushed, and Reven sliced, the unit of marines made the final push towards the pair of doors. Reven was first to reach the left door frame and peak through. After the quick look he spun around the corner to engage another incoming ork. The surprised greenskin was dispatched by a plasma ball to the chest. Before the ork had even hit the floor Pyrox was running past. With a powerful leap he flipped towards the last ork in the room. The ork fired several loud rounds before Pyrox’s feet connected with the top of the orks skull. With a sickening crunch the force pushed the orks head down between its shoulder blades killing it instantly, as the ork spasmed and fell Pyrox tumbled away into a crouched position.

Slowly Pyrox stood up over his latest victim and inspected the room they were in. It was a small chamber with an open back door and a spiral staircase leading up. Orks could be heard above them. Reven began to point towards the stairs with his plasma pistol when a static pulse came over the vox. The staccato of bolter rounds and the sizzle of the lascannon were heard before Evrard chimed in.

“Sergeant Suqqa has been incapacitated.”

Pyrox and Reven looked at each other before moving back through the black door. By the other black door an Ice Angel, Balathu, knelt over the limp form of Sergeant Suqqa. The motionless marine had substantial battle damage to his armor and helm but only a handful of wounds, one of which was a spear through one of his hearts. His other heart would keep him alive but he had already gone unconscious in order to sustain himself. The kneeling marine looked over his shoulder at the waiting marines. “We need to get him to Attikusu.” Balathu stated.

As blood dripped off Reven’s chainsword Pyrox stepped forward. “Take him and your lost brethren back to the main force, we will forge ahead and report back.”

Balathu glanced at the squad that he was now leading. When his look got to Thukoo he stopped, “Thukoo and Kuri, go with them.” Balathu picked up the body of his Sergeant and looked back to Pyrox, he waited a moment as if to say something before turning to walk away. The other two remaining tactical marines from Squad Kujara grabbed the other down marines and began to head out. Without looking back Balathu said, “The ice falls.”

Thukoo and Kuri responded in unison, “Our foes will shatter.”

Reven looked to Pyrox just as Evrard turned his green helmet his way. Pyrox realized they were waiting for him to lead. With the weight of command back on his shoulders he turned to the room with the stairs, “Evrard point, Kuri rear.” Pyrox thought to himself how odd it was to be in command of a unit such as this.

“move” he quietly added.

The instant the syllables left his lips Evrard was running towards the stairs with Reven on his heels. The five man unit was quickly moving up the spiral stairs and as they moved Pyrox thought back to his chapter that he hadn’t seen in decades. The Ice Angels had attempted to send a message after his rescue but the Fire Angels were a zealous crusading chapter on an unknown mission in an unknown system. It may be another several decades before he would ever catch up to them.

When Pyrox breached the top of the stairs behind Reven, he thought back to some of the battles he had led his old unit into. As Evrard created a bloody path through the waiting orks Pyrox fired his bolt pistol and engaged an ork attempting to flank Reven, but the engagement seemed subdued as Pyrox’s mind continued to relive some of his own past. The memory of his old unit brought Pyrox back to his time with the Dark Eldar, watching his men being sacrificed one at a time brought him to a new level of combat awareness. As Pyrox had done many times before, he filtered out his anger and hatred to gain a level of tranquility. After each kill he recited a prayer to the Emperor, and even though it was seconds before each kill he always finished his prayer before the next ork died. For a few moments Pyrox felt as if he was once again with his old chapter, the precision of the Ice Angels and relentless power of the two other angels reminding him of how true Astartes should fight. In this heightened awareness he turned in time to witness Evrard duel with three orks wielding massive two handed chain blades. Pyrox aimed to fire his last round, as he did so one of the orks managed to land a blow on Evrard’s side. The sudden jolt from the orks blow nearly knocked Evrard over and the time he spent keeping himself up was all the time the other orks needed to land additional blows. Their smoking chainblades dug through his green power armor tearing into his side, shoulder, and backpack. As his body was being eviscerated Evrard continued to fight, his powermace connected with one of the orks skull before Evrard lost his arm. He punched out with his other hand putting it through an orks eye, but the ork behind him continued to push the giant buzzing blade into his back. Pyrox watched in awe as the Dark Angel primed his remaining grenades and threw them behind him. “FOR THE EMPEROR!” Evrard shouted as the explosion rocked the room and sent him flying.

Ithought I would bring it down by your post!

it is much better now! i really feel like im in the fight moreso than before. good work

The very last sentence "him" is technically referring to Evrard, not Pyrox as I suspect was the target.

whalemusic360 wrote:The very last sentence "him" is technically referring to Evrard, not Pyrox as I suspect was the target.

The "him" should refer to Evrard, not Pyrox. Evrard is throwing the grenades directly behind himself so when they detonate they would kill the ork behind him and send him across the room. So I guess I was correct but I may have to reword that to make it a bit more clear.

Indeed, I thought he was blowing up the whole squad of orks with himself.

still an awsome read well done

Just curious to know, is there a cultural influence for your chapter? For example: White Scars ~ Mongolians, Space Wolves ~ Vikings, Ultramarines ~ Roman Empire...ish

DickBandit wrote:Just curious to know, is there a cultural influence for your chapter? For example: White Scars ~ Mongolians, Space Wolves ~ Vikings, Ultramarines ~ Roman Empire...ish

Excellent Question DickBandit! The answer is kind of, but not really. The Ice Angels are a successor of the Angels Encarname which are a successor of the Blood Angels, with that in mind I wanted to have loose ties to the blood angels. Now unfortunately the blood angels don't really have a good cultural influence like so many other chapters, other then they are mildly vampiric in iconography and general look. (in my opinion) When I started to really delve into my story, which I've been making up as I go along, (not great at planning) I started with names. A dozen or so names I have had for years, Cyaxeres, Ruusa, Frank, for example were already in. The rest I went with Babylonian in nature. Many of the names that end in a vowel are Babylonian, for those who are interested. As I started to add more characters and create more fluff I began to learn more about Babylonian history and what not, however by this time my story was 100 some pages long and I wasn't about to go back and edit my posts, at least not yet. So if you read my story now, there isn't a lot of cultural influence other then the names, but when I am done with this epic rough draft and rewriting all of this, I plan to add that cultural element to the story because frankly I have been leaving that out. I am also hoping that as I continue to write, the culture will kind of create itself. So much of my story was created on the fly and off of whatever emotion I was feeling that day. The day I killed Captain Ruusa was a particularly bad day, that wasn't planned, but low and behold Captain Razzik is now one of the main characters. I don't know about you all, but I was pretty shocked when he died to tell you the truth.

Now I am definitely keeping the names, but I don't know if I'll use Babylonians as the influence, that is still to be determined. If you have any thoughts on any of this please let me know, I love suggestions.


good lord, that response was huge! did i even answer your question?

I think cultural influences always give a made up chapter, craftworld, legion, etc. a very interesting and unique feel.

For example, my chapter because of dire circumstances, had to find another planet to set up shop. They got lost in the Warp, ended up on the very outer reaches of the Imperium on a desert planet that is geographically similar to Afghanistan. The people of the planet are arabic, so many of the initiates and recruits are arabic.

DickBandit wrote:I think cultural influences always give a made up chapter, craftworld, legion, etc. a very interesting and unique feel.

I totally agree!


Okay, I'll give you a topic to discuss.

What "culture" do you think the Ice Angels should be based off of? How do you envision them acting outside of combat situations? Or what rituals do you think they should have or utilize?

Go ahead, talk amongst yourselves.

I picture them semi-albino (light hair and skin) but with blue eyes.
Possibly dark hair to mix it up, but super pale skin all around.