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Asherian Command wrote:

purplefood wrote:I agree with the various people arguing against Asherian...
If there are seven chapters created to deal with the Ghoul Stars then work within the realistic limitations of those chapters.
Having to follow the Codex rather than deviate straight away.
Counter-attacks from various races/factions.
Lack of equipment/experience.
etc

Not changing the number. Again. instead I am spreading the crusaders out. ALOT.
I am doing the Black Templar Idea of putting them out into a large area.
So for the next part I am going to focus on how far apart the chapter is.

The Black Templar idea is only gonna work for GW...
They are the epitome of zeal and faithfulness.
They are fanatical to the point of ridiculousness.
The Storm Crusaders cannot be like that, the niche is taken...

purplefood wrote:

Asherian Command wrote:

purplefood wrote:I agree with the various people arguing against Asherian...
If there are seven chapters created to deal with the Ghoul Stars then work within the realistic limitations of those chapters.
Having to follow the Codex rather than deviate straight away.
Counter-attacks from various races/factions.
Lack of equipment/experience.
etc

Not changing the number. Again. instead I am spreading the crusaders out. ALOT.
I am doing the Black Templar Idea of putting them out into a large area.
So for the next part I am going to focus on how far apart the chapter is.

The Black Templar idea is only gonna work for GW...
They are the epitome of zeal and faithfulness.
They are fanatical to the point of ridiculousness.
The Storm Crusaders cannot be like that, the niche is taken...

Hmm So They could fill the niche of protecting this entire region instead?
Ultima Segmentum
http://wh40k.lexicanum.com/wiki/Ultima_Segmentum#.Tx9APoHF_To
Which means they will interact with the largest portion of the Imperium. But Specifically that part of the Imperium. They also campaign mainly to reclaim worlds and specialize in doing so.

I would like to remind you, Asherian, that the only threat we know to still exist in the Ghoul Stars is the ONE necron tomb world, which has NOT killed an entire chapter, contrary to your claims.

This whole chapter seems like a silly, childish attempt to say "MY CHAPTER IS SOOSOSOSOSO MUCH BETTER THAN ALL THE OTHERSSSS!!! PWNZPWNZ"

If you can't think of ANY other way to distinguish them...then think it out before you post it.




Automatically Appended Next Post:

Asherian Command wrote:

purplefood wrote:

Asherian Command wrote:

purplefood wrote:I agree with the various people arguing against Asherian...
If there are seven chapters created to deal with the Ghoul Stars then work within the realistic limitations of those chapters.
Having to follow the Codex rather than deviate straight away.
Counter-attacks from various races/factions.
Lack of equipment/experience.
etc

Not changing the number. Again. instead I am spreading the crusaders out. ALOT.
I am doing the Black Templar Idea of putting them out into a large area.
So for the next part I am going to focus on how far apart the chapter is.

The Black Templar idea is only gonna work for GW...
They are the epitome of zeal and faithfulness.
They are fanatical to the point of ridiculousness.
The Storm Crusaders cannot be like that, the niche is taken...

Hmm So They could fill the niche of protecting this entire region instead?
Ultima Segmentum
http://wh40k.lexicanum.com/wiki/Ultima_Segmentum#.Tx9APoHF_To
Which means they will interact with the largest portion of the Imperium. But Specifically that part of the Imperium. They also campaign mainly to reclaim worlds and specialize in doing so.

Specialize in taking worlds? OMG Really?!?! What's next, astartes that specialize in war?

+1 to Im2random
I meant filling the niche of chapter diversity.
The 'big and fanatical' is taken.
Small and fanatical is technically taken.
Go for a regular chapter and then change them based on their experiences.
They can have some extra marines with 1500 total being the limit but don't make it too silly.
7000 marines is a big force and in some cases with the right tactics defenders do not need to outnumber (or even close) the attackers.

im2randomghgh wrote:I would like to remind you, Asherian, that the only threat we know to still exist in the Ghoul Stars is the ONE necron tomb world, which has NOT killed an entire chapter, contrary to your claims.

This whole chapter seems like a silly, childish attempt to say "MY CHAPTER IS SOOSOSOSOSO MUCH BETTER THAN ALL THE OTHERSSSS!!! PWNZPWNZ"

If you can't think of ANY other way to distinguish them...then think it out before you post it.




Automatically Appended Next Post:

Asherian Command wrote:

purplefood wrote:

Asherian Command wrote:

purplefood wrote:I agree with the various people arguing against Asherian...
If there are seven chapters created to deal with the Ghoul Stars then work within the realistic limitations of those chapters.
Having to follow the Codex rather than deviate straight away.
Counter-attacks from various races/factions.
Lack of equipment/experience.
etc

Not changing the number. Again. instead I am spreading the crusaders out. ALOT.
I am doing the Black Templar Idea of putting them out into a large area.
So for the next part I am going to focus on how far apart the chapter is.

The Black Templar idea is only gonna work for GW...
They are the epitome of zeal and faithfulness.
They are fanatical to the point of ridiculousness.
The Storm Crusaders cannot be like that, the niche is taken...

Hmm So They could fill the niche of protecting this entire region instead?
Ultima Segmentum
http://wh40k.lexicanum.com/wiki/Ultima_Segmentum#.Tx9APoHF_To
Which means they will interact with the largest portion of the Imperium. But Specifically that part of the Imperium. They also campaign mainly to reclaim worlds and specialize in doing so.

Specialize in taking worlds? OMG Really?!?! What's next, astartes that specialize in war?

Hi Random. As you know, I take comments into consideration. If you post anything insulting of my views. I will be forced to report you. I have been doing my best to change the so called 'mary sue'ness of my chapter and I Have been. I do not have the time to consider your opinions factual if you do not read the posts I have posted on this thread. If you have read the underlined. and bolded.
The So called childish behavior I have been committing is not factual or correct.

Please remember that I have been writing this and dedicated time to this. If you want to insult other people please leave.

I would like to remind you, Asherian, that the only threat we know to still exist in the Ghoul Stars is the ONE necron tomb world, which has NOT killed an entire chapter, contrary to your claims.

Yeah because one entire tombworld emprie is no threat to the imperium! I mean seriously 900 million Necron Flayed ones with a very large fleet is nothing compared to other Threats I mean! Its not like they don't every 3 months go out and slaughter entire populations of humans and wear their skin! I mean come on! Its not like the tyranid Hive Fleet is still that big of a threat! Neither are the hundreds of Xenos empires! I mean SERIOUSLY they are such an understatement! /sarcasm off
Hi Random as you may know I have researched the area. To quote

The Iquathan Deeps and the world of Orask is situated near the Ghoul Stars.6-p79 It is known that no expedition has ever returned from the Ghoul Stars.1-p44

Among the Xeno populations within this area were the Cythor Fiends1-p44 along with other creatures out of primal nightmare such as Togoran Bloodreeks along with other creatures so alien as if they were supernatural.5-p15 This region of space was once home to a number of Human inhabited worlds. However, an ancient threat is believed to be responsible for the destruction of these planets and accounted for the large number of formerly human inhabited Dead Worlds.3-118 The inhabitants of the Ghoul Stars have been described as being supernatural and pose a threat to the galaxy.4-p26 Among the most horrifying of threats native to this area of space is the Necron Bone Kingdom of Drazak.5-p15

Orask is something so terrifying. That if you have read about it you should know that anyone that fights the xenos from there. WILL DIE!
10 ENTIRE chapters were destroyed. 10!
And the so called small amount of chapters destroyed in the imperium's history HA!
http://wh40k.lexicanum.com/wiki/Loyal_Space_Marine_Chapters_%28List%29#.Tx9JPoHF_To
Please read every single entry.
And count how many have been destroyed...
There is quite a few.
BTW the Blood Angels chapter have been almost destroyed twice.... (Space hulk, and Abbaddon)
Crythor Fiends are not the only Xenos in the area.
There is not ONLY ONE THREAT!
It says specifically IN LEXIcanum that there are several hundred threats.

This whole chapter seems like a silly, childish attempt to say "MY CHAPTER IS SOOSOSOSOSO MUCH BETTER THAN ALL THE OTHERSSSS!!! PWNZPWNZ"

If you can't think of ANY other way to distinguish them...then think it out before you post it.

So the part where they are Siege Experts, make use of Devastator Squads, have 31 companies, they also under Inqusitorial Oath (Yes its possible read the red hunters.), Have been known to destroy entire chapters, Have had 7 wars on their homeplanet, they have been only nearly destroyed during two wars. Which is included way back in this thread. So your calling my claims childish huh?
So Let me get this straight. You think it is childish for me believeing that my chapter is most favorite because I made it. And I painstakingly spent hours upon hours of my time on it. And that I have biasness for wanting to protect my chapter because I think they have alot of potential. Also for the fact that you know. I have had this chapter in creation for like 8 years is you know a big deal or anything.
So you are calling my childish for believing that my chapter is the best? Hmm. So If I say that my favorite chapter is the Imperial Fists does that make me think. "OH THIS CHAPTER COULD OWN EVERYONE BLAH BLAH!"
So yeah. If you could explain to me. How that even correlates with the matter of this thread for me trying to rewrite the lore and restart alot of it. I have already done alot of things. I will not change the numbers. Plus I have lost battles and the only reason why I haven't added the massacres yet is because I am still in the process of writing them. Plus I have made jokes about my chapter. Are they my favorite DYI chapter of mine? No! They are my 2nd favorite. They will always remain so. But they are the first chapter that I have attempted with a large amount in their numbers. The Wanderers Chapter will always remain my favorite for they are the most recent and the most beaten up chapter I HAVE EVER WRITTEN! This chapter is the direct opposite of them. And will always remain that.



Automatically Appended Next Post:

purplefood wrote:+1 to Im2random
I meant filling the niche of chapter diversity.
The 'big and fanatical' is taken.
Small and fanatical is technically taken.
Go for a regular chapter and then change them based on their experiences.
They can have some extra marines with 1500 total being the limit but don't make it too silly.
7000 marines is a big force and in some cases with the right tactics defenders do not need to outnumber (or even close) the attackers.

+1 Im2random for making an immature statement?
Wow.
Yeah filling their niche is going to be tough.
They will not fill the fanatical.
But they will fullfil the big part.
I hate regular chapters I already made 4 of them.
3,500 is just an estimate. As the chapter is constantly campagining. Covering an area and their numbers are constantly going down and spiking up. They will not be decreased. That is final.
If you want me to go real techincal there are only 1,500 TRUE Storm Crusaders. The other 2,000 are untrained, and are still getting use to it and are completing the trials. For every 10 Neophytes that becomes a Initiate only 2 survive. Lets see then for every 5 trainees only 2 become neyphotes... Yes that makes them ridiciliously overpowered especially when they have such a high mortality rate.
I am writing this portion of the lore.
Especially from a different chapter view. The Black Juggernauts who are strictly Codex Astrates along with the Dusk Paladins (Except they maintain 2 extra companies because they think it is bad luck)

Hey, we all like our own homebrew stuff more than anything. They are our creations, our babies that we have seen grow and flourish. I understand your love for chapter, as I feel the same for my own (now destroyed) Craftworld.

So chill, bros. You would be lying if you said you didn't prefer the stuff you made up to the stuff other people come up with.

DeadlySquirrel wrote:Hey, we all like our own homebrew stuff more than anything. They are our creations, our babies that we have seen grow and flourish. I understand your love for chapter, as I feel the same for my own (now destroyed) Craftworld.

So chill, bros. You would be lying if you said you didn't prefer the stuff you made up to the stuff other people come up with.

Thank you for being supportive.
It really helps

Creating chapters takes time. Which I sometimes don't have. I got several projects going on at the same time that are unrelated. If you can't post constructive criticism and not post something that OP has already said. "No I am not changing that." Drop it. Don't commentate on that part no matter how much it bugs you. It really doesn't matter its a freaking Fan-made chapter, not a GW-OFFICAL Chapter. There is suppose to be a large amount of room of creativity. Yet again i've seen some people create chapters of over 90,000 marines. And I have posted saying that is way OTT.
"Oh well your chapter has 3,000."
Well Let me tell you something, I have written about each company and have used them and I am happy with the number, I have also tried to fit their chapter no. 124. Which can only be divided like this
124/2 = 62 2
124/4 = 31 4
124/1= 124 1
What does that make if you combine them apart from number 7?
124
Boom.
That took me three weeks to figure out for a math problem. There are only 6 variables that can be multiplied into the 124.
What is 6 x 2? 12
How many times does 6 go into 3,000? 500 Times. How many Veterans does my chapter have? 500.
How many companies do i have? 30 + 1 + 5 others (That don't really count) more
3,600/6 what does that equal! 600 how many Total Staff in the chapter including veterans are there? 600.
How many paladins are there? 90. How many times does 6 fit in there? 15 times. What is their company number? 15.
What is my favorite company? The 10th. how did I get this? 30/3 = 10
How many regular veteran companies are there? 3. How many original companies are there? 30.
See. I love math.
My chapter is made from math problems.
What was the final score on the one test i had? 124 out of 130. What are the Wanderers chapter no. 130.
The test was one which 2/3 of my class failed. I was the 1/3 that succeed and scored well above the normal for the test. I was in the top ten for that test.
Yet again. It just takes time and effort to put this stuff together.

Yeah because one entire tombworld emprie is no threat to the imperium! I mean seriously 900 million Necron Flayed ones with a very large fleet is nothing compared to other Threats I mean! Its not like they don't every 3 months go out and slaughter entire populations of humans and wear their skin! I mean come on! Its not like the tyranid Hive Fleet is still that big of a threat! Neither are the hundreds of Xenos empires! I mean SERIOUSLY they are such an understatement! /sarcasm off

sigh.

There is one planet with necrons. One. 900 million is a number you pulled out of your ass, as is the part about their fleet. Not sure where you got HUNDREDS of xenos EMPIRE from. The Cythor were the only large threat in the area, else the Templars wouldn't have left. There are non-major faction xenos warbands EVERYWHERE in the galaxy. The tau in their tiny little corner have like 6 species of allies.

It does not say hundreds of threats on lexicanum, because lexicanum has standards of quality and moderator that insure their information is correct, unlike this tidbit.

I counted 9 lost chapters on that list.

Most chapters have been badly depleted a few times, and have recovered, showing 1,000 marines is the perfect size.

Siege experts, use devastators (like every single codex chapter) and have companies of 100? VERY unique. Not at all like those two legions who already share that specialty.

And yes, it is childish to make a chapter ridiculously large for no good reason, simply because you want it bigger. Very much so, in fact.

im2randomghgh wrote:

Yeah because one entire tombworld emprie is no threat to the imperium! I mean seriously 900 million Necron Flayed ones with a very large fleet is nothing compared to other Threats I mean! Its not like they don't every 3 months go out and slaughter entire populations of humans and wear their skin! I mean come on! Its not like the tyranid Hive Fleet is still that big of a threat! Neither are the hundreds of Xenos empires! I mean SERIOUSLY they are such an understatement! /sarcasm off

sigh.

There is one planet with necrons. One. 900 million is a number you pulled out of your ass, as is the part about their fleet. Not sure where you got HUNDREDS of xenos EMPIRE from. The Cythor were the only large threat in the area, else the Templars wouldn't have left. There are non-major faction xenos warbands EVERYWHERE in the galaxy. The tau in their tiny little corner have like 6 species of allies.

It does not say hundreds of threats on lexicanum, because lexicanum has standards of quality and moderator that insure their information is correct, unlike this tidbit.

I counted 9 lost chapters on that list.

Most chapters have been badly depleted a few times, and have recovered, showing 1,000 marines is the perfect size.

Siege experts, use devastators (like every single codex chapter) and have companies of 100? VERY unique. Not at all like those two legions who already share that specialty.

And yes, it is childish to make a chapter ridiculously large for no good reason, simply because you want it bigger. Very much so, in fact.

You just counted lost and you didn't actually click on them individually? I counted 30.
Use Devastator Stern Guard veterans? Since when does every chapter have that? Since when does a chapter have such a large fleet they make the ultramarines look puny.
Th fleet is large. They are ship experts. AND YOU JUST IGNORED EVERYTHING!
I am sorry If I have just posted sources!
The Black Templars only aimed for the Crythor fiends and they left because they thought they had destroyed the threat. It is entirely possible because when they arrived at their homeworlds. They couldn't find anything. As if the systems had just disappeared. Read it better next time mate. You just ignored so much information. That this discussion is not even worth discussing if people just nickpick parts which they personally don't agree with.


Automatically Appended Next Post:

im2randomghgh wrote:
And yes, it is childish to make a chapter ridiculously large for no good reason, simply because you want it bigger. Very much so, in fact.

Please look at my post above yours.
Thank you.


Automatically Appended Next Post:

im2randomghgh wrote:

Most chapters have been badly depleted a few times, and have recovered, showing 1,000 marines is the perfect size.

Siege experts, use devastators (like every single codex chapter) and have companies of 100? VERY unique. Not at all like those two legions who already share that specialty.

.

companies of just 100?
Did read what is consisted in each company?
Did you read what an Initiate is?
Did you read about the Paladins?
Did you bother to read about the Chapter Wars?
Did you bother to read about how they destroyed entire chapters and plundered the spoils for themselves because they were ordered to by the Inqusition?
Did you read about their fleet?
Did you about the Wars of Asherian?
Did you read about their organization of the Library?
Did you read about the 1st company?
Did you read about the 10th company?
Did you read about how every crusading company has too look for its own recuritment?
Did you read for every 1,000 Storm Crusaders it is lead by a Single Grand Templar?
Did you read about the chapter councils?
Did you read about the Cypher of the Storm?
Did you read about the Arch Templar?
Did you read about the Paladin's Purpose?
Did you read the above posts? No. You didn't

You just counted lost and you didn't actually click on them individually? I counted 30.
Use Devastator Stern Guard veterans? Since when does every chapter have that? Since when does a chapter have such a large fleet they make the ultramarines look puny.
Th fleet is large. They are ship experts. AND YOU JUST IGNORED EVERYTHING!
I am sorry If I have just posted sources!
The Black Templars only aimed for the Crythor fiends and they left because they thought they had destroyed the threat. It is entirely possible because when they arrived at their homeworlds. They couldn't find anything. As if the systems had just disappeared. Read it better next time mate. You just ignored so much information. That this discussion is not even worth discussing if people just nickpick parts which they personally don't agree with.

Veteran devastators =/= sternguard devastators.
"Since when does a chapter have such a large fleet they make the ultramarines look puny.
Th fleet is large. They are ship expert" Since BT
And I did read it. The system did not disappear, the planets were still there. No life. That means one of the planets they cleansed before was their homeworld. I Ignored nothing.

im2randomghgh wrote:

You just counted lost and you didn't actually click on them individually? I counted 30.
Use Devastator Stern Guard veterans? Since when does every chapter have that? Since when does a chapter have such a large fleet they make the ultramarines look puny.
Th fleet is large. They are ship experts. AND YOU JUST IGNORED EVERYTHING!
I am sorry If I have just posted sources!
The Black Templars only aimed for the Crythor fiends and they left because they thought they had destroyed the threat. It is entirely possible because when they arrived at their homeworlds. They couldn't find anything. As if the systems had just disappeared. Read it better next time mate. You just ignored so much information. That this discussion is not even worth discussing if people just nickpick parts which they personally don't agree with.

Veteran devastators =/= sternguard devastators.
"Since when does a chapter have such a large fleet they make the ultramarines look puny.
Th fleet is large. They are ship expert" Since BT
And I did read it. The system did not disappear, the planets were still there. No life. That means one of the planets they cleansed before was their homeworld. I Ignored nothing.

Or Maybe they thought they did. You cannot infer that im2random. And yes you did.
You did ignore it.
And Veteran Devastators means my squads have 4 heavy weapons in a squad. or 4 assualt weapons. (yes that is legal)
Veteran devastators = extremely long ranged or extremely close used for sieges
Sternguard usually are used as drop pod units.
My chapter does not make use of drop pods as much.
They lack Land Speeders and bikes. (yeah they don't)
I have kept to that since 4th ed. I have 0 bikes for my Storm Crusaders. Alot of tanks.
Alot of unit types.
You ignored the thing above....
And they only attacked the Cyrthor fiends.... Thats it. THAT was there only part of their crusade. They arrived in the system, it didn't say there was no life. It said there was nothing there. I Have the codex in my hands. IT does not say there was no life. It specifically says there was nothing there. Implining the civilization left. They then left for Armaggeddon. And you cannot infer the entire empire was destroyed. It was left open ended. You keep inferring. I am not inferring at all. I am providing evidence.
Ahem to quote the CODEX (DO NOT COPY THIS)

Helbrecht immediately declared a crusade against the cythor fiends of the ghoul stars, taking the fight into this desolate region of space, from which no expedition had ever returned. Within eight years, the xenos population of the outlying systems had been exterminated and the crusade pushed onwards to the aliens' homeworld, but upon reaching the core systems, they were found to be eerily empty. No trace could be found of the aliens, but before the mystery could be fully explored, a desperate call for help came from besieged world of Armaggedon telling of the return of the ork warlord.....

To avoid this getting removed I have this...


You inferred FROM THE CODEX! It is the Crythor fiends they were exterminated in the outlying systems. But their homeworlds were never found. Lexi is prone to missing vital information. You can't just immedately believe that it is correct. You need to take it with a grain of salt. As with all Wiki's
There are tons of alien empires there. There isn't just the Crythor Fiends. They aren't alone in that regard. I kept repeating this too you. But you ignored that VITAL part of it. There is more than just the Crythor fiends and the Necrons, There are supernatural inhabitants, there are xenos empires. It DWARFs the threats of tau by 3,000 times over. Sorry but you keep inferring and repeating information that is not contray to my lore.
Now I will be going back to my lore thank you.

1. It was what they were crusading against, but if they encountered other xenos, they would have purged them too. For no other xenos to have even been encountered by them, it cannot be that dangerous.

2. It says no trace of the aliens. It doesn't say no stars, no planets. If so, then it wouldn't have been the CORE SYSTEMS. Do you know what a SOLAR SYSTEM is?

Also, have you considered becoming the official mascot of SOPA/PIPA? What with your massive overkill of acknowledging copyright, and the words "Censor this now." in the other thread...


Automatically Appended Next Post:
There are xenos that APPEAR supernatural, but nothing supernatural about it. Also, there are not "Tons" of aliens, nor is there anything indicating full empires, other than the Crythor fiends, at all. Pure inference by you, as with much of your argument.

Nothing there even compares to the tau. Notice how the tau repelled a crusade launched against them, featuring titans, with a single planet's defense force, which was only focused on evacuating civilians? How they curbstomped the imperials at Taros? How the can take entire worlds with nothing but words? How most of the species they come into contact with join them? How the xenos who join them are of unknown strength? How their company-sized hunter cadres can take on entire regiments of guard? How they have a 100+ planet empire, and (seemingly) divine intervention that saved them?

I am not saying tau are a threat on a galactic scale, yet, but they are a much bigger threat than the ghoul stars could ever be.

im2randomghgh wrote:1. It was what they were crusading against, but if they encountered other xenos, they would have purged them too. For no other xenos to have even been encountered by them, it cannot be that dangerous.

2. It says no trace of the aliens. It doesn't say no stars, no planets. If so, then it wouldn't have been the CORE SYSTEMS. Do you know what a SOLAR SYSTEM is?

Also, have you considered becoming the official mascot of SOPA/PIPA? What with your massive overkill of acknowledging copyright, and the words "Censor this now." in the other thread...

Actually no. If you had bothered to look. No.
1.Yes because they are willing to go off their path way into the regions that were other xenos empires. Brilliant they were after the crythor and they were clearly in Crythor fiend territory. Again your inferring that they did. They didn't. The lore does not say AND THEN they killed these guys. No it doesn't, Stop inferring that they did.

2. It says no trace. Not abosutle destruction of the race was inferred. It was reported there were alot more of them They just don't know where.

Plus this is my chapter. Not yours. If you don't like it. comment about it instead of attacking it when it is still being rewritten. AFTER IT IS WRITTEN! comment about it. I have told all of you I am not changing the amount there.
SOPA is stop online piracy act. I am against it. But you can be charged for plagrism for not citing the sources. That is writing 101 right there. I think everyone should learn how to cite their sources. Its fair. It gives credit to people. I hate PIPA I hate the things they proposed Unlike most I say provide something better than piracy websites and people will stop pirating.

If people could find safer alternatives and not as costly on their wallet it would be great.

Your inferring is really making your agruement null.


Automatically Appended Next Post:

im2randomghgh wrote:1. It was what they were crusading against, but if they encountered other xenos, they would have purged them too. For no other xenos to have even been encountered by them, it cannot be that dangerous.

2. It says no trace of the aliens. It doesn't say no stars, no planets. If so, then it wouldn't have been the CORE SYSTEMS. Do you know what a SOLAR SYSTEM is?

Also, have you considered becoming the official mascot of SOPA/PIPA? What with your massive overkill of acknowledging copyright, and the words "Censor this now." in the other thread...


Automatically Appended Next Post:
There are xenos that APPEAR supernatural, but nothing supernatural about it. Also, there are not "Tons" of aliens, nor is there anything indicating full empires, other than the Crythor fiends, at all. Pure inference by you, as with much of your argument.

Nothing there even compares to the tau. Notice how the tau repelled a crusade launched against them, featuring titans, with a single planet's defense force, which was only focused on evacuating civilians? How they curbstomped the imperials at Taros? How the can take entire worlds with nothing but words? How most of the species they come into contact with join them? How the xenos who join them are of unknown strength? How their company-sized hunter cadres can take on entire regiments of guard? How they have a 100+ planet empire, and (seemingly) divine intervention that saved them?

I am not saying tau are a threat on a galactic scale, yet, but they are a much bigger threat than the ghoul stars could ever be.

Nope and what the hell does that have to do with the tau? I said it is more dangerous and a bigger issue than the tau. Sorry. But take your tau stuff away from this thread. You keep bringing agruements that are offtopic. I am not inferring at all. That is what the lexi and my documents say. They say there are alot of aliens there. There might be empires.
I am now getting on to my topic and I will now be writing my lore. Thank you for your comments. But stop with the insulting and offtopicness make your own thread then.

Asherian Command wrote:

im2randomghgh wrote:1. It was what they were crusading against, but if they encountered other xenos, they would have purged them too. For no other xenos to have even been encountered by them, it cannot be that dangerous.

2. It says no trace of the aliens. It doesn't say no stars, no planets. If so, then it wouldn't have been the CORE SYSTEMS. Do you know what a SOLAR SYSTEM is?

Also, have you considered becoming the official mascot of SOPA/PIPA? What with your massive overkill of acknowledging copyright, and the words "Censor this now." in the other thread...

Actually no. If you had bothered to look. No.
1.Yes because they are willing to go off their path way into the regions that were other xenos empires. Brilliant they were after the crythor and they were clearly in Crythor fiend territory. Again your inferring that they did. They didn't. The lore does not say AND THEN they killed these guys. No it doesn't, Stop inferring that they did.

2. It says no trace. Not abosutle destruction of the race was inferred. It was reported there were alot more of them They just don't know where.

Plus this is my chapter. Not yours. If you don't like it. comment about it instead of attacking it when it is still being rewritten. AFTER IT IS WRITTEN! comment about it. I have told all of you I am not changing the amount there.
SOPA is stop online piracy act. I am against it. But you can be charged for plagrism for not citing the sources. That is writing 101 right there. I think everyone should learn how to cite their sources. Its fair. It gives credit to people. I hate PIPA I hate the things they proposed Unlike most I say provide something better than piracy websites and people will stop pirating.

If people could find safer alternatives and not as costly on their wallet it would be great.

Your inferring is really making your agruement null.

1. Nothing was inferred. It does not state that they ever encountered anything other than the crythor, meaning the incidence of xenos is not high in the Ghoul Stars. If it were, you would see "And then hundreds of thousands of different species of aliens which could all eat the entire imperium in a day but choose not to were pimped slapped by Helbrecht on his way to the crythor". Face it, they are NOT DANGEROUS.

2. It did NOT SAY THERE WERE PLENTY MORE OF THEM. Look at your own quote. Nothing there says a lot more. Nothing says any more.

@the debate about the copyright, it is quite brilliant we are using anonymous accounts then isn't it? You are giving credit with the whole [quote= part. Note the equals.

And the reason we are providing feedback now is that the only part that really needs fixing is your gigantism fetish, making oversized chapters because the codex astartes isn't good enough for you.

My agruement is null? Oh no, not my agruement. Good thing I haven't inferred anything, unlike you throwing out random numbers of necrons, calling a few species of xenos "HUNDREDS of xenos EMPIRES" and assuming the Ghouls Stars are infinite times more dangerous that the EoT and Maelstrom put together. SO my argument is quite valid, thank you.

AND you were the one who brought up tau.

I am not inferring at all

There MIGHT be empires

...are a more dangerous and a bigger issue than the tau...

Ouuuuu...irony.

More irony?

You came down hard on swearing in the other thread, and now you're saying "What the hell?" which happens to be swearing.

im2randomghgh wrote:

Asherian Command wrote:

im2randomghgh wrote:1. It was what they were crusading against, but if they encountered other xenos, they would have purged them too. For no other xenos to have even been encountered by them, it cannot be that dangerous.

2. It says no trace of the aliens. It doesn't say no stars, no planets. If so, then it wouldn't have been the CORE SYSTEMS. Do you know what a SOLAR SYSTEM is?

Also, have you considered becoming the official mascot of SOPA/PIPA? What with your massive overkill of acknowledging copyright, and the words "Censor this now." in the other thread...

Actually no. If you had bothered to look. No.
1.Yes because they are willing to go off their path way into the regions that were other xenos empires. Brilliant they were after the crythor and they were clearly in Crythor fiend territory. Again your inferring that they did. They didn't. The lore does not say AND THEN they killed these guys. No it doesn't, Stop inferring that they did.

2. It says no trace. Not abosutle destruction of the race was inferred. It was reported there were alot more of them They just don't know where.

Plus this is my chapter. Not yours. If you don't like it. comment about it instead of attacking it when it is still being rewritten. AFTER IT IS WRITTEN! comment about it. I have told all of you I am not changing the amount there.
SOPA is stop online piracy act. I am against it. But you can be charged for plagrism for not citing the sources. That is writing 101 right there. I think everyone should learn how to cite their sources. Its fair. It gives credit to people. I hate PIPA I hate the things they proposed Unlike most I say provide something better than piracy websites and people will stop pirating.

If people could find safer alternatives and not as costly on their wallet it would be great.

Your inferring is really making your agruement null.

1. Nothing was inferred. It does not state that they ever encountered anything other than the crythor, meaning the incidence of xenos is not high in the Ghoul Stars. If it were, you would see "And then hundreds of thousands of different species of aliens which could all eat the entire imperium in a day but choose not to were pimped slapped by Helbrecht on his way to the crythor". Face it, they are NOT DANGEROUS.

2. It did NOT SAY THERE WERE PLENTY MORE OF THEM. Look at your own quote. Nothing there says a lot more. Nothing says any more.

@the debate about the copyright, it is quite brilliant we are using anonymous accounts then isn't it? You are giving credit with the whole [quote= part. Note the equals.

And the reason we are providing feedback now is that the only part that really needs fixing is your gigantism fetish, making oversized chapters because the codex astartes isn't good enough for you.

My agruement is null? Oh no, not my agruement. Good thing I haven't inferred anything, unlike you throwing out random numbers of necrons, calling a few species of xenos "HUNDREDS of xenos EMPIRES" and assuming the Ghouls Stars are infinite times more dangerous that the EoT and Maelstrom put together. SO my argument is quite valid, thank you.

AND you were the one who brought up tau.

I am not inferring at all

There MIGHT be empires

...are a more dangerous and a bigger issue than the tau...

Ouuuuu...irony.

More irony?

You came down hard on swearing in the other thread, and now you're saying "What the hell?" which happens to be swearing.

okay I never said that about the eye of terror and the Maelstorm. It is infinitely more dangerous in this area compared to most normal areas. Most space marine chapters are fight something that they have seen before. This area is realtively unknown.
Now leave my thread and stop getting off topic NOW!

Asherian Command wrote:

im2randomghgh wrote:

Asherian Command wrote:

im2randomghgh wrote:1. It was what they were crusading against, but if they encountered other xenos, they would have purged them too. For no other xenos to have even been encountered by them, it cannot be that dangerous.

2. It says no trace of the aliens. It doesn't say no stars, no planets. If so, then it wouldn't have been the CORE SYSTEMS. Do you know what a SOLAR SYSTEM is?

Also, have you considered becoming the official mascot of SOPA/PIPA? What with your massive overkill of acknowledging copyright, and the words "Censor this now." in the other thread...

Actually no. If you had bothered to look. No.
1.Yes because they are willing to go off their path way into the regions that were other xenos empires. Brilliant they were after the crythor and they were clearly in Crythor fiend territory. Again your inferring that they did. They didn't. The lore does not say AND THEN they killed these guys. No it doesn't, Stop inferring that they did.

2. It says no trace. Not abosutle destruction of the race was inferred. It was reported there were alot more of them They just don't know where.

Plus this is my chapter. Not yours. If you don't like it. comment about it instead of attacking it when it is still being rewritten. AFTER IT IS WRITTEN! comment about it. I have told all of you I am not changing the amount there.
SOPA is stop online piracy act. I am against it. But you can be charged for plagrism for not citing the sources. That is writing 101 right there. I think everyone should learn how to cite their sources. Its fair. It gives credit to people. I hate PIPA I hate the things they proposed Unlike most I say provide something better than piracy websites and people will stop pirating.

If people could find safer alternatives and not as costly on their wallet it would be great.

Your inferring is really making your agruement null.

1. Nothing was inferred. It does not state that they ever encountered anything other than the crythor, meaning the incidence of xenos is not high in the Ghoul Stars. If it were, you would see "And then hundreds of thousands of different species of aliens which could all eat the entire imperium in a day but choose not to were pimped slapped by Helbrecht on his way to the crythor". Face it, they are NOT DANGEROUS.

2. It did NOT SAY THERE WERE PLENTY MORE OF THEM. Look at your own quote. Nothing there says a lot more. Nothing says any more.

@the debate about the copyright, it is quite brilliant we are using anonymous accounts then isn't it? You are giving credit with the whole [quote= part. Note the equals.

And the reason we are providing feedback now is that the only part that really needs fixing is your gigantism fetish, making oversized chapters because the codex astartes isn't good enough for you.

My agruement is null? Oh no, not my agruement. Good thing I haven't inferred anything, unlike you throwing out random numbers of necrons, calling a few species of xenos "HUNDREDS of xenos EMPIRES" and assuming the Ghouls Stars are infinite times more dangerous that the EoT and Maelstrom put together. SO my argument is quite valid, thank you.

AND you were the one who brought up tau.

I am not inferring at all

There MIGHT be empires

...are a more dangerous and a bigger issue than the tau...

Ouuuuu...irony.

More irony?

You came down hard on swearing in the other thread, and now you're saying "What the hell?" which happens to be swearing.

okay I never said that about the eye of terror and the Maelstorm. It is infinitely more dangerous in this area compared to most normal areas. Most space marine chapters are fight something that they have seen before. This area is realtively unknown.
Now leave my thread and stop getting off topic NOW!

You said it was THE worst place for warp travel, meaning more so than the EoT or Maelstrom.

And this is something they've seen before: xenos.

Okay anyway. Back on topic.

I have focused on a certain aspect this time for the lore.
I am going to write about Lord Commander Loken.
On thrusday. I have run my course today, i have taken multiple tests, finished my eagle scout conference, my life purpose and a ton of other things. So I will get onto it sometime. But until then. I will keep trying to improve my lore. Right now it is inefficent to have the so called point of no return with 3,000 marines. Well Oh well I am still going to keep it because it is my chapter and I can do what ever i want with it. Hell I could make one of my captains. Commander Star Sprinkles of the 4th company.

Asherian Command wrote:Okay anyway. Back on topic.

I have focused on a certain aspect this time for the lore.
I am going to write about Lord Commander Loken.
On thrusday. I have run my course today, i have taken multiple tests, finished my eagle scout conference, my life purpose and a ton of other things. So I will get onto it sometime. But until then. I will keep trying to improve my lore. Right now it is inefficent to have the so called point of no return with 3,000 marines. Well Oh well I am still going to keep it because it is my chapter and I can do what ever i want with it. Hell I could make one of my captains. Commander Star Sprinkles of the 4th company.

Epic troll is epic.

WAIT WAIT WAIT

Eagle scouts?

You're a kid? NOW it all makes sense. I've wasted my time on you, kids don't concede to anything ever.

UNSUBSCRIBE

Wow. I never thought saying my age would get rid of posters
Anyway I have started going through my bits book and looking for horse hairs from CSM and I found a few cool things and I have thought about giving that to entire squads that would be interesting

As much as reading all of this has been as interesting as it has been time consuming i'm gonna give up trying...

purplefood wrote:As much as reading all of this has been as interesting as it has been time consuming i'm gonna give up trying...

In short.
Nuh uh!
Yuh huh!

By the way I have too shoot down the idea of making a guard army until I have a decent income.

IN the meantime enjoy this beautiful piece of artwork!

All Credits go to John boGohn from deviant Art. Its a beautiful piece of artwork.
Next up Loken and his 10th company...

Asherian Command wrote:
companies of just 100?
Did read what is consisted in each company?
Did you read what an Initiate is?
Did you read about the Paladins?
Did you bother to read about the Chapter Wars?
Did you bother to read about how they destroyed entire chapters and plundered the spoils for themselves because they were ordered to by the Inqusition?
Did you read about their fleet?
Did you about the Wars of Asherian?
Did you read about their organization of the Library?
Did you read about the 1st company?
Did you read about the 10th company?
Did you read about how every crusading company has too look for its own recuritment?
Did you read for every 1,000 Storm Crusaders it is lead by a Single Grand Templar?
Did you read about the chapter councils?
Did you read about the Cypher of the Storm?
Did you read about the Arch Templar?
Did you read about the Paladin's Purpose?
Did you read the above posts? No. You didn't

All of that is boring, useless information that adds nothing to the character of your chapter.

Really, I know you're young, but it really shows in your writing.

Look, try this for a neat exercise.

Take a regular Codex chapter.

Now, change anything you want about them. But everything you change, you need to come up with a plausible reason for.

For example, you want to change their size from 1000 to 3500. Why do you want to do that, and what is the reason in the background for that change?

Now, before you say it, I can already guess at the background reason. They are spread out over a lage area, fighting lots of bad guys in a dangerous place. Right?

Well, so is every other Marine chapter. You'll have to do better than that.

Honestly, you can stop trying to justify it, because you never will. If every other chapter can get by with 1000 men, then so can yours. Sticking to your guns on this issue makes you look very juvenile. We aren't doing it to try and crush your dreams, were telling you to decrease their size because it makes for a more interesting and readable chapter.

It's not the plausible reason thing though...
If you're gonna make something good about your chapter then you have to make something bad. It needs to balance out.
This doesn't do it...

So maybe a source of a mutation unquie to the chapter?
Like the old lore where I had a perfectly good explantion. They need to protect those worlds at all costs.
I could think of a good few reasons actually. I have more than just the Juvenile ideas that you believe I have.
Hell the entire reason why I made it 3000 is because it is a 6 and 6/3 =2 Which is a Variable of 124. :/ I will bump it down 3,100 but no lower.We still have 30 companies. but 300 other staff and things.
1,200 True crusaders, 1,000 recruits and 800 trainees.
How about that the chapter is a Space Marine Chapter killer. They are sent in if the Inqusition does not like that chapter, so the Storm Crusaders come in, and slaughter and plunder them of their resources and scrubbing them from history. Making that very pausiable as alot of numbers would abosutely sink any chapter.
Also for very long campagins that take a decade or more to fight.
Or they could be on some great crusade to try and reclaim rouge human empires.
Or Hell they could be best friends with the black templars and just love their idealogy and took it upon themselves to follow suite but retain siege expertise (Which is rare in a chapter). Instead of focusing on fast attack, the chapter takes heavy weapons, tanks and alot more tactical squads.
The Chaplains perform a similar task to other chapters but instead they sometimes lead companys. Such as the Scout companies. Each one is lead by a chaplain instead of a captain.
The chapter has only 3 Contemptor Dreadnoughts.
They salvage armor from other chapters.
They are often very good in space warfare, sometimes spearheading crusades in the ghoul stars.

Really, I know you're young, but it really shows in your writing.

Yes because 17 is such a young age. I started wargaming when I was 7.
But meh, I get what your saying. I write quickly, Helk I type really fast. Problem with working at an office when I was 15 Thanks mom.

But I have been trying to figure out some sort of origin. I really don't want to ruin the secret of who their founding chapter/legion is.
But meh. Here it goes.

BTW I lied. I am actually doing the origins first. Here it is. I spent alot of time on this....
The Origins of the Crusaders

The Storm Crusaders before they were as large and powerful as they are today. Started out as the chapter called the Dusk Legion, they were founded shortly after the third founding. Though their geneseed source has been lost to history. They were created by the requests of a Highlord of Terra, The Inquisition Representative. A very unusual request. At the time, they knew that very few chapters were stationed in the ghoul stars and that a massive rebellious empire called the Drancorian Empire had taken root there. They along with a larger Imperial Crusade were sent to bring the Empire back into the Imperium. Even though the imperium of man, had just been recovered from the Destruction of the original high lords.

The Dusk Legion, at this time were only 500 Astartes strong, after half of their fleet had been destroyed by some unknown means along with half of the Imperial Crusade who had also been strangely destroyed. No records apart from the words “The Nightmare” are mentioned. The remaining First Captain, Asherian Gerkios: one of the last Surviving Librarian took his place as the Chapter Master and Chief Librarian, leading the Dusk Legionaries into a grand campaign against the Drancorian Empire. Guided by his visions of a possible future. Asherian Gerkios took the remaining Legionaries and attacked the Drancorian Empire outlying systems. Sparking an massive war between them and the Legionaries. During this time, the Dusk Legionaries dwindled far below their initial amount of the beginning of the crusade. He then saw a weakness which had been exploited by the empire they fought against arriving from the tenets of the Codex Astartes. He found it unable to provide any adequate ways to combat such a foe as the Drancorians. Then unfortunately more bad luck struck as the Last Codex Astartes copy, that the Dusk Legion had remaining was destroyed in a firefight between the Master of Sanctity and a Boarding party from the Drancorian Navy.

With no guidance and no way to communicate with any other Near-by forces, either having been destroyed or having retreated to regroup and rearm. The Dusk Legionaries being the last surviving Astartes in the area immediately took it upon themselves to stay within the empire and provide a forward base for the forces that had retreated. The Dusk Legion’s Command had to think quickly. Asherian Gerkios as wisened as he was finally signaled a tactical withdrawal to the rest of the Dusk Legion Fleet in a ploy to make the Drancorian empire be fooled into thinking the Dusk Legion had retreated. They waited. Asherian Gerkios plan had worked. The Drancorian empire’s fleets stationed around the Drancorian empire searching for 3 years. 20 years later the chapter attacked as the empire had dispersed it’s forces. The Legion attacked a highly populated world, slaughtering its entire government officials and its military leaders. The entire empire was struck with the realization that the Legion had successfully destroyed its entire military command and its leaders. Though they of course attacked the Legion, but the Dusk Legion retreated. Surprising the Drancorian Military.

Yet something more sinister had happened. An entire population center filled with young male children had gone missing. The Dusk Legion had resorted to extreme measures of recruitment. The ploy was complete the Dusk Legion returned 10 years later. With fully replenished numbers. The Drancorian Empire was smashed apart as the Dusk Legion lead a crusade a claiming every world as their own. During this time the Dusk Legion had seen that their new recruits who they had mind wiped before training them were created into full Astartes.

The Dusk Legion then found something even more mysterious. By some unknown means an entire fleet had appeared. The Dusk Legion not knowing who they were immediately found the full horror of the Situation. The other half of the Imperial Crusade Had arrived. But not in the guise of their brothers but in the guise of entirely new foe. The Dusk Legion watched in horror as the new threat came, the once noble imperial crusade had returned but now devoted to the Chaos Gods. The Dusk Legion forces that had also been lost were now dead. Instead they were mounted upon the prows of the Corrupted Crusade’s Battleships. The Dusk Legion then quickly contacted the Drancorian empire. Asherian Gerisko being a powerful pysker as he transmitted a message to the Drancorian Empire leader, “I know we have waged war between each other, for forty years. But there is a greater threat at hand. I oath that my chapter will forever guard your empire, but in exchange you must fight with us. I will never allow a foe such as these traitor’s to despoil our kin.”

While organizing their forces, the Dusk Legion sent their 10th company into a recon oppurunity taking it upon themselves they delayed the Chaos Crusade from reaching the core worlds. Instead the Chaos Crusade attacked the outlying worlds. Decimating entire populations and setting the worlds to the flame. The Daemon leading these efforts called itself Malkitor the Prince of Lies.

Asherian having fought daemons before knew that the only way to kill the beast was to banish it. But he himself had been weakened by the screams of the former loyal crews of the crusade. He sent out a task to the Librarians of the chapter. The task of finding the Daemon’s true name. A task of which would lead to the daemons banishment for a longer time than just trying to kill the beasts.

Meanwhile… The Drancorian Empire seeing the situation at hand, they took Asherian’s offer. The Dusk Legion and the Drancorian Navy stopped the Corrupted crusade on the world of Milis. The Dusk Legion launched their assault company into the Chaos Force’s Capitol Ship, taking the Corrupted Capitol Ship of the ill fated Crusade. The Assualt company Techmarine turned its weapons upon the rest of the fleet. Using this as a distraction the rest of the chapter deployed itself to the ground to fight the landed chaos forces. As the Space Battle raged. The Dusk Legion fought against the entire chaos forces, waiting for aid from their new allies. But for the first time luck was on their side. The Drancorian Military forces deployed, joining their allies in driving the Chaos Forces off planet. Upon the battlefield the Daemon Malkitor laughed at the arrival of his new opponent. Asherian wore the pale armor of his chapter. Asherian’s hands crackled with power as he drew his halberd. The Daemon Malkitor spoke to Asherian telling him the wonders of which he would give the Chapter Master. Asherian chuckled. His response was slicing a traitor in half.

Malkitor lashed at the Chapter Master. Asherian having knowledge of the Daemon. Muttered the Daemons true name. The Daemon Malkitor screamed as Asherian took his Halbred and beheaded the beast. Banishing it for untold millennia. The Chaos Gods themselves screamed in pain as their connection to their forces was severed. Asherian took the luxury of collapsing. And took the view of the planet. Saying “This world will never be the same.” The Chaos forces sensing their masters defeat retreated in complete disarray. Leaving the planet as the Dusk Legion forces chased the Chaos Forces off planet.
But what greeted the chaos forces was the combined fleets of the Dusk Legion and the Drancorian Armada. The Chaos Forces were wiped out as the Dusk Legion Battle Barge Storm’s Visage fired its main cannon upon the chaos fleet. The Chaos Crusade was ended in its tracks.

The Dusk Legion victorious and they successfully allowed an alliance between the Imperium and Drancorian empire to begin. The Drancorian Council then took Asherian’s offer for protection. Giving the chapter permission to use their empire for whatever they wished. The Dusk Legion having found a new home accepted the terms. And built their fortress Monestary in the Core System of Dranis. Taking the world of Dranco as their fortress.
One Hundred Years later The Inquisition arrived at the Chapter homeworld. Wishing to speak to Asherian. Asherian then agreed to a secret parely to the Inquisition. The Inquisition having seen the Dusk Legion only 160 years ago. They told Asherian that they had use of his chapter’s companies. Seeing that they had fought a war by themselves. Asherian was then told that his chapter could exceed the amount of 3,000. Asherian agreed to the terms. His chapter’s most elite would forever serve the Inquisition later to be known as the Alpha Squadron. This at that moment’s task was something more sinister.

Asherian was then taken by the Grey Knights. The Dusk Legionaries believed that he had disappeared. No one knows what became of him. But his chapter after his Disappearance the chapter reforged itself into the Storm Crusaders. Forever sentenced to crusade against the enemies of the Imperium and to destroy any and all warp tainted beings within the Imperium. Or any Astartes chapter that was renegade. They would become chapter hunters. Destroying entire chapters, that proved to be traitors in the eyes of the holy Inqusition. The Dusk Legion took the name of the Storm Crusaders, from the Storm’s Visage, and the loyal crew of the Crusader Spirit (Who had suffered a fate worse than death). And then taking the colors of Asherian’s Personnel Heraldry.
This war would later been named the Crusade of Asherian.

(Theres some bad ilk for ya!)

Just read through large portions of this thread. I admire your dedication. You really do sound like you enjoy writing the fluff for your chapter. I suppose in the end, practice does make perfect, and if you keep writing with the same dedication I could see you becoming a fair writer.

I was just wondering though, you seem to break such a huge number of established "rules" that have been laid down by previous 40k fluff. Why don't you just ditch the pretense of being a space marine chapter, and write in your own universe? You may have to change many things, but as it stands now, I just cannot "see" this chapter. You've written a huge amount of background information, but I am hard-pressed to find a connection between many of the sections. It seems as if you write what you want to write, not necessarily what is plausible for the universe that you are writing in. It has been suggested before, but you should really take a simple idea and expand upon that. Slowly, with a discernible direction. The character of a chapter is developed through careful application of stress on a few important points. As it stands now, despite the massive amount of dedication (sweat and blood to be sure) you've put into this, it all just seems rather laughable.

I want to believe! The best writers know where to limit themselves, to keep things in the realm of probability. You should give it a go.

Sekminara wrote:Just read through large portions of this thread. I admire your dedication. You really do sound like you enjoy writing the fluff for your chapter. I suppose in the end, practice does make perfect, and if you keep writing with the same dedication I could see you becoming a fair writer.

I was just wondering though, you seem to break such a huge number of established "rules" that have been laid down by previous 40k fluff. Why don't you just ditch the pretense of being a space marine chapter, and write in your own universe? You may have to change many things, but as it stands now, I just cannot "see" this chapter. You've written a huge amount of background information, but I am hard-pressed to find a connection between many of the sections. It seems as if you write what you want to write, not necessarily what is plausible for the universe that you are writing in. It has been suggested before, but you should really take a simple idea and expand upon that. Slowly, with a discernible direction. The character of a chapter is developed through careful application of stress on a few important points. As it stands now, despite the massive amount of dedication (sweat and blood to be sure) you've put into this, it all just seems rather laughable.

I want to believe! The best writers know where to limit themselves, to keep things in the realm of probability. You should give it a go.

Thats truthful. The entire reason why I am even restarting is because people asked me to do. And I really like the idea of them being in this universe.
I really can't see getting them in another universe. I could throw them in an universe because their warp engines malnfunctioned or something and they went to a different universe entirelly. But I would probably keep the Wanderers and the other more established chapters behind. I really don't know.
I just wrote a big portion of the fluff.
Why are they so big?
Why are they there?
Why do they serve the inqusition?
Why did the Inqusitior Representative request for the construction of the Dusk Legion?

Hi guys wrote this recently I will be going back to reedit it. Its just girl problems and also having to deal with the multitudes of amount of things I have to complete...
The Der Tod des Kreuzfahrers Crusade
Of all the recent events that has happened to the chapter. None are worse than the Kreuzfahrers Crusade. Later dubbed as a Massacre by the chaplains of the Storm Crusaders. Which only happened 50 years ago. The chapter has now refused to recover those companies. The chapter seeing it foolish to try and maintain such high numbers. The chapter has maintained only 2,500 Astartes. Though their numbers have dropped after the campaign of blood around 200 more Astartes were killed.
The 3 companies of the Storm Crusaders Reserve companies and 2 scouting companies were campaigning near the Maelstorm. The Storm Crusaders were lead by Captain Jackal. While on patrol the Crusaders 27th company was patrolling the area as reports of unknown vessels approached. The Captain of the 27th unwarily and stubborn as he was instead saw the symbol of the former Storm Knights. Knowing this to be a trap. The Captain of the 27th and his small fleet were annihalted save for one strike vessel which had escaped. When the ship came it told of the former loyal Storm Knights. And their merciless killing of the 27th company. The Der Tod Des Kreuzfahrers Crusade began. (mouth full I know XD).
At Least 3 Campaigning Companies answered, but were en-route to the location. The 4 Remaining companies set up a base point to scour the area for the rouge fleet. The Storms Knights as they were once known as were the only successor from the Storm Crusaders. But from some mishap the entire chapter was turned into mutants and creatures of death after some hideous experiment from an unknown source.
While the Companies were preparing the Crusading Companies were delayed efficiently putting them out of the entire crusade. With no reinforcements the companies under Captain jackal held their point. Not knowing that the Former Storm Knights were gathering in a dark ritual. The entire 4 companies gathered but the Storm Knight fleet arrived corrupted beyond measure. The Two forces engaged.
Captain Jackal lead his company into the corrupted starfortress Ebon Hawk as the sliced through the defenders of the Starfortress. Unknown to him that there was a trap ahead of him…
While he was fighting through the starfortress. The Rest of the Crusader Forces were taking positions with their fleet to destroy the enemy flanks and cruisers. And make their fleet unusable in the upcoming boarding actions.
The Fleet forces were lead by Captain Kerion a newer Captain. As he was aboard his Strike Cruiser all of a sudden the entire bridge started echoing with screams of torture. It is unknown what exactly happened aboard the ship. But what is known of the aftermath is that the entire 27th company strike craft took 3 months to purge successfully. And the creatures that inhabited it were beasts of death the bodies of the entire 27th company were found scattered and lifeless their geneseed unrecoverable by the taints of the warp.
While the chaos ensued in the 27th Companies’ Strike cruiser. The 26th meet with more luck. Bashing through the Armada of the Chaos forces, destroying an entire Corrupted Cruiser pair in the process and sinking many strike vessels. The Ship itself The Blood Thorn had managed to defeat many of its foes. The 26th company deployed itself into the Star Fortress. While the rest of the Crusader Fleet was being destroyed. The Blood Thorn eventually had to retreat as it contained a relic of the chapter that had been recently found. It retreated and was not heard of for months.
The 13th,14th, and the 15th companies meet their end as their ground forces were swept aside as they were killed by the Chaos Forces. The hundreds of Crusaders that were killed was felt by Malnar of the Storm Crusaders from the homeworld. Crying in pain as he felt the lose of so many of his brethren.
Malnar Immediately called for the Wanderers aid and both of the Storm Crusaders 2nd and 10th Companies to aid their brethren. While the rest of the 3 other campaigning companies were also enroute.

Captian Jackal and his 28th company fought in the bowels of the ship but as they entered the command centre. He had no less than 30 Astartes left.
To be continued...

I, Believe That You Are Putting In A Great Deal Of Effort And I Like What You Are Doing. Keep Going With It, There May Be Many Undiscovered Threats In That System Which They May Have To Deal With. I Would Love To See This Army Completed.

You Have Inspired Me To Create One For Myself. Thank You.

Also Please Post Pictures Of The Storm Crusader's Progress In Building,Painting And Gaming.

Thank You Once Again And Good Luck.

Asherian Command wrote:
Malkitor lashed at the Chapter Master. Asherian having knowledge of the Daemon. Muttered the Daemons true name. The Daemon Malkitor screamed as Asherian took his Halbred and beheaded the beast. Banishing it for untold millennia. The Chaos Gods themselves screamed in pain as their connection to their forces was severed. Asherian took the luxury of collapsing. And took the view of the planet. Saying “This world will never be the same.” The Chaos forces sensing their masters defeat retreated in complete disarray. Leaving the planet as the Dusk Legion forces chased the Chaos Forces off planet.
But what greeted the chaos forces was the combined fleets of the Dusk Legion and the Drancorian Armada. The Chaos Forces were wiped out as the Dusk Legion Battle Barge Storm’s Visage fired its main cannon upon the chaos fleet. The Chaos Crusade was ended in its tracks.

The Dusk Legion victorious and they successfully allowed an alliance between the Imperium and Drancorian empire to begin. The Drancorian Council then took Asherian’s offer for protection. Giving the chapter permission to use their empire for whatever they wished. The Dusk Legion having found a new home accepted the terms. And built their fortress Monestary in the Core System of Dranis. Taking the world of Dranco as their fortress.
One Hundred Years later The Inquisition arrived at the Chapter homeworld. Wishing to speak to Asherian. Asherian then agreed to a secret parely to the Inquisition. The Inquisition having seen the Dusk Legion only 160 years ago. They told Asherian that they had use of his chapter’s companies. Seeing that they had fought a war by themselves. Asherian was then told that his chapter could exceed the amount of 3,000. Asherian agreed to the terms. His chapter’s most elite would forever serve the Inquisition later to be known as the Alpha Squadron. This at that moment’s task was something more sinister.

Asherian was then taken by the Grey Knights. The Dusk Legionaries believed that he had disappeared. No one knows what became of him. But his chapter after his Disappearance the chapter reforged itself into the Storm Crusaders. Forever sentenced to crusade against the enemies of the Imperium and to destroy any and all warp tainted beings within the Imperium. Or any Astartes chapter that was renegade. They would become chapter hunters. Destroying entire chapters, that proved to be traitors in the eyes of the holy Inqusition. The Dusk Legion took the name of the Storm Crusaders, from the Storm’s Visage, and the loyal crew of the Crusader Spirit (Who had suffered a fate worse than death). And then taking the colors of Asherian’s Personnel Heraldry.
This war would later been named the Crusade of Asherian.

(Theres some bad ilk for ya!)

Matt Ward, is that you?

Kind Regards,
Vladsimpaler