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Greetings,

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Dear anonymous stop spamming mine golden throne.That manhood offer seems good,I'll order 3 packs of it and I want full version free and if you don't do that my inquisitor will visit you.

From the,
Space Emperor.

Dear Space Emperor

Why should we be happy for our 18 hours of work each day.The cardinals says that our decades of back-breaking work should be welcomed among us,but I think that if he worked like he too would wish better life.Please don't sent anything that will harm or imprison me in anyway.

Best Regards,
Tih

Dear Space Emperor

Why should we be happy for our 18 hours of work each day.The cardinals says that our decades of back-breaking work should be welcomed among us,but I think that if he worked like he too would wish better life.Please don't sent anything that will harm or imprison me in anyway.

Best Regards,
Tih

OK, look it's complicated and you may not understand cause I know the kind of crap education we give you guys. But here's the deal, we (humans that is) are pretty much @#$%ed. That's all there is to it.

The Orks breed faster and all of them are warriors. Nids are eating our planets. Our kids are growing up to be mutants and psykers and space demons are coming to eat our souls.

I'm kind of shocked we lasted this long.

And the only reason we lasted this long, the only reason we're still around while the Space Elfs are dying off and the Squats are long gone is because we're fighting for it. Every last one of us.

So yeah, you're working 18 hours a day (by the way we're going up to 20 hour shifts next month, sorry about that), breathing polluted air and your kids will have it even rougher. Guardsman are dying by the gazillion, and I'm strapped to a golden life support machine and can never know the sweet release of death. But you know what the option is? We all die and space demons eat our immortal souls.

So you know what, we're going to keep fighting, we're not going to sit back and accept our doom like some Space Elf, if the Orks or the Bugs or the Space Demons want us, they're going to have fight us to the bitter end.

Wish I could give you a nicer answer but there you go.

Yours in unending agony
Teh

------------------------------------------
Dear Teh Mighty Master of Mankind,

My son Jimmy just turned 14 and I'm getting worried about him. First off his attitude is changing, he won't go to bed on time, he won't clean his room, and he's become insolent.

Second off his interests are changing, he no longer paints his Warhammer 2k figures (he has a Ground Marine army and a Drug Pusher army half-painted) or listens to hymns.

Instead he listens to Twist Pound music and under his mattress I found a magazine where young women exposed their ankles and forearms in most unseemly ways.

Finally his appearance is changing, he's grown quite tall, almost taller than me, his face is covered in hideous marks, and his voice often cracks.

So I must ask, is my darling son becoming some sort of...

Chaos fiend?

What should I do?

Sincerely,
Mother on Mercury

Kid_Kyoto wrote:Dear Teh Mighty Master of Mankind,

My son Jimmy just turned 14 and I'm getting worried about him. First off his attitude is changing, he won't go to bed on time, he won't clean his room, and he's become insolent.

Second off his interests are changing, he no longer paints his Warhammer 2k figures (he has a Ground Marine army and a Drug Pusher army half-painted) or listens to hymns.

Instead he listens to Twist Pound music and under his mattress I found a magazine where young women exposed their ankles and forearms in most unseemly ways.

Finally his appearance is changing, he's grown quite tall, almost taller than me, his face is covered in hideous marks, and his voice often cracks.

So I must ask, is my darling son becoming some sort of...

Chaos fiend?

What should I do?

Sincerely,
Mother on Mercury

Dear Womb-Citizen,

A Chaos fiend? [manly Spehss Empra laugh] Why heavens no! The lad has just achieved that special age when he's finally ready for Imperial Guard service. Ah, yes, it is a wonderful time in a young man's life. The world really comes alive. The thrill of your first lho stick or cheroot and the bittersweet twenty five lashes you pay for it. The thunderous cacophony of the drill sergeant's multitudinous insults (most of which will be about you, madame, and will make the lad miss you sorely). Suddenly, there seem to be ankles and forearms everywhere, I can tell you, but that's just a bit of natural and healthy experimentation that goes along with barracks life. As for Twist Pound, there will be plenty of that indeed! The twist of the rifle through the air in parade formation and the pound of a million booted feet marching through the broad, proud Mercurian avenues of Hermes Primus. A maternal tear will well up in your eye as your fine, strapping young son goes off to annihilate the enemies of Mankind. And you, dear mother of a soldier, must once again allow the seed of humanity's future to grow within you. For only thus can the Imperium survive.

Inspirationally,

IMPERATOR OMNIPOTENS

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Father,

We simply must clear up the feud as I cannot take it any longer. I know Russ is not there, whispering poison in your ear about me, so perhaps for once you will give me a fair hearing out. Practicing sorcery is necessary for the survival of mankind. Just think of how every day life can be improved with the use of magic? Sometimes I wonder if you're not stuck in that Age of Strife mentality. It's the 41st millennium now, Father! Times have changed since Old Night. I hope you have thought about this since Horus swung by to chat. I know it's been ages since I've visited but I thought things were too tense. Please let's try and work everything out.

Always your son,

Magnus

Sent from my BlackCrusadeBerry

Father,

We simply must clear up the feud as I cannot take it any longer. I know Russ is not there, whispering poison in your ear about me, so perhaps for once you will give me a fair hearing out. Practicing sorcery is necessary for the survival of mankind. Just think of how every day life can be improved with the use of magic? Sometimes I wonder if you're not stuck in that Age of Strife mentality. It's the 41st millennium now, Father! Times have changed since Old Night. I hope you have thought about this since Horus swung by to chat. I know it's been ages since I've visited but I thought things were too tense. Please let's try and work everything out.

Always your son,

Magnus

Sent from my BlackCrusadeBerry

Dear red headed stepchild of mine,

your brother Horus had some weird ideas of improvement so I got a bit carried away and sadly lost him.
BTW where is Russ? Thought i was clear when i sent him to meet you and get things sorted.
*note to myself: He got distracted again.Should not attach nice sisters next time. Silent waters are deep....*
* 2nd note: should have the mechs putting a locator on my long haired son. Always strolling somewhere.*
Back to your promise.

Didn't I forbid to use magik? Didn't I?

Stay in your room for the next 10 millenia and write a thousand times a day:
-I shall not think about or use sorcery.
-I shall NOT disturb father when he works on his personal fast pace holiday transport system.

Would offer some coffee and cookies when we met, sadly it seems they've dried up a bit. * looks at dust on the sideboard*

Yours, disappointed
DAD

No magik was involved sending this message. Claiming otherwise results in severe action.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Willing supporter of tasty food,

why did those grey-blue fishys taste so bad? Hoped you'll get this galaxy covered in your fine minions ( BTW those abhumans were a blast of a feast! ) but it seems we overestimated you.
As soon as we ran into them, some rusty ol robots showed up and ruined dinner.

Maybe we shall humbly ask for a receipt ? Are the smelly fishy still good ? Should we use moar spices?
Roasted or cooked?

Confused and hungry

Hivemind

Willing supporter of tasty food,

why did those grey-blue fishys taste so bad? Hoped you'll get this galaxy covered in your fine minions ( BTW those abhumans were a blast of a feast! ) but it seems we overestimated you.
As soon as we ran into them, some rusty ol robots showed up and ruined dinner.

Maybe we shall humbly ask for a receipt ? Are the smelly fishy still good ? Should we use moar spices?
Roasted or cooked?

Confused and hungry

Hivemind

Geeze, tell me about it. Last week I got this bad bunch of psykers and boy I felt it. Bet you Custodeus were glad you have full face helmets huh? Oh yeah you were.

So you're looking for some good eats huh, well as it happens y'know that big terrifying eye-shaped thing to the Galactic North? I know for a fact that's full of good eats, so why don't you go and send all of your guys there like right now?

Yours in infinite cleverness
Teh Emporer of All of Space (Except that terrifying eye-shaped part)

--------------------------------------
Dear the Space Emporer of Space

Wow! It feels like Kwanzaa just ended and now it's already Luther's Day. The day when we celebrate the life of Luther who reformed the Church, ended segregation and defeated the alien warlord Kal of Krypton.

Hail Luther!

What should we do to best remember the great Luther?

Signed
Luther Lover on Lexington

What should we do to best remember the great Luther?

You get all friends and people that you know, write "Luther" on their butts and "What's your name?" on their foreheads, and then get drunk till you don't know what their name(and yours) is anymore.
And when you forgot, ask them what their name is...and they'll show you 'The badge'. Thus, Luther will never be forgotten.



Teh Spehss Emporeh,
I want to become one of your children (i.e. an Emperor's Child as in The Emperor's Children as in Slaanesh worshipper). But the problem is, i have no sense of humour at all and my only pleasure is to play DoW all day with my nerdy friends and masturbate at Rowboat's picture cause i think he's the most awesome guy of them all (except for Alpharius but no one has a picture of him). Besides, I do not like Chaos and i kick arse in DoW with your guys the Spehss Mehreens. What should I do to be one of your Children? Thank you in advance

hmmm, ill probably regret this but, yes, join chaos, there losing troops and we need a decent enemy.

oh and btw, GET off your FAT DoW PLAYING ASS AND STOP GETTING FREINDLY WITH ROWBOAT'S PIC
I mean SERIOSLY! YOU SLAANESHI TRANZ!

empraH of the FOOD STASH!

Dear the sphess empraror

I AM VERY ANNOYED! I WANT THIS WEEKS PAY, PLUS EXTRER FOR KILLING THAT CARNIFEX. IT WAS BLOODY HARD! MMMK!

Thank you and have a nice day! : )

ANGRY! wrote: Dear the sphess empraror

I AM VERY ANNOYED! I WANT THIS WEEKS PAY, PLUS EXTRER FOR KILLING THAT CARNIFEX. IT WAS BLOODY HARD! MMMK!

Thank you and have a nice day! : )

Dear minion,

I, your Overliege and mighty SPHESS EMPRAROR, have heard your cry. And behold, while the feat you performed, namely the slaying of said Carnifex Maximex, is indeed noteworthy and fruitful, the manner in which the beast was dispatched leaves much 2 B desired, for indeed the Chief Inquisitor of your sector has informed me that the beast was slain by an act of abominable rape. Therefore, and for your bodacious Carnirape, I grant you the wages of a Carnirapist: the spanking of your bum-bum.

THE EMPORAH HAS SPOKEN!



Dear Spess Emprahr

Why my gillfliend no make time 4 me?!!! Me give her hugz + mwahmwah mwah but still no phone call. Unbelievable! Advice, plees.

Orky-Kowboy wrote:
Dear Spess Emprahr

Why my gillfliend no make time 4 me?!!! Me give her hugz + mwahmwah mwah but still no phone call. Unbelievable! Advice, plees.

omg its horus back from the grave

from the spesss emperor


dear Dad

I haven't seen you in a very long time.
Do you think we could meet up and discuss the Calgar problem?

yours faithfully
Vulkan
unto the anvil of war
unto the fire of battle

Vulkan_He'stan wrote:


dear Dad

I haven't seen you in a very long time.
Do you think we could meet up and discuss the Calgar problem?

yours faithfully
Vulkan
unto the anvil of war
unto the fire of battle

I haven't talked to him since I divorced Carol, my mail order bride from Valhalla. As it turned out, Carol was actually a Carl and I'm liek the immortal space emeror. I can't be gay. Calgar was all liek "Why did you divorce her! She was nice to me! I hate you!" and I was all liek, "wow, you're not actually my son you know. You can leave my house any time you want." Anyway, he left and I just didn't have the heart to tell him the truth of the matter.
Plus that lying little would totally tell all the space marines I'm gay!

Yours truly,
the totally NOT homosexual space emperor of mankind,
the immortal space emperor.

Dear most wise and hallowed space Emperor,

My best friend keeps claiming to be both the bigest AND the strongest. I'll concede that he is obviosly bigger, but I refuse agree with him that size and strenth are directly proportional in every instance. Every time I make this point, he threatens to crump me like the little git I supposedly am. He's keeps antagonizing me and always trys to escalate our dispute into an out and out deathmatch. He's always angry--it's so bad that his face is constantly green. I fear for my friend's health and hope you can settle our dispute in a peaceful manner to prevent any blood from being spilled. Can you please help me, immortal space emperor? You're my only hope.

Respectfully yours,
Confused Guardsman on Armageddon

CplPunishment wrote:
Dear most wise and hallowed space Emperor,

My best friend keeps claiming to be both the bigest AND the strongest. I'll concede that he is obviosly bigger, but I refuse agree with him that size and strenth are directly proportional in every instance. Every time I make this point, he threatens to crump me like the little git I supposedly am. He's keeps antagonizing me and always trys to escalate our dispute into an out and out deathmatch. He's always angry--it's so bad that his face is constantly green. I fear for my friend's health and hope you can settle our dispute in a peaceful manner to prevent any blood from being spilled. Can you please help me, immortal space emperor? You're my only hope.

Respectfully yours,
Confused Guardsman on Armageddon

Dear Confused,

Seriously? You're asking me for a peaceful solution? When my legs and 90% of my body was crippled by that little backstabber Horus, did I make peace with Chaos? Hell no! I built a mindgun and a throne to keep what was left of my body alive and have been fighting in the warp for aeons. Without any sleep. True, the remaining 10% of my body that I can feel is under almost constant stimulation from the Sisters of Silence (What up ladies!), but that is literally lifetimes of violence. Bigger definitely means better. Did you ever arm wrestle a Spess Marine? 8 feet of bulging muscle beats any guardsman out there. Size is also the main factor in determining if you're packing a lasgun, or a lascannon (What up ladies!).

Once I trade in this gold throne for a rainbow model that is mounted on a unicorn, I'll give you a peaceful solution. That's if I still have enough energy left after this hemp rainbow throne allows me to hug a tree again , or once I'm done smelling the rose bush in a planter in front of my nose. Until then, prove that you're the best! Shoot him in the back of the head while he's asleep. That'll cauterize the wound and prevent any blood from being shed, sissy. If you must use words, tell him he's 'OrK'. This is a little High Terran slang for 'I respect your viewpoint, but disagree with it'. It will be even more effective if you can fake a panic and point at your friend around some competent guardsmen.

The Emprah of Spess (and Ladies)

My lord, my liege, my lifegiver,

We have recently liberated a hive city from the 13th Black Crusade. I know it failed, but try telling that to the Chaos Marines guarding this place! Anyways, most of the survivors were traitors or dead by the time the shooting was over. Unfortunately, they managed to stash their children below the surface. They seem to have become a primitive cult of Emperor worship. They are convinced they can hear you through some xenos shell they call a conk, or conch or something. My dilemma is that they all seem to have colds, or have their faces covered in hideous pustules. Are they faithful to you, or bearers of Nurgle's rot? The Priest can't decide. He told me it takes at least a month after a bonfire of that size for him to smell evil again. Your reply can't get here soon enough. Many of my men are taken with the new conkcentric religion, and the rest of us are low on gas.

May your Throne glisten in golden glory forever,
Colonel Incinatus Hairatics the III

Dear Incited Heretic,

I commend you on your effort and success of cleansing the city of the traitors and the chaos. However, these people ARE indeed a mix of traitors and loyalists. I know, I know, you thought your work was over, but your job is still unfinished. You must continue to purge the hive of its traitorous elements, but I guess that you're wondering how you can sort them and burn the heretics right? Well it easy, just take the conch and look on the bottom for the phrase "Proof of Purchase". If this marking is absent then it is a heretic and they should be made to pay 50 credits and then burned for the fun of it. Once this is done, get yourself and your men conches, but don't use any of the credits you collect from the traitors, that's mine.

Yours in Enterprise
Teh Space Emp.




Dear Holy One,

For some reason my chimera won't work. I tried praying to the machine spirit, "His Emperor's" brand of Duct Tape, WD-40k, hitting it, and then taking it out on a romantic date. To my surprise it still doesn't work, I'm trying to get it to go 88mph, but it only reaches 86mph, is there anything you can recommend?

Martius McFlyus VII.

Dear Holy One,

For some reason my chimera won't work. I tried praying to the machine spirit, "His Emperor's" brand of Duct Tape, WD-40k, hitting it, and then taking it out on a romantic date. To my surprise it still doesn't work, I'm trying to get it to go 88mph, but it only reaches 86mph, is there anything you can recommend?

Martius McFlyus VII.

Dear Marty,
Don't tell anybody I said this, but...... paint it red. Don't ask me how, or why, and certainly don't let your commissar know about it, but it will work. Trust me.


Dear holy one,
I moved into a new hab block recently, but there have been some strange things going on in my new digs. I keep waking up around 3am Terran Standard Time, and hearing "Catch them. Kill them." coming from my air recycler. Then I caught my son sleepwalking with my old guard issue shotgun, locked and loaded. What exactly is going on?

Damn beaten to it.

Dear holy one,
I moved into a new hab block recently, but there have been some strange things going on in my new digs. I keep waking up around 3am Terran Standard Time, and hearing "Catch them. Kill them." coming from my air recycler. Then I caught my son sleepwalking with my old guard issue shotgun, locked and loaded. What exactly is going on?

Oh that, that's just a feature of Hive World Amity. Y'see we build the Hab Blocks on an old Space Indian Burial Ground, and then a cult did some demonic rituals there and then these orphans were murdered and then this chick committed suicide out of unrequited love and... Yeah. Basically keep the guns and ammo and knives and blunt objects locked up, perform your weekly exorcism and never say Candyman 3x in a row and you'll be fine.

Mostly.

Cheers!
E

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Most Glorious Bloodfather:

Greetings!

Thank you for our most illuminating meeting last month, I too agree it is high time we had a full codex for our most glorious chapter may properly bring glory to your glorious name. GLORY!

After the meeting me and the boys were talking a bit and had some ideas, you don't have to take them but hear them out, I think they could work.

Now Corry (REF: SANGIUNE PRIEST CORBULO) he was saying that like a land raider with a crapton of assault cannons is good, but what if like, it could FLY? That would be STUPIDAWESOME! And if we could assault out of it... well now you're cooking with gas! So how about it, a flying landraider with assault ramps and a crapton of assault cannons?

And Mel (REF: Chief Librarian Mephiston, Lord of Death) he was thinking too. You know how we have zombie space marines, and werewolf space marines, and Creature from the Black Lagoon space marines, and of course the Vampire Space Marines. But what's missing? You got it! Frankenstein's Monster space marines! We don't have Frankenstein space marines! I know what you're going to say, they're awesome and we need them. But if we stop to make Codex Frankenstein's Monster Space Marines then the Nerds on the Internet will get all huffy and have nerdrage.

BUT! BUT what if we include Frankenstein's Monster Space Marines in our Codex? They everyone is happy!

Lastly Ty (REF: Company Captain Tycho) he has just 2 words for you, THUNDER BATS!

So think about it and let me know! I'm just so excited!

Sincerely
Big D (REF: Chapter Master Dante)

MMost Glorious Bloodfather:

Greetings!

Thank you for our most illuminating meeting last month, I too agree it is high time we had a full codex for our most glorious chapter may properly bring glory to your glorious name. GLORY!

After the meeting me and the boys were talking a bit and had some ideas, you don't have to take them but hear them out, I think they could work.

Now Corry (REF: SANGIUNE PRIEST CORBULO) he was saying that like a land raider with a crapton of assault cannons is good, but what if like, it could FLY? That would be STUPIDAWESOME! And if we could assault out of it... well now you're cooking with gas! So how about it, a flying landraider with assault ramps and a crapton of assault cannons?

And Mel (REF: Chief Librarian Mephiston, Lord of Death) he was thinking too. You know how we have zombie space marines, and werewolf space marines, and Creature from the Black Lagoon space marines, and of course the Vampire Space Marines. But what's missing? You got it! Frankenstein's Monster space marines! We don't have Frankenstein space marines! I know what you're going to say, they're awesome and we need them. But if we stop to make Codex Frankenstein's Monster Space Marines then the Nerds on the Internet will get all huffy and have nerdrage.

BUT! BUT what if we include Frankenstein's Monster Space Marines in our Codex? They everyone is happy!

Lastly Ty (REF: Company Captain Tycho) he has just 2 words for you, THUNDER BATS!

So think about it and let me know! I'm just so excited!

Sincerely
Big D (REF: Chapter Master Dante)

Dear Dante,
Why are you referring your battle brothers with acronyms,you are an example to them,you are space marine grandpa,Tycho is dead so how can he speak,this new codex is exciting,but no land raider can't fly,Nurgle has it's Frankestein'a marines so you don't need them,of you make them I will use my BIG E hammer against to you and how it's going with your chapter's black rage,I heard that those death guys are good.

Best wishes,
The Space Emperor
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Dear Space Emperor
What do you think of my preaching of cold logic and science to my hive,I discovered those OMFG scripts and they have revealed my true purpose,to free humanity from your worship(we still respect you as our ruler and as best human ever) and insert innovation into Adeptus Mechanicus.We respect you because you ruled ancient Terra under the name of Chuck Norris.
Yours everyday,
Tih

IvanTih wrote:
Dear Space Emperor
What do you think of my preaching of cold logic and science to my hive,I discovered those OMFG scripts and they have revealed my true purpose,to free humanity from your worship(we still respect you as our ruler and as best human ever) and insert innovation into Adeptus Mechanicus.We respect you because you ruled ancient Terra under the name of Chuck Norris.
Yours everyday,
Tih

Dear, confused Tih

Free humanity from my worship? Good luck, every one of the Chaos powers have been trying that one for millennia. Clearly you have not been paying attention to my 'Codex' chapters recently. The Adeptus Mechanicus has released a new landspeeder, a new Landraider, and a new drop pod. I, the Omnissiah, have blessed my chapters with nearly double the available number of vehicles. Next, let's talk about your pronoun use. We is intended to apply to more than one individual. You are only one human, more or less. I expect less personally, this note reads like the squeaking of a ratling. You seem to have a great love of ancient history and mythology. As you no doubt are aware, I am very interested in old religions and improved knowledge of the time before me, known as the Dark Age. I would like for you to be part of my effort to enlighten my subjects. My Inquisitors will be arriving shortly to interrogate you and your cohorts, then turn you into the archival servo-hands, where your whole awareness will be in saving the place of one of my scribes. Your hand will itch, and you won't be able to reach it. Oh, and as a precaution against future heresy- I'm removing your finger. You know the one.

Sincerely,
His holee Emprah of Spess




Beloved Emperor,
I, Rogue Trader Palin, hav discovered a new planet of extremely well armed humanoids. They seem to be unusually large for humans, though they are smaller than Ogryns. They share many tendencies with Orks, including a marked tendency to put horns on their ground vehicles' hoods. Every citizen seems to carry 3 or 4 slug throwers about their person, and every vehicle has a rack for a shotgun. They seem to have an economy based upon promethium and ambull farming. Strangely, they showed no desire to join the Imperium. How should I respond?

*adorable wink* Looking forward to your reply,
Big E.

Beloved Emperor,
I, Rogue Trader Palin, hav discovered a new planet of extremely well armed humanoids. They seem to be unusually large for humans, though they are smaller than Ogryns. They share many tendencies with Orks, including a marked tendency to put horns on their ground vehicles' hoods. Every citizen seems to carry 3 or 4 slug throwers about their person, and every vehicle has a rack for a shotgun. They seem to have an economy based upon promethium and ambull farming. Strangely, they showed no desire to join the Imperium. How should I respond?

*adorable wink* Looking forward to your reply,
Big E.


Dear Big E.

Go to your nearest Inquisitor and ask him what to do. I'm busy fighting Chaos from taking over this pathetic galaxy! Seriously! All you sad little humans constantly beg me to solve all your problems. "Save us from the tyranids!" "Destroy Chaos once and for all!" "Stop the wars on Armageddon and Valhalla!"
Seriously people! I need a break from all this! Either shut up and ask someone else to fix your lousy issues in life, or I will quit fighting the Warp RIGHT NOW and let all these little pesky daemons feast on your souls!

Love,
The Space Emperor


Dear Space Emprah,

My daddy said I was old enough to go join the Space Marines now. Which chapter should I join? I don't wanna join the ULtrasmurfs, I mean ultramarines, cuz they are just too boring. And the space puppies, I mean space wolves, they just seem way too mean to people like me. So, I can life a rock with my mind. What's the big deal? And please don't eat me, Mr. Emprah. I want to serve you, but not by being eaten
So what chapter should I join?

Little psyker boy

Dear Space Emprah,

My daddy said I was old enough to go join the Space Marines now. Which chapter should I join? I don't wanna join the ULtrasmurfs, I mean ultramarines, cuz they are just too boring. And the space puppies, I mean space wolves, they just seem way too mean to people like me. So, I can life a rock with my mind. What's the big deal? And please don't eat me, Mr. Emprah. I want to serve you, but not by being eaten
So what chapter should I join?

Little psyker boy

I can tell you love me very much, with every part of your body, even your pee-pee. So you should look at the Black Space Marines because they love me very much. But they don't like psykers. So I guess I'll have to eat you after all. Please slather yourself with BBQ sauce and report to the nearest Inquisition office.

Hungry, Hungry, Emperor
----------------------------------------------------------
Dear Space Emperor in Chief:

I didn't say anything when a Black Templar Barracus was chosen as warmaster even though when I was a scout his kind knew their place.

I didn't say anything when he tried to give medkits to guardsmen even though this is clearly Space Communism.

But now he's gone too far!

Warmaster Barracus wants to repeal the 'Hardly Ever Torture, Hardly Ever Confess' policy and allow heteros to serve openly in the Space Marines!

Now I'm no heterophobe, but when I unite my warrior essence with a Battle Brother I want to know he feels the same love and devotion I do.

I want to know that when scouts are called in to polish the Chaplain's Rod that their hearts are in it, that they are not dreaming of some weak-limbed female barely able to lift a chainsword!

You must do something before Barracus ruins the Space Marines!

Sincerely
Chaplain Cassius
On Ultramar

Cassius,

Are you talking about Vulkan B'rak, the newly elected Chapter Master of the Salamanders? I love that guy. There were a lot of reports from some heretic named Palin who dubbed herself a "Rogue Trader." Turns out she was nothing but an ork and is now off trying to start a Waaaagh! because she's jealous that the Salamanders look better in green than her. (I almost had Commissar McCain shoot himself for falling for her dupe, but the man is basically dead as it is.) Anyway, before you go ragging on B'rak ask yourself whether or not humanity might be better off actually enjoying the protection of the Space Marines, even including fair access to medkits. Warp take you, there's no reason why the poorest guardsman can't see a field medic when you fat cat Marines have the best Apothecaries aptus non planetary economies can buy. Sometimes I think I'm the only one who remembers the values of the Forefather--me--fought for in the Great Crusade. As to your backward take on sexual orientation--oh puh-lease! Everyone knows the Ultramarines are the biggest closet heteros out there. You all join up just to avoid having to talk to girls.

Nearly dead but better informed than a certain chaplain,

IMPERATOR OMNIPOTENS

Dear Boss,

It's been snowing here on Cadia for days now. I can't even get my baneblade out of the motor pool to head into the office. I wouldn't complain about one day away from work but the lost hours are going to start cutting into my War Machine miniatures budget given that I refinanced my Reaver Titan in the 990sM41. Any chance you could help me out?

Outflanking the 40k world from within it? But that would take some kind of tactical gen--,

CREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEED

Dear Boss,

It's been snowing here on Cadia for days now. I can't even get my baneblade out of the motor pool to head into the office. I wouldn't complain about one day away from work but the lost hours are going to start cutting into my War Machine miniatures budget given that I refinanced my Reaver Titan in the 990sM41. Any chance you could help me out?

Outflanking the 40k world from within it? But that would take some kind of tactical gen--,

CREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEED

This message was edited 3 times. Last update was at Feb/08/2010 20:42:58

Dear Mr. E

Tell me about it! I was stuck here for 3 days with nothing to do but talk to the Zombified Corpse of Malcador the Sigillite. I mean he's an interesting guy and stuff but how long can I hear about his love of model railroads?

Lemme tell ya, the Al Gore guy and his Galactic Warming, I'm fricking sending the Space Wolfs to kick his butt.

Teh Space Emporer of Space

------------------------------------------------------------------
My beloved!

How could you do this to me? After all we shared, those long nights, those gentle whispers, those cheese omlettes for breakfast, I can't believe you would do this to me!

I mean we both knew it would be hard having a long-distance relationship but you have your work and I have mine and we promised to keep in touch.

But what happens when I called for St. Lovinkiss Day?

SHE ANSWERS!

You know who I mean, that aneorexic harpy St Celestine, Heiromartyr of the Palantine Crusade! Oh sure she said she just stopped over to borrow some sugar but we know what that's code for don't we!

They were all lies weren't they? All those promises of a new codex, flying land raiders and Thunder Bats. Just lies. I should have known. YOu never loved us. That's why we never got a real codex to call our own. Just half codexes and mini-dexs and PDFs. I'm too old for this crap.

Horus was right wasn't he? I bet the Eye would be glad to have us!

Yours no longer
Chapter Master Dante
Blood Angels

My beloved!

How could you do this to me? After all we shared, those long nights, those gentle whispers, those cheese omlettes for breakfast, I can't believe you would do this to me!

I mean we both knew it would be hard having a long-distance relationship but you have your work and I have mine and we promised to keep in touch.

But what happens when I called for St. Lovinkiss Day?

SHE ANSWERS!

You know who I mean, that aneorexic harpy St Celestine, Heiromartyr of the Palantine Crusade! Oh sure she said she just stopped over to borrow some sugar but we know what that's code for don't we!

They were all lies weren't they? All those promises of a new codex, flying land raiders and Thunder Bats. Just lies. I should have known. YOu never loved us. That's why we never got a real codex to call our own. Just half codexes and mini-dexs and PDFs. I'm too old for this crap.

Horus was right wasn't he? I bet the Eye would be glad to have us!

Yours no longer
Chapter Master Dante
Blood Angels

Dear sweet Dante,

I am shocked--shocked, I tell you--at how desperate a certain wing-ed Sororita can be. Not only did she break into my palace, crease several pages in the latest issue of my favorite magazine (No Quarter, in case you were wondering), and steal at least three pairs of my Golden Boxers BUT she even had the nerve to change my answering machine message. You must have called while she was trying to placate the archeotech's machine spirit. The psycho had the thing saying that I couldn't come to the vox because I had whisked her away for a weekend on the garden worlds of Ultramar. Dante, you've been to the palace many times. You know I'm in no position to whisk anybody anywhere. And, I mean, even if I could, Ultramar? Really?

The whole thing is my own fault, I freely admit. After being couped up in the palace for three weekends thanks to all the snow(warp)storms, I gave the poor Custodes a day off. I thought, what's one day in ten thousand years? What could go wrong? But I've suffered for my carelessness. As you know, Dante, I am completely imobile. Conscious, of course, but unable to move whatsoever. That means that I had to endure her schizophrenic ravings about "us" and "where our relationship is going" for the entire day. I did consider evaporating her from the face of the universe WITH MY MIND but I don't want to set a bad example for Magnus. By the way, what are you talking about "Horus was right wasn't he?" Right about what? And while we're on that subject, have you seen him around lately? For a favorite son, he hardly bothers to visit his dear old dad these days. And Sanguinius, too. He can surely put the hairbrush down for a few moments to come and chit chat. Ah well, that's young people for you.

And to assuage your fears about the future of your Codex, my boy, let me show you what Adeptus Advertisium has been cooking up, although I'd be surprised if you hadn't seen it already. You know how things get leaked over the webway.



Well, I hope you like it. They tell me that vampires are what all the young hivers are going crazy over these days so I think it will be an effective campaign. But for your insolence, I'm taking out the Thunderbats. You just think of those Thunderbats the next time you decide to sass me.

Firm but fair,

IMPERATOR OMNIPOTENS

+ + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + +


Almighty Liege,

As you foresaw, the Space Marine Winter Olympics were a resounding success. Not knowing whether your Divine Majesty had the leisure to follow the games personally, we are supplying a selection of highlights. The Space Wolves rounded out their usual golds in the various drinking-related events (namely, hockey), although many citizens are openly speculating that this is only because the World Eaters and Death Guard are no longer allowed to participate. These dissidents are being ruthlessly purged from the ranks of the faithful as a matter of course. The gold in short track speed skating was another sure thing, nabbed once again by the White Scars. More hotly contested was the gold in curling. The Iron Hands are the traditional favorites for this faintly ridiculous sport but were toppled this time by the Raven Guard. Unfortunately, these Chapters are even less popular than curling itself so the upset was lost on most spectators. Couples figure skating saw another, although much more widely followed, tense rivalry. While no one could deny the passion of the Blood Angels--a truly heartfelt performance by Mephiston and Corbulo--the gold medal went to the Dark Angels. When it comes to grace and precision not to mention a certain natural chemistry, Sammael and Belial remain unmatched. As you commanded, all other gold and silver medals went by default to the Ultramarines while all bronze medals were awarded to the Imperial Fists.

We trust You are well please, mighty Emperor of Mankind. But we submit ourselves to Your commentary and appraisal of the games.

Your servants,

The Imperial Commission for the MMDX Space Marine Winter Olympics

Manchu wrote:Almighty Liege,

As you foresaw, the Space Marine Winter Olympics were a resounding success. Not knowing whether your Divine Majesty had the leisure to follow the games personally, we are supplying a selection of highlights. The Space Wolves rounded out their usual golds in the various drinking-related events (namely, hockey), although many citizens are openly speculating that this is only because the World Eaters and Death Guard are no longer allowed to participate. These dissidents are being ruthlessly purged from the ranks of the faithful as a matter of course. The gold in short track speed skating was another sure thing, nabbed once again by the White Scars. More hotly contested was the gold in curling. The Iron Hands are the traditional favorites for this faintly ridiculous sport but were toppled this time by the Raven Guard. Unfortunately, these Chapters are even less popular than curling itself so the upset was lost on most spectators. Couples figure skating saw another, although much more widely followed, tense rivalry. While no one could deny the passion of the Blood Angels--a truly heartfelt performance by Mephiston and Corbulo--the gold medal went to the Dark Angels. When it comes to grace and precision not to mention a certain natural chemistry, Sammael and Belial remain unmatched. As you commanded, all other gold and silver medals went by default to the Ultramarines while all bronze medals were awarded to the Imperial Fists.

We trust You are well please, mighty Emperor of Mankind. But we submit ourselves to Your commentary and appraisal of the games.

Your servants,

The Imperial Commission for the MMDX Space Marine Winter Olympics

Dear Imperial Commission for the MMDX Space Marines Winter Olympics,

I found myself taking extra shifts at "McEmperor's" and didn't remember that they were being held. Although I remember meeting Russ just after the Closing Ceremonies. He was saying something, although I didn't really understand what he was saying. You know how he is, I just didn't have the heart to tell him I could understand his drunken slurr, so I politely nodded, and said "I told you that sister was crazy" as normally done. After a while, he handed me a previously used needly, and his tone sounded almost full of pride. Well, more than normal for Leman anyway. Said something about Black Templars, and swung his fist through the air and ---

Wait, did you just say "As you commanded, all other gold and silver medals went by default to the Ultramarines"? Who gave you that command? I know I would never do such a thing. Did Roboute tell you that? Ever since he wrote that book, he's thought he was the voice of the Emperor. Ohh well, now that they're over we can stop pretending to care about winter sports.

The Emperor of Mankind.

-------------------------------

To The Emperor!

I was wondering if you could explain this


This guy claims to be you, he even wear Golden Armour and has a David Bowie obsession just like you. Is he you?

Your buddy Firion.
P.S. I want my copy of FF2 back!

Drk_Oblitr8r wrote:

To The Emperor!

I was wondering if you could explain this


This guy claims to be you, he even wear Golden Armour and has a David Bowie obsession just like you. Is he you?

Your buddy Firion.
P.S. I want my copy of FF2 back!

Oh my me! Where did you find my yearbook picture! Oh embarassing, I mean I know it was the 10,000s and that's what we were all wearing back then but really... Boy would my face be red if there was any skin left on it!

Hey Zombified Corpse of Malcador the Sigillite, take a look at this, can you believe I used to look like that?

PAAAAAAINS!

Huh, you said it old buddy. Thanks for the laugh.

E

PS I don't have your copy of the Fiend Folio 2, check with Rogal hey was always going on and on about his 35th level paladin.

-------------------------------------------------

Hey man, long time reader, first time writer...

So the other day my and my buddies were eating an entire Grand Company of Iron Warriors and their 600 Defilers when all of the sudden some internet nerd comes by and says we can't deepstrike under a unit. I'm all like 'dude that's like my thing!' and he's like we have to deep strike NEXT TO the unit and hope we scatter. And I'm all like then it will take forever to eat these 600 Defilers but the Internet Nerd was very insistant.

So what do you think?

Love Malock the Tyranid

Hey man, long time reader, first time writer...

So the other day my and my buddies were eating an entire Grand Company of Iron Warriors and their 600 Defilers when all of the sudden some internet nerd comes by and says we can't deepstrike under a unit. I'm all like 'dude that's like my thing!' and he's like we have to deep strike NEXT TO the unit and hope we scatter. And I'm all like then it will take forever to eat these 600 Defilers but the Internet Nerd was very insistant.

So what do you think?

Love Malock the Tyranid

Hey there Malock.
First things first, nice job on eating those Iron Warriors. Crunchy on the outside, Chewy on the inside, amirite?
All I can say is that deepstriking beside the target never satisfied nobody. I say just burrow under Internet Nerd's house and make like he's a defiler. But, you know, a squishy one. Not one of those big chaos spidery things. Those things give me nightmares (and indigestion, amirite?).

That should solve everything.

THE EMPORER

P.S. Sorry for saying amirite so much, but I guess that's what mellenia of sitting in the same place with only a 56k modem will do to you.

Amirite or amirite?

To: Teh Space Emp
Subject: THEY CAN'T DO THAT!

Those bloody orks crushed my rhino! That was a vintage rhino, which my dad got back in M33! I'd been restoring it, and I had just ordered a book on how to restore the original chrome track-guards when out of nowhere this huge thing runs it over with a big spiked steamroller bit on the front of a tank! I stopped the driver and patiently explained how he wasn't allowed to do that. Everyone knows that you ram it with the front of the tank, not with a big spiked roller thingy. It's how we've always done it. The big spiky roll-y bit always manages to somehow miss the vehicle! Then the ugly brute just showed me a piece of paper he called a 'roit proppa f ', or something to that effect.
What I want to know is who are these "GW" people and why are they giving orks these so-called f permits to run over my RHINO!

Anxious Admech

To: Teh Space Emp
Subject: THEY CAN'T DO THAT!

Those bloody orks crushed my rhino! That was a vintage rhino, which my dad got back in M33! I'd been restoring it, and I had just ordered a book on how to restore the original chrome track-guards when out of nowhere this huge thing runs it over with a big spiked steamroller bit on the front of a tank! I stopped the driver and patiently explained how he wasn't allowed to do that. Everyone knows that you ram it with the front of the tank, not with a big spiked roller thingy. It's how we've always done it. The big spiky roll-y bit always manages to somehow miss the vehicle! Then the ugly brute just showed me a piece of paper he called a 'roit proppa f ', or something to that effect.
What I want to know is who are these "GW" people and why are they giving orks these so-called f permits to run over my RHINO!

Anxious Admech

I know the kind of heartbreak that is. Like this one time I was resorting a MkI landraider, y'know those classic ones with the wrap around tracks and all that, gorgeous machine, can't get them anymore, only those crappy MkIIIs that look like the APC from aliens had a baby with a WWI tanks. Anyway there I am restoring the engine, told everyone not to bug me, and then out of no where Horus' brat kid, wasshisname Adam Bomb or something, busts in and blows it up! I was all like WHAT THE ME? So I teleported up to Horus' battle barge and gave him a stern talking to. I think I might have been a bit harsh now that I think about it, haven't seen him since.

Anyway, ramming, ramming, didn't I say something ramming? Lemme check... rummage, rummage... yeah here it is!

'Tis the dawn of the 3rd age of mankind, a new age where there will be no more range modifiers, no more different stats for chainswords, no more ramming and no more squats'.

So there you go, I got rid of ramming 2 or 3 editions ago. Why if I brought back ramming I'd have to bring back the squats too!

So there you go
The Emp

-------------------------------------------------------
Dear my most beloved Emperor:

I fear I am going mad!

Yesterday Dan (REF: CHAPTER MASTER DANTE) called a meeting about people eating sandwiches in the Fortress Monastery Fridge even though they clearly said 'Dan' (REF: CHAPTER MASTER DANTE) on them. That's not the crazy part though. The crazy part is halfway through this 10' angel made of SOLID GOLD shows up and says sorry he's late. Now I've been with the Chapter for like a 1000 years and I'm sure I'd remember if we had a 10' tall angel made of SOLID GOLD am a right? So I ask Corry (REF: SANGIUNE PRIEST CORBULO) and he say's the guy is named Stan-something and looks at me like I'm nuts.

Then later I'm in a budget meeting and this Frankenstein Monster guy comes in. I asked Mel (REF: CHIEF LIBRARIAN MEPHISTON, LORD OF DEATH) and he looked at me like I was nuts. Now don't get me wrong, that Frankenstein's Monster guy is a sharp cookie, he's going to save us $100 a month on copy paper but you'd think I would have seen him around before.

And now-

wwwhhhooossshhh!
BAM!

Holy @#$%! An Emperor-Damned land raider just fell out of the sky and almost squished me!

What @#$% is going on here?

Sincerely
Ty (REF: CAPTAIN TYCHO)

PS - aren't I dead or something?

Dear my most beloved Emperor:

I fear I am going mad!

Yesterday Dan (REF: CHAPTER MASTER DANTE) called a meeting about people eating sandwiches in the Fortress Monastery Fridge even though they clearly said 'Dan' (REF: CHAPTER MASTER DANTE) on them. That's not the crazy part though. The crazy part is halfway through this 10' angel made of SOLID GOLD shows up and says sorry he's late. Now I've been with the Chapter for like a 1000 years and I'm sure I'd remember if we had a 10' tall angel made of SOLID GOLD am a right? So I ask Corry (REF: SANGIUNE PRIEST CORBULO) and he say's the guy is named Stan-something and looks at me like I'm nuts.

Then later I'm in a budget meeting and this Frankenstein Monster guy comes in. I asked Mel (REF: CHIEF LIBRARIAN MEPHISTON, LORD OF DEATH) and he looked at me like I was nuts. Now don't get me wrong, that Frankenstein's Monster guy is a sharp cookie, he's going to save us $100 a month on copy paper but you'd think I would have seen him around before.

And now-

wwwhhhooossshhh!
BAM!

Holy @#$%! An Emperor-Damned land raider just fell out of the sky and almost squished me!

What @#$% is going on here?

Sincerely
Ty (REF: CAPTAIN TYCHO)

PS - aren't I dead or something?


Dear Captain Tycho,

I’ll send you a couple of packs of these, then you won’t have any more trouble with people pinching your lunch.



I used to put all my psykers in them but they were dying before I could get to eat them, so now I have them brought in on a continuously moving conveyor belt. It’s hard for people to grab them off.

Yours,

The Emp



Dear Almighty Emporer,

A few weeks ago I was in the middle of a battle with some Orks.

The stupid Greenskins tried to ram me with their laughable battlewagon, equipped with some sort of primitive mine-clearance contraption attached to the front. Naturally it bounced right off my holy side armour like an Eldar shuriken bouncing off a suit of Tactical Dreadnought Armour.

The next day the battle continued and the Orks tried again to ram. This time, their mine roller chewed through my sacred AV14 ceramite like it wasn’t there! I was barely able to get home for repairs.

What is going on?


Technically Yours,

The Machine Spirit
Chapter Space Snarks Land Raider no.10110010101010000001011100100110101100101010001001010000110
Depticon Alpha, the Ghost Stars Sector

Dear Almighty Emporer,

A few weeks ago I was in the middle of a battle with some Orks.

The stupid Greenskins tried to ram me with their laughable battlewagon, equipped with some sort of primitive mine-clearance contraption attached to the front. Naturally it bounced right off my holy side armour like an Eldar shuriken bouncing off a suit of Tactical Dreadnought Armour.

The next day the battle continued and the Orks tried again to ram. This time, their mine roller chewed through my sacred AV14 ceramite like it wasn’t there! I was barely able to get home for repairs.

What is going on?


Technically Yours,

The Machine Spirit
Chapter Space Snarks Land Raider no.10110010101010000001011100100110101100101010001001010000110
Depticon Alpha, the Ghost Stars Sector




Dear The Machine Spirit , Chapter Space Snarks Land Raider no. 10110010101010000001011100100110101100101010001001010000110,

Sometimes I take a look at reality and think it isn’t really as good as it could be. Then I tinker around a bit, click the ‘difficulty switch’ up a notch or so, and generally improve things.

Rest assured that all is for the best, in the best of all possible universes, and it will be even better when the next codex is released.

Yours smugly,


Emp Dood.




Dare ehT Space Emporer,

The other day I was driving my Chimera with the hatch open because it was a hot day. Suddenly a Vespid flew in and it was all buzzing around and getting in my face.

I hate them Vespids, because they sting like hell, but I knew it would be dangerous to swat the bastard while driving so I stopped at the side of the road to get rid of it safely.

Next think I know, some stupid Military Policeman is giving me a fine for stopping in a bus lane!

Please will you fix the ticket for me because I got three points on my track-laying vehicle driver licence.

Yours frustratedly,


A Loyal Tank Driver,
5th N00bian Light Recon.
Hollywood

Kilkrazy wrote:



Dare ehT Space Emporer,

The other day I was driving my Chimera with the hatch open because it was a hot day. Suddenly a Vespid flew in and it was all buzzing around and getting in my face.

I hate them Vespids, because they sting like hell, but I knew it would be dangerous to swat the bastard while driving so I stopped at the side of the road to get rid of it safely.

Next think I know, some stupid Military Policeman is giving me a fine for stopping in a bus lane!

Please will you fix the ticket for me because I got three points on my track-laying vehicle driver licence.

Yours frustratedly,


A Loyal Tank Driver,
5th N00bian Light Recon.
Hollywood

Dear n00b

Well there's your problem right there, I forbid opening the top hatch of the Chimera about a year ago. Instead you should just stick your heads out of some of the 5 fire points (I know it looks like there are six fire points but there aren't, and there never were).

I might still be inclined to help you out but my Emperor Omnicience tells me you were eaten by Tyranids a week ago.\

Your in Mercy
The Emp


+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

My Lord

First I want to say I totaly support the War on Chaos, the Other War on Chaos and the Other, Other War on Chaos even if they all seem to end in ties.

I also want to say I totally support the Ten Child Policy. After all how can we stop the Green Pigs or the Space Bugs unless we have enough guardsmen to fight with?

However I think I forsee a problem. Naturally boys are better than girls since boys have higher upper body strength and don't have coodies. However I think many mothers have been taking Pro-Men drugs to ensure they only have boys. For example in my my sixth son's Youth Guard Regiment (Jimmy, he's in the Fighting 9,383rd you might remember given them your blessing last month) there is only one girl and she's the commissar.

I worry that in a few years our 99 boy to one girl ratio may make it difficult to maintain our population and hope you are working on a solution.

Sincerely
Proud Poppa on Pluto

My Lord

First I want to say I totaly support the War on Chaos, the Other War on Chaos and the Other, Other War on Chaos even if they all seem to end in ties.

I also want to say I totally support the Ten Child Policy. After all how can we stop the Green Pigs or the Space Bugs unless we have enough guardsmen to fight with?

However I think I forsee a problem. Naturally boys are better than girls since boys have higher upper body strength and don't have coodies. However I think many mothers have been taking Pro-Men drugs to ensure they only have boys. For example in my my sixth son's Youth Guard Regiment (Jimmy, he's in the Fighting 9,383rd you might remember given them your blessing last month) there is only one girl and she's the commissar.

I worry that in a few years our 99 boy to one girl ratio may make it difficult to maintain our population and hope you are working on a solution.

Sincerely
Proud Poppa on Pluto

Dear Proud Poppa;

First off, what are you doing still living on Pluto? Real men live on planets.

As to our large population of males, I have a couple of solutions in mind. Let me share my thoughts with you.

1) Test tube babies.
- Upsides include not needing women (they're icky anyway) and never having to buy flowers. Plus, it worked for the Primarchs!
- Downsides: Chaos keeps scattering all test tube babies throughout the Galaxy. On the other hand, if we have enough test tube babies, eventually it'll all even out anyway.

2) Ancient Methods.
I was reading some of my old magazines from back around good old M2, and I discovered that there was a woman who had 8 babies at once. 8! Isn't that crazy? I certainly thought so. Anyways, I was chatting with Slaanesh during one of our endless battles, and he sold me these magic beans. I'm going to give them to some of the women on Terra and see what happens.

In any case, rest assured that we need lots of men to save the galaxy, so it's okay if your son can't get a date. Goodness knows I haven't met a nice girl since that Alicia...

THE SPACE EMPORER.


Dur Spass Emprorereror,

Yer a bunch of weedy gits, and so'z yer mother!

Sinzerrly,
Da fishy emperorerer.

P.S. I'm da real emper... ampor... Boss dude. Me an' my fishmen is gonna wipe the floor with yer unless you kill us all. We'z got lots of dakka!

P.P.S. Dis is really a toe dude and really not da orkz. Orkz is great.