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Dear Captain Cortez of the Crimson Fists,

I was unable to get anything this year because of Massive turrets that surrond the Palace. So if he tried to get in he would be cut down by my Custodes and my army of Sisters of Silence.
But I wish i got something but the damn turrets shot him down over terra. Sorry for killing another.

From Teh Space Emperor

Dear Space Emperor

My Chapter the Storm Crusaders have just Encountered a new Alien Species that say MERP. We are wondering if we should Annihalte Them with our 5,000 Space marines or we should just let them live for being so pathetic.

From Asherian of The Storm Crusaders

Asherian Command wrote:Dear Space Emperor

My Chapter the Storm Crusaders have just Encountered a new Alien Species that say MERP. We are wondering if we should Annihalte Them with our 5,000 Space marines or we should just let them live for being so pathetic.

From Asherian of The Storm Crusaders

Dear Asherian,

What's all this about Storm Crusaders? I don't remember authorizing such a founding. Who's geneseed throbs within you? Five thousand marines, you say? No, no, this isn't ringing any bells at all. I'll send an Inquisitor right over with some questionnaire forms for your chapter master. Moving along: Aliens that play MERP, you say? Are you sure they're not just mutants or abhumans? You know, the type that were separated from humanity too long and evolved into something nasty. I ask because MERP used to be popular on Terra way, way back at the end of the second millennium. Nowadays, people don't read Tolkien at all. And MERP didn't even make a comeback when those movies came out. They were pretty good movies, though. But you have no idea what I'm talking about. Suffice it to say, it is pretty pathetic that they're still playing MERP now that D&D 246,768th Edition has been out for sixteen months. Did you hear they're going to release 246, 768.5 soon? I mean, what a rip off! I just got all the new books finally. Well, anyway, remember your Space Marine motto: "when in doubt point and shout." Go ahead and wipe them from the face of my galaxy. Just keep in mind that you might be next. I really do not remember these Storm Crusaders . . . sounds like something Dorn's boys might call themselves though. It'll come to me, I'm sure.

Rambling on from my Golden Rocking Chair,

Granpappy Empra

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Most Holy Majesty,

I have this terrible feeling that a vast shadow is moving toward us through the warp and will likely breach the borders of the Imperium by mid-Primus. Once it arrives it will consume all things and probably even severely disrupt the recruitment of new Space Wolf marines that you ordered only months ago. Any advice, my liege?

Your slave,

Astropath Thelay Testoy, Adeptus Astra Telepathica

Manchu wrote:
Most Holy Majesty,

I have this terrible feeling that a vast shadow is moving toward us through the warp and will likely breach the borders of the Imperium by mid-Primus. Once it arrives it will consume all things and probably even severely disrupt the recruitment of new Space Wolf marines that you ordered only months ago. Any advice, my liege?

Your slave,

Astropath Thelay Testoy, Adeptus Astra Telepathica

Dear Astropath Thelay Testi's,

Your 'feeling' has been noted, as it only a feeling (and as I'm naive, see Horus Heresy for more details) it will be put aside for the time being. I will send a small navy picket to investigate (much like those that were destroyed during the Babad wars) but I'm sure it's nothing and just the after effect of me eating a bad psyker...

Also, although your concern is appreciated, do not worry about the Space Wolves, they're [genetically modified] man-enough to take care of themselves and we have plenty of plastic sprues stock-piled so new recruits won't be a problem.

Yours Ignoring-until-something-dramatic-happens-ly, The God Emperor.

---------------------------

Dear Mr Emperor Sir,

Ok, so there I was attacking some Purple/Blue Traitor Marines (who oddly enough kept shouting things like "for the emperor!"), sending my men to and fro and ordering Guardsmen to replace those that had just been shot down etcetera etcetera, then after turing round to tell the standard bearer to wave better and be more interesting, I find my frickin' army's dissapeared! I then turn around to 'consult' my command squad and they're gone too!

I just stood there utterly confused, gawping into the distance in total silence (the cricket's dissapeared too!). So anyways, can I have a new army please? I don't know what happened.

Yours confusedly, Lord Commander Omeg On.

Dear Mr Emperor Sir,

Ok, so there I was attacking some Purple/Blue Traitor Marines (who oddly enough kept shouting things like "for the emperor!"), sending my men to and fro and ordering Guardsmen to replace those that had just been shot down etcetera etcetera, then after turing round to tell the standard bearer to wave better and be more interesting, I find my frickin' army's dissapeared! I then turn around to 'consult' my command squad and they're gone too!

I just stood there utterly confused, gawping into the distance in total silence (the cricket's dissapeared too!). So anyways, can I have a new army please? I don't know what happened.

Yours confusedly, Lord Commander Omeg On.

Lord Commander On
3rd shelf from the left, second bedroom.

No at the moment I don't recommend you get a new army. It sounds like the army you have is more than big enough. what you need is for your opponent to get some more loyalist marines. Then he wont have to ask the Adeptus Proxius for Thousand Sons to make up the numbers next time he faces you. Purple and blue, yuck, and they are boring too, just a whole line of empty cans with bolters and the odd sorcerer, frankly I prefered them when they sucked, at least then they just remained collecting dust.
Look , let me lay it on the line for you, again, if you get your opponent to get them before February you will avoid the next economic rescheduling. Remember you can also get free shipping anywhere in the warp if your order them through the Maelstrom.

If you insist on getting a new army be aware that some changes are expected within the holy inquisition. Some departments may have been amalgamated by the time you return and some special equipment will have been standardised. On this regard we have just finished the production line for Icons of the Just and should be able to dole them out like chrasp coupons upon completion of our force rescheduling.

Meanwhile have fun and dont forget to clip your Valkyries.

The Big E


Dear Spase Emporer of Spase

My inferno cannons maximum weapons range is 36", the minimum range of my carapace mount is also 36". Has someone screwed up?

Moderatus Junus, carapce mount gunner Reaver Titan Stompius Magnus.

Dear Spase Emporer of Spase

My inferno cannons maximum weapons range is 36", the minimum range of my carapace mount is also 36". Has someone screwed up?

Moderatus Junus, carapce mount gunner Reaver Titan Stompius Magnus.

Dear Junus,

Of course not, the Reaver Titan was designed with the specific intention of annihilating anything 36" away. To purge enemies furthur than 36" inches away, simply take a big step forward! You are in a Titan, remember?

Yours,

T.S. Emporer

Dear Spess Emprerererer,

I'm willing to purge the Xeno, Heretic, and the Daemon, but I can only purge one at a time. Which should be first to receive your holy wrath?

Regards,
Clueless on Cadia

Dear Cadia,

Ask not which should be first, but whom should be first...

For as the saying goes; - Only the xeno, the heretic and the Daemon cannot differentiate their pronouns.

Dear Space Emperor,

My Primarch dad deserted me at birth for a 'loose' daemonette, and now I can't face the punk! What should I do?

Dear Space Emperor,

My Primarch dad deserted me at birth for a 'loose' daemonette, and now I can't face the punk! What should I do?

++++++++++++++
The Space Imperal Household Agnecy of Space is sorry to report that our Immortal Lord is a bit hung over from his Kwanzaa celebrations and cannot answer questions at this time. Therefore we present a special edition of -Ask the Zombified Corpse of Malcador the Sigillite!

Dear the Zombified Corpse of Malcador the Sigillite,

There's these 2 guys I know and I kind of like them both. One certainly has the looks, the other the smarts. Who should I go for?

Sincerely,
Vexed on Vulcan

BRAAAAAINS!

---------------------------------

Dear the Zombified Corpse of Malcador the Sigillite,

I'm looking to lose some weight during my winter break. Do you think I should do downhill skiing in the mountains or cross country on the prarrie?

Sincerely,
Heavy on Hoth

PLAAAAAINS!

---------------------------------

Dear the Zombified Corpse of Malcador the Sigillite,

I'm training to run a marathon next year and the diet books disagree. Should I be eating carbos or protein?

Sincerely,
Runner on Romulous

GRAAAAAINS!
---------------------------------

Dear the Zombified Corpse of Malcador the Sigillite,

As I finish plumbing school I wonder if I should go into hot water heaters or sewage. What's your advice?

Sincerely,
Plumber from Pices

DRAAAAAINS!

---------------------------------

Dear the Zombified Corpse of Malcador the Sigillite,

Ever since Murdock bought the Wall Street Journal the quality has been dropping. Where else can I go for my fiancial information?

Sincerely,
Capitalist on Cadia

CRAAAAAINES!

---------------------------------

Dear the Zombified Corpse of Malcador the Sigillite,

I'm trying to get out of town and beat the rush hour traffic, should I take the highway or take my chances on the narrow side streets?

Sincerely,
Stuck on Saturn

LAAAAAAANES!
---------------------------------

Dear the Zombified Corpse of Malcador the Sigillite,

My Fruit of the Looms are always falling apart in the wash. Is there a better brand out there?

Sincerely,
Irked on Io

HAAAAAAAYNES!
---------------------------------

Dear the Zombified Corpse of Malcador the Sigillite,

Who's hotter, the girls in Coppenhagen or in Oslo?

Sincerely,
Desperate on Dagobah

DAAAAAAANES!
---------------------------------

Dear the Zombified Corpse of Malcador the Sigillite,

I'm looking to invest in the transportation field, do you think I should put money into cargo ships or rail haulage?

Sincerely,
Prudent on Pluto

Ships definitely. Rail infrastructure is just too costly to pay off in the short term.

This has been a special edition of Ask the Zombified Corpse of Malcador the Sigillite, we now return you to your regularly-scheduled Ask the Space Emporer.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Dear the Space Emporer,

Why do you park on a driveway but drive on a parkway?

Mixed up on Mercury

Kid_Kyoto wrote:

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Dear the Space Emporer,

Why do you park on a driveway but drive on a parkway?

Mixed up on Mercury

only a hertict would ask this
to the purge a mobile

from your beloved space emperor



dear the bestest space emperor

we have made a fan club about you its called the ULTRAMARINES
we would love you to come to our club at
we love emperor town
we love emperor street
number we love u
please come
and also we love you

from the ultramarinesXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

we have made a fan club about you its called the ULTRAMARINES
we would love you to come to our club at
we love emperor town
we love emperor street
number we love u
please come
and also we love you

from the ultramarinesXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

I am amused by your devotion to me a great man.
If you start to worship me i'll send a few inquisitors to visit you.


Dear the Space Emperor,

Does the Imperium enjoy in oppressing the common man,I am worried about my family,they number 9 people and they are starting to behave heretical,should I burn them on stake or turn a blind eye.

From your loyal servant,
Middle Hiver Tih

Dear the Space Emperor,

Does the Imperium enjoy in oppressing the common man,I am worried about my family,they number 9 people and they are starting to behave heretical,should I burn them on stake or turn a blind eye.

From your loyal servant,
Middle Hiver Tih

Dear Emperor

When will Chaos succeed in anything it actually tries? Like the black crusades???

Yours lovingly
Chaos fan

To: Chaos fan
Re: Stupid question.

Look Chaos fan you are confused, what is all this 'yours lovingly' about? You are apparently a servant of the capricious chaos gods and are not supposed to love Me, or at least they don't think so. Are you sure you are not one of those Radical Inquisitors who cannot make his mind up? Anyway I have answered your question, I suppose its all about focus.

Enjoy a happy eternal damnation.

Not-so-false Emperor


Dear Spase Empererer

Why do kittens die from too much fluff? I thought kittens are supposed to be fluffy. What is a kitten?

Little Nikki (Age 6)

Dear Spase Empererer

Why do kittens die from too much fluff? I thought kittens are supposed to be fluffy. What is a kitten?

Little Nikki (Age 6)

To who it may concern.

Can you tell me why all the Mechanicus Adeptus NEVER seems to get anything right? And seems to be getting more and more useless?

Worried Tech fan

well it dosent concern me so well il anser it any way
i think you mean the russes spontaneously combusting
well we probably sent you a batch of the new suicide russes for all you xenos killing needs


------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
dear the emperor
call of duty 6 is so much fun can you make us some guns like them

from a cod lover

dear the emperor
call of duty 6 is so much fun can you make us some guns like them

You should not think about using the weopons of a game in real life!!
We charge at at a highly fortified positions!! Tactics are for xeno scum!!


----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Teh EMPRAH

Waht is the Red Rage of the SoB?


I seriously dont know

A noob

Dear Citizen,

Ask not what the Red Rage is; you will only find yourself very nauseated and a little scarred. Concern yourself instead with getting the hell out of there when it happens.

-Emprah.

Dear Spase Emporer,
Why is it that Valkyries are true-scale, but a Leman Russ has the proportions of an armoured go-kart? There's no way you could fit five crewmen in that tiny space!

-A Frightened Leman Russ Gunner Cadet

Owain wrote:Dear Spase Emporer,

Why is it that Valkyries are true-scale, but a Leman Russ has the proportions of an armoured go-kart? There's no way you could fit five crewmen in that tiny space!

-A Frightened Leman Russ Gunner Cadet

Dear Fat Coward,

What we have here is clearly a case of high-caloric defeatism. Sitting on your roly-poly rear watching the skies rather than putting in an honest day's worth of murdering mutants and xenos or, at the VERY LEAST, putting down some rebellious PDF. Are you the Hammer of Me or the hammer of the cookie jar? Now go jogging in a wetsuit until you can fit, you malodorous hippopotamus. And if that doesn't do it, you have My Permission to avail yourself of the IG standard issue latex glove to induce oral weight loss. SNAP TO IT!

Benevolently Yet Disapprovingly Yours,

IMPERATOR OMNIPOTENS

PS: You disgust me, corpulent worm.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Gracious Master,

You have answered my prayers, Holy Majesty! After subjecting her to months of my chaste attentions, that sweet flower of faith Celestine has agreed to attend high worship of Your Divine Person with me! I tremble at the sinful pride I will be tempted with as I enter the Solemn Cathedral of Penitent Adoration with this beacon of piety on my witch-smiting arm. After the twenty four hours of silent vigil--sigh, they shall pass in her sweet company like the blink of an eye (merely a turn of phrase, Holy Majesty, I would never desecrate your mighty temple with such an untoward weakness of the flesh as blinking)--she shall surely be hungry. Especially when one considers the preceding forty eight hours of strict fasting. And we will not have a chance to eat, come to think of it, until after tightening our cilices and receiving the rites of corporal mortification. My master, I know you have done so much for me already, but I pray you deign to guide your pitiful servant a bit further. Where should I take the beloved and blessed Celestine for an appropriately dour and pious meal afterward? I feel as if prayer and flagellation will be a tough act to follow. I entreat you, God-Emperor of Humanity, for I have no game but what Thou wilt teach me.

with much burning zeal and fanatical affection,

your slave,

Karamazov, Ordo Hereticus

You have answered my prayers, Holy Majesty! After subjecting her to months of my chaste attentions, that sweet flower of faith Celestine has agreed to attend high worship of Your Divine Person with me! I tremble at the sinful pride I will be tempted with as I enter the Solemn Cathedral of Penitent Adoration with this beacon of piety on my witch-smiting arm. After the twenty four hours of silent vigil--sigh, they shall pass in her sweet company like the blink of an eye (merely a turn of phrase, Holy Majesty, I would never desecrate your mighty temple with such an untoward weakness of the flesh as blinking)--she shall surely be hungry. Especially when one considers the preceding forty eight hours of strict fasting. And we will not have a chance to eat, come to think of it, until after tightening our cilices and receiving the rites of corporal mortification. My master, I know you have done so much for me already, but I pray you deign to guide your pitiful servant a bit further. Where should I take the beloved and blessed Celestine for an appropriately dour and pious meal afterward? I feel as if prayer and flagellation will be a tough act to follow. I entreat you, God-Emperor of Humanity, for I have no game but what Thou wilt teach me.

with much burning zeal and fanatical affection,

your slave,

Karamazov, Ordo Hereticus

Loosen a bit Karamazov,don't be such a zealot,loosen up a bit and smoke cannabis a nearly extinct plant from the Terra.

Dear Space Emperor,
I am worried about those legal Imperial prostitutes are they blessed and sanctified by you or they something else.

IvanTih wrote:
Dear Space Emperor,
I am worried about those legal Imperial prostitutes are they blessed and sanctified by you or they something else.

Deer Anonymous. Those are deer. The only source of Emporer sanctioned proselytution is the Church of our Sacred Heart. For a suitable donation, these Sisters of Special Services will read you his holy writ to you until you flee to burn any unholy possessions you or anyone else might know of. The passionate fires of the sisters will incinerate your eager logs; for all know that eager logs are heretical. Just to be safe, you'll burn the heretic that had the item, and yourself for viewing it. And that's what I call a happy ending.

If you have trouble hardening your heart (as all men who pay for it do from time to time) I highly recommend the little blue fuel- Pyreagra. It will give you all the borrowed heat you need.


Hoping this helps,
Lord of all Humans, Space and other Emporery things


++++ Official Message from the Apothecarium+++++
My liege and lord, Emperor of Space,

It is my solemn duty to inform you that our records show that you did not possess personal injury insurance when you were injured whilst thrashing Horus. I am afraid that means that your medical treatments are a pre-existing condition and thus no longer covered under our insurance policy. Our fees for your treatment, like the thousand imported psykers, case of 45 year old brandy, and three dozen cyber-Cuban cigars that you must consume each day are very reasonable. We shall simply need you to cede control of one planet per day to us, which should cover the cost of operating the Black ships and cover the interest that you owe us for several hundred years of service.

Eagerly awaiting what's coming to us,
Sub-sub-Apothecarium Scaa Pegoat.

++++ Official Message from the Apothecarium+++++
My liege and lord, Emperor of Space,

It is my solemn duty to inform you that our records show that you did not possess personal injury insurance when you were injured whilst thrashing Horus. I am afraid that means that your medical treatments are a pre-existing condition and thus no longer covered under our insurance policy. Our fees for your treatment, like the thousand imported psykers, case of 45 year old brandy, and three dozen cyber-Cuban cigars that you must consume each day are very reasonable. We shall simply need you to cede control of one planet per day to us, which should cover the cost of operating the Black ships and cover the interest that you owe us for several hundred years of service.

Eagerly awaiting what's coming to us,
Sub-sub-Apothecarium Scaa Pegoat.

To Who It May Concern:
Oh dear, I can't believe I haven't payed that deductible. It must have slipped my mind, what with all of my other work. You know, work? That thing you do that involves breaking a sweat to actually accomplish something? Know anythingthing about a hard days work? Eh? Little bastard, I bet you don't. Anyways, I'm forwarding with this message my first payment, pay no attention to the ticking box, it should stop shortly and you will no longer be bothered. Funnily enough, neither will I.

Yours with care,
E-Dawg.



Dear "Emperor,"

I am on a quest to unite all tribes of men under one banner.

You are sitting in my chair.

Sincerely,
Emperor Sigmar

Lint wrote:Dear "Emperor,"

I am on a quest to unite all tribes of men under one banner.

You are sitting in my chair.

Sincerely,
Emperor Sigmar

Dear Sigmar,

We had this all straightened out a while back. Let me just exload the file . . . hold on . . . ah, here it is.

Greetings! Most Exalted Ruler of the Etherous Heavens,

After uniting all men under my own banner of glorious victory and founding an Empire to withstand even the foul depredations of Chaos, I ascended to godhood. Forgive my presumption, but I am wondering if we have met before. You seem so awfully familiar.

Blessings of Me,

Sigmar

I think we were in college together. It's been a long time we need to meet some time but that's hard fore me, I'm stuck at work all the time

Remember? Of course you do. Now keep in touch.

with fond if foggy memories,

IMPERATOR OMNIPOTENS

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Holy Emperor of Mankind,

I have heard of a feral planet where men have united in several factions to fight each other and also nefarious xenos and mutants. They do so with the aid of steam-driven War Machines and techno-sorceries wielded by so called "warcasters." It seems that there are also Hordes of hideous creatures that constantly wage battle on this planet. I was thinking, O Deific One, about voyaging to this planet. It is said that their methods of combat are most prudent and I have even heard some veteran Guardsmen mutter that we could learn much from them here in the Imperium. I was just wondering what you thought of all this or if you had sent or planned to send an Inquisitor round.

tremendously content in your service (and nodding emphatically as I write this),

Pvt. Earpres, 120th Bellvue

Manchu wrote:

Holy Emperor of Mankind,

I have heard of a feral planet where men have united in several factions to fight each other and also nefarious xenos and mutants. They do so with the aid of steam-driven War Machines and techno-sorceries wielded by so called "warcasters." It seems that there are also Hordes of hideous creatures that constantly wage battle on this planet. I was thinking, O Deific One, about voyaging to this planet. It is said that their methods of combat are most prudent and I have even heard some veteran Guardsmen mutter that we could learn much from them here in the Imperium. I was just wondering what you thought of all this or if you had sent or planned to send an Inquisitor round.

tremendously content in your service (and nodding emphatically as I write this),

Pvt. Earpres, 120th Bellvue

Dear Pvt. Earpres late of the 120th Bellvue

Ah yes those 'warmachines' and those 'hoardes' of monsters. Believe me I've heard it all before. I've heard about the 'warzones' filled with WWII-looking troops and zombies. I've been warned about guys with riot shields striking from the 'void' and giant robots fighting an 'urban war' in our 'metropolis'. About space knights having a 'firefight' and you know what, I ain't worried.

Cause after all of that I'm still here! Yeah. Me. The Big E, standing tall. Sure people might whine when I double the cost of guardsmen but they'll keep coming back long after their little dalliance with heresy is over.

So yeah, feel free to go be a 'warcaster' for the blue robots or the red robots or the white robots. I won't miss you. And I know you'll be back when Codex Red Space Marines comes out.

Rolling in my money bin
E

=============================================
Dear the Space Emperor,

Honey, it's me again. I tried calling but that creepy Malcador guy answered and I asked why you didn't pick up and he said PAAAAAAINS so I guess your hemeroids are acting up again huh? I told you to use that fancy cushion I got you from Taiwan but you didn't listen.

Anyway I'm writing you because there's this guy at work (I think I mentioned him before) who's really bugging me. I mean last week we were at like the Solemn Cathedral and like were supposed to mediate for like 24 hours or something and I swear he was just staring down my top the whole time. I don't even think he blinked. And afterwards he suggested we get a bite to eat and he takes me to... get this... a hookah bar! And lemme tell you I don't think they just had tobacco in those pipes.

So then he's like, wanna take a spin on my throne of judgement? But I was like, just take me home.

Is it just me or is that creepy?

Anyway, hope you're feeling better, we need to talk soon cause I have tons of ideas for my new codex, I was thinking we should have Valkyries too but our valkyries should have Naplam rockets that don't give cover saves, and they should have multimetlas! We could call them Victory-pattern Valkyries.

So lets talk, are you around Tuesday night? Just make sure that Malcador guy doesn't answer, I think he's funny in the head.

Saint Celestine,
Hieromartyr of the Palatine Crusade

Kid_Kyoto wrote:Dear the Space Emperor,

Honey, it's me again. I tried calling but that creepy Malcador guy answered and I asked why you didn't pick up and he said PAAAAAAINS so I guess your hemeroids are acting up again huh? I told you to use that fancy cushion I got you from Taiwan but you didn't listen.

Anyway I'm writing you because there's this guy at work (I think I mentioned him before) who's really bugging me. I mean last week we were at like the Solemn Cathedral and like were supposed to mediate for like 24 hours or something and I swear he was just staring down my top the whole time. I don't even think he blinked. And afterwards he suggested we get a bite to eat and he takes me to... get this... a hookah bar! And lemme tell you I don't think they just had tobacco in those pipes.

So then he's like, wanna take a spin on my throne of judgement? But I was like, just take me home.

Is it just me or is that creepy?

Anyway, hope you're feeling better, we need to talk soon cause I have tons of ideas for my new codex, I was thinking we should have Valkyries too but our valkyries should have Naplam rockets that don't give cover saves, and they should have multimetlas! We could call them Victory-pattern Valkyries.

So lets talk, are you around Tuesday night? Just make sure that Malcador guy doesn't answer, I think he's funny in the head.

Saint Celestine,
Hieromartyr of the Palatine Crusade

Dear Celestine,

You know, I've set in the same chair for the last ten thousand years. Never moved even once. And for the first I don't even know how many years, all the kids (minus a few for whatever reason--I haven't seen Horus since our little squabble on his space boat after he knocked down his sister) were living back at home, constantly bugging Me with their teen drama. I had to listen to Rogal blubbering about being so, so sorry--not as sorry as Me, by the way, Rog--punctuated only by Roboute's Power Point book reports on that same Me-damned pamphlet of his over and over again. It didn't get any more exciting after they moved out, either. Do you realize that the Custodes have no ability to make smallchat? None. Whatsoever. The other day I tried to ask one if he saw the premiere of Biggest Loser and he just fell on his knees, weeping in ecstasy. And Malcador's no better, with his monosyllabic groaning. Well, at least he can still screen calls.

Listen, the point of all this is that no matter how tedious and mindnumbing the last ten thousand years were it's been one of Doom Rider's pool parties compared to even the briefest communication with the likes of you. I'm sorry if you didn't receive the voxcast clearly enough last time but I AM BREAK-ING UP WITH YOU. Actually, I don't remember any conversation about us even dating. Clearly that night on Sanctus Lys meant a lot more to you than me. And that was just a Me-forsaken VISION, you daft slag. What part of "the Emperor is strapped immobile and physically dead into a giant shiny chair" do you not understand? There's no future for us. I'm too busy with work, what with my Red Marines and everything, and you've got . . . well, whatever you do . . . See? I never even once listened to your yammering. I'm sorry if this is coming off as cruel but my hemorrhoids are being an absolute pain in the Throne just now.

Listen, try not to take this too badly. This Karamazov guy is obviously way into you. You guys have all the same hobbies and everything. Just give him a chance. Like in that ABBA song from M1. An old un but a good un, am I right? When you change your mind, he's the first in line, baby he's still free, take a chance on . . . he. Frankly, I think you've been a teensy bit prideful thinking you could tie Me down--kind of smudges the gleam on your halo, wouldn't you say? You should really let Karamazov teach you about humility and maybe even plan a nice penitential weekend getaway together. Yes, you've got a bright future. Today is the first day of the rest of your life.

hoping you got the picture,

IMPERATOR OMNIPOTENS

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Greetings Mon'Keigh Farseer,

Long ages have passed since last we spoke. I trust you are well enough. Although I am understandably reluctant to do so, my daughter Macha insists on me writing to ask a favor of you. She will be attending the L'lathreal-Ume (to approximate, in your coarse grunts, Petals-And-Water-Drops-Upon-The-Cheek or the Ritual of Matrimonial Bonding of the Spirit Stones) between her sister and some Mon'Keigh formerly in your service. The details are entirely beneath me but perhaps you know something of this already. In any case, Macha requests that you send over another of your slaves to escort her to the ritual. I foresee that you will comply.

That is all,

Eldrad Ulthran

Dear Ellikestoweardrag Ulthwasapansysoheran,

Are you being serious? I thought that they weren't going through with that entire thing after their issues. I guess being in a blackstone fortress means you can't watch a little bit of entertainment on the pict slates huh? Oh, "I'm fighting the chaos evilness in this fortress." can't take the time to watch a little tele. I mean, you were lucky enough to get stuck in a giant planet-killing weapon while I'm stuck on this chair with limited wi-fi.

So why don't YOU get someone or are you too good for that Mr. Fancy Robes?

Sincerely, My Chair is still better than yours,
The Emp.


Dear, False Emperor

I was sitting in my barracks the other day and trying to get some rest when this jerk comes along and drives right through the door on his bike and then just suddenly disappears, taking my chiffarobe with him. This was crazy enough, but when I went on patrols the other day we say him trying to snort the snow for who knows what reason. I know that you know something about us chaos guys so do you you know who this guy is?

Confused on Htoh.

boooo you suck your chaos
booo hiss boooo
fr0om your favourite emperor

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dear the emperor

is calgar really a space marine???
how did such a get so high in power?????
surely i should be more power full
from
vulkan

Dear Vulkan,

Stop your whining this instant. I have more important things to worry about, like this new "Blood Angels" thing that's going around. There's a whole "vampire" fad going around that could potentially ruin this galaxy. Once when I was young there was a thing called "twilight" that caused a massive amount of females and effeminite males to flock to it in some sort of cult. All forms of media popped up to entertain this cult, and it may try to infiltrate Terra with this new "Blood Angels" fad. I need to prepare defenses against this cult and their members known as "twihards".

Building his adamantium fortress,
The Space Emperor.


Dear Mr Emperor,
We are pleased to tell you that your check has been approved by the Galactic Bank of Terra so we will begin construction of your stripper pole next week. However, it did cost more than the estimate stated due to the fact that it had to support, and I quote from our last talk: "The weight of a god emperor and his most holy throne.". At first we thought you were talking about a toilet, but the actual throne you referenced will require us to strengthen the attachment points of the pole itself to support you... I mean your "friends" weight.

Sincerely,
Tech Adept Rio.

does this realy need an answer



dear the emperor you said about your fortess
please an i come in ill bring cookies

from calgoor

Vulkan_He'stan wrote:dear the emperor

is calgar really a space marine???
how did such a get so high in power?????
surely i should be more power full
from
vulkan

Dear "Vulkan",

Before I go any further, I have to ask: to which Vulkan am I writing? I know it cannot be my son. He uses capital letters and punctuation, just as I taught him. And I know it cannot be darling Vulkan He'Stan. He'Stan is very polite and would never speak so disparaging to Me about what is clearly My most favorite Space Marine from what is clearly My most favorite Space Marine Chapter. (I seriously cannot be much more obvious about this, everyone.) I will assume, therefore, that I must be writing to someone called something like Vulkan Th'Imposter or Vulkan Wait'Psyche'No'I'm'Not. As such, I command you with in the full authority of My Sacred Being to sod right off and never bother contacting me again until you can write properly and use a reasonable amount of question marks.

with considerable wrath,

IMPERATOR OMNIPOTENS

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Greetings Mon'Keigh Farseer,

Although I am able to peer through the very weave of time, the tangle of mongrel animal noises with which you replied to my message has proven indecipherable. Please understand that your prompt compliance with my request will be the only response deemed necessary. I require only that you send another of your slave-warriors to preoccupy my second daughter during the L'lathreal-Ume of her sibling, a task that surely will not task even you. I foresee that you will both comprehend and obey.

Yawn,

Eldrad Ulthran

youve been ninjad

Don't care. I like mine better.

Greetings Mon'Keigh Farseer,

Although I am able to peer through the very weave of time, the tangle of mongrel animal noises with which you replied to my message has proven indecipherable. Please understand that your prompt compliance with my request will be the only response deemed necessary. I require only that you send another of your slave-warriors to preoccupy my second daughter during the L'lathreal-Ume of her sibling, a task that surely will not task even you. I foresee that you will both comprehend and obey.

Yawn,

Eldrad Ulthran

Dear Eldrad,
As the Emperor is busy atm I have taken the liberty of responding to your request. I would be more than happy to preoccupy your daughter during whatever festivities are taking place. I have a cache of lubri--- I mean er, books we can study. Say, your daughter wouldn't happen to be one of those "darker" versions of your race would she? I've heard good things about their, er, appetites.... Any way, get back to me on that. P.S. I don't have transportation, so you'll probably have to send out a space-cab.

Sincerely,
Eager young guardsman.


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