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Asherian Command wrote:

Dear Emperor of Mankind,
Greetings Emperor of Mankind we are fighting a Xenos plague! They call themselves the Shape Shifters. We were wondering if the Ordo Xenos could send in a Kill Team to aid us. Not only that but we have been hearing reports of a Uprising in the Ghoul Stars, and Captain Tyron of the 16th Company has responded. What can we do? Our chapter is almost spread so thinly that it is near its breaking point!
Brother Librarian Captain, Castiel of the 24th Company,
Storm Crusaders Chapter Orbiting the Planet of AB5210

Dear Whiner Marines:

The Ordo Xenos is currently preoccupied with their annual company picnic and barbeque, so no. They can't help you. Don't you complain to Teh Spayse Emperor about being spread thinly! Look at the Pink Fisting Marines. They aren't fisting nearly as much as they used to, but do they complain about it? No. They don't. Why don't you learn how to fist nouns as well as they do, instead of crying when things get too tough?

Oh, and by the way, I, the almighty Spayse Emperor, am not pleased with your misleading title. You Librarians lack proper libraries. I went to the "Angry-one-week-per-month" Chapter's Library, and they had never even heard of "Go Dogs Go". Librarian indeed! Hmph!

Rather Irritated,

Teh Spayse Emperor (Of all of Spayse)


Dear The Space Emperor

I was just wasting some time killing Heretics yesterday, and a thought occurred to me: Sometimes when I'm lying in bed trying to sleep, I get an itch on my arm, or leg, or back, and no matter how much I scratch, it won't go away. And I got to thinking as I was hacking through my fourth or fifth Heretic, do you ever get itchy? If so, how do you scratch it, being plugged into that big fancy throne and all. Do you have someone employed as your "Official Buttscratcher"? What would I need to do in order to have such a loyal buttscratcher at my beck and call? I've tried simply drafting up streetchildren, but I have awful gas and they always run away screaming and in tears. As it stands, I have no buttscratcher of my own. And everyone knows an Inquisitor cannot scratch his own bottom. That would be most improper.

Sincerely,

Inquisitor Ben Dover

Dear The Space Emperor

I was just wasting some time killing Heretics yesterday, and a thought occurred to me: Sometimes when I'm lying in bed trying to sleep, I get an itch on my arm, or leg, or back, and no matter how much I scratch, it won't go away. And I got to thinking as I was hacking through my fourth or fifth Heretic, do you ever get itchy? If so, how do you scratch it, being plugged into that big fancy throne and all. Do you have someone employed as your "Official Buttscratcher"? What would I need to do in order to have such a loyal buttscratcher at my beck and call? I've tried simply drafting up streetchildren, but I have awful gas and they always run away screaming and in tears. As it stands, I have no buttscratcher of my own. And everyone knows an Inquisitor cannot scratch his own bottom. That would be most improper.

Sincerely,

Inquisitor Ben Dover

Dear Ben,

The only fleshy part left of me is my gigantic brain, considering I've been decomposing for ten millenniums, and thus I have no butt to call my own. You should really know that, considering your status in the Inquisition. I suggest a servitor with one of those itching claw things and no nose.

Missing His Royal Assflesh,

The Space Emperor

@Wastingtime,
You forgot to post a question of your own.

So, I'll post one!

Dear Space Emp of Spayze

I was busy yesterday hunting Carnifexes in the woods when a young PDF trooper walked up to me and said:

Hey dude, your stats are totally OP. You should not be able to hunt Mounstrous Creatures in the woods, you're just a human. Besides, you have no Invulnerable save!
HAHAHAHA!!

With that, he pulled up a Plasma Gun, aimed it at me and pulled the trigger. However, because of my awesome Toughness, he failed his ''To Wound'' roll. I ripped him apart
without a thought but his words still confound me. Am I really Cheesy?

Yours truly, Mephiston

Dear Mephiston,

I can kill a C'tan god with my mind and map out most of the galaxy all while trapped in a golden toilet and even I find you cheesy. Fake an injury or two and people might find you more tolerable. It worked for me at least, I've never been more loved and I get to play Sonic the Hedgehog on my plasma screen TV all day long.

Yours sincerly,

T. Emperor



Dear Emperor

I'm leader of a large group of your most definatly loyal to the core Space Marines and I want your expert advice. You did pretty well in your crusades and I respect that, but I am having trouble with my own. It just seems like nobody respects me any more and treat them like a joke. I just want to make my gods emperor happy and serve the Imperium of man to the best I can. You dealt with unruly legions for a long time and how did you keep order?

Yours faithfully

Abbadon the Despoiler Marneus Calgar.

Librius Machina wrote:



Dear Emperor

I'm leader of a large group of your most definatly loyal to the core Space Marines and I want your expert advice. You did pretty well in your crusades and I respect that, but I am having trouble with my own. It just seems like nobody respects me any more and treat them like a joke. I just want to make my gods emperor happy and serve the Imperium of man to the best I can. You dealt with unruly legions for a long time and how did you keep order?

Yours faithfully

Abbadon the Despoiler Marneus Calgar.

Dear Marneus - surely you, the master of the Ultramarines, the chapter all other marines secretly long to be like - surely indeed you must be jesting. You know what to do - stand around, act manly, shout things at people, that sort of thing. Maybe shave your head for more effect? Much respect from that, you know.

But honestly, I expected better from you. Now if you were that pansy Abaddon, who needs 13 Crusades in the morning just to find a caffine, then I would take you a bit more seriously. I mean, 10,000 years and you think someone would succeed or give up, right? Not good old 'Try again.... and again.... and again' Abaddon. But if you are really, really in need of getting someone put in their place, just send some human as a delegate to tell those fellow unruly marines to get into line and stop assing about. I mean, it worked with me and Lorgar, right? He totally took that lesson the right way...... oh. Well, maybe this time it might work.

Any questions, please don't hesitate to find a new job.

Cheers

T.Emperor


Dear Typhus

I hear you have been having a tough time lately - not many wars on, at least for you. And yet I see your fellow legionaires in almost every battle raging inside and outside the eye. I mean, it looks like a plague of plague marines. I know, I am very witty. But you seem to have disappeared completely! You haven't come down with something, have you? Please let me know where you are - we aren't the best friends of course, but I do care!

PS- know the best doctor, if you are feeling a little bloated or sick he can change that right around for you. Just leave me a message if you get this, I'm off to try and find the library again, I have an overdue book and the fine is going to be horrendous at some point.

Cheers

Ahriman

Dear Typhus

I hear you have been having a tough time lately - not many wars on, at least for you. And yet I see your fellow legionaires in almost every battle raging inside and outside the eye. I mean, it looks like a plague of plague marines. I know, I am very witty. But you seem to have disappeared completely! You haven't come down with something, have you? Please let me know where you are - we aren't the best friends of course, but I do care!

PS- know the best doctor, if you are feeling a little bloated or sick he can change that right around for you. Just leave me a message if you get this, I'm off to try and find the library again, I have an overdue book and the fine is going to be horrendous at some point.

Cheers

Ahriman



Dear Editor,

Once again your tekno-skrybes have filed a letter which isn’t for me at all!

I am sick to death of it. What is wrong with their servo-skulls? I can’t respond to this kind of rubbish!

If it happens one more time I won’t be answering any more queries.

Yours most sincerely,

Teh Space Emporer.



Dear Ther Spaec Emperer,

Lotta talk recently about these falutin Dark Elves.

I don’t get it, surely we wiped out all the Elves in the Great Spase Massacre of 30,000? Where have these basterds been hiding all this time?

Just let me know and me and the boys’ll go and sort them out for you.

Yours in hot plasma,


Sir Ron the Great, The Aye of Mor d’Or.

Kilkrazy wrote:
Dear Ther Spaec Emperer,

Lotta talk recently about these falutin Dark Elves.

I don’t get it, surely we wiped out all the Elves in the Great Spase Massacre of 30,000? Where have these basterds been hiding all this time?

Just let me know and me and the boys’ll go and sort them out for you.

Yours in hot plasma,


Sir Ron the Great, The Aye of Mor d’Or.

Dear Mr. d'OR,

I would love for you to destroy the foul Space Elves! I cannot stand to listen to one more whine about "Chores" or "Homework", or another all night session of Linkin Park. Just, for the love of Me, Don't hurt them. I really don't want to get in yet another lawsuit.

Dear Mr. Emperor sir,

It has come to my attention that you have willfully committed an act of Heresy by nearly Dying.

Expect me over there for tea and Ritual Decapitation

Regards,
High Commissar Exterminaticus.

chowderhead13 wrote:
Dear Mr. Emperor sir,

It has come to my attention that you have willfully committed an act of Heresy by nearly Dying.

Expect me over there for tea and Ritual Decapitation

Regards,
High Commissar Exterminaticus.

Dear High Commissar Excrementus

No one ever got points for a partial job. You said it yourself - I almost died. I'm still very much alive, however. Well... Okay, that's a bit of an exaggeration, but I'm still -technically- alive. I just have better things to do than putz around and save you snot nos-err- lovely, caring masses. Things like jump rop-...joggi-...bicycle ri-... ...I'll get back to you on that.

Wishing he could move again

Teh Space Emprah



Dear Space Emperor

Why do the Ultramarines always win? Surely they've been defeated at least once. And why're they so respected? All they did during the Heresy was be bald and screaming towards the Alpha Legion...

Faithfully,

Little Timmy

metallifan wrote:


Dear Space Emperor

Why do the Ultramarines always win? Surely they've been defeated at least once. And why're they so respected? All they did during the Heresy was be bald and screaming towards the Alpha Legion...

Faithfully,

Little Timmy

Dearest Timmah,

The Ultramarines win because they have perhaps the most advanced piece of military technology in the galaxy- the Rowboat. Unlike a sailboat, these boats are powered by Ultraoars, allowing them to go against the wind. Their symbol, commonly confused with the Greek Omega, is actually an inverted Rowboat the exquisite maneuver invented by mr. Guilliman to confuse and shock our enemies. While not at all effective at carrying supplies, it has been known to cause entire armies to die of laughter.

But between you and me, ever since he put out that best-selling Codex Astartes, the Ultramarines have been a little too close to their Legio Publicist. I can't help but wonder how many battles they've actually lost, and just spun as victory to boost sales. Ah well, I'm sure Macragge hasn't been completely eaten by Tyranids yet.

Sincerely,
Spehss Emprah


Lord Space Emperor!

As a loyal servant of the Machine God, I have always gloried in your union of flesh and steel. Indeed, once I was graced to strip some screws for use in a 'cup holder' you wanted used. My superior told me that you had issued an edict that everything that entered your presence had to be stripped, even if it meant that it would not function as well. I hope that you have found them adequate. I inquire not for praise, but because you had posted an Ad on the holy internets for a 'stripper'. As I have great experience at stripping nails, paint from walls, and insulation from copper wiring, I am glad to answer the call of my Emperor.

Brother Befff Kayke, Ordo Mechancicus, Mars

Dear Inquistitor Ben Dover,I do not have a "buttscratcher",as my nervous system is pretty much dead,so I do not recieve any itching sensations,but I would suggest programming a Servitor to do so,or you could use your power that you have thanks to being a Inquistitor and hire some one to do so.

Farewell, My servent.
Sincerly,The all-mighty,holy immortal Emperor of all.

Dear Space emperor,
I am curious why are there so many Ork scum near the holy Terra,Cadia area.
Wouldn't you keep them away at all costs?
Sincerly, Standard Trooper Fentill Osinarus of the 38th Infantry squad of the 478th Cadian Leigion

Great Space Emperor's Ghost! I mean uh, Great uh... me! 2 questions at once! Only my omnipotent Emporer Power can handle this!

Warlord Gazghkull Thraka wrote:
Dear Space emperor,
I am curious why are there so many Ork scum near the holy Terra,Cadia area.
Wouldn't you keep them away at all costs?
Sincerly, Standard Trooper Fentill Osinarus of the 38th Infantry squad of the 478th Cadian Leigion

Why Trooper Osinarus, are you implying that I could not destroy the Ork scum with my omnipotent powers? Are you? Think carefully about your answer. Confessor Skye will be along shortly to discuss the matter with you and rest assured he will find your lack of faith... disturbing.

Yours,
The OMNIPOTENT Space Emporer of Space

Lord Space Emperor!

As a loyal servant of the Machine God, I have always gloried in your union of flesh and steel. Indeed, once I was graced to strip some screws for use in a 'cup holder' you wanted used. My superior told me that you had issued an edict that everything that entered your presence had to be stripped, even if it meant that it would not function as well. I hope that you have found them adequate. I inquire not for praise, but because you had posted an Ad on the holy internets for a 'stripper'. As I have great experience at stripping nails, paint from walls, and insulation from copper wiring, I am glad to answer the call of my Emperor.

Brother Befff Kayke, Ordo Mechancicus, Mars

Dear Brother whateverthefrakyournameis

Um no, I can, with complete honesty say that you do not have the stripping skills I am looking for.

Thank me they finally put in those cameras in the Sororitas shower room.

Yours,
The guy who ain't been getting some for 10,000 years

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Deer Teh Space Emporer of Space,

I can't believe it is time to rite you again, I can't believe it's been one hole year.

I have been a very, very good Space Marine this year. I ate all my vegetables, even the broccoli. I said all my prayers and I polished my armor very much. I killed many space aliens and heretics and bad guys. And this one time when a scary space monster attacked I punched him with my punching thing and he dyed. It was awesome.

Please tell Father Kwanzaa that I want new shoulder pads and a Space Marine helmet for Kwanzaa so people stop trying to shoot me in the face. Also please tell him that Chaplain Cassius is a poo-poo head and very, very mean to me so he should get coal in his Space Stocking.

Yours truely,
Marneus Calgar
Chapter Master of the Ultramarines
Lord McCragg

Deer Teh Space Emporer of Space,

I can't believe it is time to rite you again, I can't believe it's been one hole year.

I have been a very, very good Space Marine this year. I ate all my vegetables, even the broccoli. I said all my prayers and I polished my armor very much. I killed many space aliens and heretics and bad guys. And this one time when a scary space monster attacked I punched him with my punching thing and he dyed. It was awesome.

Please tell Father Kwanzaa that I want new shoulder pads and a Space Marine helmet for Kwanzaa so people stop trying to shoot me in the face. Also please tell him that Chaplain Cassius is a poo-poo head and very, very mean to me so he should get coal in his Space Stocking.

Yours truely,
Marneus Calgar
Chapter Master of the Ultramarines
Lord McCragg

Dear Manliest Calgar,

I have passed on your request, I'm sure a Space Marine Helmet (Mk.VIII) of course will be doable. Kwanzaa is worried that it may not fit into your stocking however, but I appeased him with the news of your shoe size.
I apologise however Manliest, the warp is turbulent at this time of year so Kwanzaa may be slightly late. He assures me that Rudolph will be up for the challenge however, be sure to clean your chimney this year though! Apparently he was attacked by a Licker-type thing last year that was lurking in there, remnants from the Tyranid invasion perhaps?

Yours Godly,
Emp.

------------------------------

Dear Mr S. Emperor,
We are writing to inform you that your energy bill for this year has almost tripled in comparison to the previous annual bill. We advise you that in the current economy and climate, you should be careful with your energy consumption. Even the little changes to your lifestyle can make a big difference to your energy usage and therefore bill.
Judging by your energy report we would advise the following:
- Refrain from leaving the 'Golden Throne' turned on when it is not in use.
- Turn Roboute Gulliman off Stand-by.
- Investigate the Nocturne Labyrinth beneath Mars, there is a significant amount of energy being used from this area.
- Do not blend/liquefy psykers before consuming them, the energy usage far outweighs the taste difference.
- Finally, much of the energy used by the Dark Angels Space Marine Chapter (TM) appears to be diverted to a recipient referred to as 'Ye Gods of Chaos'.

We hope we have not spoiled your festivities with this news.

Yours Faithfully,
Imperium-Energy-Incorporated.

Just Dave wrote:
Dear Mr S. Emperor,
We are writing to inform you that your energy bill for this year has almost tripled in comparison to the previous annual bill. We advise you that in the current economy and climate, you should be careful with your energy consumption. Even the little changes to your lifestyle can make a big difference to your energy usage and therefore bill.
Judging by your energy report we would advise the following:
- Refrain from leaving the 'Golden Throne' turned on when it is not in use.
- Turn Roboute Gulliman off Stand-by.
- Investigate the Nocturne Labyrinth beneath Mars, there is a significant amount of energy being used from this area.
- Do not blend/liquefy psykers before consuming them, the energy usage far outweighs the taste difference.
- Finally, much of the energy used by the Dark Angels Space Marine Chapter (TM) appears to be diverted to a recipient referred to as 'Ye Gods of Chaos'.

We hope we have not spoiled your festivities with this news.

Yours Faithfully,
Imperium-Energy-Incorporated.

Whoa, tripled? For real? Wow, how am I ever gonna cover that...

Oh yeah, I'll quadruple your taxes just to make sure you get paid. No, no need to thank me, that's what my power of Emporer Omniscience is for.

Yours
The Tax Man (and Emporer of Space)

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear The Spacial Emporer of Space Imperialism

Wow, oh wow! I can't believe it's almost Kwanzaa! This year sure flew by huh?

I've been a very (x2) good Space Marine this year, I always wore my skull hat and I polished my rod every night. Some nights I even had the Scouts come in to polish it for me so they could learn how to polish a Space Marine's Rod.

And this one time a Space Demon attacked and hit it with my Rod and it dyed.

Please tell Father Kwanzaa that I want a new breast plate (one of those cool ones that looks like ribs, they're awesome!) and a new bolt pistol because my old one got a scratch on it when I was pistol-whipping a Space Alien to death.

Yours Truely
Chaplain Cassius
Ultramar

PS-Marenus is always saying bad things about me because I make him eat his Space Broccoli before he can have Space Ice Cream for desert, please tell Father Kwanzaa to give him coal in his stocking.

Kid_Kyoto wrote:Dear The Spacial Emporer of Space Imperialism

Wow, oh wow! I can't believe it's almost Kwanzaa! This year sure flew by huh?

I've been a very (x2) good Space Marine this year, I always wore my skull hat and I polished my rod every night. Some nights I even had the Scouts come in to polish it for me so they could learn how to polish a Space Marine's Rod.

And this one time a Space Demon attacked and hit it with my Rod and it dyed.

Please tell Father Kwanzaa that I want a new breast plate (one of those cool ones that looks like ribs, they're awesome!) and a new bolt pistol because my old one got a scratch on it when I was pistol-whipping a Space Alien to death.

Yours Truely
Chaplain Cassius
Ultramar

PS-Marenus is always saying bad things about me because I make him eat his Space Broccoli before he can have Space Ice Cream for desert, please tell Father Kwanzaa to give him coal in his stocking.

Dearest Chaplain Cassius,

Yeah. The year really flew by as I sat here in the same place the whole time thinking about how my sons tried to kill me and the human race was slowly dying. Was a buzz. Now 'Kwanzaa' is here though I feel so much better. Really compensates for being a corpse and everything.

Shouldn't you be doing a bit more with your rod than polishing it? Maybe stick it in some things? Like unruly scouts or invading Xenos? If it comes out dirty then you've done a good job.

I am however pleased to hear that you've been doing some good with your time, particularly in regards to the killing of xenos. However, Santa says that he's all out of Breastplates and Bolt Pistols so he'll be sending you some wrinkle cream and what he described as 'special videos'.

Furthermore, if you and Marneus would quit bickering that would also be good. Some of us have a galaxy to run and bigger things to worry about than Broccoli. Maybe you should hit him with your rod (possibly when he's sleeping?) then get back to conquering the galaxy.

Yours most bah humbugy,
The Big E.

--------------------------------------

Dear Mr God Emperor Sir,

I appear to have got myself in a bit of a pickle. You see, no-one likes me and I fail at everything I attempt and I've been around a long time so I have failed a lot.
Some people think I've been achieving lots of little goals and achieving much in the long-term but others think that I'm just a huge failure and now all my neighbours ignore me and won't help me. I personally don't know what to think, but now I'm really sad and things have been so much worse since daddy left me...

I know things between us haven't exactly been the best of relationships and I know I've wronged you in many ways and I sincerely apologise, but could you lend me a hand this one time? Please? It's Christmas after all; the time of forgiveness!

Yours faithfully, as always.

A. Despoiler.

Dear Mr God Emperor Sir,

I appear to have got myself in a bit of a pickle. You see, no-one likes me and I fail at everything I attempt and I've been around a long time so I have failed a lot.
Some people think I've been achieving lots of little goals and achieving much in the long-term but others think that I'm just a huge failure and now all my neighbours ignore me and won't help me. I personally don't know what to think, but now I'm really sad and things have been so much worse since daddy left me...

I know things between us haven't exactly been the best of relationships and I know I've wronged you in many ways and I sincerely apologise, but could you lend me a hand this one time? Please? It's Christmas after all; the time of forgiveness!

Yours faithfully, as always.

A. Despoiler.

Dearest A. Despoiler, (what does the A stand for? Alvin?)

Anyway, Alvin, what a terrible name you have. And I thought Alpharius was pretty bad. (I was kinda buzzed when I named him)
I wouldn't know what to do in your situation. You see, everyone loves me very very (x2) much. Sucks that your dad left you, but I've never been a family man so I can't exactly talk about that either.

And honestly I don't know what you're apologizing about but whatever. Anyway, I'm going to cut this space letter short, some of my men are polishing my throne and my long, pulsating power sword.

Catch ya on the flip,
Teh Spaise Empro0r

P.S. Several Titan legions, Space Marine chapters, and contingents of the Imperial Army should be nuking you into oblivion by the time you obtain this letter. Happy Space Kwanza!
---------------------------

Dear Spse emp0r,
As an Imperial Assassin, I have very (x2) made sure to pledge myself to your will and have many times ejaculated loudly your praises with my brethren in attendance.
However, on a recent mission I found myself oddly attracted to a xenos specimen-a female xenos, an Eldar Farseer. She had these blue eyes to die for and such ivory skin. I have killed hundreds of targets and endured what a normal man could die from, but overcoming my nerve to ask her on a date to a space theater is just nerve-wracking to the extreme. Even frenzon doesn't help!
From what I've heard, back in the day you were a pretty big playa and I was wonderin if you had any tips for this ol' Assassin.

Yours truly,
Lov'Kinn Blumm (The Space Assassin)

Hoo, boy...

Well, my child, you may not be so happy to discover that you're looking at a pretty short path. My space-omniscience tells me that we had to remove your giblets to make room for a MkVIIVb Gyrostabilizer Implant.

Have a nice day, now.

-----
Dear Spase Emporer,

As I've been such a good little Storm Trooper this year, I'd like to request the following for Space Kwanzaa:

-A bigger flashlight
-Two-ply tissue-paper protective equipment
-A space pony!

-Lieutenant Sanders
11th Secret Regiment of Herbs and Spices

Dear Spase Emporer,

As I've been such a good little Storm Trooper this year, I'd like to request the following for Space Kwanzaa:

-A bigger flashlight
-Two-ply tissue-paper protective equipment
-A space pony!

-Lieutenant Sanders
11th Secret Regiment of Herbs and Spices

Grrr... DO I LOOK LIKE FATHER KWANZAA? DO I HAVE A BIG BLACK BEARD AND A SLED PULLED BY 24 TINY GAZELLES? I DON'T THINK SO!

Send these letters to Ask Father Kwanzaa! This is Ask the Space Emperor of Space!

Yours
TSE
Not FK!

PS Since this is Kwanzaa I've approved your transfer to the 23rd Lunar Rough Riders, happy Kwanzaa!

-----------------------------------------------------------
Dear The Space Emperor

Our names are spoken of in whispers, the invisible snipers of the Officio Vindicare, the crazed bezerkers of the Officio Eversore, the psychic monsters of the Officio Culexus, the unseen infiltrators of the Officio Callidus and of course we, the surprisingly effective killers of the Officio Fluffy Pillow.

Our agents (both of them) have trained for decades to master all the ways of killing with fluffy pillows. Whether you need a renegade general smothered in his bed or a heretical cardinal to slip and break his neck from a 'carelessly' placed fluffy pillow we are here to meet all your fluffy pillow-related killing needs. However it has been some time since our services were last called up. Not since Agent Tempur Pedic struck down a genestealer pariarch with a pillow soaked in flaming oil have we been assigned a mission.

And now, on the very eve of Kwanzaa, the Adeptus Acountus says if we do not get an assignment soon they will cut our funding and let the Officio Broken Bottle move into our temple. The Officio Broken Bottle, hmph! Killing with a broken bottle is not challenge, I mean my grandma can kill someone with a broken bottle and she's been dead for 40 years! But artfully arranging a fluffy pillow so that an Eldar Farseer will inhale it while snoring and choke to death before any can come to his aid, that is a rare skill indeed.

Thus I approach you on bended knee and ask... got any work for us boss?

Sincerely
Master Postur Pedic
Officio Fluffy Pillow

Kid_Kyoto wrote:Dear The Space Emperor

Our names are spoken of in whispers, the invisible snipers of the Officio Vindicare, the crazed bezerkers of the Officio Eversore, the psychic monsters of the Officio Culexus, the unseen infiltrators of the Officio Callidus and of course we, the surprisingly effective killers of the Officio Fluffy Pillow.

Our agents (both of them) have trained for decades to master all the ways of killing with fluffy pillows. Whether you need a renegade general smothered in his bed or a heretical cardinal to slip and break his neck from a 'carelessly' placed fluffy pillow we are here to meet all your fluffy pillow-related killing needs. However it has been some time since our services were last called up. Not since Agent Tempur Pedic struck down a genestealer pariarch with a pillow soaked in flaming oil have we been assigned a mission.

And now, on the very eve of Kwanzaa, the Adeptus Acountus says if we do not get an assignment soon they will cut our funding and let the Officio Broken Bottle move into our temple. The Officio Broken Bottle, hmph! Killing with a broken bottle is not challenge, I mean my grandma can kill someone with a broken bottle and she's been dead for 40 years! But artfully arranging a fluffy pillow so that an Eldar Farseer will inhale it while snoring and choke to death before any can come to his aid, that is a rare skill indeed.

Thus I approach you on bended knee and ask... got any work for us boss?

Sincerely
Master Postur Pedic
Officio Fluffy Pillow

Aaaah, those of the uh... Fluffy uh... Pillows...

I uh... do indeed have some uh... work for you.
It's been a busy time of year as I'm sure you know, I've just been so busy attending to all those loyal to the Imperium and deserving of Kwansaa Pressies that I completely forgot about my monthly purging of heretics. Whoops.

OK, so I have a list of people that got coal in their stocking for Christmas so any one of these will do...
- Abaddon the Despoiler - Although rumour has it that he doesn't sleep with any pillows. And he can be very restless in his sleep. I remember Horus telling me about his constant nightmares and constant wriggling in his sleep.
- Mephiston - I don't know what your strength is like, but this guy has a stupidly high toughness and crazy-good abilities so be careful. He's getting a bit too close to heretical for my liking though...
- Lady Gwen of Cadia - She's been spreading nasty rumours about my in-bed-ability. However, I've never seen her actually asleep in the bed, although I have seen her bed a lot if you know what I mean? eh? eh?

Any others I will leave to your discretion though. I have given the same list to the Broken Bottle dudes too. And the Officio Choke-on-chestnut has recieved a similar list so work fast...

Yours Forgetfully,
Emps.

---------------------------------------------------

Dear Mr Emperor Sir,
We sincerely apologise but your latest shipment of 'Thy-holiest-gold-plated-toilet-throne-paper' has been lost in transit. We believe it to be the result of those darned Eldar raiders who are back on the scene after a long absence.
Another package has just been shipped containing 'Slightly-less-holy-than-Thy-holiest-gold-plated-toilet-throne-paper-toilet-throne-paper' however we cannot guarantee it will arrive before your existing 'Thy-holiest-gold-plated-toilet-throne-paper' stockpile runs out.
Once again, we sincerly apologise for any complications and can only hope that recently dispatched 'Slightly-less-holy-than-Thy-holiest-gold-plated-toilet-throne-paper-toilet-throne-paper' arrives in time. I would advise eating less in the current period to ensure a continious supply of 'Thy-holiest-gold-plated-toilet-throne-paper'; I hope you didn't eat too many Sprouts or Prunes over Kwansaa.

Yours Humble Servant,
Jimmy Mcbogroll.
C.E. of Golden-throne-bog-roll-Thy-holiest-gold-plated-toilet-throne-paper-Slightly-less-holy-than-Thy-holiest-gold-plated-toilet-throne-paper-toilet-throne-paper-and-most-heretical-thorny-toilet-paper.

Dear Space Emperor,

Why was the Dakka-memes thread locked without a mod posting something suitably classy and bringing it to a close at the same time?

Your Humble Servant, Battle Brother Lucifer

battle Brother Lucifer wrote:Dear Space Emperor,

Why was the Dakka-memes thread locked without a mod posting something suitably classy and bringing it to a close at the same time?

Your Humble Servant, Battle Brother Lucifer

Dear Battle brother Lucifer,

I always like to keep contact with the Overseers of my fanboards. So, when your ''Mods'' alerted me of a supposed rebel uprising being planned in the
''Dakka Memes Thread'' I decided that these Dakkaites Overthrowing Oppresive Mods blah blah must be exterminated ruthlessly.

Due to the danger posed by these heretics, who are at the moment busy invading Lichtenstein, I used my psychic powers and wiped the thread from existence.
The thread you see lingering in the OT forum is merely a shrivelled husk, its soul having been sucked into the Warp.

Yours Truly,

Teh Space Emporer
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My Emperor,

Why is the Bloodthirster wearing a thong?

Mr.Cultist

Ediin wrote:
My Emperor,

Why is the Bloodthirster wearing a thong?

Mr.Cultist

Bulge for the bulge throne, thrusts for the thrust god my dear cultist. Is it not clear that the thong is a form of Psychological warfare and blasphemous intent.
It's OK though my dear cultist, my Space Marines know no fear and if anything, the sight of this Blood Thirsters thong only causes them to stand to attention...

Sincerley, Emps.

----------------------------------

Dear Mr Space Emporer,

After a long, in-depth conversation with my attorney's, we have decided that I will be suing you for gross misconduct and failure to prevent harm in the work-place.
I have had a long, suffering life as the result of your inadequacies and misconduct and now I will be suing you for everything you have.

The court date is set for exactly three cycles from now. I shall see you there. Please bring some baby oil also, as I will be giving you a spanking!

Yours Sincerley,

Lion'el Jonson.

Dear Lion'el Jonson,

You're grounded.


Yours mischievously,
Dad



Dear Big E,

I have been a very good Space Marine in the last ten thousand years; killing all my enemies without any remorse or mercy, and I have grown unstoppa-very powerful.

Trillions of worshippers of the false diety have died in my name and by my blade. The heretics who bow before the God of Rot and Decay will all soon be dead.

So, I was wondering if you'd be as beneficient as to leave a giant shipment of MK7 Power Armor, 25362681353290674857235326279683267430674289735Bolter rounds, some Thunder Hammers and Land Raiders and a few Titans in the Cadian Gate. Some STCs wouldn't go amiss either.

I just feel my men and I should be rewarded for our services for the true Lords of mankind.

Yours expectently,
Abad T. De Spoiler

Darkvoidof40k wrote:Dear Big E,

I have been a very good Space Marine in the last ten thousand years; killing all my enemies without any remorse or mercy, and I have grown unstoppa-very powerful.

Trillions of worshippers of the false diety have died in my name and by my blade. The heretics who bow before the God of Rot and Decay will all soon be dead.

So, I was wondering if you'd be as beneficient as to leave a giant shipment of MK7 Power Armor, 25362681353290674857235326279683267430674289735Bolter rounds, some Thunder Hammers and Land Raiders and a few Titans in the Cadian Gate. Some STCs wouldn't go amiss either.

I just feel my men and I should be rewarded for our services for the true Lords of mankind.

Yours expectently,
Abad T. De Spoiler

Dear Mr Spoiler,
I can most certainly provide you with those resources, they shall help to eradicate the heretic and purge the traitorous. These new resources being sent your way should help destroyer anyone who believes in a false god and crush their enemies beneath their treads...

If you guys all want to stand out in the open to receive such goodies, that'd be great. As a slight complication however, this Mark 7 Power Armour I am sending you will already be manned and painted in a combination of blue and yellow.
Furthermore, the Land Raiders I am sending you will also be Blue and driven by some some of the blue guys in Mark 7 Power Armour. They will all be carrying the Bolter rounds you requested too and the Thunder Hammers will be hand delivered (along with some bonus storm shields) inside the Land Raiders by some more guys in blue!
Also, these resources I'm sending you may be embellished with a large, white 'U'. This simply stands for 'U are welcome to this goodies'.

Hope you enjoy.
Yours Omnisciently, the Big E.

-------------------------

Dear Mr Emperor,

I was wondering if you could possibly, kindly, pretty please, change the underwear us Guardsmen are forced to wear. Whilst I can under-stand the need to cut costs and the easy-of-production and undeniable quality of the Flak Armour, I sometimes worry these cost-saving practices are going too far?

The Catachans for example all wear vests! Presumably that's to save money produce flak armour and sleeves? Obviously I don't doubt your intelligence or authority, it's just I fear the new underwear we Guardsmen must wear is a bit... much.Well, less actually.

I'm really struggling to fight the Orks at the moment as this banana-hammock I'm having to wear is really uncomfortable; it keeps riding up and ruining my shot. I can understand the efficiency in that these banana-hammocks reduce costs, but our morale is down and if a man can't be comfortable in his underwear, then how is he supposed to purge the Orks from Imperial Planets?
Any assistance in this regard would be much appreciated Mr Emperor. The Commissars provide some of the men 'special' assistance is it is, but if you could sort out these regulation-issue banana-hammocks that would be great.

Yours uncomfortably,
Guardsmen C. Klein.

Dear Mr. Klien,

We do not have enough funds to replace all of your underwear, unfortunately. We are referring you to your local Commissar HR department. They should shoot- Er, sort things out.

Dear Mr. Emperor,

Do the Blood Angels sparkle? If so, can I write a story about how a Blood Angel falls in love with a female guardsmen and then must choose between him and a Space wolf?

- Insane in Ingo 5356

Dear ingo 5356

NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dear Mr. emperor,

When will the DFS sale end?

Mr Meatballs wrote:
Dear Mr. emperor,

When will the DFS sale end?

Hrm, by DFS I assume you mean Death Frenzy Swords, the 4th largest maker of power swords on the outer rim. THeir sale ends Sunday night at midnight.

Now is that really something you needed to bother your omnipotent and vengeful divine Space Emporer with? Luckily I have some very 'inquisitive' guys who can find out.

You'll be hearing from them soon.

The Emp!

=====================================

Dear The Space Emporer of Space!

DUUUUDE! I've like been so busy lately carving my name into the hearts of Angron, Fulgrim, Mortarion and Magnus I like TOTALLY forgot to thank you for the NEW CODEX! It's like RADICALLY EXTREME! I mean we got Dreadnaughts, Dreadknights, Storm Ravens, personal teleporters, chrome armor, the whole nine yards!

THe only thing is... we gotta talk about the name.

I mean GREY Knights? What? Were the Beige Battalions taken? SO I was thinking maybe we could be...

BHUM BHUM BHUM

The RADICAL AWESOMARINES!

What do you say?

Grand Master Draigo
Of the RADICAL AWESOMARINES!

Dear The Space Emporer of Space!

DUUUUDE! I've like been so busy lately carving my name into the hearts of Angron, Fulgrim, Mortarion and Magnus I like TOTALLY forgot to thank you for the NEW CODEX! It's like RADICALLY EXTREME! I mean we got Dreadnaughts, Dreadknights, Storm Ravens, personal teleporters, chrome armor, the whole nine yards!

THe only thing is... we gotta talk about the name.

I mean GREY Knights? What? Were the Beige Battalions taken? SO I was thinking maybe we could be...

BHUM BHUM BHUM

The RADICAL AWESOMARINES!

What do you say?

Grand Master Draigo
Of the RADICAL AWESOMARINES!

Dear Grand Master Flash,

Many centuries ago I followed your adventures with the Wheels of Steel. The Message, White Lines; those were the days!

What happened to Melle Mel in the end?

Still, enough nostalgia, time to get back to business.

As you know, by sacred tradition my Chapters of Spase Marines have always been named for a distinctive colour that forms part of their heraldry; White Scars, Ultramarines, Black Templars and so on.

The problem is that we ran out of colours a long time ago. What with the bad state of the economy and budget cuts and everything, we’ve had to start naming Chapters for their sponsor companies. You may have heard of the Seibu Lions, for example, or the Cold Stone Creamers.

Anyway, there is already a Chapter sponsored by a galactic hotel chain. Your proposed name “Radical Marines” is just too close to the already well known Radisson Marines to allow you to use it for your new Chapter.

On the plus side, we were able to find one colour that has never been used, so you can have the honour of being the last ever Space Marines to be named in the traditional manner. It will also save on paint costs.


Keep up the good work!


Teh Space Emp.



Dear Galactic Overlord,

No doubt you are as rivetted as all of us following this century’s Galactic Cup Cricketball 50-50 competition. As a resident of Holy Terra, you must be disappointed at the fairly lacklustre performance of your home team.

Based on your extensive Cricketballing experience, what advice would you give the team for their next match?

Yours in Sport,


Leatheron Willow

Kilkrazy wrote:

Dear Galactic Overlord,

No doubt you are as rivetted as all of us following this century’s Galactic Cup Cricketball 50-50 competition. As a resident of Holy Terra, you must be disappointed at the fairly lacklustre performance of your home team.

Based on your extensive Cricketballing experience, what advice would you give the team for their next match?

Yours in Sport,


Leatheron Willow

Dear Leatheron Willow

To be the best player you can, and to be a good sport.
Sincerely, The Emp.

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Dear Emperor,
How do you take a crap?
Obviously you can't get up and use the space-john, is that golden "throne" of yours also a toilet as I always hear from the guys in my squad?
And how do you even wipe?!?!?

Sincerely, Garadon Seculus of the Catachan 97th platoon.

Warlord Gazghkull Thraka wrote:

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Emperor,
How do you take a crap?
Obviously you can't get up and use the space-john, is that golden "throne" of yours also a toilet as I always hear from the guys in my squad?
And how do you even wipe?!?!?

Sincerely, Garadon Seculus of the Catachan 97th platoon.

My humble servant,

I do say, of all the things you could've asked, you had to- wait a minute... Are you the same waste-obsessed Guardsman that put that burning bag of dog feces at the front gate of the Imperial Palace? Do you have ANY IDEA how long it takes to get one of my servants to walk there and stomp it out!? ANY IDEA AT ALL? I mean, this bloody palace is the size of England! Imagine walking from Edinburgh to London. And not just in a straight line. There're stairs, and Elevators, and Stair-Elevators... And lots of poorly lit hallways covered in Gothic Murals and Grimdark Skulls...

Yeesh... I really need to redecorate...

...Huh. Anyway, the point is THAT IT TOOK A REALLY, REALLY LONG TIME TO GET THERE! It wasn't nice, and back when I was a lad, we got the paddle for those kinds of shenannigans! You kids these days have it so darn easy!

Anyway, I'd love to keep yelling at you, but I forgot why I was angry. Plus, it's time for my afternoon snack. 10,000 psykers aren't going to eat themselves!

Forgetting where he left his slippers,

The Space Emperor.




Dear Space Emperor...

How in your name did the Grey Knights get away with creating something as heretical as the Dreadknight!? For one, it has ROUNDED PANELS! ROUNDED! Where are our 90 and 45 degree angles? This armour plating is smooth, like the armour used by those prancing bum-humping Eldar! And the complete lack of rivets is -surely- a mistake! How do those panels hold themselves in place without our archaic method of using way too many rivets!?

Sorely disappointed,

Enginseer Bob.

metallifan wrote:
Dear Space Emperor...

How in your name did the Grey Knights get away with creating something as heretical as the Dreadknight!? For one, it has ROUNDED PANELS! ROUNDED! Where are our 90 and 45 degree angles? This armour plating is smooth, like the armour used by those prancing bum-humping Eldar! And the complete lack of rivets is -surely- a mistake! How do those panels hold themselves in place without our archaic method of using way too many rivets!?

Sorely disappointed,

Enginseer Bob.

Dear Enginseer Bob,

It is not your place to question the will of the Holy Inquisition , nor its chamber militant and its tactics. If you have a complaint, perhaps you would like to take it up with one of these new "Dreadknights". While I have no idea what you're talking about, being the rotting carcass on a discoloured chair in a gloomy room filled with cobwebs, it has "Dread" in it, which makes it sound like Dreadnought. Dreadnought's are awesome, no?

Sincerely, Big E


P.S. - If you must know, it's all secretly a conspiracy and the Grey Knights are working for the Eldar with an ulterior motive of destroying Slaanesh ubove all else.



(edit: Forgot my own letter.. )

Dear his Holy Mightiness, the Most Beneficient and Beloved Emperor of Mankind,

Why in the name of your own throne did you let Horus do so much damage to you? He was quite clearly a complete son of a **** who liked to **** ** *** with his ***** while **** ** *********.

Furthermore, ******! And he killed Sanguinius - May his nipples rest in peace. Horus destroyed most of your empire, pretty much made it inevitable that humanity will be extinct in another few thousand years, AND killed one of your sons right infront of you. Yet you still didn't care enough to kill him on the spot. One lonely Guardsman who was a Terminator but not maybe, had to walk in and get eaten by Horus' hand before you cared enough to KILL HORUS. You let him turn your flesh into sludge and boil your blood, but you didn't kill him until one more soul was claimed by Horus.

Yours fumingly,
The Sanguinor.