Forum adverts like this one are shown to any user who is not logged in. Join us by filling out a tiny 3 field form and you will get your own, free, dakka user account which gives a good range of benefits to you: No adverts like this in the forums anymore. Times and dates in your local timezone. Full tracking of what you have read so you can skip to your first unread post, easily see what has changed since you last logged in, and easily see what is new at a glance. Email notifications for threads you want to watch closely. Being a part of the oldest wargaming community on the net. If you are already a member then feel free to login now.

CT GAMER wrote:

Frazzled wrote:

assultmarine wrote:while the topic of defending yourself from zombie/aliens/girls has come many, many times, the topic of your actual home invasion plan hasnt come up in my
three or so years of dakka i havent heard seen one.
so dakka, heres the scenario,
your in bed, its a normal night, your wife/partner/teddy is beside you in bed sound asleep, your awake.
you hear a sound from your hall, you see shadows on the wall.
what do you do?
whats your weapon of choice? do you have an accessable weapon? how do you defend your family?

Either:
1. Kill them. Kill them all!
or
2. sleep through it.

I am envisioning someone kicking open your door only to be bowled over and devoured by a frenzied swarm of weiner dogs...

Well technically, the swarm of wiener dogs is kept downstairs. You have to give the BG a good 45 seconds before they manage to find their way out of their burrow of blankets, and then its flying kamikaze death machine TEETH coming high and low (ok who am I kidding, mostly low). Unless of course, its cold in which case, the wieners aren't going to move. They likes them some comfort.

Additionally there are lots of traps about. Enter the teenager's room (which has its own air conditioner now) and you'll freeze in place. Enter GC's room and you''ll be trapped in space and time by THE COLOSSAL MESS. If you get past THE COLOSSAL MESS you'll suddenly find yourself dancing like the Masque of Slaanesh to whatever music she's just turned on.
Make it past the wiener dogs into our room upstairs (and you will be known as this house is like the creaky antidote to ninjas), and then you'll be dealt with by the cranky wife (because you just woke her up-THOUS SHALT NOT DISTURB SHE WHO MUST BE OBEYED). Pray she only shoots you...

Between the dogs and the sound Mr Mossberg makes as I work the pump to get the first round chambered I would assume the typical x-box grabbing crap bag will unass the property quickly.

The dogs (5 of 'em) are not super viscious by any means, but they are loud. The bull terrier may bite, but mostly because she attacks what she is scared of (ask the vacuum).

I on the other hand can be vicious if I need to.

corpsesarefun wrote:I barricade my door and hope for the best, the only weaponry in my home (other than my thermite) is kept in the garage which is impractical to get to in the case of a home invasion.

Thinking about it my didgeridoo could do some damage to someones head if there was room to swing it...

wait wait wait, lets back that train up. "other than my thermite," HOLY color me impressed. Plus, if needed you can burn out things from another world from blocks of ice, starting hours of hilarious antics.


Automatically Appended Next Post:

Howard A Treesong wrote:I guess any country awash with guns means you need them when a person breaks in because of the likelihood of them being armed. Violent burglaries are very uncommon in the UK. Most burglars run off if they heard the owner get up.


By the way, I'm not totally against gun ownership, it's the idea of keeping one loaded right next to the bed I think is excessive.

We also have something called 'home invasions' now. Thats why I keep my wiener dogs half cocked at all times.


Automatically Appended Next Post:

Howard A Treesong wrote:It's common sense to at least keep a gun unloaded when not in use.

An unloaded gun is just a two lb paperweight.


Automatically Appended Next Post:

Howard A Treesong wrote:Look, even the NRA say you shouldn't load a gun until you're ready to use it. So what do I know?

Please provide the link. At one time the NRA was saying such for legal reasons, but there actual training courses were...different.


Automatically Appended Next Post:

FITZZ wrote:
...Well...that and you certainly don't want to catch your Mom in a bear trap...or catapult your siblings out of a window.

Why not? Sounds like a plan to me...

O got a khukri in my wardrobe, but I prefer the carpenter's hammer I have on my nightstand.

giving people a tap on the head is preferred to seeing said head rolling around on the floor, after all.

Keeping a loaded revolver or something within arm's reach is perfectly acceptable. Sure most people hope they'll never have to use them-- hope for the best, prepare for the worst, etc.

Private_Joker wrote:No plan survives contact with the enemy.

Wait, is KILL! MAIM! BURN! a plan? I say, if its good enough for elementary school, its good enough now.

I live in a rented house so I would like to avoid using thermite as a weapon

Claymores and tripwires should do the trick.

No I own a Claymore, and I can tell you, hallways and ceilings just arnt tall/big enough to swing it. Unless you live outside, its a pretty impractical weapon for home defense


Automatically Appended Next Post:
But it would certainly get the job done if you connected with someone. I cleaved my old computer desk in 2 the other day before setting it out to the trash. One of those "I saw it on youtube once" things and just had to try it

I believe when he said claymore he meant the anti personnel mine.
It surprises me the number of people here who have swords as part of their home defense plan. Then I remembered I was on Dakka.

It's not part of my defense plan so much as it is sharp metal within easy access and I don't yet have my own personal gun.

There was a show on youtube called Human Weapon, they interviewed a krav maga teacher whom said something to the effect of: "if you have a knife, stab them, if you have a gun, shoot them, if you're out of bullets take your gun and hit them in the face, if you have a pencil stab them in the eye", which is pretty much my view of self defense at home...

As a person who just played "Orcs must die" for 12ish hours...

I would go with brimstone and spike traps on the floor with arrow traps on the walls. For the ceiling I would go with auto balista's and I would place a dozen or so paladins around my bed.

I wouldn't mind a blade at my hip, although the houses in the UK are barely large enough to swing a cat in (untested by me, but we do have some of the smallest homes in the developed world), so i'd have to chase them outside.

I did have a dream a few weeks back that I heard robbers, my brother was downstairs holding them off at the front door, I donned my trusty dressing gown, pulled the lid off the wicker laundry basket and put my arm through the handle to turn it into a makeshift shield, ran downstairs and grabbed the long carving knife, and went outside where my brother was lying in the dirt with a guy with knife standing over him. I manage to meet his knife attack with the carving knife, and smack the side of his elbow with the basket lid shield, trip him up with a swift sweep of my leg, and plunge my carving knife into his heart all epic-movie-hero style. I then picked up his knife, and threw it at the second guy who was running away, catching him square in the back of the head.

When I woke up, I first thought how cool it'd be to have it happen, then remembered a few things:

A) My brother would be stabbed and not able to hold them off for long enough.
B) I would be outnumbered and by far the weakest person there.
C) I doubt i'd even be able to get down the stairs before they had me.
D) I'd likely be arrested for murder of at least the last guy.

Still, a man can dream of his ideal home invasion, right?

Frazzled wrote:Automatically Appended Next Post:

Howard A Treesong wrote:Look, even the NRA say you shouldn't load a gun until you're ready to use it. So what do I know?

Please provide the link.

Okay.

3. ALWAYS keep the gun unloaded until ready to use.ALWAYS keep the gun unloaded until ready to use.

http://www.nrahq.org/education/guide.asp

Well, I prefer Non-Lethal weapons, I have a thing against serving 20 to life.


but if you are really desperate, just put punji sticks inside every window.

ineptus astartes wrote:Well, I prefer Non-Lethal weapons, I have a thing against serving 20 to life.


but if you are really desperate, just put punji sticks inside every window.

Regrettably if they live through it, chances are they could sue you. They could DEFINITELY sue you if they impale themselves trying to get through your window on punji sticks.

Howard A Treesong wrote:

Frazzled wrote:Automatically Appended Next Post:

Howard A Treesong wrote:Look, even the NRA say you shouldn't load a gun until you're ready to use it. So what do I know?

Please provide the link.

Okay.

3. ALWAYS keep the gun unloaded until ready to use.ALWAYS keep the gun unloaded until ready to use.

http://www.nrahq.org/education/guide.asp

I see methinks it does not mean what you think it means.

3. ALWAYS keep the gun unloaded until ready to use.Whenever you pick up a gun, immediately engage the safety device if possible, and, if the gun has a magazine, remove it before opening the action and looking into the chamber(s) which should be clear of ammunition. If you do not know how to open the action or inspect the chamber(s), leave the gun alone and get help from someone who does.

Ready to use means ready for its use. Cocked and locked is when its ready for its use. The context noted is for practicing/shooting, not a home defense situation. If you're taking your pistol to the range you would indeed keep it unloaded until you're at the bench on a hot range.

I have a sharp Samurai sword next to my bed, I would stare at my cell phone for 30 seconds to adjust my eyes to bright light, then quickly flick the lights on in the hall, momentarily blinding my burglar attackers as their vision has not fully adjusted to the darkness.

I would swiftly as possible leap into the hall then cleave the largest/most well armed assailant with a downwards and diagonal motion from clavicle through sternum. Human bodies are tough gristly things however, so my blade would likely become stuck in his body. Expecting this scenario, In one swift movement I would release my grip on my sword, sweep up the weapon my attacker has dropped and use it to despatch his comrade.

Then I would put the kettle on obviously....

After a nice cup of rosy, I would cruelly dismember the bodies in my bathtub to remove excess blood, wrap the parts in old newspaper and put them into my military bergan. Using this, I could pretend I was merely going walking, head onto the local moors and in a very desolate place, dig a large hole with my foldaway shovel and toss the parts in.

Then I would come home, make some crumpets and watch the Queens speech on television and make love to my beautiful girlfriend.

.......................


Or lock the door and phone the police obviously.

mattyrm wrote: I have a sharp Samurai sword next to my bed, I would stare at my cell phone for 30 seconds to adjust my eyes to bright light, then quickly flick the lights on in the hall, momentarily blinding my burglar attackers as their vision has not fully adjusted to the darkness.

I would swiftly as possible leap into the hall then cleave the largest/most well armed assailant with a downwards and diagonal motion from clavicle through sternum. Human bodies are tough gristly things however, so my blade would likely become stuck in his body. Expecting this scenario, In one swift movement I would release my grip on my sword, sweep up the weapon my attacker has dropped and use it to despatch his comrade.

Then I would put the kettle on obviously....

After a nice cup of rosy, I would cruelly dismember the bodies in my bathtub to remove excess blood, wrap the parts in old newspaper and put them into my military bergan. Using this, I could pretend I was merely going walking, head onto the local moors and in a very desolate place, dig a large hole with my foldaway shovel and toss the parts in.

Then I would come home, make some crumpets and watch the Queens speech on television and make love to my beautiful girlfriend.

.......................


Or lock the door and phone the police obviously.

As if anyone would feth with you. Just rivet a sign to the door that says "BEWARE OF THE MATTY" with a characterture of yourself beneath it.

mattyrm wrote:Or lock the door and phone the police obviously.

I recall hearing a story about some women that had someone break into her house. I imagine she had been taught to call the police and leave everything up to them. Well, she called them, and because the police were 5 or so minutes away, and the burglar was 5 or so seconds away, the burglar got to her first and killed her. I think too many people get the impression that you call the police first instead of calling them when it's most convenient (as in not calling them when you're unarmed and someone is making their way to you).

Not implying that you would wait for the police to come to do something about the situation.

mattyrm wrote: I have a sharp Samurai sword next to my bed, I would stare at my cell phone for 30 seconds to adjust my eyes to bright light, then quickly flick the lights on in the hall, momentarily blinding my burglar attackers as their vision has not fully adjusted to the darkness.

I would swiftly as possible leap into the hall then cleave the largest/most well armed assailant with a downwards and diagonal motion from clavicle through sternum. Human bodies are tough gristly things however, so my blade would likely become stuck in his body. Expecting this scenario, In one swift movement I would release my grip on my sword, sweep up the weapon my attacker has dropped and use it to despatch his comrade.

Then I would put the kettle on obviously....

After a nice cup of rosy, I would cruelly dismember the bodies in my bathtub to remove excess blood, wrap the parts in old newspaper and put them into my military bergan. Using this, I could pretend I was merely going walking, head onto the local moors and in a very desolate place, dig a large hole with my foldaway shovel and toss the parts in.

Then I would come home, make some crumpets and watch the Queens speech on television and make love to my beautiful girlfriend.

.......................


Or lock the door and phone the police obviously.

Come on, after all that dismembering business, you've earned at least some fish and chips and a nice beer no? After all dismembering might make you break a sweat.

Necroshea wrote:

mattyrm wrote:Or lock the door and phone the police obviously.

I recall hearing a story about some women that had someone break into her house. I imagine she had been taught to call the police and leave everything up to them. Well, she called them, and because the police were 5 or so minutes away, and the burglar was 5 or so seconds away, the burglar got to her first and killed her. I think too many people get the impression that you call the police first instead of calling them when it's most convenient (as in not calling them when you're unarmed and someone is making their way to you).

Not implying that you would wait for the police to come to do something about the situation.

Yeah but surely a home invasion is about theft, not cold blooded murder?

The best thing a woman can do is barricade the door with her bed, phone the police, and then let them steal things. They aren't going to waste time trying to break a door down if the Po po are on the way 99.9% of the time surely?! And lots of civilians get killed with their own firearms because they bottle it when it comes to slotting people.

Im sure any law enforcement professional would advise calling the police and then locking/barricading your door over MORTAL KOMBAT.

Necroshea wrote:

mattyrm wrote:Or lock the door and phone the police obviously.

I recall hearing a story about some women that had someone break into her house. I imagine she had been taught to call the police and leave everything up to them. Well, she called them, and because the police were 5 or so minutes away, and the burglar was 5 or so seconds away, the burglar got to her first and killed her. I think too many people get the impression that you call the police first instead of calling them when it's most convenient (as in not calling them when you're unarmed and someone is making their way to you).

Not implying that you would wait for the police to come to do something about the situation.

Well, generally you're taught call the police and shout it out (so the operator on 9-11 can hear) "I HAVE A GUN AND AM IN FEAR FOR MY LIFE!" Now if you're Matty you make this call after you've gone samurai sword Jake Pulp Fiction, but it serves the same purpose.

In our situation, if SWMBO has not already terminated the threat with extreme predjudice for waking her up, she has a view of the rooms upstairs and then an Alamo location. Training is that she is to call 9-11, put the phone on the ground but leave on and state her location and the above phrase. And because of the fun of a previous stalker she is to blow anything coming up the stairs to hell and gone twice over without batting an eye, especially if its said stalker. I'll note that the locations are such that she will not run out of ammo and has other, even bigger firearms that are cocked and locked, including items that will deal with any body armor that a civilian can acquire.

We also have different but similar plans if I am there with her, but that includes something about rocket propelled chainsaws....

Frazzled wrote:

Come on, after all that dismembering business, you've earned at least some fish and chips and a nice beer no? After all dismembering might make you break a sweat.

Aye I suppose so, too large a meal may impact on my normally epic sexual performance however.

I once had fish and chips before going on the job and I got a terrible stitch.


Automatically Appended Next Post:

Frazzled wrote:

Necroshea wrote:

mattyrm wrote:Or lock the door and phone the police obviously.

I recall hearing a story about some women that had someone break into her house. I imagine she had been taught to call the police and leave everything up to them. Well, she called them, and because the police were 5 or so minutes away, and the burglar was 5 or so seconds away, the burglar got to her first and killed her. I think too many people get the impression that you call the police first instead of calling them when it's most convenient (as in not calling them when you're unarmed and someone is making their way to you).

Not implying that you would wait for the police to come to do something about the situation.

Well, generally you're taught call the police and shout it out (so the operator on 9-11 can hear) "I HAVE A GUN AND AM IN FEAR FOR MY LIFE!" Now if you're Matty you make this call after you've gone samurai sword Jake Pulp Fiction, but it serves the same purpose.

Yeah I meant that was advice for normal people though Frazz, and women in particular.

Not blood thirsty fethers like me.

mattyrm wrote:Yeah but surely a home invasion is about theft, not cold blooded murder?

I really don't recall the specifics, but I guess he broke in, heard her calling the police, and decided to off her before she explained the situation? Who knows. Also, nothing wrong with a little MORTAL KOMBAT every now and again, except when your opponent spams bullets. Those things are so OP.

Well, the thing is, I would do this.


hear noise.

get out of bed and pick up hammer.

sneak downstairs in the dark.

laugh evilly in my mind. put on a maniacal grin. (I believe that looking and acting like a career killer is going to cause any thieves to crap themselves. it helps to think like the too.)

sneak up behind them.

scream and laugh while bludgeoning them into a stupor/coma/a bloody pulp. whichever comes first.

if they are uncontiouse:

hogtie them up.

lock them in the downstairs bathroom (just one toilet and a shower head)

get the neighbors.

celebrate vigilante law of Nepal. (A burglar in my village was once tied down, heir pulled out, pins stuck under his nails and chucked in a well here.

if they have left the land of the berthing and upright.

wrap up the body in some biodegradable stuff.

slightly change my features (fake mustache or something)

bring the body down to the river:

A: claim i was his only relative and burn it (Custom here)

B: wrap it in chicken, weigh it down with cinderblocks, fling it into the river and let eh fish and crabs have their way with it.

mattyrm wrote:

Frazzled wrote:

Come on, after all that dismembering business, you've earned at least some fish and chips and a nice beer no? After all dismembering might make you break a sweat.

Aye I suppose so, too large a meal may impact on my normally epic sexual performance however.

I once had fish and chips before going on the job and I got a terrible stitch.

Ah, gotcha, sandwich after after.

Some things to remember about home defense in America anyways. Never EVER attack/shoot them from behind. cannot stress that one enough, unless you think going to prison for assault or murder sounds like fun. If you end up shooting/stabbing/attacking the criminal, try (I say this only because its very hard to show restraint in a stressful situation like this, when you and your family is in danger) not to go overboard with the defense. If you shoot them 15 times, chances are, your going to prison. If you stab them 12 times and then cut their throat, your going to prison. If they can prove you shot them once, and then executed them with a tap to the head or similar, your going to prison.

Also, if you injure the person in question, weather stabbing, shooting whatever, at least try to help them while calling the police. Meaning, give them a tower or something for the wound and so on. It shows that you were simply defending yourself and your property and that you werent trying to cause unnecessary harm to them. That can go a long ways in your defense when the police are looking at it.


My oldest brother was in his car in a parking lot a few years ago, and some guy came up, stuck a gun in his face and said give me your car. He said ok let me unbuckle and its yours. What the guy didnt know, was while he was unbuckling he was also unholstering his gun. When he got out of the car, my brother slapped the guys arm to the side he was hold the gun with and shot him 3 times in the stomach. He kicked the dudes gun away, and called the police. While on the phone with the police, he took his jacket off (in the winter even) and told the guy to hold is as hard as he could to stop the bleeding. The police/ambulance got there, took the guy away, and my brother was never in fear of being charged with anything because he did it by the book.

Might want to keep those things in mind.

Well of course you help them.


here though...

you can go to town...

KingCracker wrote:Some things to remember about home defense in America anyways. Never EVER attack/shoot them from behind. cannot stress that one enough, unless you think going to prison for assault or murder sounds like fun. If you end up shooting/stabbing/attacking the criminal, try (I say this only because its very hard to show restraint in a stressful situation like this, when you and your family is in danger) not to go overboard with the defense. If you shoot them 15 times, chances are, your going to prison. If you stab them 12 times and then cut their throat, your going to prison. If they can prove you shot them once, and then executed them with a tap to the head or similar, your going to prison.

Also, if you injure the person in question, weather stabbing, shooting whatever, at least try to help them while calling the police. Meaning, give them a tower or something for the wound and so on. It shows that you were simply defending yourself and your property and that you werent trying to cause unnecessary harm to them. That can go a long ways in your defense when the police are looking at it.


My oldest brother was in his car in a parking lot a few years ago, and some guy came up, stuck a gun in his face and said give me your car. He said ok let me unbuckle and its yours. What the guy didnt know, was while he was unbuckling he was also unholstering his gun. When he got out of the car, my brother slapped the guys arm to the side he was hold the gun with and shot him 3 times in the stomach. He kicked the dudes gun away, and called the police. While on the phone with the police, he took his jacket off (in the winter even) and told the guy to hold is as hard as he could to stop the bleeding. The police/ambulance got there, took the guy away, and my brother was never in fear of being charged with anything because he did it by the book.

Might want to keep those things in mind.

Stop making sense, we need more internet tough guy!