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Granted. You hate doing nothing.

I wish to have a pet rat ogre.

Granted. It only loves and trusts you, which means you're the one who has to feed it garbage, and shovel out its pen.

I wish Craigslist didn't exist.

Granted. Craigslist was the only source that could legally sell toilet paper.

I wish I had bionic limbs.

Granted. They are too strong for your natural torso so rip off and leave you as a stump.

I wish I could speak multiple languages

Granted. In addition to English, you are fluent in Latin and Sengalese, in addition to Yiddish.

I wish to bring joy and happiness to all.

Granted. But you cannot bring joy to yourself, and you slowly become bitter and hateful. Everyone gets a real kick out of it too, and it makes them even happier to see you so frustrated.

I wish life weren't so fleeting.

Granted. It lasts for thousands of years, but your perception of time speeds up so it still feels the same length.

I wish I was a carnifex

Granted, you become a Carnifex and then you are killed nearly instantly by some Sphess Muhreens

I wish I had some nice, fresh cheese

Granted but you use it all making cheeseburgers in ransom for a hilly piece of property.

I wish for some more buildings to paint.

Granted. After an truly embarrassing incident at the zoo, the Chicago City Council tells you to paint old derelict buildings around town as part of your community service.

I wish I hadn't dropped two light bulbs trying to change a light.

Granted. You dropped two light bulbs while trying to learn how to juggle.

I wish I could juggle.

Granted. You drop 2 light bulbs learning how to juggle.

I wish dieting to keep in shape wasn't so restrictive.

Granted. Dieting to lose weight gets less restrictive the more exercise you do.

I wish I could juggle light bulbs without breaking any.

Granted. You drop huge boulders on your feet instead.

I wish bones didn't break. Like at all.

Granted. Your bones no longer break but they continue growing forever, beyond the capability of your skin to hold it. You end up a giant bone monster with a heart beating in the middle. Old ladies faint.

I wish servers didn't crash.

Granted. Serving staff never crash into each other anymore, although they do still occasionally spill a drink.

I wish to go to the Big Rock Candy Mountains.

Granted, you are caught in a rock candy storm while you are there; however, and you are badly injured

I wish to go to Disney land

Granted, you are caught in a Goofy storm while you are there and are deeply embarrassed.

I wish I had control of the Force

Granted. You alone control the Force. Too bad it was just an old wive's tale.

I wish to go to Disneyland.

Granted. You go in mid-July, and after fighting the crowds you got to go on one ride: the teacups.

I wish to go to Disneyworld.

Granted. Everything worthwhile there has been removed and replaced with Disney Character meet & Greets and overpriced alcohol free restaurants, which are all booked solid until long after you have gone home.

I wish for some good hot chicken wings and some beer.

Granted, but you only get 1 wing, and 1 sip of beer. They are extremely overpriced.

I wish for some peace and quiet

Granted. You are buried alive.

I wish to do some traveling.

Granted. You travel the depths of space. Alone. Going not very fast.

I wish for an action sequence.

Granted. An intricate action sequence takes place all around you. You suddenly realize you're the innocent bystander who gets killed to ratchet up the drama.

I wish the booths in Lenny's sub shops were more comfortable.

Granted, they are so comfortable that you refuse to leave, and eventually you have to be tazered by the police and you are dragged to jail

I wish for some nice roast beef

Granted. You get to watch it roast from your seat next to it in the oven.

I wish drivers would pay more attention to the road.

Granted. They constantly pay attention to the road, never taking their eyes off it. Hundreds of thousands of people die in the first day alone.

I wish the rain would hold off for a few more hours.

Granted. A mystical bowl forms above your town/city. After a few hours later, the entire mass of water held in the bowl is released. You can guess what happens next

I wish I could phase through walls.

Granted. You can phase through any imaginary wall you find. You're getting better at paper walls too.

I wish for a better grade of horror movie.