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 Medium of Death wrote:
Sage advice my good man. I'll think about talking about it again, but then as you say she did have an opportunity to do so.

This incident really hit me square in the old feels. Not really sure why.

Mine was exactly the same, mate. I spent a lot of time thinking about why and reached the following conclusion: It's because the dream is over. When you have a crush on someone, you imagine what it would be like to be together, to go out as a couple, you wonder if your friends/family would like her etc. Whilst your crush is undeclared that stuff still exists in potentia - it's still a possibility. Fantasy is seductive, man. It's hard to let go of, and makes you build up that person in your mind, until you almost think you already have a relationship with that person, it just hasn't started yet. Then the bubble bursts. For me it was seeing her with someone else (I believe I mentioned it earlier ITT) - it was almost like seeing your girlfriend walking off with another dude. I actually felt a bit of adrenaline, the first flushes of anger. Except, she wasn't my girlfriend. She wasn't anything to me and didn't owe me a single thing. I'd made my interest clear and she (apart from a drunken kiss which she didn't remember) hadn't taken me up on it. She was clearly not interested. It was all in my head, just a stupid crush. I instantly felt better. I even chuckled to myself and sent her a text complimenting him and wishing her luck.

I'm not saying this girl is definitely not interested in you like, I'd just be prepared for that possibility bro. Sorry to say.

No response. And my dorm mate is thinking about going after her....he said after I told him......although that might be him pushing me. But then again she did say that she gets bad cell reception



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 Albatross wrote:

 Medium of Death wrote:
Sage advice my good man. I'll think about talking about it again, but then as you say she did have an opportunity to do so.

This incident really hit me square in the old feels. Not really sure why.

Mine was exactly the same, mate. I spent a lot of time thinking about why and reached the following conclusion: It's because the dream is over. When you have a crush on someone, you imagine what it would be like to be together, to go out as a couple, you wonder if your friends/family would like her etc. Whilst your crush is undeclared that stuff still exists in potentia - it's still a possibility. Fantasy is seductive, man. It's hard to let go of, and makes you build up that person in your mind, until you almost think you already have a relationship with that person, it just hasn't started yet. Then the bubble bursts. For me it was seeing her with someone else (I believe I mentioned it earlier ITT) - it was almost like seeing your girlfriend walking off with another dude. I actually felt a bit of adrenaline, the first flushes of anger. Except, she wasn't my girlfriend. She wasn't anything to me and didn't owe me a single thing. I'd made my interest clear and she (apart from a drunken kiss which she didn't remember) hadn't taken me up on it. She was clearly not interested. It was all in my head, just a stupid crush. I instantly felt better. I even chuckled to myself and sent her a text complimenting him and wishing her luck.

I'm not saying this girl is definitely not interested in you like, I'd just be prepared for that possibility bro. Sorry to say.

Fantasizing about a girl, imo, is a horrible thing. Because the fantasy is always better with no real hiccups.

 hotsauceman1 wrote:
No response. And my dorm mate is thinking about going after her....he said after I told him......although that might be him pushing me. But then again she did say that she gets bad cell reception

Just wait. Though maybe if the phone reception is bad you should have sent an email?
Anyhow, I guess if she wants to contact you back, she will. So just wait.


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 Peregrine wrote:
Just think about it as something equivalent to "I played a game of 40k this weekend" or "wow the professor in class X is strict, I bet we all failed that test".

You know, I am at some point in life where I am going to say “Damn, the exercise I wrote for that test was apparently too hard for the student, they all got lame grades” rather than the other way around. For three years now I did not have a test, I only wrote and graded tests…
I am only a student by name…

But I got it, I will try to leave a passing reference if the occasion comes out.

Maybe. I just can't help but feel like IM doing it wrong. My buddy said I should have gold her I got my xbox and TV set up. But anytime I talk to her. It goes to video games


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Although I will try to hit her up via email later, see if she wants to do something.

Your buddy sounds like QUITE the Ladies' Man...

Typo. That I shoultdnt have done that. But every time we talk we go to video games and she was happy to hear I was going home to get it.

So, I'm seeing this new girl. We messaged each other for about two weeks before meeting. She is absolutely amazing. Witty, artistic, looks and smells great. London fething accent mate, love it! The date went REALLY well, possibly a little too well. We convinced ourselves to go back to her place but that we wouldn't do anything besides cuddle. Well....

Did I wreck it? I mean, it was really hot and we're definitely compatible on many levels. We are seeing each other again on Thursday, but I don't want her to think that I am just after that. She's a solid catch.

 Barksdale wrote:
So, I'm seeing this new girl. We messaged each other for about two weeks before meeting. She is absolutely amazing. Witty, artistic, looks and smells great. London fething accent mate, love it! The date went REALLY well, possibly a little too well. We convinced ourselves to go back to her place but that we wouldn't do anything besides cuddle. Well....

Did I wreck it? I mean, it was really hot and we're definitely compatible on many levels. We are seeing each other again on Thursday, but I don't want her to think that I am just after that. She's a solid catch.

Awesome. You're golden, just don't overthink it. The time for worrying whether or not you're 'only after one thing' is before she decides to sleep with you. If that was a concern, it's doubtful she would have slept with you. Unless she was only after one thing....

Just go with it!


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Also, my chick has a proper 'street' London accent. It's well sexy innit fam, you get me?

 Barksdale wrote:
So, I'm seeing this new girl. We messaged each other for about two weeks before meeting. She is absolutely amazing. Witty, artistic, looks and smells great. London fething accent mate, love it! The date went REALLY well, possibly a little too well. We convinced ourselves to go back to her place but that we wouldn't do anything besides cuddle. Well....

Did I wreck it? I mean, it was really hot and we're definitely compatible on many levels. We are seeing each other again on Thursday, but I don't want her to think that I am just after that. She's a solid catch.

You won't know if you wrecked it until you are in that stage of a relationship where she will be fully honest with you. Until then, just give it your best shot.

 Barksdale wrote:
So, I'm seeing this new girl. We messaged each other for about two weeks before meeting. She is absolutely amazing. Witty, artistic, looks and smells great. London fething accent mate, love it! The date went REALLY well, possibly a little too well. We convinced ourselves to go back to her place but that we wouldn't do anything besides cuddle. Well....

Did I wreck it? I mean, it was really hot and we're definitely compatible on many levels. We are seeing each other again on Thursday, but I don't want her to think that I am just after that. She's a solid catch.

She agreed to a second date. Unless you believe in some kind of "saving it until marriage" nonsense you're fine. Things may not work out in the end, but it probably won't be because you rushed into sex too quickly.

Cheers guys.

That's exactly what I told her in the morning, not to think too much into it. I guess I should follow my own advice. Really looking forward to date #2 in any case.

Well, I did it. I asked her out via email last night.....
Asked if she wanted to get dinner and a few beers.........

 hotsauceman1 wrote:
Well, I did it. I asked her out via email last night.....
Asked if she wanted to get dinner and a few beers.........

Excellent! And now we wait....

 hotsauceman1 wrote:
Well, I did it. I asked her out via email last night.....
Asked if she wanted to get dinner and a few beers.........

Fingers crossed, young man

So, since the Chinese PhD student from my lab is not interested in going climbing again (apparently it made her arms ache during the week-end. I said that this was pretty normal and only exercising more will give her more endurance, but that did not convince her ), which means I will just have more time to spend with, uh, the other Chinese PhD student from another lab that does come to climbing. I guess this is when you start wondering if I have a fetish on PhD students . I have her number (asked for it before summer break when I was searching for climbing partners when the club was closed, even though we eventually had no occasion to climb together), and we have been eating together after climbing a couple of times now. I would like to propose her to do something else together, maybe on the week-end, but I am not sure what. More climbing? Some movie?

No response so far.
I cant help but wonder if I am going about this all wrong. I have met her 4 times before, on the bus mostly and in the dorms when we played games....
Maybe to hasty. This is so confusing and im out of my element....UGH

 hotsauceman1 wrote:
No response so far.
I cant help but wonder if I am going about this all wrong. I have met her 4 times before, on the bus mostly and in the dorms when we played games....
Maybe to hasty. This is so confusing and im out of my element....UGH

It's been one day. Just calm down and wait.


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 Hybrid Son Of Oxayotl wrote:
I would like to propose her to do something else together, maybe on the week-end, but I am not sure what. More climbing? Some movie?

If she liked climbing then why not go with what has been working? Are you worried about being seen as just a climbing buddy and not a date?

Also, movies are kind of a questionable idea, it's a lot of sitting silently without any real interaction and if you don't both enjoy it (or at least hate it in an entertaining way) it's pretty much wasted time. If you do it make sure that you have something (dinner, climbing, whatever) after the movie so you have a chance to talk about it and turn it into a shared experience instead of just two people who happen to be sitting next to each other. The "dinner and a movie" cliche gets it completely backwards if you're still in the early stages and trying to get to know someone.

 Peregrine wrote:
The "dinner and a movie" cliche gets it completely backwards if you're still in the early stages and trying to get to know someone.

In my experience it's only called "dinner and a movie", and in practice it is in fact movie first and dinner later. The other way around is a waste of a potentially good dinner conversation.

It was a conversation I had with my roomie. He said I'm going about it all wrong, how I have to become friends way before I ask them outl. He says I'm going about it in a high school way

 hotsauceman1 wrote:
It was a conversation I had with my roomie. He said I'm going about it all wrong, how I have to become friends way before I ask them outl. He says I'm going about it in a high school way

I dated two girls predominantly through college. One was a girl I had classes with. She and I were in chemistry together, and she felt enough pity for me to drag me through it, kicking and screaming. The dating didn't start until well after we became friends. Granted, she'd probably not stop to help me if she saw me dying on the side of the road now, but such is life. The second one was a friend from high school. She'd.... also probably not stop to help me.

There've been other female friends I've tried to start relationships with, and then when things go bad, I don't really have the friendship anymore.

Then there was a girl I dated who was a friend of a friend's wife. She stopped talking with my friend's wife and her other friends and tried moving in with me after a few months. Like, literally just tried moving in one day. It was pretty creepy. Anyway though, her friends were pissed and didn't like her, there was drama, it was obnoxious given that we were all far too old for that, so I fixed the issue.

My point is that the old adage "Your best friend is not your girlfriend" is true. If you want a friend, get a friend. If you want a relationship with someone, go for a relationship with someone.


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Also, there's ways to be more informal and less high school about it than "hey you want to go out?" Keep it natural.

 Peregrine wrote:
If she liked climbing then why not go with what has been working? Are you worried about being seen as just a climbing buddy and not a date?

A good question, I had not really thought about why. I guess a bunch of factors. First, practicality, because when we are climbing twice a week already, do we really want to go climbing on week-end, when it means finding another climbing wall, going there, and paying a new fee? The other wall I know is in Paris, so 1 hour to go there, and 15€ per session. We could likely find one closer, though. Maybe the most interesting would be to go outdoor climbing, as it is something really different from what we usually do, but since neither of us has a car, it would not be that easy. Second, climbing does not give that many occasion to discuss, at least if you are doing it seriously: one of us will be on the wall, so focused and likely a bit stressed if above the last hanging point, and the other one will be belaying. You mainly discuss when exchanging roles, and when you are done with climbing, so in this regard, it is kind of like movies.
And then there is maybe a bit of that suggestion of yours.

 Peregrine wrote:
Also, movies are kind of a questionable idea, it's a lot of sitting silently without any real interaction and if you don't both enjoy it (or at least hate it in an entertaining way) it's pretty much wasted time. If you do it make sure that you have something (dinner, climbing, whatever) after the movie so you have a chance to talk about it and turn it into a shared experience instead of just two people who happen to be sitting next to each other. The "dinner and a movie" cliche gets it completely backwards if you're still in the early stages and trying to get to know someone.

No worries here: even if I got it the wrong way of meeting first and then going to the movie, we would still likely have a one hour long ride back from Paris in the same train/subway together . As for enjoying the movie itself, well, that is all about the very tricky point of going to see movies with someone: which movie? I know my tastes tend to be on very niche movies, so…

 Hybrid Son Of Oxayotl wrote:
As for enjoying the movie itself, well, that is all about the very tricky point of going to see movies with someone: which movie? I know my tastes tend to be on very niche movies, so…

May I suggest Swedish Marriage Manual?

 daedalus wrote:

 hotsauceman1 wrote:
It was a conversation I had with my roomie. He said I'm going about it all wrong, how I have to become friends way before I ask them outl. He says I'm going about it in a high school way

I dated two girls predominantly through college. One was a girl I had classes with. She and I were in chemistry together, and she felt enough pity for me to drag me through it, kicking and screaming. The dating didn't start until well after we became friends. Granted, she'd probably not stop to help me if she saw me dying on the side of the road now, but such is life. The second one was a friend from high school. She'd.... also probably not stop to help me.

There've been other female friends I've tried to start relationships with, and then when things go bad, I don't really have the friendship anymore.

Then there was a girl I dated who was a friend of a friend's wife. She stopped talking with my friend's wife and her other friends and tried moving in with me after a few months. Like, literally just tried moving in one day. It was pretty creepy. Anyway though, her friends were pissed and didn't like her, there was drama, it was obnoxious given that we were all far too old for that, so I fixed the issue.

My point is that the old adage "Your best friend is not your girlfriend" is true. If you want a friend, get a friend. If you want a relationship with someone, go for a relationship with someone.


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Also, there's ways to be more informal and less high school about it than "hey you want to go out?" Keep it natural.

to the last part, how so? Now that I'm not afraid of asking girls out, I think I need to get it right

Aesop the God Awful wrote:
May I suggest Swedish Marriage Manual?

Wikipedia seems to have no article on it, and by the number of porn sites that appeared when I typed this in DuckDuckGo, I am not very sure. If I am to go with some explicit movie, something at least very cheesy and psychedelic, like Andy Warhol's Flesh for Frankenstein. And those movies do not get shown a lot in theaters anyway. Very niche movies .

 Hybrid Son Of Oxayotl wrote:

Aesop the God Awful wrote:
May I suggest Swedish Marriage Manual?

Wikipedia seems to have no article on it, and by the number of porn sites that appeared when I typed this in DuckDuckGo, I am not very sure. If I am to go with some explicit movie, something at least very cheesy and psychedelic, like Andy Warhol's Flesh for Frankenstein. And those movies do not get shown a lot in theaters anyway. Very niche movies .

It's the film Travis Bickle takes Betsy to see in Taxi Driver, to debatable success. Maybe your girl is a fan and digs the reference. Though I suspect not

 hotsauceman1 wrote:

Also, there's ways to be more informal and less high school about it than "hey you want to go out?" Keep it natural.

to the last part, how so? Now that I'm not afraid of asking girls out, I think I need to get it right

I think that is what I did. I asked her if she wanted to get a bite to eat and some drinks after on friday. Making my intentionson clear, but not making it awkward

Aesop the God Awful wrote:
]It's the film Travis Bickle takes Betsy to see in Taxi Driver, to debatable success. Maybe your girl is a fan and digs the reference. Though I suspect not

Oh. It is on WIkipedia, but with a totally different name, the language of love.
Does not seem very enjoyable actually. The reference might be funny, but if the movie is damn boring, it is not worth it. Reminds me of when I saw that movie after failing to check what it was about. The narrative scenes were a magnificent amount of funny, but the rest was SO GODDAMN LONG AND BORING!
The same without the funny stupid part? Never!

 hotsauceman1 wrote:
I think that is what I did. I asked her if she wanted to get a bite to eat and some drinks after on friday. Making my intentionson clear, but not making it awkward

Then it sounds like you're good. I was mostly arguing against the "become friends first" part. Then if you find that things go south, you also lose your friend. A girlfriend should be a status similar to a friend, but not interchangeable. I don't think I'd risk fething up another friendship to try to form a relationship out of it.

Maybe I'm just rambling though.

First problem is looking at dateable women as "friends."

"Dating" women is different than "hanging out" with them. I don't know about you, but I have literally zero female "just friends." They're either women I've slept with, women I'm currently sleeping with, women I want to sleep with in the future, or women who have friends who I want to sleep with. Otherwise I wouldn't be friends with them in the first place - I have 1,000 more things in common with male peers. Not to say that I wouldn't be "just friends" with a woman, only that I haven't found one in the past 29 years worth being "just friends" with. Social relationships take effort...I'd rather put in less effort and get more out of a friendship with a male peer if its strictly platonic.