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I see your Frogs, and raise you the spanish classic Slugs!. Which gets immediate additional points for its original subtitle Muerte Viscosa.

It's got everything you'd expect from a spanish almost-no-budget production. From 1988. Which explains where the budget went: cocaine. Cocaine and special effects.

Gratuitous nudity. Senseless gore. Literally award-winning special effects for said gore. A plot so thin and inept you could write it down on the flimsy string tangas that are on display for no reason, but a lot of screen time. To say it with the words of a German film magazine: 'Death lurks in the lettuce - lovable nonsense that shows its remaining qualitiy mostly by dealing with its inadequacies in a bold and demented fashion. Not good, but a rarity'.

Sorry my good man.

I’ve seen Slugs. And at least the Slugs, however inconceivably, done some bad murders.

In Frogs, their worst crime is doing nothing to save lives. They don’t actually kill anyone! It was other lizards and amphibians. I should know, I’m a witness 🤣🤣

Blade

It’s been an aeon of my existence since I last watched this.

And even in the era of Marvel’s dominance? This film still holds up.

Yes the CGI is ropey, and let’s face it will always remain so. But it never really relies on the CGI in place of plot and the charisma of the cast.

If this was, as it stands, incorporated into the main MCU? I think it would still, a quarter of a century later, be able to hold its own.

So, what you’re saying is some m—f—ers always manage to ice skate uphill?

 BobtheInquisitor wrote:
So, what you’re saying is some m—f—ers always manage to ice skate uphill?

No no no. Silly you.

Blade is a Marvel property. Not a DC property 🤣🤣

The joke here being DC built the hill and covered it in ice themself 🤣🤣

Slumberland: Aquaman vs Little Nemo

I'm not exactly a 'fan' of the Little Nemo in Slumberland comics from the early 1900s but I'm aware of them and read some in my brief 'I'll be pop culture historian' phase. Basically they're 1 page newspaper strips where a kid goes to sleep, his bed becomes this long legged spider thing and takes him on a surreal adventure, and then he wakes up. Weird trippy stuff, especially for the era.

So this Netflix film, with noted Baywatch star Jason Momoa has a girl who, after the death of her father goes on surreal dream adventures searching for him. It is... almost good? Maybe almost almost good. I really wanted to like it.

Great, inventive special effects and dream worlds. But halfway through they just stop making new ones, she just revisits the same dreams again and again. So instead of the kid driving the monster garbage truck being a cool one off he pops up several times.

Worse the real world characters are just as odd and surreal as the dream characters so there's no feeling of contrast. A lighthouse keeper? A doorknob salesman? A private school with a demographically perfect mix of children of color and children with disabilities? these are our grounded characters?

There could have been a message about facing reality rather than burying grief in dreams (or streaming services) but it ain't there.

When my main question while watching a film is why did you make this? Who did you think would want to see it? You have a problem.

I mean why base it on a 100 years+ old comic and then ignore the source material? Did they think there were some 120 year old fans who'd been waiting for this film?

Onibaba -1964
It's from the same studio that made the Shinobi no mono movies and I thought I saw a face or two I recognized whe nI saw the triler but I can't sa for sure now.

It's a slow burn. The men are gone conscripted and taken to war leaving the woman behind to tend the fields and fend for themselves. The have taken to ambushing wounded soldiers who wonder into the area, a grass sea. they loot the dead and trade that for food. They're experiencing a different aspect of the horror of war and they don't like it. Their life changes when one of the men returns with out the husbands, his friend.
And there's a curse.

I had expected something a little different but it was an interesting setting for horror thriller. Isolation and starvation and a dash of paranoia. It's a slow burn which while tedious at times does add to the ambiance they were going for.

Fun with Dick and Jane
A 2005 Jim Carey vehicle that also has Tea Leoni. I will pretty much watch anything Tea Leoni is in. I am 100% sure I have seen this before.

Honestly, this movie is still relevant 18 years later as it is a fairy tale. The crazy idea that the victims of our Capitalist masters can somehow "get even" with them when they feth us over. Pure fantasy in the days after Enron, Worldcom, Adelpho and other company scandals that have long been buried in time.

The universe of this movie is a bit dystopian. Where the victims of the system are tricked to "buy into" the system. They try really hard to be what the system needs, but when they can't it just grinds them up and leaves them as paste. Hard to believe that it has gotten worse since this movie was made.

It was great to see that they "Name and Shame" the suits that inspired the film and the companies that they worked for. Perhaps that will be useful to historians some day?

However, as entertainment it fails. It hangs together but aside from the anti-Capitalism spin the movie is a non-entity with no real staying power. Not funny. Characters aren't likeable enough. It just doesn't quite fit the pieces together in an entertaining way. Too bad as I feel like the movie had a lot of relevant things to say, but never could get it out in an entertaining enough way.


Puss in Boots
Pretty sure I have seen this before too.

Harmless Shrek spin-off that is completely forgettable. I forgot I had seen it before, and even now I can't tell you much about it.

Entertaining and serviceable, just no great shakes.

RRR

A Tollywood (Telagu language but also available in Hindi and dubbed to English) action film about 2 Indians fighting the British in the early 1900s. One is jungle-dwelling tribal, the other an Anglicized officer in the British army who is secretly working his way up the ranks to get guns to the resistance.

Physics do not exist in this film. At one point a hero is dual wielding motorcycles as his hand to hand weapons. The British in this are EVIL, evil, evil, very bad, evil. Evil. Dr. Doom called and said tone it down a tad. If you don't like the English this is the film for you.

Based on 2 real life revolutionaries (very, very loosely based) with a feel good song at the end that honors various Indian heroes and notably omits Ghandi and Nehru. Which sets off my Hindu Nationalist alarm since the current BJP government has been trying to obscure the role of tolerant-diversity promoting founders.

An interesting spectacle. Needed more song and dance numbers. But so does every film.

Are you trying to imply that Indian freedom fighters did not in fact throw panthers at their oppressors?

The fight scenes in RRR are top notch. But against two superhumans of their magnitude, you almost feel sorry for all the British mooks sent out to get them.

 Flinty wrote:
Are you trying to imply that Indian freedom fighters did not in fact throw panthers at their oppressors?

The animal or the tank? Asking for a reason

Watched Black Adam last night. It’s not good. I’m glad I waited for it to arrive on tv and didn’t pay to see it.

I generally enjoy super hero films and don’t mind the Rock, but this was a mess from start to finish. Tonally all over the place, lurching from dark and brooding to quipping and puns that never quite landed. The CG was generally pretty but really suffered from a sense of weightlessness, even more than most CG of late.

It felt like it was maybe 3 films mushed together. The justice society stuff dragged out and had me wondering if those sections were originally in a stand alone justice society film, during those parts it didn’t feel like I was watching a Black Adam film.

And the 3rd act, a villain that came out of nowhere and the villains from the first half of the film have inexplicably disappeared.

I’d say I enjoyed it less than Morbius, that was at least funny albeit unintentionally, and it did have the always excellent Matt Smith in its favour.

If It Don't Fit, Use a Bigger Hammer (2002)

German comedy about a group of construction workers and their sleazy boss. It's a pretty surprising film at times and charming. The main characters are funny and fit their roles perfectly, which of course makes or breaks a comedy. Some bits are very silly or absurdist, other stuff feels surprisingly authentic, overall it's good fun and doesn't bore. And the young people in that film look and talk rather late 90s, and thus acceptable.

No idea if this works in English. For some reason there's an English title, but only subtitles, no audio. Based on this, Take it or Leave it. But if you're in for a light comedy with a rough-around-the-edges-but-likeable cast of characters you could do much worse I think.

GI Joe 4-The One About Snakes Eyes Junior

So after the trippy madness of GI Joe 1-Cobra-La, the origin story of GI Joe 2-Live Action, and the occasionally adequate GI Joe 3-The Rock, we get an origin story for Snake Eyes.

You know Snake Eyes right the ninja commando, Vietnam vet who is disfigured and mute?

Well in this film he's a handsome dude who talks a lot and was never in the military. He does go to Ninja School though. In Ninja School graduation relies on 3 tests of your Ninja skills. One that's pretty cool. One that involves a flashback to the beginning of the movie and the last that involves fighting 3 giant anacondas. Typical Ninja stuff.

There is one good scene, the first test


That was fairly clever. Not worth watching the movie though. The chick who plays Scarlet is easy on eyes at least but I won't recommend the film for that either. Plus she brings a crossbow to a machine gun fight.

Play us out, one good scene in the whole movie.

The Black Phone

This film is a revelation.

Whilst the plot is pretty straight forward, it’s just so well put together. The cast a universally solid, with convincing performances from everyone. It does have a clear influence from Stranger Things, but isn’t trying to be Stranger Things. Just done in a style with clear inspiration. This approach lends it a kind of timeless feel. Like it could be potentially set anywhere from the 1950’s to the early 2000’s, fashions aside.

There are also kind of hints of Saw (the good early ones, not the later increasingly ropey ones), and like the good early Saw films, relies more on tension than just buckets of gore and inventive (if increasingly implausible) kills.

This is a horror where you do need to be paying attention. And for that, I salute it. Because our attention is rewarded with some solid payoffs. As ever with horror, if you’re not a fan of the genre this is unlikely to convert you into a seasoned Gore Hound. But I think you’ll still enjoy it as a solid thriller.

Definitely definitely definitely give this one a watch.


Automatically Appended Next Post:
Scream VI

Ghost face is back. Again. For the cunningly titled sixth instalment in a now 27 year old franchise. Lawks-a-mercy I now feel old.

The series overall benefit is never having truly outstayed its welcome. Whilst as with any long time franchise the quality does vary, I don’t think any have truly stunk. And certainly 4, 5 and 6 seem to have been made when the series had something new (if not necessarily interesting) to say about the wider horror genre.

And so it stays fairly fresh, especially given the central premise entirely relies on tired tropes really shouldn’t bear repeat outings all that well.

It does keep you guessing as to Whodunnit, and the reveal doesn’t feel daft or overly preposterous.

However, the middle of the film does plod a bit, with some to-ing and fro-ing I’m not entirely convinced was all that necessary. I mean it is set in New York and so showing off some of the sights is needed to remind. But man. They just could’ve got more tension in.

The finale is grand though. And pretty brutal as the series goes. So if you’ve found previous movies OK for younger folks, I’d recommend watching this one yourself first then making the judgement call, because it is a notable jump in the regular violence.

Renfield

Apparently this bombed at the box office. Which is a shame, because I loved it. Yes the influence of What We Do In The Shadows weighs heavily, but as I love that series I can’t begrudge it.

This is a fun, silly and pretty gory movie. The gore is ludicrous though, but amusingly so. Nic Cage is absolutely amazing as Dracula. Yes there are bits where his accent takes a wee road trip here and there, but the rest of his performance is amazing. His love for the character comes across, channeling bits and bobs from various incarnations whilst giving his own take on the whole. Nicolas Hoult is his usual good value self. Awkwafina remains charming.

One to enjoy on your own, or with friends.

 Mad Doc Grotsnik wrote:
Renfield

Apparently this bombed at the box office. Which is a shame, because I loved it. Yes the influence of What We Do In The Shadows weighs heavily, but as I love that series I can’t begrudge it.

This is a fun, silly and pretty gory movie. The gore is ludicrous though, but amusingly so. Nic Cage is absolutely amazing as Dracula. Yes there are bits where his accent takes a wee road trip here and there, but the rest of his performance is amazing. His love for the character comes across, channeling bits and bobs from various incarnations whilst giving his own take on the whole. Nicolas Hoult is his usual good value self. Awkwafina remains charming.

One to enjoy on your own, or with friends.

That one will get streamed a LOT, I'm sure.

AUX

Oh John Rhys Davis. As the only instantly recognisable name attached, who did you owe money to?

Because this is a travesty. Plot is two idiot children are in the woods being idiots and like idiots open a WW2 bunker. Releasing some kind of relentless killer soldier zombie ghost thing.

This is going for slasher territory, but cheaped out completely using bad CGI in place of Practical Splatter.

John Rhys Davies is barely in it, mostly being confined to a Nursing Home, but he clearly knows something about something because he shows distress.

I’m half an hour in to it’s blissfully short 1h 7m runtime. And it’s cardinal sin? I. Just. Don’t. Care. At all. I’m not exactly rooting for the baddie. I just….don’t care at all.

Seriously. John Rhys Davis must’ve really needed some new bath towels or conservatory or something.

Stonehurst Asylum

Michael Caine and Ben Kingsley must mean it is good. Then, you recall that those two will literally act in anything for money. ANYTHING!

Actually, it is not too terrible. The inmates take over the asylum, and insanity ensues. It wants to be all twisty and turney, but it really isn't.

Supposedly based on a Poe story..... okay.

Dune

The new one.

Watched it twice and I had seen it in the cinema.

You should watch it. And the Lynch version too.

Black Adam

This is not the worst superhero movie ever. In fact it's not even terrible, merely bad. Oh but it makes every effort to be awful.

Johnson is simply not good. Since becoming a bonafide actor (ignoring his Mummy work) he has delivered consistent performances. He's good in the Jumanji movies and Central Intelligence, his voice work in Moana is even acceptable. But what the hell is he going for in this? The Rock doesn't brood: the Rock smoulders.

The music selections throughout the movie are misplaced and attention sapping. It is completely out of kilter with everything around it.

The script is kitsch in a way that not even 2008's Ironman was. There's an English voiced bad guy who gets pasted early on who sounds awful. I shouldn't jump on the guy because he may have just been following direction, but he sounds totally out of his depth.

And the seemingly endless scenes of a weightless CGI blob weightlessly smacking another weightless CGI blob for no impact mind crushingly boring

And slow-mo! I chuffing hate unnecessary slow-mo and here we have every time a certain character is on screen we get unnecessary slow-mo.

This is before pointing out how thoroughly uninteresting the camera work is. Every piece of this film feels like it was put together by committee without any singular vision, with the plot and script suffering the worst from this imbalance.

There is some good stuff to talk about. Both Hawkman and Dr Fate are excellent. From casting and acting to the wardrobe and their (albeit predictable) plotline, they are both head and shoulders above everything else in the movie.

There are two little snippets that made me wonder what the film would have been like if it had some vision. In one there's a young boy trying to teach the out of place Black Adam how to be a superhero. This had slight shades of Terminator 2 and I wouldn't have minded if this film had wholesale ripped off that aspect to a greater extent.
Then there's the Good Bad Ugly reference which comes out of nowhere (I mean who it is implemented, I'm aware there's a short bit of it on the TV before hand). It is so out of reference with everything else that it does not belong. Yet this brief moment works by itself, it's just a shame it works with nothing around it.

A bit of a long review this one but I can't help but thin if someone with some grown up directing chops had got hold of this it may have turned out good.

Toy Soldiers

In which some Colombian bad lads take over a Prep School in an attempt to get their boss man out of US Custody following extradition.

Unfortunately for them, spunky young chaps Samwise Gamgee and Wesley Crusher attend that school, and seem quite well skilled to be pains in the neck. Denholm Elliot also stars as the Headmaster.

This is really quite decent, so far. Kind of like a Posh Street Kids do Red Dawn. Our heroes are all distinct characters, and of course we get some Chekhov’s Gun in terms of their skills quite early on, especially young Mr Gamgee. Well I assume they’re Chekhov’s Guns, I’m not done watching it yet.

For a movie I’ve somehow never heard of before, I’m genuinely impressed! It’s even got the speccy bad guy from Total Recall in it!

Fantastic Beasts - The Crimes Of Grindlewald

It was okay, main problem was I can't remember a thing about the second film (Apart from it being extremely disappointing), so I didn't really know what was going on most of the time (Or who most of the characters were).
Did like the latest Grindlewald though, a definite step up from the Depp version.

 Mad Doc Grotsnik wrote:
Toy Soldiers

In which some Colombian bad lads take over a Prep School in an attempt to get their boss man out of US Custody following extradition.

Unfortunately for them, spunky young chaps Samwise Gamgee and Wesley Crusher attend that school, and seem quite well skilled to be pains in the neck. Denholm Elliot also stars as the Headmaster.

This is really quite decent, so far. Kind of like a Posh Street Kids do Red Dawn. Our heroes are all distinct characters, and of course we get some Chekhov’s Gun in terms of their skills quite early on, especially young Mr Gamgee. Well I assume they’re Chekhov’s Guns, I’m not done watching it yet.

For a movie I’ve somehow never heard of before, I’m genuinely impressed! It’s even got the speccy bad guy from Total Recall in it!

Is that the movie where the Apache helicopter rises up on the dudes in the bell tower and lights them up? 10 year old me forever fell in love with that helicopter ever since.

Also, just dawned on me that this movie probably wasn't something a 10 year old should've been watching.

oh snap, it was this movie :

It is indeed! I’d say well remembered but it is pretty iconic now I’ve seen it.

This is a proper belter of a young adult movie.

The liquor in the mouthwash scene is also a scene that stuck with me. I think I banked it for later use, but never had to smuggle alcohol anywhere.

UHF

Weird Al comedy vehicle from 1989. This is so incredibly late 80’s early 90’s, I’m surprised Pauly Shore didn’t show up!

Of course. Being that, this is gonna be Marmite. But I bloody love it so far, and have had genuine laugh out loud moments. If like me you’re a fan of screwball nonsense, there’s a lot here to enjoy.

Pauly Shore came later.

If you really want to gauge the comedy era it has a pre-Seinfeld Michael Richards, a pre-Nanny Fran Drescher, SNL-era Victoria Jackson, Emo Phillips at the height(?) of his career, and Billy Barty. A real blast from the past.

Ah fair! I didn’t get the chance to watch much US fare in those days.

The main villain in UHF is amazing.

He really is. And he’s so quotable. “Community?”