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Herzlos wrote:
You want to aim it as a hobby that's a fun way to unwind, but not an obsession.

Anyone who doesn't like their partner having a fun hobby isn't someone you want to get involved with, but taking it to the extremem no-one wants a partner that's a trope of 'that guy' who can do nothing but talk about their particular hobby.

That's fair.

I'm not an expert at anything, and I'm blessed with having a girlfriend that got hooked easily, but at first, similar to my tikering of guns and stuff, I emphasised the facts that it is a hobby entailing more than catches the eye. I talked about creativity, painting, modelling, as a hobby of craftmanship. Besides, I also made it clear that i'm not a "nerd" insofar I am full well aware that these are tin soldiers, but that they serve a greater purpose of having quality time with people I like.

That brushed aside the nerd/childish aspet of it and she gladly wanted to see for herself and joined the gang of wargamers.

Besides, the both of you remain free. Being in a relationship does not mean that you have to suddenly drop all of the person you are on you're partner's whim. If that is so, it might not be a healthy couple there and should be considered with caution. But in anything sane enough, you'd be able to talk about it and manage you're schedule for a bit of painting, freinds coming over to play or driving to the flg, and spending part of your own salary on plastic crack. On the other hand, if you give it so much it hurts you're relationship, then you ought to yourself be able to listen to this and make compromises.

Hope that'll help, I'll pray for you it sorts itself out in the best manner!

 Mad Doc Grotsnik wrote:
Also, maybe touch on what it covers.

There’s buying and building your army and playing the game. But there’s also the painting side, and the many, many books out there.

It can from a certain perspective look like a singular obsession. But with so many different parts to it, it’s just something you can engage in across various hobbies (model building, art, reading, gaming). It’s just where the next person might do those same things, they may not have a single unified source like Warhammer offers.

Yes. The painting and the books both transcend the boundaries of the wargaming hobby and appeal to all kinds of nerds. (Nerds are still the dominant cultural force in the US. Your local scene may vary.). My wife enjoys painting a lot and even read a half dozen 40k novels. I’ve known women who fell in love with the art and the cosplay aspect. There is a lot of appeal to the hobby besides the game, or even the miniatures.

Hey, has anyone ever thrown a war game/boardgame/card game against a potential/current love interest?

I'm asking because one of my few Combat Patrol opponents stopped me from playing her boyfriend, by announcing while smiling, "He's trash, he can't even beat me."

When she went the restroom, he stepped by with the classic qoute:

I suggest a new strategy: Let the Wookie win.

By and large, the ladies I dated didn't get into gaming until after we started dating, more because they wanted to spend more time with me than because they were really interested.

At first.

 Quixote wrote:
Hey, has anyone ever thrown a war game/boardgame/card game against a potential/current love interest?

I don't throw games. And I don't surrender in a game. If I get beat it's because I actually got beat.
That said? I've opted to not play the strongest cards/decks at my disposal. Not always played the most optimal war game lists. Not exploited every trick in boardgames.

By respect for the person, I would not treat her like a toddler and let her win just because. She might be new at this and as with any newcomer you'd go easy on them, but i'd rather give them the fair freindly chnllenge and not insult their intelligence.

 Quixote wrote:
Hey, has anyone ever thrown a war game/boardgame/card game against a potential/current love interest?

I'm asking because one of my few Combat Patrol opponents stopped me from playing her boyfriend, by announcing while smiling, "He's trash, he can't even beat me."

When she went the restroom, he stepped by with the classic qoute:

I suggest a new strategy: Let the Wookie win.

I won't even let my kid beat me at Mario Kart. Besides, after that one game where he legitimately out-played me and proceeded to tear down not one but TWO War Dogs in melee with Termagants, I learned not to go too easy with him.

 Quixote wrote:
Hey, has anyone ever thrown a war game/boardgame/card game against a potential/current love interest?

It is my long-standing policy to let newbies beat me in their first game. I do not do it blatantly, but instead I will chose a high-risk, low-reward strategy that usually results in a close loss. This encourages them to play again.

When I was single, very few girls played D&D or wargames, and those who did had a small army of guys orbiting them. Kind of a moot point.

My wife was somewhat unique in that she liked gaming before we met and was willing to play new systems. She remains quite proud of the fact that she is one of the only two people to beat my early 3rd ed. Ultramarine army, and it was a legitimate win. I had a record to maintain.

Of course, she did not play fair, having chosen to wear a particularly distracting outfit and using it to devastating effect. This is why I have zero recollection of what actually happened on the board other than I got crushed. I recall her clothing in exacting detail, however.

Commissar von Toussaint wrote:

It is my long-standing policy to let newbies beat me in their first game. I do not do it blatantly, but instead I will chose a high-risk, low-reward strategy that usually results in a close loss. This encourages them to play again.

That's also going to make for a more exciting game, good idea

I don't have to let my daughter or wife win.... they just do.

Anyone have any tensions around the amount of space their hobbies take up?

I didn't get back into wargaming until after I got married. Around the same time I got info LEGO. The amount of space those hobbies require definitely caused some tension.

No, because I have been able to pack it away pretty well and use my hobby as a source of income too. When I am not actively using it, my hobby is invisible to my family.

When it comes to relationships and wargaming, one word: hedge.

I gave away my Ultramarines and Chaos Space Marine armies when I left for college. The whole point of college was meeting girls and getting a degree, I didn't need any distractions. The focus needed to be on the main goals. This proved to be good advice at that time in my life.

Later, my father had a stroke and I became his guardian and primary caregiver. I would spend long periods of time sitting with him and needed something to do. I returned to painting miniatures as it did not require me to speak. This was the right move at that time in my life, it gave me something I could so silently while the dementia ate away at him.

When I met my wife, I was open about my hobbies and how they related to providing care to my father. To her, this was not nerd stuff, this was part of how I made sense of a tragic situation. At first, we would make jokes, I would talk about getting her her own Throne of Judgement and how everyone in her office is an Ork. Eventually, it became normal for her to order miniatures for me for my birthday. Now she mostly tolerates the 2 closets I have in the basement filled with miniatures and thinks our relationship is strengthened when I choose to sell some of them.

Can't say it enough. If you pursue hobbies for their own sake, understand that they will be seen as competition by a romantic partner. If you pursue them as a balm for your sensitive soul, your romantic partner will nourish them. If you can't have the later, it's better to go without.

 Easy E wrote:
No, because I have been able to pack it away pretty well and use my hobby as a source of income too. When I am not actively using it, my hobby is invisible to my family.

I've definitely been able to use the hobby as a source of income and it has been appreciated, but as far as invisibility, that's a standard I can't reach. The goal now is to have the main areas free of hobby stuff, combined area (basement: hobby/wargaming/kids play area etc) area with the hobby stuff neatly organized and most hobby stuff in the garage when not in use.

The truth is that any tension around hobby and space has really been my fault, but it's a tough balance when you run a wargaming club out of your basement.

Is the club the source of income?

Quixote wrote:Wargaming can be a little expensive sometimes and in the world of relationships money can be a sticking point.

I know it's odd to ask a Wargaming forum for relationship advice, but I'm considering most of you to be veterans in this arena.

Especially in the early part of a relationship (before you realize your significant other is insane, and your significant other realizes the same about you), how do you reasonably discuss dumping more money into little toy soldiers and shiny new rulebooks?

I am hoping to get some valuable advice (Without the unhelpful snark of it was either 40k or crack and I chose the more expensive option. ) on this issue.

Thank you.

It's just basic relationshipping 101. And common courtesy.

I told Mrs.deadnight its my hobby and I enjoy it very much. Pretty much from day one. She's not into it, with the exception of an annual game of bloodbowl during awful weather, and a rare visit to warhammer world - but Mrs.deadnight has always been supportive of me having my own 'thing', and happily xhats about my hobbies to her friends and colleagues just as I chat to mine about hers. We are both supportive of each other having our respective things too.

Cost of an army is irrelevant over time imo. All hobbies and interests have a cost. Try season tickets for your local spl footie team, and then going to every game to see them. Now That's a commitment in terms of time, money, and frustration (quality of said football, and ever present griping towards the generally awful Scottish weather). If I can do that for her, I don't think it's unreasonable to expect her to support me and mine.

Eilif wrote:Anyone have any tensions around the amount of space their hobbies take up?

I didn't get back into wargaming until after I got married. Around the same time I got info LEGO. The amount of space those hobbies require definitely caused some tension.

Heh. When we stepped further up the housing ladder and went from flat to nice house we both wanted a room for our 'things'. I have a mancave, Mrs deadnight has a reading sanctuary. Zero tensions.

Biggest take up of space in this house usnt our books and doids - its our two greyhounds. Haven't been able to sit on our 5 seater sofa in 3 years! :p

I’m intending, when the time comes, to buy a three bedroom place. Living room is self explanatory. Dining room can double as gaming room. Main bedroom is bedroom. Then I’ve got a hobby room, and a library.

If I get a decent sized two bedroom? Dining room will double as library.

Time, money, space, attention

These are all finite resources in a relationship and each person has different needs and desires. The key is communicating your needs and desires to your partner and ensuring that they open up about theirs as well.

From there its about finding a balance. Maybe your hobby takes up too much space in the house and that's the issue; maybe that's what they say but the real aspect is that its not space but that you're always hobbying and not spending any time with them doing something they like or something you both like etc...

Sometimes a complaint about X is actually about Y and you've got to talk it out to get to the bottom of it. Otherwise you might fix X and then find they complain about Z because Y is still the real problem for them

 Maréchal des Logis Walter wrote:
Is the club the source of income?

Ha, not at all. The club is two nights a month at my home because I have the basement space for simultaneous games and the largest terrain collection. I'm also frequently involved building large terrain projects.

Income from hobbying comes on the occasions when I sell of chunks of my train and wargaming collection or the collections of my friends. Having been purchased at fraction of their value (or at no cost when I provide selling services to friends), I'm usually able to sell at a very good profit and benefit the household.


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 Overread wrote:
Time, money, space, attention

These are all finite resources in a relationship and each person has different needs and desires. The key is communicating your needs and desires to your partner and ensuring that they open up about theirs as well.

Very well put. This has been key to us working it out when issues around space come up.
Thinking about all 3 as finite resources is probably good practice for folks in any area of their marriage/relationship/etc.

Ah, see, I always tend to sell back stuff at the price I got it,.always bothered me to make money that way but I guess that has got to be cultural.

 Maréchal des Logis Walter wrote:
Ah, see, I always tend to sell back stuff at the price I got it,.always bothered me to make money that way but I guess that has got to be cultural.

Could be cultural.
The USA is very much a buy-and-sell, "wheeling and dealing", "get yourself a hustle" kind of place. Part of it is probably the "DIY" spirit of Americans. Part if it is probably the reality we all know our social safety net sucks and most of us are just a few paychecks from poverty and/or homelessness (only half joking....).

For myself bargain hunting, thrifting and resale shopping has been in my blood since early childhood when money was tight and it was a financial necessity. Now as a middle-class adult with a more stable financial footing, bargain hunting, buying and selling is still part of the fun of hobbies.

I started out trying to just make my hobbies pay for themselves. Mostly by buying larger lots of stuff, keeping what I want and selling the rest at a profit. That worked pretty well and, and eventually I realized I could contribute to the household finances that way as well. It was nice sideline income at the time for an at-home dad who only works a little part-time.

I've slowed selling as my kids have grown and I've picked up more work hours, but I still periodically sell off projects from my backstock and sometimes sell batches model trains and wargaming stuff for friends and I nearly always turn a profit. As much as possible, I still try to make my hobbies pay for themselves and contribute to the household. Sometimes that's contributing to a family vacation, sometimes it's just a date night out with the wife, but every little bit helps.

 Overread wrote:
Time, money, space, attention

These are all finite resources in a relationship and each person has different needs and desires. The key is communicating your needs and desires to your partner and ensuring that they open up about theirs as well.

From there its about finding a balance. Maybe your hobby takes up too much space in the house and that's the issue; maybe that's what they say but the real aspect is that its not space but that you're always hobbying and not spending any time with them doing something they like or something you both like etc...

Sometimes a complaint about X is actually about Y and you've got to talk it out to get to the bottom of it. Otherwise you might fix X and then find they complain about Z because Y is still the real problem for them

Frankly, I consider complaining about X and Z when you're upset about Y to be a red flag. If you can't be honest with your partner, you get what you deserve.

 Vulcan wrote:

 Overread wrote:
Time, money, space, attention

These are all finite resources in a relationship and each person has different needs and desires. The key is communicating your needs and desires to your partner and ensuring that they open up about theirs as well.

From there its about finding a balance. Maybe your hobby takes up too much space in the house and that's the issue; maybe that's what they say but the real aspect is that its not space but that you're always hobbying and not spending any time with them doing something they like or something you both like etc...

Sometimes a complaint about X is actually about Y and you've got to talk it out to get to the bottom of it. Otherwise you might fix X and then find they complain about Z because Y is still the real problem for them

Frankly, I consider complaining about X and Z when you're upset about Y to be a red flag. If you can't be honest with your partner, you get what you deserve.

They might also not be being honest with themselves; they might think space is the issue, when in reality its money or time or something else.
Sometimes we are our own worst enemies and learning how to open up to a deeper level is honestly a skill and something that isn't always natural for everyone.

But yes if someone is constantly like that and if attempts to resolve it don't work then you might not be best matched for each other.

My relationship with my partner had some minor ups and downs with the tabletop hobby. I started this hobby the years into our relationship. When I started wargaming during my university time, I had little space and money, and the 10mm models didn't take up a lot of space. But there was some discussion about how I saved money just "to blow it on some plastic". My partner felt that I was prioritizing spending money on models over spending some time with her. It wasn't a "me or the hobby" situation, just more of a "we only see each other every two weeks, let's do something fun and not sit around because you bought more plastic". My partner always supported the hobby from a creative and community stand point, we spend time together painting (I paint my models, she either on canvas or tablet).
I watched my spending a bit more, saved some for time together, and it was all good until ... I moved and had more space! Suddenly, all the cool terrain that I had no way of storing, could have a space in my collection. And when you are living on your own, nobody really minds. But I'm the cases my partner came to visit, she did notice that there was a great pile of "stuff" taking up space. I do admit that I (still) have the habit of buying things with cool scenarios in mind, just to never get to really use it.
The real game changer was getting an income and more living space. Suddenly, people could come over and game at my space! I need more terrain, I need more this and that, and I had the funds to do it. This is really something I had to discuss with my partner, because she was planning on moving in, and did not want to live in tabletop man cave. So we found a great compromise on using the available space, when people can come over to play and so on.

Well I don't know if this makes a lot of sense but TLDR:
being in a relationship is mostly a time commitment to spend together, and this time should be spend with activities that are bringing you together. If you want a great relationship, balancing your hobby commitments shouldn't get in the way of this, but as it is a part of you, you shouldn't have to hide it or give it up. A loving partner will support you in your hobby, show interest etc, but you also have to do the same for your partners hobby for this to really thrive.

Can't give advice on dating, I dated once and that was over a decade ago.

 Overread wrote:

 Vulcan wrote:

 Overread wrote:
Time, money, space, attention

These are all finite resources in a relationship and each person has different needs and desires. The key is communicating your needs and desires to your partner and ensuring that they open up about theirs as well.

From there its about finding a balance. Maybe your hobby takes up too much space in the house and that's the issue; maybe that's what they say but the real aspect is that its not space but that you're always hobbying and not spending any time with them doing something they like or something you both like etc...

Sometimes a complaint about X is actually about Y and you've got to talk it out to get to the bottom of it. Otherwise you might fix X and then find they complain about Z because Y is still the real problem for them

Frankly, I consider complaining about X and Z when you're upset about Y to be a red flag. If you can't be honest with your partner, you get what you deserve.

They might also not be being honest with themselves; they might think space is the issue, when in reality its money or time or something else.
Sometimes we are our own worst enemies and learning how to open up to a deeper level is honestly a skill and something that isn't always natural for everyone.



But yes if someone is constantly like that and if attempts to resolve it don't work then you might not be best matched for each other.

I would echo this, and also make the point that some - quite a few, actually - people will confect conflict for conflict's sake... It's not about X, Y or Z, it's about keeping you on the back foot psychologically, as if you've caused some great wrong and must be constantly making amends for it. Terrific control mechanism for those who are that way inclined, so keep that in mind.

 Overread wrote:
Sometimes a complaint about X is actually about Y and you've got to talk it out to get to the bottom of it. Otherwise you might fix X and then find they complain about Z because Y is still the real problem for them

I don't think it's intentional, and with time and patience, one becomes able to figure out what's going on. I wouldn't call it a red flag because it's very common.

Like others here, my wife and I maintain a balance. When purchasing the house, we looked for specific spaces, and my gaming area (along with an attached garage) was non-negotiable. When the kids finally move out, one of the bedrooms will become a library, but until then we add shelves for her books as needed.

Regarding American commercialism, it is definitely a thing, part of the old 80s "He who dies with the most toys wins" mentality. I was like that when I was younger, but the experience of dealing with relatives dying and leaving mountains of stuff has led me to seek completion in a collection rather than endless expansion, and I periodically review what I have to see if any of it can go to make room for something better.

It is important to think about and at least discuss (not necessarily coming to a decision) where things will ultimately go. I have neighbors who park their cars in front of the their two-car garage because they've filled it with stuff - and it's not like the houses here are tiny.

Here's a hypothetical question for you.

Lets say you are single and looking to mingle.

You find someone who you are attracted to, they are attracted to you, and they have a great personality.

You get along great, and the relationship is about to turn an important corner.

You slyly bring up hobbies, and your love interest says, "I can deal with anything - except Warhammer... my ex was addicted to those models. It's the reason we broke up. I hope I never see a another space marine in my life."

Your response?



Mine is:

All relationships are a case of give-and-take and compromising.

How far you are willing to compromise really depends on them and you and the relationship itself.
Perhaps its a make or break and that's it you can't give up warhammer and they cannot accept a warhammer fan - so you try to mediate it out; it fails; you both move on.

Perhaps they just need to realise that you are mature enough to not fall into the problems of whatever their partner had - because chances are it wasn't "warhammer" it was "time spent on the hobby" "money spent on the hobby" "undesirably smelly friends who came over" or whatever.

Perhaps warhammer isn't a huge thing for you and its just one of many hobbies and you're both really into historical re-enactment so you just trade your Warhammer for a warhammer.


Just don't be the one who loves warhammer, gives it up entirely and then quietly broods over that as a stressful point in the relationship for years to come.

 Lathe Biosas wrote:
Here's a hypothetical question for you.

Lets say you are single and looking to mingle.

You find someone who you are attracted to, they are attracted to you, and they have a great personality.

You get along great, and the relationship is about to turn an important corner.

You slyly bring up hobbies, and your love interest says, "I can deal with anything - except Warhammer... my ex was addicted to those models. It's the reason we broke up. I hope I never see a another space marine in my life."

Your response?



Mine is:

Spoiler:

Oh, you won't have to... I play Imperial Knights.

Right there with you, although my vice is WFB rather than 40K.