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So, this is a short story I wrote following a Chaos Marine as they fight against a unit of Ultramarines.
Please let me know what you think, and do not think you are being to harsh if you don't enjoy it. The more I am criticized, the better I can be.


I leapt out of the exploding vehicle. The flames engulfed my armor, but I felt nothing but the thrill of battle. The loss of the machine was devastating, but they would pay. I looked down at my bolter to make sure it was still operational before charging into the thick of it all. Explosive shells were flying through the air, making it difficult of move anywhere without being hit. Somehow I survived, though, and made it to another vehicle sheltering more of us.
They called us traitors to the emperor. Scum that needed to be destroyed. They didn’t understand. All they knew was what they had been brainwashed to think. And when we had questioned it, had turned to forces outside their control, they had tried to annihilate us. We had been so close to victory, close enough to taste it, and then, it had all been taken away. We had left them there, but they followed, and drove us into the hell pit that they called the Eye of Terror. A fitting name, considering what lay inside.
I took a few blind shots, and managed to down one of them. His “battle brothers” screamed in fury and intensified their fire, taking down a few of our own. One of their Rhino’s took a hit from a Reaper, and exploded. Even from where we were we could hear the screams of the dying men as they were trapped in the burning carcass. I laughed. Our sergeant, finally seeing us, made his way over.
“Ready to make them die?” he asked.
We all screamed in agreement. One of our Land Raiders drove up to their lines and opened its front hatches, letting out some berserkers. What drove those men to do what they do, I will never understand. They charged into the enemy, slaughtering them. We shouted our battle cries, barely audible over the sounds of battle, and charged forward, firing our weapons. One or two fell to our fire, and then we were locked in combat with them. Chainsword met armor, powersword cleaved through man. After taking a few casualties, we managed to overcome them. Their dying screams faded as our bolters ended their lives.
We fell in with a squad of Rubric Marines as we advanced up the hill. The mindless automatons lacked the passion that the rest of us so loved, but the lack of emotion made them very precise. As soon as one of the loyalists would try to shoot at us, they were cut down by a hail of bolter rounds that seemed to render their armor useless.
At the top of the hill were dozens more of the scum, defending something. We didn’t know what it was, and we didn’t care. Our only job was to destroy them. The Rubric Marines stopped walking. My squad didn’t. We didn’t bother with the bolters, and instead pulled out our swords and knives. Joining a unit of terminators and a dreadnought, we charged up the hill to meet the loyalists in combat. Either we would come out victorious and give glory to Chaos, or we would die a glorious death. It would be a good day.

I like it, and it's quite a good effort.

I especially liked these lines:
"From where we were we could hear the screams of the dying men as they were trapped in the burning carcass"

"Chainsword met armor, powersword cleaved through man."

I do however, have a couple of minor criticisms;
- First, they way your character is thinking about being traitors... it sounds like what a "good guy" would say. Unless I'm mistaken here, but aren't Chaos supposed to be a little warped in the mind, and a little bit crazy?.

I would have gone with,
"These so-called loyalists called us traitor? Traitor to whom? Their dying shadow of an emperor, a corpse in comparison to what he once was. They try to hunt us down and destroy us like we are animals, "for the Emperium", but they have no idea. Their minds are brainwashed by these zealous hypocrites, their purpose lost."

or something like that. Makes you sound a little bit more chaotic.

Finally, I don't think a sergeant would ask "are you ready to die?", I'm thinking more like, we would bark an order, and then follow it with a remark.. such as.

"[name of your character], lead the advance. We shall make them taste their own bitter defeat".

That's my opinion, feel free to not listen
But overall, pretty good for a first attempt.

I'm pretty much going to echo what smithy said. Its good, But the CSM is far too well spoken, it just doesnt seem to fit.

Gorechild wrote:I'm pretty much going to echo what smithy said. Its good, But the CSM is far too well spoken, it just doesnt seem to fit.

Yea, that's probably a side effect of me writing how I talk. I'll work on it and put out a new one in a couple days. Thank you for your input, both of you!