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Communications Fragment Recovered by Localized Auspex Sweep
73/0345/999.M41 - Listening Station Mundus


** Fragment Begins **

[Jhanna Defence Control] "This is your final warning, decrease thruster burn and change navigation coordinates to the designated approach. - YOU WILL BE FIRED UPON"

Several Minutes of indiscriminate vox chatter followed by a low rumbling, similar to localized explosions.


** Fragment Ends **


** Fragment Begins **

Inquisitorial Transcription based upon Auspex and Vox Recordings

Command Squad's rushed around the defence control station trying to contain the threat that breached the station. Reports squawked over the open comm lines "Traitors have breached the station! All squads hold positions." As the command squads relayed information back to their superiors, reports of various legions attacking the station began to flow in. World Eaters, Deathguard, each reported seeing various traitor marines, but one note always shone through. These marines were not wearing their legion's colors, but were wearing the Crimson and Black of Huron's fleet. The Red Corsairs were raiding the station. Many of the command squads were taken by surprise as initial reports focused tried and true Imperium tactics to combat regular Traitor Marines were proving ineffective against Khorne and Nurgle's Followers.

** Section Deleted By The Inquisition **

Bolter shells landed against the metallic walls of the station as muzzle flare pierced the smoke as the Traitor Marines closed in on the central command of the station. A bolt pierced the shoulder of a station guardsman. The sergeant felt the slightest twinge of panic before the bolter round exploded, separating the sergeant from his sword arm in a gore filled spray. The sergeant fell to the ground as life slipped slowly away from him. Still struggling to keep himself steady, he lowered his bolt pistol as a squad of marines approached him. Leading the group was a marine covered in icons to the Chaos Gods, gold trimmed his ceramite power armor, skulls hung from his neck. A large blood covered axe dragged along behind him. The massively armored figure stopped next to the dying sergeant and lifted him to his feet.

"Your sins are great, but I cannot judge your sins, only Lord Huron can make that decision. Do you wish to atone for your sins?" The question erupted from the vox-grille of the Chaos Lord, piercing the silence that had descended upon the command station.

The sergeant hung his head and began to heave as he slipped further and further into death's embrace. "His sins are too great." A second voice hissed from behind. The Chaos Lord's auspex picked up traces of tears falling down the young sergeant's face, as he saw the Daemon Prince's claws lift the frail human by his skull, and with a simple movement, the sergeant's skull crumpled under the strength of the Prince.

The chaos lord watched the Prince drop the body, "Come Unguis, we must inform Lord Huron there is nothing of worth here. We're moving on to the planet."


** Fragment Ends **

From the Inquisitorial Records of the Traitor Ship Peccata de Huron (The Sins of Huron)

I liked the flow-of-consciousness style writing. I'm bothered by how heavily it is lifted from the short story at the end of the CSM codex though. Your dialog is a little clunky too. "Your sins are great, but I cannot judge your sins, only Lord Huron can make that decision. Do you wish to atone for your sins?" works better as "Your sins are great, but I cannot judge them. Only Lord Huron can make that decision. Do you wish to atone?" Less is always more.

Another thought that popped into my head: you could really flesh this out by having some command staff reviewing this footage. It'd give perspective, and suggest a larger story you don't even have to write.

Yeah, I'm still getting my mind out of "thinking with the Imperium." I'm currently building a Red Corsair's army and I'm trying to get some fluff for them (since they're not directly under Huron's command).

So I'm going to flesh out more stories as I play more battles with them. Thanks for the critique. I make no claim to be a "creative writer"

Like I'm trying to figure out how to write up a story based upon a battle I just had with my friend's necron army.

Well, start with the game itself. What did the board look like, what objective and deployment did you roll, and what did each of you bring to the battle?

THe board was a plains board (some grass and rocks) with old city ruins placed around the board with the battlescape terrain in the center. The mission and deployment was kill points and pitched battle.

My Army
Daemon Prince (Unguis the Mad)
-Wings and Winds of Chaos

Chaos Lord
-Mark of Khorne
-Daemon Weapon

Troops:
10 Chaos Marines
-Melta
-Flamer
-Rhino

9 Khorne Beserkers
-Skull Champion w/Plasma Pistol and Power Weapon
-2 Plasma Pistols
-Rhino

10 Khorne Beserkers
-Skull Champion w/Plasma Pistol and Power Fist
-2 Plasma Pistols
-Rhino

Heavy Support
Land Raider (Bog Standard)

His Army
Lord w/Res Orb, Warscythe, Phylactery

Lord w/Res Orb, Warscythe, Phase Shifter

Troops:
15 Necron Warriors x 2
12 Necron Warriors

Elites:
5 Immortals
4 Flayed Ones

Fast Attack:
5 Scarab Swarms

Heavy Support:
Heavy Destroyer x 1
Monolith

Out in the middle of nowhere, with no objective except to kill each other. There must by an ulterior motive for at least one of the armies to be there. Chaos could be there because it is an important lay-line, required to complete a daemonic ritual. Except that you've got Red Corsairs, who aren't terribly into daemon worship.

I've got a better idea: Chaos knew the Necrons would be waking up in those plains. They saw energy fluctuations from orbit, and deployed to play whack-a-mole with the Necrons.

Who got first turn, and did someone steal the initiative?

Yeah, the lack of objectives is what I was having trouble with. Without a reason to be there, it just seemed pointless...

I went first, and he didn't manage to steal the initiative.

If he managed to go first, I would make it seem like a necron ambush on the way to their reason for making planetfall..