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so dakka, whaddya think to my WIP story from it's humble beginnings?

I think it has grounds to be something interesting.

Be worth following it I feel.

second that...

your on to something...just one minor thing... either grim dark or comicbook storytelling... there is much direct speach in the last paragraph of the sort you find in the later of mine thoughts...i think i would like to read both ways but keep it clear to one side in the story... although if you do the comicbook like way then i fear your SM will get a bit out of charcter...
praxis story alone could fill volumes how he escaped/ mauled his way through the warp and over heaps of demons...there is really so much spinoff potential in the charcters alone and then there are these epic battles you describe...although i have a slight glimpse effect of a starshiptrooper moment of the necron battle in space...^^ and the story against the orc stompa is also such a cool happening that this needs a more indepht look^^ or two^^

i have my fingers crossed for you to work on this big budget project^^ blockbuster series^^

cheers vik
your characters are full of... er character^^ and it will be nice to see some individual action of them...

Viktor von Domm wrote:there is much direct speach in the last paragraph...i think i would like to read both ways but keep it clear to one side in the story...
I'll try fix that.
praxis story alone could fill volumes how he escaped/ mauled his way through the warp and over heaps of demons...
I took a leaf out of shaso and dan abnett and use a lot of side stories that could develop into more if (throne forbid) I run out of ideas.
there is really so much spinoff potential in the charcters alone
that's what I tried to do.
and then there are these epic battles you describe...
might as well grip the reader with an exciting start...
although i have a slight glimpse effect of a starshiptrooper moment of the necron battle in space...^^
haven't seen starship trooper so I can't have copied it off there ^^
and the story against the orc stompa is also such a cool happening that this needs a more indepht look^^ or two^^
that will happen...in time...once I finish about the peril muninn are in...
your characters are full of... er character^^ and it will be nice to see some individual action of them...
again, it will happen in time...just giving time for the story to develop...^^

give you all my thumbs up!

going from where we left off...
There was no hope of getting the engines back up, and they were alread getting pulled into the orbit.

they fell, screaming through the air like an asteroid. Panels and debris stripped off and burnt up in the atmosphere.
"20,000 metres to go, sir!"
...
"10,000!"
...
"5,000!"
...
"2,500!"
...
"1,000!"
and then...
nothing.
Lenore worked his arm into a gap, and using the formidable strength granted by the bionics within, pushed a huge armour plate from his torso. He rose from the rubble, light glinting from his bionic eye. He heard a grunt, and turned around to see Praxis breaking through the wreckage. His skull helm cracked and broken, he cast it aside, revealing his hideous burns and scar tissue from his struggle with the norn queen decades ago. A huge blast of energy tore him from his thoughts, and he spun to his left, power fist activated, plasma pistol charged and ready, expecting daemons that the inquisition suspected were present, but then audax stepped out, eyes leaking bright blue fire. "Might as well get out of there in style, eh?"
The trio then spent the next hour or so looking for other surviviors, and found close to 70, all astartes. The servitors, serfs and the other humans had persihed. They could not survive like astartes could. They were oing to continue, but then a thought struck Praxis.
"The inquisition banned anyone from going here because of some unconfirmed threat, right? And anything on this side of the equator would have heard us."
Realising what Praxis was getting at, Lenore's eyes widened.
"We have to get out of here. Now!"

So far so good, and I am pretty much in agreement with the Vik on what things could use some more work, I would also like a little more background on Audax as he is a librarian and they go through a lot of extra training.

shasolenzabi wrote:So far so good, and I am pretty much in agreement with the Vik on what things could use some more work, I would also like a little more background on Audax as he is a librarian and they go through a lot of extra training.

that'll happen literally right after they kill these hostiles...

shrike wrote:
that'll happen literally right after they kill these hostiles...

Excellent!

"We have to get out of here. Now!"
they trekked along the deserted plains, constantly looking over thier shoulders for signs of life or daemons. It was past midnight when they found a sheer cliff face, going for miles wide, several hundred feet up. With no other option, the astartes ventured into a cave in the cliff. Tracks led to deeper tunnels, but the astartes moved on, trying to find a reasonable place to rest.
eventually reaching a suitable antechamber, and, as quick as it was sudden, nearly thirty raven guard were killed by blurs of motion. Audax was wounded in that brief and terrible struggle, but managed to slay one of the creatures. On further inspection- it was a tomb stalker. Even the legendary raven guard weren't expecting it. They were looking for rampaging daemons, not stealthy necrons. The newfound enemies were guarding no mere cave- they were guarding a sepulchre of a necron lord.
Among the twenty survivors was Audax. He single-handedly slew the other three of the ancient monstrosities, and the survivors made thier way towards the resting lord. They planted grenades around the cave to cover it up from any more necrons that might be lying in wait, and so it came to the lord. As they turned to face the tomb- it had gone. Suddenly there were screams from the other side of a barricade of rock, and six raven guard lay dead, the supposedl dormant lord standing over them. Boltgun and plasma rounds could not damage it- grenades exploded harmlessly off it's armour, and Praxis himself planted his crozius through it's chest- it tore it out, cast it away and the metal reformed around it's wound. Angry beyond belief, Audax charged at it, bellowing, and at the touch of his force weapon, the potent lord disintegrated. With this, his small thirteen-strong group left the forsaken place, to be awarded and promoted accordingly.

well i am at a bit of a struggle here agianst myself...your story i really like... and i am in need for guidance as to how far i may cross the constructive critisim border to not hurt feelings... there are some things i´d like to add but i dont want to hamper your output as this could be frustrating... dont get me wrong you create a truly entertaining and catching story... if you want all from my mind the nyou only have to rephrase your favorite skaespearline^^

Viktor von Domm wrote:well i am at a bit of a struggle here agianst myself...your story i really like... and i am in need for guidance as to how far i may cross the constructive critisim border to not hurt feelings... there are some things i´d like to add but i dont want to hamper your output as this could be frustrating... dont get me wrong you create a truly entertaining and catching story... if you want all from my mind the nyou only have to rephrase your favorite skaespearline^^

well, vik, I think it might be time to...
LET SLIP THE DOGS OF WAR!

lol...*lets loose freak on a leash*...

ok... here goes...in the book of my oldest son your story would be quite entertaining on a special note...he has a special thing for numbers... if you ask him anything he remebered of say snowwhite then he would say that the aple had TWO sides and there where obviosly SEVEN dwarves and there was ONE comb and such things... he remebers numbers far better than plot... well me, i am the kind a guy that gets a bit anoyed to see drama put dwon by numbers... the way you tell your stiry becomes a bit stale by describing the losses in a way that you can even put matchsticks on a table...or rather...:

[in a singsong voice]
200 astardes
went on a trip...
then came the necrons
and hit the big ship...
killed a few and what do we get?....

70 astardes
woke up unharmed
then came the necrons
and hit them midship...
killed even moaaar and what do we get?...

20 astardes
went wild on the necrons
the necrons awoke no more....



well if i am not mistaken this is the story in numbers so far?

what i am trying to tell you is that the story is good and the content is there but if you keep on letting numbers getting to jump the reader to their throats that way you hide the true intent of your story...the tale of heros againt epic odds...this can be far better achieved with adjectives than with numbers... to your defence i can say the codezies stories somewhat share this startegy too... as far as i know...which is a lack of creativity on those writers...

and then i even have a nother pick on you:

Might as well get out of there in style, eh?"

quite the scenic speach like a dirty harry or an arnold schwartzenegger in one of his movies... but for a battlemonk of the fortieth millenium i think a bit to loose...
a better thing to say would be by the emperor...or something like that...

um...since the hounds of hell are on the loose i think next time i see something to point out i poit it out right away...seems i have had now a very big rant here but keep in mind that i think you are capeable to do far better as i think your true potential is shining through your worke mate!

see you in your next installment!


vik....not so secret admirer^^

shrike wrote:"We have to get out of here. Now!"
they trekked along the deserted plains, constantly looking over thier shoulders for signs of life or daemons. It was past midnight when they found a sheer cliff face, going for miles wide, several hundred feet up. With no other option, the astartes ventured into a cave in the cliff. Tracks led to deeper tunnels, but the astartes moved on, trying to find a reasonable place to rest.
eventually reaching a suitable antechamber, and, as quick as it was sudden, and a full half of the raven guard were killed by blurs of motion. Audax was wounded in that brief and terrible struggle, but managed to slay one of the creatures. On further inspection- it was a tomb stalker. Even the legendary raven guard weren't expecting it. They were looking for rampaging daemons, not stealthy necrons. The newfound enemies were guarding no mere cave- they were guarding a sepulchre of a necron lord.
Among the few survivors was Audax. He single-handedly slew the remaining ancient monstrosities, and the survivors made thier way towards the resting lord. They planted grenades around the cave to cover it up from any more necrons that might be lying in wait, and so it came to the lord. As they turned to face the tomb- it had gone. Suddenly there were screams from the other side of a barricade of rock, and several raven guard lay dead, the supposedly dormant lord standing over them. Boltgun and plasma rounds could not damage it- grenades exploded harmlessly off it's armour, and Praxis himself planted his crozius through it's chest- it tore it out, cast it away and the metal reformed around it's wound. Angry beyond belief, Audax charged at it, bellowing, and at the touch of his force weapon, the potent lord disintegrated. With this, his small thirteen-strong group left the forsaken place, to be awarded and promoted accordingly.

Automatically Appended Next Post:

shrike wrote:going from where we left off...
There was no hope of getting the engines back up, and they were alread getting pulled into the orbit.

they fell, screaming through the air like an asteroid. Panels and debris stripped off and burnt up in the atmosphere.
"20,000 metres to go, sir!"
...
"10,000!"
...
"5,000!"
...
"2,500!"
...
"1,000!"
and then...
nothing.
Lenore worked his arm into a gap, and using the formidable strength granted by the bionics within, pushed a huge armour plate from his torso. He rose from the rubble, light glinting from his bionic eye. He heard a grunt, and turned around to see Praxis breaking through the wreckage. His skull helm cracked and broken, he cast it aside, revealing his hideous burns and scar tissue from his struggle with the norn queen decades ago. A huge blast of energy tore him from his thoughts, and he spun to his left, power fist activated, plasma pistol charged and ready, expecting daemons that the inquisition suspected were present, but then audax stepped out, eyes leaking bright blue fire. "gotta get out somehow." The trio then spent the next hour or so looking for other surviviors, and found close to 70, all astartes. The servitors, serfs and the other humans had persihed. They could not survive like astartes could. They were oing to continue, but then a thought struck Praxis.
"The inquisition banned anyone from going here because of some unconfirmed threat, right? And anything on this side of the equator would have heard us."
Realising what Praxis was getting at, Lenore's eyes widened.
"We have to get out of here. Now!"

the full half... i am not so sure about... but dont ask me on how to improve that...
the other highlited correction sound much better...

any other reactions on my above post?
angar, hate, spontaneous self combustion or sudden urges to worship my very steps?^^

I won't mind any critiscism, as long as it's constructive.

as i said feel privileged as i try to see you around... peeps who i think are dense as a pack of potatos i would love to watch while they try to shovel their grave with stupidity ever so deep...if i think someone has no potential i would sometimes even say so...but a kcik to you and i hope to give you some meaningful direction... would have served me well if i had someone actually do me that favor^^

^^
true...As I said this is my first fluff story, and being a relative 40k noobie (started late 4th ed.) and being 14 (15 tomorrow!) means I can survive some C&C.

Feel free to kick me, as long as you kick me in the right direction! ^^

I don't like to be negative especially about someone who is such a major contributor to my favorite site (I am such a lurker but I am trying to stay out the shadows..) but although I like the way the plot is heading it does feel like a series of bullet-points that need fleshing out.

well... seems you think while your still young your better equiped to C&C? i think this is a rare gift and not many in any age can cope with that... if you can actually and learn from that then your on the highway to greatness... cause oh so many get stuck in bartertown because of their inability to listen to good advice...seriously!

I have only just read your article and not the rest of this thread and I want to repeat I like where you are going and it would help if you re-wrote your beginnings. I wish I was half as good a writer when I was your age. Happy birthday Shrike.


Automatically Appended Next Post:
Victor speaks the truth. Listening is a much underrated skill

I'll get on fleshing it out. It seems mking a new thread for this was a good idea- now there are multiple contributors!


Automatically Appended Next Post:
I've named the stormbird "nex in obscurum"- death in the darkness.
What bit needs fleshing out?
How they got to the mining world?
the introduction of the characters?
the fighting with the necrons?

to be rudeley honest... all^^ as when you flesh out all there is more to read... ergo ... better for me^^

Fleshed it out a bit by a few sentences...there'll be more...

well have you more to add?

I'll think of something...maybe a little more fleshing before we move on...

meat was always my favorite dish^^ and lots of it^^

Look at the bolded text, that's the new stuff.

a short but inspireing speach...
tho i fear your audience still demands for more^^